Chapter Text
“I’m a monster.” Laurent was silhouetted against the indigo and violet-colored sky. In the distance, waves were crashing against rocks, and men shouting in the way they tend to during an evening practice. His shoulders were tense, but straight as if he was trying to make himself look as little as possible while trying to maintain the facade of a man who is in control.
“No, you’re not,” Damen said. He was somewhere in the dark room - Laurent had turned the lamps low; it was better for him to be surrounded by shadows when he was in such a stormy mood. He could hear Damen’s sandaled feet stepping closer towards him, could sense the proximity between them even without seeing him. “You made the best decisions you could’ve made.”
These were not the words that Laurent wanted to hear.
He could feel himself becoming colder, the walls surrounding his vulnerability closing off brick by brick. “Foolish decisions. Cowardly ones. I let a child die for me.” The words were venom, but they were still lacking. Damen was behind him then, warmth rolling off of his body in waves. It took everything for Laurent to suppress an uncomfortable shiver. Being like this... was difficult.
“You can’t take responsibility for the actions of a bitter old man.” Damen’s voice was firm; there was no room for doubt in it. It felt like a punch to Laurent. He turned then, away from the ocean and the courtyard. Although his face was now masked in shadows, it wasn’t hard to sense the anguish. Damen wondered how much of a toll it took on Laurent to allow him to see this much.
“He was just a child,” Laurent said, weakly. Damen knew that what Laurent needed now was just the comfort of knowing that he wasn’t alone. He didn’t push in closer, he didn’t say anything further. Sometimes all it takes to feel whole again is letting the words go. “He didn’t know what he was getting himself into - he died for what - pride?” Laurent shook his head infinitesimally, such a small movement that had Damen’s full attention not been on him, he would’ve missed it.
Even if Damen had had anything to say, he wouldn’t have let the words out. Laurent took a deep breath, trying to regain control over himself. Cicadas chirped from somewhere below; the breeze smelled like summer in Ios - gardenias, the sea and wet grass. His frame was a study in tension - straight lines and taut muscle under the layers of clothes and laces. He said, “He thought he was safe - he thought my uncle… He thought he was untouchable.” Damen’s mouth was turned down at the corners.
After a moment, Laurent closed the gap. His arms hung limply at his sides, but Damen knew what he was asking for. Lifting his arms and wrapping them around Laurent’s shoulders, he pulled him in close. He was stiff, and had he not been the initiate, Damen would have felt as if he was doing it against his will. But when Laurent finally leaned into it, he let out a shaky breath. “The Regent killed him,” he whispered, “to make an example.” He emphasized the who, to really hammer the point in.
“If I wouldn’t have shown interest -” Laurent’s voice was muffled against Damen’s chest.
“Then he would have found some other way to hurt you.”
They stayed like that for a while. It was a rare occurrence, Damen knew, for Laurent to allow this kind of intimacy. He relished in the thought of what this kind of trust meant - for himself, and Laurent. With a shift of his head, Damen let his lips brush against the top of Laurent’s blond head.
“I just-,” Laurent didn’t finish the whispered sentence. He didn’t have to.
“I know,” Damen said. Laurent drew him in closer then, his arms wrapping around Damen’s waist.