Archive of Our Own

*May 2015*
The moon is high like your friends were the night that we first met

Partying with Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris wasn’t exactly Louis’ scene, but Niall had come up to him after the awards show with Ed, and the next thing he knew, that’s exactly what he was doing.

He’d tried to get Liam to come along, just in case he lost Niall to the crowd, but Liam wasn’t in the mood for a party, and Louis couldn’t really blame him.

It’s not that Louis doesn’t love a party; he’s not a big fan of parties full of popstars and LA people. It’s not who he is, despite being a popstar himself, despite thinking more and more about how after the tour ends he might end up with a home here.

He leans on the balcony, takes another drag from the cigarette in his hand, and looks out at the Vegas desert. It stretches out further than he can see. Inside he can hear the party, some song he doesn’t know and people trying to talk over it through the sliding glass door. He should be inside enjoying it with them.

“Need a drink?” Taylor pops her head outside and holds up a red solo cup. “Niall says you like cheap beer. This is the cheapest I could find.” She holds the cup out to him, and he reluctantly takes it. “Not in the mood for a party?”

“Not really the kind of party I tend to be at.”

She nods and leans against the balcony, looking straight ahead at the party inside. Calvin Harris is near the door, chatting loudly with Niall, who seems to be having a rant about something. It’s probably football related, if Louis had to guess. “I thought maybe this was awkward,” she gestures between them, “because of how my last album was inspired by your bandmate,” she puts a sarcastic emphasis on “inspired”. “I thought I’d come out here and make peace.”

“What? That? No, I’m not that interested in Harry’s love life, or who you write songs about. Just have some things on me mind.”

“Good,” she says, a bit flat. “Just wanted to make sure, you know, a lot of assumptions and people thinking they know me.” She bites her lip. “Anyway.” She looks inside her cup and takes another drink. “I’d better go save Adam. It looks like Niall might be ready for a fight.”

He almost asks who Adam is. “Nah, Niall is harmless. He’s just passionate about sport. I can relate.”

She laughs with a little nod. “In any case, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t out here sulking because of something you thought I did to your friend. There’s a party going on inside if you decide to join us.” She raises her cup to him and pushes up from the balcony. “More drinks inside and everything. Dance your problems away?” She does a little shimmy, and he laughs in spite of himself. “There we go. That’s more like it. I love a party, me. Don’t like to see anyone not having fun.”

“Alright, alright.” He spots Calvin Harris in the corner of his eye, who’s finally managed to duck out of the conversation with Niall, and is now watching them curiously. “In we go then, if it’ll make your boyfriend stop giving us that look through the door. Bit scary, him.”

“Nah, he’s a big teddy bear.” She tugs him inside.

There’s more beers, there’s dancing, and at one point he thinks he might have agreed to start a celebrity football league with fucking Calvin Harris. All in all it’s a good night, and he walks off with Taylor Swift’s phone number programmed into his phone.

*August 2016*
You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.

It’s loud, there are a lot of beers, and Louis is pretty sure someone is dancing on the table. He’s happy to get a bit lost in the noise, the lights, the sounds of people having fun. Anything to take away from everything on his mind - all of the things going on across the ocean right now, while he’s here in LA, unable to do anything about any of it.

He’s meant to have Freddie in a couple of days, and he’s sure the hangover he’s going to have after tonight will be gone by then. He hopes. He plans on getting very very drunk.

He hears a familiar voice calling his name across the party. He’s surprised he hadn’t known she was going to be here, but he knows she’s been trying to stay out of the spotlight recently. Her new boyfriend is nowhere in sight.

Not that he keeps up with Taylor Swift’s romantic life or anything.

“Oy, lad!” She seems to be trying to put on a northern accent that sounds nothing like Louis’ own. It’s more of a mixture between Manchester and London and drunk American south than anything. “You’re always hiding in the corner when I see you!”

“Technically last time I was hiding on a balcony.” He raises his glass in a cheers and downs the whole thing before signalling the bartender that he wants another.

“Whatever.” She drops her “T” in what seems to be another attempt at mocking his accent. It’s not even a little bit cute. “What’s a London boy doing in LA when he’s on a break.”

“I’m not from London.”

“Question still applies.” She leans back on the bar and almost completely misses and loses her balance, but she catches herself before she can fall into him. “I didn’t realize you were living in LA. I haven’t heard from you. You should have called.” Louis doesn’t believe for a second the two of them would have hung out if he’d called.

“My kid’s here, so I’m back and forth.” If she’s shocked by the fact that he has a son, she doesn’t show it in the moment. “I’ve got him next week, and then I’m back in England after that, and I probably won’t be back for a while.”

He doesn’t elaborate, and she doesn’t ask. She probably assumes it’s career stuff.

“I gave you my number for a reason, London boy.”

“I’m not from London.”

She grins, and he can tell she’s drunk. It’s still not even a little bit cute.

“You never used it.”

“Everyone was drunk that night. I barely remembered getting it.” That’s a lie. He had almost called her several times, just asking how she handles certain things. It’s not like he thinks she can relate to everything, but he doesn’t know many people who can understand what it’s like to have the media in your business, who aren’t in his band, and who he actually trusts to keep a secret.

He isn’t even sure why he trusts her. They’ve had one conversation.

“Maybe you should use it this time.” She steals his phone out of his back pocket, and he should be annoyed, but she tries to be smooth and completely misses the mark and almost falls into him. “Put your code in.” She’s not cute and he definitely shouldn’t do it, but he does.

She takes his phone and somehow manages to text herself, despite how she fumbles a little and has to hold the phone close to her face. “There you go. No excuses.”

Someone calls her name from across the room, and it’s like a brief moment where she remembers she’s here with someone. “Right then.” The accent is back. “See you around, London boy.”

“I’m not from - “ She’s already walking away. “London.”

He sighs to himself and looks back at the text she sent herself. It says:

Text me back, London Boy xxx

Louis blinks down at the text, with three x’s, pockets his phone, and decides he’s better off going home and going to bed. He’s probably had enough.

***

He doesn’t expect Taylor to become a thing, but, well.

He’s sitting at home while Freddie has a nap, and no one is around because all of his friends are either back home in England or busy working because everyone is always busy in LA. He’s catching up on texts, and he’s called his mum to check in, but she gets so tired lately.

He scrolls into Taylor’s text, and hovers his thumb over the reply button. She was definitely drunk that night, and he could probably ignore it. He’s sure she didn’t mean anything by it anyway, but, well.

Hiya.

It’s short and to the point, but it’ll be easy enough for her to ignore it if she chooses to.

She doesn’t ignore it. Instead, his phone rings and before he can even get out hello, she says, “I thought you were ignoring me again, London boy.”

He rolls his eyes to himself but smiles too, because it’s becoming a thing, and it should drive him a bit mad; he’s not from London, would never want to be from London, but damn he’s not angry.

“Yeah, I’m still not from London.” He knows she must know that by now, especially from the way he can hear her tinny laughter on the other end of the line.

“You live there though.” She pauses. “Or, well, I guess I assumed you live there when you’re not in LA. Anyway.”

She rambles a lot, and he doesn’t know if she’s nervous talking to him or if that’s just the way she is. He can’t imagine he makes her nervous.

“I split between LA and London, yeah. I’d live back up north if I could get away with it. Doncaster is the best place in the world.”

“Doncaster, huh?” He usually hates the way Americans say Doncaster. He likes the way she says it. “Maybe you can show me some day.”

He laughs. “Oh yes, you’ll be the most famous person Doncaster has ever seen. It’ll be great.” Suddenly, he wants to see her. She laughs on the other end, and he remembers the last time they spoke, her falling over herself and stumbling over her words. He wonders what she looks like now, not at a party or in a club full of people that are there to impress. “Are you still in LA? You could come over.”

She was in LA a few days ago, but she’s a pop star on a level Louis could never even imagine being, so it wouldn’t be surprising.

“I’m home in New York, maybe you can stop by on your way back to London. We’ll go to some cool places.”

He’s never actually seen much of New York. Every time he’s ever gone somewhere it’s just been promo and video shoots and crowds of people following behind them until they just say fuck it and go back to the hotel.

“Maybe. We’ll figure something out.”

Probably not. He wants to spend as much time at home with his mum and sisters as he can right now. His family needs him, and he’s so far away.

It’s not bad, being here, not really. LA would never be his first choice, but he wouldn’t give up this time with Freddie for anything. He was scared shitless at first, but he thinks he’s alright at this dad thing. It’s a bit weird with Briana still, but at the end of the day they both just want what’s best for their son.

On the baby monitor Freddie starts crying, and he has to cut the call off short. He doesn’t give much of an explanation, and he hopes she doesn’t think he’s dodging her when he was the one who reached out.

Louis spends the rest of the day at the park with Freddie, and getting the most of his time out of here that he can, since he knows he’ll be back in London soon, and he’ll be missing being here.

On his way back his phone buzzes in his pocket. When he opens the text, it’s a picture of Taylor at her window, the view of a New York street in the background and her cats on windowsill.

Think about what I said. New York is waiting.

When he gets back home he lets Freddie fall asleep on his chest while he lies on the sofa watching sports highlights on the tv. He snaps a selfie, though he’s not big on them. He figures he owes Taylor one.

He sends the picture with the caption:

Thinking.

*September 2016*
In the middle of the night in my dreams, you should see the things we do.

I still think you should come to New York.

Louis isn’t sure when texting Taylor regularly had become a thing, but there isn’t really a day that goes by anymore where they don’t exchange some sort of something. Sometimes it’s just Taylor sending him pictures of her cats, even though he’s told her he’s not really fond of cats.

“You would like mine,” she had said in response. “I promise.”

He isn’t sold, but he hadn’t argued. He responds with pictures of Cliff and pictures of Freddie, and when he’s at home pictures of his sisters. He doesn’t know why he hasn’t told them about whatever’s happening between them. He hasn’t even told his mum. It’s just that everything seems so fragile and uncertain. He isn’t sure where this is going and he doesn’t want to spoil it before he finds out.

There’s also everything going on with his mum. It’s just a lot for his family to deal with.

He talks to Taylor about that too.

Maybe, yeah.

“Who on earth are you texting over there?” Lottie is glancing over at him, knowing look in her eyes. She’s probably his best friend, and he knows he can’t lie to her, but he doesn’t exactly want to tell the truth.

“Friend.”

“Hm.” She seems to drop it anyway. “When do you have to go back to LA?”

“Next week, but Briana’s being pretty understanding if I need to stay a bit longer. I might head off to Ibiza for a weekend, or maybe New York. Somewhere, just to get away a bit. Mum keeps telling me to take a break.” He pauses. “You should too, by the way. Go do something with your mates.”

“I do things. Someone needs to be here for Daisy and Phoebe.” She doesn’t say it in a way that seems meant to make him feel bad, but it does. He can’t be everywhere at once, and he knows that, but he wants to be.

He wants to be here, and he wants to be with Freddie, and somewhere in the back of his mind he wants to be in New York with Taylor. He’s trying not to think about that too much because it’s selfish and it’s confusing and he’s got enough on his plate right now.

You need a break.

“No seriously, I’ve never seen you rush to look at your texts like that. You’re shit at texting.” She slides closer to him on the sofa and tries to look over his shoulder. “Who is she?”

“What makes you think there’s a she?” She just gives him a look, and he knows he’s been caught out. “Honestly, Lots, just a mate. I’ve got mum, and I’ve got Freddie in LA, I’ve got no time to be thinking about some girl in New York who wants me to meet her cats.”

“So there is a girl, and she’s in New York with cats. Interesting. How did you meet her?”

“She’s not anyone.” He locks his phone and slips it into his pocket. It buzzes again, but he ignores it. He’s meant to go see his mum in a bit, and he doesn’t want Lottie to keep asking questions.

For one thing, he’s not even sure if Taylor likes him in that way. He’s not sure about anything right now.

Not that he likes Taylor in that way.

He’s too much of a mess to deal with any of these feelings. He’ll apologize for ignoring her later.

***

“Lottie says there’s a girl in New York.” Jay smiles. She’s always smiling, and he doesn’t understand. He supposes that’s just who she’s always been, but it’s so hard for him to smile and act like everything’s normal while the most important person in his life lays in a hospital bed, and they all know there’s nothing they can do for her.

“Lottie needs to mind her business.”

“Oh, Lou.” Jay sighs, and she still sounds and acts so much like she always did. If they weren’t in this tiny room, he would forget that she’s dying.

They says she has months.

“It’s nothing, mum. Really. She’s just a mate. She’s someone to talk to.” He thinks about the unanswered text on his phone, hidden in his pocket. He hasn’t even looked at it. That makes him feel guilty for reasons he isn’t ready to deal with.

“Tell me about her.” She smiles. It reminds him of the first time he told her about Eleanor and then Briana and all the girls in school that came before them. She’s always been so excited to hear about the girls in his life, always wanted to meet them and know he’s happy. “Can I meet her?”

“She lives in New York.”

“They have airplanes, Louis William Tomlinson. If there’s a new girl I want to meet her,” she says sternly. “Do not make me guilt you, because you know I will.”

“I just don’t know if there’s anything to tell. She’s a mate. We met at a party last year and we just sort of kept meeting and started talking. She’s understands some of what this is like, the fame thing. She’s nice to talk to.”

“So she’s famous. Okay, that’s something.”

“Mum.”

“Louis.”

He’s never been able to lie to his mum or keep anything from her. He’s never really wanted to, and especially not now.

“Fine, but don’t tell the girls because they’re going to be weird about it, and I don’t want to answer a ton of questions before I even know if there’s anything to tell.”

“Yes, promise. My lips are sealed!” She looks happier than she’s looked in months, and Louis feels better almost immediately. Her eyes are so bright, he can almost forget where they are.

“Taylor. Her name is Taylor.”

“Taylor who lives in New York.” She slow blinks. “Louis Tomlinson.”

“Yes, mum, who lives in London?”

“A famous girl named Taylor who you met at a party who is American?”

“Yes, mum?” He’s going to make her say it just to torment her, just because it makes him feel normal, like his life isn’t falling apart and his best friend, his favorite person in the world, isn’t fading away.

“Taylor Swift!? Your mystery girl is Taylor Swift.”

“This is why I didn’t want to say anything. She’s not my mystery girl. We’re mates. She’s someone to talk to who kind of gets the whole fame thing. She also needs someone to talk to, and I think it’s fairly likely I just happened to be around at the right time and it has nothing to do with me.” He closes his eyes and sighs, slips his hand in his pocket and wraps it around his phone. He feels shit for ignoring her. “I like her, mum. She’s so far out of my league it’s not even funny, and I’m just some dumb kid from Donny. But I like her.”

It feels normal, talking to his mum about a girl he kind of likes that probably doesn’t like him back in the same way, and he forgets for a minute. For one really brief, perfect moment, he forgets about everything that’s happening, and he’s fifteen years old sitting in his old bedroom talking to his mum about this girl in his class that he really likes.

“You’re not just some dumb kid from Donny. You’re properly famous and accomplished, and she obviously sees you as someone to confide in.”

“She invited me to New York for the weekend, but - “

“But nothing Louis Tomlinson, go to New York. I’m still going to be here when you get back.”

“But what if you’re not,” his voice breaks, despite himself, and he just barely manages to stop himself from crying.

“Louis,” she sighs, softly and reaches out to touch his face. “Please live your life, okay? If you like her, go to New York. I promise you, I will still be here, because I’m going to be here long enough to meet her and show her embarrassing pictures of you as a baby.”

“Muuuum.” He sighs. “Okay, fine. Fine, I’m going, but just for the weekend. I’m coming back right after. Don’t tell the girls I’m going to see Taylor Swift. I’ll never hear the end of it!”

Jay just laughs, and Louis knows he’s going to get a text message from Lottie about this two seconds after she gets back to the room later.

***

He isn’t sure if he’s meant to just show up or not, but he feels like if he doesn’t just buy a ticket and go, he’ll talk himself out of it, so the next morning he’s on a plane from Heathrow to JFK.

***

So, I’m in New York.

He’s in a suite in a 5 star hotel, staring up at the ceiling when he finally manages to text her. He almost completely loses his nerve, convinces himself she was just being nice by inviting him or she’s in the air halfway to LA or she’s met someone in the time between take off and landing. It feels crazy to fly to another country while his mum and sisters need him at home, just to see a girl.

It’s honestly unlike him, and he wants to kick himself in the ass. He doesn’t get stupid like this.

Okay, maybe he does. It’s been so long since he’s been seriously interested in someone, that it’s hard to remember. He’s definitely been this stupid about someone before.

Like, right now? Where are you?

Hotel. I got here a couple of hours ago.

It’s so long before there’s a reply that he honestly does almost pack up and go home. He could tell his mum it was all some big misunderstanding or that it was a joke and he was really just going to New York to see some mates from his days with the band. No one would ever know except for himself and one of the most famous people in the world. It’s fine.

When he gets the text, it’s simple, an address on Cornelia Street.

***

She invites him in with a warm hug and the offer of tea, which he’s grateful for. Tea is easy. Tea doesn’t require any overthinking, something that’s new to him anyway. He’s not an overthinker. He’s barely even a thinker most of the time.

“What made you change your mind, anyway?”

They’re sitting together at a little kitchen island, sipping tea, while her cats sniff around his feet, trying to decide whether or not to be suspicious of him. He doesn’t trust them. He wonders how to bribe a cat to like him, because he feels like that's important here.

“Mum thought I should get away for a couple of days, and you offered, so here I am.”

There’s a thickness to the air that feels all too familiar; it’s awkward but not uncomfortably so. It’s different, new in a way Louis can’t really put his finger on. He doesn’t hate it. It feels tangible, like something he can grab onto and use as a lifeline. He needs that right now.

“Well, I’m glad you came anyway. I missed your face, London boy.”

He rolls his eyes but doesn’t bother correcting her. He knows by now that she’s doing it on purpose, that it’s become a thing, and he’s started to like it.

He likes her.

“I haven’t been to New York in a long time. What do you even do here?” The last time he was in New York was definitely with the band, and he feels like they must have just done a show and left. Maybe they did some promo. Everything feels too far away now, like the whole time in the band is one big blur of accomplishments and tours and albums that he can’t discern from one another.

“Not much, really. I’ve gotten pretty boring. It’s hard, sometimes, to go out. I feel like I’ve been an open book for too long and people just think they own parts of me, you know? I stay close to home.”

“Yeah,” he’s quiet, thinks about all the stuff that’s come with the band, the loss of privacy, the abuse and the assumptions, all of it. “Yeah, I get that.”

“There are a couple of places, though.” She bites her lip. “Places I know people will leave me alone, where I know even if they ask me for pictures I can talk them into not posting them or telling people where I am. I could show you. We could, you know, make a night of it.”

“Alright. Love a night out, me.”

***

They start off at a little ice cream shop where Taylor knows everyone by name and introduces Louis as her friend from London. It’s clear a couple of the customers recognize them but she’s polite and takes photos, pulling him into a couple when people ask, and just asks them nicely not to say where they are. Surprisingly, it seems to work.

“Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way,” she says, smiling before turning to order her ice cream.

Before the night’s up they’re at a dive bar, a place where Louis would never have imagined Taylor Swift hanging out, but he knows her well enough to know that she’s a bit of an enigma sometimes, known and unknown at the same time. She’s gone from being an open book to someone that hides pieces of herself from everyone around her, especially people she doesn’t know very well.

Louis wants to learn all of those pieces and help her protect them from the people who want to tear her down.

The thought scares him a little because it’s more real than just a crush that he’s nervous talking to his mum about. It implies actual feelings, and they’re both going through too much for him to even think about that right now.

“Hey! London boy, I asked you a question.” She tosses a peanut at his face to get his attention. “How long are you here for?”

“Oh, probably, like, the weekend? I want to go back and see mum again and then I have a week in LA.”

“Busy life.”

“Yeah, lately, yeah. Thought I’d get a bit of break without the band, but I’m still constantly on the move. It doesn’t really feel like a break, not with everything going on.”

“Why don’t you see if Freddie’s mom can bring him to you for a bit? It only seems fair with everything going on.” The thought had crossed his mind, and Briana is an understanding person. They’d agreed on all the custody stuff before all of this happened with his mum, but he feels bad trying to back out on everything now.

“Maybe, yeah. Maybe.” He puts his beer down. “Do you hang out here a lot?”

If she notices that he’s changing the subject, she doesn’t call him out on it, and he’s grateful for it. “Yeah, sometimes. Not alone often. Just, I trust the people here. Usually I stay home these days. I think everyone needs a break from seeing my face plastered all over every magazine and gossip site, and I could use a break from them too.”

Taylor talks sometimes about how rough this last year has been on her, but he doesn’t really pry. There are things he only knows from what people say on twitter, and some of that he knows isn’t even true. He wants to listen to her side, but he doesn’t have any advice to offer. She seems to have it figured out, in any case, at least for now.

“Better than me. I just tell everyone to fuck off. I suppose I have a hard time biting me tongue.”

“I’ve tried defending myself and it always seems to backfire, so now I just don’t say anything. I don’t really do the whole - I don’t think I’ve looked at twitter for a couple of months. It just got a bit on top of me, you know? So I hang out close to home and I don’t post pictures when I invite my friends over, and it all seems to work a little bit better. Maybe that’ll change, but right now.”

“We all need a break. I’ve been really lucky with mum, if any part of this can be considered lucky. I’ve been so worried it would get out and reporters would show up and put cameras in her face or fans would show up or something. I’m glad I’ve managed to keep her away from all of that.”

“She seems really great. You talk about her a lot.”

“Yeah, cheesy as it sounds, she’s really my best friend. I don’t know what I’m going to do when -” It still feels weird to say when. It’s when, not if; the doctors have been very clear. He still doesn’t want to admit it.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have - I’m sorry.” She smiles, soft and slow. She pauses, like there’s something else she wants to say. He knows she’s close with her own mother too. There’s a beat and then she smiles and wraps her fingers around his wrist. “Hey, let's get out of here. We’ll go back to mine and order some food in and watch tv.”

“Sounds like a plan.” He throws down extra money for the bartender while she calls her driver to come get them. The car is at the curb when they get there and she slides in first, wrapping her fingers back around his wrist to tug him in behind her.

It’s a quick ride back to her place, and she goes into the kitchen and looks through food menus. “There’s a really good Chinese place that will deliver here, but I could eat pizza too.”

“I’ll pretty much always go for a pizza if you give that as an option.”

“Sounds perfect.” She actually settles on just calling her security guy to pick it up and bring it to them, rather than ordering delivery and then settles on the sofa, feet curled underneath her. “We’ll just put something on netflix, anything is fine with me. Don’t mind my recently watched list.”

It’s mostly crime dramas and a few romantic comedies, nothing Louis would consider too shameful. He settles on Grey’s Anatomy. Louis has never seen it, but it’s easy to get to, and he knows she loves it.

Meredith, as if on instinct, jumps into Taylor’s lap and curls up, while Olivia sits at Louis’ feet and just looks up at him. He’s still definitely not a cat person. He doesn’t trust them. He’s fairly certain they don’t trust him either.

“You look so scared.” Taylor laughs, bright and happy. He can see her profile. She’s classically pretty, all blonde hair, pointed nose, shiny red lips.

“I’m not scared. I just don’t trust cats! She looks like she’s trying to see into my soul.”

“That’s because she is.” Taylor smirks and strokes Meredith’s fur. “You like Louis, don’t you, Meredith?” She uses a baby voice to talk to her cat, and Louis finds it entirely too endearing.

They go quiet after that, Louis trying to follow the plot of the show once they have their pizza. He doesn’t know anyone’s name, but there seems to be an awful lot of romantic drama happening at the hospital, and someone might be dead. He isn’t quite sure.

After they’ve filled up on pizza and the cats have slunk away, Taylor stands up and stretches before taking their plates into the kitchen.

“It’s late,” she says, rinsing off the plates, as he steps into the kitchen behind her. “You should just stay here. I know you have a room, bu-”

“Okay, yeah. Yeah, I’ll stay here.”

“Yeah? Good, okay. Meredith and Olivia love a sleepover.” She looks up with a smile, and there’s a glint in her eye he isn’t sure he’s ever seen, but he thinks he likes it. He thinks he wants to see it again and again. He wonders if this is a moment, but it’s gone almost as quickly as it came on.

“Of course.” He rolls his eyes.

“Guest room? Let me show you the guest room.” And just like that, the moment passes before he’s really even sure that it was a moment at all.

*November 2016*
I recall late November, holding my breath, slowly I said, “you don’t need to save me but would you run away with me?”

It’s cold in London, and Louis feels like he’s forgetting what it’s like to live here after spending so much time in LA. Of course it’s cold; it’s London, and it’s November, and the doctors just told him that his mum isn’t going to make it to Christmas.

He doesn’t know who to call first. He needs to call Briana because wants his mum to see Freddie. He needs to call the lads; all of them wanted updates. He needs to call Steve and finalize the song. He needs his mum to hear this song.

He can’t think of anyone he wants to call more than Taylor.

He’s standing on the sidewalk, bundled up in a heavy coat, cigarette in one hand, phone to his ear with the other, before he even realized he’s dialed.

“Hey, Londo-”

“Hey.” He doesn’t realize he’s been crying until he hears his own voice. It’s rough and broken, raw.

He just wants his mum for one more birthday, one more Christmas, one more year. He’d make any deal with any devil to trade places with her right now.

“Lou? Are you okay?”

“No.” He’s almost whispering. He can’t find his voice. “I’m - Can you come to London?”

“Yes.” She answers without hesitation. “Is your mom - “

“She’s still - she doesn’t have long. Fuck. I need to call so many people. I need to call Briana. Just, get here?” He hates how desperate he sounds. He hates that he doesn’t even know what this means to her, and he hates how destroyed he’s going to be if it’s different for her than it is for him - if this thing between them is one sided. He hates that he’s even thinking about that right now. “I need to be okay for my sisters, and for Ernie.”

“You’re strong, Lou. You’re going to be okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thanks. Thank you.” He takes a long drag from his cigarette, and he’s not sure if she’s still there. “Thank you.”

“Just - go home, okay? Hug your sisters. Hug your mom. Call your son. I’ll see you soon.” She hangs up, and he goes to do what she says.

Briana says she’ll come as soon as she can too, and he’s grateful. He really wants Freddie to spend a little bit of time with Jay, even though he isn’t likely to remember it. More than anything, he just wants to see Taylor.

He texts the lads just to update them, and he texts Steve, and then he goes home to hug his sisters.

***

It’s the next morning before Taylor texts him that she’s just landed at Heathrow. He’s with his mum when he gets her text.

“Hey, mum. Do you mind if someone comes to sit with us?”

“Not at all.” She smiles. She’s still smiling. Louis hopes he’s as strong as she is some day. He’s definitely not as strong as she is right now.

“I asked Taylor to come, so.”

“Aw, my boy, falling for a popstar.”

“I am a popstar, mum.” She smiles brighter, and he thinks he does see a little bit of a tear in her eye, but he doesn’t call her out on it. “Anyway, I told you, I’m not falling for her. She’s just a mate, you know. She’s someone I can trust.”

“I’m just glad, is all. I want you to be happy.” She’s quiet. “You have to be happy, Lou. I made Lottie promise, and I’m going to make you promise too. You have to be happy.”

“I will be, mum.” He’s not now, and he doesn’t know when he will be, but he will be.

***

Taylor shows up a while later, and she sits on Jay’s other side. Jay asks about her flight, and Taylor talks to her like she’s meeting her maybe sort of not really boyfriend’s mother for the first time and not like she’s meeting someone who won’t be around long enough to meet her again. Louis holds Jay’s hand and by the time they get ready to leave, Taylor is holding her other hand.

She had come prepared, showing Jay some pictures of Louis’ visit to New York last month, and telling stories about her cats, and being lovely and wonderful. Louis wishes this were just him introducing a girl he likes to his mum for the first time, and not because he’d called her because he didn’t know what else to do.

“I haven’t told my sisters you’re coming,” he says, as they get to his front door. I don’t even know if the younger ones know that we’ve been talking.”

He’s sure Lottie must have told them, but they haven’t said anything if she has.

He opens the door and calls out, “I’m home. We have a guest so please don’t act like the heathens that you are.”

“You say that like you’re not the king of - “ Lottie comes around the corner. “Oh, hi.” She smiles and goes for a hug rather than a handshake. That’s just the kind of person Jay raised. Louis wants to cry. “I’m Lottie.”

“Taylor.” She smiles. “Louis has told me a lot about you and your family.”

“Interesting because he hasn’t told us anything about you.”

“It’s called privacy, Charlotte.”

“Is Louis - oh my god.” Phoebe looks at Louis, wide eyes. “That’s Taylor Swift. DAISY COME AND SEE WHO LOUIS HAS BROUGHT HOME.”

“Please don’t wake everyone on the street, Phoebe.” He smiles apologetically. “Sorry, Taylor.”

“It’s okay.” She turns to Phoebe. “Why don’t you show me around and introduce me to everyone? Your brother can take my bag.”

Louis tries not to be jealous that his sisters are getting Taylor’s affection because he knows what she’s doing. This is nice for them, a little distraction. A popstar they haven’t met yet has come to see them, and it’s something to focus on. He tries not to fall more in love with her.

***

Later, everyone is bed and Louis and Taylor are sitting in his room, backs pressed against his headboard while some film that’s showing on tv plays in the background.

“How are you doing, really?” He can feel the pity coming off her in waves, but it feels like it’s coming from a genuine place so he can’t be angry at her. He doesn’t want to be angry at her.

“I’m sad. I’m scared. I don’t really know what I’m going to do without her. It was just us for so long. It was us against everyone, and she’s my best friend. I don’t think I know how to do this without her.”

“Lou,” she sounds so sad for him. She reaches for his hand and grips it tight. “You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

“I bet you say that to all the boys.” He smiles sadly.

“Hey.” She shifts so she’s lying down, fully clothed still in the clothes she was wearing on the flight. “Come here.” He slides down with her and she wraps her arms around him in a tight hug. He hadn’t realized how much he just needed to be touching someone - to be touching her. “You’re gonna get through this. I know you are.”

“I know. I think I know.” He breathes her in and just lets her stay there, arms tight around him. Nothing is going to happen tonight, and he doesn’t want it to, but this is nice. This feels good right.

He’s probably fucked and he knows it.

***

The next morning Taylor goes with the girls to see Jay, and he goes to the airport to pick up Briana and Freddie. He isn’t really sure how it’s going to go with both Briana and Taylor here at the same time, but he’s prepared Briana at least. They don’t have any feelings for each other anymore at all, but she’s still his ex.

He takes them to the hotel to get settled; she’s brought her cousin and they’re going to go see Jay later and then the rest of the week do some sight seeing and let Louis and Freddie spend time with his side of the family and visit with Jay. Louis is selfish, but he’s really glad he gets to see his son. He misses him when he’s not around, and he hasn’t wanted to leave his mum just in case.

He and Briana go to see Jay after everyone else has gone, and then he takes her back to the hotel.

By the time he gets back to the house, Taylor and Lottie and Dan have helped all the younger ones get food and get ready for bed and they’re all sitting in the living room watching old reruns of Friends. Lottie runs over and scoops Freddie out of his arms, and he goes to flop next to Taylor on the sofa, leaning against her a little as she lays her arm over his shoulder. “Sorry I stuck you with my sisters all day.”

“It’s alright. I like your family.” She smiles. “Freddie is adorable.”

“I’ll introduce you later,” he mumbles, already comfortable and tired, the last few days finally catching up with him.

“Hey, your sisters have Freddie, and everyone’s eaten. Let’s get you to bed.” She nudges him a little. “Come on, up.”

“Not the boss of me.” He lets her drag him upstairs anyway. He’s suddenly too exhausted to fight it, and he’s too tired not to ignore the look Lottie gives him as he follows Taylor out of the room.

“I’ll be right back.” She smiles and ducks into his bathroom with her bag and comes back in comfortable looking pajamas after he’s had time to change into his own sleep clothes (a ratty old t-shirt and joggers cut into shorts, if he’s being honest). She looks different when she’s ready for bed, pink lips instead of bright red, soft blue eyes not accompanied by any eye make up, hair curly and unstyled. He likes her this way, not more than any other way, just. Just in a different way, like it’s something that everyone doesn’t get to see, like it’s his.

He knows that no part of her is his, may never be.

He’s already settled under the covers when she comes in. It’s cold in November in England, and it’s really nice to share a bed with someone again.

“Hey,” he says as she slides in next to him. “Thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for?”

“Just, you know. Thank you.” He isn’t really sure what for. For coming to see him when he needed her, for being so great with his family, for knowing he needed a break, for existing, all of the above.

“You’re welcome.”

“Taylor,” he says her name like it’s a secret, like it’s his secret. It is in a lot of ways. She’s here and no one knows. No one knows that she dropped everything for him like it was nothing, that he would do the same if he needed to, in a heartbeat.

“Yeah?”

“You dropped everything to be here.”

“I wasn’t doing anything, Lou. And even if I had been, I still would have done it. You needed me.” She reaches out under the covers for his hand. Her long fingers slide into his own and he closes his eyes. “I’d do it any time you needed me to.”

“I would do the same for you.”

“What does that say about us?” She squeezes his hand and he tugs it so she comes close to him.

“You didn’t even consider I’d put you in a guest room.”

“You needed me.” She rolls onto her back and looks up at the ceiling. “It’s been a long time since being around someone made me feel like this.” He slides closer, their bodies pressed together just enough that he can feel her body heat. “It’s been a long time since I’ve needed someone.”

He can barely hear her whispering, despite the fact that the house is quiet. “I keep trying to, like - like everyone says this is what I do. I fall for guys too fast and then it’s crazy, I’m crazy, and intense and impossible and I break their hearts, or I let them break mine, all just to write a song or an album about them - that I use people for money and for fame and for attention, and maybe that’s what I do, but I don’t want to do that with you. I don’t want to be crazy with you. I just want - “

“Taylor.”

“I fuck everything up, Louis. I fuck everyone up. I don’t think I could handle fucking up with you.”

“I thought you didn’t pay attention to that stuff anymore.”

“You’re my best friend.” She’s quiet. “I think you’ve become my best friend, and I’m not sure when or how, but you’re the only person I want to talk to when I had a bad day or when I had a good day or all the days in between, and I don’t think I could handle losing you. I’m - “

“You’re the first person I called. I want you to be the first person I call, Taylor. Please be that person.”

She looks at him, finally, and she’s crying but it doesn’t seem sad. Or maybe it does and he’s just being hopeful. “I want to be that person.”

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

She nods, just enough that he knows it’s okay and he leans down and it's just the slightest, softest press of lips, but then she’s reaching up to wrap her arm around his neck, squeezing his hand where it’s warm in hers under the covers. He presses their foreheads together. “Do you have any idea how lo-”

“Yes.” She laughs, and it’s fully and happy, her face is bright, and god he’s in love. She goes softer, quiet. “Can this just be between us? I don’t want to let everyone in. I mean your mom, your family, that’s okay but I don’t want to let the rest of the world in.”

“Hey, yeah, of course. I don’t want them in this as much as you, okay?” He lies back down next to her, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to him. “And I don’t want them to make you feel like you’re going to fuck this up. You’re - this is just between us for now, okay?”

“Good, yeah. Good.” She smiles, breathes a sigh of relief. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long, ages.”

“Ages.”

“And ages.” She closes her eyes and rests against him. He knows nothing else is going to happen tonight, and that’s fine with him. He’s still exhausted, but he’s got Taylor in his arms, and he knows they’re on the same page. It feels like maybe at least something is going to be alright.

***

They’re drinking tea at the kitchen island in the morning while Lottie and the twins make breakfast, and everyone is happy. It’s like everything is fine and Louis is just visiting home after a tour, and he’s got his sisters and his girlfriend, and everything is okay.

Everything is okay.

Everything is.

*December 2016*
Sacred new beginnings, that became my religion, listen.

Harry, Liam, and Niall all drop everything to meet him backstage at The X Factor before he goes on. They huddle in his dressing room and it’s almost like old times, except this time he’s doing it on his own. This time it’s just him.

This time Taylor is sitting at home watching on TV because neither one of them had wanted to risk accidently making this about her or about them. No one even really knows they’re friends.

He thinks about telling the lads right then, but he’s shaky and nervous about going on stage, and it doesn’t seem like a good time.

He wants to make his mum proud.

He hopes he can make her proud.

His sisters are in the audience, and the lads are backstage, and Taylor is at his house watching on TV, and he’s going to sing a song by himself that he wrote for his mum.

It’s a lot, but he can do it.

He knows he can do it.

It passes in a fast blur. It’s like he’s going on on stage and then he’s done and he’s collapsing against Liam when he gets backstage.

Harry and Niall leave after, but Liam comes with him to the afterparty. He texts Taylor just so she knows he’s gone out, but the girls have gone back home with Dan and she sends him a picture of them all in their pajamas watching some cheesy movie on netflix and tells him to stay out as long as he wants because they hate boys anyway.

“Hey, you’ve been texting all night mate.” Liam grins. “Who’s she?”

“What are you talking about, Payno?” He pockets his phone. “Get me another drink.”

It’s nice to just be out with a mate and having some drinks and not thinking about anything that’s been going on, but he’s honestly looking forward to falling into bed and sleeping for two days.

He hasn’t asked Taylor how long she’s going to stay. He’s sure she has a life to get back to.

“Hey.” Liam is looking at him and frowning and it makes him look away. He can feel the pity and he doesn’t like it. “Everything okay?” He pauses. “Wait, of course not, stupid question. Of course not.”

“There is a girl,” he says. He doesn’t want to talk about the other stuff. He’d promised his mum he wouldn’t dwell, and he wouldn’t let the girls be sad for too long, and he’s going to try to keep his promise. She just wanted them to be happy.

It’s still weird to think about her in the past tense.

“Tommo!” Liam grins, bright and happy. He’s always been such a puppy. “That’s great. Give me some details.”

“Well, it’s like. Really new? I mean, we’ve been talking for a while, hanging out and being mates you know, but the whole dating thing - it’s new. I think we’re both a little scared we’re going to fuck each other up.”

“Can we meet her? Harry and Niall as well, obviously? She wasn’t at the show tonight.”

“No, I don’t know. It’s - okay.” He tugs Liam outside of the little club into the night air. It’s cold in December and they’ve left their coats inside. “She’s famous.”

“Well, that’s hardly shocking, mate. We’re well famous ourselves.” Liam snorts, rolling his eyes. “I’m dating Cheryl, remember?”

“More famous than Cheryl.”

“Are you gonna make me guess, Lou? Because I’m not very smart, I’m drunk, and it’s fucking freezing out here.”

“Okay, let me just.” There are still people filtering in and out and he knows some of them are from the media, so he doesn’t really want any gossip rags overhearing so he just pulls up a picture they’d taken, just sitting on the sofa, a selfie she’d done with his phone. They’re not telling anyone so it’s just for them but they just look soft and relaxed and happy. She’s not wearing any make up and her hair is up in a messy little pony tail, and Louis is so so in love with her.

“Mate!” Liam is drunk and loud and Louis immediately closes his phone and pockets it. “Mate.”

“Shhh, I know, okay. I really need to tell Haz.” He sighs a little. “She’s supposed to be at the funeral, and I need to tell Haz. I should have told him tonight.”

“I mean, it’s not really his business, to be fair. But, like, how? When?”

“We just kind of kept running into each other and then we kept texting each other. She’s been - I’ve spent a lot of time talking to her during all of this, and she’s needed someone to talk to while she deals with stuff too. It’s just been nice having someone who sort of gets what this whole world is like, and if anyone gets it, it’s her.”

“I’m happy for you, mate. And don’t worry about Haz. He’s not weird about that stuff, and he’ll agree that it’s not his business.” Liam grins. “Let's go home, mate. Think we’ve had enough fun tonight.”

It just feels really good to have a normal conversation with his best mate about the new girl he’s seeing, like everything is completely normal.

They both call their drivers and by the time he gets home all the girls are in bed and Taylor is sitting up with Lottie and her boyfriend.

“You don’t look nearly as drunk as I thought you would.” Lottie grins.

“Nah, Liam and I actually called it an early night.” He drops down next to Taylor and lays an arm around her shoulders. “I told him about you. I uhm. I hope that’s okay. It was just nice to talk about this instead of - “

“I told you, Lou, friends are okay.” She pats his cheek. “You’re more drunk than you look, aren’t you?”

“Not at all.” He grins. “Completely sober. Only had one beer.”

“That’s a lie,” Lottie says. “We’re going to bed. Don’t stay up too late.” She gives Louis a Look and tugs her boyfriend’s hand up to lead him up the stairs.

Once they’re gone he turns to Taylor and smiles. “Hi.”

“Hey there, London boy.” She leans into him and presses their foreheads together. “Sorry I wasn’t there for you tonight. I watched though. You were so good. You did so good.”

“I understand,” he says, pressing his lips to hers. “Don’t really want to talk about any of it anymore.” He stands up and tugs her with him, pulling her close, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her again.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Just, talking to Liam, thinking about you a lot. That’s all. Just thinking about you, wishing you were with me tonight. Not in a sad way, just.”

“I know.” She slides her fingers through his hair and kisses him. Her lips are always so soft, and he could chase the taste of her tongue forever. He never wants to stop doing this.

He supposes it always feels like that at the start, but he doesn’t care about that. He just cares that he gets to keep feeling this way. “Lets go to bed, love.” He slides his fingers into hers.

They’ve been taking it slow, everything feeling like it was too heavy and harsh to go too far too fast. Louis dealing with everything with his mum, both of them feeling too protective of this thing that’s happening between them.

It feels like a good night to let go of all of that, to just admit what this is and get lost in each other. Louis has never wanted to get lost in someone so badly as he wants to get lost in Taylor right now.

They stumble up the stairs together and he pulls her close as soon as his bedroom door closes, her hands slide into his hair and they undress each other frantically, like they can’t work fast enough, all while they don’t stop touching in some way while they do it.

It’s so easy to get lost in her. It’s like a switch flips once they’re undressed and they move from frantic to slow movements, just taking their time, exploring each other and making it last. He never wants to stop touching her.

He never wants her to stop touching him.

When they’re finished they curl around each other, still touching anywhere that they can. Her hands in his hair, his hands on her hips, their legs tangled together, and they fall asleep, a tangled mess of two people who just can’t get enough of each other, who’ve been putting this off for far longer than either one of them wanted to or needed to.

*February 2017*
We were stupid to jump in the ocean separating us remember how i’d fly to you?

Taylor goes back to spend Christmas with her family, but Louis feels like it’s too soon to leave the girls, and things have gotten tense with Dan. They’re pretty much always in contact but it feels a little raw to not see her all the time. There are time zones and schedules and Louis schedules some promo for the song with Steve, and before he knows it, it’s been two months since they’ve been in the same room.

Since they’ve been in the same country, practically.

He misses the touch of her skin and the feel of her arms around him.

“I’ll come for Valentine’s Day. I know that’s cheesy or whatever, but I want to see you,” she says on the other end of the line. She’s in New York, and he can just see her curled up on the sofa with her cats, comfortable sweater, hair a mess, tea next to her on the table.

“Yes, come. I know we can’t go out, but we can, you know. We can do something. I’ll arrange for someone to pick you up at the airport and bring you to the house.”

She laughs on the other end. “Lou, come on. You know I can handle that.”

“I know, but you’re going through the trouble of coming all the way here, and it’s only for a few days. I’m headed to LA on the 17th.”

“A few days is better than nothing, babe. Facetime is great, but it’s - “

“It’s not the same. I know. I miss you too. I’ll see you in a few days, love.”

“Yeah.” He can hear the soft smile in her voice. “Yeah, I’ll see you in a few days.”

*July 2017*
Honey without all the exes, fights, and flaws, we wouldn’t be standing here so tall.

Louis hasn’t let Taylor hear the song. He’s not sure why, really. Something about it feels really off to him, and he loves it, is proud of it, and Bebe’s been great to work with, but there’s just something.

They have a house together in London now, the two of them. Neither one of them lives in it full time, her splitting her time with New York, him with LA. They’ve barely spent a couple of days in it together, but they both consider it theirs. She’s in New York this week, finalizing some stuff for her new album.

He’s heard bits and pieces, and he’s so proud of her he could practically explode. She’s brutally honest. He knows people are going to have questions, going to wonder who she’s singing about. They haven’t talked about it.

She says she’s not doing any interviews anyway.

“I’m going to let the album do the talking. I don’t owe anyone anything,” she had told him, playing what will be the first single. “They don’t deserve any explanations.”

He wishes he had her strength of will because he just constantly wants to fight everyone.

Right now they’re curled up together on the sofa, Bake Off on the tv, her resting her head on his shoulder. It’s comfortable.

“I start promo on Friday, on Radio 1,” he says, squeezing his arm around her.

“I’m so proud of you, babe,” she smiles softly, and he knows she means it. “I know you weren’t sure about this at first, the solo thing, but everyone is behind you. I’ve been stalking twitter. Your fans are so excited.”

“Stop stalking my fans on twitter, you weirdo.” He pokes her in the side and she laughs. “Anyway, I’m just wondering what I should say, you know, if the girlfriend thing comes up. It might come up.”

“Nick isn’t going to ask if you have a girlfriend. He can keep a secret and he wouldn’t do that.” Nick knows about them, which was something Louis had felt a little weird about initially. Nick and Harry have been together a while, and he definitely knows Nick can keep a secret, obviously, but he’s still the media.

“I know, but like, other media people might. I’m doing other interviewers. At least this song isn’t really about anyone. It’s just a song.” It’s a bit weird for him to write a song that he doesn’t really feel a connection with, but it’s a good single, it’ll be great on the radio, and Bebe is great.

“Lou, we agreed.” He can feel Taylor tensing up beside him. “You agreed that we wouldn’t tell anyone.” She sits up completely, pushed away from him and stands. “Not now, no. Like, you know how important it is to me to get this album out and not have to deal with that. I don’t want them to be in my life again. They don’t get to be a part of this.”

“Hey, hey.” He stands up and puts his hands on her arms, gentle, calm. “Love, I know. I know, I’m not saying I want to go on national radio and profess my love for you, okay? Just, maybe I could say there’s someone.”

She sighs softly and puts her head in her hands. “I’m not being crazy. I’m not crazy.”

“Hey, I know. I know all of that is bullshit, okay? I know you. I love you.” He wraps around her. “I love you.”

“I know. I just - no, okay? Not yet. Not now. I know I’m being dramatic, but once they know there’s someone they’ll want to know who. People will talk. Someone will talk. Someone always talks. And once they know, it’s theirs. Once they know it isn’t ours anymore.”

“This is always ours.” Louis pulls her close and rubs her back, letting her collapse around him. “Someday when they’re writing tabloid stories about us, this will still be ours. They don’t get this. They’ll never get this.”

She’s so hard sometimes, Taylor. She’s strong and she’s got a tough exterior after years of being judged and torn down. He understands more than she probably realizes, but he’ll never stop feeling honored that she lets her walls down for him. She lets him see her insecurities and she doesn’t expect him to fix them, so he doesn’t try to change her or fix her. He just tells her the truth.

“I just want you to myself for a little bit longer. Just let me release the album, please.”

“Hey, of course. My lips are sealed. Promise.”

It feels like a bigger conversation they’re not having, a bigger fight that he knows he’s avoiding, but he can hold off a little longer. It’s not that he’s desperate to let the world into what they have. It’s just lying is hard for him. It’s never come natural, and he’s brutally honest in a lot of ways.

He’s always been an open book with his heart on his sleeve. It’s something he’s proud of. He knows Taylor used to be like that, has heard stories and seen interviews from before all of this happened to her. Before she built up her walls and closed herself off.

He sees that Taylor, and he knows that it belongs to him and her family and her best friends, and she’s more protective of it now. He doesn’t want to fight her on that. He can give her that after all that she’s given him.

*December 2017*
People started talking, putting us through our paces; I knew there was no one in the world who could take it.

Louis spends Thanksgiving with Taylor’s family in Nashville, and it’s probably one of the best days he’s had in a long time. Taylor not doing any promo for her album has meant mostly she’s just been working even harder to make tour good for her fans. They still haven’t seen much of each other.

Louis has been spending a lot of time in LA, with Freddie and working on songs. He’s having a hard time really finding his stride, and if he’s going to do this he wants more than anything for it to be perfect.

He can’t wait for the day when they just get to be together. It’s going to be a while between her tour and his album, but he can wait.

It’s the day before Christmas Eve, and they’d elected to spend his birthday and Christmas alone. He’d done a big do with Freddie in LA a couple of weeks ago, and he’d had Christmas with his sisters a couple of days ago.

They haven’t had two days in a row together since Taylor’s album came out, and they just need this.

The fire is going in front of them and Love Actually is on TV and they’re mostly sitting in front of it without paying much attention, alternating between chatting mindlessly and kissing.

His phone rings, which is annoying, as he’d told everyone to leave him alone. Hers starts going off at almost exactly the same time.

Harry’s face comes up on the screen and he frowns. Harry literally never calls him, so it must be important. She picks up her phone at the same time. He doesn’t catch who it is.

“Haz?”

“Don’t panic, but uhm. There’s a story in The Sun.”

“There’s always a story in the Sun, Haz. Be more specific.”

Taylor looks like she might cry, listening to the person on the other end of her call.

“It’s about you and Taylor. They don’t really like. Know anything, but.”

But. But.

It echoes in his mind what she’s always said. Once they know, they start to think it’s theirs.

“I have to go, Haz.” He hangs up the phone and she excuses herself at the same moment. He doesn’t know what to say. The only thing he can do is look up the article.

They don’t really have anything, a picture of Taylor getting off the plane in London a few days ago, and one of him at their local Starbucks yesterday grabbing a couple of coffees for them on his way back from running some errands. Someone thinks they saw him in the background of her brother’s instagram story from Thanksgiving. There’s nothing anyone can use as proof, but. There’s always a fucking source, and he wants to know who they are so badly so he can start a fight.

This was always supposed to be theirs to tell.

He doesn’t want to read anymore, so he just closes his phone and waits for her to come out. When she does, she’s washed her face and pulled her hair up and slipped into one of his sweatshirts.

“Come here.”

She immediately falls into him.

“It’s probably not as bad as I’m making it.” She’s so quiet. “I just don’t want them to say, you know, you’re just my next victim, and I don’t want to hear the jokes about how I’m just working on my next album.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Because you know what? It doesn’t matter what they think. I know. I know that’s not who you are. Besides, I know which songs on Reputation are about us, and they don’t. I know how we got here, and I know where we’re going.” He squeezes her hand. “I know you, and this is still ours.”

He turns off the tv and goes back to his phone. He pulls open his music and smiles, playing one of her songs. “Stand up, come on.”

“Lou, come on.” She rolls her eyes.

“Nope, stand up.” He tugs on her until she’s pulled close to him and he just starts swaying to the music. “This is ours.”

*January 2017*
Don’t read the last page, but I stay, when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes

“Don’t laugh, okay?” She bites her lip. It’s weird after the last couple of months to be looking at her through a computer screen, rather than talking to her in person. He figures he should get used to it. “I wrote a song yesterday. I woke up on New Year’s Day and all I could think was how I was in my apartment in New York and there was a huge mess that all my friends left, and I just wanted to be with you.”

“Babe-”

“No, shh, I want to play it for you, okay? Just listen.”

It’s obviously a rough cut, but she plays the song for him on her acoustic guitar, and Louis is so filled with love for this woman who has slowly become the only person he can see himself with for the rest of his life.

She puts her guitar down and bites her lip.

“Taylor, I - wow.” He grins. “You wrote a song about me.”

“Shut up,” she says, at the same time he says “I love you.”

“Lou?”

“Maybe it’s too soon; maybe I’m being an idiot, but I love you, and someday when everyone knows about this and when some dumb fuck writes some story about how Taylor Swift is dating Louis Tomlinson because she needs another album, I’m going to tell them to fuck off because she could write a thousand songs about me and I will never ever care. If this works or if this doesn’t work, whatever happens, because right now this is all I want. You’re all I want.”

She laughs at him, and it’s so bright and happy and amused. “You’re so stupid.”

“Hey! I poured my heart out to you just now and you’re laughing at me.”

“Basically. You’re so whipped.” She does a fake whipped sound. “I wish I was there right now.”

“Whatever, I got my Taylor Swift song. That’s my life’s goal done. When I die just write it on my tombstone, one day Taylor Swift wrote a song about how she just wanted to clean up with me after a party. Other lads, they got called out, but me, I’m just the lad she wanted to do boring domestic life stuff with.” Louis grins. He misses her.

“Yeah, that’s who you are.”

“Go on then, go write more songs about me. Go write fifteen albums all about how I have the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen and our sex life is fucking phenomenal.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“That’s not what you said the morning you left!”

“Hm.” She makes a face like she’s thinking extremely hard. “Don’t recall. Must have been just trying to make you feel better.”

“Phenomenal. Mind-blowing. Ten out of fucking ten, me. I dare you to put it in a song.”

“We’ll see.” She grins. “I love you, too, by the way. And I miss your stupid face. And I miss your sisters, tell them I said hello.”

“Of course,” he smiles. “Yeah, of course.”

The chatter mindlessly for a bit and then say their goodbyes.

*August 2019*
So I guess all the rumors are true, you know I love a London Boy. Boy, I fancy you.

The album drops and Louis gets tweet after tweet of people telling him his girlfriend doesn’t know where he’s from. It makes him laugh and he screencaps his favorite ones and texts them to her.

No one will ever know all the inside jokes hidden in her lyrics. So much is just for them, even though the world knows all about them now, even though they’ve been publicly been with each other through all of the shit life has thrown at them in the last while.

It stopped bothering him a long time ago that people said they were just PR. He’s not sure how that works when they rarely actually go out together and they keep everything locked up tight, protected and safe, just between them.

He’s got his first bout of Promo in a while coming up soon. With Two of Us he had elected to completely stay away from the topic of Taylor, but since she’s doing promo this time, they both agreed that he should go ahead and talk about whatever he wants, even if that ends up being nothing.

Taylor’s still mostly letting the songs speak for themselves, but she’s more open now, more willing to talk about the things she’s held so closely for the last few years, and Louis couldn’t be more proud of how far they’ve both come in the last three years.

Sometimes someone will make a joke to him about how it’ll feel when he becomes a break up album rather than a love story album, but he mostly ignores those people. He doesn’t think about his life in those terms, never has, but especially not now.

He just thinks about how far they’ve come since he followed Niall to a random party one day in 2015. Never did he think this is where it would all lead.

Your fans keep screaming at me on twitter.

He sends her another screencap of a tweet telling him that he deserves better.

Just looking out for my best interests, love. After all, I deserve a girlfriend who knows where I’m from, don’t you know?

She sends him a picture of herself flipping off the camera. He’s never been prouder in his life.

Yeah, he figures they’ll be okay.