Chapter Text
It all started with letters. And before that, it all started with a smile that seemed to brighten up the night, even more than the moon did.
In all his life, Lan Wangji couldn’t remember anything that changed him more than that one smile did. That one moment, however short it was, seemed to fill the void within him, the void that he didn't even know existed before then.
Sure, at first he was confused. He was confused and conflicted and sometimes that made him annoyed or worse - angry. This anger that he felt was not directed at others, not directed at the boy with the bright smile, even if many seemed to think so. That anger was directed at himself, at his heart that beat incessantly whenever his eyes fell on the unruly boy. At his thoughts that raced to places unknown whenever he secretly stared at the boy for even a second more. At his feelings that seemed to spiral out of control, more and more , whenever his eyes met the silver orbs of the other, causing the boy to give him another one of his bright smiles, eyes glimmering in happiness, eager to share that joy with those around him.
Lan Wangji was affected by it greatly, he could feel his ears burning, his heart thundering, and his whole existence filling up with happiness. All of it was overwhelming, it was too much for the moment and Lan Wangji turned away. When he looked back after a moment of peace, the silver eyes were no longer looking his way, the cheerful boy was now chatting with his friends. A bright laughter filled the room and Lan Wangji was suddenly filled with anger again.
Why did he do that? If only he was better at expressing himself, if only he didn't turn away, maybe then that laughter and that smile would still be directed at him.
Lan Wangji stood up abruptly and left the room without turning back. He couldn't spend even a second longer in the same room as the boy, not if the boy was not looking his way, not if he had to feel these unreasonable, confusing emotions, not if the jealousy and anger he felt kept clouding his mind.
If he stayed there any longer, he knew more mistakes would follow, and he couldn't risk making the boy misunderstand him even more, to make the boy think that they were not close. Because they were. No matter what was said in the library, many days ago, Lan Wangji did believe that they were close. And he couldn't help secretly wanting to be even closer. To hold him close, to touch him to...
Lan Wangji stopped suddenly, horrified. What was he even thinking? That was wrong, that was against the rules, he should not defile the pure friendship they had with such thoughts.
The sudden halt of his footsteps and thoughts allowed him to hear pieces of conversation among those left behind. "He definitely hates you" he heard them say. "The way he left after you laughed. He looked so angry I almost pissed my pants" someone else agreed.
Wei Ying just laughed, danying. "We're definitely close" he said, "even if he denies it, it's still true" the boy insisted.
Except... Except Lan Wangji could hear the uncertainty in that laugh, could hear the wistfulness in that voice. Lan Wangji knew then, that leaving like that was a mistake in itself. He knew that he failed yet again. He knew that he should go back and reassure that sparkle of light, should turn that wistful tone into a confident one, but... But he was not brave enough, he did not trust himself to say what was needed without making it worse.
And then the anger flared up again, consuming all of him, blanketing his mind and heart, making him think that maybe it would be better if those feelings just stopped. But no, that thought didn't go far before getting squashed. It would not be any better. Instead of running away he should face them head on, accept what he felt and maybe one day reveal what lies in his heart to the boy that has held him captive since the moment they met. Now, however, he was going to the cold springs, to calm his feelings, clear his mind and banish the images of the soft lips and bright eyes from his mind.
That was when the letters happened. Well, happened is the wrong word, letters don't simply appear out of nowhere, they have to be written by someone. And who better to write them than a boy with repressed feelings, with conflicted emotions and inability to express what he wanted with words.
At first it was hard. Lan Wangji would write ' Wei Ying ,' at the top and sit there thinking, gathering courage to write something, anything would be good. After a while he would sigh and give up, storing the mostly empty sheet of paper in a small box, tucked away among the books in his room. It took Lan Wangji a couple of days to try again, with no better results. More and more days passed, filling the box with letters that had nothing but Wei Ying's name and the date on them. Lan Wangji considered throwing them away, burning those failures to ashes, but in the end he couldn't do it. Even if the paper looked blank, it was still filled with his emotions and thoughts, the ones he so wanted to write down but in the end was unable to. Maybe it was his inability to accept these feelings for what they were that was preventing him from writing, Lan Wangji thought. Maybe the fear of rejection is what fueled his denial in the first place.
It took a while, but eventually Lan Wangji could write more than the name. ' Wei Ying ,' he wrote.
' Not even a full day has passed since you left and I already miss you. I keep turning around, looking for that smile that's no longer here. In the quiet moments I long for that laughter that used to ring in the Cloud Recesses, and when I close my eyes I can almost hear you calling my name. But then. I open my eyes and am forced into reality. You are not here anymore and I can only hope that we can see each other soon. '
Lan Wangji stopped and stared at the words covering the paper. He read over the words again and again , feeling his ears burn more each time. He couldn't believe that he just wrote that. How presumptuous of him to think that Wei Ying would want to see him again. How stupid of him to write these letters when the recipient has probably already forgotten him, too absorbed in the pursuit of those beautiful maidens of Yunmeng that he had talked about before.
Days passed, weeks blended into one another, and the box was filled with so many unsent letters that Lan Wangji had to physically push it closed and tie it off with a ribbon, just to make sure it stayed closed. The box was still hidden between books, blending in perfectly.
Lan Wangji had considered, at one point, to keep the box in his secret hiding space below some loose floorboards, but in the end he decided against it. There was already another box in that hiding place, one filled with things he received from Wei Ying. The portrait, the scribbly notes and messages, some doodles. He kept all of them, hidden from others eyes, his own little treasure that never failed to fill him with warmth.
The very idea of keeping the letter box in the same place as the things received from Wei Ying made him apprehensive. How could he dare to do something like that, defile precious memories of Wei Ying with the presence of those letters that revealed feelings and thoughts Lan Wangji might never get the courage to express. How could he dare to keep those boxes together, when he didn’t dare to hope, didn't dare to try confessing to Wei Ying. It felt right to keep the boxes separate, just like Wei Ying and himself were so far apart.
Many of the letters now filling the box had more than a couple sentences in them. Some were even fully finished, but nevertheless left unsent. No matter how much was written, however, all of them had one thing in common. All of them contained Lan Wangji's feelings for Wei Ying, expressed in different ways, but telling the same story. The story of a lonely jade who fell in love with a smile as bright as the sun. Right, love. It took him a while, but finally Lan Wangji could admit that what he felt was love. An overwhelming, beautiful, passionate love. Probably one sided too.
On some nights Lan Wangji couldn't sleep, his thoughts were filled with memories of Wei Ying. On one night in particular he remembered Wei Ying talking about 'beautiful maidens'. He remembered as well how Wei Ying called him beautiful too.
For a moment Lan Wangji allowed himself to get filled with hope and get lost in his fantasies. Fantasies of Wei Ying returning his feelings, of them holding hands and playing music together. Of soft touches and kisses shared between them, away from prying eyes.
His fantasies never lasted long, as the more logical part of his brain interjected.
'That would never happen' it said, 'Wei Ying likes girls' , it added.
Lan Wangji had to admit that it was true. Wei Ying called him beautiful, but that does not make him a cut-sleeve. If anything, he might be disgusted if he knew of Lan Wangji's feelings. He wouldn't show it, as Wei Ying is kind, but Lan Wangji knew best that you don't have to express your feelings for them to exist. Lan Wangji couldn't risk his friendship, however ambiguous it was, so he was not going to say anything. He was not going to send the letters. At least not until he could be sure that Wei Ying would not push him away. But even considering that it could happen seemed ridiculous.
Time went on as Lan Wangji continued to struggle with his emotions, continued to write the letters that he was never going to send. Writing the letters now calmed him down, provided him with an illusion of doing something with his feelings. Even if, in the end, nothing was going to change if he kept the letters hidden away in a box.
Nowadays, Lan Wangji also filled his days with archery and swordsmanship practice. The discussion conference in Qishan drew close, and he would strive to be perfect. Having a clear goal helped him focus his mind and forget about the exhausting feelings, even if only temporarily.
It was on a day just like that, where Lan Wangji spent his day training, that something happened. He returned to the Jingshi in the evening, exhaustion seeping into his bones, and noticed that the box was not in its usual place. He thought nothing of it, quickly getting ready to sleep. He probably just misplaced it, but he was too tired now to return it to the usual spot.
A couple more days passed, filled with training from morning to night, all for the purpose of exhausting Lan Wangji enough to keep his thoughts clear of a mischievous boy with happiness in his eyes and sunshine in his smile. Despite the exhaustion, those few days were enough for Lan Wangji to notice something unusual. Something that could be very very bad. The box was still missing, he couldn't remember seeing it anywhere within the Jingshi.
The thought of someone getting their hands on those letters, of learning about his feelings made cold sweat run down Lan Wangji's back. Ignoring the rule against running, he rushed back to the Jingshi, to make sure the box was still there. It had to be.
A couple hours later and Jingshi was a mess. Lan Wangji frantically searched for the box in every corner possible, not caring about the mess he was making, but the box was nowhere to be found. Lan Wangji did not want to admit it, but it seemed that was the only possibility. Someone took the box, and he would do anything to get it back. With a now calmer mind Lan Wangji thought about everything that happened in the past few days, and an answer came easily enough. There was only one person who could have done it, and Lan Wangji was not afraid to confront them.
Lan Wangji sped through Cloud Recesses, ignoring the disbelieving stares he was getting, until he finally saw the person had been looking for.
"Brother," Lan Wangji called out, by now annoyance and anger clear in his voice.
"Wangji" Lan Xichen answered, the usual gentle smile gracing his face.
Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes, assessing his brother. Would he even try to deny it, he wondered.
Lan Wangji did not even consider the place he found his brother at, too concentrated on the thought of getting his letters back. He only noticed that he was at the entrance of the Cloud Recesses when he heard a loud and clear voice calling him.
"LAN ZHAN!!" It called, and Lan Wangji turned around to search for the owner of that familiar voice.
He did not even have the time to consider that maybe it was only an illusion, just a wishful dream, when he saw his Wei Ying running up the last couple of steps, a very familiar box clutched in his hands, held pressed against his chest.
Realisation dawned on Lan Wangji, and he turned to his brother with his best betrayed and disapproving stare. Lan Xichen was no longer there however, having left as soon as Lan Wangji's attention was directed elsewhere.
"Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying called again, this time sounding a lot closer.
Lan Wangji had just enough time to face him again, before Wei Ying crashed into him full force, burying his face into Lan Wangji's chest.
"Lan Zhan" he called again after a moment, still breathing heavily due to exertion. He lifted his head to look Lan Wangji in the eyes and grace him with his best smile yet. "Lan Zhan, I have so so much I have to tell you." Wei Ying breathed out in a rush.
Lan Wangji didn't have the time to process the implications of it all when he heard a thud of something hitting the ground and a yelp from Wei Ying. He looked down, horrified, when he saw an opened box on the ground, countless letters spread around them.
"Sorry Lan Zhan, " Wei Ying said sheepishly, "it seems I got too excited and forgot to keep holding the box" he scratched his cheek, sounding apologetic. "I'll pick them up, and then we can talk, okay?" He looked hopefully at Lan Wangji who could only nod helplessly, still overwhelmed, still embarrassed, and still too out of it.
A sudden gust of wind passed through, scattering the letters all around, some even flying down the stairs. The wind seemed to also clear most thoughts out of Lan Wangji's head, as he stared wide eyed at Wei Ying, who was scrambling in a panic to collect the letters scattered by the wind.
It all started with the letters, Lan Wangji thought, and it seemed it'll all end with the letters as well.
Was it worth it, he also thought, to just run away and seclude himself forever, just so he doesn't have to face anyone who read a stray letter blown over by the wind.