Chapter Text
Petra had always loved easily. From when she was a child, trying to coax a scruffy stray out from a box, to waking early to brew coffee for her squad members. Affection came as naturally as breathing, fondness as guaranteed as the sun rising in the morning. She loved far too easily and far too much; that was who she was. It came in all different forms, from the deep familiarity she had with her father to the care and concern she carried for her squad members. Hell, even the dull fondness she felt for Auruo. It was all there, for everyone she cared about, and her comrades would joke about it. Pet, you’re just going to get yourself hurt, they would say, ruffling her hair. Petra would bat their hands away, tempted to kick them.
It wasn’t a weakness to Petra. Never had been. But if she hadn’t loved so much, maybe she wouldn’t be in the situation she was in now.
“Get up.” Levi said gruffly. He’d already retreated from the bed, partially dressed in his sleep clothes. Petra blinked drowsily at the silver moonlight streaming through his window; it was long before sunrise. It took her a moment to focus on him, seated in a chair across the room. The sheets slipped from her bare body; she shivered for a moment before she pulled them back up. Levi watched her, exhaling slightly when she moved. Not out of arousal, which she had gotten to know, but of annoyance...which she’d also come to know.
“Alright. Get out.” He said it simply, with no malice, but it stung all the same. Why should it, though? They’d agreed to their terms. He wasn’t breaking any. Of course he wasn’t. The captain didn’t break rules. Actually, he’d let her sleep for a while; a small kindness to her. So why did that hurt more?
“Of course. Sir.” Petra nodded, as she’d done a dozen times before. Despite it all, she managed a weak smile, which he didn’t reciprocate. In fact, he was already staring off into the corner of the room, not focused on her at all.
Petra swallowed back the hard lump in her throat, repressing a sigh that he would surely hear in the silence of his room. Awkwardly, she shifted off the bed, holding the sheet to her chest, and maneuvered herself back into her clothes; her military uniform, crumpled and creased on the floor. In the throes of passion, neither had been thinking of anything other than getting their clothes off and their bare skin against each other. A rarity for the captain.
There was nothing of that passion now. His under eyes were darkened from lack of sleep, his hair slightly rumpled. His sweatshirt hung loosely from his shoulders, and he rested his head in his hand, gazing lazily across the room. Occasionally his intense eyes would fall back on her, almost asking when are you going to leave?
Petra was no stranger to that look, but it was like glass shards piercing her skin every time she felt it on her body. And when she would compare it to the way he looked at her the night before, as if she was the most beautiful thing in the world, she would feel them piercing deep in her heart.
She let the sheets fall as she turned to do up the last button. Briefly, she wondered if she should leave it there. Let him tidy up after her.
Instead, she bundled it back onto the bed. Almost immediately, he came to the other side, straightening it out and tucking the corners in with concentration she only sees on the battlefield. Their eyes met for a second. Petra’s breath caught. That one, simple, unguarded look…
Pointedly, he looked to the door. Tears pricked behind Petra’s eyes, but she wouldn’t cry. Not here. “Goodnight, sir.”
The captain didn’t reply, not that she had expected him too. With that, she left his room, letting the door shut behind her as quietly as she could. Her soft footsteps were almost silent as she hurried down the hallway, all the way to the female barracks. Instead of creeping back into the dorms, she turned left, slipping out of the building and hunching against the wall. After double-checking to confirm that yes, she was alone, and yes, everyone in headquarters was asleep, she finally let herself feel.
Petra had loved her entire life. She thought she knew what it felt like. Even if her romances had been few and far between, she still felt. There was a boy in her training corps....Edger. He’d been awkward, a little too tall for her- he’d never quite filled out- but Petra felt her young, hormone-fueled heart soar and nerves bloom in her stomach. He was gentle, and kind, and everything she’d been drilled to want in a man. The perfect gentleman. Mama and Papa approved wholeheartedly, and Petra knew that they hoped that she would follow him into the Garrison and stay behind the walls. Eventually, her relationship with him fizzled out; she’d been the one to break it off completely. There’d been no great revelation, or scandal, or big, public argument. It simply just didn’t work out, and they both knew it. She still saw him around sometimes, tall and smart in his uniform. When she could, she stopped to talk. Edger, above all else, was still her friend, and Petra appreciated that more than she would say. Besides, with her career in the Survey Corps...well, Petra didn’t expect to be around enough for a long-term partner. Content with her military life, her friends, her comrades, her squad members...Petra had experienced more than enough for a woman her age in her career. There’d been fun times, and extremely fun times, and she’d known what love from a man felt like, even if hadn’t been for long.
Oh. How wrong she was.
When she first met Captain Levi, she remembered something inside her give. The tiny, fluttery, flimsy butterflies she’d felt when she met Edger was nothing compared to the absolute hurricane of nerves that exploded in her stomach. She couldn’t speak, terrified of saying the wrong thing, and made herself look like a damn fool. He was the Captain Levi, the strongest soldier ever to have fought in all three of the military branches. It was a mix of awe and excitement and nervousness all rolled up in one, and as she let herself sneak a few more glances at his strong jawline and intense eyes, maybe even attraction. Her heart would pound in her chest every time he walked by, and she would wish and wish for his gaze to pass over her at the same time she quivered from it. There was something about him , Humanity’s Strongest, a blazing enigma who was known for his ferocity and aptitude. He was a beast, spoken about almost as if he wasn’t real. But he was, and he was right in front of her, and he had chosen her for his squad. It was still the proudest moment of her life.
At first, he was a god. Untouchable. Unattainable, and to be obeyed at every cost. Petra admired him from afar, the cleanness of his turns and the force in his cuts and his unbelievably toned body. Watched him with the thoughts of a girl with a crush, and it was really nothing more than that. Aside from being unfairly good-looking, the man was cold and blunt and rude and she found it both fascinating and off-putting at the same time.
But then. She had been wandering the halls, looking for Squad Leader Hanji, when she had stumbled across a closed door, hearing the strong, steady voice of the commander from within. She couldn’t quite make out what he was saying, but then another voice spoke, his voice low and full of malice. Petra had realised with a jolt that it was the captain, and he was furious.
“Sending dozens of inexperienced soldiers as bait is the dumbest fucking idea you’ve ever had. We don’t even know if they’ll go for them. What about the abnormals? Or they take out the rookies straight away and come charging for us in the centre? You’ll kill almost all of the new recruits we have right off the bat. For what? The lives of our men, the fucking young ones, will be wasted.”
Another quiet response, followed by murmurs, which Petra interpreted as Squad Leader Mike and Hanji and others. Heavy footsteps approached the door, and she sprinted away, ducking behind a corner, watching her captain stomp out. He was furious.
On their next expedition, Petra noted that the newest recruits were sent on the outside of the formation. The captain rerouted their direction, and they’d descended on one of the newer squads as they fended off two five metres and a ten metre. Even if they hadn’t been able to save all of them, three teenagers were still living because of them. After they were carried away on the wounded cart, they’d joined up with the next squad. It was the first time she’d seen him disobey the commander. And it was that moment she fell in love with him.
Someone like him would never be interested in someone like her. At least, that’s what she thought. Late one night, she delivered him tea, purely out of courtesy. He’d looked up at her, something had swirled in the depths of his cool grey eyes, and then his lips were on hers. Nothing like she’d experienced with Edger- that had been cautious, tentative, awkward. A dry, clumsy, chaste-lipped kiss and they had burst into laughter afterward. No, this was rough and hard and passionate and she was robbed of her breath. She could’ve cried with happiness when he finally pulled back, when she recognized that look in his eyes. He wanted her. Desperately. He wanted her as much as she wanted him.
One apology and a few tense words later, she learned that he was attracted to her - and for one breathtaking, beautiful, amazing moment, she believed it. But then the stars cleared from her eyes and the clouds passed and she realised what he was saying. A long conversation later, they had come to an agreement- no strings attached, a way to take the edge off after training or an expedition. He sat there coolly, discussed it with all the professionalism and intensity as discussing battle plans. More than once, he reminded her that her position on the squad would not be compromised in any way depending on her decision, or would his opinion of her. Which she never found out exactly what it was.
Petra had kept her cool, as if she had gotten an offer like this every day. If he could do it, so could she. She could keep her feelings bottled up, not let an inkling of them show until she was back in the privacy of the dorms. When she came back to him with her answer, she said it airily, nonchalantly, as if she hadn’t spent every waking moment deciding different ways to accept. Maybe if she had a different answer to that question then, she wouldn’t be standing outside, late at night, raw at his harsh words and sorting through her feelings, overthinking every little damn interaction whether it was sexual or not.
“Oh. Uh. Hello. I didn’t think anyone would be up.”
Petra jumped. Instinctively she whirled around, settling into a defensive stance. Although anyone who wanted to attack her probably wouldn’t talk to her civilly.
“Shit, sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you.” The other scout immediately backed away, holding his hands up. Petra’s guard lowered, recognising him from one of the other squads. He was tall (though everyone was taller than her) and his sandy hair kept falling into his eyes. Good looking. The type of military guy that would pull all the village girls.
“Evening.” Petra took in his workout gear. Following her line of vision, the guy flared bright red.
“Sometimes I have trouble sleeping and I need to take the steam off so I go for a jog around the grounds and you can always be improving, right?” he said in a hurry, tripping over his own words. Very different to her captain who punctuated every word with the clarity of a right hook to the jaw- stop.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”
“Thanks! You’re on the special ops squad, right?”
That was sudden. Petra blinked, watched the guy quickly backtrack. “Not that I’m a creep or anything! But Squad Leader Michael always tells us to try and be like you guys. We see you training in the forests sometimes and you’re always in sync. It’s incredible!”
“Ah. Thank you.” Conversation escaped her, the heartache and emotional strain of tonight still fresh in her mind. Get it together.
“I’m Petra.” She held out her hand and the guy shook it firmly.
“Finn.”
“Nice to meet you. I never really meet other scouts outside of the mess hall.” The special ops squad usually sat together, and when they didn’t, Petra sat with a few of her friends from her training corps. She'd definitely remember Finn if she had ever sat with him.
“Maybe we could sit together a few times?” Finn said automatically. There was a pause before he realised the implication of his words and he slapped a hand over his mouth, mortified. “I mean. Not like that. Wait. Not not like that, but as-”
Petra burst out laughing. Big, carefree, ugly laughing, close to a howl, before she slapped her hand over her mouth. The entire compound was asleep, anyway. Finn relaxed slightly, shooting her a lopsided grin. There was a boyish charm to it that Petra hadn’t seen in a while, and it was refreshing.
Nearby, an owl cooed in the branches of a tree. A wave of tiredness, both physically and emotionally, washed over her for a second. The short nap in her captains bed hadn’t done much for her. She had a long training period tomorrow.
“I better get to bed. It was nice to meet you, though.” Turning, she cracked open the door silently, shooting him one last smile. “Hope you enjoy the rest of your workout, Finn.”
“You too! Wait. Fuck. No, I- good night!”
The entire compound was asleep, but she still allowed herself to chuckle quietly under her breath, feeling lighter than she had in a long time.
~
For a good twenty seconds after she woke up, Petra felt alright. That was before the memories and emotional turmoil of last night came crashing down on her.
She turned over in her bed, soaking up the morning light that slipped past her curtains. No, she wouldn’t cry about it. Not when there was still a small, small sliver of hope that he could one day reciprocate her feelings. Even if that hope shrivelled up more and more everyday, she wouldn’t give it up. Not yet.
Her spirits were lifted slightly as she made her way to the mess hall. The compound was still quiet, although she could pick up the sounds of soldiers groaning as they prepared for another day. She always cherished the moments before everyone awoke and the place came alive with activity. One, so she could sit and gather her thoughts in peace, take time to prepare her morning coffee. Two…
Reason number two typically beat her there. The captain would always sit at the head of the table. Sometimes he would already have his own tea or coffee, and sometimes Petra would make it for him. He wouldn’t say anything in greeting, only nod at her without really looking, as if the night before she hadn’t tasted the sweat on his skin or felt his lips on her body.
So, in usual fashion, she entered. Just being in the same room with him elicited a feeling of giddiness, which she got under control. She was a grown woman, but she couldn’t help but cling to the childish hope that he felt the connection between then at the same time.
Levi nodded, Petra smiled in return. His gaze swung back to the empty table in front of him, focused on nothing. No cup today. Reining in a little pleased smile, she started to prepare a pot, taking extra care to make it the way he liked. Indeed, he grunted his thanks when she handed it to him, his eyebrows quirking ever so slightly to indicate enjoyment, and she flared with pride.
“What have you got planned for today, sir?” Petra took her usual seat to his right. The captain sipped his coffee, thought for a moment.
“We’ll be out in the forest today. Work through the new formation for the upcoming expedition. Then we’ll work with Mike’s squad for the two group attack.”
“That’s a good idea. We haven’t worked through it yet. Better now than out beyond the walls!” Change the subject. This is awkward. What are you doing? “Do you like the coffee? I tried to make it a little differently today. I found this new type of coffee beans at the market, and I hadn’t tried them before, so the stallowner gave me a discount-”
“Petra. Stop talking.” Levi said dully, in his usual monotone. Quiter, he muttered, “It gives me a damn headache.”
“Oh. Yes. Sorry sir.”
God. Someone stab her, it would hurt less. She clamped her mouth shut, going rigid.The two sat silently what felt like the longest ten minutes of Petra’s life. She thanked all the goddesses above when Erd barged into the room. Gunther and Auruo followed not too long after. Their easy, loud chatter filled the room, and while she usually found it annoying, she wished they wouldn’t ever stop. As they trudged to to gear shed, she found herself staring at the back of the captains head, hating him and herself at the same time.
A storm had rolled in after they’d eaten dinner. Not a big one, or even a very fierce one, but enough of one for the rain to slam against the windows and turn the world outside into a grey, foggy wasteland. Truthfully, Petra had been rather tired by training that day, and from the droopy eyelids and the constant stretching of her squadmates - even the captain closed his eyes for a few seconds longer than normal - she’d assumed everyone felt the same. So it surprised her when the captain called for her. Immediately she could tell something was amiss with him. His touch skated over her body, almost a caress, he nipped instead of biting, and every move was carefully precise. It was far from unenjoyable, but it unnerved her at the same time. It was the first time she’d been on top. After they’d finished, she’d lain awake beside him, waiting for the moment where he would prop himself up and tell her to leave with none of the gentleness she’d just experienced. But something strange happened. He’d fallen asleep right beside her.
Petra remembered scarcely drawing breath, terrified of rousing the captain from whatever dream he was in and reminding him that she should be leaving. Indeed, she’d been more terrified of his blunt reaction when he woke up and noticed she was still there than of potentially waking him. Silently, discreetly, she began to slide out from under the covers, even though every fiber of her being disagreed and begged her to linger, to enjoy this moment that she would never get again. No, she decided firmly. She was leaving.
Then the captain made the decision for her. He reached out, still dead to the world, and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her to him in an iron grip. Petra gasped as he drew her close to him, his head under her chin and his breath on her collarbones. His arms tightened around her back- even if she wanted to move, she couldn’t. Oh, but she wouldn’t dream of moving. Not now. So she committed the details of his sleeping, unstrained, relaxed face to memory and let herself fall into the most peaceful sleep she’d ever had.
Petra woke up cold and alone in the morning. But it was still morning, and that was a big difference in its own, so she couldn’t find it in herself to be mad. Before she did anything else, she made absolutely sure that she was alone in the captain’s room, then flopped back onto the mattress, laughed at the ceiling, and curled into the still-warm spot where the captain had lain.
How could the same man who held her so tightly be so distant? Cruel? Petra tried not to stare at him openly, with the squad all gathered around. Although she doubted they’d notice with all their bickering. The captain did not pay them any attention, his focus directed into his tea.
No. Those moments where he held her so tightly, touched her so gently in a moment of subconscious had to mean something. Anything. Or else they wouldn’t have happened.
She had to believe that. It was the tape holding all the pieces of her heart together.
Wordlessly, the captain stood, and they all followed immediately. Petra trailed behind the men to the storage sheds, shaking her head to repel all train of thought about her grumpy captain. Those wouldn’t save her life on the battlefield, or save her ass in training from a berating. Erd elbowed her, Gunther cracked some stupid joke, and Auruo chomped down on his tongue again. She allowed herself to relax, and smile. No point in spending her time overthinking the little things when she had such an amusing company to laugh with. Besides. She could definitely admire the captain from afar and not bring herself down focusing on every signal he gave. Which, actually, weren’t very many. So even if she did she would still have plenty of time to spare-
Damnit Petra. You’re acting like a schoolgirl! Just calm down for once, okay?
Right.
At least the familiar weight and cool metal of the ODM gear on her legs brought her back down to earth. Experimentally, she tapped her foot on the ground, letting it settle against her hip, enjoying the slight clang of the gear against the buckles on her straps. It was funny- that tiny, tinny sound brought her peace amongst some of the scariest and most confusing times of her life. Like when she would be high in the air, inches away from grabby hands and gaping mouths. Or when-
“Oi. Petra. Stop messing around.”
Or when the captain would get snippy with her. She bent her head down, hiding the embarrassed flush in her cheeks and mumbled, “Yes sir.” Then she let her hooks fly through the air, pierce the hard bark of the giant trees, pull her along after it.
The first phase of training went smoothly. The squad was in perfect sync with each other, all without saying a word. Even if they could hear each other in the silence of the forest, would they be able to hear each other with titans crushing abandoned houses and trees under their feet?
All in all, they brought down every training dummy with the slightest of ease, barely cracking a sweat. The captain didn’t outright praise them, but he looked less pissed off than usual, and that crinkle in his brow had lightened. A rare sight. Their spirits were high when they met up with Mike’s squad, adrenaline still fresh in their blood. It was tough working with another squad, even more challenging to communicate across the battlefield. Petra considered everyone in Mike’s squad her friend, but she didn’t spend enough time around them to be able to send silent signals to sync their attacks.
“Petra! Left, five metre!” Levi shouted at her. “Henning! Gelger! Right, fifteen metre!” He shot ahead, Mike at his side, his blades spinning as they went for two fifteen metres.
The five metre was easy, even with the recruit operating the dummy jerking it this way and that to mimic a real titan. Really, as if they could compare. Her blades flashed, glinting off the sun, and the neck was cut. She tore through the fabric with the most satisfying ripping sound, watched the stuffing flutter to the ground. Landing on a nearby branch, she assessed it, double checking the cut was deep enough. So did the recruit, who backed away after it was ‘dead.’ Good.
Nearby, Henning and Gelger had taken out the ankles of their fifteen metre. The scout operating it was doing a damn good job of imitating a real titan. Petra glimpsed the girl behind it yanking the ropes back and forth, her arms trembling under the strain. Henning leapt off the tree, barrelling straight for the nape and ripping through it with a cry. Gelger whooped from nearby, Henning standing proudly on the wooden corpse for a second, regaining his breath. Petra grinned at them from her branch. From the corner of her eye, something twitched.
Treat training as if you’re on the battlefield. You get a second chance in training, but you’re fucked if it’s the real thing. The captain’s words echoed in her head. Instinct.
No time to shout. Petra moved before she thought, shooting her hooks to the tree just past Henning as the giant dummy titan loomed over him. She flew through the air, grabbing Henning around the waist and using all her strength to hoist them up to the nearest tree branch. Damnit it all to hell, whoever was moving that titan was good, even better than the first. It swung around quickly, so quickly Petra didn’t have time to process it. She only acted. Holding her blade out in front of her, they crashed through the wood, splinters caught in their hair and their clothes. Henning flinched for a moment, almost caused her to topple. After all, he was quite a bit taller than her. Fuck. She needed to put him down and take it out. With the last bit of her strength, she swung near a branch and threw Henning over it. He sprang to his feet immediately, gear and blades at the ready. Petra was quicker. But Gelger had already flown in.
He sliced at the ankles, the dummy falling just as Petra swung in for the killshot. She hadn’t prepared to take out the ankles - no need - and her hooks had attached too far up for her swing, designed to get her away from the grabby hands. Swooping downwards in midair, she dislodged her hooks, made for a lower point to get to the neck. But she hadn’t anticipated Henning. The man soared down in an instant, aiming for the neck the exact same time she did, and the only thing she could think of was to toss her blades as far away as she could before they impaled each other. They hit each other hard, all the breath knocked out of Petra’s lungs as her hooks separated from the tree and she was thrown to the ground. By some form of sheer, awful luck, one of her hooks hadn’t inserted back into her gear properly, still out when she rolled across the ground, and still wanting back in. The cable ties smacked against her leg, almost like a whip, and she cried out. For a moment - a moment too long- she lay in a heap on the floor, all her muscles crying out. And the titan was still ‘alive.’
Until the captain himself zoomed down, assessed the situation in record quick time and slashed at the neck so deeply that he almost decapitated the wooden head. Henning lay somewhere on the ground, Gelger stared on in shock - and the captain glared around, focused on her.
“Petra! What the hell was that?” He came over, fists clenched at his side. Petra cringed at the hard edge in his voice, didn’t dare want to look up into his face. But she did, and the furious light in his eyes, only seen when in battle, made her want to hide in a hole and never come out.
“You fucking idiot.” The captain blazed with anger. “You could’ve gotten yourself and Henning killed. What if it was an abnormal, huh? What then? Would you have charged in by yourself to take it out? Without assessing the situation? Are you a damn rookie, Petra?”
Petra sat there quietly, head lowered, burning with shame. At least the others had the tact to stand a safe distance away, out of earshot.
“Sir, I was thinking-”
“No, you weren’t fucking thinking. That’s the problem here, Ral.” She flinched. He never used her last name unless he was livid. “I’d send you right back to the barracks if we weren’t so damn short on group training. So walk that shit off, stand up, and get back up there. Understood?”
“Perfectly, sir.” Petra whispered. Her leg throbbed, but she stood up shakily. Stable enough. She’d be fine after a bit of rest. Which wouldn’t come for a while.
The captain had already shot up into the air, looking down at her from one of the trees. His glare challenged her to stay on the floor. Gritting her teeth, she shot her hooks to the opposite tree, landing beside Gunther and Nanaba. Her leg ached, probably riddled with bruises, but it was nothing compared to the fierce blow in her heart.
“Sir, I still don’t know why you didn’t go to the medical tents.” Petra frowned, tossing away another bloody tissue. The rubbish bin was overflowing with them now. The captain scowled at her from his place atop his desk. For a quick moment, Petra thought it funny that their usual positions had changed.
“It’s full of the wounded with the worst injuries. When they’re in a rush trying to save everyone’s lives they don’t sterilise the needles. Which is fucking dumb. They’ll kill us of infection and transmitted diseases before the titans do.”
“Without them most of us would be dead. Sir.”
“Tch. Doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for them. Just that they could stand to actually sterilise the damn needles.”
Her next words hesitated in her mouth, but she gathered her courage and pushed them out, ignoring the growing pounding of her heart.
“If they did sterilise the needles, would you still want me to stitch you up?”
Levi stared at her for a long moment, regarding her with something Petra couldn’t identify. Flustered, she almost dropped the needle, and it was a good ten seconds more before she realised she forgot to tack on his honorific.
“Sir.” Great. Now the captain probably thought her a dumbass.
Something Petra learnt about her captain is that if he didn’t want to answer, he wouldn’t skate around it. He would either say whatever he thought, no softness to it at all, or just not answer at all. She started to consider herself lucky that he decided not to answer and she almost forgot about the question as they drifted into silence, the only noise being the puck of the thread and needle going through his skin. She tied off the thread, dabbed it clean with the tissues and alcohol, and stepped back. The captain sighed quietly, but it was enough of a disturbance in the quiet to make Petra jump. He looked down, ran his hand over the stitches on his chest. “Good job. They’re even.”
They both knew that Gunther did a neater job of stitching, and he could’ve done it instead of replenishing the gas canisters for tomorrow's training, but neither decided to mention that.
The rest of training passed uneventfully. The captain didn’t address her injury or her mistake any more aside from scowls when she caught her eye, and when they all finally touched down on the ground he ignored her wince as she put weight on her leg for the first time in a few hours. The other squad stayed behind, Mike mumbling something about how they needed more time in the forest. The captain crossed his arms over his chest, glared at them. Although he was one of the shortest, there was a look in his eye that would send the strongest thugs running.
“Well. I don’t know what happened, but that was a piss-poor performance. The only thing keeping us from being killed was Erd’s quick thinking because some of you were lacking.” He said dully. The perfect, pissed off captain. “Dismissed.”
He walked away. Petra could almost see the cloud of annoyance haloing his head. She kept a good distance away with the rest of the squad, each groaning and stretching and grumbling. Gunther patted her on the back sympathetically, Erd recommended some home remedies for bruising, and even Auruo was less of a shit than usual. They’d known each other so long and so well that they knew when someone was feeling like crap after a bad training session. And Petra loved them for it, of course she did. But their efforts did little to elicit anything more than a bare hint of a smile. Thanking them, she hobbled towards the compound, flexing her leg and testing how much it could withstand, and for how long. Not too serious at all, like she’d thought. Just a little stiff.
“Hey! Petra!” A boyish voice called out from over the field, travelling with the wind. Petra turned, caught sight of Finn breaking from his squad. He waved enthusiastically at her, almost jumping up and down. In his excitement, his foot caught on a lump in the ground and he pitched forward. She could see that same, easy going smile comically transform into one of horror, like something you'd see in a stage show.
Ah. That was enough to get Petra to smile for real.
~
Somehow, despite the fuckup that was training, they ended up back in his office.
“From Squad Leader Hanji, sir.” Petra placed the files onto the corner of his desk, next to a cup of tea she brewed. Honestly, she had no clue if he was still pissed at her. But he hadn’t snapped at her when she walked in, so she took it as a good sign. She didn’t try to push her luck, though. Didn’t rush in there and hop onto his lap.
Levi acknowledged her with a grunt, absentmindedly flipping through the files. Petra dithered for a moment, awkwardly shifting all her weight onto her good leg. The captain noticed her tiny movement. Of course he did. “Still sore?”
“A little, sir.” Petra blinked, slightly confused. She half expected him not to point it out. It had been her fault, after all. “Are you still mad at me?” The words came out of their own accord and she clamped her hand over her mouth immediately. Since when did she get so casual? With her captain?
Well. Probably when they started ripping their clothes off whenever they were alone. If they were being specific, about a month ago.
Levi rolled his eyes. “No point. Hope you learned your lesson about dumbass decisions. If you didn’t, well.” He reached for the tea. “You’re dead. And it’s your own fault.”
He said it with such detachedness, as if her death wouldn’t impact him at all. Why would it? He could probably find dozens of girls willing to take her role. All of her roles.
Don’t think like that.
It was her cue to leave. It should’ve been her cue to leave, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t make her way to the door. Everything that happened today was still fresh in her mind, his words right at the forefront, loud and bright and clear.
“What? Do you need something?” The captain looked at her directly, tea forgotten. She knew that look every well. Yes, she did want something. And she knew he wanted it too.
In a few short steps, she was by his side and he reached out, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her into his lap. Petra winced at the sudden movement on her leg, felt it stiffen uncomfortably. Levi ran his hand down the curve of her hip, over her uniform, ghosted over her bad leg. He rested it on her calf, and his fingers started massaging the area gently. Petra almost tipped her head back in joy, had to refrain from sighing in glee.
Oh, she did want something desperately. Something more than just sex in the office. She wanted confirmation. She wanted to know that he thought of her differently than just a soldier, just a fuck buddy. The state he put her in now...what would it be like if he actually recopicated her feelings? Loved her back? She thought she had lived everything she needed to, but if she was going to die one day, and one day soon, she needed to know if this man ever loved her or not. Then she could die peacefully.
Please. Please.
She wanted something that would keep the pieces of her heart together.
One strong arm kept around her waist, the other under her knees. His insistent lips were on her neck, one hand pulling her shirt free from under her waistband, his deft fingers undoing the buttons. It was hard to think straight. His light, teasing touch made goosebumps erupt across her skin, and she liked to imagine that he felt the sparks too.
“Please don’t stop.” Gasping, Petra grabbed onto his shoulders as he ghosted along her neck, pressing light kisses along her jawline and down to her collarbone. A moan, louder than she intended, escaped her when he kissed the hollow between her neck and her shoulder, taking his damn time. Petra wound one hand into his hair, muffled her words behind her other hand. “I love it when you do that.”
“Yeah?” His fingers suddenly dug into the back of her neck, jerking her head back slightly as his lips found their way to her breast. Just the feel of his hot breath on her sensitive skin made her thighs clench and her breathing quicken. “That’s the only love involved here.”
Something burned through her suddenly, a knife sliding into her heart. Is that what was called an epiphany? A great revelation? Or just something that was painfully obvious, and she was just utterly stupid? Petra jerked, his offhand comment replaying over and over in her ears, feeling like someone had just punched her in the face. He hadn’t thought it through, just a reaction, a reply, to what she had said. Did that make it all the more true? She suddenly felt very, very cold. And. And...was she even surprised? Maybe she knew, all this time, and hadn’t wanted to believe it until he gave some inkling, some sign, that he could never return her affections beyond a meaningless fuck. No. They had been there. Those signs. All the time. But she hadn’t wanted to see it, didn’t believe it until he said them as clear as day. To him, Petra realised slowly, she would never be any more than a soldier, maybe even a friend, but nothing more. And she was a fool for having ever believed otherwise. How could she have thought that this arrangement would make him see her differently? She was a fool. His lips, his touch, his kisses on her skin, were wrong. It wasn’t love, and it never was going to be. Her breathing didn’t come, lodged in her throat, almost choking her. She needed out. She couldn’t do this anymore.
“Stop. Stop. Stop!”
His arms slackened around her immediately and she almost tumbled to the floor, catching herself at the last minute. Levi looked at her, his composure rattled for a moment; his hair was mussed from where she played with it, his clothes rumpled, and most unsettling of all, his eyes were wide. She had never, ever seen him shocked. Petra forced herself to look away first, scrambling to her feet. If she stayed any longer in this room she would cry. Without another word, she rushed for the door and fled the room, and it was only after she ran until her legs were aching that she realised, with a strange sort of detachment, that her blouse was still undone.