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It was almost six in the morning.
When Hinata opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Kageyama. Sleeping. That was the last thing he remembered seeing before he slept last night, as well.
It had always been like that ever since he was staying over at the hospital. His eyes were closed, eyelids unmoving. His chest rose and sunk. He was relaxed, fingers unconsciously tracing the linen in the blankets wrapped around his waist. His hair was tousled, bangs sticking to his sweaty forehead.
He looked as if he were asleep for a long time. But Hinata doesn't mind. He smiles.
They were lying on the same bed, calloused fingers locked tightly. It was a simple gesture of devotion, how the redhead preferred sleeping with his boyfriend on his potential coffin rather than doing less miserable things by himself. It was supposed to be a celebration.
Hinata stroked the setter's skin with his thumb, but no matter how long he held him, Kageyama couldn't leech the heat from his palm.
Their faces were so close to each other, and Hinata couldn't breathe at the sight of his face illuminated by the faint light; some ethereal feeling filled his lungs like hot oxygen, and he gave himself a little push, his lips gently touching Kageyama's cool jawline, because Kageyama is beautiful, even in sleep.
(He wonders how many kisses can he give him in more or less 24 hours.)
He pulls back, however, as soon as the warmth blossoms on his cheeks and he feels the dark haired boy twitch a little (probably out of shock, and Hinata wonders why he stirs at the tiniest touches). His lids open, and Hinata smiles at his eyes―deep blue, like uncharted waters hidden far in the east.
"Good morning, Kageyama," Hinata whispers.
And for a moment, Kageyama looks confused.
He blinks, trying to adjust to the sunshine bursting from the window, glowing behind Hinata's golden hair. Then creases appear on his forehead and lets out a small, pained groan. The redhead felt a pinch of dread creeping up his spine.
Every pained sound he made was a reminder of how cruel the truth was.
After a while, a shaky finger finds its way to Hinata's cheek, and Kageyama touches it, trying his best to smile. "Good morning, Hinata."
Hinata beams with joy.
They had all the space in the world, but the room felt too small to contain their immense emotions. They had all the time, but it was running out fast.
"Did you have a good night's sleep?"
Kageyama flinched at the fingers brushing away his damp bangs away from his forehead. It was just six in the morning, but he was already sweating so much he'll never sweat again. He lets out a quiet wheeze. "I did."
"That's good to hear." Hinata kisses his cheek, and finds it damp.
First year.
It was the end of their first year. Sakura petals were swaying with the gentle breeze, and Hinata was pushing his bike down the path from school. It was the last day of school. A warm, mellow pink hue tinted the sky.
The captain, Sugawara-san, Azumane-san, Shimizu-senpai. Everyone already graduated.
It's almost time for them to depart as well.
He wonders.
What's it like playing volleyball without Kageyama around?
The mere thought of it was scary, horrifying even. No more 'dumbasses'. No more 'oddball combos'. No more 'supernatural quick strikes'. No more 'oni and oni'. No more Kageyama. His heart ached.
"Hinata!"
He turned around to see the setter. He wore his sweater, rolled at the sleeves, dripped sweat. He looked nervous.
"Hinata, I like you!"
It sounded so distant that Hinata could barely make out the last of his words. He mouths a "what?" with knitted brows, for Kageyama glowed in the sunset light.
He ran down the path as swiftly as he could, and stopped a few meters away from his bike.
"Shit, Hinata―god fucking damn it―I'm in love with you."
It was a Friday.
"Mom?"
"I just woke up a few minutes before you did, so I don't know where she is."
Hinata props himself on his elbows and sinks back to the softness of the pillows. Kageyama watches him closely, and leans his head on Hinata's shoulder with much difficulty.
The smaller one takes his fingers in his hand and strokes at the protuding bones. He was bony, he thought, even though he had plenty of muscles to spare. At least, when they were younger. "This position is new to me, knowing that I lean to you most of the time." He giggles before adding, "it's cute."
Kageyama lets out a raspy laugh. "Yeah." He coughs, sighs and says, "I―I really wish we could do this... next time."
Hinata kept quiet. Kageyama acknowledged this, and added, "―you know. Other than today. This feels nice. I feel protected."
"Me too, Kageyama," Hinata says quietly, and inhales. He was gripping his fingers as gently as he can, pressing them to his lips, holding back his tears. He wanted to say something―anything―but his voice might crack. And Kageyama wouldn't like it if he found out that he was tearing up already. Not at six in the morning.
We'll keep on doing this. I'll never leave your side. There'll be a next time. Don't cry. Please hang on. Tobio, I love you so much.
All he says is, "don't worry."
I'm here.
First year.
"Where have you been?!"
Hinata was breathless and he looked guilty. Tokyo Disneyland was always packed with tourists, but he saw Kageyama in an instant. Wearing a blue long-sleeved shirt with a cat print. As soon as he saw Hinata staring at him, he became enraged.
Hinata gulps. It was too early in the afternoon, the sun was burning immensely, and Kageyama was angry.
Sweat rolled down his neck and he looked so infuriated, brows tightly knit and teeth clenched. Hinata didn't know what to do. Excuses and stutters tumbled one at a time from his tongue. He held out his hands in fright. But the taller teen didn't give two fucks. He stomped towards his redhead companion, his boyfriend, Hinata, and grabs at his shoulders with an iron-like grip.
"Dumbass Hinata!" He yelled so loud it the tourists gave them condemning stares.
"K-Kageyama," Hinata yelped. It was their first date and Kageyama was already angry. But it wasn't his fault (he had every right to be angry). There were too many things that existed in the planet to pin the blame to, and Hinata couldn't decide. "It―it was my fault! It was an accident, I'm sorry! M-Mom was... N-Natsu was... Groceries... The traffic―"
"I've been worried sick, you shitty dumbass!"
Hinata was caught off guard, his mouth gaping. "H-Hah?"
"What the fucking hell do you think? What if you got mugged by some robber? What if you left your wallet at the station or something? What if you got lost? Or stuck? Kidnapped? Or killed? Or―or―oh! Hinata Shouyo, you know what? Fuck you!"
And after that, they had the best damn date ever.
"Am I disturbing anything?" A voice calls out from the door.
Hinata and Kageyama pull away from the kiss quickly.
The redhead jumps out of bed and rubs at his lips and cheeks by the window while Kageyama yells, "M-Mom! It's okay. Come in."
Mrs. Kageyama came in with a tray, and the combined scent of the three bowls of mushroom soup filled the small room immediately. Hinata took a whiff of the delicious aroma, but his eyes were set on his boyfriend's mother. She had her hair in a usual bun, and wore a smile that failed to hide her pity. She looks just like her son was Hinata's first impression of her, but now that he got to see her more often, he realized that her eyes were bigger than his, she had dark brown and not raven black for hair, and she looked older without pressed powder and red lipstick.
Her name was Hitori, and there were lines around her eyes and cheeks where tears trickled the night before.
"You know, Hinata-chan," she says as she hands a steaming bowl to the visitor, "I really appreciate you coming over for Tobio. You're one of the two people I remember who visits him whenever he's sick."
"One of the two?"
"They're always either you or the class representative. The last time was in middle school. She gave him his handouts and stayed for three minutes."
"Mom, cut it out," Kageyama groans, burying his face in a book by Murakami Haruki, 1Q84. "That was in middle school."
"Nobody would like to visit a scowling sourpuss now, don't you think?" She laughs and pinches his cheek gently, before rubbing his hair affectionately. "Well, now you have Hinata-chan."
Hinata watched mother and son, feeling guilty. It was pitiful seeing her acting so positive at a time like this, when any second could be his last. He could hear her voice crack at some words, and she would double with laughter, letting tears escaping her eyes.
He blinked when he felt Kageyama stare him down. He was looking at him as his mother craddled him like a child, her wet face buried in his jet black hair. The boy curled his lips up, and Hinata forced a smile, because Kageyama was beautiful, and he was a bastard just as he was a monster and an angel and a curse, and that he was lonely, he was scared, he was human, and he was going to die.
The setter makes a face, and he mouths, "you're so beautiful."
First year.
The raven haired boy spent the holidays alone.
Hinata broke up with Kageyama on his birthday.
It was brief, and it was unbelievable. It tasted of venom and felt like salt peppered over wounds that would never heal. He was shivering in his sweater, toes curled up and knees buried in his chest, and his head trembled against his kneecaps.
It was all over.
How could he have been so stupid?
"That is why I am in love with you, you big fucking dick!" He could remember Hinata scream angrily, face flushed and fists clenched. "Why is it that you always strive to prove something to yourself, to me? God, I hate it when you do that! You never even asked what I wanted, but that was you!"
He left by then, and the candle melted on the cake Yachi made.
He was down with fever on Christmas, and got gifts from the entire Karasuno family except for Tsukishima and Hinata. He tries writing a card for the redhead but he deemed it too gutless, and every single sentence didn't mean anything. It was never sincere enough. His notebooks were burning in the fireplace.
He clutches at his chest. Has it always been this painful?
By New Year's Eve, he receives a sudden call from Hinata, and picks up, hands shaking.
"H-Hello?"
"Hello? Hello? Hello! Wow. You talk as if your distant aunt just called."
"Hinata―"
"Damn it! What's wrong with me―I'm sorry."
Kageyama inhales sharply. "W-What?"
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I mean it. Look, e-everything was my fault. I... I overreacted, I ruined your birthday, I might have made you sad. Or something. Unless you had someone to spend time with. It's just that I hate seeing you doubt yourself. It's just like before."
"Wait, Hina―"
"Let me finish!" He hears a deep sigh from the other line before Hinata continues, "I have a lot of things to say, and a phone call just won't cut it. I have to see you. I... I need to apologize directly. I mi―I missed you. I really missed you. I want to see you. Kageyama."
"..."
"C-Can we meet up? Or something? Please? Only for a―"
"Where do you want to meet? I―I'll be there in five," he replies, a little too ecstatic. He tries to hide it, but Hinata knew him too well.
He laughs, and Kageyama's heart flutters. "At the shrine in the city. I want to show you something amazing, too."
His mother left, and the two were all alone again. Hinata clasps his fingers quickly, feeling protective of him.
"What do you want to do, Kageyama?"
He strokes the book's spine, the mood to read gone. "I don't know. I don't have much time."
"Oh," Hinata says quietly, and leans his cheek against his sharp shoulder blades. He was so cold, and the mere fact alone made Hinata sad.
"You won't wait out for my time by my side, right?"
"Kageyama, we've already talked about this. I'm staying by your side, forever." The redhead sits up and pulls up the blankets to his chest.
He eyes his chest, and it was as if he could see death's big long hands, ready to grasp Kageyama's beaten heart through his hospital gown and take away his rhythmic thumping slowly, send the cold, dreaded curse coursing in his blood and veins.
You're going to die. There's nothing you can do to change that.
"My body is so cold. Don't you feel chilly around me?" Kageyama asks.
The other doesn't answer.
"I have an idea," Hinata says, and turns to the other.
He raises his eyebrows.
There was something sincere in his smile. "Let's talk about the future. Our dreams, our plans."
Second year.
He didn't know what went through his mind when he kissed Hinata.
It was probably because the whiskey chocolate Ukai brought over (illegally, because they were minors, and they ate too much that Nishinoya and Tanaka were both disgustingly drunk, and he could feel himself become hazy Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were laughing at him).
It was probably because he was tired from schoolwork and practice.
But then again, it was probably because of Hinata. It was probably because he looked attractive under the light of the moon, shining on his hair like a halo. It was probably because Hinata looked at him, and smiled a smile that was only meant for him, and he would feel special, for once. It was probably because he was walking home right now, with Hinata's fingers laced in his, and that he was proud to call him his boyfriend.
He wobbles, lets go, cups Hinata's cheeks with his hands, gasping quietly at its softness and warmth, and kisses him.
He was too slow to calculate the why.
But he was swift to act out the what.
"Like, every single thing?" Kageyama asks, turning to his side to face Hinata. "I have a lot of dreams. I might bore you, too. You have to go home this evening, take a goddamn shower and attend exams tomorrow. We don't have enough time."
"There's always enough time," Hinata turns to his right, and the two locked their gazes. There was always a nostalgic spark whenever their eyes met like this. "It's early. Let's make the most out of today."
Kageyama smiles. "Okay."
Second year.
He shivers. The cold nails clawing gently at his sensitive waist felt so good Hinata knew that he was losing his mind. There was a strange song playing on Kageyama's mp3 player, buried in the pocket of his discarded pants, that matched the mood inside the room―raw, slow, alien.
"Kageyama," he whispers, clutching the fabric of his shirt and slowly pulling it up to cover his mouth. "Ah."
He gasps at the soft lips leaving wet spots on his stomach. Kageyama was sweating, almost naked above Hinata, and while the redhead was still fully clothed, he could feel that his gaze was, in fact, undressing him.
The music continues to play, and the smokey voice of the singer singing about immoral desires made the situation worse.
His digits wandered around his body―the veins in his wrists, the clavicles resting above his chest, the hollow of his stomach, the freckles dusting his chest, the pulse in his neck, the bulge in his shorts, his soft, milky thighs. He touched them wordlessly. He took them all in breathlessly.
"Kageyama," Hinata whispers, voice muffled behind the shirt. He closes his eyes, and lets out a small moan when he feels teeth graze across his chest. It felt amazing. "Kageyama."
Kageyama's mp3 player was playing ridiculously cheesy songs again. Hinata was positive he had a playlist made for times like these.
"I've been thinking about college," Kageyama says, a finger drawing lines on Hinata's hand. "I was thinking that we'd stay in an apartment together, go to our separate schools and come home together at night. Isn't that great?"
"Wow!" Hinata says blissfully. "That sounds romantic. I do plan to go to Tokyo. Take up hotel and restaurant technology or something. What do you want to do?"
Kageyama's brows knot. "Hmmm, I still can't decide on medicine or criminology. My dad wants me to take up business like him, though... But I don't want to..."
Hinata tenses. "Your dad?"
Kageyama looks at him evenly. "Yeah. Dad."
Second year.
Kageyama was present in school today, but he avoided Hinata. They heard some rumors along the lines of 'he got into a fight' and 'he was crying in class earlier, in secret,' and the redhead was the most affected.
Hinata was almost sure this was it, certain he's finally done it when he receives a text from Kageyama with only the words, "Please meet me near Sakanoshita. We need to talk."
He found him standing by the vending machines, head hung so low his bangs hid his eyes, and he looked weak.
Hinata approaches, and holds his hand slowly, bending to see the setter's eyes. "Kageyama―are you okay?"
His eyes were bloodshot and there was a big bandage on his cheek.
"H―Hinata... I'm sorry, I―"
Hinata realizes what he was apologizing for.
They've talked about this.
He gasped, and he was shocked, hurt, and felt the world crash on his shoulders. But he was quick to hug him as well (Support him, he tells himself, because he is delicate.) "No, no, please don't cry," he holds his face, trying to keep him together. "It's okay. It's okay!"
"It's not!" Kageyama retorts angrily, and the tears fall. "It's not okay, goddamn it! How can I―how can we―if, if―"
Hinata pulls him by the collar and kisses him sloppily, salt mixing with the sweetness of their lips. Kageyama wrapped his arms around the other's small frame desperately, and they kissed, they cried, they suffered, and for a moment they were the two loneliest people on earth. Hinata breaks the contact, and touches his cheeks, smiling, "Don't worry. It's going to be okay. It's natural. It's just the beginning. He'll accept it soon. Let's wait, alright? We'll be okay."
The topic seemed too delicate for Kageyama to talk about, so Hinata pulled out an elastic string from his pocket, and changed the subject.
"Also, I want to take in some pets. Probably stray cats and dogs, because Kenma and Inuoka are cat and dog whisperers, respectively. They taught me cool tips on how to catch the attention of animals."
Kageyama was absentmindedly flipping through the pages of the book. "Why do we have to take in animals? They all hate me, you know that."
"That's why I'm going to teach you!" Hinata chirps, playing with the string. "Come on, don't you want a cat to love you for once?"
"Cats are stingy and dogs are noisy as fuck," Kageyama retorts, scowling. "Every single cat I try to approach always leaves me bleeding with a scratch on the hand, or the nose and cheek, and then our stupid family guard dog's alwa―"
Then Kageyama started to cough and later, cough harder and clutch at his chest, crashing back down at the bed. He dropped the book and continued to cough, gagging and choking on mom and dad and Hinata and I don't want to die―
"Kageyama! Kageyama!" Hinata screamed, and a vision of the past entered his thoughts.
Second year.
Four minutes. Third set.
Kageyama's toss completely missed, then immediately after that, he shook violently and fell on his knees, coughing and gasping like a fish out of water.
The two nearest to him were Tanaka and Ennoshita, and they ran to his side as Takeda called for a time out. Hinata was off court that time, and he wanted to run as well, wanted to see what happened to Kageyama, but he was trembling, and his legs wouldn't give. He watched from the sidelines in horror.
"Hey! Hey, Kageyama! Kageyama, what's wrong? Hey!" Tanaka yelled, and he looked over to where the right. "Yachi! Yachi, water, please! Hurry!"
The manager panics and stumbles to get to where the team was. Ennoshita held Kageyama in his arms, but the setter was still coughing, gripping his jersey tightly where his heart was. Nishinoya grabbed the water bottle from Yachi's hands and yelled at Yamaguchi to help him drink. He drank in trembling sips before pushing the bottle away to cough some more.
"Kageyama, where does it hurt?" Ennoshita asks worriedly, trying to help the setter relax. The light already disappeared in the raven haired boy's eyes, there was drool around his lips, he was crying, and he looked so pained that even Ennoshita felt it.
"Where does it hurt?" he asks again, wiping the sweat from the second year's temples. "Kageyama, can you hear me?"
"Mom, dad," he whispers in a scared voice. "M-Mom... d-d-dad... H―Hinata, I don't―"
Nishinoya screams out Hinata's first name.
"I d-don't want to die―"
And he passed out.
The whole gymnasium was shivering in anxiousness and shock.
"That was Karasuno's setter, Kageyama, right?"
"He just fell and started coughing."
"Oh no, does it look serious?"
"Everyone looks scared."
"I hope nothing bad happened."
He was subbed out in that game and Hinata couldn't do anything but watch him disappear on the stretcher, with Takeda and Yachi tagging behind the medics. In the end, he never came back, and Karasuno experienced a crushing defeat.
"Hinata."
He opens his eyes and sees nothing but a blur.
"Hinata, hey. Open your eyes."
He blinks, and realizes that he was crying. He was squatting on the bed, and Kageyama was sitting up and rubbing his small shoulders.
"Yeah, that's better," he grins, and Hinata swore he was so close to punching him in the nose.
He rubs at his eyes and licks his lips, trying to get rid of the bitter taste inside his mouth. "Mmnh, what happened? You were―"
"I just coughed. You started crying and almost passed out."
"But―"
"You thought of that again, didn't you?"
"Well, I―yeah. That was traumatizing, so of course..."
"You're imagining things again."
"I know," he says, his voice rising, "but Kageyama, ever since that incident, I―"
"I'm not in pain, alright?" Kageyama insists. "I'm okay."
Hinata exhales. "Okay."
They were lying down, shoulders, arms, hips and legs placed side by side. The aroma from their breakfast dissipated minutes ago, and the smell of antiseptics spread in the air, and it hurt Hinata's nosetrils.
"What were we talking about again?"
"About moving out after graduation." Kageyama avoided the topic of pets.
"Ah, right," Hinata snakes his fingers around his. "There are many apartments in Tokyo. We have to find one that's neat, but cheap."
"Aaah," Kageyama says. "Sawamura-san and Sugawara-san might be able to help us with that. They share an apartment in Tokyo, too."
Hinata perks up. "Does this mean we'll share an apartment with the former third years?!"
"Yeah," Kageyama turns to face him, grinning. "I think Azumane-san and Nishinoya-san stay there as well."
"Guwaaaah! Kageyama," Hinata wears a face-splitting smile, and places his boyfriend's wide palm on his cheek. "I'm―I'm so excited... I can't wait any longer!"
"Me too," Kageyama kisses his hand. "We'll do this."
Hinata stops momentarily, and finally says, "Yeah."
We'll do this, too.
"Hey," Kageyama says, voice low. "I'm going to sleep for a bit, okay?"
Hinata looks at him, "Oh. Okay. Sure."
He sat up and got off the bed, and began to move his hands to help Kageyama lie down. "Do you need anything else? Water, thicker blankets?"
"No, I'm fine," Kageyama falls back to the bed gently. He closes his eyes. "Thanks."
Hinata pulls the covers over his chest. "No problem. I'll be here when you need me."
"Cool."
Yeah, Hinata thought. You're really cool.
Third year.
One time, they were in Kageyama's room on a hot Saturday night. His parents weren't around, and Hinata terribly missed him and wanted to stay for the night. The visits to the clinic were getting frequent. The tosses were getting duller. The absences, the chest pains. Kageyama was disappearing.
Sprawled on the floor, Hinata sat on his lap as he kissed him gently, hands in fists on his shirt.
"Mmmnh," the dark haired boy moaned as he bruised the other's lips, twisting fingers in orange locks. They could feel each other's heat through layers of clothing. There was a small burning sensation deep in their bodies that longed to break free.
Everything was golden until Kageyama forcefully pushed Hinata away and began to hack.
"Kageyama!" Panicked, Hinata scrambled back on his knees and held his quivering shoulders. "Kageyama, wait, let me have a look―"
"Shit, no!" The setter gagged, grasping at his chest, and shoved him away. "N-No. I'm fine, I―"
He started gagging again, he was suffocating, and slid from the wall to the floor, sweating.
There was a bit of blood in his drool.
Hinata tried not to cry as he held his hand tightly and prayed.
Soon enough, he stopped. He was lying on the floor, teary eyes up at the ceiling. He inhaled and exhaled, waiting for the pain in his chest to subside.
"Hinata... my heart won't stop beating fast. Is this because of you, or something else?"
"W-What can I do to help?"
"I think," he gasps, "I think I'm―"
"No! Don't you dare say anything else."
"Sorry..."
"..."
"Let's just go to sleep. Please."
It was a miracle they weren't holding hands or anything like that when Kageyama's father came into the room without knocking.
Kageyama was already asleep, and Hinata sat on the uncomfortable metal chair beside him, looping his fingers countless of times in a loom of different colors. He was petrified when his father looked at him, then to his son, then back to him. Despite the incredulous look he gave the redhead, he closed the door behind him and let himself in.
"Where is Hitori?" He asked, setting his briefcase down and hovering his eyes over Kageyama's sleeping figure.
"She went out to buy something, I th―ink," Hinata replies quietly, looking down at the colors pooling on his lap.
"How long has she been out?"
"Around half an hour. Ah! Was it? Um."
He doesn't respond. Hinata curiously peeks from his bangs to see what he was doing, and his fingers stop halfway. His father had a hand over his mouth, trying to stop whatever sound he wanted to make, so close to crying. He stood, just staring at the boy with the heart disease whom he punched for being in a relationship with the same gender a long time ago.
Hinata watches still, and the man heaves a heavy exhale, closing his eyes, letting a tear fall. He tenderly stroked his son's jet black hair, a hue that mirrored his. "Hinata-kun."
The aforementioned perked up. "Y-Yes!"
He turns to him with hard eyes. "Can you do one thing for me?"
"Anything, s-sir."
He picked up his briefcase and turned to the door. He held the doorknob and spoke without looking at him, "You've always made my son happy. Do the one thing his old man never did."
He closed the door, and Hinata can hear the sound of his footsteps from outside.
Yasashi was the embodiment of greatness, like a grand mountain, but like a humble river streaming downhill, he was also gentle.
Third year.
Hitori sunk to the floor, dabbing her handkerchief at her eyes. Tobio was sleeping on his bed.
Her husband helped her back to the couch, and massaged her shoulders. "Honey, please, don't cry. You'll wake Tobi―"
"Tobio's going to die," she whispers in a tone somewhere along the lines of anger and helplessness. "My poor son's going to die. Yasashi, I don't want to believe it."
"It's too soon."
"He's got big dreams. He wants to be a professional volleyball player. He wants to become someone someday. He's got someone―"
"Yes. We―we have to tell Hinata, too."
"What will his teammates say? How would they react to the fact that Tobio's got less than weeks to live? How? I should've known... I'm a terrible parent... Tobio, I'm so sorry..."
"It's our fault, Hitori," he presses his lips to his wife's temple. "I've been a terrible father. I―I was too preoccupied with work, I was always angry with him, I never got a chance to talk to him about whatever was on his mind. I didn't appreciate how far he had come... What if... he kept this pain from us as well? For a long time?"
"And Hinata... It was Hinata-chan who stood by his side and stuck with him up until now?.."
"That kid's doing a better job of taking care of Tobio."
"Oh god, Yasashi, please. I don't want him to suffer anymore."
"We should get him a heart transplant."
"The doctors said it's too late."
The two held each other in their arms, crying for their little boy. To them, he would always be little Tobio, always scowling, grumbling, wearing the same sour face, tiny hands clutching a volleyball, saying "They don't want to play with me." He was a third year now. They never got to see him grow up on his own.
On the bed, Kageyama watched his parents.
He was overjoyed to see them holding each other so close, because it's been a while since he last saw them be intimate with each other.
Their conversation right now was strange. He never thought that this was how his parents felt. They've always been so distant from him, lost in a world made of papers, ink, numbers and decimals. Seeing them like this made his heart ache with happiness. He remembered being alone in his room, in a spacious house, with no clue whether his parents had a care for the growing pain in his chest or not. If his passing away would help bridge them back together, maybe he could accept death in a heartbeat.
"Mom, dad," he says quietly.
The two turn to him in surprise.
He smiles, "It's okay."
It's not your fault.
"Yasashi was here?" His mom asked, setting down milk bread and cartons of milk on the table. Kageyama was still asleep, eyeballs moving underneath his lids, a small smile on this lips that frightened his mother.
"Only for a while, though. He just came to check on Tob―" Hinata blushes and quickly slaps a hand to his mouth, realizing his mistake. "Kageyama, I mean."
Hitori just laughs. "That's alright," she reaches out and holds his hand. "Tobio is yours, too."
Hinata's blush deepens.
She hums. "Just like you're his."
"That's not right," Hinata looks down at his lap. "I'm just taking him away from you."
"That's not true," she says, voice hushed. "Tobio loves you very much. If God would have mercy and bless him with a longer lifespan, I would gladly let you take him wholly after graduation, if that will make him happy."
As she spoke, she turned her head to the side, and Hinata followed her eyes; they landed on Kageyama's peaceful features.
He loves you very much.
Hinata exhales slowly.
His pale lips were a straight line, then, ever so slowly, it curves to a smile, and opens a little, quietly uttering the one name on his tongue like a prayer that would save him from death.
Shouyo.
For the rest of the afternoon, Kageyama slept, and Hinata stayed up just to watch him breathe. Because if today was his last day, Hinata will make sure he would die with a smile, in his sleep, smiling. He won't allow him to die alone, crying, stuck with a terror-stricken face, unable to breathe. No, not like that.
That night, he kissed Kageyama's temple.
"It's only for a day," Hinata says, pushing aside his dark fringe with a finger. "I'll come back tomorrow afternoon and I'll see you again."
"I know you will," Kageyama answers weakly, and Hinata assumes it was because he was tired, nothing else.
"Get some rest, okay?" Hinata adds, wiping sweat from his cheek with the back of his hand. "When I see you tomorrow, you should be talkative. You should go back to calling me dumbass. I expect a lot from you tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I will," the other replies. "Now go and review―dumbass."
"Let's make a blood pact, then!"
"Are you serious?!"
"Kidding, kidding!" Hinata laughs. "Okay. I'll start. I promise to be by your side forever, no matter what happens."
Kageyama smiles at that. "That's cute, but I can't promise you anything, you know. Not like this."
Hinata grins, and leans down to kiss his upper lip. In his mom's presence. Not like she minds.
"I love you," he whispers briefly, before kissing him quickly one more time. "I love you, Kageyama."
The dark haired boy looked at him in the eye as he said this, and Hinata didn't falter; he was serious. He loves Kageyama. He loves every single bit and fiber of his existence it hurt.
"I... love you... a lot too," he says slowly, as if he's trying to word it out poetically. "I'm sorry I can't promise you anything... But... I wish there was a way for me to sound more sincere, but I was never good with words. So... I'll give you something special instead. That's my promise. Anyway, my I love you. That's present tense, not past."
Hinata smiles, and pinches his nose. "To the future tense and beyond?"
Kageyama smirks. "Yeah. To the future tense and beyond."
Hinata stands up and touches his hair. "Get well, you jerk."
"Study, dumbass."
Hinata laughs and nods at his mother. "Thank you for having me, Mrs. Kageyama."
"No problem, Hinata-chan."
He picks up his bag and swings it over his shoulder, ready to open the door, but he couldn't resist the chance to take one last glance at Kageyama. He was looking at him too, but it was different from earlier. He looked at him sadly, longingly, with a bit of regret, as if his face earlier was just an act and he wanted him to stay with him.
Hinata mouths "I love you" as he waves his hand a little.
Kageyama was about to say something, but his mother's back obscured his apprehensive face.
Hinata closes the door and leaves. By the time he was on the train, he realized that he never got to know what he wanted to say.
But it was most definitely not "I love you, too".
Because he was sure that if you said I love you to someone you really loved, you normally shouldn't look overwrought.
It was a little around past 2:00 in the morning and Hinata couldn't sleep.
All he could think of was Kageyama.
Kageyama's face when he mouthed I love you for the last time. There was something uneasy about that look. His eyes looked alarmed. His body appeared tensed. It was like he wanted to scream, "Wait!" when his mother obscured him.
Hinata clutches at his chest.
I have to sleep.
He closes his eyes, and for the first time, he doesn't see Kageyama.
He was rubbing his eyes in the morning, ready for his test.
"I'll get through today," he muses to himself, eating tamago kake gohan. "The pointers are just easy. Finish the exam quickly, then, I'll stop by for a warmup at the gym, and then―"
I'll see Kageyama.
He smiles at the though and eats his food, and Natsu wonders if he's lost it.
On his way to the hospital, he receives a text from an unknown number. It was 5:43 in the afternoon.
Hinata is this your number? It is Yasashi, Tobio's father
Hinata chokes on his garigari-kun ice pop, and replies quickly. He takes note of proper capitalization and punctuation to impress him.
Yes, this is me, Hinata! (•ω•)
But he couldn't resist the emoticon.
Where are you right now? Are you headed to the hospital?
A cold trickle of sweat traced his spine, but Hinata didn't mind it.
Yes, I am. I am about to take the train.
Hinata, this is very sudden, but it is also very urgent. Please go home for today. I promise Hitori will call you later to explain everything.
Hinata couldn't understand what he just read.
Is Kageyama okay? He's not in pain, isn't he?
He is not. Son, please, head home for now.
He saves his number and goes home alarmed.
Hitori calls him past nine in the evening.
"Hello, Mrs. Kageyama," Hinata says.
"Hi, Hinata-chan. Sorry, you must have waited. How was your test?"
"It went well, thank you very much."
"I see! That's good."
"..."
"..."
"Um, Mrs. Kageyama?"
He hears sniffling. It was barely audible, but Hinata was sure of it. "Y-Yes?"
"Is Kageyama... Is Tobio okay?"
"Hinata," her voice started to break, "oh, Hinata, sweetie, Tobio is gone now."
"What?"
"Tobio passed away earlier this afternoon, Hinata."
"N-No, that's impossible―please don't joke around like that!..."
"It's hard to believe," she sobs, "but it's true. That's why we didn't want you over earlier. He didn't want you to see him. We needed to be with him, as his parents."
Hinata was crying. He sniffs and sniffs, coughing on a sob every now and then. That was when Hitori started to cry on the other line.
"I'm sorry, dear, but we're all very busy here... We need to plan out the rites. I'll call you again soon, okay, sweetie?"
"O-Okay," he whispers, almost voiceless. "Thank you for telling me."
When the line cuts, he falls on his knees and drops the telephone. He was shaking so bad he couldn't stop himself. Tears spilled from his eyes, and they were hot and stingy. He gasped for air, as if he was being deprived of oxygen. His fingers were so cold, and he clawed at his hair, wondering why he was so angry at himself.
He's not in pain, isn't he?
"K-Kageyama..."
He is not.
The serious but kind eyes which mirrored the universe. The hair so dark that it shamed the shadows. Skin so pale it glowed in the moonlight. Hands that were so wide yet carefully held every single part of Hinata in it. A smile so rare it was prepossessing. The kind soul who was always misunderstood. How did he look like? Just imagining it was mortifying.
He would never see him again.
I'm in love with you!
Dumbass Hinata!
I'll be there in five.
I need to talk to you.
I don't want to die.
Hinata, my heart won't stop beating fast.
Shouyo.
I love you a lot, too.
To the future tense and beyond.
The poisoned heart beating inside his ribcage finally reached its limit.
Hinata curled himself on the floor, crying like a toddler robbed off a toy, a lover missing their other half.
His mother finds him in the kitchen seconds later, but she couldn't possibly heal him.
Kageyama was dead.
He died all alone.
Hinata broke his promise.
"Hinata."
His eyes open, and he doesn't see Kageyama.
He sees Sugawara instead, fine lines around his eyes ringed by pale lashes. He either didn't sleep last night, or didn't stop crying this morning. He looked terrible.
"Ah, sorry, I must've slept." He stands up from the wooden bench.
"Here, let me fix your tie."
"Thank you."
Sugawara takes the black silk in his hands and adjusts it.
"Kageyama," Hinata starts with a small smile on his face, "always wanted to see me in a suit someday. I'm wearing a suit for him on his funeral, Sugawara-senpai."
"Hinata," Sugawara says, his voice breaking. He puts a hand on his former underclassman's cheek, "please, don't say things like that."
Hinata sniffs, trying not to cry. "I'm sorry. I miss him so much."
"I know. You miss him more than anyone," Sugawara dusts off the non-existent material on Hinata's shoulders. "Do you want to see his coffin?"
Hinata looks up, surprised. It didn't occur to him that he would be able to see his face one more time. In his wake. "I would like to."
His honest reply amazed Sugawara, and he smiles a little.
Everyone whipped their heads as the two approached.
But Hinata's mind was already far, far away. Somewhere, in the near future, he would be sharing an apartment with the boy he loved the most, full of volleyballs, clothes they didn't feel like washing, thesis and research papers and an endless number of stray cats in their wake.
They would drink coffee from the same mug and talk just about anything under the sun.
"Hinata," Sugawara says, "we're here."
Hinata shifts his gaze from the oblivion to the body in front of him.
Kageyama Tobio.
The only memory of him he remembered in the hospital was the look he gave him before he left. The details about every contact, every kiss, every whisper, every promise were all hazy and fuzzy.
His eyes were closed, eyelids unmoving. But his chest didn't rise and sink. He was relaxed, but his fingers didn't move to unconsciously trace the fabric of his pants. His hair was fixed and parted neatly, and if he were to wake up any time soon, Hinata would tell him that he looked really ridiculous.
He looked as if he was just sleeping. Hinata minds.
Their faces were so close yet so far, and Hinata couldn't breathe at the sight of his face illuminated by the chandelier's lazy light; some forlorn pain thumped in his chest like war drums, and he gave himself a little push, his fingers gently touching Kageyama's cold cheek, because Kageyama was beautiful, even in death.
Oh, Kageyama, Hinata mutters to himself, stroking the bones in his cheeks. You look really handsome, but different. It's so strange watching you from here. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. I'm the worst, aren't I? Please open your eyes, and call me a dumbass.
He noticed the small, silver band around his ring finger. Hinata swallowed the lump in his throat, and touched it. It was cold on his fingertips.
So Hinata put his hand to his lips, and pressed three fingers to the boy's pale lips. I love you. I do. I still do.
They were so cold and dry.
A goodbye kiss, his eyes were shut close, hot tears streaming down, because I...
Kageyama, I―
That night, he couldn't sleep, because his eyes burned.
Whether his eyes were open or closed, he couldn't see Kageyama.
Oh, god.
How did he look like again?
Hinata wanted to see him behind his eyelids. He wanted him in his dreams, but he never came back.
He stays up, sobs lodged in his throat, tears streaming down his eyes. He wanted to cry out his name, but it wouldn't leave his tongue. He would touch his stomach, his fingers, his cheeks, the places he's been. The sensations he left on his body were permanent, like a ghost's whisper on his skin, and Hinata trembled.
He couldn't stop crying. It was too hot. His head and chest were both heavy, his lungs seemed to have disappeared, and there was no point in living anymore.
The dots were easy to connect.
Kageyama had gone somewhere so far away and Hinata stayed.
The shadow was swallowed by the void and no one saw.
Oh my fucking god.
Weeks before graduation, he dialed the family number after eating guts for breakfast. His mother picks up on the fourth ring.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Mrs. Kageyama. It's me, Hinata."
"Oh, Hinata! Hinata-chan. It's been a long while. Nice to hear from you again." A pause, and he hears the tearing of something, probably packing tape. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh, um, it might be a bad time... I just... Well, I... I wanted to talk abou―"
"―about Tobio?" she cuts in, and Hinata's ears flush. "Is he the reason why you called?"
"Yes," Hinata bravely replies. "I still can't stop thinking about him. I would like to know what happened before he died."
"Hmmm," Hitori muses, managing to deal with whatever work she was doing and the phone call. "What exactly is it that do you want to know?"
"If he was in pain, if he said anything, about anyone, or me... Just about anything you can remember. Sorry, it's been so long. I just can't stop thinking about him. M-Maybe this would help me get my mind off things. I can call some other time, though."
"Sorry, Hinata. Tobio didn't mention anything about you at all. You see, I held his hand as he died."
Hinata suddenly felt envious, then he felt bad for feeling that way.
"He didn't leave a dying message for you or anything of that sort. It was saddening. He was just gasping in pain."
"I... I see."
"But, actually, Hinata, he said your name just moments before he died. It was quiet, but I heard it. I was stroking his hand as his pulse rate degraded dangerously fast. He was looking up at the ceiling, and all of a sudden, 'Shouyo.' Then he stopped talking, and his face fell. Before I knew it, he shed a single tear, and he was gone."
"..."
"He looked so, so sad."
That was all he needed to hear. Of course he was. "I see..."
"Sorry, Hinata-kun."
"I―It's okay."
"I've been meaning to throw away his stuff, but my heart always felt heavy."
"Hinata Shouyo?"
He was about to leave for Tokyo today.
"Yes, he lives here," his mother, Tsuyo, answers. "Shou-chan! You've got mail."
Hinata bounds down the stairs. He looks at the papers and nods, tossing his bed hair around. "Yes, that would be me."
"Why don't I ever get mail?" Natsu wails, hanging on her brother's shoulders.
"Please sign here, and here," the delivery man says gruffly.
He hums as he signs the papers, and the man hands him the envelope and tips his hat.
"Thank you very much," Natsu chirps as the man disappeared on his bike. She turns to his brother, who was staring at the envelope in silence. "From who is it, niichan?"
Tsuyo sees the uneasy look in Shouyo's eyes, and when she looks at the envelope, she puts a hand to her mouth.
"I've been lonely for so long. And I've been hurt so deeply.
If only I could have met you again a long time ago,
then I wouldn't have had to take all these detours to get here."
― Murakami Haruki, 1Q84
Hinata turns the letter around. There was no recipient, no return address. "What the hell."
"Is this someone's idea of a joke?" Tsuyo frowned, wiping on her apron while making disgusted noises. "Forget it, Shouyo," she touched his shoulder, alarmed. "You don't have to read it if you don't want to. I'll throw it away for you if you want."
"I'll do it myself," Hinata says, and looks back at the paper in his hand. "But I have to read it first."
This is definitely Kageyama's handwriting, Hinata says to himself.
He was sitting on a chair, staring at the letter on his desk.
It's been days since he held a physical memory of Kageyama.
The last time he did was two days after graduation, when Hitori mailed him two boxes with trinkets and items he treasured.
His mp3 player with nine playlists dedicated to him. His Best Setter Award with a broken frame. The medal from their prefectural match in second year. His Karasuno jersey. The misanga with a crown charm Natsu wove for him, worn out from use. A photo album with his pictures as a baby, a child, up to adolescence. Purikura pictures from their first date. The small crow keychain Hinata made. His cellphone. The pink shirt with the words Single-celled on it. The key to his bedroom. A brown watch made in Switzerland. Stolen pictures of Hinata. A collection of rare milk boxes. The mix tape Tsukishima gave him as a present in second year. An old picture of the sister he never had. A book titled 1Q84 by an author named Murakami Haruki, an orange bookmark somewhere near the end.
And so much more.
He touches the crisp edges of the letter, and Hinata was sure he caught a whiff of his scent. Salty, sweaty, yet fresh and cool. How familiar.
He opens it, and the first thing he pulls out was a small note.
To the future tense and beyond, as promised.
Is this special enough? I'm written there so you won't forget.
I love you so much. Thank you for everything.
You made me very happy.
― Yours, Kageyama
Hinata wasn't surprised. Kageyama knew him very well to the point wherein he knew the right words that'll send his heart splintering to a billion pieces. He was about to throw the envelope away, when he accidentally shakes it. And there was a strange little noise in response; there was something else inside.
He opens his hand, and a ring drops on his palm.
He stares at it, bewildered. It was small and shiny and gray, the mix of light and dark.
Carved inside it was the kanji of shadow. A small 影, too small to be noticed.
In his grave, Kageyama wore a ring with the kanji of sun, 日, etched on it.
Hinata felt the urgent need to cry, but he closed his eyes instead, and smiled, because he remembered a new fragment of the last night Kageyama smiled for him.
I wish there was a way for me to sound more sincere, but I was never good with words, he spoke slowly, his voice rough yet pleasant. His eyes wander around the room until it lands on Hinata, and he smiles. So I'll give you something special instead. That's my promise.
"Present tense, Tobio," Hinata whispers, slipping the metal loop on his ring finger. It fit him perfectly.
I'll keep it this time. I swear.
That day, he was packed. There was no reason for him to stay here any longer. He passed his college entrance exams and was ready to move out from their house and to Tokyo. He rode the movers' truck, and waved goodbye to his mother and sister. He left his bike as a remembrance. He brought Kageyama's keepsakes and the letter with him. The ring remained on his finger, and he was smiling.
No one's really heard from Hinata ever since, but he was somewhere.
There were often no flowers on Kageyama's grave, but sometimes someone would leave a bouquet of blue and lavender chicories.
It was an achromatic grave, standing among many others, easily overlooked because of the uniformity. And maybe, in the near future, the sender might just stop sending flowers, because a) they now give flowers to someone else (someone far more special, because dead people are dead, and the living matter more), b) the dead can't be revived by any meaningful flora, and c) sometimes, you just have to toughen up and carry on.
But it goes on.
Up to the future.
“I thought, the most beautiful thing in the world must be the shadow.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar