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Higgs stood at the edge of the crater. The tears wouldn’t stop. Stupid chiral allergies. That’s the only thing waiting for everybody, he thought, a crater. An explosion. An ending. Ain’t nothing alive on this earth that’s not dying. All things die. All things end.
And then there was Sam Bridges.
Dead, then alive — standing up at the center of the crater. Gasping for air, throwing up tar, limbs trembling as he stood up.
The only thing, the only certain thing for everybody was death. Sam cheated it every single fucking time. And every single fucking time there was that moment of uncertainty where Higgs feared he might be right this time around and Sam would stay dead.
He feared it, and the tears wouldn’t stop.
Higgs teleported to the center of the crater, practically jumping over Sam. They fell on the tar and Higgs stared at the other man, and it was hard to see him straight with all the tears and eyeliner in his eyes. Sam stared back. Then Higgs kissed him, shakily, eager and angrily.
Because Sam was alive and he shouldn’t be. Because Higgs was feeling things he wasn’t supposed to feel and it made it all so needlessly complicated.
“Why won’t you stay dead?” he mumbled.
“Why won’t you leave me alone?” Sam mumbled back, gripping Higgs’ arm, pulling him closer.
Higgs wanted to laugh. He hated Sam so much it made his chest ache, so he kissed him deeply, more desperately.
Higgs hated Sam because he had been like Sam once. He had tried, he had fought, kicked and screamed. And what for? A poor excuse for a life.
Meaningless.
Everything just clicked when he learned about the EE, everything made sense. His nightmares, his fears, his… everything. The end. That’s what he needed, what everyone needed. No pain in death, no pain in not existing. It’d be so easier. He tried making everyone see, but they wouldn’t, they refused, and he got tired. It didn’t matter. He was used to doing things alone anyway. He could do that, too. In the end, everybody would thank him. They’d understand. It was all for the best.
He wished Sam, at least, would understand now rather than later. Sam, who lost so much. Sam, who was all alone. Sam, who clearly didn’t care about anything anymore. Among all the others, Sam should understand.
But he didn’t . He didn’t get it, he fought it, he kept trying and trying and why , why?!
Whenever they talked about it they argued and yelled at each other and ended at each other’s throats and then they’d kiss and fuck and walk away and rinse and repeat.
Sam was almost finished crossing the country. The closer he got the more conflicted Higgs felt. Because what then?
He knew what.
He knew what he had to do to stop Sam once and for all.
If he died at the beach...
But Higgs didn’t want Sam to die, not like that , not before . He wanted them to die together. He didn’t want to live without Sam in the world, even if for a few days or weeks or months. And what did it mean ? What did it say about him?
Thinking about it made him angry, so he avoided it.
“There’s no happy ending here,” Sam told him as they climbed up the crater. “Not with your plan anyway. You know that, right? What you want is—”
Higgs clenched his fists.
“Shut up. Just shut up. I—” his voice got louder, angrier, “I can’t stop now, I can’t .”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I’m far too deep, Sam, if I stop now then it’s all gonna be for nothing. I can’t—” he couldn’t bear the things he’d done then.
He did too much. All those people, in the name of what he believed. If he were to change his mind now, what of them? Besides, it’d be just postponing the inevitable. It’d be worse them. It’d be harder to give it all up.
“There’s no happy ending anywhere,” he told Sam, “there’s only an ending.”
Sam didn’t say anything. He sighed, and Higgs watched him walk away.
At first it was just physical. Higgs didn’t even know how it started. They just made out one day, in the middle of an argument, and one thing led to another, and it didn’t stop leading them places. Higgs still tried to mess with Sam’s journey across the country, Sam still punched him in the face whenever the opportunity presented itself.
Higgs liked it best then, it was simpler. A distraction amid his hard work. When everything started getting more complex, though — the first time he fell asleep when Sam was still there — he knew he was doomed. He knew he had fucked up. But he was stubborn, and he wouldn’t admit it, and just kept going.
Obviously, it led to where it led.
To feelings.
To pain.
Maybe it would have been easier to stay in the bunker, he’d think, never to leave. And he’d hate himself for it.
Higgs watched Sam tapping his BB’s pod lightly with his finger, as he sat under a timefall shelter, waiting for the rain to pass. He looked peaceful and content. Higgs envied him. He wished he could feel like that.
“She’s just a tool,” he said, “why do you bother?”
“You sound like a broken record, ya know?” Sam rolled his eyes.
Higgs knew. He left. The rain stopped soon after.
It was another argument that had been going on for an hour or so. They always started the same, with both of them still half-naked and harmless talk of what they could do together.
They had yelled and punched walls and Higgs didn’t know why he insisted on going back.
“The only way this can end for us is with Extinction,” Higgs blustered. “No other way. I can’t do things your way, Sam. I fucking— I fucking can’t! I’ve told you!”
“Heartman’s research,” Sam rolled his eyes, “about DOOMs explains what you’ve been doing. DOOMs was the EE’s creation, it’s like… a branch of its reach. Trying to make whoever has DOOMs help it end it all. That’s what you’re doing. If only you’d step away from—”
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” Higgs laughed, shaking his head, and tossed his mask against the wall. Lou started crying and Sam held her pod to soothe her. “You have DOOMs, fuck, half of Bridges has DOOMs, and I don’t see they helping me!”
“You’re always with the EE, you—”
“Heartman’s research may explain me, Sam, but it doesn’t fucking excuse me, damnit! You think anybody in Bridges would take me? Have you talked to Fragile? She’d have me killed and she’s not fucking wrong!” he laughed, tears in his eyes. His throat hurt from all the yelling. He was so tired. So tired. If everything would just… end… “I got here myself. I’m DOOMed, Sam. And I’m taking everything with me. That’s what I want. That’s how this ends. Or. There’s only one other option.”
“I’m not killing you.”
“Maybe ask Fragile, then,” Higgs said, and teleported away.
Kill himself or be stranded on his beach.
Fragile didn’t kill him, but she was pretty cruel. Higgs respected her for it.
In the end, when it came to it, he realized he didn’t want to die.
He wanted to end it all, but he didn’t…
He didn’t know what he wanted after all. Maybe he had just lost too much blood, wasted too much energy, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he didn’t want to die after all. Not then. Not alone. He’d always been alone. He didn’t want to end alone.
He wondered, pathetically, if Sam would miss him.
Higgs was sure Sam would stop Amelie — look at all the other things the madman had done, after all. The question that remained was that: if he’d miss Higgs. If he’d think about him. Forgive him. Wonder if it could have been different. If there was an option they missed.
It was far from what Higgs had pictured, not existing.
Not death — he couldn’t do that.
The beach. Empty. Lonely.
Nowhere. Loudly silent. Just him.
Just him and his thoughts, his guilts and ghosts.
Once, he must’ve been six or seven, he asked daddy where his mother and father were, and the man had thought for a little while, then said they were angels now, somewhere.
But there had never been angels, not before the stranding and definitely not after it. The closest were BTs and they were, well… more demons than anything else.
There were only ever people and their dyings and their mistakes and the consequences of it all.
“I read angels aren’t real,” Higgs had dared say back then. Daddy gave him a black eye for the audacity.
Stranding on his own now, Higgs wondered if he would have turned out differently had he been raised differently. He knew it didn’t matter thinking about any of it, but all he had was time and thoughts. Might as well explore the possibilities.
He just wanted to blame something other than himself.
Maybe it was the angels’ fault. His parents. Their flawed genes rotting Higgs up inside out.
Guess he’d never know.
It didn’t matter anyway.
Then, Sam.
Standing on the beach.
Higgs sat up from the sand and stared. They stared at each other. Sam looked tired. Higgs half laughed before allowing himself to cry.
How long had it been? There were no days and nights there, no weeks and no months.
Sam walked up to him, got down on his knees, and hugged him.
Higgs sobbed because it was— it was so— warm. He thought he’d never feel that again. Warmth.
“... don’t, I—don’t want… don’t leave me alone. ”
“I won’t. We’ll work something out,” Sam said.
And Higgs cried because that was what he wanted. What he needed. He clung to Sam and Sam held him close.
“It’s not a happy ending,” Sam said quietly, lips brushing lightly against his neck, “but it’s okay. Cuz it’s not ending here. It’s not ending anytime soon.”
Higgs nodded and hugged Sam back.
They’d work something out.