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Giving birth to their oldest, Dani knew she was experiencing the worst pain imaginable. She was convinced she would surely rip in two before their daughter’s cries filled the air. Then Dani had her in her arms. A soft ball of nothing that Dani now understood her life revolved around. That soft cry, so confused and overwhelmed.
Malcolm could hardly stand on his feet. Those tiny little fingers wrapped around one of his.
“She’s-She’s-” he’d looked at her, tears caught in his throat. No one told him about this part. That his heart would feel so big like it would just burst out of his chest and the hurt. Hurt so wonderfully well. “She’s beautiful, Dani.”
Marriage is nothing like parenting.
“I don’t want to be married to someone who can’t take care of themselves!” Dani throws a pillow at Malcolm. Her anger burning bright but she still knows better than yelling loud enough to wake the four-year-old sleeping down the hall. The four-year-old starting to wonder why Daddy acts so weird. Why Mommy works so long.
Malcolm runs his hands over his tired face,” Dani, I’m trying. Can’t you see?” He throws his hands up,” oh, wait. I forgot. You’re the only one allowed to feel anything anymore!” He shakes his head, his voice losing its heat but still pleading. “You go out there and you get to be the badass detective. I stay here and my mother thinks my mental health is dwindling. Ainsely calls all the time because she’s just waiting for me to fuck-up.” He sighs, heavily. “Even you! You see I’m exhausted, the food stain on my shirt, but I’m the one that gets up an hour before you do. I make breakfast, I take care of the girls. All by myself. While you’re out there-”
Dani’s face is a flash of rage,” fuck you, Malcolm. You’re the one that said you wanted to be a stay at home dad. No one forced you to stop consulting. We could easily-”
Malcolm shakes his head, knowing she’s about to bring up a nurse again. “No! I know we agreed I’d stay with her. I’m just tired!” He sits down, heavily. He leans over himself, hands over his face. Dani suddenly feels guilty. He looks exhausted, she can see it consumes his every movement. It’s so bad and that’s… Her fault too. She can’t be certain he hasn’t defaulted to old habits. And if he has then she can’t blame him.
She realizes that they aren’t talking to one another anymore. When she comes home he’s pretending to sleep on his side of the bed. She eats alone and when she goes to bed, he doesn’t rollover. Not that she tries either. “Oh Malcolm,” his name escapes her mouth in defeat. Her feet carrying her to him, her body yearning to melt into his. She sits down on her knees, wrapping her arms around his shoulders,” what happened to us?”
He chuckles deeply. He doesn’t look up, he just shrugs his shoulders. After a moment, he moves so that he’s leaning into her hug. He puts his head on her shoulder, easing into her. It feels natural like this, numb. “I don’t know.”
Her hand comes to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. She can feel him tense, surprised he doesn’t whisper something about her cold hands. The warmth of his body seeps into hers and he eases back into her. She smiles,” wanna take a shower? I won’t make it too hot.”
She can feel his smile pressed into her neck. His answer comes in a hot puff against her bare neck igniting a feeling in the pit of her stomach. His answer is surprising,” I don’t think I can.”
She frowns but she exactly what he isn’t saying. The sweater he’s wearing that fit him perfectly when they bought it last spring but is now too loose around his arms. The tired, sluggish way he’d been moving. His body now melted so completely into her. “Oh Malcolm,” she’d sworn, promised to keep him safe. That she would be his line, she’d never let him get like before. “When was the last time you ate?”
He winces. He doesn’t pull away and that’s all Dani needs to know. It means he hasn’t given up. “I made smoothies with lunch. I-I couldn’t keep- I can’t keep anything down.”
Dani kisses his cheek, guilt wracking her stomach. She just hopes that they can fix this rut. Things have been rough but she doesn’t want to live her life without him. “Come to the kitchen? I’ll make you a grilled cheese?” She pulls back, cupping his stubbly cheeks in her hands,” will you try? For me?”
He looks so much more exhausted when his eyes meet hers. The way he seems to fight even for that small movement. He cups his hand over hers, smiling softly,” always.”
And for some reason, they have another child. A little girl, just like the last, and she looks just like Dani. “Thank God,” Malcolm says softly, the same thing he said last time. Only this time, he’s holding their five-year-old. Her eyes just like his and overjoyed at this small creature before her.
“Woah!” Gil greets them at the door, smiling as Zoe breezes straight past him. He laughs at his granddaughter, watching her tear off the guest room for toys no doubt. His attention quickly shifts to the squirming bundle attached to Dani’s chest. He gasps, coming down the steps to help Dani into the house. “God, she’s so small. I don’t remember Zoe being this small.”
Dani rolls her eyes,” I don’t remember Zoe crying this much.”
Malcolm is right behind her, tissues stuffed up his nose. He drops the three bags they brought, why two tiny girls need three bags is beyond him. He’s just the pack mule.
“Oh,” Gil turns from having extracted the baby from Dani’s arms to see Malcolm. “What happened to you?” When Malcolm ‘retired’ Gil threw a party for the grey hairs the kid caused him. Then Malcolm knocked Dani up and Gil realized his hair would never be safe. However, he does prefer Family Man Malcolm over Manic Malcolm. It’s a good, healthy look.
Zoe comes into the living room, having shed the five layers of clothes she had over her pajamas in the guest room. She crawls straight up onto the couch and into Gil’s lap. Settling in, even letting him tuck a blanket around her. She has to be tired after having Malcolm chase her all day at the park and refusing to take a nap.
Malcolm coughs into his elbow, wincing at the way it makes his head pound a little harder.
“Man flu,” Dani explains, laying out the baby’s bottle and a pacifier for Gil’s convinces. “He put a tissue up his nose because it’s ‘efficient’.” She rolls her eyes,” Harvard really paid for itself.” She brushes a hand down her pants and stands,” okay. Everything is right here. Should be easy to find.”
Dani kisses Zoe and the baby’s head, she turns back to Zoe,” be good for grandpa. Okay? Daddy and I are just going back home. If you need anything,” this is stressed more to Gil,” anything, just call.”
Gil rolls his eyes. He pats Zoe’s leg,” we’ll be fine. I helped raise Malcolm. These two are a breeze compared to him.”
Malcolm rolls his eyes but Dani can see how that might be true. For starters, Malcolm is a whiny, clingy, man flu kind of guy and Zoe, at 3, could get out of the bed and to the bathroom in time before she puked.
“I love you.”
Zoe’s already got a thumb in her mouth and distracted by the movie Gil’s struggling to make play.
“Hey,” Dani’s half in the doorway, Malcolm holding her hand and trying to get her out the door. Zoe looks up,” I said I love you.”
Zoe grins,” love you too!”
Dani thought love would be different.
Love used to be taller, darker, and he was stronger. He liked punk rock and wore jeans with holes in them. Love used to sing loudly in the car, carry a melody, and he hated the same shows as she did. Love used to kiss her neck instead of saying sorry. Love used to smash his fist into the counter and tell her she should be grateful he wasn’t a ‘lesser man’. Love…
Isn’t what she thought he would be.
Love is Malcolm.
“If I opened a Yoohoo last week, can I still drink it?”
Love isn’t tall. Love is 5’7 and puts his daughter on his shoulders to get things off the top shelf. Love is pale, like a ghost when he crawls under the sheets to press always warm hands against her body. Love is strong but not physically. Love is scrawny and bony in places love used to have so much muscle. Love can’t sing and he likes musicals. Love doesn’t like House or Grey’s Anatomy. Love cries when he gets angry and apologizes too much. Love tells her she’s beautiful, that he’s so lucky, that he loves her. Love is broken and so is she.
“I love you,” she runs a hand against the way his hair grows. Smiling at the way it sticks out all over his head. He blinks awake, shifting on the couch and moving until his head is buried in her stomach. How could she forget? Love is a cuddler.
He groans, suddenly unable to move because he’s got Zoe tangled around his waist and a sleeping toddler on his chest. She soothes the groan out with her fingers, playing with his hair until he eases back into a half-sleep. “-id you say some’in?”
She smiles down at him. There was a point in their relationship that she thought all the touching he did was aggravating. He would constantly brush his hand against hers but couldn’t hold her hand for more than five minutes. Now, she catches herself brushing her knuckles against his like it’s nothing. She can’t wait to come home and cuddle on the couch. She loves it when he’s so drowsy from whatever adventure he took their kids on that he just flops onto the couch and puts his head in her lap.
“I said I love you.”
He makes a grunting noise at the back of his throat. He tucks his arms against his chest and she decides she can forgive him for not saying it back. Even when he lets out a cute little snore a second later. Zoe wakes him a second later, mid snore. She, herself, is not awake but her skinny little elbow moves and digs into Malcolm’s thigh.
He blinks awake, shifting them both so that Zoe’s head is cradled on his thigh and her elbows and knees are both away from any tender parts of his anatomy. He sighs, rubbing his eyes, and yawning. He glances back at her, down at her lap, and decides to lay back down. It takes him only a moment to settle.
He looks up at her, just a scrawny goofball in love. He reaches up and cups her cheek,” how did I get so lucky?”
She just shrugs. How did she get so lucky? To marry someone who trusts her the way he does. Who stopped consulting because he wanted to try and have kids with her. To stay home and face the weird looks they get when he tells people he’s a stay at home dad.
He doesn’t see his father anymore either. There are questions that she knows he has, things that wake him up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. The questions just aren’t as important as their children. The kids who have never heard of ‘The Surgeon’. Who thinks the only grandfather they have is Grandpa Gil who gives them too many sweets and has a cool office with even more sweats. They have Jessica who makes a much better grandmother than a mother.
“Wanna put them in the bed? I’ll run a bath?” She grins at just how excited he gets at the word ‘bath’.
He nods, already gathering the baby in one arm and Zoe in the other. “Oh, God, I love you. I haven’t bathed since Tuesday, Dani.” He’s got both their kids in his arms and still leans down and kisses her. “I do-I love you.”
She watches him disappear down the hall and she smiles. He’s such a dork but… he’s her best friend.