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she was standing near the edge of the cliff, water violently thrashing against rocks down below and you can feel your blood run cold as your mind panics. eyes trembling, and breathing suddenly suffocates you.
she looks back, torment paints her vision, causing you to freeze.
"please, find me.”
———
yubin wakes up in a cold sweat, her heart pounding too much, fear and anxiety clouding her mind. but what is there to be afraid of? it was just a dream, right? a dream she can barely remember now. it’s nothing to worry about. she’s had nightmares and weird dreams before so this isn’t anything new. everything’s fine. as long as she ignores the feeling that she’s forgetting something then everything’s fine.
she takes in a deep breath and exhales. she gets her phone to check the time and sees that she still has an hour left until her first class, and she also sees that yoohyeon, her best friend, left her a message five minutes ago. it says that she’s coming with breakfast, like she usually does, and not even five minutes pass since reading the message, yubin hears her friend knocking.
dream forgotten and ready to start the day, yubin gets out of bed to let yoohyeon in.
“good morning!” yoohyeon greets as soon as she opens the door. she holds a plastic bag of what looks like veggie salad from the convenience store (they’re both broke college students so convenience store food is how far their breakfasts can go). she also has a huge smile on her face, as yoohyeon is generally a smiley person, and yubin always loves seeing her smile early in the morning but right now, it’s too blinding and makes her head hurt more.
she’s being a bit dramatic but that’s just how it is when one is in love with their best friend but is not ready for the overwhelming romantic feelings the morning they had a bad dream that left them confused and dizzy from when they suddenly woke up.
“yubin? you okay?” yoohyeon asks. “you look like shit.” and then she giggles like nothing is wrong in the world. man, she’s so adorable.
“i’m fine. just had a weird dream, but i don’t really remember it anymore. just that there was a girl? and a cliff?”
“ohh, maybe it means something,” yoohyeon says as she sets up their food on yubin’s tiny dining table. “like your dream girl is too out of your reach or something.”
yeah, you, yubin doesn’t say but instead says, “or it didn’t mean anything ‘cause i already forgot about it.”
“dreams always mean something. you’re just not a believer,” yoohyeon pouts.
yubin laughs at her pout. “yeah, okay, you baby, let’s just eat. we still have class.”
~~
yubin doesn’t know when she fell in love with yoohyeon. she just is. and how could she not? when yoohyeon’s the best thing that has ever happened to her. when she smiles that goofy smile of hers where her cute teeth shows and her eyes get hidden from smiling too much. when she gives yubin the best hugs, and cuddles with her every time she’s close range to yubin. when she nuzzles her face into yubin’s neck because she’s too much of a puppy sometimes. how can yubin not be in love when yoohyeon is just so. her.
was it when yubin got kicked out from her parents’ house when she came out to them, and yoohyeon was the only one who opened her arms to her? was it when she first heard yoohyeon singing and fell in love with her voice, not knowing that she actually fell in love with her whole being? or was it something similar, where yoohyeon stood up on the stage for the first time in their second year of high school, showcasing her singing talent, everyone falling in love with her but her eyes were focused only on yubin as she sang her heart out? or was it a love at first sight, when they were dumb, naive kids, when there was no one to play with yubin until a cute little girl held her hand out to her, asking her to be the knight protecting her, the princess?
yubin is so in love that it doesn’t matter how or why or when she fell. she is so in love that it doesn’t even matter if yoohyeon doesn’t reciprocate. what matters is that she’s happy and that’s all that yubin wants.
———
there’s a princess and a female knight. they were running into the woods and the knight keeps telling the princess to slow down, but she doesn’t and instead laughs as she kept running farther away from the castle—away from judging eyes that will never understand them.
“princess, please, i think this is far enough,” the knight says as she catches her breath as they finally stopped running.
the princess laughs at her knight. “aren’t knights supposed to have strong stamina?” she sits down in front of a huge old tree, lying her back on its trunk. she pats the ground beside her. “come on, sit down.”
“you’re going to dirty your dress,” the knight says but follows the princess and sits.
the princess sighs as she lays her head on the other’s shoulder. “i have more dresses in my wardrobe, and this one’s ugly anyway.”
the knight sighs in exasperation. “what am i going to do with you?”
“hmm,” the princess lifts her head to stare up at her lover. “kiss me?”
the knight laughs softly, so fond of her beloved princess, as she places a swift kiss to the other’s lips.
the princess pouts. “please don’t tease me. we didn’t run all the way here just for you to tea—“ she stops as the knight’s kisses silences her.
so under the night sky full of stars, hidden in a sea of trees and greens, forgetting their worries and duties, they lost themselves to each other.
they stayed there for who knows how long, sharing whispers and stories and kisses, like nothing’s against them, like nothing is waiting for them in the huge lonely castle.
“i’ve read something in a book before,” the princess says once they separate their lips from each other. “that two people who love each other a lot will meet again in their next life, that their souls are connected, so that when their current life passes, their souls will be fated to find the other in the next.”
“you mean soulmates?”
the princess claps her hands in glee. “yes! soulmates! i hope we’re soulmates because in this life and after this and the next one after that and then the next and just all our next lives, i want to keep loving you.”
the knight smiles at her as she gives her lover’s cheek a kiss. “we need to find each other first.”
“and we will!”
———
“yubin! wake up!”
yubin wakes and stands up abruptly, giving herself whiplash. “what! what’s happening?” arms wrap around her as she returns the hug. “what’s wrong? what time is it? has class ended?”
yoohyeon tightens her embrace. “class ended half an hour ago. you fell asleep in the middle and i thought i’d let you be since i know you’re tired from working on your music project but then class ended and i tried to wake you up but you won’t and i just got really scared. but why am i even scared? you were probably just really really tired and sleepy that’s why you wouldn’t wake up. i’m overreacting, i’m sorry.”
she speaks too fast that yubin can’t register what she’s saying but it’s obvious that she was really worried so yubin pulls away from the hug a bit, stands up on her tiptoes to give yoohyeon’s forehead a kiss and to look at her eyes directly. yoohyeon isn’t crying, but she looks so worried and sad and scared that yubin’s heart melts. “baby, hey, i’m fine. like you said, i’m just tired. it’s my fault for not taking care of myself properly so don’t be sorry, ‘kay?”
“okay. but i’m gonna cuddle you later and feed you and tuck you to sleep because if you won’t take care of yourself then i guess i have to.”
“that’s why you’re the best.”
“i know.” yoohyeon gives her one last hug before she pulls away. she looks at yubin from head to toe to check if everything’s fine and once she’s satisfied, she’s back to smiling as she grabs yubin’s hand. “okay, time for our next class! um, that is if you’re fine enough to go ‘cause if not then we can just go back to your dorm and sleep.”
yubin shakes her head. “i’m really fine now, don’t worry. and skipping class might stress me out more so let’s go.”
~~
yubin doesn’t fall asleep again until later at night, when classes are done and no impending assignments or projects to cram. yoohyeon is lying beside her, keeping true to her promise that she will cuddle yubin and feed her and tuck her to sleep, but yubin isn’t asleep yet. she was trying to remember the dream she had in class but it was lost to her. it seems like it was a continuation of the weird dream she had in the morning but how can she be sure if she can’t remember most of it?
it shouldn’t even be something to be worried about since dreams are supposed to be just dreams, far away from reality, and yet, she can’t help but think it’s important and that maybe figuring out will change something. but what will when they’re just dreams?
and yoohyeon’s behavior earlier keeps yubin awake, too. her getting worried isn’t unusual but it reminded yubin of that time in sixth grade when yoohyeon came running to her house, tears and sadness and fear in her eyes. she was muttering words too fast, like she did awhile ago, as yubin tried to calm her down. it was so long ago that the only words yubin can remember now were find, soulmate, they hated us, i died.
yubin assumed it was just a really bad dream yoohyeon had because they never talked about it again after that. yoohyeon slept over that night and when they woke up the next day, she was back to her old giggly self, as if her breakdown was just part of another bad dream.
thinking about all this, yubin is reminded of all the times when yoohyeon would suddenly look all distant, like she’s remembering something bittersweet and painful that has happened to her before. yubin would ask her what’s wrong and yoohyeon would only answer with always the same words, her face painted with a sad smile,
you don’t know yet.
———
the knight is looking for the princess. she’s been weird these few days, losing focus in her studies, getting lost in her own head while talking to someone and she hasn’t properly looked at her lover in the eyes, and it’s making the knight anxious and worried. she couldn’t approach the princess how she usually does in the day since she’s made herself too busy, and these recent nights, the princess didn’t allow the knight to enter her chambers but she didn’t know why and she was too afraid to ask, scared that the princess finally realized that they weren’t right together.
and so the knight waited for the princess to be ready to tell her what’s in her mind, but now she’s missing.
she’s gone to places where the princess could be hiding and yet she wasn’t found. the whole castle is looking for her, and the king and queen are worried for their daughter and mad at the knight for it is her duty to be with the princess all the time.
when the sky turns dark, the knight is patrolling the royal gardens, hoping that she finds the princess here. she’s searched here before but the garden is huge and has many secret hidden places that she might have missed.
and she did. she finds a hidden alcove, so far way from the main garden and then the knight sees the princess, crouched low on the ground, her head tucked between her knees. the knight approaches her slowly, sits beside her, close enough to see how her lithe body is shaking from tears, but far enough to run away if she decides that she doesn’t want anything to do with the knight.
the knight doesn’t say anything, just waits for the princess to calm, just offering a silent comfort, just there beside her as she always have and always will be.
the night goes darker and the stars shine brighter when the princess finally decides to speak. “remember when we talked about soulmates finding each other?”
“yes.”
the princess lifts up her head, eyes wet from crying, as she looks straight at her lover. “will you promise to find me?”
the knight knows what she means, and she knows she should say something to stop whatever’s in her mind but she’s stupid and a coward so she only answers, “always.”
———
when yubin wakes up, it’s with tears in her eyes, blurring her vision of yoohyeon lying beside her. hands come up to her face, wiping her tears away.
“did you have a bad dream again?” yoohyeon asks softly.
yubin shakes her head, eyes closing, yoohyeon’s warm hands making her sleepy again. “i don’t remember but... i feel sad?”
“some dreams are sad but you’re okay now. you’re awake and i’m here and we’re okay so there’s nothing to worry about.”
yubin moves her head to softly kiss the palm holding her face. “yeah...”
~~
yoohyeon told her a story before. it was long after the incident where she came crying to yubin about a bad dream. yubin didn’t think much of the story back then other than it was bittersweet, but now that yubin is thinking about it again, it seems like it’s something important, like it could maybe connect to her dreams.
the story goes like this :
there was once a princess, beautiful and kind and smart and pure, loved and respected by the whole kingdom. and there was a knight, child from a servant in the royal kitchens. they became fast friends and everyone in the castle was endeared by their friendship.
that is until the princess fell deeply in love with her childhood friend. it was no problem for royalty to be in love and wed a knight, but the princess and her knight were different. they were two women and no matter how kind the people were to them, they were still prejudiced and refused to understand them.
so the princess eventually fell into despair and depression. the knight couldn’t do anything to help her and so one day, she watched the princess go and the knight disappeared after, never to be heard of again.
and that was it. they were just two people who were always together that got torn apart. that’s all there was to their story.
———
“my strong, beautiful knight.”
“i love you.”
“i just know we’re soulmates.”
a kiss. lips touching lips. warm hands on her face. soft smiles pressed onto her mouth. arms holding onto each other. love enveloping them.
“please, find me.”
———
the dreams keep coming and yubin’s got used to it. they don’t hinder her daily life other than it was hard for her to wake up when the dreams are too long, but she’s doing fine. she’s even remembering a few things from her dreams, like how it was about a princess and a knight. she doesn’t remember their faces but she knows they’re in love. she wonders if she was just dreaming up a fantasy romance of her and yoohyeon, since she’s been reading fantasy novels lately and that she’s in love with yoohyeon and all.
god, she’s so stupidly in love that she made up a whole new life with yoohyeon in her dreams.
yet even yoohyeon, who first said that the dreams might mean something, said the other day that yubin shouldn’t let it bother her, that they’re just dreams, but then yubin got confused more because she also heard her friend whispering to herself, “the past should be forgotten, anyway.”
what past? what does yoohyeon know? why does she get weird sometimes and yet yubin’s still so in love? what is wrong with them?
they’re in class right now, and yubin is tired. she wants to go to sleep but ever since that time when she scared yoohyeon for not waking up, she tried her best not fall asleep in class again. so now she’s just staring at her friend’s face to keep herself awake.
“what are you looking at?” yoohyeon whispers to her when she noticed yubin’s stare.
“your face.”
“what’s wrong with it?”
“it’s pretty.”
yoohyeon blushes and slaps yubin’s arm. “shut up.”
so maybe yoohyeon is right. whatever that past was, it doesn’t matter because what matters is now and right now, with yoohyeon beside her, smiling brightly, happiness painting her face, is where yubin wants to be.
———
the knight keeps pacing around the princess’ bedroom door, anxiety wracking her nerves. her head’s planted this stupid idea of confessing to the princess, her mind telling her that she wouldn’t get rejected because lately, the princess has been showing signs that she might have the same feelings as the knight.
but that doesn’t ease the knight’s worries. she’s still just a knight, and the other is a princess, one day to be queen of a huge kingdom, and what’s worse is they’re both women. but the knight is so in love she couldn’t keep her feelings anymore. she needs to say something and if the princess does reject her and find her disgusting, the knight is prepared to leave and exile herself, but she knows the princess is too kind for that. she will most likely reject the knight gently, will still consider the knight as her best friend, will still want the knight to be her personal guard, and yet, the knight’s feelings are too strong that it will be hard for her to stay by the princess’ side, that she’d rather leave than get hurt.
she’s a coward. why is she a knight again?
the door suddenly opens wide, the princess looking at her with a frown. “i can hear you thinking from here. what’s wrong?”
“um... i—“
the princess sighs and smiles soft at her knight. “is this about how we’re in love with each other?”
the knight’s breathing stops, then she coughs and stutters, “we—uh—what? you—?”
the princess giggles at her as she pulls the knight into her room. “yes, i love you, too.”
“ oh.”
“yeah.”
and the princess kisses and kisses and kisses her until they’re out of breath.
———