Chapter Text
Gon was tired.
It's been four years since he came back to Whale Island. He's been busy, writing, reading, calculating, helping Mito around the house. He wakes up, does whatever schoolwork he can manage, helps Mito, exercises, does his Nen exercises, and waits. Life is peaceful, and happy, and quiet.
Gon should not be tired.
That's the thought that comes up when he lies in bed tonight, looking out the window and at the stars. It doesn't occur to him to think of how far away they seem. He sits up, annoyed and frustrated. Why is he tired? He's a teenager, he eats good, and he's never done less in his life. He's too busy trying to finish school, so he never really goes out anymore unless Mito has an errand for him. He doesn't go to the forest to run around and he doesn't go to the village much, either.
The first day of the Hunter exam, Gon hadn't slept at all helping in the ship, trying to help the sick and miserable passengers along with the few others who weren't sea sick.
Once, he had gone three days without sleeping well because rocks hit him on the head when he went out. Biscuit hadn't let up, even on the third day when Killua worried when he passed out once, but even then Gon had still been able to run and punch and fight, he was pretty sure he remembered them getting two monster cards that day.
There was one time he hadn't slept well for about five days, and though Gon didn't like to think about those times, he knew he had always been awake enough to notice enemies and threats. He'd noticed Meleoron then, after all.
So what's with being tired NOW?
It didn't make any sense, and lately it was making him mad. Anger pushed him off his bed. He wasn't tired. That was silly. He was gonna do something right now.
He made his way over to the computer, sat down, and lost himself in it. He'd been spending a lot of time online for the last year or so. Mito had noticed, and thought it was odd, but when she asked why he didn't go into the forest or the town anymore, he had just told her that he was playing a lot of games Killua had reccomended.
It was somewhat true, but he was mostly lying. It was a little sad to think about, but Gon never really felt at home outside anymore.
Once, Gon had told Killua about how he entertained women who came to the island. He hadn't thought anything of it, and when mentioned it, it had been fun to see Killua freak out. But now, thinking of those days made Gon feel...queasy.
Most of the women had taught him fun things, like sayings or words in other languages, or how to knit patches into holes in clothes or things like that. But there had been more than a few who wanted to play games, who taught him about kissing and holding hands and...
It was weird. It hadn't bothered him then, in fact, Gon had found it fun and interesting to learn all kinds of new things. So why did he feel a little sick when he thought about it now? Why did the idea of the townspeople asking him to entertain a guest or two make him feel so scared?
It was easier to stay away.
And weird as it was to say, the town was the least of his problems. Gon still felt bad for refusing to go get something or another for Mito in the forest so often, but it hadn't taken him long to realize that the forest didn't belong to him anymore once he got back.
The forest was a place of ghosts. Whenever he went near it, the thoughts came into his head like they were waiting there, staging an ambush he couldn't evade:
Killua jumping through trees, ahead, behind, hopping over his back and laughing as he complained,
Killua looking up at the stars, talking about how he was admirable, talking about how he didn't know what he wanted
Killua saying that Gon had been his first friend, too
Killua, sitting in front of him holding his fishing rod, Gon's hands on his shoulders, showing him how to hold it just right, both of them keeping still and waiting in the silence and the sunlight...
And it could be nice, thinking about that, it would almost be worth the pang of loneliness and hurt, but
Then there was Kite. Kite punching him, Kite telling him about his dad, Kite as a young red haired girl, forgiving him.
Those ghosts were something else entirely when they were together, though. In that forest, Kite and Killua were one, and they were every memory he put everything into trying not to remember.
It was better now, he was glad Kite was okay, but it was like a wound that hadn't quite settled, hadn't healed well, and Gon wasn't sure it ever would.
The worst thing was, it wasn't even Kite that made Gon feel sorry. It wasn't Pitou's words that truly haunted him (and oh, how Pitou haunted him).
It was his own.
“Since it doesn't concern you”
Killua had forgiven him. The moment he had seen him, Gon had been crying and hugging and apologizing, apologizing so much, talking so fast like it was going to tear his mouth open if he didn't let it out, and Killua had forgiven him.
But, even so, too much had happened. Gon lost his Nen, and there was Ging to see. And Killua had Alluka. Gon thought about going with them, after he finished... but it wasn't lost on him that Killua also had Alluka to protect, and he would be just another burden.
So, they said bye, that had been that. They still talked, of course, and Gon had gotten to know Alluka a bit through their online chats too, but things were different. He was stuck here, and even though Killua said they were doing fine, he had gotten Killua to tell him at least some about Illumi and his attempts to get control of Alluka.
It made Gon a little sick, to be honest. Killua had traveled the world with him, protected him at every turn, and now the best thing Gon could do for Killua was to stay out of the way.
He wanted his Nen back. But somehow, he had a feeling it wouldn't matter.
Wing had been the one to suggest he keep practicing his Ten. Biscuit had been too mad to help, once she understood what he'd done. She'd told him to suck it up and work on his studies. Wing had been furious, too, but something in Gon's voice had made him decide to at least give Gon a place to start.
Gon sighed, clicking on his messenger program to see Killua was offline. He waited for messages from Killua a lot, these days.
He still felt like going to sleep.