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The day Taehyung arrived in Seoul he already felt that he had found himself a home.
Baekhyun had warned him about the isolation, the loneliness he would find in Seoul. People walked and pushed through, where no one stopped for anyone. Taehyung had found this concern touching at first and later condescending with how often it was repeated.
Still it had been generous of Baekhyun to offer his apartment “for as long as Taehyung needed it”. It was near the heart of the city, rented solely for Baekhyun to have the smallest commute possible to Yeouido while still being affordable on his salary.
On the day Taehyung arrived, Baekhyun, feeling the obligation as the older brother, had picked him up from the train station on a taxi one hour late - traffic had been atrocious - and slowly they made their way to the apartment on a taxi. The traffic was still atrocious. From the front passenger seat, Baekhyun pointed out all the sights, the restaurants with the best bbq, with the best beer, with the best ramen and so on and so forth.
“And there,” Baekhyun gestured pointing towards an obscure alleyway which Taehyung could see that led to another main street, “is an art museum.” He paused. “Or somewhere around here. You can ask around. People here are quite helpful.”
Taehyung smiled back at Baekhyun who grinned proudly for having done right by his artistically inclined brother, not noticing at all that his claims of helpfulness of people was contradicted by his earlier proclamations of the general rudeness and disregard prevalent in Seoul.
Still Taehyung found himself moved that his older brother whom he had only seen only once in the last two years and absolutely not at all during the two years before that during Taehyung’s military service, had managed to remember his obsession with Van Gogh and Basquiat.
Outside the apartment building, an obscure white grey mass ten stories tall, Baekhyun paid off the taxi driver and helped carry the luggage in. It was the elevator they met with Park Jinyoung who had been Baekhyun’s classmate at university and now worked at an investment bank close by to Baekhyun’s own workplace. Jinyoung gave Taehyung a long appraising look upon introduction and then immediately turned towards Baekhyun.
“It really does run in your family,” he smiled. “Are you taking him under your wing? Just have him stand outside the office of Vogue Korea. They’ll snap him up in a second.”
Baekhyun chuckled uneasily. “He’s only here for a visit.” And then said abruptly. “What are you doing tonight?”
“Tonight?” Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. “Well Jaebum and I are going to this new fantastic club that just opened up in Gangam. I believe its called-”
“Heavens Door?” Baekhyun interrupted. When both Jinyoung and Taehyung turned to look at him he looked away almost sulkily. “Everyone’s talking about it.”
Jinyoung nodded as if this was only natural. “Well Seokjin enjoyed it and he was there at opening night.”
At the mention of Seokjin, Taehyung looked up and flushed. Jinyoung noticed it and rolled his eyes. “Seokjin is popular everywhere. You two should come by.” Jinyoung nodded towards Baekhyun. “Jaebum said Seokjin could drop by as well. I’ll invite others as well. It will just be like the university days.”
To Taehyung’s surprise and disappointment, Baekhyun shrugged. “Not today I think,” said Baekhyun. “Taehyung has been traveling all day. I think he would like to rest.”
Jinyoung blinked. “Is that so?”
Taehyung looked from Jinyoung’s expression of polite inquiry to Baekhyun’s glowering look. “Yes well,” he smiled, “I’ve been traveling all day now. I just want Baekhyun to cook something up for me and I would just like to go to bed.”
“I see,” Jinyoung paused and then shrugged. “Well this is my floor. I’ll see both of you around.”
It wasn’t until Taehyung and Baekhyun were back in the latter’s apartment that Baekhyun said, “So … do you want to go out tonight?”
“To Heaven’s Door?” Taehyung looked up from the takeout menu he had been pursuing. “I thought you didn’t want to go.”
“I don’t want to go to Heaven’s Door,” Baekhyun sighed as if it should have been plainly obvious. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to go out. Besides that crowd,” he let out another irritated sigh, “you won’t like them. I can’t stand them half the time either.”
“Ah,” Taehyung wondered in which suitcase he had packed his black jeans. “I’m game.”
And that's how they ended up in Itewon. It was as if the entire Seoul had rushed out here with crowds around food vendors everywhere, all the restaurants filled to the brink. At ten at night the night was still young with crowds of university students rowdily moving through the streets, having thrown their arms around each other and singing at the top of their lungs the latest hit of a girl pop group. Taehyung felt a stab of jealousy of the experience and subsequently reproached himself. Baekhyun and his parents already felt guilty. He had to let it go.
“Its wild, isn’t it?” Baekhyun turned around to look at Taehyung to make sure he was still behind him. “My friends and I used to come here a great deal during university days. There is this club I used to frequent. You will love it.”
Taehyung did indeed love it. The raw anonymity pressed against him inside the darkness of the club disrupted only by flashing coloured lights. This is what he was for, what he wanted which he could never find in Daegu, of entering a space so unaware and so involved in itself that it forgot that Taehyung was ever here.
He saw the mass of closely pressed bodies on the dance floor and was just about to make his way there when Baekhyun excitedly turned around and grabbed him by the arm.
“Seokjin is here!” he shouted above the loud music. “You remember him, right?”
Taehyung choked and was thankful for the lack of lighting. Did he remember? It was next to impossible not to still feel keen embarrassment over that one time Baekhyun brought over Seokjin during winter holidays four years ago.
Seokjin had been unlike anyone from Daegu, tall and handsome such that even Taehyung, normally talkative teenager, had been rendered speechless upon catching sight of him. But that hadn’t stopped him stopped him from shyly following Baekhyun and Seokjin to all of their excursions, to the utter irritation of the former and amusement of the latter.
It hadn’t helped that he hadn’t had anything meaningful to say to Seokjin. At the time Seokjin had been in his junior year in top university in South Korea with Baekhyun while Taehyung was a high school student with acne and utterly average grades. He had friends but that was in no way comparable to Seokjin who knew everyone and everyone wanted to know him, who was all set to pursue his masters studies abroad, whose father was the CEO of some grand old company which even Taehyung had heard of with his dismal state of general knowledge concerning anything outside of SNSD.
“I remember him,” Taehyung shouted back.
Baekhyun grinned. “Come on then.” He motioned towards the second floor which overlooked the dance floor. “Seokjin is very generous. I’m sure he will treat you to drinks now that you are in town,” said Baekhyun almost breathlessly as the music dimmed. “I knew he would be here. He plays these little games where he just drops a hint he will be somewhere but is actually someplace else. There is no way that Seokjin would’ve told Jinyoung of all people where he would be spending his Saturday night, that nosy little fucker that he is.”
Before Taehyung could ask what he meant, they were already fast approaching Seokjin’s booth in the far corner, entirely hidden under shadows so much so that an unobservant eye would have probably found the table unoccupied. It was upon closer inspection Taehyung found half a glass of beer, the stiff stillness in the dark, the glint of cufflinks as hands unclasped from under the chin and the figure leaned forward to let dim overhanging light fall upon him.
“Seokjin!” Baekhyun rushed, his smile stretching across his face. “I caught sight of you from downstairs. What are you doing here all alone?”
Seokjin tilted his head and Taehyung caught his breath. If Seokjin was handsome four years ago then Taehyung couldn’t describe him now. His long lashes framed his eyes, his lips lovely and full. His shoulders were broad and filled out his stiff white office shirt well. His dark hair fell just short of his perfectly shaped eyebrows. His tie was loosened, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up his forearms and in that moment he was living, breathing Seokjin bursting through his memories. More perfect than from his memories for this one was here and present.
Seokjin smiled at both of them, perfectly precise and beautiful. Taehyung’s heart stuttered.
“What a surprise seeing you here,” said Seokjin. He turned towards Taehyung, motioning to the both of them to join him. “Its been several years, hasn’t it? Baekhyun mentioned a few weeks ago that you might be coming around.”
“I hope you don’t mind,” Baekhyun rushed in, “us joining you. I brought Taehyung here because it used to be my favourite place during university days.”
Taehyung felt the air still. Seokjin’s expression didn’t even flicker. “Maybe Seokjin-ssi would prefer to be alone?”
Seokjin chuckled. “Oh Taehyungie you are so cute. Just call me hyung.”
“Lets stay here a little while, Taehyungie, then I’ll take you back to the dance floor,” said Baekhyun before eagerly turning back to Seokjin. “Why didn’t you say you would be here? Jinyoung said that you and others would be at Heaven’s Door?”
“Did I say something like that? I was feeling nostalgic so I came here.”
“Is that so?” asked Baekhyun cheerfully sliding into the booth leaving Taehyung to awkwardly sit in the chair opposite them. “Do you feel nostalgic often then? Bambam, you remember Bambam? He still hasn’t graduated with his military service and all. He saw you here a couple of times, drinking all alone,” Baekhyun teased. “I’ll drink with you.”
A shadow flickered across across Seokjin’s expression but before Taehyung could take proper notice it was gone, leaving him to wonder whether it was a trick of light.
“Bambam is such a party animal,” Seokjin laughed, “With his club hopping habits, I have no doubt he could say quite easily all the bars and clubs visited even once by any one of us.”
Baekhyun laughed alongside Seokjin. “He probably doesn’t sleep at all over the weekend. With all the freshmen coming in he’s been extra wild taking them for drinks after classes and on the weekend. I really marvel at his stamina.”
“That’s for sure.” Seokjin looked at his phone. “Hmm.”
Baekhyun looked around for a waiter. “Are you waiting for a call?”
“Chanyeol is supposed to be meeting me here,” said Seokjin, his eyes still on the phone. “I wonder if he’s running late.” He picked up his phone as if to call him. “Excuse me a minute. Order some drinks. We have to celebrate Taehyung’s coming to Seoul. It’s on me.”
Just as Seokjin got up and disappeared into the crowd presumably to make his call outside, Baekhyun sank into his seat. “Fuck.”
Taehyung looked at Baekhyun and waited.
“I had no idea Chanyeol was going to be here,” moaned Baekhyun. “If I had fucking known I would’ve never have fucking come here. Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.”
“Do you dislike him?”
“No,” Baekhyun stared into the distance, “more like he absolutely fucking hates me.” He groaned and covered his face with his hands. “I knew I should have checked with Seokjin before coming here.”
“What did you do?”
“What do you mean what did I do?” Baekhyun snapped heatedly. A pause. “I might have screwed him over.”
“Ah.”
“Oh for fucks sake don’t sound so surprised,” Baekhyun scowled. “It wasn’t even that serious. Nobody else would even make a big deal of it. As if he wouldn’t have done the same thing if he was in my position.”
“So what did you do?”
“Yes well you know we both graduated together,” said Baekhyun reluctantly. “We were both applying for jobs and everything. It's a difficult time, and you can’t really understand Taehyung but there is a real comfort in entering a workplace with someone you know.”
Taehyung wisely didn’t interrupt him.
“So well we both got accepted into M Corporate Ltd which was a marvel in itself. Chanyeol also gets himself accepted by this other G Company which is basically a middle-tier firm. He starts having these ideas about how work-life balance is better at G and it would be better for him to join there. He only applied there as a back-up!
“Can you imagine? Going into some unknown firm when you gotten yourself a job from a multinational company? Have you heard of a more sillier thing? So I tell him to join M. We would be together in the same department at least for the first year and will be able help each other out. Thank God he came to his senses and joined M.”
“But you left M a year in.”
Baekhyun winced. “Yes well I had too,” he said shrugging. “Mother and father practically emptied out their retirement savings to put me through A university after I lost that fucking scholarship. I could just not not pay them back. Not to mention the fact you had to…” he trailed off. “Enlist and all that.”
Taehyung didn’t say anything.
“Well you know,” Baekhyun said hastily. “There was this fantastic new job opportunity. Lesser known name but they were offering better pay. I had to take it,” he shrugged. “Anyone would’ve. I could even move closer to work and stop wasting my time on that fucking commute. So I tell Chanyeol I’m leaving and he absolutely loses it. Goes on saying that I could save the same amount of money that I would with my new job if I move in with him.”
Baekhyun shuddered. “I mean roommates at this age? So I lay it out very carefully for him. That my family isn’t rolling in money like his. Father is getting old. He needs to retire soon. My pay-check is the only thing keeping the family afloat. He just isn’t for it. He practically starts crying saying he hates M and he can’t leave since his father’s friends work at M and if he leaves before at least three years they will consider him a flake and mock his father for it and all that jazz.”
Baekhyun waved impatiently at the waitress. “I told him he was being ridiculous which he clearly was being. Nobody does that sort of thing anymore.”
“Clearly he didn’t agree.”
“No,” sulked Baekhyun, “I had to do what I had to do. He didn’t take it well.”
“Is he still at M?”
“Yes, he is. He should be glad of it. He is now working with Seokjin. You know Seokjin is in B Company-”
“Doesn’t his father own it?”
“Yes well his father is the majority shareholder of the NQ Conglomerate which owns the entirety of shares in B Company. I’m surprised you remembered.”
Baekhyun could really be so obtuse sometimes that Taehyung couldn’t even. It hadn’t even taken Jinyoung a second. “So his father is having him start from the very bottom?”
“I was quite surprised as well. I suppose they would have wanted to avoid the appearance of favouritism. Hardly anyone at B Company knows that Seokjin is who he is. Anyhow there is a joint venture between B and M, and both Seokjin and Chanyeol get selected to be part of its team by their companies.”
Baekhyun looked mournfully into the glass of beer the waitress had just put in front of him. “I would’ve killed for such an opportunity.”
“You did your best with what you could.” Taehyung taking a sip of his own beer and subsequently grimaced. “Did you at least say you were sorry?”
“Wouldn’t have worked,” Baekhyun mumbled. “I swear he was going to swing for my head the last time we saw each other.”
Taehyung personally felt it would have been better to apologise rather than leave it like that but he didn’t want to rub salt into Baekhyun’s wounds who despite his proclamations to the contrary knew he was at bare minimum partly in the wrong. Taehyung picked up his beer and set it back down again.
“Here have mine as well.” He pushed the beer glass in Baekhyun’s direction. “We can just leave. Just text Seokjin hyung I was feeling tired and we can all celebrate some other time.”
Baekhyun stared gloomily into his drink.
“Or do you actually want to see how he is?” asked Taehyung trying not to let his exasperation show. Baekhyun screwed up his face in return and flopped back into his seat. “Very well. I’ll be downstairs.”
Baekhyun halfheartedly waved him off and downed his beer before starting on Taehyung’s.
The dance floor downstairs was a maddening cluster of people gyrating in the dark. Taehyung paused before walking straight into its heart. There were bodies brushing against him, stray hands all around him.
The pounding of the music, the hot bodies twisting around him felt almost religious, he could barely think, just feel. Daegu, his unemployment, living with his brother at the age of twenty-three, his skills which other than holding a sniper seemed to consist nothing, Baekhyun’s guilt, his parents’ pain. All of it seemed so far.
Here in the dark he felt outside of it all. So when a man took hold of his wrist and pulled him closer he didn’t object. He was shorter than Taehyung but by far a more superior dancer, his body almost liquid. In the dark Taehyung couldn’t get a good look of his face but only flashes of lips, eyes, throat under the flickering lights.
Sweat poured down Taehyung’s body, it was already so incredibly warm, it was almost animalistic the way they writhed against each other. By the fifth song, noticing that Taehyung was gasping, the other guy took him by hand leading him out of the dance floor and out of the club using some sort of a back door.
“Here,” the other man said, making Taehyung lean against the brick wall, “Take in some air. I felt that you were about choke in there.”
“I think I was about to have a heat stroke in there,” Taehyung laughed. “Not to mention I was trying to keep up with you.”
“No chance of that happening,” the other man grinned. “I’m Hoseok by the way.”
“Taehyung.”
“Well Taehyung-ssi, what brings you here?”
“Just trying to run away from all my problems.”
Hoseok chuckled. “Aren’t we all? I’m a dancer, and everyone from my mother to professor from uni has told that isn’t a career.” He paused. “I say fuck them. I’ll make a career out of it.”
“You’re good. You probably will.”
Hoseok shrugged. “There aren’t as much jobs for to go around though,” he said. “Currently I’m also a dance teacher at this snotty private school. If they saw me like this,” he motioned to himself, ripped jeans, fishnet tank top and all, “they would have a fucking stroke.”
“To be fair,” Taehyung eyed Hoseok’s tight jeans with one rip being positioned precariously close to his crotch, “my parents would lose it was well. And they are as poor as anything.”
“There is always someone poorer than you,” a voice came from behind Taehyung, “Just as there will always be someone richer than you.”
“Taehyung,” Hoseok smiled, “this is Yoongi. The life of every party.”
Yoongi pulled a face. “Fuck off.” He paused to take a look at Taehyung. “Fuck.”
“Right?” Hoseok laughed.
“Fuck me,” Yoongi stared at Taehyung, “You just need to walk past the office of those shitty fashion rags.”
Taehyung tried to scowl and chuckled instead. “That’s the second time I heard this joke today.”
“Yeah well,” Yoongi ducked his head but Taehyung could already see a blush climbing up his cheeks. “Don’t complain if you have a face like that,” Yoongi snapped instead.
Hoseok practically fell down laughing. “Forget trying to get Taehyung here in a fashion magazine. They won’t take him. No one will be looking at those clothes if he’s the one wearing them.”
“Ah,” Taehyung could his face getting warm. “Stop it already.”
“Are you shy?” Yoongi demanded as if Taehyung committed a cardinal sin.
“Really Taehyung,” Hoseok joined in as well.
Taehyung groaned. “Its my first night in Seoul. I want to do something fun.” He gave both Hoseok and Yoongi a firm look. “Part of that is no more comments about my face.”
“If I had that face,” Yoongi said decidedly, “that’s all I would ever be talking about.”
“This is your first night in Seoul? Why didn’t you say so?” Hoseok asked. “How do you want to celebrate?”
“Lets go back to the dance floor.”
“Hell no,” Yoongi said, “I’m pretty sure I’m older than both of you so I’m calling in my hyung status.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Hoseok rolled his eyes. “How about we find a quiet bar and throw back a couple of beers?”
“I hate the taste of alcohol,” Taehyung looked at them mournfully. “Will they have coke?” Both Yoongi and Hoseok just stared at him. “What?” he said, “I’m not asking for strawberry milk over here.”
Yoongi groaned. “There is a convenience store over there. I’ll pick up a pack of cigarettes.” Just as he saw that Taehyung was about to say something he put his hand up. “Yes I know you haven’t ever smoked before. You will tonight. Think of this as peer pressure.”
With that final word he stalked off.
“You do that, Yoongi-hyung!” Hoseok shouted at Yoongi’s back before turning back to Taehyung. “I rush back in and tell my friends I won’t be coming back. You stay put Taehyungie.”
“Someone might steal my virtue,” Taehyung deadpanned. Hoseok laughed and took off anyway.
Taehyung sighed and checked out his phone. Baekhyun had send him a text only two minutes ago saying that he was going home, that he was sure Taehyung could find his way back as well. Another text one minute later containing the address of his apartment in case Taehyung didn’t remember.
The meeting with Chanyeol hadn’t probably gone well.
Taehyung groaned and pressed his head against the hard brick wall. He wanted to make Baekhyun feel better but he didn’t know what to do. He also knew that at some level his hesitation was from his anger which he had no right to feel. Baekhyun had got a chance to go to university. Taehyung hadn’t. Like Yoongi had said, there will always be people richer or poorer than you. He had to fucking get over it.
He just had too, okay?
He groaned again, covered his face with hand and sunk down to his haunches, trying to shake himself out of it.
And just then he heard a voice. It took him a second to realise that it was Seokjin.
He appeared to be talking to someone. It wasn’t certainly wasn’t Baekhyun. It was only when Seokjin said the name Taehyung realised it was the Chanyeol over whom Baekhyun had been messed up about. Consciously Taehyung stilled. He could barely interact with Seokjin where there was a buffer (Baekhyun sized) between them. He was going to “stay put”, hidden in the shadows and wait for Seokjin to go away.
“Thanks for coming here on such a short notice,” Seokjin was saying, “I know you must have better things to do on a Saturday night.”
“No no it's alright,” Chanyeol hastily assured him. “I don’t mind it at all. I didn’t know that your father was in such a haste over marketing plans for Product G. The vice-president had said they won’t be required for another month.”
“Well you know how parents are,” Seokjin said with a sigh, “He just called me up two hours ago and created this massive fuss that he wanted to hear the rough details of the plan over our weekly lunch tomorrow.”
“I see,” Nervous laughter from Chanyeol. “I hope he doesn’t find any glaring faults in it.” A pause. “Ah Seokjin…” he hesitated, “you are not angry at me are you? For the mess of last week. I know I should I’ve completed that report but it was just-”
Seokjin laughed. “We’re teammates, Chanyeol. Of course we cover each others tracks.”
“I just thought you might be mad at me. You know… with that.”
“With what?”
“Well, Baekhyun was here.”
“Aren’t you two friends?” Seokjin asked. “Did I miss something?”
“Its just we aren’t speaking these days. I wish you had told me he would be here when you called me up.”
“I am terribly sorry,” Seokjin sounded contrite. “If I had known I would have just asked you to come later to my flat.”
“Its alright,” Chanyeol responded. “You didn’t know so there is nothing to it. Thank you for the drinks. You are always so generous.”
After that the voices drifted away, probably because the both of them were walking towards their cars. Taehyung stayed still for a minute. Slowly he got up and peeked out of the alleyway.
Seokjin was standing a little further away checking his phone. He must have seen Taehyung peeping out from the corner of his eye as his head immediately snapped up.
“Taehyung,” he smiled. “I thought you must have left with Baekhyun.”
“I wanted to stay longer so…” Taehyung trailed off awkwardly. Seokjin’s smile seemed as if it could never meet his eyes. Had it always been like this? “I was dancing. Just came out for a little fresh air.”
Seokjin nodded. “I like the music here. I often come here to just listen to it.”
“I’m sorry. Baekhyun hyung and I must have interrupted you,” said Taehyung. He didn’t know what to say. Was there a way of asking that hey did you bring my bother’s ex-best friend here simply for torturing him for interrupting your private time? How does anyone just ask that? “Hyung,” Taehyung hesitated, “I heard you talking to Chanyeol. Did you invite him after Baekhyun hyung come over?"
It was only then Seokjin’s faltered, a subtle tenseness of his mouth before it relaxed. “Taehyung, why would you think that?” asked Seokjin, his mouth curving downward, “If I had known they weren’t talking to each other I of course would let have Chanyeol know or met him some place else.”
When Taehyung didn’t say anything, Seokjin continued, “Taehyung, don’t think badly of me.”
Taehyung looked at Seokjin’s earnest expression. “Yes, of course hyung. It was wrong of me to think like that.”
“Baekhyun and I have been good friends since freshmen year in university,” Seokjin smiled. “I wouldn’t do this to him. I just wish he would tell me these things.”
“Yeah,” Taehyung cleared his throat. Baekhyun had known that Chanyeol was coming by beforehand. He had just chosen not to leave. “I should get going now, hyung. Thanks for the drinks.”
Not at all,” Seokjin said, his expression sincere. “Its nice to see you after all these years.”
Taehyung smiled unable to help as to how weak it was. “I like being here. In Seoul. It’s so different.”
“I’ve lived here my entire life,” said Seokjin, “and I’m still discovering it.” He paused. “You know there is this massive club Heaven’s door thats opened up. Would you like to go there next week? We should celebrate properly.”
“Uh.. no, I… can’t,” Taehyung stammered. Seokjin still had that perfect immaculate smile on his face. Fuck he should come up with an excuse. “I actually have plans with my friends.”
“I see,” The expression on Seokjin did not even flicker. Did he even care? “Some other time then.”
“Yes,” Taehyung said, “of course.”
“Well I should be on my way,” said Seokjin looking at his watch. “I have brunch with my father tomorrow so I’ll need an early start to face him.”
Taehyung thought that was a little too much of an explanation than what their lack of relationship merited. He instead gave a short nod. “Yes, I’ll see you around then.”
It was only when Seokjin was safely out of sight that Taehyung let out a huge groan. “Fuck fuck fuck.” Only a few hours ago he would have fallen over his feet to accept Seokjin’s invitation. Why was life like this?
“What,” Yoongi’s voice came from behind him, “the fuck was that?”
Taehyung really had no clue.
-------
The next time Taehyung saw Seokjin it was two months later at a party thrown by Baekhyun. Taehyung had just moved out a week earlier to the fringes of the city sharing an apartment with Yoongi whose “shithole of a roommate” had run off without paying that month’s rent.
The apartment was small with two rooms each the size of a closet unable to hold anything other than a cupboard and a bed. The kitchen had a stove, a small fridge and not much else. The roof leaked and sometimes Yoongi turned on his music a little too loud in the early hours of the morning.
But it was his. Wholly his. Paid from his job as a waiter at a high end restaurant which according to Yoongi (and Hoseok had silently agreed) had employed Taehyung because of his face as opposed to anything else. There was no doubt about it because after all he hadn’t had much experience to recommend him. He just had to keep his head down and not incur the wrath of the head chef, the other chefs, the manager, the maître d’, the senior waiters, the dishwasher guy and the cat who prowled the alleyway behind the restaurant looking for leftovers.
Still, the pay was good. The tips even better.
Here among Baekhyun’s friends he could see so much of the sort of people who filled the Hunan. Rich and filled to the brim, bored and name-dropping their vacations (“Aruba, darling” “Fiji was gorgeous”) to their purses (“Chanel, baby, Chanel”) to their cars (“Like anything other than an Aston Martin would do”). Nothing was safe, not even pyjamas (“I can’t sleep in anything other than Saint Laurent”).
It was obscene and yet Taehyung wasn’t disgusted. If anything it somewhat amusing. The subtle ways they tried to one up each other, the cool triumphant look when one of them realised that she had the upper hand or that distraught look of panic which flickered across his expression at the misstep of wearing white socks with grey pants.
And then there was Taehyung in the background taking it all in.
“I highly doubt,” Yoongi had drawled when Taehyung had told him all of this, “that you are ever the background.”
But in a way thats what he truly ever was. He was a hard worker but his employment rested very keenly upon his face, the ability to not drop expensive china, show up on time and stay up late. All in that order. It had even sprung a game between the regular clientele where they tried to figure out his schedule or leave outrageous tips with their business cards carefully tucked in.
Taehyung knew better to think it truly for him despite whatever Yoongi may think. For now he was a novelty, just like for Seo Joon he had been a novelty. Only desired because nobody had a taste but only a look instead. A rich handbag not wanted for what it was but what it represented.
Yoongi had been decidedly amused by him and had said almost fondly, “it has also has something to do with your blank face, you know? It makes people want to burrow deep. To know what kind of thoughts that kind of face is hiding.”
“You are lyrical, hyung,” Taehyung had solemnly responded, “you should be a musician” and then had laughingly jumped out of the way when Yoongi tried to kick him.
Baekhyun’s friends were no different. There was talk of stocks, of cars, of vacations and an occasional wedding. Even Seokjin in his fine black suit was standing in a corner with three others debating the merits of vacationing in Japan vs New Zealand.
“Interested?”
Taehyung turned around and saw Jinyoung leaning against the wall behind him. “In what?”
Jinyoung laughed. “Don’t be coy,” he tilted his glass in Seokjin’s direction. “Although I don’t know why. He’s handsome but that can only take you so far. He is such a boy next door.”
“The boy next door?”
“The handsome young man whom every person has a crush on growing up,” Jinyoung took a sip of his drink. “Filial, polite, politically correct, won’t hurt a fly type.”
“Is that what you think of Seokjin hyung as?”
“Sorry to destroy your daydreams, baby, but he is such a tremendous bore,” Jinyoung shrugged before pausing and then leaning forward with a conspiratorial wink. “You know his ex-fiancé Bong Soon?”
“Not particularly,” responded Taehyung wondering as to how Baekhyun with all his latest gossip had failed to pass this information up.
“Well it was only a coupe of months into their month she started being seen around with Jang Mi-Kwan. Apparently Seokjin worked too late into the evenings and when he didn’t he wasn’t exactly a stimulating conversationalist. A pity given the years Bong Soon spend chasing after him.” Jinyoung took another sip of his drink. “Poor Seokjin. It didn’t even take marriage for her to finds him boring.”
Taehyung suppressed the urge to ask who in the world Jang Mi-Kwan was. He had a feeling that Jinyoung expected him to know and would be incredibly disappointed and put off if Taehyung indicated otherwise.
“Which just goes to show, Taehyung,” said Jinyoung almost with a manner of a great sage about to bestow great wisdom, “money isn’t everything.”
Taehyung let out a choked chuckle. Jinyoung smirked as if in on the joke. “Don’t waste your time there. I’ll take you out for dinner,” Jinyoung stepped in closer. “I’ll show you a nice time.”
With practically all of his evenings occupied at his job, Taehyung doubted that he would be going anywhere. He gave a polite smile and said so as much.
“Oh come on,” Jinyoung persisted, “I don’t have the kind of money as Seokjin but all his worth is his daddy’s anyway.”
“As opposed to you, hyung,” said Taehyung, taking a sip of his drink, “who worked throughout university to support yourself.”
Jinyoung flushed. “Well I didn’t say that … did Baekhyun tell you this? My parents were always so willing to support me. I offered to work you know but they wouldn’t hear of it. They just wanted me to focus on my studies.”
“Of course hyung.”
Later on when Jinyoung finally left his side for more willing company it was Seokjin who approached him, smiling and with two bottles of beer at hand. “Jinyoung finally let you out of his claws? I thought he would never.”
Taehyung gave a small smile. When Seokjin was his boy next door he hadn’t known what to say to make sophisticated and intellectual Seokjin interested in him. Now the brilliant and handsome Seokjin was more of the same. Easy smiles which didn’t meet his eyes, subtle tenseness of his mouth when he heard something he didn’t like.
If Seokjin had been watching him and Jinyoung the entire night, Taehyung had also been observing him. He was generally well-liked though his achievements focused mostly so on his generosity (“You could always count on Seokjin to pass on class notes in university” or “remember he always used to treat us out for dinner after presentations and exams?”).
It was deplorable of Taehyung, something he could only recognise now. He was almost looking for reasons to find similarities between Seokjin and Seo Joon, and then to dislike Seokjin for it. He didn’t want to find another Seo Joon, another person who just thrived on stretching and manipulating the truth to see how far he could make a victim out of himself and a liar out of others.
It frightened Taehyung, how carelessly the urge had hit him. It was just the sort of thing Seo Joon would do. Lie in wait and patiently use whatever the other person had given against them. So no. Taehyung did not want to involve himself with Seokjin, did not want to examine every action of his against the fucked up scale he had set up in his head and despite whatever Jinyoung had thought up, he did not want to date him. Not now anyways.
There was a reason why his life was as it was. There were no half-truths, shallow lies in it. Yoongi was the most upfront person he had ever known (“its depression, little guy, I’m too old and too tired to give a fuck as to what anyone thinks”), Hoseok whose deception whenever half-heartedly attempted was so obvious that it had become a punch-line one month into their friendship and Baekhyun whose lies were so pitiful and simple in ambition (“Look I took out garbage last week, Taehyung, now its your turn”) that it didn’t even count.
Seokjin wasn’t like any of them. His demeanour, his lies had been built with care and now had the advantage of ease from practice. All of his lies could very well be harmless. Taehyung didn’t want anything to do with Seokjin just because how easily Seokjin could turn against him. But also because of the ugliness he shone light in him. The slow steady realisation that if you said things the right way in the right circumstance people would believe you and no one would be wiser.
Seokjin could be Seokjin but Taehyung did not have to be a stupid little boy.
“Incidentally you should steer clear of Jinyoung,” Seokjin was saying. Taehyung shook himself out of his thoughts.
“Why do you say that, hyung?”
“He’s a little fast paced, isn’t he?” Seokjin looked almost looked concerned. “I wouldn’t want you to be pressurised into doing something you didn’t want to.”
Taehyung laughed. “From Jinyoung-hyung?” Jinyoung was so not a concern. “I’m twenty-three years old, hyung, not sixteen. I think I can handle it.”
“If you say so,” Seokjin did not seem as convinced. “Baekhyun told me about your new job. Is it going well?”
“Yes, hyung, it is. It’s a lot of on the job learning. The way the napkins should shaped, the way cutlery is supposed to go, how to make various drinks.” Taehyung hesitated, “I’m sure it's boring for you, hyung, with what you do all day. I’m surprised that Baekhyun even told you. Before I came in he told me not to tell anyone that I was a waiter, that otherwise they would only laugh behind my back.”
“I’m afraid they will,” Seokjin said, his expression apologetic. “They all seem to thrive on such frivolous things.”
“Hyung, they’re your friends,” laughed Taehyung.
“Work acquaintances more like,” Seokjin shrugged. He scowled at Taehyung. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you rolling your eyes during our vacation talk.”
“Its was very scintillating,” Taehyung grinned. “I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep up.”
“Aish,” Seokjin shook his head, “kids these days.” He tapped the his bear bottle against Taehyung’s. “Come on, drink up. Your hyung got it for you.”
“Ah hyung I don’t like the taste of alcohol,” Taehyung tapped the beer bottle back against Seokjin’s. “Why don’t you drink mine as well?”
“Should I have brought you apple juice?” Seokjin teased pushing his hair back before it flopped back on to his forehead. “Chocolate milk?”
“Strawberry milk,” Taehyung corrected. He paused. “You know, hyung, you look better like with your hair pushed back.”
“Is that so?” Seokjin murmured. He pushed his hair back again but the way it was styled it fell immediately back on to his forehead. “Don’t I already look so handsome?” he smiled winningly.
“Hyung, you look handsome either way. With your hair pushed back, you almost look,” Taehyung watched with interest as Seokjin’s ears slowly turned red, “… intimidating. Right now you look affable.” Taehyung paused. “You are not the affable type, hyung.”
“No?”
“No, hyung.”
————
The next a few months were nothing short of peculiar. The news of Taehyung’s job at the Hunan had gotten around despite Baekhyun trying to keep it a secret. Within one week of the party, Jinyoung, Sehun, Jaebum and Seokjin came by the restaurant separately, some with their friends and others not. Jinyoung and Sehun were by far the most frequent visitors. And so utterly obvious in their flirtations that Taehyung wasn’t at all surprised that at the end of every visit that there were several business cards left behind with a scribbled note to call. Jaebum came by once or twice every month, always with a derisive smile and a cheap tip. He and Baekhyun apparently had a friendly rivalry (which wasn’t always so friendly). Baekhyun had told him to ignore Jaebum and he would stop coming around. That’s exactly what happened three months in.
With Seokjin, it was different. He always came by alone every other week on the day that happened to be their least busiest, always seated in Taehyung’s section. Taehyung couldn’t tell whether it was accidental or not. He could have asked the maître d’ but he felt reluctance to do so. It was no secret that senior staff felt that Taehyung already had enough advantages and were resentful of him. Both Hoseok and Yoongi had told him to keep his head down and not attract attention at least for the next six months, and Taehyung was determined to do so. He had his eye on a photography course and he couldn’t exactly pay for it if he was out of a job.
Regardless, every other Tuesday Seokjin would come by and stay till closing time. He sat by himself in a dark corner at times reading a book or looking out the window. He left a nice tip but never a ridiculous amount that would have alarmed Taehyung. One time he had even offered Taehyung a ride home and had then walked him to the door, taking it all in.
Taehyung wasn’t embarrassed about where he lived, it was his and he had gotten it through hard work. Taehyung had invited him on for tea, and opened to door to see Yoongi and Hoseok sprawled on the living room floor complaining about the heat. Seokjin hadn’t been alarmed or disgusted at all, and instead had a polite conversation with them as Taehyung made lemonade instead.
Taehyung couldn’t imagine any other friend of Baekhyun being so polite. Hell, as it was Baekhyun himself didn’t know how to act around them, Hoseok with his wild dancing career where he taught ballet on the side and Yoongi with cigarettes and insomnia, trying to make it as a producer. For Seokjin they might as well have been anyone from his regular life, he was restrained but as always with a perfect smile on his face.
It was moments like these when Taehyung didn’t know what to do with Seokjin. Before he had left, outside Taehyung’s doorway he had patted Taehyung’s head and left his hand there for a second longer than necessary. As Seokjin walked away, Taehyung stood at the doorway when a sudden desperation hit him, of just wanting to hold Seokjin’s hand, to see how he would grip him, the warmth of it all.
He was still that nineteen year old stupid kid.
Seokjin started dropping off Taehyung at his apartment more frequently, at times only coming by the restaurant only to pick Taehyung up and to drive him home. Taehyung had wondered why Seokjin went out of his way for him so much and once had actually asked. To this Seokjin had smiled.
“Because you are my cute little dongsaeng.”
It was during this time Taehyung almost forgot, lets himself enjoy how Seokjin laves with him attention, how attentively he listens, remembers things that Taehyung only mentioned once in passing, how warm Seokjin’s hand feels on his arm and later, his hand when Seokjin tugs him near, away from the rowdy crowds or just to bring him closer.
If they could exist in a vacuum, it would be perfect.
But life wasn’t in a vacuum.
“What do you want, hyung?” Taehyung asked. The shift at the restaurant had unexpectedly ended early so he and Seokjin had decided to go on a walk. And as Taehyung was it only took him a minute to realise he was hungry and as it was there was a convenience store on their way. “My treat.”
Seokjin laughed, his eyes crinkling. “As amazing as that sounds, Taehyungie, I can’t eat another bite. I just had a dinner at the restaurant.”
“Okay, hyung,” Taehyung grinned back, “I’ll just get you strawberry milk.”
“No,” Seokjin paused, “Chocolate.”
“You are such a baby, hyung. True adults drink banana milk.” Taehyung waited for Seokjin to scowl at him before running into the convenience store, aware that through the large windows of the store, Seokjin was still watching him.
In the store, he headlined towards the cold storage area. There was already a man there in rumpled office clothes eying the range of beers available. Taehyung ignored him and grabbed a couple of packs of banana, strawberry and chocolate milk. He had a full intention of teasing Seokjin with the banana flavour before producing the chocolate one.
Taehyung grinned. He could already imagine Seokjin’s pseudo-scowl and his ever consistent “Aish, kids these days” remark.
“Oh boy,” the man next to him slurred, “aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”
Taehyung ignored him and turned to walk towards the counter.
A hand reached out to grab his arm. “Don’t walk away from me when I’m paying you a compliment. You ain’t a woman. Don’t act snooty.”
“Let go of me,” Taehyung snapped ripping his hand out of the hold.
“Hey!” The lady behind the counter shouted. “Stop bothering that kid and get the hell out of my store if you are going to make trouble!”
The man grumbled and shouldered Taehyung on his way out, knocking him into a shelf of ramen cups.
“Jesus,” said the lady throwing a glare at the man as he stomped out. She then towards Taehyung. “You okay over there, kid?”
“Yeah,” said Taehyung approaching the counter with his drinks, “Does he come around often?”
“He’s the local drunk,” the lady snorted. “He comes around often thinking if he lurks around often I’ll give him a free can of beer. Right.”
“Will you alright here, Ma’am?” Taehyung asked. “Weekday nights are always so isolated and lonely.”
The lady laughed. “Don’t worry about me, kid.” She took out her baseball bat from underneath the counter and flipped it. “This old man and I can set the world on fire.”
Grinning, Taehyung walked out of the convenience store to find Seokjin nowhere to be seen and felt his heart drop. That drunken man had come out and probably …
Taehyung turned blindly and trying to find a hint of where they might have gone. He was just about to rush back into the store and tell the lady to call the police when he heard a whimper from the dark lane on the side of the store.
As he practically ran towards the sound, his heart pounding, he expected the worst. Seokjin beaten to the ground, bloody and bent all because Taehyung had gotten too wrapped in himself to think of Seokjin waiting outside.
It wasn’t Seokjin.
But in a way it was. It was him.
“Look here you little fucker,” Seokjin hissed, too focused on the man cowering before him to pay attention to much else. He had circled the man’s tie around his neck and wrapped the remaining around his hand so when he pulled, the noose around the man’s neck tightened and pulled him forward. “You don’t get to touch him, got it?”
The man whimpered again. It took a second for Taehyung to realise that Seokjin’s foot was on the man’s hand, grinding it down.
“Does it hurt?” Seokjin rotated the top of his foot on the man’s hand as the man let out a gasp. “Good.”
The man wiggled as if trying to break free. Seokjin smirked instead. “There are no street cameras here. I’m not your kind of stupid.”
Taehyung covered his mouth and took a step back. He should say something or yell something but his heart was pounding, his limbs stiff. He felt himself break out in cold sweat. It was like back in the army. Back with Seo Joon.
Seokjin removed his foot from the man’s hand and crouched down, using the tie as a leash to bring the man’s head forward. “Trash like you really piss me off. With your fucking entitlement, thinking everything belongs to you.” Seokjin let out a huff almost like a laugh. “Your type doesn’t even learn, huh? With your fucking victim complexes, thinking that the world is out to get you but won’t do anything yourself.”
“Does that little honeypot,” the man rasped, “know what kind of monster his john is?”
Taehyung felt air leave his lungs. That idiot.
“Aish,” Seokjin got up from his haunches, his smile perfect and immaculate. “Elders these days.” His hold on the tie was tight as he kicked the man in the stomach. And again. “They really can’t keep up with the times.”
It took a while for Taehyung’s hands to stop shaking.
————
It amused Taehyung to no end and perhaps that was the reason why he went out with Jinyoung in the first place. They weren’t dating but Jinyoung wanted to be seen everywhere with him. In the presence of other people (mostly his friends and coworkers), he seemed to thrive in sending out little hints that they were far more intimate than they actually were. When asked upfront about it Taehyung would deny it straight-out while Jinyoung would instead give out coquettish replies which had all the effect of negating Taehyung’s denial.
Taehyung really felt he should be angry. Yoongi had not been impressed as his passivity and had made his opinion about Taehyung’s thinking capability well-known (“I dare you to be more idiotic, Taehyung, come on I fucking dare you”). Hoseok's eyebrows had also raised in alarm (“dude fucking hell I don’t wanna be that person but isn’t that like controlling behaviour and shit…?”).
For some reason Taehyung found the entire matter more ridiculous than anything. He had told the entire matter to Baekhyun who had practically lit up at Taehyung confiding in him but that had made him feel more like an asshole than anything else. But at least now he knew that Jinyoung wasn’t claiming silly nonsense about them behind his back.
He still went out with Jinyoung when he invited and Taehyung found an opening in his schedule. It was utterly stupid he knew but being around Jinyoung was socialising and relaxing at the same time. He had pretensions but such obvious ones that Taehyung couldn’t even call them an attempt to deceive. He chattered incessantly about people’s love life, who was seen where and with whom that Taehyung only had to focus marginally upon him and the entire conversation went by with him making noises of assent here and there.
Taehyung enjoyed Jinyoung’s more obvious side. There were no affectations, no hidden meanings, no poisoned words charmingly delivered. What he did not find amusing was when before entering the club to meet his coworkers, Jinyoung would look into the car review mirror and rigorously rub his lips with his hand to show as if he had spent the last hour making out .
“I can feel you judging me,” mumbled Jinyoung. “Stop it.”
“Then stop being ridiculous,” Taehyung sighed. Even as he said it he couldn’t summon more than a mild irritation. Jinyoung was quite like a little boy, so eager to show everyone that he had something which no one else did.
“Lets go in,” Jinyoung said finally satisfied. He grinned boyishly at Taehyung, red-faced and happy, and despite himself, Taehyung found himself smiling back.
In the club, a private room had already been reserved. Jaebum and several other Jinyoung’s friends were already there several drinks in. They were treated with a cheer and immediately a beer bottle was shoved into their hands. In the hustle and bustle of people getting up and them sitting down, it took Taehyung a minute to realise that Seokjin was sitting beside him.
Several months had passed since the incident at the convenience store. Taehyung had ducked out of the alleyway before Seokjin had seen him but he knew that Seokjin knew that he knew. He been shaking and abnormally quiet by the time Seokjin had taken him home, Seokjin himself quiet and throwing concerned glances Taehyung’s way. The next day he sent flowers and for weeks after.
Taehyung still went out with him, but not with the same frequency as before or with the same intimacy. Seokjin’s expression was always placable whenever Taehyung denied him, his smile perfect but his eyes disappointed. If his sadness was enough to thaw Taehyung, his smile was a reminder to hold steadfast.
“Hyung,” Taehyung said,“is Baekhyun hyung also coming?”
Seokjin’s face was flushed. Clearly he had been here a while. “Ah no. He didn’t say anything.”
“Is that so?” Taehyung couldn’t help be a little surprised. “Hyung usually doesn’t miss a chance to go clubbing.”
“Haven’t the roles been reversed?” laughed Sehun who was sitting on the other side of Taehyung. “Its usually Baekhyun hyung here and Seokjin hyung at home. But now Seokjin hyung has started coming around more and more, and Baekhyun hyung less so.” He raised his beer glass into the air. “I’m not complaining. Seokjin-hyung always buys so many rounds.”
“Would you like me to get you coke?” Seokjin ignored Sehun, peering intently at Taehyung. “I know you don’t drink beer, Taehyungie.”
Taehyung shook his head, leaning closer so Seokjin could hear him properly over the loud music and conversation. “Why isn’t Baekhyun hyung coming?”
“Well he didn’t say anything.” Seokjin paused. “But I suppose Chanyeol’s presence here tonight may have something to do with it. They have been avoiding each other for more than a year now.”
“Is he here tonight? I don’t think I’ve met him before.”
Seokjin motioned towards the corner of the room where a black haired man with chubby cheeks was quietly drinking, his body sinking in towards the table as if with exhaustion. Noticing the heavy purple bags under his eyes, Taehyung had no doubt in his mind that Chanyeol should be sleeping as opposed to being out drinking.
He made such a sad little picture that he had no doubt as to why Baekhyun so persistently avoided him. Every look at Chanyeol and his worn out face must have sent a stab of guilt into Baekhyun who already had a knack for ignoring the matter until it practically exploded in his face.
“Excuse me, hyung,” said Taehyung getting up from his place. He didn’t wait for Seokjin’s reply before moving to sit next to Chanyeol who looked up with a start.
“Hello,” Taehyung smiled. “I’m Taehyung. I don’t think we have met before.”
“Chanyeol,” Chanyeol stared. “Fuck. They weren’t kidding about you. What did your mother eat while she was having both of you?”
Taehyung ducked his head. “Ah please don’t embarrass me.”
“You’re cute,” Chanyeol cooed reaching out to pinch Taehyung’s cheek. “Baekhyun’s baby brother.”
“Um Chanyeol-ssi,” Taehyung said, trying to keep his voice low so as to avoid being heard by others, “I know I shouldn’t interfere but-”
“That’s usually reason enough not to,” said Chanyeol, pouring himself another drink, “interfere, I mean.”
Taehyung lowered his eyes. “Yes, I know. But he’s my brother and he’s miserable without you. I can’t just do nothing.”
“You can do something,” Chanyeol took a sip, “you can just let him be miserable.”
“I can’t.”
“Baekhyun is very spoilt, isn’t he?” Chanyeol sloshed his drink around in the glass. “It wasn’t difficult to tell from his childhood stories, and the way you and your parents put him through university. Aren’t you resentful? I think I would have been.”
Taehyung blinked. “I guess it was always because he felt so guilty. I couldn’t be angry when he was already so angry at himself.”
“Huh,” Chanyeol stared at Taehyung, “Baekhyun really lucked out with the people around him, didn’t he? Some people would call us idiots.”
“Then you are still his person?” Taehyung smiled, quick to pick up on the slip.
Chanyeol gave a small smile. “I guess I never really stopped. I had a lot of time to think about it. I should have stood up for myself and said no to joining M Corporate,” he sighed. “I can’t keep blaming other people for failing to stand up for myself.” He finished his drink in one go. “I just which he would say sorry.”
“He will,” Taehyung promised, “he will.”
“He’s an idiot, isn’t he?”
“A certified one,” said Taehyung unrepentantly. “I never understood how he got the grades that he did.”
Chanyeol smiled sleepily. “i don’t really know what to do with him,” he said almost fondly. “I miss him but whenever I see him I want to shake him.” He paused. “He never even said that you know. Just started avoiding me.”
“I told you,” Taehyung shrugged, “absolutely certified.”
Chanyeol laughed at that one.
Taehyung grinned. “There was this time when he took to wearing eyeliner at school even though our school expressly forbad it. He even got a couple of warnings. So the fifth time the teacher was really mad so he just said it was medicine.” Taehyung paused. “For his eyes.”
“Did he really?” giggled Chanyeol.
“I wasn’t there but apparently the entire class face-palmed.”
“I can feel the secondhand embarrassment,” moaned Chanyeol. He flashed a clumsy grin, his shoulders dropping and his clothing messy. He was almost like a teddy bear: soft and squishy. “I like you.” He messily poured out two drinks and pushed one towards Taehyung.
Taehyung inwardly grimaced. He picked up the glass and watched the liquid slosh around. Ugh how could people stomach so much of it?
“Come on, Taehyungie,” Jinyoung cheered on from the other side of the table, his own cheeks flushed and eyes glazed. “Drink up! You never let go, baby boy! Ah everyone cheer Taehyung on!”
Taehyung could have throttled Jinyoung at that point. Practically the entire focus of the room had turned towards him, everyone hooting and urging him on. If Baekhyun was here he would have probably gotten everyone to leave him alone but as it was Baekhyun wasn’t here.
Just as he lifted the glass to finish it in one go a hand came down from behind him and plucked it from his hand. Taehyung whipped around to see Seokjin standing behind him, downing the drink.
“Ah everyone,” Seokjin said when he was finished, “don’t treat my cute little dongsang like that.”
“Aish,” Jinyoung scowled, “Seokjin is no fun.”
“Are you okay?” Sehun said to Seokjin from his corner. “I’ve never actually seen you drink this much.”
Taehyung was still looking at Seokjin with his mouth agape. “Seokjin hyung,” he whispered. As if on cue the redness from Seokjin’s cheeks spread to his ears.
Chanyeol nudged at Taehyung. Despite his own flushed face, his eyes were soft. “Taehyung-ssi, why don’t you take Seokjin hyung outside? The cold air will do him good.”
“Ah yes,” Taehyung got up and took Seokjin by the arm, “Hyung, come on.”
Outside the night was cold and frigid as Taehyung led Seokjin to one of the benches in the nearby park. Despite it, Seokjin hung pliantly to Taehyung, wholly relying upon him to lead him anywhere.
“Do you need water, hyung?” Taehyung asked as he helped Seokjin sit down. Seokjin mumbled. Taehyung inched closer. “What did you say, hyung? I didn’t understand.”
Seokjin lifted his hands and took hold of Taehyung by his arms, his hands trembling as he did so, and pulled him closer. “I like,” he whispered, “the way you say hyung.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung breathed. “Hyung, are you okay? I’ll get water-“
“No,” Seokjin cut him off, “stay with me.” And with that he pulled Taehyung into his lap and wrapped his arms around him. “Its cold. Let's stay like this.”
Taehyung let his head fall on Seokjin’s shoulder. He should have felt troubled by it but he couldn’t be bothered. Seokjin had looked so hapless so drunk back in the bar, Taehyung found it comforting. “You are so weird, hyung,” he whined.
“Taehyung-ah,” Seokjin pulled Taehyung closer into his chest. “What do you get from a pampered cow?”
“Huh?”
“Spoiled milk!”
Taehyung lifted his head from Seokjin’s shoulder, looked at him for a minute before letting it fall back. “Hyung,” he sighed while trying to hide his smile, “why are you like this?”
“Taehyung-ah.”
“Yes, hyung?”
“I could tell a joke about pizza.”
“Please don’t, hyung.”
“But it’s a little cheesy.”
Despite trying to hold it, Taehyung giggled. “Hyung,”
“Taehyung,” Seokjin rubbed Taehyung’s arm as if to warm him up. “Taehyung-ah.” There was a pause. “Tell me…”
Taehyung smiled and prepared himself for another corny joke as he wiggled in closer to Seokjin. After all it was so so cold. He couldn’t help himself. “Yes, hyung?”
“Why do you let Jinyoung call you baby boy?”
Taehyung stiffened and then slowly let himself relax, keeping his face pressed against Seokjin’s warm shoulder. “He said so the first time tonight? I think …” Taehyung hesitated, “he probably does it to show off or something.”
“Then why do you let him think you are something of his that he can show off?”
That steel, that iciness. Taehyung didn’t dare look up. “Its stupid, hyung. Jinyoung is just insecure. And I…” Taehyung played with the button’s on Seokjin’s coat, “I guess it just doesn’t matter to me.”
“It matters to me.”
Taehyung lifted his head and met Seokjin’s gaze. “Where you ever really drunk, hyung?” He said lightly, lifting his hand to brush it against the side of Seokjin’s head. “I like your hair like this, hyung,” he said, tracing Seokjin’s forehead, “the way your bangs are pulled back. Before, you looked like a kpop idol,” Taehyung placed his head back, his cheek pressed against Seokjin’s chest. “Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Now,” Taehyung searched for the right words, “you look intimidating. Like you truly are.”
“Are you scared of me, Taehyung-ah?”
“Yes, hyung,”
“I would never hurt you.”
“Not physically, hyung,” Taehyung caressed Seokjin’s cheek, “I am frail in so many other ways.”
—-
“You are a wackernoodle,” Yoongi stated.
“Yeah,” Taehyung responded from his place on the floor next to the couch where Yoongi was lying on. “But why though?”
“Don’t make me kick you,” Yoongi warned, “I’m too tired.”
“You are always too tired, old man,” Taehyung grinned sleepily. He was as well. It was two in the morning and he had just back from his shift. “And your legs are too short anyway.” He got a cushion thrown on his head for that.
“You should have leeched Seokjin a little bit more,” snarked Yoongi, “We could have at least gotten him to replace our kitchen stove instead of just sending us flowers and chocolates. It took me practically an hour to boil eggs yesterday.”
“It wasn’t like that, hyung,” Taehyung groaned. “He’s Baekhyun’s friend. That’s why he looks out for me.”
This time Yoongi really did kick him. “Its exactly like that,” Yoongi hissed. “Otherwise why would he stop?”
When Taehyung didn’t respond, Yoongi sat up on the couch. “What’s wrong, Taehyung?”
“He’s nice,” said Taehyung staring at the peeling paint on the ceiling, “but he’s not nice, you know?”
“No,” Yoongi stared. “Did he try to hurt you? Because if he did, you need to tell me right now.”
“No, hyung,” Taehyung sighed, “It wasn’t like that. It’s just,” he hesitated, “I don’t know how to describe it.”
“Try using words.”
“He’s just,” Taehyung paused before continuing, “always says the right words and never offends anyone. But it’s not real. He wears this veneer of being this perfect nice guy who would never say a bad word about anyone but …”
“But?” Yoongi prodded.
“Everyone around him just doesn’t realise they think they know him but they only know a character who is this boring businessman who doesn’t party around and is a hard worker.”
Yoongi stared. “He isn’t? He seemed exactly like that to me.”
“But he’s just,” Taehyung ran his hand through his hair in frustration, “playing around, you know? “No,” Taehyung shook his head, “not playing around. More like when people piss him off or if something isn’t going to his liking, he carefully arranges the entire thing so he gets his due from people.” Taehyung flopped his head against the couch. “Do I even make sense?”
“Sure you do,” said Yoongi a little too carefully for Taehyung’s liking, “I trust your instincts. But Taehyungie, don’t a lot of people do that? Where they can? Take revenge in subtle ways against people when they feel wronged?”
“That’s not what I’m trying to say, hyung,” Taehyung banged his head against the couch. Yoongi patted his head compassionately. “Practically everyone just confronts, avoids or do silly things to make things even, whatever it is. People like Seokjin and Seo jo-“ Taehyung abruptly stopped as Yoongi raised an eyebrow. “Never mind about that, hyung. It’s just that he spins these little lies so perfectly so that you can tell he has been doing this his entire life.”
“Like a snake?” Yoongi suggested.
“What?” Taehyung looked up in bafflement, “Yes, I suppose a snake. But..” He hesitated.
“So not a snake?”
“No,” Taehyung shook his head, “I just don’t like Seokjin hyung being called that, I guess.”
“Hmm,” Yoongi sounded so introspective. “I’ve met a person like that once as well. They think they are so clever and the whole world agrees. And you feel like the messed up person for thinking that this person isn’t exactly this straight forward as everyone thinks. But you can’t say anything either because everyone has good feelings about them and if you say anything they will accuse you of being insecure or some other shitty thing.”
“Yes, hyung,” Taehyung breathed, “that’s exactly it.”
Yoongi nodded. “I thought about that person a lot you know. They didn’t even know that I existed but I was observing them. But then we both graduated from high school and never saw each other again.” Yoongi paused. “I thought of him as a psychopath.”
Taehyung thought of Seo Joon and his soft words and calm eyes. “Yes, so shielded that they almost seem empty inside.”
“But isn’t it also possible, Taehyung-ah,” Yoongi said so gently, “that when we say psychopath we are talking more about our inability to understand?”
“Maybe,” Yoongi continued, “their little games was the only way they could show their anger at the world?”
Taehyung thought of Seokjin, perfect smile and empty eyes.
“Maybe when the world talks to them maybe thats the only way they can talk back. Because they have forgotten that this is not the only way.”
———-
It was strange how often it was but it was once again through Jinyoung Taehyung came across Seokjin.
Since Taehyung’s nights were usually well-occupied with his work, Jinyoung had a habit of inviting Taehyung to lunch near his office. Like every other time, Jinyoung insisted that Taehyung come by his office rather than just meet at the restaurant as if to make a statement to the rest of the office of his social life where others had none.
It had come to the point where the secretaries easily recognised Taehyung. While they would once call Jinyoung to inform him of his visitor, they now waved him towards the elevators. But Jinyoung wasn’t in his cubicle. Taehyung asked the person whose cubicle was next to Jinyoung as to where he was but the person just shrugged and turned away before Taehyung even finished the question.
Taehyung sat down on Jinyoung’s office chair and considered spinning it around before realising with a flush just exactly where he was. It isn’t until twenty minutes had passed of Taehyung playing with paper clips, an awkward intern approached him, shyly stuttering that he had seen Jinyoung in the rooftop garden. It only took another second and a look at everyone hard at work around him to get up and go for the elevators. If he was interrupting anything for Jinyoung then he would just have to suck it up.
The outdoor garden was beautiful, constructed like a maze of sorts with vines and with flowers of every colour blooming everywhere. He wondered if he could convince Jinyoung to just spend his lunch hour here. The garden was practically deserted as it was. It was only at the extreme end that he found Jinyoung gesturing wildly at someone whose back was to Taehyung.
It took a second for him to realise it was Seokjin.
“Seokjin,” Jinyoung’s expression was filled with rage, “you really did set me up, didn’t you?”
Seokjin shifted on his feet and let out a sigh. “Jinyoung, please don’t over overreact. Just accept your faults and apologise.”
“Accept my faults?” Jinyoung snapped, “Wasn’t it you who said I should work on that project and improve my chances of a promotion?” Jinyoung’s voice cracked, “You were there when they said it. That I had no idea how to approach such a thing, having no training in it. Forget a promotion, they can fire me over this!”
“Jinyoung, you should have known that you weren’t qualified if you had talked to the people who done similar projects before,” Seokjin said, his calm tone setting off Jinyoung more so than anything else. “Shouldn’t you have looked into your own faults instead of blaming other people?”
Jinyoung stared. “Fuck you. I swear to God fuck you so much.”
“Aish,” Seokjin let out a sigh, “you really like blaming other people for your own actions don’t you? I only suggested that you do that project because you kept talking about wanting a promotion and a pay increase. You are the one who took up my suggestion which nobody said that you had to, didn’t do your research properly, made a whole mess, made our company look bad and now you are blaming me for it.”
“I wouldn’t have don’t it if you hadn’t told me about it,” Jinyoung shouted, “You knew, you fucking knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
“You are so selfish.” Disgust crept into Seokjin’s tone. “You didn’t think for a single second the burden everyone has to bear because of you and you just go around justifying yourself and blaming others.”
With that Seokjin turned around and walked away. As he rounded the corner, he saw Taehyung nearly hidden behind the camouflage of vines, and stopped sort.
Taehyung couldn’t say what his expression must have looked like but Seokjin took a sharp intake breath and almost looked at wildly at Taehyung.
“I…” he stuttered. “I…”
“Were you,” Taehyung asked without inflection, “angry at Jinyoung? Is that why you did it?”
Something like fear flickered across Seokjin’s eyes. “Taehyung, I didn’t … don’t-“
Before he could complete his thought, Taehyung took him into his arms. “Its okay, hyung. Its okay. I’m not mad. I’m still here.”
All this time he had been so busy looking at similarities between Seo Joon and Seokjin, he hadn’t even noticed that they were different in other ways. Seo Joon derived joy from playing off people, pitting one against the other. It had been intoxicating for him when the trap he had set found its gamble.
Seokjin didn’t do it out of joy. He did it to let his anger find its mark. Any person could say that it didn’t make Seokjin any better than Seo Joon. Taehyung couldn’t agree. Where Seo Joon actively acted towards the world, Seokjin reacted.
It wasn’t perfect. Nothing was. But Seokjin’s hand was warm, his eyes said everything.
Later, when they left the office they went to park, Seokjin unwilling to let go of Taehyung for even one minute.
“Are you sure, Taehyung?” Seokjin asked in between their kisses, “Are you sure? Do you know how it feels just to have you here.” Seokjin sounded so small. “I never you would never be here.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung pushed Seokjin’s hair away from his face and pinned it back with his hand, “I like your hair like this.”
“You can’t change me, Taehyungie,” Taehyung knew they weren’t talking about hair. “I’m like this. What you said that I could hurt you,” Seokjin sounded almost fragile, “I don’t ever want to do it but I don’t know what kind of person I am.”
“I don’t know what kind of person I am either, hyung.” Taehyung kissed Seokjin on the forehead. “We’ll figure it out together, hyung. We will figure it everything. I think we can as long as we talk to each other. I don’t want to hurt you either so I’ll do my best.” Taehyung kissed Seokjin on the cheek. “If we want to be together, hyung, then we can do it.”
Seokjin pulled Taehyung closer until he was practically half on his lap, his arm around Taehyung’s waist. “You can go. You can leave. I would never stop you,” he said in a voice which begged Taehyung to never do so.
Taehyung cupped Seokjin’s face. “I’ve been watching you for so long now, hyung. Ever since I saw you at nineteen. Won’t you kiss me now?”
And Seokjin did.