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The “Keep Private Lives Private” campaign wasn’t ever something Jinsol questioned. She was born into it and it didn’t really affect her in any way. The campaign turned law was initiated years before Jinsol was born. Her parents, one of the few couples that wholeheartedly supported this movement, frequently raved to her at a young age saying how wonderful this new law was. Naturally, she took on the same viewpoints.
There was no point in public displays of affection. She figured that if you love someone, you wouldn’t need to show it to the world. Love is a private business so everyone should keep it quiet.
Most of the people born after the initiation of the law felt the same way, content with the ways of the world. The law, by no means, hindered the flourishment of relationships and according to her parents, relationships have become stronger because of it. Something about the sanctity of relationships being preserved without the corruption of the public eye.
Jinsol believed in all of that. She believed in keeping private lives private. She believed that love can and should be expressed privately. But her beliefs only persisted until she met Jungeun.
Jungeun thought the whole thing was ridiculous. She thought government influence on private lives would result in the total domination of free will among the public. She believed that love shouldn’t be restrained and restricted by government officials. She was one of the few people born into the law that despised it.
It’s a wonder how Jinsol and Jungeun gravitated towards each other.
But they did.
The beginning of their relationship started as a loose friendship. Their opposing beliefs put them at odds most of the time, resulting in a butting of heads and a couple of arguments. In all those arguments though, something else cropped up. Private displays of affection. Arguments ended up with a kiss on the cheek to apologize, but as time went on, the kisses moved closer and closer to the mouth.
++
“What if they told you that you weren’t allowed to sing in public?”
“That’s ridiculous. They would never do that, Jungeun.” Much like all their other arguments, this one practically started out of the blue. Jinsol made one comment about the couple that was fined for kissing in public and all hell broke loose.
“They made affection illegal, Jinsol. Affection!” Jungeun throws her hands up in the air and Jinsol fights the feeling of adoration. It’s just a stupid crush and they would never be compatible anyways.
“Because affection should be private! I don’t want to see people going at it when I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch!” Jungeun groans and Jinsol doesn’t know why she fights anymore. She doesn’t even really believe in this stuff anymore. Not since she met Jungeun. Maybe it’s habit.
“They made affection and passion illegal. Singing is a passion.” Jinsol opens her mouth to counter, but Jungeun puts her hand up. “There are other passions that they could take away and then brainwash us into thinking it’s for the greater good!”
“Okay. Mercy. I don’t wanna argue anymore.” Jungeun smiles in victory and leans in to give Jinsol a kiss on the cheek, her little way of ending the argument. As she leans in, Jinsol can’t help but turn her head a little bit. The peck lands on her lips.
That definitely hasn’t happened before and Jinsol doesn’t know why she did that. She couldn’t help it! Suddenly she remembers that Jungeun wasn’t trying to kiss her on the lips, but on the cheek. She looks up to apologize, but Jungeun cups her hands around her face and they share their second kiss.
It’s short, but it’s weighted. Though, neither of them knows what to do with this newfound aspect of their friendship. She doesn’t want to, but a part of Jinsol believes Jungeun may have kissed her just to prove a point about the inevitability of romantic affection. As if to say there’s nothing wrong with wanting to express affection.
Logically, that doesn’t make sense. They’re in the comfort of Jinsol’s apartment and the privacy it brings, but Jinsol lets her mind wander.
They don’t talk about it.
Jinsol kind of wishes they’d have another argument just so she’d be able to taste those lips again.
++
Life goes on for a few months. Jinsol picking fights with Jungeun just to have an excuse to make up. Sometimes it ends with a kiss on the cheek and sometimes on the lips, but both make Jinsol’s heart palpitate erratically.
The strength of this crush emerged without warning or maybe it was always there, building, growing until the weight of it all felt like it could physically crush Jinsol. Turns out that a side effect of supporting the “Keep Private Lives Private” law was emotional stunting. Jinsol felt that side effect tenfold. Strangely enough, despite her vehement rejection of the law, Jungeun wasn’t the most emotionally receptive either.
It’s been months since their first kiss and they’ve shared many more as the days passed by, but neither of them addresses the growing elephant in the room. It’s easier to pick a fight when the tension is already there. Besides, Jinsol is far too scared to talk about feelings and emotions. She’s pretty sure she’d explode if she did. The beating of her heart thumps like the ticking of a time bomb.
With every touch, smile, kiss, Jinsol’s heart beats faster and the time on the bomb dwindles the same.
During a particularly heated argument, one where Jungeun stops midway to put her hair up and swings her hands around frantically, Jinsol’s heartbeat reaches absurdly high beats per minute and the time ticks down to zero.
“I love you.”
She doesn’t know why she said that and clearly, Jungeun doesn’t either judging by the shock in her eyes and agape mouth. Jungeun was still red from arguing, but the tint deepened at the confession.
“Wait what?” Jungeun mutters, still in shock. Jinsol was right, these emotions are not for her. She may not have physically exploded, but she sure as hell wishes she had.
“Nothing. Forget it.” Jinsol packs up her things, longing for the quiet and solitary of her own apartment. Longing for space away from Jungeun. She’s going to need a lot of it.
Jungeun doesn’t let her pack though. She takes Jinsol’s bag from her hands and throws it to the other side of the room.
“Hey!”
“You can’t just say that and run away!” What started as shock in her eyes turns to fury. It usually made Jinsol’s heart pound with affection, but now, it’s just pain. She doesn’t do feelings she doesn’t do it because she knows she’ll get hurt and what’s the point of doing anything that results in hurt?
“Just let me go, Jungeun.” Jinsol pushes past Jungeun and hurries to pick up her bag and its strewn contents. For someone who doesn’t do feelings, Jinsol is feeling them. She battles the tears that threaten to spill out. The embarrassment alone is enough to make Jinsol hide away from civilization for at least a year.
Her efforts aren’t enough and a sad, lone tear trickles down her face. She tries hard to wipe it away before Jungeun could see, but the other girl is staring so intently at her that she would notice if a single hair moved out of place. “Jinsol…”
“I’m just gonna go now.” Jinsol whispers, throat too constricted to speak freely. She gathers up the rest of her belongings and swiftly moves past Jungeun, careful not to touch her. She wouldn’t be able to handle that.
She doesn’t look back when she exits Jungeun’s apartment and instead, goes straight to her own, desperate to open a bottle of tequila and let the burn of alcohol mask the burn of her own idiotic mistake.
Her phone buzzes incessantly as if it were a continuous feature of her phone and not the never-ending messages and calls from Jungeun. She turns her phone off.
++
The next few days are treacherous. Jinsol coops up in her house only leaving to go to work or pick up food delivery from her front door, but that’s not really considered leaving her house. Her other friends ask her why she’s been so radio silent lately and even ask how Jungeun is doing, but they soon realize that Jungeun is sort of a taboo subject at the moment.
It’s only been a couple of days, but Jinsol realizes just how difficult it is for her to free herself of Jungeun. She’s this constant image in the back of her mind, a constant scent she aches to smell, a constant taste she craves. Funny videos she finds online aren’t as funny when she can’t send it to Jungeun. Research isn’t as intriguing when she can’t rave about it to Jungeun. Nothing is the same and nothing is as good as when Jinsol gets to share it with her.
Unsurprisingly, she gives in. Her yearning for Jungeun outweighs all the heartbreak and embarrassment she feels. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t cringe whilst sending a pitiful message to the other girl asking to hang out. She’s certain she’ll regret it in a couple of hours. Maybe even delete it from her message history to try to delete it from her brain.
But Jungeun responds promptly. In 37 seconds to be exact. Not that Jinsol was counting.
Jungeun shows up 11 minutes later, somehow shaving off 4 minutes of her usual travel time and it barely gives Jinsol the chance to tidy up her apartment. She has enough take-out boxes to last a lifetime.
When she hears 3 quick raps at her door, Jinsol springs up, steeling herself for what she knows will be an awkward time. Jinsol opens the door and holds her breath, the sight of Jungeun already making her breathless. It’s silent for a couple of seconds, mirroring their silence, or better yet Jinsol’s silence towards Jungeun, for the past couple of days, but just like their meeting now, the silence is broken.
“Hi” Jinsol whispers softly. A part of her is scared, well all of her is scared, but she’s also relieved to see that Jungeun still wants anything to do with her despite the fact that she just ghosted her after dropping the atomic bomb that was her confession.
Jungeun gives her a soft smile, but Jinsol knows it’s strained. She wants to believe that it was because of their time apart, but Jinsol isn’t one for wishing and hoping. She lets Jungeun into her apartment and the tension between them grows to the point where she’s sure she could cut it with a knife.
“Why did you invite me here?” Jungeun asks half accusatory, half curiously.
Jinsol sighs and leads the both of them to the couch in the living room. She regrets not turning on the TV, it would’ve made her silence a bit more bearable.
Jinsol ponders her response. Either she could be completely honest and leave herself open and vulnerable to rejection or she could mask the pain, mask what they’ve been through just to have Jungeun within her reach for a while longer. She chooses the latter.
“It’s been a couple of days, so I just wanted to hang out again.” Jinsol tries to replicate the beaming smile she’d always give Jungeun, but it falls short.
Jungeun clenches her jaw, growing frustrated with how Jinsol is acting. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” Jinsol knows exactly what she’s doing, but she can’t address it. She can’t own up to it.
“You told me you love me and then you ran away. You invited me here and now you’re running away again.” The disappointment in Jungeun’s eyes breaks Jinsol, but she keeps up the façade.
“I’m not running away.” In an attempt to support her claim, Jinsol puts on a brave look, crossing her eyes, ready for an argument. Maybe this will get them back to how they used to be.
Junguen shakes her head and starts to stand. “Don’t play games with me. If you’re going to keep doing this, don’t even bother talking to me again.”
In a panic, Jinsol stands, wanting so badly to stop Junguen from walking out the door, but it’s like her mouth is stitched shut. She feels like a doll with no pull-string. She feels lifeless. All she can do is stand as she watches Jungeun reach the door.
Jungeun moves to grab the knob, but hesitates, almost asking Jinsol to make her stay, but as Jinsol’s silence persists, she takes one last look behind her before she walks away.
Jinsol is rooted in her spot for what seems like hours. She replays their encounter over and over and over again until her mind morphs it into something it’s not. She imagines Jungeun yelling, screaming, looking at her with disgust. She imagines a different reality, one where Jungeun hates her. It would be better than the sheer disappointment and hurt she saw from her.
**
When the clock strikes midnight, Jinsol is still in the living room, attempting to digest what had happened hours earlier. She thought the fear of rejection was bad, but it had nothing on the pain she felt at the thought of losing Jungeun forever. She whispers to herself, saying how stupid she is as if it were a mantra and after ten minutes of this constant beratement. She realizes she’s had enough. She could change their future if she just got enough courage for a couple of minutes.
Jinsol knows what she has to do.
10 minutes of psyching herself up later, Jinsol turns up at Jungeun’s apartment. It’s raining now, pretty heavily in fact, but Jinsol can’t bring herself to care. The only thing on her mind is Jungeun and making things right between the two of them.
She pounds on the door, ensuring Jungeun could hear through the noise of the storm. She’s sure it was loud enough for the neighbors to hear.
Jinsol sees the light in her apartment flicker on and quick footsteps rushing to the door. She hears the peephole open and close, but the door doesn’t open. She waits and waits for 10 minutes and with no sign of entry, she thinks she’s made the biggest mistake of her life letting Jungeun leave earlier.
Jinsol turns to leave, dejected and fully prepared to sob the night away, but the door creaks open.
“Get inside.” Jungeun says hoarsely.
“Thank you.” Jungeun leads Jinsol to the couch and quickly runs upstairs. A new wave of panic sets in, maybe Jungeun pitied her and didn’t want her in the storm any longer.
Jinsol’s thoughts run wild with all of the possibilities, but Jungeun returns carrying a towel, dry clothes, and a blanket. “Put this on. You’ll get sick.”
Jinsol smiles gratefully, but Jungeun looks stone-faced. It’s unnerving. She turns away to change and gathers as much courage as she can possibly muster.
“I’m sorry.” Jinsol says as she turns around.
Jungeun looks skeptical and asks, “For what?”
Jinsol takes a deep breath and swallows hard. Here goes everything.
“I’m sorry for running away. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to keep us apart when all I’ve ever wanted was for us to be together. I was stupid and you didn’t deserve that.” Jinsol pauses for a second, silently asking Jungeun for permission to continue. Jungeun gives a small nod and crosses her arms.
“I love you. I want to be with you, and I’ll scream it from the rooftops every day. I’ll treat you like you deserve every day for as long as you’ll have me.” Jinsol can feel her heart beating in her throat and the silence just makes it worse. Jungeun remains unmoving until a small smile creeps up onto her face.
“Screaming that you love me from the rooftops could be considered public displays of affection.”
Jinsol smiles, “I’d break that stupid law for you.”
“So, I won the argument?”
Jinsol looks at Jungeun confused for a second, wondering what argument she’s talking about seeing as they’ve had a lot of them, but she soon understands. It was the beginning of their entire relationship, the foundation from which they were built. The “Keep Private Lives Private” law brought them together, but their rebellion from it will keep them together.
“I guess you did.” Jinsol says with a laugh and just like all of their previously resolved arguments, Jungeun leans in and gives Jinsol a kiss.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
**
The following morning, Jungeun and Jinsol stroll around the town, visiting little bakeries and otherwise enjoying each other’s company. All while holding hands. Screw the “Keep Private Lives Private” law.