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“ Stop scratching. You’re going to get a scar.”
Grace cocked her head and looked at Dani. She gestured to the rest of her body a patchwork or lines and dots, indicating where she’d been cut open and then closed up again, like some sort of Frankenstein’s monster.
“I think it’s a bit late for that.”
“ In Spanish, Gracie.”
Grace scrunched up her face and thought for a moment. “ That time has said goodbye.”
Dani smiled at the sound of the broken Spanish. “How many years have I known you and your Spanish has never gotten any better?”
Grace shrugged, and looked back at her briefing, absentmindedly running her nails across the fresh numbers tattooed into her abdomen. “I’m no good with languages, you know that. Anyway, you also know that i can understand way more than I speak.”
Dani studied Grace for a second. This was a scene she’d been in countless times before. Grace, leaving her room after dark, and coming into Dani’s, sometimes sitting in a chair and reading, or talking, or watching salvaged vids. Always for hours, sometimes all night. But as the date approached when Grace would be starting her mission, the stays became longer and longer until Dani had just packed a bag of Grace’s things, and put them into her room.
Grace looked up from her briefing, and noticed Dani’s stare. “What?”
Dani walked over, and took Grace’s hand in her’s, holding it gently. “If not a scar, then you might smudge it, and that’s not good either.”
Grace smiled, in spite of herself. “I can remember a number, Commander. If you remember correctly, I told you I didn’t need it in the first place.”
Dani felt her expression becoming hard, and she took a breath to soften her voice before she spoke. “Grace, this is your last resort. If things don’t go the way they’re supposed to. If something goes wrong. If all else fails, you go there.”
Grace’s smile became even cheekier, and she wrapped her hand around Dani’s. “C’mon, Commander , I’ve been chosen for this super secret, super important mission, and I won’t-”
“Grace, this is serious.”
Her tone silenced Grace and she looked away, unable to meet Dani’s fierce stare.
“Of course, Commander. I won’t fail. I promise you.”
Dani sighed, and sat down next to Grace, pulling on her hand until they faced each other. She took her other hand and put a finger under Grace’s chin, lifting her face until their eyes met.
“I have never worried that you will fail Grace, I only worried what your success will cost.”
Grace could feel her face burning, and she turned away.
Dani let her, though she didn’t let go of her hand. There was something so small in the touch that they both needed. Dani spent so much time thinking about it. How much was too much touch? How much wasn’t enough? She pushed the thoughts away, and focused on the moment, pulling gently on Grace’s hand to focus her as well.
“Formosa has told me you’re not focusing enough on your return trip.”
Grace tried to pull away, which would have been easy enough with her new augments, but Dani held firm, and she didn’t move.
“Dani-”
“This is just as important as your initial travel through the device. There are coordinates, and timetables and synchronicities, you know? And there’s backup plans for the back up plans, but we’ve got to be sure going out there. We can’t afford any mistakes.”
“They’re not guaranteed, Dani. There’s no guarantee that I’ll even come back-”
“Don’t say that.” Dani interrupted. “The single reason I let you volunteer for this mission is because they promised me that they could bring you back.”
“The single reason I’m going is because no one will give everything to keep you alive like I will. Or didn’t I prove that to you, already?”
Dani gave up any pretext and cupped Grace’s face, bringing it close to her own. “Goddammit Grace, I can’t lose you!”
Her voice cracked with desperation and Grace’s eyes went wide in surprise.
“I l-love you, Grace. I love you, and if you’re going, you have to promise that you’ll come back to me. I can’t, I can’t-” A sobbed nearly cracked through and Dani took a deep breath, steadying her voice and trying again. “I can’t lose you, even if it’s to the me of the past.”
They had said that they loved each other before, of course. There had always been moments before a mission, or after a particularly bad one. The first time Grace has single handedly killed a terminator. The coordinated offensive organized by Dani that had given them whole cities back. Grace’s last birthday party. The moments had been public and private and boisterous and quiet, but there was something more in this one, and they both could feel it.
Unshed tears blurred Grace’s eyes, but her voice was surprisingly calm. “I- I love you, too, Dani, but I’m a nobody, I’m not important. You are who matters.”
“You matter to me.” Dani crashed forward into Grace, who after a moment put her arms around her.
Dani tried to catch the tears that threatened to burst out of her chest, but she felt like her heart might split in two if she didn’t let them out, and Grace merely held her as she cried.
It had been a stressful month. Their squad had been attacked, and though Grace was just one of her personal guard, she had single handedly saved her life. It hadn’t taken much thought to decide who to send to stop Legion in the past, but Dani had fought against it with every fiber of her being. Then, when Grace had found out she was being considered she had volunteered right away, leaving Dani feeling even more desperate. There was so much history, so much trust between them, and yet there were some things that Dani just couldn’t bring herself to say. Stay the night. Kiss me. Touch me there.
She sat up, and tried again. “Grace, please, you promised me. You would never break your word.”
“Of course not, Dani.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
Grace sighed, shaking her head gently. “I’m going to go to Formosa, and working on my return briefing.”
“And you’re going to give it everything you’ve got?”
“Yes, Commander.”
Dani watched Grace carefully, and when she was satisfied, she nodded. “Okay, good. You’ve got to come back to me, Greicita.”
She tried to place this desperation, to give it a name, and banish it from her mind. She felt clawing and greedy in a way that she wasn’t sure she’d ever felt before, and she didn’t like it, but it wasn’t any use. The vision of her world after Grace walked through that device and into a past that she had to change loomed over them like a shadow, and Dani couldn’t seem to shake it. She felt like a coward, even when Grace was being brave and resolute. It wasn’t the first time that she let Grace see her in a way that others probably never would, but it was now that Dani had to be strong that she was finding herself at a loss. Even in her lowest moments, she would look for Grace’s face, and always find it there, smiling at her. What about when that was gone? How would she find her way?
“Dani?”
Grace spoke suddenly, and it nearly startled her.
“Yes, Greicita?”
“Maybe we could just sit here for a while. Just sit together.”
Dani nodded, and she held open her arms, and smiled grimly when Grace buried herself in them, wrapping her arms around Dani who was nearly knocked backward. She was heavier than she’d ever been,but Dani reclined in the chair and pulled Grace as close as she could. They stayed that way for a long time, and when Dani heard the soft snore from Grace, every few moments, she would plant a soft kiss on the top of her head, whispering her love in English and Spanish late into the night.