Work Text:
Two nights
The sun threatens to set behind the big low buildings in the suburban neighborhood where Jihyo’s parents live. She can hear the low chatter from the other room, and she’s grateful that they aren’t forcing her to participate, even if it’s her night. Her head is just too full right now.
There’s a sense of finality as the last rays shine through the newly cleaned windows, letting the night take over shift, day carried to night by a twilight as magical as it had been four years ago.
…
Jihyo isn’t sure where she is. Jeongyeon said it was this club but she hasn’t ever been here before. She’s not really in the mood for clubbing tonight. The dress feels too tight - too constricting, and her stomach has been complaining all day. It’s only because it’s Nayeon’s birthday and she’ll surely kill Jihyo if she doesn’t show. Especially tonight.
Had it been any other night Jihyo would’ve stayed home.
But the thing is, this night is like any other. There’s nothing special about today. Nothing really happened lately that could’ve set off this bad mood. She must be getting her period soon or something. Then again, she never really got too moody from pms.
Jihyo shakes her head and sighed at herself. Then she tugs down the dress and shuddered. The night air is cold considering it’s not even october. Her stomach tugs again, and she looks around for Jeongyeon. She’s just going to have a few drinks tonight and then head home. That’s it. That’s-
“Hey stranger.”
Jeongyeon shows up as if out of the blue, immediately too close to Jihyo. Jihyo takes a quick step sideways and whacks Jeongyeon’s arm.
“What are you standing so close for!?”
“Wanted to scare you.” Jeongyeon shrugs.
Jihyo scowls. “You’re not scary.”
“Well, that’s your opinion. How’s Nayeon?” Jeongyeon buries her hands in her pockets. She’s looking awfully casual for a girl about to go clubbing, but then again, Jihyo hasn’t ever known her to be the type who dresses up. Really, the jeans are fancy compared to her favored grey slacks, and at least she has socks inside her pant legs today.
“Ji?” Jeongyeon’s voice calls through Jihyo’s train of thoughts and she finds the eyes of her best friend of seven years.
“Oh, uh I don’t have a clue, I only got here a minute ago, so I haven’t been inside yet. But I’m guessing since she got dumped yesterday, maybe not so good.” Jihyo rubs her arms. Why is it so cold tonight? It’s not fair. “Anyways, how was the date?”
“Fine.” Jeongyeon says. A scrunch of the nose and a soft smile is all Jihyo gets.
It hurts more than Jihyo expects. Best friends tell each other these things right?
…
Jihyo pushes herself away from the window and walks back into the living room. Her friends are all cooped up in the couch and Jihyo wants nothing more than to walk away from them. Not because she doesn’t love them. But because she doesn’t know how to love as much as she does. Or maybe she’s not loving enough? It’s so difficult. Jeongyeon is always so sure of everything and Jihyo never was. Maybe she never will be?
Jihyo sighs and leans on the door. She knows she should be happy tonight. She’s about to get married after all. Still, she can’t stop staring at the last rays of sun wishing she had more time. Not more time to be not-married to Jeongyeon, per se. She just wants more time to figure out how to do it well. There are so many things about being married that she still has no clue about, and so many things she hasn’t got a clue how to tell Jeongyeon. She needs time to figure it out.
She just needs time.
“Come on, stop sulking and get over here.” Nayeon calls from the couch, an arm around Mina and her feet in Sana’s lap.
Jihyo ignores her, shares a look with Sana and then walks out of the living room again, back into the kitchen. Her phone is already in her hand and she dials the last called number.
It rings a few times too much for Jihyo’s liking. She always gets so anxious when Jeongyeon doesn’t-
“What’s up.”
“Hi…” The sigh is involuntary and full of peace. With Jeongyeon she immediately falls into place. For a moment she forgets about herself. She forgets what she’s afraid of.
“You okay?” Jeongyeon’s voice is full of worry; like it was from the day they met. She always worried for Jihyo. She even worried when Jihyo walked up to her and asked to be friends all those years ago. She had asked if Jihyo was okay then too. And Jihyo had laughed and nodded. They had been friends from that day, just as Jihyo had wanted. “Ji?”
“Right, yeah I’m okay. I’m just… You know, taking a break from Nayeon.”
A chuckle. “How’s she doing?”
“She’s a nightmare.” Jihyo lies. Nayeon is wonderful, but she’s bad at admitting it. So she rolls her eyes at the phone and elaborates. “She’s all caught up in rose colored love because of Mina. You know how it is when you just start dating and it’s all new and exciting and you’re just realizing your feelings?”
“No…” Jeongyeon sounds careful.
Jihyo bites her lip. She loves Jeongyeon so much, but she’s so sorry too. Will probably always be sorry. If only she had realized, then they could’ve had months, years more. They could’ve been married already. Could have kids by now.
If only Jihyo had seen how much Jeongyeon loved her.
…
The club is loud and full of lights and people, and Jihyo feels like she’s caught in the black sea, drowning, drowning, downing one shot of soju after the other.
“No, Nayeon. No more.” Jihyo protests when Nayeon puts another round in front of them.
“Come on, last one.” Nayeon pushes the glass closer to Jihyo, holding up her own. “I promise. I just need to get drunk enough to forget that the bitch broke up with me the day before my fucking birthday.”
“But why do you have to take me down with you?!” Jihyo whines. She holds her liquor well but she also skipped dinner and the payback is showing in how hard it is to grab the little glass.
This is such a bad idea.
“Because I don’t want to be the only drunk ass in this club and Jeongyeon is a total bore.”
“Then wait until Sana gets here and get her drunk?!” Jihyo asks.
“No way.” Nayeon shakes her head dramatically, but almost loses balance and grabs the edge of the bar.
“Why not? She’s so fun when drunk.”
“Because the last time I got drunk with her after a break up, I ended up very much naked in her bed and we’re not going there again so I need one of us to stay somewhat sober.” Nayeon explains as if Jihyo ever wanted to know what had or had not (clearly had) gone on between her best friends. Just the image makes her shudder, and almost automatically she downs the soju just to forget.
Bad idea.
“And you’re expecting not to wake up naked in my bed?” Jihyo asks as Nayeon downs her soju too.
“No way, I would never go for you. It’s against the law.” Nayeon hiccups and holds a hand up for the bartender. Jihyo leans over to force Nayeon’s arm down but ends up toppling into her instead.
“What law?” Jihyo regains her posture, wondering stupidly why Jeongyeon hadn’t caught her. She must still be queueing for the bathroom.
“You know,” Nayeon starts counting on her fingers, “don’t go for someone’s sister, someone’s girlfriend or someone you know your friend likes.”
Nayeon sends Jihyo a look that clearly says ‘duh’, but when she turns her head to the bar, her expression changes to absolute glee and she claps her hands. The bartender has brought another green bottle, pouring them the first two shots and leaving the bottle.
Jihyo barely notices. Her brain is too busy doing math way too complicated for her at this hour.
“But I’m single? And I’m guessing you never had a thing with my sister.”
“Mhm.” Nayeon smirks. How has Jihyo managed to befriend absolutely the most annoying person on the planet?
“But- but then w-”
“Shouldn’t you two consider stopping soon?” A voice says behind them in the exact moment Jihyo contemplates whether another shot will make her see what Nayeon meant.
“Don’t tell us what to do, Yoo.” Jihyo points at her, demonstratively taking another shot, eyes locked.
Jeongyeon just chuckles and shakes her head.
…
“What’s on your mind, Ji?” Jeongyeon asks. Jihyo realizes she’s been caught in memory.
“I’m thinking about how much I hate Nayeon.” Jihyo rolls her eyes, loving the girl in the next room with everything she has. Loves both girls. They’re her best friends. How blessed she was to have not one, not two but three people like that.
“And what’s really on your mind?” Jeongyeon knows her too well, and it makes Jihyo even more nervous.
“How is your night?” Jihyo asks. She needs to stop thinking about- about all the things she doesn’t know how to say. All the worries in her heart. She needs to forget the responsibility she’s accepting tomorrow.
She’ll officially be the keeper of Jeongyeon’s heart.
It’s terrifying.
“Very chill, it’s good to have Dahyun here again, we’re just listening to music and talking. She’s got some good productions, you’d love them.” Jeongyeon’s voice reveals that she’s bending to Jihyo’s needs instead of digging deeper. She always just accepted Jihyo’s pace. “I was actually thinking one day we should go visit her in New York and see her studio? And just visit New York in general.”
Jihyo’s mind oscillates, back and forth like waves. But Jeongyeon is the moon, drawing the water back from the shore, protecting Jihyo’s mind. Always protecting her. Always waiting for her.
“I think I’d like that.” Jihyo breathes. Then goes quiet.
“Shouldn’t you be going back to the others?” Jeongyeon asks in the silence. It’s not a plea for Jihyo to hang up; Jihyo knows. It’s just a question.
“I should. But I-... I don’t know. Can I stay here a little longer?”
“As long as you want.” Jeongyeon’s voice is as steady as her presence in Jihyo’s life.
…
It’s an entire half hour before it clicks.
“Who?!” Jihyo interrupts Nayeon’s dance.
“Excuse me?” Nayeon looks like Jihyo was being very rude. And maybe she was. Honestly Jihyo doesn’t know anything at this point; her entire mind clouded by the realization.
“Come with me.” Jihyo demands, pulling Nayeon indiscreetly from the dance floor, towards the bathrooms. She’s so dizzy and this realization is too much.
“Jihyo, what the hell?” Nayeon asks when Jihyo finally stops.
“Who likes me?!” Jihyo asks. She needs to know. She really needs to know.
Nayeon gapes, an expression of deepest offence on her face. “I can’t tell you that, oh my god. I’m not going to snitch. If you’re too blind to see it then what’s the point anyways?”
Jihyo glares. She’s not blind. But whomever it is that likes her clearly isn’t being very obvious or Jihyo would’ve known by now. Nayeon just needs to give her a little hint. Jihyo is drunk after all and she’s not thinking very clear, and she can’t do these kinds of complicated calculations on this amount of ETOH. It’s just not fair. Nayeon is not being fair.
“Are you two queueing?” A woman behind them asks before Jihyo can find a proper sentence that might be able to convince Nayeon to let a name slip.
“Uh, no.” Jihyo says.
“Speak for yourself my bladder is bursting.” Nayeon huffs, turning to the girl. “Yeah, I’m queueing.”
“Oh, okay, well there’s an empty stall there.” the girl notes softly.
Nayeon stares from the girl to the stall, her lips pursed and her eyes narrowed as she only does when she’s seriously drunk.
“Right.” Nayeon then says. Nods at the girl and gives her a thumbs up before wobbling into the stall.
Jihyo waits for her. It’s the right thing to do, even if Nayeon is being mean, withholding information like that.
This time Jeongyeon doesn’t manage to sneak up on Jihyo, even though fairly she could have easily done so considering Jihyo’s state. But Jihyo sees her passing through the crowd.
“The alcohol finally caught up with you?” Jeongyeon asks. She’s annoyingly un-drunk.
“Waiting for Nayeon.” Jihyo huffs stubbornly. Why does Jeongyeon make her feel like this tonight. As if she’s determined not to give a single inch in Jeongyeon’s direction.
“How far gone is she?” Jeongyeon asks, reaching to fix Jihyo’s hair. It seems almost too instinctual.
Jihyo stares at her best friend.
…
“Do you remember that night?” Jihyo walks away from the kitchen window, settling on a chair by the little kitchen table.
“Which one?”
Jihyo knows what Jeongyeon meant.
“The first.”
“How could I forget…” A humored chuckle plays in Jeongyeon’s breath, and Jihyo’s heart skips a bit. Even after all these years, it’s still the best sound. Not that she has any clue how she’ll ever tell Jeongyeon. She’s never been good at talking about her feelings like that. Not the love. It’s cringey; but then again, it’s not like Jeongyeon is any better.
“I still hate the fact that it’s Nayeon’s fault that I even realized you liked me.” Jihyo tries. It’s the best she can do for now. She can’t tell Jeongyeon why she hates it. But Jeongyeon seems to get it somehow.
“I’ll have to actually thank her some day for being such a tattle-tale when drunk.” Jeongyeon chuckles. “Otherwise we might not be standing where we’re going to stand tomorrow.”
The words makes Jihyo sad, even if she knows it’s not Jeongyeon’s intention. It sparks an instinct that she can’t help. Something that passes beyond the limits of what she can usually get herself to say.
“Jeongyeon, you know I love you, right? You know I’m in love with you, right? Insanely in love. You know, right?”
“I know, Ji. It was my own cowardice I was referring to. It’s not like I ever asked you out either. But I know. Trust me.”
Jeongyeon’s voice is soft and reassuring, and it almost makes Jihyo run out of the door and drive back to their apartment just to hold Jeongyeon. Just to be with her tonight like she wants to. She’s the safest with her and this whole thing about not seeing the bride before the wedding is utter shit. Why can’t she just go?
“Can I ask you something about that night?”
“Sure?”
Jihyo hesitates. “Did you know that I knew?”
…
The room is spinning and Jihyo is regretting the last three-five shots gravely, because the realization is way too much for her to handle.
She’s so sure. It has to be- right? No but she went on a date today, why would she do that if she-. It’s almost enough to make Jihyo sit down right there on the cold floor of the club. She has to find out. Has to know. But Jeongyeon is walking away to get them water and Jihyo doesn’t know how to go about it. Nothing makes sense in her head, and she’s way beyond making sane rational decisions. It’s all just a blur of stomach aches and ninety five percent sure.
But there’s one thing she’s sure of. She can’t get Jeongyeon out of her head. She can’t stop thinking how it would be to be more than best friends.
Most of all, she can’t stop wondering when she realized this.
“You okay?” Nayeon asks, emerging from the bathroom with slightly drooping eyes and flushed cheeks. One of the straps of her dress has fallen down her shoulder and Jihyo fixes it instinctually. Just like Jeongyeon had done with Jihyo’s hair. But Jihyo isn’t in love with Nayeon. No okay so it’s not Jeongyeon, it’s just some dumb connection her mind made because- because what? Does she want Jeongyeon to be in love with her? Does she want Jeongyeon?
“Jihyo? What the hell is up with you tonight?” Nayeon asks.
“You got me fucking drunk that’s what.” Jihyo can’t be in her own mind. It’s so confusing. “Isn’t Sana coming soon?”
“What? Tired of me?” Nayeon dares her, crossing her arms.
“No but if you make me drink any more I’ll actually throw up.” Jihyo says.
“I already told you, I’m not drinking with Sana.” Nayeon says. “But she should be here any minute.”
Jihyo doesn’t say that she’s waiting for Sana to come take over. But when Jeongyeon reappears with water, she’s almost wishing they could just be alone so she could find out. Because the idea forming in her head is doing something to her that she’s not really sure she knows how to deal with.
“Water. Drink. Both of you.” Jeongyeon insists.
Jihyo takes a glass, and Nayeon does too. Jeongyeon shakes her head and swigs from her beer. There’s a moment, a single look of worry in Jeongyeon’s face that Jihyo won’t ever forget. But the next moment Sana is at their side, her long blonde hair wavy and beautiful, and her eyes sparkling as soon as Nayeon throws herself at her.
“How drunk is she?” Sana asks.
“Drunk enough to tell secrets, not drunk enough to tell you to drink too.” Jihyo says in a way that she hopes will make Sana realize what Jihyo means without saying ‘don’t drag her into bed please’.
The sheepish expression on Sana’s face makes Jihyo sure she’s hit just the right buttons, and Sana nods.
“I guess I’m the responsible one tonight then.” Sana hums.
“Good, then congratulations, you won yourself a Nayeon.” Jihyo raises her hands towards Sana in a sweeping motion.
“What, why?” Sana looks downright mortified, and Jihyo can’t blame her. It’s a three man job to handle Nayeon. But Jihyo can’t handle one more shot, and her mind is honestly anywhere but on the birthday girl.
“Uh, I owe Jeong a dance.” Jihyo really should think of better excuses, but she’s drunk and as will be later proven, not in a state where she should make decisions of any kind. But she drags Jeongyeon onto the dancefloor nonetheless, and the taller just follows with very little protest.
How exactly Jihyo’s arms find their way around Jeongyeon’s neck is unclear, but once they’re there, she feels more at home than she ever has, and Jeongyeon’s hands are on her waist, keeping her upright.
In hindsight Jihyo isn’t sure it would count as dancing as much as it was just rocking in place. But it counts. It counts just as much as the undeniable desire to get closer to her best friend. And it’s exactly here that Jihyo’s ‘shouldn’t-make-decisions’ state comes into play and does exactly that.
It makes a decision. (Bear in mind no-one ever claims that it’s a good one.)
It’s glimpses. Like flashing lights and the beat of a drum, she’s suddenly close. Close enough for Jeongyeon’s breath to puff onto Jihyo’s lips. It sends sparks through Jihyo, and there isn’t a single part of her that thinks maybe this isn’t the world’s best idea. In this state, right now, all she wants is to know how Jeongyeon kisses.
Jeongyeon doesn’t move. She seems completely paralyzed by Jihyo’s closeness, and Jihyo can’t help but smile. A little closer. The touch of skin, a lip brushing over another.
Jeongyeon pulls back so fast you’d think she’d gotten electrocuted.
…
“I didn’t know that you knew. I honestly didn’t, and I remember thinking this was the weirdest day of my life. But I also hadn’t ever seen you as drunk as you were that night and thought maybe it was just how you got at that stage.” Jeongyeon sounds like she’s outside now. There’s a rumble of cars that matches the usual rumble of their neighborhood.
Jihyo gives a little smile. “What, that I’m just really flirty?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I allowed myself to consider that you might like me for real. It’s not like I didn’t know what you were doing before you did it. And I was so close to letting you.”
Jihyo swallows. She feels sorry for Jeongyeon for that too. She’s somehow always sorry. Maybe she just needs to go back to the other girls and forget about this. To forget about how frightening it is to hold Jeongyeon’s heart like this. As much as she loves Jeongyeon she’s so terrified of not loving her enough.
“Jeongyeon?”
“Yeah?”
Jihyo gets up, walking out of the kitchen and into the living room. But she doesn’t join her three friends in the couch, even if they look like they’re about to make room for her. Instead she walks out of the door into the back yard.
The cool evening air is like an answered prayer.
“I’m really nervous about tomorrow.” Jihyo finally admits.
“Why?”
It’s not accusatory. It’s not afraid. It’s just a question, for Jihyo’s sake. To help her. It makes Jihyo’s stomach tug with love and guilt.
“I’m scared that people will think the same things I do.” Jihyo thinks back on the first night. It’s so full of Jihyo’s selfishness and mistakes. Of shots she should’ve never drunk and kisses she should’ve never tried to steal. “That I don’t deserve you.”
“Why would they think that?” Jeongyeon sounds disbelieving. “If anyone, it’s me who doesn’t deserve you.”
“Oh come on, you’re way too good for me and everyone knows it. I’m just- I’m just me.”
“Are you really going to make me come over there and kick your butt or are you going to retract that statement?” Jeongyeon says.
…
Jihyo doesn’t remember anything the next morning. Not that she won’t later, but lying in Jeongyeon’s bed, her head pounding and her skin dry, she has no clue how she got here, nor what she had done last night. But Jeongyeon’s sheets smell like home and she nuzzles her nose into the pillow, taking in the scent.
“Please tell me you’re not wiping your nose on my pillow.” Jeongyeon’s voice is dry and way too loud.
Jihyo groans and turns to stare at her best friend. She’s already clothed (albeit in her oldest grey slacks) and holds out a glass of water for Jihyo.
“I wasn’t.” Jihyo grumbles. She doesn’t think it’s relevant for Jeongyeon to know what she was really doing. But Jeongyeon doesn’t ask, so Jihyo just sits up a little more, taking the water that Jeongyeon is persistently holding out for her.
“So… Do you remember anything?” Jeongyeon asks. Settles on the edge of the bed.
“Anything of what? What did I do?” Jihyo sips from the water. It’s wonderfully cool in her warm mouth and she takes a bigger gulp.
“Nothing.” Jeongyeon reaches to fix Jihyo’s hair.
It sparks something in Jihyo’s memory, but it’s gone as soon as she tries to grasp it. Then she frowns. Looks down at herself. She’s wearing Jeongyeon’s oversized pyjama shirt.
“Wait, we didn’t-”
“You threw up on your dress and I didn’t want that in my bed.” Jeongyeon seems almost too prepared for that answer. It makes Jihyo frown. But then again, why had Jihyo even gone there in her mind? Why had she even considered that something might have happened between them? They were best friends, and Jihyo had borrowed Jeongyeon’s clothes so many times in the past years.
But then again, why was Jeongyeon so prepared?
Jihyo holds a hand over her burning forehead and groans. If only she could remember. She’s almost sure there’s something she ought to remember that she just can’t.
“... Jeongyeon what happened last night?”
Jeongyeon gets up from the bed, walking into the open kitchen to open the fridge. She pulls out eggs and toast.
“Nayeon got you wasted.”
Jeongyeon’s voice is too casual.
“I know but-” Jihyo’s throat closes before she can account for it, and she feels like she’s choking on her own words. Her heart hammers and she touches her lips. Then stares at Jeongyeon. But Jeongyeon has her back turned, busy mixing the eggs with something that smells like cinnamon.
Jihyo had kissed her. And Jeongyeon had pulled back.
Embarrassment mixed an odd sense of hurt makes Jihyo’s stomach turn so bad she’s sure she’s going to throw up again.
She only just makes it to the bathroom.
…
The memory of the first night is one Jihyo really would rather forget. She’s still so embarrassed even now. Everything about how she acted was exactly the wrong way of handling the realization that your best friend had feelings for you.
“I try my best, you know?” Jihyo takes a little step towards the spot of grass, suddenly seeing herself four years younger. “But if I’m this unsure about everything then maybe...”
Jeongyoen seems to sense her unsaid words immediately, and simply the fact that it doesn’t shake her, makes Jihyo wonder how she ever got this lucky. “But do you think like this every day?”
Jihyo looks back at her parents’ house. Sees her friends in the living room, Sana’s eyes softly looking at her. She’s not snooping. She’s just keeping an eye out. And Jihyo sends her a little smile before answering Jeongyeon.
“... No. I don’t. Most days I just think about not waking you when I make breakfast and that’s kind of it.”
“See? It’s just your nerves.”
“I don’t get how you can have so much faith in me.” Jihyo whispers, staring at the grass in front of her.
“It’s easy. I know you.” Jeongyeon said as naturally as if Jihyo had asked what two plus two was. “I know that you’ve never done something wrong on purpose. Not anything that could hurt other people at least. I know that you love me, and that you’re doing so at exactly the right pace. I know that you never meant anything malicious that night when you kissed me. And I know that you’re a hopeless romantic in your innermost heart, because you’re staring at the exact spot where I confessed to you.”
Jihyo spins so fast she almost topples over. But she wasn’t wrong about her intuition. She had heard exactly right.
Jeongyeon stands leaned against Jihyo’s parents’ house, phone against her ear and a dumb smile on her face.
“I told you I know you.”
“You’re such an ass.” Jihyo mumbles. Then takes the few long steps towards her soon-to-be-wife and wraps her arms around her neck. It’s home. “I love you so much.”
…
To say that Jihyo’s mind has been working overtime would be quite an understatement. She’s still not feeling well - curse Nayeon and her soju - but she’s been too busy wrecking her brain to figure out what the hell went on last night.
“Jihyo, are you okay?” Jihyo’s mom puts a hand on hers as they sit around the dinner table.
Jihyo flinches. “I need air.”
“Sure.” Jihyo’s mom doesn’t inquire more, but merely lets Jihyo walk out into the garden. She’s always loved it there the most. Sometimes that yard is the only place she can breathe.
Jihyo knows she shouldn’t have left this morning without talking about it. She knows that she shouldn’t even have done it yesterday - kissed Jeongyeon. But if Jeongyeon was the one who liked her then why had she reacted like that?
The only possible conclusions Jihyo has been able to reach was that either Nayeon had been pulling her leg, or Jeongyeon wasn’t the one who liked Jihyo. But then why had Jihyo been so sure? And why had it hurt so much when Jeongyeon had pulled back?
Maybe it’s just that Jihyo had wanted it to be Jeongyeon. Maybe the only reason she had put any meaning into anything. But if that is the case, does that mean she has feelings for Jeongyeon? She had definitely wanted to kiss her. But at that stage of inebriation she might have thought it exciting to kiss anyone.
But she hadn’t wanted to kiss Nayeon.
Why is this so fucking hard?!
“You look like you’re still hungover from this morning.”
Jihyo turns on the spot. Stares. Jeongyeon is standing at the edge of the yard with her arms crossed and a bag in one hand.
“What are you doing here?” Jihyo asks breathlessly. She could cry. Why was she like this?
“You forgot your dress.” Jeongyeon holds up the bag and then puts it down on the ground. “I had it cleaned and I knew you’d be staying here for the next few days so- I mean- and you kind of left in a hurry this morning.”
Jihyo swallows. Jeongyeon is too good. Is always there. Is everything Jihyo could ever want. But there’s no way- how had she even come up with that conclusion yesterday? It was stupid. So dumb. But Jihyo can’t help how much it hurts that Jeongyeon pulled back.
“I had some things to take care of.” Jihyo mumbles.
“Things like getting away from me?” Jeongyeon wonders.
“I-”
“You remember, don’t you?” Jeongyeon takes a step towards Jihyo, seemingly calm if it hadn’t been for the twitch of her lip giving her away. Jihyo can almost see the current running under her skin. But she doesn’t understand its cause.
Jihyo nods. She owes it to Jeongyeon to at least be honest.
“I figured.” Jeongyeon presses her lips together. Then she stares up at the top of the trees lining the edge of Jihyo’s parents’ yard.
“I’m sorry.” Jihyo whispers. “I shouldn’t have- I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you.”
Jeongyeon shrugs. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” Jihyo looks down at her feet.
“No I mean it, it’s okay.”
The words spark something in Jihyo. The hurt. It makes her look her best friend in the eyes. “Then why did you stop me? If it was okay then why did you stop me?”
It feels like the point of no return. Jihyo crossed the lines of friendship. One night. Two nights.
…
Jihyo draws back just enough to look up at Jeongyeon.
“Shouldn’t you be with Dahyun tonight? I mean-”
“I think I’m right where I’m supposed to be.” Jeongyeon shrugs.
How is Jeongyeon just always there? How is she always Jihyo’s? It’s undoubtedly the ninth wonder of the world.
The sigh under Jeongyeon’s breath when Jihyo kisses her, takes all her worries away. So Jihyo kisses Jeongyeon for all she’s worth, just to make sure Jeongyeon knows. To make sure Jeongyeon feels how much Jihyo loves her. And in the weightlessness of them, Jihyo finally finds the words she’s been searching for. Finds the time she’s been begging for all night. And with her arms around Jeongyeon’s neck and her lips brushing over Jeongyeon’s as she speaks, she lets go of all the worries she has, and lets herself love Jeongyeon louder than ever.
“The day I saw you, I knew I needed to be in your life. I don’t know why, I don’t know how I knew, but I knew that much. The way you stood there, I think everyone else thought you just looked cool, but I saw the shyness and warmth. I needed that from the first day. I needed your sheepish laugh, yes that one, and your protective arms. But I never knew I needed your calming lips and your blushing cheeks until that night in the dumb club where I drank way too much. And I almost fucked it up, with my dumb drunk brain and hungover hurt, but you never let me run too far. You never let me go. From the day I took your arm and asked to be friends, you never let me let go. Not unless I needed to do so for my own sake. You always made sure I knew that you wanted me in your life. And I don’t know what I did to deserve that, and I’ve stopped trying to figure out. But all night I’ve worried about whether I was good enough for you. Whether you knew all the things I never tell you that I love about you.”
“I do.” Jeongyeon kisses Jihyo’s lips chastely.
“I know. I know now. Because you know me. You know even if I don’t say it, that I love how you drum on the wheel of the car when your favorite songs come on. You know I love when you make a face at sour fruits, but you keep eating them. You know I love your dumb chuckle when you catch me singing in the shower, when we were supposed to be getting ready. You know I love you. Because that’s what I fell in love with first. Before anything else. I fell in love with the way you don’t need me to say it out loud. You know it from my face. From my actions. You take away the pressure. You make me feel weightless.”
“And yet you’re here, being so cheesy.” Jeongyeon hums, pressing a light kiss to the freckle on the tip of Jihyo’s nose.
“Because if I don’t do it now, I’ll just ramble at the wedding tomorrow, and I already know I’m going to panic and freak out about this whole thing tomorrow so I’m not sure I’ll have time.”
Jeongyeon chuckles at Jihyo’s words. It doesn’t seem to worry her the least bit that Jihyo probably isn’t done freaking out.
Jihyo leans impossibly close, whispering the last part.
“And besides... my heart is a secret I don’t want to share with everyone else. It’s yours and only yours. And I promise, it always will be. For as long as you’ll have me.” Jihyo finishes. It’s liberating and terrifying at the same time. To have poured her heart out like this. But Jeongyeon already knows. And the words are just for them, and no-one else.
These are Jihyo’s vows. To keep loving Jeongyeon exactly like this.
Jeongyeon doesn’t answer. She’s saving her vows for tomorrow. Jihyo knows.
…
Jeongyeon looks at a point behind Jihyo. “I don’t know. It’s nothing.”
Something makes Jihyo push further. She needs to know. Because if it’s simply that Jeongyeon doesn’t like her, then she needs to know. Because right now she’s definitely sober, but she still really wants to kiss Jeongyeon. Wants to hold her and be with her. It’s the scariest thing Jihyo has ever felt. But she needs to know.
“Is it that girl? Is it serious?”
Jeongyeon looks lost. “Who?”
“The girl you went out with.” Jihyo can barely get the words out.
“Bona? Oh, no. No, we only went out that one time and- and I honestly don’t think I’ll call her again.”
The answer should have reassured Jihyo. But it doesn’t. It just makes her more anxious. Because if it’s not something else and Jeongyeon doesn’t want to kiss her, then it must be because there’s something about Jihyo that’s wrong.
“Then why?”
It’s barely a whisper, but it makes Jeongyeon come closer. Jihyo doesn’t know if she would’ve preferred Jeongyeon to stay put. But she’s barely five feet away now.
“You really want to know?” Jeongyeon asks.
No. No she doesn’t. She wants to turn around and run away and not risk her best friend hurting her, but she started this; last night as well as tonight. And she has to finish it. It’s her part.
“I really do.”
Jeongyeon sighs. Closes her eyes and buries her hands deep in the pockets of her grey slacks. Then she rolls her head back and looks up at the sky. And finally, finally she looks down at Jihyo, her face contorted in a way that makes Jihyo almost let her off the hook. But Jeongyeon speaks before she can.
“I kept thinking if I was ever going to have you kiss me, I’d like for both of us to be able to remember it. And I wanted it to be something you did because you wanted to. Not because you were drunk.”
Jihyo stares. In none of the realities she had imagined was this the outcome she had calculated.
“... what if I did it because I wanted to?”
“Well then that would be different.” Jeongyeon shrugged as if her cheeks weren’t turning quite obviously pink. The sight sparks a desperation in Jihyo, because she’s this close to taking Jeongyeon’s face in her hands and just kissing her until none of them can breathe.
“Well then why didn’t you let me kiss you last night?!”
Jeongyeon’s mouth falls open. “You wanted to!?”
“Of course I wanted to, you egghead!” Jihyo groans. It’s getting increasingly frustrating, keeping herself in check like this. “Damn it, Yoo Jeongyeon, I wouldn’t have fucking kissed my best friends just for kicks, and while I recognize that it might not have been the best decision ever, I still wanted to.”
Jeongyeon presses her lips tight together. Her pink cheeks have long turned bright red.
“... But I thought you don’t have feelings for me?”
“No shit, me too, but here we are, aren’t we?!” Jihyo’s practically shouting now, but not because she’s mad. It’s just the past twenty four hours of maddening realization and this distance still between them that’s driving her insane. She just wants to skip this part.
“You’re very loud.” Jeongyeon mutters.
“Well, I’m confused and frustrated! Wouldn’t you be if you had just realized you wanted to kiss your best friend?!”
Jeongyeon shrugs and shifts her footing. “I realized that years ago.”
It feels like brain freeze. An actual connection cut that makes Jihyo’s entire body stop. She looks at Jeongyeon.
“What do you mean you…” Jihyo can’t get any more out.
“I… I’ve kind of been in love with you for years. Seven, actually. Crush first but- yeah.”
Jihyo stares. Then she explodes. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?! We could’ve had years, we could’ve- damn it . I thought you had just started liking me or something I never- seven years?! Why didn’t you ever ask me out?!”
“Because I knew you didn’t feel that way about me!” Jeongyeon answers in desperation. She crosses her arms tight around her, but Jihyo wants Jeongyeon to hug her tight instead.
“How could you know, you never asked!?” Jihyo is almost crying. Seven years? Has Jeongyeon been in love with her all this time?
“I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to ask you to consider me more than I was to you.”
It’s noble. Stupid, but noble, Jihyo does recognize that.
“But why did you go out with that girl?” Jihyo is just trying to make sense of it all.
“I don’t know.” Jeongyeon’s shoulders hunch as if Jihyo had lashed out at her. “I just- I wanted to know if I could like someone who wasn’t you.”
“And?”
Jihyo fears the answer. Really fears it. Because this is going to make or break them.
“Didn’t go very well or I wouldn’t be here, would I?”
Jihyo swallows. “Guess not.”
The silence that follows Jihyo’s words is so deafening and full of words. And it’s almost like they’re just waiting for the other to take the next step. But Jihyo knows well enough by now (seven years?!) that if she wants something done, she’s gotta do it.
“Jeongyeon?”
“Hm?” Jeongyeon looks at her, a small smile playing on her lips. It’s an expression Jihyo knows too well. It’s one of her favorites. The shy anticipation. The hope.
“Would you remember if I kissed you now?”
Jeongyeon frowns. It’s clearly not the question she had anticipated. “What?”
“You said you wanted us to remember if we ever had a first kiss.”
Jeongyeon gnaws on her lip, hugging herself impossibly tighter. “Well, we remember last night though. So-”
“That wasn’t a kiss.” Jihyo rolls her eyes. “I mean, it wasn’t a real one.”
“Oh.” Jeongyeon says.
Jihyo waits for her to continue, but she doesn’t. She’s just standing there.
“So?”
“What?”
Jihyo’s had it. She’s done. In swift motion she pulls Jeongyeon’s arms away from her body and reaches for her face, holding it between her hands as if she’s about to name Jeongyeon a fucking donkey.
“For Christ’s sake, Yoo Jeongyeon, I’m asking if I can kiss you, will you pay attention?!”
Jeongyeon grins. It’s so obviously involuntary and she seems to have no defenses left.
“I mean- if you can’t help it.”
Jihyo groans at her idiot best friend and steals the air from her lungs in what is most definitely a real kiss. The kind of real kiss where gravity lightens its grasp and promises mixed resolution and desire leads every motion until no doubt is left in Jihyo’s heart.
Jihyo knows.