Work Text:
It's not unusual for me to be so focused on my work that I fail to notice when a visitor enters my office after my assistant allows them in. The focus I honed on Voyager, a focus that allowed me to ignore everything, including myself, but my goal of seeing my crew and ship home is not an easy thing for me to set aside. Still since as far as I know, I have no scheduled appointments for today, the sensation of being watched from in front of my desk is unexpected. Even more unexpected is the fact that I feel it, as clearly as I would feel a caress against my cheek.
A shudder runs through me before I look up from my work; there is only one person who could evoke such a reaction in me to this day. Even after my unexpected loss of him to Seven of Nine. I am not certain what the expression on my face is, one of loss, of anger, of hope, perhaps. Yet, whatever it is, I know it is inappropriate and so I school my features to what I hope will be a pleasant welcoming smile as I look up at him. "Chakotay." His name feels false falling from my lips. I no longer caress it with my tongue the way I once did. I would sooner call him Commander, but that would be inappropriate since his resignation from Starfleet.
Chakotay's smile is genuine and broad, though there is a pain in his eyes that I don't want to quantify, but the sensation of hope grows stronger and I scold myself for it. "It's good to see you, Kathryn." He reaches across my desk and appropriates both my hands, squeezing them tightly, reaffirming a connection of sorts. "I hope you don't mind me intruding."
As much as it feels good for a part of me to be held by him once more, it sharpens the pain that I live with everyday of my life now and I use the excuse of moving around my desk to pull my hands away from him, dulling it once again. "You're never an intrusion, Chakotay." He settles on the couch near the window with a view of the bay while I move to my replicator and punch up the code for a good strong cup of Columbian. I have a feeling I will need it. There is a sense of foreboding to our reunion that is growing stronger with each moment that passes and I can only hope that it is just my 'exaggerated sense of paranoia', as the Fleet counsellors call it, acting up. "Can I get you something?"
"Tea, please." A small crooked grin forms on my lips. The more things change... I shake the thought out of my head and punch up the code for what I knew was once his favourite blend. Like many other things about Chakotay, these tiny bits of minutia still plague my mind, never allowing me to be completely free of him, but perhaps when all is said and done, I don't truly want to be free of him.
Picking up both our cups, I move to his side and hand him his, feeling a thrill as he sips from the cup and focuses a full dimpled grin up towards me. "My favourite and it's perfect. Thank you, Kathryn." I feel an inordinate amount of pride that I have pleased him, irrationally so, but I suppose I have gotten used to taking what small victories I can when it comes to my former first officer, my absentee best friend and the man I once thought was my soul mate.
I settle beside him on the couch and we spend a few moments in companionable silence, sipping our drinks. The subjects that for most friends would be considered small talk are inordinately painful for me and just as he once could on Voyager, he senses my pain and is trying to shield me from it. Somehow this time, I know it is inevitable however and turn towards him, forcing a smile onto my face. "So how are you doing, Chakotay? How is Seven?"
His reaction is unexpected. The pain in his eyes blossoms to full with my innocent question and he sets down his cup. His hand trembling as he does. "Seven's pregnant, Kathryn."
Somehow his pain doesn't register with me at first. How typical of me. Instead I am too focused on what I feel I must do, in spite of the pain I feel. It feels as though the coffee that I have just swallowed has turned to acid as it flows down my throat and transforms to rocks as it settles in my stomach. Still I force a smile onto my face. The smile that a good Starfleet officer would bare upon receiving such news about a former crewman. "That's wonder..." The words die on my lips as I truly see his expression. "Chakotay, what's wrong?"
"It's killing her, Kathryn..." He chokes out as looks at me forlornly. "The pregnancy is killing her and she won't give it up." I can't bear the expression on his face and pull him into my arms, knowing the pain from that will be less than the one that shoots through me as I look at him. He folds into my embrace like a child and buries his head in my neck. I feel a thrill I shouldn't at holding him so close, especially given the circumstances but even on Voyager proximity with him was a dangerous thing.
I can't stop the thoughts that run through my mind, even as I hold him, stroking his hair, murmuring soothing words to him. It makes no sense. Seven was condemning herself to death for no explicable reason, at least not logically. A surrogate could be found with little trouble to carry the child. I feel a shudder run through me as I realize that I still would be the first to volunteer. Even though I have long since given up any hope of bearing my own children, to carry a child, Chakotay's child, even knowing the pain I would suffer when I had to give it up, would be worth it. To feel that connection, that bond even for a short time.
As Chakotay begins to pull away, I release my grasp, reaching up to wipe an escaping tear from his cheek. He clasps my hand then and I am almost certain that he is going to ask me to be that surrogate. I center myself, having already made up my mind and not wishing to look too eager. His next words are not what I expect and it shocks me some; perhaps we have changed more than I would want to admit. "The Doctor and I have presented Seven with all the options, but she won't listen to us, Kathryn. I don't understand why she's doing this. I've told her I love her... I love the baby. I love her for giving me this child - a family; it doesn't matter if she's not the one to carry it. She's never let emotion dictate her actions before, Kathryn, not even after the Doctor removed the inhibitor."
Just when I thought the shards that had once been my heart couldn't get any smaller, Chakotay's words managed to turn them to dust. Even still, I manage a sympathetic smile. "I don't know, Chakotay... I don't think any of us really understand all of Seven's motivations."
The look on Chakotay's face, at once apologetic and insistent, frightens me for I know what he is about to ask and I know what my answer will be, in spite of the voices inside me telling me to tell him to go to hell. "Kathryn, you understand her better than anyone else. Including the Doctor and I. Would you talk to her? Try to convince her..."
Exactly what I feared. A part of me screams that I've saved her enough. Sacrificed enough. Lost to her enough. It is silenced as it always is by the dutiful Starfleet officer, the martyr, and the caregiver who gives of herself until there is nothing left of her. It feels as though I have fed these people from my body and soul for the past decade and there is perilously little left now to give. Even still, the answer comes out of my mouth without conscious thought. "Of course, I will..."
=/\=
As much as I hated sickbay, I hate Starfleet Medical more. Of course months of testing, poking and prodding after our return, only to be followed by mandatory counselling appointments which danced and skirted around the issues that really mattered, the things Starfleet didn't want to know, it really wasn't any wonder. I walk through the halls, repressing a shudder as I go, making my way to the first stop I must make. In order to understand why Seven is doing this, I feel I need to know why Seven is dying.
Affording the Doctor the courtesy he deserves and rarely gets, I ring the chime and wait for his invitation. "Come."
A genuine smile curves my lips as I focus on my old friend, an unspoken camaraderie having formed between us since leaving Voyager, the 'jilted lovers' coming together in a pact of friendship. "It's good to see you, Doctor."
"You as well, Admiral." He comes around his desk and hugs me tightly. "Now why is it I can only get you to come visit me under these circumstances?"
"Probably something to do with the fact that if I come visit you here, you're always trying to give me a check up and scolding me about my coffee intake," I retort back, before settling in the visitor's chair, while he perches on the edge of his desk. "I take it Chakotay let you know I'd be coming?"
The Doctor nods shrewdly, his gaze showing his apparent dislike of Chakotay for coming to me with this. While Chakotay senses my pain, the Doctor understands it. I reach out and squeeze his arm reassuringly, letting him know I am all right with this. Sighing silently, the Doctor reaches behind him and picks up a padd, which he sets in my grasp. "In layman's terms, Admiral. When Seven became pregnant, the nanoprobes in her body detected it, but instead of flushing the fetus from her body as a foreign invader, they reverted into a 'maturation chamber' mode. For the first few weeks, while we were concerned the only obvious signs were an accelerated gestation cycle. Worrisome, but since neither Seven nor the child were showing any ill effects, not terribly so."
I nod, taking it in. I should have known that nothing Seven would ever do would be ordinary. Not even reproduction. "But something changed?"
"Unfortunately, yes." I watched abstractly as the Doctor moved his hand slightly, a signal for me to go to the next screen of the document on the padd. What I see there frightens me and I look up at the Doctor for confirmation. A slow nod of the Doctor's head tells me I am right and I reach up and take the Doctor's hand, knowing the pain that this will be causing him. "As you can see, Admiral. The probes started to affect Seven as well, enforcing a rapid growth cycle on Seven's cells as well. The maturation effect on Seven is pronounced. She is only three weeks pregnant, but her fetus is at a three-month stage of gestational growth, while Seven has aged three decades. The rapid aging process is causing a considerable strain on all her organs. Even if we had removed the child when we first discovered it, I am not certain if I could have brought the nanoprobes out of this cycle. Every day we delay makes it more unlikely. The only thing I know for certain is that if we don't remove the child from Seven of Nine, she will die."
=/\=
As I step into the room, I find that the Doctor's words did nothing to prepare me for Seven's current appearance. There is more silver than blonde in her hair now, her eyes have dark circles beneath them and her skin is without the youthful resilience that my mind's eye expected. A sharp intake of breath from me betrays my shock, which is only made worse from the cold gaze Seven turns on me, colder than even when she was first removed from the Collective.
"Admiral." Seven watches me as I move closer. I still haven't sufficiently recovered from my shock. Seeing the woman I once, and still do in my softer moments, considered my daughter looking as old or older than me is not something that even Starfleet training prepares you for and I have never been adept at using my command mask against her as I was Chakotay. My stomach ties itself in knots once again, the sense of foreboding returning with a vengeance as I move along side her bed.
"Seven," I force the shock from my face with a smile, "It's good to see you." My gaze fixates on the small round of her stomach. Even in the position she is in, with death looming, I cannot help but be envious of her. My eyes flicker to hers. "May I?"
Seven nods, an almost imperious air about her, as if she knows how much I want what she has. Still, I can't resist. My hand settles on her stomach, too soon to feel anything, yet I can sense the life beneath my fingertips and a tear trickles from my eye. It's more than I can bear to think of this child growing up without benefit of its own mother. "Oh god, Seven. Why are you doing this? There has to be another way to bring this little one into the world without you sacrificing your life..." My eyes beseech her as I look at her once more.
The air in the room grows cold around me, as a smug, triumphant grin crosses my protégée's lips. Her voice is cold and reminds me of another voice, one that I had blocked from my mind since we left the Delta Quadrant. As I look at her pallid complexion Seven reminds me of no one so much as the Borg Queen at that moment. "My analysis of the situation is quite complete, Admiral. There is no feasible way I can maintain in the long term what I wish to have, so I have accepted a secondary goal as an acceptable substitute."
My brow furrows and a chill runs up my spine as I pull my hand away and take a step back. The undeniable fear the Borg caused in me, hitting me for the first time with Seven. "What do you mean?"
"My options are limited. If I was to abort the child, even though Chakotay says he would support me, I have every reason to believe that eventually he would turn from me. The Commander always wished to have a family. It was those desires that eventually convinced him that waiting for a return to the Alpha Quadrant was futile." Seven's voice betrays no emotion, no accusation as she speaks and yet I feel the need to spring to Chakotay's defense.
"You're not giving him enough credit..." Seven's arched eyebrow and cold look silences me.
"I am no longer a member of your crew, Admiral." Seven's barbed tongue takes another piece of my soul with its well-delivered cut. "If you wish to hear my explanation, you will do me the courtesy of waiting until I am finished to comment."
I fall silent. Stunned by her brutality. I have always known she had it inside of her, but it has never been focused on me.
"The outcome if I allow another woman to carry this child is equally uncertain. Chakotay already broached that subject with me and while at first it seemed to be an option, most professional surrogates are unwilling to carry a former Borg drone's child. They are logically unsure of what the consequences would be to themselves considering the current situation, even though it is my body that is creating the nanoprobes. At this juncture the child has no Borg systems of it's own." Seven's icy gaze fixes on mine. "Chakotay expressed certainty that a member of the crew would take the risk to be a surrogate for our child." My heart begins to race in my chest. I hadn't been wrong after all. "It was abundantly clear that he meant you and it was therefore unacceptable."
My legs threaten to go out beneath me. I cannot believe what I am hearing from the young woman that I took in, granted shelter, cared for, loved. Even blessed her as she took the other half of my soul. I don't think I ever knew her. "You underestimate your continued ... influence on Chakotay. At first I thought it was a condition that would pass, but it has become clear over the past two years that you would always have a hold over him that I would never have."
Seven's cold smile grows wider as she pauses and I could swear there should have been ice crystals forming on her lips. "Until now..." If she transformed into a snake at that moment, I wouldn't have been shocked. "My calculations are quite exact. I will have a lasting impact on Chakotay's life if I die giving birth to his offspring. In the most likely scenario, one where you intervene in the child and his life after my death, taking over the role of mother, there will always be some guilt on his part when he holds you in his arms, when he takes you to his bed. An illogical guilt that somehow I would have survived if he loved me more than he loved you."
Perhaps she had transformed into a snake before my eyes and I just never noticed it. Or perhaps she always had been. "In the second scenario, one where you withhold yourself from him either completely or even partially, only allowing yourself to be involved in the child's life out of your sense of guilt, my effect is even more profound. Not only will he experience the lasting sense of guilt, but you two will still be separated." I take another step away from her, the cold triumph in her eyes chilling my soul as I move swiftly from her room.
I will not return until the child's birth.
=/\=
As I cradle Seven's daughter to my breast, I smile knowingly. Chakotay smiles as the little one latches onto me to nurse, courtesy of a hypospray provided by the Doctor. For now Chakotay has accepted me as the person best suited to play this little princess's mother, but soon I know seeing me in this maternal light will turn his thoughts to expanding our family. I can't keep the triumphant smile from my lips.
Seven miscalculated badly the day she told me her 'analysis' of the situation. It was perfect except for one thing. She never took into account that I don't like being backed into corners and I always beat the odds. My misplaced sense of guilt was tossed out an airlock the instant she showed what she truly was.
My enemy.
I am merciless in defeating my enemies.
As I look into Chakotay's smiling face and see some of his pain already fading, only a day after Seven's untimely demise, I know it is only a matter of time. I've already beaten the odds. Seven will have no dominion from beyond the grave.