Work Text:
October 13th 1981
***
Urgent.
Come to our house.
Need to talk.
***
No signature, unnecessary, I know James' handwriting. This is serious. I should do Order business today, take the drafts for some Anti-Voldemort leaflets to the printers and take them to some other friends to be distributed. The adventurous life of a resistance fighter. Drinking tea in backrooms, waiting. Delivering packages. Oh, sometimes it gets really exciting. Following around the pug-faced secretary witch of some minor Ministry employee to find out, if she's dating a Death Eater. That's what I did on my godson's birthday. Shopping spree at Diagon Alley, one hour at Madam Malkin's, forty-five minutes at Twilfitt and Tatting's and two delightful hours at Fortecue's ice cream parlour listening to chit-chat; report to Dumbledore immediately, another two hours waiting at the backroom of the Hogshead. It's worse for James, though. He hasn't been out of the house since Dumbledore has taken the cloak in early March. I decide to apparate, it takes too long on the road and flying my baby in broad daylight will get me into trouble.
A moment of concentration and I stand on the small path through the fields about 150 yards from their cottage. There's the familiar fuzzy feeling from the protection charms set upon it. I only see it, because I know it's there. The one useful thing my father ever did was to teach me all about the wards he put on our house. Dumbledore altered the spells to detect unsavoury or suspicious intentions instead of simply repelling Muggles and strangers. We call it Kneazle Charm. Poor Wormtail couldn't remember the simplest instructions how to approach the cottage safely at first. He set off the alarms a couple of times. We changed them slightly to let him pass. Even Dumbledore's magic isn't fool proof.
Lily opens the door. She gives me a hug, but even without the note I knew there's something wrong. James is the same, the greeting just a little too long, too forceful, only little Harry squeals with glee, when I lift him up. “Paddie! Want to ride. “
“Later, Harry.” James says and Lily takes the boy out of my arms and settles him on her lap. Harry puts out his little hands at me. He's not used to being denied his ride on Padfoot's back. I am so happy that he remembers me at all. He has last seen me in May. He usually slept on the very few occasions I managed to drop in for an hour.
James looks at me full of care. He seems unsure how to start.
“Spill it out, Prongs. What's up?”
“Dumbledore came to see us last night. About the spy in the Order again...”
I wait, but he doesn't go on. “Well, has he found out who it is at last? About time.”
James and Lily look at each other. Then Lily, brave Lily, speaks. “ He's confident he knows. He says the spy must be close to us, very close to us. Dumbledore's sources gave information that Voldemort knows about your father's wards and has almost figured out how to break them.” She takes a deep breath. “Dumbledore says it's you.”
An icy cold runs through my body; I feel like being hit in the stomach by a bludger. Of course he thinks it's me, he did right from the beginning, all those time-consuming, perfectly useless tasks to keep me busy and well away from my friends.
“I told him he's wrong. You'd never..., it's ridiculous. I told him I trust....”
“We trust you with our lives,” Lily interrupts him, taking my hand pressing it. “and we're going to prove it.” I look at them anxiously and a bit confused.
“Prove it? How?”
“You see, now that it looks like Voldemort is about to break the wards, Dumbledore suggested we cast the Fidelius Charm. He has offered to be our Secret Keeper. Do you understand how the Fidelius works?”
“Basically, the secret is enclosed deep in the soul of the Secret Keeper and only he can share it. There's no way to force the secret out of its keeper, magically or otherwise. You'd be hidden thoroughly from anyone who's not in on the secret. It's a strong and horribly complicated spell.”
Lily twinkles cheekily. “I think I can manage.” She gets back to business again. “We want you as our Secret Keeper. You're not working for Voldemort; we stay perfectly safe, alive and kicking. Even Dumbledore cannot ask for better proof.”
“Hey, don't you remember? I see Voldemort every Wednesday, when I have tea with my dear mum and the Biscuit Eater cousins.” They are not amused. “Sorry... “ I shake my head. “That's madness. Dumbledore's the best Secret Keeper you can get. I appreciate your trust,” I really do, more then I can say. “...but I don't need to prove my innocence. Even in the wizarding world it's 'innocent until proven guilty'.”
“Stop playing hard-to-get, Sirius. We want you. Full stop. We've talked that through, Lily and I. Dumbledore can lock me up in this house. He can borrow my cloak. But he's not going to convince me that my best friend's plotting to kill me.” James has raised his voice. Lily shrugs. When he's like that, there's no point trying to talk reason. We both know.
Harry who has been playing with Lily's gold necklace is startled by his father's voice. He starts to whine. Lily lifts him, sniffs. “This little man needs his nappies changed. I leave it to you, my dear.”
She hands the boy over to James who … Well, he does as he's been told and makes for the door, holding Harry with his arms outstretched. I don't need Padfoot's senses to notice the smell.
Lily waits for the sound of James' steps on the stairs to fade. She grabs my hands again, pleading. “Sirius, you've got to do it. James is going to crack, if you don't. He can't stand it anymore. He needs you, if only to talk to. Dumbledore is 100% sure you're the traitor. If we make him our Secret Keeper, he's not.... he won't tell you. You won't be able to see us for …. Let's face it we don't know how long. We may be forced to stay under the charm for another year. Without seeing you...”
“Oh, come on Lily, James' got you and little Harry. You two are all he needs. He loves you. He'll do anything to protect you and the boy. Anything!”
She looks down sadly. “No, it's not the same. James and you,... you were inseparable at school and afterwards.” A reminiscent smile flashes through her face. “Someone warned me to check under the bed or the cupboard in our wedding night, just in case.”
I raise my eyebrows in a mock frown. “You didn't, did you? I assure you I spent that night more pleasantly.”
“I know. The dark-haired girl from the bar was suddenly gone and so were you.”
“I only took her for a midnight ride under the summer sky. She was really interested in astronomy.”
I wink and Lily giggles.
“There are a few things James and I prefer to do without the other. You don't need me to keep your husband happy. He doesn't want to be anywhere else without you and Harry.”
“But that's not enough, not for James. If Dumbledore takes you away, he's going to crack. You are the last bit he's got left of the life he really loves. I fell in love with him for being like that, brave, reckless, determined to fight for what's right, always looking for adventure. Sirius, you know I'm right. You are the only one who can make him feel like he's still part of it.”
“When?” No need to say more. I do know she's right and I also know that I'd be going crazy, too, without seeing them.
“In three days time. Dumbledore is going to predefine the exact wording of the secret to give us the greatest liberty possible.”
James is back. “Changed, fed and watered. I've put Harry to bed. He was very tired. Now that I've done the chores, what do I find? My supposed best friend holding hands with my wife.”
His tone is joking, but Lily was right. There's more underneath. Lily throws a cushion at him. “Prat!”
He fires back at me. There are plenty of cushions and we're caught in a fervent battle in an instant. For precious few minutes everything is forgotten.
Real life takes over too quickly. There's still a bundle of leaflet drafts to be delivered. I'll tell them my motorcycle has refused to start.
“I'll be back on Friday for the charm. Tell Harry Padfoot will be giving him the longest ride he's ever had.”
***
I am back as promised three days later. Lily casts the charm. It's a funny feeling; the secret is like something substantial that has become part of me. It seems inseparable from my very soul and I know that nothing, absolutely nothing can make me divulge it against my free will.
The wording of the secret Dumbledore figured out is ingenious. Some of the old, inconvenient wards can be undone immediately. The house becomes visible again. It's them who are hidden from view. James steps out into the back garden. He's breathing like someone who's been suffocating just a moment ago. I can understand how he feels.
The weather is wonderful. The October sun casts its rays on the last roses which still bloom in the wilderness their garden has become over the last few months, while they couldn't leave the house.
We watch Lily as she walks along the overgrown path with Harry on her arms. She stops at the rose bushes. When she touches the flowers, petals fall down and Harry tries to catch them with his little hands. He shouts for joy at the sight of a large glittering beetle. I realize with a piercing pain that the boy has never seen such things for real before.
Lily has reached her herbs patch. She shows him the individual plants, lets him touch and smell. Harry's reaches out for some dark blue flowers, almost three feet high. Lily catches his hands, before he can touch. “No Harry, these are poisonous..... monkshood, wolfsbane.... also known by the name of aconite....”
We spend the afternoon outside. Harry zooms around the patio on the toy broom I've sent for his birthday. James throws sticks for Padfoot to catch and Harry gets all the rides on my back he can wish for. Finally he nearly falls asleep on his feet and Lily takes him upstairs to the nursery. James and I stay on the bench under the willow tree, talking.
“You will be careful, won't you? Don't let yourself be caught by the Death Eaters.”
“Sure, what do you think. I'll keep a low profile and avoid unnecessary fights.” I try to laugh his worries away.
“Don't underestimate them; the traitor is still out there. Don't trust anyone. I mean anyone! Dumbledore's evidence for the spy being close to us was very convincing. He's not just an Order member; he must be one of us… a Marauder.”
It is weird to hear said aloud what we have known since that night in March, weird to hear James say it. Only the five of us knew that and when we took James with us on a task. The Death Eaters were waiting for us that night. It was a trap. Remus, Peter or me. I know it's not me. Peter adores James. At school it annoyed me to no ends, when Peter cheered at every word James said and everything he did. He worships the ground James walks on. Not to mention that Peter's too clumsy to lace his shoes, unless James or me tell him the exact movements. That leaves us with... I still don't like to think it, but there's no other option; Remus, kind Remus who never did anything mean or cruel to anyone. How? When?
“Why?”
I must have said it aloud, because James jerks his head looking up to the dimly lit nursery window. Lily is singing little Harry into sleep.
Yeah, Remus had a little crush on Lily at school, her being kind and caring, helping him with his potion homework. Well, trying to, he's hopeless with brewing.
He never did anything about it and when it became obvious that James was more than interested, he quietly retreated. Could he still...? It doesn't make any sense. I don't want it to make sense. I hate that it does.
“There must be some other explanation.” I say clinging to hope against reason. “Maybe he's imperiused or Voldemort has some other Dark magic to control him? We could try to break the curse.” I simply don't want to give up on Remus.
“You tell me. You've seen more of him lately than we have.” James replies miserably. “He couldn't come here as he pleased under the old protections. You and Dumbledore were the only ones who could pass unexpected.”
Funnily he's right, I've seen a lot of Remus during the last months. He used to come round at my place nearly twice a week for a drink or two and a bit of talk. He seemed to be worried a lot about me getting bored with the necessary routine jobs and do some something recklessly stupid just for the fun of it. I half-heartedly suspected that Dumbledore had assigned him as my watchdog. He also asked a lot about how James and Lily were doing, which seemed only natural since they were his friends and only circumstances and Order duty kept him away. Now I wonder, if I told him anything important which he could have reported to his other master.
“He has been pretty normal, kind and caring and a bit tired. No signs of the usual symptoms of magic control, but who can tell with a powerful Dark Wizard like Voldemort? He has so many ways to force people in his service. He seemed genuinely depressed by so many of our friends dying. To be honest, I thought Dumbledore had sent him to check on me and he didn't like it.”
“Well, if you can avoid it, don't tell him the secret. He will understand, if he's innocent.”
“I won't, though I can hardly refuse a direct order from Dumbledore. There's not much possible damage in telling the spy anyway. He can't speak about it.”
***
I meet Dumbledore directly after I've left Godric's Hollow. He's not happy about James' and Lily's decision and doesn't take much effort to hide it. I tell him the secret and inform him that James and Lily are fine and enjoy the small improvements on their living conditions. He asks about Harry. When I let him know that Harry already shows great flying talent and resembles James not only in looks except for Lily's eyes, but also in spirit, he seems really delighted. He wants to know every detail and I gladly tell him; how interested Harry has been in everything he saw; how he wanted to mount his broom again, after he fell off, before Lily could dry his tears. He will become a true Gryffindor just like his father.
I take the tea Dumbledore offers and only wonder for a second, if it is spiked to reveal me as the traitor. Why shouldn't I? I know I am faithful to him and the Order.
I take my leave an hour later and Dumbledore forbids me to tell the secret to anyone without his permission. Instead he orders me to write it down and leave the decision to him. I do.
***
Dumbledore has left me pretty much alone in the upcoming days which I really welcomed. There are so many odds and sods to plan and settle, when you're going into hiding for an undetermined amount of time. I've ordered Gringott's to make the regular payments for my flat and the road tax for my motorcycle. I still want to have a home when this is over. I've also withdrawn a nice amount of cash. I expect to be on the move quite a lot and I've got no intention to live on rats or plunder Muggle refrigerators.
I return to Godric's Hollow on the 29 th to say goodbye for a while. James and Lily are not as happy anymore as I left them two weeks ago. Lily's eyes show signs of crying. James bursts out with it at once.
“Why did you tell Lupin? I've warned you. You signed your own death warrant. You goddamn bloody idiot!”
“What are you talking about? I didn't tell anyone except Dumbledore.” Then I remember the note I've left. “Dumbledore demanded that I put down the secret in writing. I've told you I couldn't possibly refuse a direct order. He said, if anything goes wrong, he wants to be able to sent as many support as possible without having to find me first. He must have shown it to everyone he thought trustworthy.”
“He bloody well did! This morning Mad-Eye and Elphias Doge knocked at our door accompanied by our former friend. They said they had orders to set surveillance charms on the place to alert Dumbledore in case of emergency. So they did. Lupin didn't stay long; he must have sensed that he isn't welcome anymore.”
“Calm down, it's not like that knowing the secret is of any use to him. He can't talk about it, no way. You don't think he'll sneak in at night on his own and murder you in your sleep? I should think you're perfectly able to handle him in such a case. Both of you.”
“ It's not that simple, Sirius.” Lily's eyes are glittering with tears again. She opens a spell book which has been lying on the table and pushes it over to me. One paragraph has been marked.
“Contrary to the common belief the secret which is subject of the Fidelius Charm will not be buried with the Secret Keeper, should he die. Every person who has been given knowledge about the secret will become Secret Keeper in his own right, after the death of the original Secret Keeper.”
It takes me only a second to understand the full implications. Signed my death warrant? I have signed theirs!
“Sirius, we're so sorry. We shouldn't have asked you.”
“Don't be absurd. I've been on Voldemort's list for ages, as well as every other member of the Order of the Phoenix.” Giving James a wink, I add. “Some more to the top than others. The real problem is that should the Death Eaters get hold of me now, Voldemort will appear at your doorstep within an hour. I don't intend to let them catch me, though.” I say in a poor attempt to play down the danger. It's one thing to be on Voldemort's endless list of enemies; we are used to it and I've expected no less. It's another to probably have every Death Eater available on your heels, because your death will win them the star prize.
Under these circumstances the fool-proof safety of the Fidelius Charm seems wildly exaggerated. Isn't there any way out of this trap? My eyes fall on the book again.
“To protect the secret eternally a dying Secret Keeper can decide to transfer it into the living soul of another wizard....”
A strange noise from behind the armchair startles me. Harry has been playing with a pile of toy blocks and threw one at Peter who cried out. I haven't noticed Peter's presence before. Not noticed Peter! That's it! Nobody notices Peter! I grab the book again and read the paragraph carefully.
“To protect the secret eternally a dying Secret Keeper can decide to transfer it into the living soul of another wizard. The transfer will be undetectable by any other person already in on the secret. The original Secret keeper can die in peace knowing that the secret will remain untouched by his death.”
“Lily have a look at this! This is the solution. So simple and just perfect!” I'm really excited. “Everybody knows I'm your Secret Keeper, including the traitor. Dumbledore saw to that. They'll be going after me; that can't be helped. What can be helped is the danger to you, should I fail. We only need to transfer the secret to someone they don't think of in their wildest dreams.” I look at Peter who has moved closer since I've read from the book.
James tries to object that he won't let me take all the risk alone and suggests to transfer the secret into him. I cut him off.
“Nice try and how will you let somebody else in on the secret, if needs be? You three have to stay closely together for the secret to be true and nobody who's not in can spot any of you. That's why you couldn't be your own Secret Keeper in the first place. Your responsibility is to your wife and child. I can look after myself. Wormtail is the perfect choice. Nobody will ever suspect him.”
“Sirius is right. I can do it. They probably don't even know I'm in the Order. If they do and come for me, I'll jump into the sewers and be gone. They'll have a hard time to find one small rat down there.”
Peter's eagerness comes as a surprise and we can't help but smile. It's a genuinely affectionate smile. I mentally apologize for all the times I thought him annoying and useless. There's more to the little rat than meets the eye. His willingness to be a true friend to James and Lily within his limited abilities is touching. Lily kisses him on the cheek which turns him scarlet.
***
When I come home that night, I find a letter from Remus.
“Sirius,
please come to see me, before you go into hiding. We need to talk.
Remus
I crumple the note in anger and throw it into a corner. Isn't that a little bit too obvious?