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Sometimes Tsukishima hated being so perceptive. There were a lot of things and people he would rather ignore, but he just couldn't. Like how one of the new first years kept eyeing Yachi in the wrong way or how Kageyama kept bringing his hand to his hip before he quickly took it away. Or how he kept on turning away when they were changing to hide his right hip.
Hinata, the idiot, didn't notice anything. Kageyama still acted like he normally would, except for these small things. Ennoshita was too occupied with the first years and making sure Tanaka and Nishinoya weren't going to end up on the streets after graduation. So it left Tsukishima to decide what to do about a situation like this.
He hesitated. Of course, he did. He wasn't close with Kageyama enough to meddle with his business. Especially he had some type of injury - Kageyama was stubborn enough to still play even if his injury was serious. And he would only get angry and still play out of defiance.
But as a week and two went by, and Kageyama kept touching his hip more and more, Tsukishima eventually made up his mind. They needed their freak setter to win this year, too. So he decided to meddle.
He choose to confront him after practice. Ennoshita put them on cleaning and closing up duty after a particularly nasty fight they had right at the beginning of the year, so that was the perfect time to do it.
They closed up the gym before they went to the clubroom to change. They didn't speak. Kageyama walked in front and immediately went to the corner to change, he didn't even wait for the door to be closed. Tsukishima sighed. He really didn't want to do this, but somebody had to.
"King," he called out and leaned against the door so Kageyama couldn't flee if he wanted.
"Don't call me that." That was almost a script at this point. A well-rehearsed scrip for a year now. Tsukishima would have smirked if it wasn't for the situation.
"What happened to your hip?" he asked, cutting to the important part immediately. He wasn't one to sugar-coat things, and he wasn't about to start it now. He saw how Kageyama froze for a moment when he heard the question, but he didn't turn around.
"Nothing." Tsukishima saw this answer coming. But he still snorted.
"Yeah, sure. That's why you're constantly touching and hiding it." he said before he pushed himself away from the door and stepped forward. Kageyama was still wearing his volleyball shorts, so he could easily take a peek at the injury.
"I said it's nothing, leave it!" Kageyama snarled as he pulled his shirt over his head. He gave Tsukishima a nasty glare over his shoulder.
"I wanna know if it's something that could come between us and the victory. We don't want you to end up like Oikawa when his knee gave out," he said as he grabbed Kageyama's shoulder and turned him around. Kageyama hit his hand away.
"Let go, asshole! It's nothing!" he shouted. His face went red, probably from anger, Tsukishima thought. His hand trembled as he pushed the middle blocker back when he grabbed him.
"Then it's okay if a lowly servant like I take a look at it," he said and grabbed his shorts.
"You ass! Let me go!" Kageyama shouted and grabbed his wrists, but Tsukishima was just a tad bit faster. He yanked his shorts down. They have seen each other changing before, he didn't think much of it. Not even when the shorts got caught in his boxers and pulled it down a little bit more.
Tsukishima was shook. He even let Kageyama bat away his hands and pull his clothes back into their place. The setter turned his back to him, but Tsukishima didn't move.
He expected a purple patch of skin. Maybe a bump or a cooling patch. He never though he would see small, thin cuts, some of them fresh, some of them already fully developed a scar tissue.
Tsukishima stood up and grabbed Kageyama's shoulder once again.
"What the hell, King? You're cutting yourself?" he couldn't even hide his shock. Kageyama brushed his hand away.
"It's nothing. Let go, you ass," he said, clutching his pants in his hand. He didn't dare to change while Tsukishima was this close to him.
"It's not nothing. Kageyama!" The name felt almost strange in his lips. He never used it much, it was always King. The name put a good distance between them, even if they were standing as close as now. But in this moment, he couldn't say the name. It didn't even come to his mind. It was Kageyama. It was Tobio. But it wasn't King. Tsukishima looked into those blue eyes, not caring about how Kageyama pulled his clothes in between them as a shield. "Have you told your parents?"
"Of course not, they would only overreact," Kageyama said and put his hand on Tsukishima's shoulder to push him back. Tsukishima's mouth fell open. This was a remainder of the stubbornness he hated so much in Kageyama.
"Overreact? You're harming yourself!" he said and pushed down the urge to facepalm when Kageyama just shrugged.
"A cat's scratch would make a bigger wound," he said. Tsukishima turned his gaze away. He could pinpoint the fault in that logic in five ways that was saltier than the Dead Sea, but even he wasn't as big of an asshole to say it.
"The problem is that you would do this. That you go to the point you would cut yourself!" he said. "Why don't you tell your parents? Or Hinata, he's your best friend? Or even Suga-san, they would jump to help at your first word!" He could barely finish his sentence before Kageyama cut in.
"You don't get it!" he shouted and threw his pants at Tsukishima like he would chuck a volleyball at Hinata's head when he wasn't focusing. "So quit telling what to do! You don't know shit!" there were tears in his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away before he stormed into the showers to change his pants there.
Tsukishima took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. This was more than he bargained for. But now he just couldn't pretend he didn't know anything, because what if...? He put his glasses onto a stool and took off his shirt. He threw the material onto his bag before he took on his uniform. He decided to shower at home.
He was pulling on his shoes when Kageyama reentered the room. He avoided Tsukishima's gaze, but Tsukishima kept his gaze on him. He took a deep breath.
"Look, sorry, it's not my business," he said and even if the words hurt him more than anything, he didn't shift his eyes from Kageyama's back. His apology surprised Kageyama enough to turn towards him. Neither of them thought Tsukishima would ever utter these words. When their eyes met, Tsukishima carried on, "But seriously. Does anyone know about it? Is anyone you can talk to?" His voice was so soft it could be barely heard even in the quiet room.
Kageyama took a deep breath, before he looked at his bag and pushed his pants into it.
"Oikawa-san," Tsukishima could hear the rest, too, even without Kageyama saying it out loud. "but he's in Tokyo."
"Okay. I won't push for more. But seriously, you know, that everyone we know would run to help, if you said anything. And even if we're not besties, I'm also here," he said and stood up. Kageyama didn't say anything for a moment, didn't look after him as Tsukishima walked to the door.
He only spoke up when Tsukishima was about to close it after himself.
"Tsukishima."
"Hm?"
"Could you stop calling me King?"
Tsukishima looked at his back, and even though he knew Kageyama couldn't see him, nodded his head.
"I'll do my best."
The door shut with a click after him.
Kageyama sat down onto the ground and pulled his knees to his chest. For a moment, he just focused on breathing, then when he felt calm enough, he reached into his bag and pulled out his phone. He knew the number by heart, but he only needed to press the speed dial.
The call was accepted on the fifth ring.
"Tobio-chan? Are you done with practice?"
Tobio swallowed back a sob as he spoke.
"Oikawa-san, Tsukishima found the scars," he murmured softly and desperately tried to will his tears to stop.
He pulled his knees even tighter to his chest and took the material of his pants into his free hand. For a moment, Oikawa was completely silent of the other end.
"And what did you say?"
"I asked him to stop calling me King," Kageyama thought he sounded childish as he said this, but for him this was a serious issue. He may say that every single day, but nobody realised he really, truly meant it and that it hurt him as much as it did.
"Did you tell him why? How did he react?"
"I didn't, I just asked him to stop. He said he'll try his best," Kageyama said.
"Alright," Kageyama could almost see how Oikawa smiled in that moment. "You did well today, Tobio-chan. I'm proud of you."
***********
Kageyama should have known better. There was no training camp that could go down without him and Hinata jumping at each other's throat. And even if he knew that they managed to make up every time they fought, he still couldn't shake off the feeling that one of these days he would loose his best friend because of one of these fights. And if Hinata leaves him, he would take Yachi with him, and he would ultimately end up alone once again. The senpais are too busy to care for him, the first years are scared of him, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi don't care about him. And one day they will also stop receiving his tosses and start calling him King again, even if he tried so hard not to act like that anymore.
He hid deeper in the corner he found at the very end of the dusty corridor. This was the only pace, nobody would look for or find. He opened his hygiene-kit and pulled out a razor. He wiped his tears into his arm so his vision wouldn't be blurry as he took the razor apart with practiced movement. But his eyes kept on watering again and again, and he almost let out an annoyed sob when he remembered where he was. He put his hand in front of his mouth so muffle his sobs, until he could be quiet again.
He took a deep breath, before he took his hand away and pushed the waistband of his pants down. His chest hurt, his head was buzzing. He felt like he was about to have a heart attack and faint. He put the blade against his already marked skin and pushed it a little before he dragged along. The sharp sting came like a fresh breeze in the summer heat, bringing along relief. He couldn't help but sigh. One cut followed the other until he felt he would live. Every cut eased the pain in his chest and made his head clearer. He let the blade fall onto the ground when the pain was down to its usually level.
Kageyama closed his eyes, and just relaxed against the wall. He only concentrated the steadily growing pain on his hip as the blood kept flowing and his nerves slowly came to react. He didn't even hear the steps as someone came close.
"So here you are," Tsukishima's voice made him jump and he instantly reached to his hip to cover up the scars. Tsukishima's face didn't show any emotion as he looked down at him, and Kageyama was grateful for that. He wasn't ready to see the disappointment he expected to see. Kageyama opened his mouth to cover up why he was there, even though he knew, Tsukishima saw what he had done. So he shut up when Kei raised his hand and sat down next to him.
"I knew you would break down when you and Hinata started arguing," he asked and put his back against the wall. He didn't look at Kageyama, he kept his gaze on the other wall.
Kageyama took away his hand and turned his eyes onto his fingers. They were clean, no matter what he did merely minutes away.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. Tsukishima shrugged.
"You don't need to apologise to me, you didn't hurt me," he said. "Sure, I don't want to see you like this, but at this point I'm happy you haven't done anything more drastic," he sighed and turned his head to look at the setter. Kageyama's eyes were red and shiny with tears. The tears' path was still clear on his face, his lower lip bloody as he kept on biting it. His nose was red from wiping it with the sleeve of his hoodie. His impossibly blue eyes were trained on his long fingers he kept on playing with.
"I'm sorry," Kageyama whispered again. He pulled on his fingertips, so he would have something to do, but then Tsukishima reached over and took his hand into his. Kageyama's hand was much slimmer than Tsukishima's, and his fingers were almost delicate to touch. His skin was like marble. And it was almost just as cold. Tsukishima covered his hand so Kageyama wouldn't be able to do that anymore.
"Stop it. You'll ruin your joints if you keep that up," he chided and though he could feel Kageyama's eyes on him, he turned back towards the wall.
"I'm sorry," Kageyama said again. Tsukishima closed his eyes and took a deep breath to keep his cool. He already told him not to apologise. He knew it was not the moment for a remark, but years of salt was hard of get rid of.
"How are you feeling now?" he asked to change the subject. He rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand, subconsciously trying to warm his hand up.
"Tired. My head feels heavy," Kageyama answered and leaned his head slightly to the side. Tsukishima looked at him from the corner of his eyes before he scouted closer until he was close enough for Kageyama to lean his head onto his shoulder. The setter was surprised by the movement, but then accepted the comfort. He curled into Tsukishima's side and closed his eyes.
"Noya-san said Asahi-san, Suga-san and Daichi-san are coming to visit tomorrow," Tsukishima said and leaned his head onto Kageyama's. He also adjusted his hold On Kageyama's hand so the younger could intertwine their fingers and hold onto him. He could feel Kageyama's heartbeat by his shoulder and the way his chest rose with every breath. He could only hope that his presence calmed Kageyama just as much as he calmed him.
Ever since he discovered his scars a few months ago, Tsukishima couldn't help but be anxious about not having Kageyama at his side. He was always watching him from the corner of his eye, and slowly he also developed a habit of touching the setter whenever he could. And Kageyama let him. After a while, he started talking to him and even initiating the touches.
Tsukishima didn't know whether or not the others have picked up on this, but he didn't care. As long as they left them alone and didn't give Kageyama shit about it, he was fine.
"Yeah? What about it?" Kageyama didn't lift his head up or open his eyes. Tsukishima hesitated for a moment before he turned his head to the side and pressed his nose into Kageyama's hair. He was tempted to kiss the dark locks, but didn't. He just kept his lips against them as he spoke.
"I thought that maybe we should talk to Suga-san about this."
Kageyama froze. Tsukishima knew this was a sensitive topic, but he needed to bring it up. Kageyama pulled his head away and looked up into Tsukishima's eyes. They were almost nose-to-nose in the dark corner. They could hear the others fooling around down to corridor but they weren't scared about being found.
"Why?" was the only thing Kageyama said. His eyes didn't betray any thought he had. So Tsukishima said what he wanted.
"Because Oikawa is in Tokyo and only comes home every second or third week. And I think it would be better if we talked to someone more mature than us about this issue," he said and glanced at Kageyama's hip for a fleeting moment. The scars were still exposed, but the bleeding was stopping. Kageyama followed his line of sight before he sighed and turned away. He let go of Tsukishima's hand.
Tsukishima felt his heart stop for a second, before Kageyama said:
"Could you get my phone?" he asked and took a hold of the fabric of his pants. Tsukishima let out a relieved breath and nodded.
"Yeah, and I'll bring a first aid kit, too. So while you call Oikawa-san, I'll clean your wounds," he said and pulled away. Kageyama gave him a soft smile. It was sincere and not forced in the least. It was beautiful.
"Thank you."
He sat on the floor until Tsukishima came back with his phone. While the blond opened up the first aid kit, Kageyama went into his contacts and opened Oikawa's. He glanced at the last messages.
'Do you want to confess to him?'
'I want to do it in the camp. I'm just kind of scared to do it.'
'Whatever you do, I've got your back. I'm proud of you, Tobio-chan.'
Kageyama glanced at Tsukishima one last time before he started the call. He will do it. Tomorrow, he will do it.