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Language:
English
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Published:
2019-11-12
Words:
909
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
20
Kudos:
200
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3
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2,189

Ways To Burn Yourself Out

Summary:

VENT; Unrequited Oumasai angst.

Shuichi and Kokichi are best friends, but not best friends in love.

Notes:

NOTE: Kokichi referring to Shuichi by his last name is intentional.

Work Text:

“I hate seeing you like this.”

“Then stop fucking looking at me and get out of my apartment.” He spat words of venom from the tips of his tongue. Bitter, Kokichi Ouma turns his back from Shuichi Saihara. The one person who had entered his life and bothered enough with him to actually stay and get to know him. The him past all the walls he built up and masks he hides behind. Seeing very core of Kokichi is not something every person can say they’ve done, not even those he considers his own family. Vulnerability and Kokichi were never a good mix, but with the right chemical make-up, it wasn’t an impossible equation.
Hell— Even now. Kokichi’s still pushing Shuichi away to avoid the vulnerability of the situation at hand. Though Shuichi understood, it wasn’t something he necessarily enjoyed. But if he had to, he would. Because he knows that Kokichi does this for a reason and he understands why he must do what he does in order to reach the Kokichi he’s grown to care about so much.

So Shuichi re-iterates, knowing arguing isn’t the way to go about things. “I just want to help you. I want to be there for you. Please just tell me what I can do.” He begs, he doesn’t know what he’s doing so wrong. He just wants Kokichi to be okay. And Kokichi knows this, but it’s so damn hard to not hurt this bad when Shuichi just has not even an ounce of an idea of what he’s really doing to the poor boy.
“Well can you stop? I never fucking asked you to help me, I never fucking asked you to be there or do anything but get the fuck out! Why can’t you just listen to me?! Did you not fucking hear me? Do you not fucking get it? I’m a monster!” Kokichi screeches, almost convinced he’s on the verge of losing his voice. Actually, he might be.

“That’s a lie and you know it!” Shuichi shouts, but softens his demeanor when he realizes what’s happening. This wasn’t about not wanting Shuichi around anymore. No, it’s more than that. He can see it in the way heavy tears spill down Kokichi’s face like a leaking dam on the verge of collapsing. He rushes to his side, to hold and comfort him— To let him know he’s safe and not alone.
Kokichi crumbles in Shuichi’s arms like a fragile sandcastle. The dam breaks and the tears just won’t stop. “God fucking damn you Saihara.” Shuichi just nods and let’s out a soft hum as he rubs Kokichi’s back gently.

“I hate you and your stupid loyalty. I hate you and your stupid fucking gullible self, not realizing how I tricked you into fake giving a shit about me” Kokichi growls past broken sobs. Shuichi doesn’t say anything, but he knows it isn’t true. “I hate how you think you care about me, you stupid fuck.” Kokichi practically whispers underneath his breath as he sniffles. Shuichi runs his thumb over Kokichi’s hand, brushing his skin calmly and delicately as though he were fragile. Like a little porcelain doll.

“I do. I care about you. I’m sorry I’m bad at showing it.” Shuichi apologizes. “You aren’t. That’s why I hate you, stupid.” Kokichi mutters, nudging Shuichi’s shoulder.

“You hate me?”

“...Yes.”

“Do you?” Shuichi pries.

“...No, Shuichi. Aren’t you supposed to know this?” Kokichi’s eyebrows twine together like branches. “I do. I know you don’t. I’m sorry.”

“Stupid.”

All Kokichi can do is let the person he’s so madly fucking in love with, cradle him safely in his arms like a shield from all the cruel things in this painful world. Well, Shuichi can’t do anything but sit and watch his best friend suffer from an unrequited love he cant return.

 

Life is like that. Where I turn my innocent doe eyes to you, to meet your sharp gaze. You hold our contact long and hard, like you’re searching for something within me. I don’t know what you’re looking for, but I’ve found everything I ever want and need in just one glance at you.
You know nothing but work and dedication, unfiltered loyalty and care and it’s gotten you hurt many times before. Yet you still choose to stick by me, knowing that this has such a high chance of not ending well. You know the ins and outs of my brain like a maze you’ve studied in all your years of life, yet you’ve only know me for 4.

You don’t know the things you do to me, but when you do, I can’t imagine how painful it must be for you as well, to sit and watch me burn like a wildfire. I’m a mess, I’m a flaming hot mess, but I’m your mess that you take such good care of. A tamable flame, and the only one who can train me is you.

You are so beautiful. So indescribable. So mysterious and intelligent. You are twilight and I am dusk. So very much alike, yet not quite. You are a moth I cannot catch, no matter how bright I shine my radiant light.

You are so close to me, here in my arms, and yet you are so far. So unattainable. You are the moon while I am the burning sun. Nothing to do but watch me burn myself out.

“I love you.”

“But never enough.”