Work Text:
moon•struck; /ˈmo͞onˌstrək/
(adjective)
unable to think or act normally, especially because of being in love.
—
For Changkyun, relationships last because it takes effort, compromise, and sacrifices to make things work out. It has always been like that in his eyes, the feeling of love is temporary, people fall and give everything during the high of love, but it fades faster than it started and everyone around him just go their separate ways without trying to make it work. He thinks that’s why people fall out of love quickly.
Two years and seven months, it’s been that long since he’s been in a steady relationship with his senior from high school. Half of their time as partners consisted of compromise, efforts, and sacrifices; Changkyun doesn’t keep count of how many each of them had done, but he does know he’s made more of them than Hyungwon.
Telling himself that it’s okay if Hyungwon doesn’t talk to him, because the latter needs time for himself, because he believes that he will tell him what was wrong when he is ready, because Hyungwon wants to be alone, because he loves him and that’s all that matters. He will wait because it’s love, and that’s the thing, he loves him even if it hurts that the other hasn’t given him just a little of his time.
Jooheon, his best friend, has always told Changkyun that it isn’t right, that it was unfair that Hyungwon has no time for him, especially when he needed him most. Although he was always there for his best friend, and he’d be willing to listen even if he didn’t know what to say most of the time. Jooheon still believes that Changkyun loved Hyungwon more than Hyungwon loved Changkyun. But, of course, his best friend wouldn’t listen to that.
Because Hyungwon just needs time to find himself, and he will be waiting.
“Kyun, you’re fucking stupid.” Jooheon stares at him blankly. The disbelief in his best friend’s voice turns blurry between his wet eyelashes, his swollen eyes made it hard for him to see the hurt and disappointment in Jooheon’s face as he hears another one of Changkyun’s disregard for himself, always putting Hyungwon first, setting aside his pain to make room for his boyfriend’s hurt. “You’re always doing this for him, but has he ever put aside his dumb feelings for you? When you need him, is he ever there for you?” And that hit hard, Hyungwon has been emotionally absent for most of their relationship, but he has avoided that fact for so long because he loves him, and it was a sacrifice he had to make.
“His feelings aren’t dumb, Joo.” Changkyun’s voice cracked, it was too hard to breathe at this point, because he knows Jooheon was right. He doesn’t remember the last time his boyfriend ever held him close and told him it was going to be okay, he doesn’t remember the last time Hyungwon would go out of his way to make Changkyun feel better when he relapses, he doesn’t remember Hyungwon texting first to ask how he was doing. It’s not like he hasn’t done it before, but as time passed, his efforts just became lackluster, and Changkyun has been comforting himself with the thought that Hyungwon probably doesn’t feel okay as well.
“Fine. His feelings aren’t dumb, but that doesn’t mean yours is any less important.” And again, Jooheon is right, but Changkyun refuses to believe that. “Kyun, you don’t give yourself credit for what you have been doing for him. You’re the type to put everyone else before yourself, always prioritizing everyone else’s happiness before yours, and maybe it’s time for you to start thinking about what would make you happy.”
What would make him happy? Changkyun doesn’t know, but he does want to see everyone else happy, especially Hyungwon.
Hyungwon’s happiness would make him happy.
—
He looks over the notifications from his phone, only to be left disappointed with the lack of messages from Hyungwon.
“Nothing again.” Hyungwon used to greet him in the morning, but it’s been a year since he last did it. Changkyun doesn’t know why he stopped, he never asked. It’s a Saturday, Hyungwon has a gig later, he knows because he sees the band page with the schedule of their shows, not because his boyfriend had informed him, he also stopped updating him but Changkyun doesn’t remember when he did.
To: Wonnie <3
Good morning. Make sure to eat before you go to your gig, drink water as well. I love you, text me when you can.
He sighed before putting his phone down. He’ll reply when he can right?
No. He didn’t.
Changkyun thinks maybe he is just too busy.
—
Dead hours in the night meant his thoughts were alive and well awake, he laid there with his body softly cradled between comforting arms and a slim body of the person that meant everything to him. A steady pace of the other’s chest going up and down contrasted his shaky hitched respire. He had been crying in silence, too scared to wake up his lover that had found his deep sleep. It was an uncalled attack, another one of those nights were he finds himself unable to escape the demons that invited themselves in his life.
Or maybe, they were there for years before he realized. Waiting to pounce on him when he was most vulnerable.
Gently, he slipped from Hyungwon’s embrace, arms sliding slowly at the side from which the younger male had been. The latter had sat up, distancing himself from the former as he scoots his knees close to his chest. It was a moment of standstill. Voices had filled his ears with comments of disdain, it was the third night in a row that these aggressive whispers that only he could hear had suddenly appeared to terrorize him.
His soft cries had slowly, and without perceiving it, grew louder. Hoping to drown out the voices that spoke ill in his head, manifesting themselves into what seemed to be a physical form of a hundred people yelling in different tones in his ears.
And then, silence. There was silence.
Arms around his small frame had held him against a warm slim body, soft lips on the side of his temple. For a moment, it was okay.
“I’m here. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay, Kkung.” The low, sleepy voice had told him. “Should we go back to sleep?”
—
It was during the summer when Changkyun realized that he isn’t happy. Well, he’s always been unhappy with everything but this time it’s different; he finds more comfort in being alone, like he had been before he reconnected with an acquaintance, and his now boyfriend, Hyungwon, who used to be his peace and home.
He wonders what was wrong with himself, but figures that it might just have been him regressing again. Changkyun makes a note to tell that to his therapist. He hasn’t been in a good place mentally, for more than five years now, he still doesn’t know why. His therapist says that it’s okay for him to take his time, he’ll be okay eventually, but Changkyun thinks five years is more than enough time, so why hasn’t he gotten better?
With that, the young male started to spiral down into his dark hole. He hasn’t gotten better. It felt like time was slowly running out, he didn’t know what he was chasing, he didn’t know why he is pressuring himself, there was nothing to rush, but time is ticking, and when it does end, he doesn’t know what will happen.
A message interrupted his thoughts that seemed to have gone on for hours on end, although it had only been thirty minutes or less. It was from Hyungwon, who he hadn’t heard from for days.
From: Wonnie <3
Kkung, can you come over? I miss you, I need you here.
And he does. Without words, without a need for explanation because Hyungwon needed him , his hurt seemingly forgotten, it didn’t matter . Changkyun needed to be strong so that his home could have a place in him where he could rest and regain strength.
—
2AM. He laid on his side, head on slim arms and waist enveloped in another. It was warm and cold at the same time, Changkyun doesn’t know why, but he feels so alone even if the bed barely fit the two of them.
Hyungwon was preoccupied when he came over, barely giving him any mind as the older focused on his game. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t say why he needed him. Changkyun thought to himself that maybe he just needs time to say what he feels so he waited, he waited even if he knew there was nothing to wait for.
3AM. Hands all over each other as muffled moans filled the cold air, haste kisses, and bruised bare skins. Changkyun tries to forget his sadness and dismay with every distant warmth shared. He looks at Hyungwon’s face, trying to find something underneath what might be pleasure, a masked sadness maybe, but he finds nothing.
Changkyun doesn’t feel like love is being exchanged between them like it used to. He doesn’t know if maybe this is just their sadness getting in the way, or maybe this is him slowly falling out of what it used to be. It isn’t the first time this has happened, Hyungwon gets sad, Changkyun comes, no words are said, dead hours would lead to this, and for a moment, Changkyun likes to think this would take away the pain in his lover’s chest. He swallows down the emotions, drowns out the thoughts to try and feel something out of this exchange.
It was painful. Truth be told, it was definitely not pleasure he felt. His heart feels heavy as Hyungwon finishes himself, ready to give back, to let Changkyun get off as well. But the younger smiled faintly and told him it was okay. He didn’t want to make this go on any longer than it should. There was reluctance in the older’s eyes but he complies, falling to the empty side of the bed after cleaning himself up.
Soft ‘I love you’s were said before the older male falls into a slumber.
Changkyun felt a little disgusting, but he shakes it off. He loves him anyways.
4AM. Changkyun is still awake. He turns to his side to face the person with whom he shared heat with, underneath a blanket that barely covered their feet. Peace in his face as he slept through the exhaustion of the earlier event. The younger male spoke softly in a hushed voice, “I wish that your dreams aren’t filled with nightmares. Wonnie, you can give me your pain, I’ll take it with me.”
He planted a kiss on the other’s forehead that was replied with a tighter embrace. There was still distance even if they’re physically closer than they were. Changkyun tries not to think about it as he puts his arm over Hyungwon’s body.
He loves him. But is it enough when he feels like it isn’t returned the way he wants? Is it enough when he feels this unexplainable distance?
—
Changkyun finds himself laying down on the concrete floor of Jooheon’s rooftop. He has finally admitted to himself that he isn’t happy with his relationship with Hyungwon, that he doesn’t love him the way he used to, that he wants out, but that he’s scared. He’s scared he won’t be able to find someone that would make him feel the way Hyungwon had made him feel. Hyungwon was there when nobody else was, he was there when Changkyun was ready to give up, he just doesn’t know why and how it came to this.
How the two of them got to the level of comfort that it felt like him and Hyungwon just coexist. There was love, just not enough.
“Bro, I’m scared to let go.”
Jooheon stares up from his phone, diverting his attention to his sulking friend. The latter looking up at the stars as he breathes steadily, and Jooheon could see the tiredness and loss in his face. He didn’t know what he would say.
“I’m scared of losing him. I love him, and he says he loves me. But why can’t I feel anything else but fear? I don’t know, maybe I’m just scared he’ll lose himself after I break up with him. I’d blame myself if anything happens to him.” The tears in his eyes well up, his chest feeling heavier and heavier as he continues to keep up with his breathing. “I feel so guilty right now that I’m still keeping him despite the fact that I know I don’t love him like that anymore. I mean, how do you pick up the pieces of something so broken and call it love?”
“Because it isn’t love.” Jooheon crawls closer to Changkyun and lays beside him, looking up to the sky with the other boy. “You’re not scared of losing him. If you were, you wouldn’t be here right now.”
“What?”
“You’re guilty of keeping him because you’re scared you’d be alone.”
“...I-”
“Fear and guilt isn’t love, Kyun.” Jooheon turns his head to the other, his faint smile partnered with sympathy and comfort.
Changkyun stays silent, his tears unknowingly travelling down the side of his face. Maybe he is scared of being alone. He’s forgotten how it is to be alone, how scary it was, because Hyungwon was there. He forgot how to feel what he used to feel because he’s always set it aside; because Hyungwon needed him.
“You’ve always told me that love requires effort, compromise, and sacrifices. Maybe it’s time you make an effort to love yourself, sacrifice what you need to sacrifice, and maybe the compromise you need is to let him go.” He sits up, looking down on Changkyun before he continues, “Hyungwon can handle himself.”
Changkyun stays silent. Maybe this time, he believes Jooheon is right.
—
It was their thousandth day anniversary. Changkyun had almost forgotten, if it hadn’t been for the unexpected message Hyungwon had sent, he may have let the day pass again in isolation. An isolation that he had been in for the past month after having the awakening at his best friend’s place. He spent the rest of the month thinking about what had happened, how it came to this, how many conversations spent talking about the lack of effort, the lack of feelings, and the lack of adjustments Hyungwon has made in their relationship. How Changkyun was always the one to try to fix things, and it sucks that even now, he’s still the one who has to make the decision of ending things.
He has to do this to be free, right? But is it the right thing to do?
All the more Changkyun thinks about it, all the more he feels as if it isn't right. He has lost himself and made loving Hyungwon an identity, without perceiving it. And without thinking, he has reduced himself into a broken home, shattered windows, yet inside that run down house resides a beautiful room to shelter his lover in time of need, only to be left unoccupied, collecting dust, lights off, and empty when not needed.
What will become of him when that room that used to house, what he thought of was, a permanent guest leaves?
Changkyun readies himself as Hyungwon had told him so. This is the first time in a while that they were going out for a celebration, but he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t need it. What was there to celebrate? His endurance? He stayed this long, he wants to stop.
—
It was a cold night, they had just watched a movie that Hyungwon had been gushing over for the past few months since its trailer came out. Changkyun had no interest in it whatsoever, but he agreed to watch it because the other wanted to. If it had been something he picked, the older male would have probably not shown any sort of attentiveness, he would have heard complaints, boredom, and invalidation.
The younger would usually feign interest and admiration, however he could not hide his emotions. Truthfully he was preoccupied the whole run of the film. Thinking about how he was going to tell his partner he wants to get out of this charade they were in.
He didn’t know where to start, but the silence had kicked in and Hyungwon started to notice Changkyun’s indifference to the events of the day.
“Kkung, are you okay?” He held his hand, a glimpse of worry in the older’s tone. There was a slight pang of pain in his chest as he hears the concerned timbre of Hyungwon’s voice.
Should he lie?
“No. I’m not okay.” He couldn’t lie. There was no use in lying.
Hyungwon was about to open his mouth to say something, and the younger male could already predict what he would say. What’s wrong? He would ask, like he always does, then it would follow with I’m here .
Is this what being together for so long meant? Everything is too predictable, too distant even if the words were meant to mean otherwise.
“Hyungwon, let’s break up.” The words slipped like ice on a glassy surface. It was easy yet so hard, like it had been there, sitting on his tongue for so long.
Changkyun didn’t look at him but he could hear the pain from the silence, he took this as an invitation to keep going. He wanted to run away, but he knew he shouldn’t. He wanted to take it back but it’s already out there. “I’m not happy with our relationship. I don’t think you need me.”
“But I do! If you weren’t happy then why didn’t you tell me? I could have done something.”
“Do what? Tell me you’re going to try to be better, then after a few days, you’ll go back to your old ways. Ignoring me, telling me you’re busy, you want to be alone, you don’t want to talk to me, and then what? You expect me to sit here and take it like it’s okay? No, Chae Hyungwon, it’s not okay.”
Tears had started to fall, his voice cracking with every word; Changkyun felt like a panic attack is starting to bloom in his chest, and he can’t fight it. He won’t fight it.
His wails danced with the cold air that surrounded them both. It was a painful number to witness, it wasn’t graceful, it wasn’t beautiful but it drew out so much frustration, and Changkyun couldn’t help but sit there and experience it.
“Well, what else can I do?" It was the sound of defeat, there was loss in the older’s voice.
“I... don't know." He genuinely doesn’t know what will mend the broken pieces of what this is, and he doesn’t know what else to call this. It isn’t love.
Jooheon said it isn’t.
And he knew it isn’t.
“I'll do better, I will be better. Please don't leave." It made the younger male sick hearing those words again, over and over again. As if Hyungwon doesn’t know what else to say. What other lines does he have other than that?
“For two years, I've held onto those exact words, but we're always back to this, aren't we? It fucking sucks that even now all I get is still words. How can I be sure things will be different this time around?" At this point, Changkyun doesn’t know what else to feel but anger, fear and guilt completely forgotten.
“That's all I have for now. Words. How can I prove myself to you if you're so ready to leave me now?" Anger grew bigger in a span of seconds, Changkyun doesn’t know how he could say that, when he had countless of times. Times where he could have proven himself, days, months, a year where he could have been better, where he could have treated Changkyun better than Changkyun could treat himself.
“You think I’m not fucking scared to lose you? I'm tired, Hyungwon. I'm tired of always trying to keep this thing between us together, for being okay with getting crumbs of your love. I'm your boyfriend for fucks sake, not a sack of potatoes."
Again, there was silence. A few minutes too long, everything had calmed down yet the emotions failed to dissipate.
"I’m sorry."
“You say that, but do you know what it means?"
Hyungwon knows what it meant. He just doesn’t know which one he was apologizing for.
Changkyun left. He walked away from the mess he knew he created. He carried the last piece of sanity that kept him in the last few seconds of that grim conversation.
He knew that this relationship wasn’t meant to work out. It was love and this is the last sacrifice Changkyun was willing to make .