Work Text:
If Natasha was the ocean, you were the lighthouse on the shore, trying to call her home. You stood at the edge of the shore, taking in a deep breath. The chill of autumn had settled in on the east coast, summer now a distant memory. The beach was quiet this time of year, a perfect place to go and think. It was quiet most days during the summer too, since the Snap, since half the universe just ceased to exist. You needed to get away. You were haunted by green eyes, belonging to the one person who refused to let you in.
When you and Natasha had started seeing one another, you clicked. You had started working with the Avengers when you met. It was just after the Battle of New York. For the longest time, things were good. You were one of the people she’d open up to, one of the people she let in. When Ultron happened, Natasha started pushing you away. It had led to an argument unlike any you had had with her. You came back together in the end, and you were convinced nothing could tear the two of you apart.
You remembered the feel of her against you that night, after murmured apologies over takeout on the couch. Her lips against yours, moving in sync. Natasha was just as capable of bringing pleasure as she was pain. And god, did she bring you pleasure. She knew you, she knew the ways to make you come undone from the years of practice she’d had at that point. Whispered promises of never letting go, promises of forever and until the end. A promise that she would never shut you out and push you away again. And you believed her.
You wished you could tell yourself five years prior just how wrong you were. Things felt more like a blur to you after Thanos. Sam. Wanda. Bucky. Peter. So many people were just gone with a snap, no chance to say goodbye. Natasha retreated from you in the wake of the Snap. You couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. The two of you stuck together, but it felt more like two strangers occupying the same space. She never kissed you anymore. A smile was rare. She had shut you out, and damn if that didn’t hurt.
You watched the waves crash over the jetty. You were lonely, lonelier than you had felt in years. The Snap had changed everything and you weren’t sure if you could ever feel okay. Natasha shut you out, Clint was off doing God only knew what, Tony was with his family, and Steve was Steve. You had never been particularly close to the Captain.
You sat down where wet sand met dry, slipping out of your shoes and socks. Though there was a chill in the air, you wanted to feel something. Another wave crashed against the shore. Down the way, you could see a couple. Happiness was a commodity that was in short supply, at least from where you were sitting. The water brushed against your feet, the sting of the cold setting in, feeling like needles against your skin.
If Natasha was the ocean, the waves were her, pushing you away, keeping you at a distance. The one thing she never counted on was the fact that you were not afraid of drowning if it meant saving her in the process. From what, you could only guess. Herself. The world. The fallout from everything that had happened. You wanted your friend back above all else. Forget about your relationship and how deep those feelings ran, you missed the friendship you had with her most of all.
If Natasha was the ocean, your relationship was a rip tide, pulling you down. Perhaps you had been drowning from the very start without realizing it, pulled deeper by the current until you couldn’t see the surface any longer, lost and confused. No, you weren’t afraid of drowning. You were afraid of losing her, not realizing that maybe, you already had and there was nothing you could do to stop it.