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A burning stabbing pain ran through his body. Numb he went down on his knees, his breath went heavy and unsteady. He coughed and spat blood, it hurt in his chest and he tries to support himself on his arm forward on the floor. His shoulder felt as if it had been pierced with thousand shards and his body felt heavy. He knew Apollo and Zeus had their fingers in this battle and in his fate.
And then there was also Euphorbus – The man who had given him the blast of grace with his spear.
He lifted his head slightly and looked at the tall figure of Hector, who came up to him and – a coward like he was – took off the armor he was wearing of his friend Achilles. He took off the breastplate and exposed the naked flesh from him. Defenseless, he left him lying in the dirt, in his own blood.
He took the last piece of the armor from him and the cool air streaked his maltreated body.
“Had twenty such men as you attacked me, all of them would have fallen before my spear. Fate and the son of Leto have overpowered me, and among mortal men Euphorbus; you are yourself third only in the killing of me”, he spat out between his teeth and narrowed his eyes dangerously, blood ran down the corner of his mouth before he said dangerously: “I say further, and lay my saying to your heart, you to shall live but for a little season; death and the day of your doom are close upon you, and they will lay you low by the hand of Achilles son of Aecus.”
He closed his eyes and coughed. His lungs burned in his chest on his last breath. He knew it was time for him to go to the underworld.
His last thought was Achilles.
Achilles, standing before him, reaches out his hand. Introducing himself to him in their childhood days. How he smiled at him with a smile of joy and his cheeks got dimples in the process.
He was happy to grow up at the side of a young boy like Achilles was.
He was glad it was him who was allowed to grow up with him, how they both grew up to be men and shared everything with each other.
Images of days gone by flickered before his eyes. Memories that were so beautiful and yet became so painful.
He remembered what it was like to see Achilles for the first time. What it was like to see the world in its full color for the first time.
He is half my soul, as the poets say.
He’d keep it with him forever. The green of Achilles’ narrow eyes. The gold of his long wavy hair. The sun-kissed color of his skin. The red of his cheeks when they had spent their first night together. The deep color that had taken on his arousal.
All of this he would remember forever, for he was now made of memories.
From beautiful memories that shone like pure gold in his heart and filled his spirig.
Achilles.
The darkness embraced him and came for him.
I’ll wait for you.
*
He sat in the tent and prepared everything for the return of Patroclus when he noticed a drastic change.
He stood up straight, his vision was blurred and everything turned, he blinked a few times confused until his vision began to clear again.
No…
Everything around him had turned back into a colorless bleak world.
Back into a world without Patroclus.
No!
He didn’t want to understand, he didn’t understand what had happened. It couldn’t possibly be true! Patroclus was fine. He must be fine! He had kept his promise they had made before. Or didn’t he?
No.
Patroclus would never break a promise. He knew. He just knew it. He knew him!
He’d come back to him. He had to come back to him.
And yet… The world around him was colorless. It was like the first years of his life until he met Patroclus
With him came the dazzling bright colors.
And with him the beauty of colors would go again.
His eyes filled with tears, he put his hands on his head and pressed them against his temples. Desperately he closed his eyes and let a horrible cry coming deep out of his lungs until he felt these painful inhaling shards of broken glass in them.
And for a short moment that pain would numb and stop the pain in his heart.
He opened his eyes again. Tears had blurred his vision, but he didn’t care; he ran out of his tent and looked for someone who would tell him he was just imagining all of this.
A messenger approached him as if he had read his thoughts. He seemed rushed, looked at him restlessly – He was afraid to talk, obviously didn’t know how.
“Speak”, he said sharply and the messenger nodded, then: “Menelaus sends me to you. Patroclus is…”
He didn’t hear the rest of the sentence right anymore. He had gotten his confirmation that he knew, he didn’t have to hear it any further.
He felt like his heart would stop beating.
He was half my soul.
He staggered backwards. Overwhelmed by the negative feelings that spread throughout him like spearheads drove through his body and slowly threatened to stun him. This deep sadness and despair in his heart, which made it so difficult that it could hardly beat. His soul had been torn In two, his conscience bit on him like a greedy dog of Ares’.
He knew he was to blame for his death. He hadn’t been able to protect him, had been too proud to take part in the war and Patroclus wanted nothing more to end this war and go home with him.
What to do now?
Patroclus was dead. His world was colorless and his home was no longer with him.
I’m so sorry Patroclus. I couldn’t protect you and now look where it got us.
Oh gods. Patroclus!
He was blindly reaching out to his waist. He couldn’t think clearly in his blind frenzy. He wanted to reach for his sword, he wanted to have his weapon and take his own life.
The life that seemed not worth living anymore.
He was all he had. He was his half of the soul. He was his friend. He was his humanity!
Another desperate cry.
Hot tears ran down his cheeks and darkened the sand under his feet.
My son. I know you’re grieving and that you’re hurt, but you can’t give up. Your destiny has not intended it for you.
It was his mother’s voice, he could hear it clearly, but he couldn’t see it.
My son, go and get Patroclus back. Take his body – Trojans and Greeks fight over it. He needs you. Save him this time.
He sobbed and nodded.
“But I have no armor, what if the Trojans take advantage of the situation?”
Don’t worry my child.
He believed her.
He tightened his shoulders and walked his way to the walls of the city with his head held high.
Surrounded by the protection of the goddess Athena.
Nobody would be able to hurt him.
The blood was boiling in his veins, it was burning terribly under his skin and his heart was racing as wild as it had never been before.
His eyes were turning green. His grief and despair had changed and with every step he took towards Troy his rage and hatred against the man he thought was behind the loss of his beloved friend grew.
Hector.
He reached the walls of the city and the Trojans did the smartest thing they could’ve done since Patroclus’ death. They escaped. They ran back behind the walls of the city like the cowards they were and all because he carried his rage outside like Ares who was on the battlefield and slaughtered the warriors.
He came closer and closer to the small group of Greeks who defended the lifeless naked body of his friend.
And at that moment, he didn’t care about anything. He fell on his knees next to Patroclus, pulled the lifeless body onto his lap and embraced it tightly. He wept bitterly, screamed desperately in guilt and held on to his friend as if he were still the living anchor he was always for him.
“I am so sorry Patroclus”, he whimpered with deep guilt and kissed his friends cheeks: “This is my entire fault. I will avenge you, don’t worry, your honor will be defended. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you!”
No one around him dared speak to him or touch him. They gave him time, time he would need even if he didn’t have it.
Finally it got darker and darker around them, the sun had set and the Trojans had retreated. The Greeks could now go back to their camp.
I’ll be with you soon, Patroclus, then we’ll be runited!
*
Days… Weeks passed by. He had lost all sense of time. The world around him was still dull and colorless and would become cooler and darker every day.
Patroclus lay washed on the bed, a sheet lay over his body.
He knew it was wrong to keep him here, but he couldn’t let him go, the guilt he carried was too big. He couldn’t and wouldn’t let him go.
He sat next to the bed, his legs pulled close to his body and his face buried in his elbows which were resting on his knees.
He didn’t want to see anyone, not even his own mother, who had tried to appease him, he had sent everyone away.
He wouldn’t let anyone get to him, let alone to Patroclus. He wanted to be alone, alone with himself, his feelings, his guilt and his despair that grew with every second.
His body felt like he was eating himself from the inside out and taking all the air he could breathe.
Achilles.
His head shot up and he looked around. It was the warm voice of Patroclus, he would recognize it even in death.
“Patroclus?”
Achilles. You have to bury me, I’m asking you as your beloved friend. Bury me and end the pointless war. Deliver me from my pain of being trapped in this world.
“Patroclus… I…”, he broke off and stood up slowly, looked behind him and there he stood. Patroclus stood next to the bed on which his dead body was lying.
“I’ll bury you. I’m sorry, I couldn’t let you go. I can’t let you go.”
He could see how Patroclus’ facial features became soft and he looked at him compassionately.
I know Achilles, I know. I’m asking you to do this. I know you can. We’ll see each other again. I’ll wait for you in the underworld.
He was close to tears, his body threatened to collapse trembling. Patroclus’ sight of his pure radiant soul, he had caused him to have the colors back in his life for a brief moment. So for a last moment he could absorb all the colors of Patroclus, that warm brown of his eyes, which reminded of liquid copper. The dark brown of his curly hair which in the sun had a slightly red tinge and the healthy color of his skin with the fine freckles spread over it.
“Patroclus, give me a moment”, he said and Patroclus nodded.
Do you remember our first kiss, my friend?
“Of course, how could I forget?”
I will keep this memory with me forever, together with you until we can see each other again and experience this moment anew.
He weakened and gave in to his tears. It hurt to hear him talking like that; it hurt to hear the truth but soon… Yes, soon already, they will be reunited again. Forever.
Achilles. I’ve always loved you.
“I know Patroclus. I love you too.”
You’re half of my soul.
“And so are you.”
I’ll wait for you.
“I’ll follow you.”
Patroclus’ spirit had disappeared and so had the bright colors around him. He allowed himself to break down. It hurt so much, his loss was like a burning hole in his chest and he couldn’t take this pain. He wished for to go with him.
But he’d have to wait.
Fate had another task for him and he would pursue it.
For Patroclus.
For my other half of my soul with which the colors fade away.