Work Text:
Renjun
With a hurried pace, fourteen-year-old Renjun quickly maneuvered his way towards the end of the hallway. It was muscle memory to his feet, the pathway from the cafeteria to the classroom where his friend waited. Impatiently, he may add, from the way his friend kept blowing up his phone the second the bell rang. Donghyuck knew Renjun had to get lunch first; he’s been getting school lunches since the first day of school. That knowledge didn’t stop Donghyuck, however, from telling Renjun to come ASAP every two seconds. Renjun could take his sweet time getting to Donghyuck just to spite him, but he also didn’t want to anger the other boy. He knew first hand how ugly it would be to get on Donghyuck’s bad side.
Renjun arrived at last in the classroom. Near the beginning of the school year, Donghyuck declared it as their “designated spot”. The classroom sat at the end of the hallway, almost always empty and open. Donghyuck probably talked to a teacher and asked them if he could use the classroom for lunch. Renjun always admired how his friend could make connections so easily and use them to his advantage.
Unsurprisingly, Donghyuck had a lot of friends. He could have easily spent his lunchtime with other people, but he always chose to be with Renjun. He also knew how much Renjun valued silence and purposely found a spot where Renjun was able to hear himself think. Sometimes, though, Renjun thought that Donghyuck could also use the tranquility of the classroom, and be away from the rowdiness of other students.
Renjun opened the door and almost dropped his lunch. His eyes locked with someone who definitely wasn’t his friend. Sitting in the classroom was not only Donghyuck but another person Renjun was all too familiar with. Well, familiar in the sense that Renjun spends a majority of English class staring at him more than the board. Renjun tried to recollect himself and put on the most neutral expression he can muster. Without even looking he could feel Donghyuck smirking at him. Well, there went his quiet lunch break.
…
Renjun would have never imagined himself at a college party. He also wouldn’t have ever imagined him kissing the living daylights out of Jaemin, but there he was shamelessly smashing his lips with a very obviously drunk Jaemin. Guilt built up in his guts as quickly as it faded away as he felt Jaemin’s tongue down his throat. He was going to regret this, just like how he regretted the other hundred times he let himself get carried away by Jaemin’s lips.
He doesn’t know how it started. He wished he could just go back in time and make sure it never did. Sure, kissing Jaemin felt amazing, but the shame that came the morning after wasn’t very pleasant. Renjun’s pretty sure that Jaemin remembered them, but he always acted like nothing happened, as if everything was fine between the two of them.
Renjun couldn’t help but let out a moan, which made Jaemin even more desperate than he already was. There were more teeth than tongue and Renjun reveled in it. If it really came down to it, Renjun would let Jaemin do anything to him and that thought terrified Renjun.
It was easy to just let Jaemin kiss him like Renjun was everything to him; those moments made Renjun really feel alive. He wanted to feel like Jaemin wanted him. He wanted to believe in the sweet nothings Jaemin whispered in his ears. The mornings still hurt, though. Renjun would wake up in their shared dorm room, Jaemin would be looking at him like nothing changed like Renjun was still only his best friend. Renjun doesn’t talk about it either. He never was fond of getting hurt.
…
Renjun’s heartbeat quickened as he dashed to the classroom. He realized that he was running a lot lately, but he really couldn’t help it. It was one of the few times he could be with Jaemin. Though he would never say it, Renjun was thankful for Donghyuck. He was the friend that pulled Renjun out of his bubble. He was the one that really got Renjun and Jaemin together. Without him, Renjun would still be pining uselessly over Jaemin. He probably would have never tried to shoot his shot, either.
He abruptly stopped in front of the classroom, almost tripping over his own feet. He took a deep breath and tried to fix his hair. No matter how many days have passed since they first started dating, Renjun couldn’t help but feel nervous around Jaemin. He could already feel his hands starting to sweat. He really couldn’t help it; it was Jaemin, after all. He tried to compose himself as he opened the door, Jaemin beaming at him. Renjun could already feel his heart racing. Jaemin’s smile was always his weakness.
When Renjun and Jaemin told Donghyuck that they were dating, Donghyuck started eating lunch somewhere else to give the two time alone. No matter how much the couple insisted that they were fine with Donghyuck being there, Donghyuck would pretend to vomit and say something about not wanting to see them act lovey-dovey in front of him. Renjun didn’t say it, but he was grateful for his friend for giving him some time with Jaemin.
Despite what Donghyuck may say, Renjun and Jaemin didn’t really show a lot of PDA. They hadn’t really done anything beyond holding hands and hugging each other. Their peers might have thought it was weird that they haven’t kissed yet, but Renjun thought it was alright to go at their own pace. Besides, they would have plenty of time together.
…
“So you’re telling me Jaemin has been drunk kissing you and you’re only telling me now?” Donghyuck questioned Renjun.
Donghyuck closed his laptop and cleared the table where the two were currently seated. They were at the university’s library, tucked in the corner of the second floor near the history section. Donghyuck had stumbled upon the sort-of-hidden spot one day and claimed it as his go-to spot for studying. It was also the spot Donghyuck would go to to make out with Jeno. Renjun figured that out by accident, much to his horror.
Donghyuck and Jeno were high school sweethearts. It always amazed Renjun how they stayed together for so long, but at the same time, it made sense. Everyone could tell that they were made for each other. It would be a lie if Renjun said he wasn’t envious of their relationship. They’d been together for four years, while Renjun could barely keep a relationship for four months.
Renjun put his hands in his pockets and sunk deeper into his chair. “It’s not something I can just casually tell you.”
“You can tell me everything,” Donghyuck placed his hand on Renjun’s, “but isn’t this a good thing? Haven’t you been wanting to get in his pants since--”
“NO!” Renjun’s cheeks flushed. “What the fuck.”
The younger simply laughed. “Whatever you say.” Donghyuck ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “But honestly you should talk to Jaemin about it.”
Renjun bit his lip. “Talk about what?”
Donghyuck raised his eyebrow. “Your feelings? Renjun you know that this isn’t going to end well if you two don’t talk about it and you telling me about this and not about you two dating is a sign that you two haven’t been completely honest with each other.”
Silence engulfed the room as Renjun contemplated what Donghyuck just said. It didn’t quite sit well on Renjun’s stomach, but he knew voicing out his doubts to Donghyuck would only just have them be talking for hours on end and Renjun had a paper due midnight that he didn’t start. For now, Renjun pushed his doubts to the back of his mind. He knew that he and Jaemin needed to talk sooner or later. He should probably just tell him his feelings and get it over with.
“Yeah, I should,” Renjun whispered mostly to himself.
…
Renjun increased the volume of his music to drown out the yelling coming from the other room. His eyes stared blankly at his algebra textbook as he hummed along to some My Chemical Romance song that his neighbor Chenle recommended him. He didn’t really know when his parents started fighting or why, but he tried not to think about it too much since it always led to him blaming himself.
It was easier to ignore his family issues whenever he was with Jaemin. Even thinking about him made Renjun smile. Recently, however, Jaemin hadn’t been interacting with Renjun as much. This was Renjun’s first relationship so he didn’t want to seem clingy. He looked at his delivered message from two hours ago and sighed.
…
Renjun carefully placed a venti Starbucks cup right in front of a sleeping Jaemin. In the morning he had overheard Jaemin panicking about not having enough time to get his coffee. Renjun didn’t understand the appeal of coffee as he is an avid supporter of tea, but he understood that Jaemin needed a lot caffeine in his blood. Last semester, Renjun tried to convince Jaemin that he shouldn’t sign up for 8 am classes as a bioengineering major. Jaemin, stubborn as he was, insisted that he worked best in the morning. Renjun thought that was bullshit because Jaemin took forever to get up in the morning and spent half of last semester pulling all-nighters.
Quietly, Renjun sat next to Jaemin and pulled out his phone. There were a few minutes before Jaemin’s class would start.
“You’re in my seat.”
Renjun looked up at the source of the voice. There stood a boy about the same age as him, wearing the official college hoodie with jeans. He looked as exhausted as Jaemin and a bit annoyed.
“Oh sorry,” Renjun apologized and stood up immediately.
The stranger looked Renjun up and down. “You’re not in this class.”
Renjun nodded.
The stranger hummed and, as if a lightbulb popped in his head, he gasped in surprise. He stared at Renjun wide-eyed. “You’re Renjun!”
“Yes…”
The boy started giggling. “You’re the boy that Jaemin’s been crying over!”
Renjun tilted his head to the side, “The boy that Jaemin what?”
The stranger ignored his question and gave Renjun a firm handshake. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Yangyang!”
Yangyang nodded, “Yeah I can see why Jaemin’s so whipped.” He looked over Renjun’s shoulders. “And you even bought him coffee wow boyfriend material.”
“Umm.”
“Don’t worry,” he pat Renjun’s shoulders, “Jaemin is all yours.”
Renjun blushed. “Huh?”
Other students trickled in and Renjun used that as his cue to leave. Yangyang seemed like he had more to say, but Renjun didn’t really have the emotional capacity to be dealing with him right now, and with the whole lecture hall to hear. He also would rather have this talk with Jaemin--which he should have done a while ago. It’s been a month since he talked with Donghyuck about how he and Jaemin needed to communicate. Confrontations were never Renjun’s strength. It was the same for Jaemin, too, apparently. They both know that they should talk about it. There was always this suffocating feeling every morning after their whole fiasco. No one says anything, almost like everything will come crashing down if one of them acknowledged it ever happened.
There was a reason why Jaemin hadn’t asked Renjun to get him coffee when usually he would. There was a reason why Jaemin always left their dorm room before Renjun woke up when usually they would eat breakfast together. There was a reason why their texts had been so dry as of late. There was a reason why Jaemin would spend most of his day at the university library when he used to coop himself up in the dorm room for ages.
A reason that they both didn’t want to admit.
…
Renjun settled in his chair, fully committed to studying for his psychology exam next week when Jaemin barged into their room and walked immediately to Renjun.
Before Renjun could even say anything Jaemin asked in a panic, “What did Yangyang say to you?”
Renjun glanced over his unopened psychology textbook and looked over Jaemin. “Nothing,” he shrugged.
Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Bullshit.”
Renjun stared blankly at the other. “Why does it even matter?”
“Because,” Jaemin bit his lip.
“Because?” Renjun gestured for him to continue, but Jaemin just stood there silently. Renjun sighed. “If you’re not gonna say anything else can you leave so I can study.”
“Renjun,” the younger pouted.
Renjun hummed. He settled with giving Jaemin a half-truth that should satisfy him. With a straight face, Renjun said, “He told me you were madly in love with me.”
Renjun expected Jaemin to laugh it out like usual. It wasn’t the first time someone thought the both of them were in love with the other. Jaemin would laugh and say something about how they’re best friends and of course they love each other. Instead, Jaemin looked absolutely terrified like he just saw a ghost.
“Jaemin?”
“That little shit,” Jaemin whispered to himself before he dashed off.
Renjun stared blankly at the spot where Jaemin had stood, trying to make sense of Jaemin’s reaction. He pushed the thought of Jaemin loving him back to the deep corners of his mind.
…
“We should break up.”
Renjun foresaw this happening. Jaemin had been avoiding him for the past month. Donghyuck had been accompanying Renjun during their lunches for the past week with Jaemin nowhere to be seen.
Renjun swallowed the lump in his throat, staring at the clock in his wall, “Yeah.”
A beat of silence. “I’m sorry.”
Renjun didn’t know what Jaemin was apologizing for. Was it because he was avoiding Renjun? Was it because he was breaking up with him via phone call? Jaemin had apologized to Renjun so many times recently, it was starting to lose its meaning. Renjun didn’t want an apology, he wanted an explanation. The words seemed to get stuck in his throat and Jaemin took that silence as the end of their conversation.
Renjun didn’t get much sleep after that.
…
The thing was, Renjun never planned to fall in love with Jaemin. What he had with Jaemin when they were just fourteen, wasn’t love—infatuation maybe, but not love. Renjun didn’t cry when Jaemin broke up with him. He cried after witnessing Jaemin kiss someone in their last year of high school. He cried at the thought of Jaemin going to a different college.
Really, Renjun dug his own grave. He was the one that suggested that they stay friends. Five years ago, he really didn’t think much of it. They only dated for a few months and it wasn’t like it was a serious relationship anyway. He couldn’t have predicted that he would become closer to Jaemin and develop more feelings for him.
Maybe Renjun should have been distancing himself from Jaemin since the beginning. Maybe he shouldn’t have called Jaemin the night his parents told him about their divorce. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone to Jaemin’s house as many times as he did in high school. There were many times Renjun could have stopped and just distanced himself from Jaemin and moved on. Renjun knew, deep in his heart, that he wouldn’t have stopped even if the opportunity presented itself. He couldn’t help but run into Jaemin’s arms whenever he needed comfort.
It was ironic how he couldn’t go to Jaemin for the thing he needed the most comfort over. Instead, here he was at some random frat party drowning his feelings in alcohol. Not the most healthy coping mechanism, but he didn’t want to bother Donghyuck anymore than he already had with his Jaemin problems. Besides, Donghyuck had better things to worry about, like his boyfriend studying abroad next semester. Renjun should check up on his best friend about that.
Renjun took a sip from his red Solo cup. He didn’t really remember what he put in it, but it didn’t matter, as long as it helped him forget about a certain boy. Jaemin would usually accompany Renjun to these events. He was the one that people would invite and Renjun would be his plus one. Tonight was different; Yangyang had invited him. He somehow found Renjun’s Instagram and now Renjun was here at a random party.
Renjun maneuvered his way around the living room to find a place to sit. Thankfully, he found an open spot on a couch. He sat down and scanned the room. He was never really a fan of parties, truthfully speaking; he only went to them because of Jaemin. Renjun took another sip. He needed to stop thinking about Jaemin.
“Renjun!” Yangyang waved at the other side of the living room. The younger walked towards Renjun and plopped next to him. “I was looking for you.”
The older giggled. He was starting to feel a little fuzzy. “Me too.”
Yangyang raised an eyebrow, “It didn’t look like you were.”
Renjun shrugged and took another sip.
Yangyang adjusted himself to fit more comfortably on the couch. “I was surprised you actually showed up.”
“Why?” Renjun questioned.
“Because Jaemin wasn’t gonna come.”
Renjun already knew Jaemin wasn’t going to come. Of course, he knew. That was the main reason Renjun even decided to come. Jaemin was currently studying for his midterms and his phone will be on silent the whole night. Renjun planned to spend this night away from Jaemin and away from any regretful decisions he’ll most likely do when he sees Jaemin.
He was going to take another sip before realizing that the cup was empty. He needed to refill his cup. He needed this ugly feeling in his stomach to go away. It was funny how despite all the hurt, he could still feel the butterflies whenever Jaemin was mentioned. He stood up and got himself another drink.
That was the last thing he remembered when he woke up on his bed the next morning with the worst hangover he’d had in a while. It seemed that Jaemin already left for his morning classes. Renjun didn’t miss the glass of water and medicine that Jaemin left for him.
…
Jaemin
Jaemin had utterly fucked up. When Yangyang had called him with Renjun’s phone, he didn’t expect for Renjun to be a sobbing mess. The older rarely cried, which made Jaemin feel even worse when he figured out that Renjun was crying because of him. Jaemin was nothing but a coward. When Renjun had drunkenly told him he loved him, Jaemin’s stomach dropped. Renjun couldn’t love him. Not when Jaemin had already failed to give Renjun the happiness he deserved.
…
Jaemin couldn’t help but smile when Renjun had told him he liked him back. It felt like a dream. When he told Donghyuck about his little crush on a boy in his English class, he didn’t expect the other to introduce him to Jaemin. He felt so lucky to be with the boy who had been plaguing his mind for weeks on end.
The happiness didn’t last very long. Jaemin felt so inadequate. Renjun was everything he wanted, but he didn’t feel like he was what Renjun wanted. He couldn’t make Renjun laugh like Donghyuck could. He couldn’t comfort Renjun like how Renjun could comfort him. Jaemin was just there. When Renjun had told him about his parents fighting, Jaemin didn’t know what to do. Renjun looked so hurt and Jaemin hated it. Jaemin felt so useless.
Renjun needed someone who could make him happy. He needed someone who wasn’t so useless. Renjun needed someone that was much better than Jaemin. He deserved way better. When Jaemin had broken up with Renjun, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was the right choice. Renjun would find someone better.
After the breakup, Jaemin tried his best to be there for Renjun, as a good friend. Sometimes, he would think about what would have happened if they continued dating, if Jaemin had been more confident in himself. He pushed those thoughts deep into his mind. It didn’t matter anyway. He shouldn’t focus on the past. He and Renjun were best friends and Jaemin didn’t want that to change.
Or at least that was what he thought he wanted until he locked lips with Renjun. He blamed the alcohol and the loneliness getting to him. He couldn’t like Renjun. He shouldn’t. It was just an in-the-moment kind of thing. They were both just drunk. He would pretend it never happened, and everything would return back to normal. They would stay as friends and Renjun would be with someone who would make him happy.
Except he didn’t stop. He couldn’t. Not when Renjun kissed him back with so much passion like he wanted this to happen, like kissing Jaemin was something he waited to do for years. Then the morning came and Jaemin had to pretend like nothing happened. Renjun would give him an indecipherable look and Jaemin would feel so guilty. He knew he needed to talk to Renjun. Donghyuck had even given him the cold shoulder because of it. Jaemin couldn’t blame him, he was being a coward.
The thing was that he didn’t know what to tell Renjun. He didn’t know why he kissed Renjun that night and all the following nights. Yangyang had told him that he was in love with Renjun, but Jaemin didn’t believe him. He couldn’t be in love with Renjun.
…
Jaemin sighed. He finished his midterm early and decided to go to Starbucks to treat himself. He didn’t feel quite as accomplished when images of Renjun crying were still engraved in his mind. Renjun’s voice telling him he loved him replayed in Jaemin’s head. There was no way that Renjun could possibly love him. That was the one thing that Jaemin didn’t want to happen, and yet that was exactly what had happened.
Jaemin grabbed his drink and headed back to his dorm. He needed a nap, but he also didn’t want Renjun to see him right now. He knew that once he locked eyes with Renjun he might start crying, and yet his legs led him back towards the dorms. Sure enough, Renjun was standing outside their dorm room. He was conversing with someone who looked very much like a certain classmate that wouldn’t stop pestering Jaemin about his love life.
Jaemin’s intuition was right. It was Yangyang. For some reason, that fact made Jaemin’s blood boil. It didn’t make any sense why he would feel like this. Yangyang was his friend and he knew for a fact that Yangyang was head over heels for this upperclassman that Jaemin forgot the name of. Yet, when he witnessed Renjun laughing at something Yangyang said, Jaemin’s stomach started to turn. When did Renjun get so close to Yangyang? As a matter of fact, Yangyang was the one who called Jaemin with Renjun’s phone.
Jaemin gripped his cup, failing to notice the hot beverage spilling all over his clothes until both Renjun and Yangyang turned their attention to him. Renjun immediately ran towards him.
“Are you okay?” Renjun asked worriedly.
Jaemin nodded. He wasn’t really okay. He was overwhelmed with feelings he couldn’t understand and now his skin was burning from the spilled coffee. Yangyang laughing behind Renjun also did not help the amount of anger Jaemin was feeling.
“Shut up,” Jaemin seethed.
Yangyang only laughed harder. “Relax, I wasn’t flirting with Renjun if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Jaemin threw his cup at Yangyang. Much to Jaemin’s disappointment, there was barely any coffee left. “I wasn’t worried about that.”
Jaemin stole a glance at Renjun. He almost seemed disappointed, but that wouldn’t make any sense. Then, Jaemin remembered last night, and suddenly it made more sense. A lot of things made sense. The way Renjun would always look at him like he hung the stars, the way his hands would linger so close to Jaemin’s whenever they walked, the way Renjun never failed to be there for Jaemin; it all made sense. Renjun was in love with him.
Jaemin gulped.
“You good?” Yangyang asked.
Jaemin thought that Yangyang was directing the question to Renjun, but as he noticed the tears slipping from his face he knew the question was for him. “Um,” he wiped the tears away which only made it worse, “I don’t know.”
Yangyang raised a brow. “You don’t know?”
“I-“ The words got stuck in his throat. Jaemin flinched when he saw Renjun’s hand reaching towards him. “I have to go.”
Jaemin sprinted. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew he had to get away. He needed to escape. He didn’t notice Renjun following him until he heard a loud thud from the bottom of the stairs.
…
“I’m telling you I'm fine,” Renjun reassured Jaemin.
Jaemin only sobbed harder. They were in a hospital room a little while after all the last check-ups for Renjun. Jaemin had gone to see Renjun as soon as the nurse had told him he can see Renjun. The second that Jaemin saw Renjun, he started crying. It felt like Jaemin was taking this harder than the one who actually got injured. Renjun wasn’t lying when he said he was fine. He just had to wear a cast for his arm for a month. It honestly could have been worse.
“You don’t understand.” Jaemin hiccuped. “I thought you died! You weren’t responding to me and Yangyang had to call the ambulance.”
“Hey,” Renjun placed his good hand on top of Jaemin’s. He tried to give a reassuring smile once Jaemin looked up at him, “It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s only a broken arm.”
“Only a broken arm!?” Jaemin shouted.
Renjun squeezed Jaemin’s hand. “Yes, only a broken arm. You’re acting like I got run over by a car or something.”
Jaemin sighed. “Still, it was my fault though,” he muttered.
“Jaemin.”
“I keep hurting you.”
“Jaemin,” Renjun said a little more sternly.
Jaemin ignored him. “You deserve so much better than me.”
Renjun gritted his teeth. “Is that what this is all about?”
Jaemin flinched. He never really heard Renjun so angry before. He didn’t understand what he did wrong.
“You think I deserve better?” Renjun questioned. “Is that why you’ve been ignoring me? Why you haven’t been completely honest? Why you’re being confusing as hell?”
“I-“ Jaemin gulped. “I guess?”
Renjun groaned. “What do you mean you guess?”
“I don’t know okay? I don’t know why I’ve been ignoring you. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m being confusing because I’m confused too,” Jaemin rambled.
“I’m in love with an idiot.”
“I’m-“
“If you say sorry, I swear,” Renjun cut him off.
“What else am I supposed to say?” Jaemin asked exasperatedly. “That I'm too scared of not being good enough for you?”
Renjun’s eyes softened.
“Don’t,” the tears started building up again, “Don’t look at me like that.”
Renjun placed his good hand on Jaemin’s cheek, making Jaemin look up at him. “You’re more than enough JaemIn.”
Jaemin closed his eyes, with a shaky voice he said, “I just don’t want to lose you. You’re too important to me.”
…
Yangyang took a bite of his rice. “You’re being really selfish.”
The two were seated in the university’s dining hall. Jaemin had invited the other to apologize, but Yangyang kept pestering him about why he was acting the way he did. For a computer science major, Yangyang sure didn’t act like one. Maybe, he should switch to a psychology major if he was so dead set on trying to read people.
Jaemin tilted his head to the side. “How am I being selfish?”
“Are you stupid?” Yangyang scoffed. “Think about how Renjun would feel. You keep saying you only see him as a friend but lead him on.”
Jaemin crossed his arms. “I’m not leading him on.”
Yangyang rolled his eyes and put his spoon down. “Right. Like I didn’t see you sucking his face every other week.”
“Oh...” Jaemin looked down at the floor.
“And,” Yangyang sighed, “you’re really not giving Renjun a direct answer. If you want to reject him then reject him. If the feelings are mutual, then tell him. You have to be straightforward with him.”
“But I don’t know-”
“You do.” Yangyang interrupted him. “You do know,” he repeated himself. “You’re just telling yourself you don’t because you don’t want to get hurt or hurt Renjun, but if you keep up with this facade you’ll end up hurting yourself and Renjun more.”
“That's not...true.”
Yangyang picked up his spoon. “Keep telling yourself that and this is going to be a never-ending cycle.” He stared at Jaemin for a bit. “Hey, if you’re not going to shoot your shot, can I?”
“Can you what?”
Yangyang looked at Jaemin dead in the eye. “Shoot my shot with Renjun.”
“What—” Jaemin almost choked. “Since when did you like Renjun?”
Yangyang shrugged, “He’s cute.”
“Well, um, it’s not really my position to-” Jaemin got cut off from Yangyang laughing.
“I was kidding.” Yangyang let out a wheeze. “You looked like you were about to burst a blood vessel.”
“W-why would you joke about that?” Jaemin stuttered.
“Well,” Yangyang hummed, “did you like the idea of Renjun with me?”
Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows. “Not really.”
“Do you like the idea of Renjun with anyone?”
“If they make him happy,” Jaemin mumbled.
“Bullshit.” Yangyang took a sip of his water bottle.
“I mean-”
Yangyang put his water bottle down. “You don’t like the idea of Renjun with anyone that isn’t you.”
Jaemin slammed the table. “Stop interrupting me and thinking you know everything about me.”
Yangyang smirked. “The fact that I’m riling you up says a lot.”
“Shut up.” Jaemin gritted his teeth. “Just because you took intro to psych class doesn’t mean you know anything.”
“No, but I know you enough.”
…
Jaemin waited outside the lecture hall of Renjun’s last class of the day. When he saw the students leaving, he made his way to where Renjun was sitting.
“You really don’t have to follow me around and carry my backpack the whole day.”
Despite what Renjun said, he still handed Jaemin his backpack. Jaemin chuckled. “It's the least I can do for my best friend.”
“Jaemin.”
Jaemin looked back at Renjun. He also noticed that they were the only ones left in the lecture hall. “What is it?”
Renjun sighed. “Maybe we should stop.”
Jaemin felt his stomach drop. “Stop what?”
“This?” He gestured to the both of them. “We should stop being friends.”
“No...” Jaemin felt like throwing up. “We can’t.”
Renjun smiled and Jaemin wished he didn’t know that Renjun was forcing it. “I don’t think I can stay friends with you.”
…
Jaemin rarely cried. He didn’t cry when he broke up with some girl in high school. He didn’t cry at graduation. The last time he cried was when he broke up with Renjun, a memory he tried to repress. Now, he was crying over the same boy. He didn’t think he was capable of crying this much. He was a mess. He had been sobbing ever since he arrived at Yangyang’s dorm. He couldn’t bring himself to go to his dorm. There were too many things that reminded him of Renjun.
Renjun had told him he was thinking of switching roommates, but the words went in one ear and out the other. Jaemin felt so empty. It was way worse than the time Renjun had broken up with him.
Yangyang handed him a box of tissues. “You’re lucky I don’t have roommates.”
The word roommates made Jaemin sob even harder. Yangyang sighed and patted his back.
…
Sooner or later Jaemin had to go back to his dorm. It surprised him that Yangyang even let him stay a few nights. He wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared, but he made sure that he came to the dorm room when Renjun was in class. Except he wasn’t.
Jaemin froze when he opened the door and locked eyes with Renjun. “I-” He cleared his throat. “I thought you had class.”
Renjun shrugged. “My class was canceled.”
“Oh.” Jaemin went in and closed the door. “Any luck with finding a new roommate?”
Renjun stared at him and Jaemin felt like Renjun could read him like an open book. “Yeah, they said I can probably switch roommates when the semester ends.”
Jaemin blinked. “The semester ends in a week.”
Renjun nodded. “I’ll probably move out by then.”
“Is there any way I can convince you not to?” Jaemin sounded desperate, but he didn’t care anymore.
Renjun sighed, again. “Jaemin—”
“I love you.”
Renjun froze. “What?”
Jaemin could feel the tears starting to form again. “I love you, Renjun, but I’m scared that I’ll never be the person you deserve. I always hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you even more and,” he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I don’t want to hurt myself either.”
Renjun didn’t say anything.
“Fuck—” The tears started to spill out. “Yangyang was right, I’ve been so selfish.” He looked at Renjun. “I’m sorry. I really was only thinking about myself.”
Renjun gulped, “I’m sorry too.”
…
Renjun did end up moving dorms. They stopped talking too. Jaemin kind of understood why Renjun would stop interacting with him, but he still felt like shit. It did help him focus more on himself and his studies. Well, he was just trying to find something to do to make himself busy and not think about Renjun. He was sort of thankful that his classes for the Spring semester were pretty difficult or, as Yangyang described, “living hell.”
He dreaded summer vacation. It meant he would go back to his hometown and see Renjun. It meant his family questioning him about why he and Renjun weren’t as buddy-buddy anymore. Which was exactly what happened on the first day he got back. Then, suddenly, Renjun sent him a text message in the middle of the night.
Renjun
Can we meet?
Without thinking much about it, Jaemin dashed out the door. The rest of the way was a blur. He already knew where Renjun was: he was waiting on the swing set of their old elementary school’s playground. It was the place where they would always meet up. On the way there, he forgot that he never responded to Renjun’s text.
He saw Renjun sitting by himself on the swing set. Jaemin took a deep breath and tried to make it seem like he wasn’t just running. He evened out his breathing and walked towards Renjun and tapped his shoulder.
Renjun jumped, settling when he realized it was only Jaemin. “Oh, I didn’t think you would actually show up.”
Jaemin couldn’t help but smile when he saw Renjun. “I always show up.”
“I know.” Renjun looked him up and down. “You’re still wearing your pajamas.”
Jaemin looked at his clothes. “Oh, yeah. I didn’t realize. I guess I rushed coming here.”
Renjun awkwardly laughed. “That makes it seem like—”
“I’m in love with you?” Jaemin continued. “That's because I am.”
Renjun was taken aback. He cleared his throat. “I was gonna say that it makes it seem like you never changed.”
Jaemin sat down at the swing next to Renjun. “What do you mean?”
Renjun looked up at the sky. “Don’t you remember when I would call you in the middle of the night crying about who knows what and you would run here with your pajamas even when it was snowing?”
Jaemin gazed at Renjun. “That makes it seem like I was already in love with you back then.”
Renjun’s eyes met Jaemin’s. “Were you?”
“Probably.”
Renjun chuckled. “Really?”
Jaemin couldn’t help but think of how beautiful Renjun looked under the night sky. “I don’t think I ever lost feelings for you since I first laid eyes on you.”
Renjun laughed. “Since when did you get so confident?”
Without missing a beat Jaemin told him, “Ever since I stopped being in denial.”
Renjun took a deep breath. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
Renjun whispered, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Renjun smiled. “This would’ve been easier if we said this from the start, huh.” He nudged Jaemin.
“Yeah, sorry I had my head shoved up so far up my ass that I couldn’t admit my feelings.”
Renjun slapped the other boy’s arm. “Don’t say it like that.” He huffed. “It’s not like I wasn’t being an ass either.”
Jaemin rubbed his arm that Renjun had slapped. “Feelings are hard.”
“You could say that again.”
…
The rest of their Summer break consisted of cuddling and kissing but mostly cuddling. It felt so natural to just be together that Jaemin felt so stupid for even stopping himself from being with Renjun.
Jaemin laid his head on Renjun’s shoulder. “By the way,” he snuggled closer to his boyfriend, “Why did you still switch roommates even after my heartfelt confession?”
“Because,” Renjun parted Jaemin’s bangs. “I thought we needed time away from each other. We were both very emotional and I felt like we would’ve just been very impulsive. Also, I needed some time to think about myself and my feelings and I think you needed that time too.”
Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows. “Donghyuck told you that didn’t he.”
Renjun giggled. “Yup.”