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“I'll play the guitar for you on one of those very expensive yachts while we stargaze and drink expensive wine. And I'll let you take good pictures of me.”
“All pictures of you are good whether you let me or not.”
“I want to say you're a great liar, but I'll trust you this once.”
—
Jonghyun’s thumb momentarily halts to a stop on the picture of Aaron inside his wallet when he rummages for the wrinkled bill he'd seen earlier today. He stares at the rough, discolored right edge of the cheap film in quiet serenity as he knows that Aaron must be asleep soundlessly on their bed back home.
He pays for the cigarettes and leaves the convenience store in a rush; he feels guilty for buying them in secret, and he's on edge even as he lights it up near the train station. He can't afford to smoke around the house anymore, and he can't afford Aaron to find out that his ‘lost habit’ is back and worse than it was years ago.
The camera strap hangs loosely around his neck. Before leaving the house, he told Aaron that he was going for an afternoon walk to take some pictures, but in reality he stands still and stares at strangers who barely pay him any attention. He watches them come and go; rushed or calm. He could take great pictures of the sky right now, because it looks like it might rain soon, and Aaron would like it.
He snaps a couple pictures of the sky, cigarettes well hidden inside his coat’s pocket, and he heads back home.
There's an olive green backpack next to the doormat, freshly washed because Aaron had insisted that he took a backpack on his trip like the old days. He looks at it sadly, knowing that it used to be Aaron’s favorite, and knowing that he was not joining him for the first time.
“I'm home,” he calls after locking the door, but there's no answer.
It takes him a couple of seconds to check inside their bedroom and Aaron is asleep. He’d started chemotherapy a week ago, and he'd been handling it worse than they (as in the doctor and Jonghyun) had initially imagined.
He doesn't dare to bring the subject up beyond necessary or comment about it in case he makes Aaron cry again. Cry like he's done for the last few weeks after every session when Jonghyun can't keep the questions of worry to himself, resulting in heavy sobs from his lover and heartache that tastes even more bitter than the nicotine rearing in his lungs.
He leans on the wooden doorway of the room, shoulders hanging loosely with all the unmotivation of the world on his back. The smooth detail in which Aaron breathes even when winter is around the corner and promising hardships along the way, makes Jonghyun’s shoulders stiffen.
Jonghyun figures that if only they lived somewhere far, far away— where winter didn't bring snow and cold and understandable concern for Aaron’s condition— he wouldn't be as anguished.
He sits on the edge of their bed and takes a look at the pictures from earlier today instead. His thumb slips easily through the buttons of the camera settings and he skips through most of them, looking for the best one so he can show Aaron later when he wakes up. Some are on terrible angles, and he guiltily deletes them with Aaron’s stable sighs behind him.
It's been very difficult to adapt to a new lifestyle that rushed into their lives unprecedented. Jonghyun doesn't want to be selfish and say he feels unprepared, because he's not the one with an hourglass and the days of his life being cut short, but he can't help having trouble accepting reality.
He turns the camera off just in time for a whispered, “Mornin’,” behind him.
“Slept well?” Jonghyun asks, and if Aaron's nod is a sinful lie, he can't tell.
It's silent for a bit, but not until Aaron speaks up again. “Did you smoke?”
Jonghyun is momentarily stunned, and even though Aaron's expression is unreadable, he nods like he'd done to him earlier. Mostly guilty and the rest of him embarrassed.
“Sorry.”
“Why?” Aaron asks simply. “You look less tense than earlier. That's how I could tell.”
“Really?” Jonghyun asks, a bit red in the ears.
Aaron grins even though it doesn't quite reach his eyes nor cheeks. “No.” He points at the bed and effectively surprises him at the sight of his lighter. “You might wanna be a bit more sneaky next time.”
Jonghyun sighs in disbelief. “No need. I'm abandoning them for good.”
Aaron slips out of the clean bedsheets to join him at the foot of their bed. He puts a cold hand on Jonghyun’s bouncy, left thigh and smiles as gently as he can. They sit in silence for a bit longer, but he breaks the silence when he notices that Aaron isn't wearing any socks.
“Put some socks on.” He says softly. “You don't wanna catch unnecessary colds while I'm not here.”
The statement seems to make Aaron beam, however. His fingers dig into the fabric of Jonghyun’s old jeans and he pats the spot comfortably. “I forgot to mention that I prepared something for your trip.”
Jonghyun watches him from his spot in the bed as he easily walks up to the creaky drawer that had come with this house when they bought it years ago. He stumbles forward because the floor is a mess with numerous shirts on the floor, but he finally pulls up a black tube out of his satchel.
“Film?” Jonghyun smiles dumbly. “It's been like three years since I last used film.”
“Most of your best pictures are on film. Take your film camera with you instead.”
Jonghyun wouldn't ever dare to refuse.
“And also, since you're leaving this weekend, let's go out for dinner on Friday.”
He seems quite skeptical even though he accepts. “Are you sure, though?” Aaron never had a great appetite in general, which meant he barely ate enough nowadays. “We really don't have to.”
Aaron shakes his head, decisive and serious. “I want to take you to the seafood restaurant you always wanted to go.”
Jonghyun is ready to refuse but Aaron clasps his index finger on his lips before he can further explain his reasoning. “Don't worry about the money. It's alright.”
Ever since they’d bought their house, they had been in a spiral of debts that had taken longer to pay back than what it had taken them to decide in buying it in the first place. Aaron worked on an office nearby where he earned enough to complement what Jonghyun brought home from photojournalism and the small picture studio where he took portraits and pictures. They could live their day by day pretty much decently, and late nights of convenience store food and instant noodles were mostly rare. But still, that didn't mean they weren't a possibility at the end of the month.
He hates that the calculator inside his head already thinks about how much money they'll spend on seafood dinner. And how much money Aaron has already spent on plane tickets and hotels for his trip to Europe. Not to mention Aaron’s healthcare . It's dangerously threatening to short circuit inside his brain, so he relaxes when Aaron kisses his cheek softly and brings him back to the real world. Still scary and deadly.
“Show me the pictures you took today,” Aaron hums lazily against the skin of his cheekbones.
Jonghyun looks at him and makes a noise of understanding, but he's overpowered by his beating chest and pulls Aaron back to bed instead and murmurs before he can warmly seal their lips together, “I'll show you later.”
—
“I have the greatest news ever.” Aaron had beamed when he bursted into Jonghyun’s studio that morning a few weeks ago. On his right hand, he held a mug of black coffee and stevia on the other, even though he was well-aware that Jonghyun never used it.
Jonghyun accepted both the coffee and sweetening in silent appreciation and waited for Aaron to keep talking. As he did not, he figured he must have wanted him to push, so he gave in.
“I'm listening.”
“Are you?” Aaron asked with the same cheekiness he'd had ever since they had met. “Are you listening, Kim Jonghyun? Are you?”
“I am.”
“Close your laptop.”
“Aaron, I'm working.” Jonghyun grew impatient. “Tell me what it is already—”
“You can check your picture’s brightness and opacity and saturation after I tell you. Can you just close it?”
Jonghyun sighed in annoyed silence and closed his laptop. He couldn’t hide the stupid, endeared grin from forming on his lips when Aaron smiled happily at him, though. “There. Now, what is it?”
“I bought tickets to Europe.”
Jonghyun blinked once and then twice. He looked at Aaron’s face and wanted to stand up and kiss the wrinkles on his eyes as he smiled so brightly at him. Outshining the sun and every star in the universe.
As he blinked a third time, he got up from his seat to hold his lover in his arms and smile against his left cheek. Aaron laughed heartily and warned him about his flu when he reached to kiss him, but Jonghyun didn't mind and did it anyways before he could even finish his sentence.
“Really?” He asked and the smile (and tears) in his eyes didn't allow him to look at Aaron properly.
“Yeah. Sweden, Norway, last stop Finland. It's all close anyways so it'd be a waste not to see them all.”
Jonghyun wiped the tears away from his cheeks. “Is this what you were secretly saving up for?”
“We've always wanted to go there together. Remember we promised.”
Jonghyun laughed, “we did.”
“Not as backpackers though. Those days are long gone and lost. I'm too old for that kinda youthful irresponsibility.”
He rolled his eyes affectionately and pat him on the head. “I'll have to agree.”
“Then pack your bags pretty boy,” Aaron said, and somewhere in the distance Jonghyun knew he shouldn't have been so happy because it'd all be snatched away soon, “because we're going in three weeks.”
But the next day, alone and early at home as he looked at pictures of Sweden’s lakes and valleys to visit during their trip, he received a phone call from Aaron’s co-worker and close friend Minhyun— heartbeat in his throat when he shakily told him that Aaron had been rushed to the hospital.
And it turned out that what Aaron had wasn't even close to the flu , and it turned out that he went to the hospital with a bloody nose but returned home with dry tears and a death sentence.
Jonghyun was quiet the whole way back home; he politely refused Minhyun’s offer to drive them back home because he didn’t know what to say to Aaron if he didn't have an excuse to be concentrated on the road ahead and not his shrunken body.
When they reached home, they just held onto each other in bed. Jonghyun let himself cry out when Aaron started to weep silently on his chest, and neither of them spoke until the next morning when they woke up with deep heartache and sore throats and limbs.
“I'm sorry,” Aaron had said, and Jonghyun refused to hear it, “I'm sorry you have to carry on with me. And I think we should talk about the future and eventuality of this whole situation and—”
“We should.” Jonghyun was firm because he knew Aaron's expression, and it wasn't hopeful. “And we will. But any bad thing you're thinking about, forget it now because we'll fight through it.”
Which was not entirely a lie, because Jonghyun currently sits in the waiting room of the hospital waiting for Aaron’s session to be over. It’s been three weeks and they've worked and cried through it; but they have each other.
He fumbles with the zipper of his jacket, and Minhyun sits quietly next to him on the waiting room. It's fall, nearing winter, but it's as cold as early December. Aaron has been inside the chemotherapy room all morning, and all he can think about is whether Aaron is okay or not by himself.
“When's your trip?”
Jonghyun nearly forgets Minhyun sits next to him. His posture is very similar to Jonghyun’s on the light blue couch, but his height makes it look like Minhyun mourns for a dead person.
“This weekend.” He clears his throat.
Minhyun doesn't say anything.
The silence extends, but Jonghyun itches to ask Minhyun for a favor.
“I know you've done enough for us already, but can I ask you to do one last thing for me, please?”
The other nods quickly, “I really hate to think about Aaron being alone at home for nearly two weeks, so if it's not much trouble, could you check on him and visit him?”
“Of course.” Minhyun looks gentle when he agrees, and Jonghyun can't even believe he's even agreed to go on a trip with Aaron’s condition this helpless.
“Thank you.” Jonghyun sighs. “It'll help me be at ease.”
Minhyun looks very tired, but he keeps the conversation going for both of their sakes. “Aaron said you're a photographer, right?”
Jonghyun nods and after a second of contemplation opens the backpack he has on his lap. Minhyun watches in silence as he takes out a camera out of a black case and turns it on with expertise.
There's a soft clicking sound each time Jonghyun skips through the pictures in the camera, and he goes all the way down to show Minhyun pictures from months ago.
“Aaron hates pictures.” Jonghyun explains, steadily going through them. Most of them with Aaron in them.
Minhyun hums but points at the screen with a soft laugh. “He's smiling in all of them, though.”
Jonghyun nods, a very sad smile on his face. “He's always happy.”
He looks into Aaron’s beaming eyes in all of the old pictures as if it's an obsession consuming him and he speaks even more quietly. “Sometimes I wonder how he does it.”
—
Jonghyun takes his last clients for the day in a very polite and bright behaviour. He easily begins instructing the family of three how to sit and where to look, and he snaps family pictures worth of display. His heavy heart makes him smile when the little boy starts whining that his eyes hurt because of the flash, and it's their cue to end the photo session.
As he readies his belongings to return home, he re-checks tomorrow’s flight information and digs the palms of his hands on the table in slight temper.
(“We should cancel our plane tickets” Jonghyun had told him the week Aaron had been diagnosed. But Aaron looked at him guiltily and secretively, so Jonghyun started to imagine where the conversation was going.
“I've… I already canceled mine.”
“No.” Jonghyun said and it was staggering. “No. Whatever you're gonna say, don't even think I—”
“You're going, Jonghyun.”
“I'm not.”
“Yes you are. And you'll have fun. And you'll take beautiful pictures, and eat good food, and ride on a yacht.”
“We were gonna do all of those together! If it's not with you, I don't want to go.”
“Don't say that. I can live the experience through your pictures when you come back.”
Jonghyun looked like Aaron had just slapped him on the face with the most offensive joke of the century.
“I don't want you to live through my pictures, Aaron. I want you in them.”
“At least let me die knowing that you went to Sweden and Norway like you always wanted. And that you accomplished that trip successfully. Do it for me. Jonghyun, I'm begging you to do this for me.”)
Jonghyun's breathing halts at the memory and he allows the stray tears to silently roll down his cheeks. The walls of his studio carry all the secrets and all the tears he's shed in the last few weeks, and he hopes that they stay here for a very long time. Aaron doesn't deserve it.
He returns home early because they have a reservation at the seafood restaurant at seven. There’s a slight tremor on his eyebrow when he locks the door to his studio and holds the worn out satchel on his other hand.
As soon as he walks inside their home, he sees that the bathroom’s lights are on and Aaron's back is visible from near the doorstep. Jonghyun walks toward him and checks him out shamelessly. He whistles like a high schooler.
“Why are you all dressed up?” Jonghyun smiles. “I'm gonna want you to stay at home with me tonight instead.”
Aaron puckers his lips to kiss Jonghyun’s nose. “Didn't you miss the tie? I forgot how good I looked.”
“Did you really?” He laughs genuinely.
“I want people to see that the great, rich entrepreneur is taking his hot boyfriend to an expensive dinner date.”
Jonghyun laughs and starts heading to their bedroom to change clothes as well. “Guess the tie really does wonders. But you're far from a rich entrepreneur. The tie doesn't do magic, honey.”
Aaron's laugh is refreshing to hear, and the bathroom’s echo makes it expand through the thin walls of their house. “Watch me prove you very wrong.”
—
He doesn't exactly prove him wrong, but Jonghyun loves that the ridiculous piece of red cloth on his neck makes Aaron stroll confidently down the entrance of the restaurant. Jonghyun holds his hand and wonders if the people are staring at them because they're asking themselves how come Jonghyun is so lucky and managed to score himself a beautiful man like Aaron.
It must be that.
They look at the menú and he subconsciously picks the cheapest plate he can find in such a high cuisine place, and Aaron orders shrimp and a cocktail for an unwilling Jonghyun.
“Just accept it,” Aaron says easily. “It's completely fine. This is the money I would've used for a cocktail in the yacht in Sweden anyway.”
Jonghyun doesn't say anything.
They act as if they were celebrating their fiftieth anniversary from the way they start to reminisce about how they met. They met in Italy nearly seven years ago in a backpacking trip (in Aaron’s case) and a landscaping photo-travel (of Jonghyun's). It's always whimsical to recall, because they'd both booked possibly the most questionable rooms in the shadiest hostel in the whole country, but it was the beginning for them.
(There had been a sort of camping place on the hostel grounds where a lot of people (mostly backpackers) were gathered and talking one night. Jonghyun approached the place because people were loud and drunk out of their minds, and even though he initially wanted to complain about it to the hostel’s owner, he hadn't been able to keep the man with the three buttons from his shirt undone out of his head, and he stared in disbelief as he played the guitar. He looked young and lively, and there'd been a sense of physical attraction that had him join the fireplace in silent admiration.
“What's your name?” He asked before midnight. Jonghyun found out his room was the one across his and they crossed paths before going to sleep.
“Aaron.” He replied, but it seemed so sudden that his expression showed that he was taken aback. The smell of beer was strong, so Jonghyun only nodded.
“You play the guitar really well.”
Aaron leaned on the wood of his respective room’s door and he smiled. If Jonghyun had been awfully struck by his presence and appearance before, he felt it more scalding when he looked at him like that.
“Did you come alone?” Aaron asked instead.
Jonghyun didn't want to overthink it, but Aaron looked hopeful. “Yeah,” He nodded, “I'm alone.”
“You should join us tomorrow, then.”
There was a second of doubt but Jonghyun would be lying if he said that Aaron wasn't one of the most intriguing people he'd met in his entire life. “I also came alone, but we're going to Cascate del Toce with a small group.”
He unlocked the door to his room and replied quietly with enough mystery. “I'll think about it.”
But before he could close it and disappear from Aaron’s sight, he heard him call out again. “Wait!”
Jonghyun opened the door enough to see him standing near his door, and his hair fell down in a way that had Jonghyun itching to put it back in place.
“I didn't get your name.”
There was hope and there was a flicker in his eyes when they locked gazes. “Kim Jonghyun.”)
“You wanted to get in my pants so bad.” Jonghyun points out and Aaron nearly chokes with his cocktail.
He looks at him in the eyes with shame but he doesn't stay behind, “You accepted a stranger's offer to visit a waterfall. You were equally as interested in getting it on with me.”
“I agreed because I would get to take landscape pictures.”
“You took more pictures of me, though.”
It's his turn to grow red. “You were shirtless.” Jonghyun quietly mutters. “Counts as landscapes.”
They eat in paused talk, and sometime before dessert, they hold each other’s hands and speak comfortably until the waiter brings them tea and sugar. Aaron looks at Jonghyun carefully and smiles to himself when he asks the woman for stevia, and he feels ridiculously giddy when Aaron stares at him like he's the most beautiful person in the world.
Jonghyun waits for Aaron outside of the restaurant as he pays with his credit card, and he looks at the sky and sinks into his long coat.
“Should we get back home?” Aaron asks once they're inside the car and the heater is on. But for some absurd reason, Jonghyun can't keep it to himself anymore and he starts to tear up when he meets Aaron’s eyes.
“I wish we could just stop time right here.” He whispers.
Aaron holds his hand and kisses his knuckles one by one. His lips tremble a little before he can stutter out words. “We can't afford to lose time anymore, Jonghyun. Think of it like that instead.”
He starts nodding, because he doesn't know what else to say. He's so selfish all the time and he's not the one fading.
“When you're in Norway, I want you to watch the sky closely.” Aaron says and he feels the words stabbing at his heart. “Look up and picture it's me with you. Watching the sea and listening to the stars.”
He evens out his breathing. “Wouldn't it be… the other way around?”
“Why should it?”
There's something in Aaron’s eyes that makes him want to question his sanity. “How can I listen to the stars?”
“Try it out for me.”
“Okay.” He says and he's honest. “I'll try it out.”
Aaron smiles; he's so beautiful when he does. “Thank you.”
—
He realizes that time means absolutely nothing when the airplane lands in Stockholm after ten hours of shifting on his plane seat. His legs are cramped, and he's been really considerate towards whoever sat behind him and constantly kicked his seat, but he can tell that as soon as he walks out of the plane and the breeze hits his face momentarily, he wishes he could crawl back inside and stay there until winter is over.
He watches the people come and go through the glass gates of the airport and gets a little nervous when he walks out of the arrivals room to pick up his luggage. There's a few other Korean people and he knows that he'll struggle from now on when he's alone and fights to figure out things with the limited English he's learned at high school. But he focuses; his hands inside his pockets and he sighs in relief when he finds the hotel shuttle at the exit of the airport
The winter wonderland views make him forget his name and what he's doing so far from home for a whole minute. It looks so incredibly majestic that he's taking pictures before he can even register that his finger is pressing on the shutter. He wants to show it to someone, but he sits alone in the bus. There's a heavy sensation of heartache spreading throughout his whole body, but he pushes the thoughts away and watches the snow and frozen lakes in silent admiration.
It's beautiful, just like he expected it to be. He tells Aaron exactly that when he calls him as soon as he has internet access on the hotel room Aaron reserved and paid for. The sheets are clean and cold to the touch, and he thinks about all the possible things he could be doing now if Aaron was here with him instead.
They end the call shortly after, and Jonghyun grows tense because Aaron sounds beyond unwell as much as he attempted to hide it from him. When he went to the airport last night, he didn't allow Aaron to go with him because it was way too cold for his own good, and not even scarves, mittens, or padded coats were convincing enough to protect him from the endless possibilities of hypothermia. They said goodbye and kissed warmly at home, and he was off in a taxi with a busy mind.
Jonghyun wants to call Aaron’s doctor, but he settles on the couch and breathes out a couple times before he loses his entire lucidity.
Tomorrow he'll visit the Djurgården very early in the morning, so he rummages through his suitcase as he waits for the bathroom's tub to fill.
Even though it's awfully quiet and lonely, he remembers years ago when he travelled for pictures only. There was no one asking him to turn the light on, and there was no one playing the guitar in the room like he had grown used to. But he carries on with it for Aaron; because he made him promise.
And he doesn't want to break any promises in the last couple moments they have left.
—
He meets a Korean couple in the same tour bus; they try to talk to him because he spends his time looking at the sky and taking pictures which apparently peaks their interest. He barely pays any attention to what the tour guide explains, and Jonghyun briefly wonders why Aaron booked him a tour in the first place. He doesn't understand half of what the tour guide says anyways, and he had politely refused to purchase the earphones that came with a Korean explanation.
It feels good to speak in his language after his efforts of communicating in English with locals, and he learns that they label each other as a ‘travel couple’, which is different to backpackers according to their explanation.
They're young and lively, and Jonghyun can't help but recall what it felt like to travel the world with Aaron and rely completely on themselves with no tour guide, barely any idea of the languages of the places they visited, and enough money to explore, book a hostel, and eat decently.
He doesn't know when he starts speaking about himself and Aaron, but the couple looks at him with tender empathy. “He's great,” he mentions to them with shaky hands, “he's always so charming with everyone and he helps people and listens to them. He doesn't deserve it.”
The couple leave him on his own with a piece of advice that he takes to heart, and they're off in separate ways. Jonghyun takes a few pictures with his film camera, but he calls it a day when the sunset starts to set and the sky threatens to become dark.
He calls Aaron when he's back in his hotel room, and he's relieved when he hears that Minhyun visited him earlier. He coughs and tells Jonghyun that it seems that he's caught a cold, but he reassures him that he's fine when he presses about it. There's doubt in his voice, but Jonghyun doesn't comment on it.
“Oh, I met a couple today. They've been together for two years and came on a trip around Europe for a month. It reminded me of us, in a way.”
“A month sounds tiring.” Aaron adds.
“I guess. We've done a month before, though.”
“We were a little crazy.”
Jonghyun laughs. “I think your age is speaking right now.”
“Hey, watch it! I'm not even thirty yet!”
And he laughs again, easy like that.
—
Sweden indeed is breathtaking, and he finds it a little bit insane that he's been there for nearly five days already. He walks down the airport’s duty free as he looks at expensive watches and colognes; he manages to get some souvenirs for his family and some magnets for their fridge, and just like that, his flight to Norway is embarking as quickly as his visit to Sweden had concluded.
Norway is colder than Sweden and his skin breaks into goosebumps as soon as he takes a step out of the airport of Oslo. He has a connecting flight to Bergen later in the night, so he explores the capital and takes pictures worthy of museums.
His camera is heavy around his neck, but he makes sure to carry it everywhere he goes. Aaron would have loved this, he thinks every time he snaps a picture. He's not doing it because of himself at this point; his every move and picture is granted for Aaron who waits for him at home. It's a bit reassuring as much as worrying, but he continues, knowing that this is what Aaron wants him to do.
Even though he's been far from home for five (almost six) days now, he doesn't know whether he can stay around for the equivalence of two weeks as the travel plan Aaron made is meant to be. Norway already feels too lonely for him to bear, and thinking about boarding an airplane to Finland in the next three days make him undoubtedly anxious.
He doesn't call Aaron because he supposes that he should give him some time to rest, but on his second day of Norway, he returns to the hotel room in Bergen with ice-cold hands and alarmingly, to way too many messages from Minhyun.
Without reading them properly at all, he calls in an instant. For a second, he wishes he would have given himself some time to calm down, but as soon as Minhyun picks up, he's tormenting him with questions.
Minhyun is very quiet, figuring that he's at the waiting room, and he whispers that Aaron has been hospitalized. His voice is a little broken in the edges and Jonghyun tries hard enough to keep the line of curses and caterwauls inside his head. He sounds restless enough to break Jonghyun’s last strand of patience and he hangs up with a last “thank you,” and in time to visit the airline’s website to request a change in the return date of his flight. He can't take it anymore, and he doesn't care that he'll have to pay a lot of extra money to make up for the new ticket date, but Aaron is infinitely more important than a stupid trip to Europe.
He doesn't call Aaron, but he calls his doctor to make sure he's okay. There's something about the voice he uses that makes it one hundred times worse. “He's very sick,” he says, “I don't want to lie to you, Jonghyun. It's not looking good.”
He doesn't leave the hotel room that day. If he could, he'd be back in Seoul right now. But the camera and all the film in his bag carry a heavy weight of guilt as he thinks about all the places Aaron wants him to see. All the places he wants to show to him when he's back home.
It's unexpected that he receives a call from him a few hours later; it's already midnight for Jonghyun but Aaron must have forgotten. He still picks up right away, heart nearly stopping when he hears Aaron on the other line. He breathes out and he can't help but sniff violently.
“How are you?” He sounds in an attempt to hide that his heart is in his throat.
He pictures Aaron’s frail figure on the hospital’s bed. He hopes he's not too cold; he hopes he's wearing the extra socks he always reminds him to wear. “I've had better days, but I'm okay.”
“Don't lie to me for my own good,” Jonghyun’s voice fails him, “you can be honest with me. If it hurts tell me it hurts. Are you okay?”
Aaron sighs. “I don't want you to worry about my condition when you're meant to be having a good time.”
It's probably the wrong thing to say to him. Especially in that moment when he regrets ever taking this trip. “I'm not , for God’s sake, Aaron. When are you gonna understand that no, I'm not having the time of my life while I travel around the world alone when I was meant to do it with the love of my fucking life?”
“Then find him.” Aaron sounds desperate. “Find the love of your life in that journey.”
“I already found him and it's you!” Jonghyun yells. “How could you tell me something like that!”
He can't differentiate whether it's his crying or Aaron’s that echoes through the call, but he's quickly chanting apologies in between. He covers his face with his hands and his phone falls to the mattress of the bed.
“Fuck.” Jonghyun wails, then. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck .”
The phone isn't near his ear but he can hear Aaron's voice. “I'm sorry.”
“No, fuck.” He suffocates with his own words. “No, don't say sorry. I’m sorry. I'm so sorry. Fuck. Why did it have to be you? Fuck!”
The tears on his cheeks stain his life completely. When he reaches to hold his phone back to his ear, he hiccups. “Aaron, I think I should go back home.”
“What?” He can hear Aaron shifting on the bed sheets. “You still… You still have Finland left.”
“You're withering , Aaron.” Jonghyun breaches. “I don't give a shit about snow and lakes and pictures of these places when my only reason to live right now is fatally ill and I'm not even there to do anything about it.”
There's silence but Aaron still shakes upon whimpers.
“And you've already visited Finland. We have hundreds of pictures all around the house.” He finishes with a shaky breath. “I'm going back home, Aaron.”
“Do you remember when I...” His voice is so small Jonghyun presses his ear harder against the phone. “When I promised you a ride on a yacht? We'd drink wine and I'd play the guitar for you.”
Jonghyun nods as if he could see him. “Of course I remember.”
“If you want to come early, I'll understand. Take Finland out but please just go to the fjords in Norway. Ride the yacht I reserved. Please do it for me.”
His heart physically hurts when he agrees to make Aaron happy one last time. “But only that.” His voice sounds adamant and his jaw is set in complete seriousness. “Once I get off from the yacht, I'm going back home.”
“Okay.” Aaron says. “Okay. I'll be waiting for you.”
—
“Sorry I can’t play the guitar,” Aaron says through the call. “I would have brought it to the hospital if I knew you'd have internet connection inside the yacht.”
Jonghyun shakes his head and looks at the waves. They're beautiful and he wonders if he'd freeze to death if he jumped into the water right now. He looks back at his phone and he makes sure the call is still connected. “It's okay. I'm happy you get to be here at least.”
He's (They're?) somewhere in Hardangerfjord , cruising the fascinating fjords, taking in the impressive glaciers and the last strands of sunlight before the subset hits at three in the afternoon.
“Is it very beautiful?” Aaron asks thousands of kilometers away; Jonghyun nods because for a moment he's too awestruck in the scenery that he forgets their circumstances.
“Jonghyun?”
He's shaken back to reality. “Yeah it's…” He pulls the phone closer and he takes a deep breath, “it's beyond beautiful, Aaron. I don't think I can explain it with words.”
“I can't wait to see your pictures.” Aaron says and Jonghyun remembers to take a few before it gets dark. “Take sky ones. With stars and clouds.”
“I wish you were here to… see it yourself.” And he doesn't care that his voice shakes with tremors, but he cares that Aaron seems to stop breathing at the realization.
“Me…” He pauses. “Me too.”
“But I'll show you.” He reminds him, and it sounds awfully hopeful. “I'll show them all to you. Stars and clouds. And fjords and the yacht. And the expensive wine I'm drinking right now, too.”
Aaron is briefly silent but Jonghyun knows it's nothing detrimental. He must be smiling.
“Take as many as you can.” He says after a minute. “You're the best photographer in the world, so I don't want to miss a thing.”
He holds the camera up and takes a picture of the sky. “Don't worry, you won't.”
—
His flight back home proves to be the most difficult task in the past few years. There's something about the depth and inner turmoil that is to return home and know that things can either end very abruptly, or continue for an unknown time. He wishes he could be more positive, but when he's going inside the familiar hospital and sitting down next to Minhyun who looks at him in surprise, he doesn't have any explanation and hopes the other man understands.
He probably does, because he doesn't ask and Jonghyun doesn't say anything to him either.
When Aaron is allowed visitors, Minhyun doesn't enter the room and urges Jonghyun to have him for himself. Jonghyun doesn't say anything, but he gives him a grateful look that hopefully he understands.
Aaron smiles at him from the bed and Jonghyun breaks into tears; he doesn't know whether it's joy of seeing him after what felt eternal, or whether it's the sinking feeling of his heart as he watches him deflate and deteriorate within seconds.
“I missed you so… much.” Jonghyun weeps and he covers his face with his hands. “I'm so ha-happy you're oh-okay.”
“I'm okay.” He responds and Jonghyun chooses to believe him for now. “I'm gonna be okay.”
And he spends the whole afternoon with him. There's lots of pictures they discuss about, and even though Aaron always jokes and teases him about being a nerd with his photography terms, he watches and listens in curiosity as Jonghyun explains about the opacity and shadows in each new shot.
“This one's my favorite.” Aaron says after Jonghyun prods him to pick one. “Was it Norway?”
“It was Sweden.” Jonghyun muses. “Why this one, though?”
“I don't really know? It's really pretty.”
Jonghyun stares at the picture and wonders what exactly is special about it. It's a sunset picture with Stockholm’s buildings and skyscrapers in the distance. There's fog, or pollution—he can't really tell—and it's a little unfocused. Nevertheless, Jonghyun stares at Aaron and loves how much attention he seems to put in each picture he shows him.
“You should make an album with all of these. And the ones in film too. They're even more beautiful.”
They watch the pictures every day without a fault for the next week or so before Aaron’s condition truly worsens to everyone’s despair.
Jonghyun isn't allowed to visit him everyday anymore, because he's asleep more frequently than awake; and truthfully, he starts to worry and accepts that if Aaron stops breathing altogether, he'll grieve until the day his life is taken away from him too.
But for now, he watches Aaron shrink in size and energy. His lips are always pressed in a delicate smile when Jonghyun sits on the chair next to his bed, but there's minimal contact for a couple of days before the inevitable happens.
It's warm in his assigned hospital room, but Jonghyun feels jittery and cold for some reason. The small television is on, yet Aaron stares at the wall underneath it instead.
Jonghyun has already made and given Aaron an album with the best of his pictures, and he clutches it under his right arm like a selfish little boy; he looks through the pages every night and before he can call it a day today, he looks over at Jonghyun and makes a noise behind his dry throat.
“Can I ask you something?”
Jonghyun doesn't answer but looks at him properly instead. His head nods and encourages him to continue.
“Which one has been your favorite so far?”
His heartbeat is steady for some reason. “My favorite what?”
“Trip.”
Jonghyun is quietly thoughtful. He realizes pretty late that he doesn't have a clue. “I'd never thought much about it. I think all of them were my favorite someway.”
Aaron nods like he understands, but there's doubt. “You really can't pick one?”
“I don't think so.”
Aaron nods again, wordless, but Jonghyun feels like he's missing something very important. He doesn't know what, though, and he watches as Aaron blinks tiredly and falls asleep very shortly after their conversation. Jonghyun kisses his forehead and walks out of the room because his visitors time would end soon. He glances at his sleeping figure one last time and realizes that he forgot to ask him for his favorite trip in return.
He closes the door to his room as quietly as he can, and chews on his lip. It's okay. He can ask him tomorrow.
But tomorrow doesn't come for one of them, and December takes Kwak Aaron’s life as easily and silently as the whiff of narcotics would have taken over him eventually as he visited him at the hospital every morning.
They warned them that winter would be very uncertain, but even like that—everyone coincided that Aaron was a warrior— so Jonghyun abhorred that he hadn't once thought that last night would truly be their last.
He's alone in the waiting room because he can't even find it in himself to call Minhyun and tell him about it. But he doesn't know what he's waiting for exactly. He's not coming back. Aaron’s not coming out of the analysis room with a bandaid on his arm where the blood samples were taken from. In fact, he's never going to see his face again and he'll never get to hear him complain about his chemotherapy session.
There's the weight in his chest that reminds him that he should have expected it. He should have been ready for it, because it would happen eventually . But he hates that he's gone today and not tomorrow instead.
He hadn't been there to console him or hold his hand. Or tell him that Italy was his all time favourite because he'd met him there and they'd fallen in love; but Jonghyun holds to his last strings of hope and prays that Aaron knew. That he'd somehow read his mind before he left, and that he'd known that Italy would always be his favorite place in heart and soul no matter what.
He closes his eyes and lets himself cry it all out. For some reason he doesn't feel as guilty and selfish now. But maybe that's because Aaron wouldn't get to catch him or see him crying anymore.
With that thought repeating in his head, he sobs until tomorrow. And until the day after that.
—
Minhyun serenely looks at all the pictures Jonghyun shows him from their spot on the tiled floor.
“I think about this all the time.” He says and he lowers the camera on his lap. “If I would have known that South Korea’s winter would take him, he could have travelled to Sweden and Norway with me, you know?”
Minhyun sighs. “Yeah, but you shouldn't dwell on that now.”
“Yeah, I know. I'm really not.” And he's honest about it.
They place the last couple of boxes near the doorstep and Minhyuns wipes his hands on his worn out jeans. Jonghyun realizes he's never seen him wearing jeans before. “Well, if you need any more help with the moving, just call me. I can bring my friend Dongho. He'd gladly help, too.”
Jonghyun hums and he smiles a little. Not quite reaching his eyes, but he tries nevertheless. “Thank you, Minhyun. You've done too much for us.”
He shakes it off with a hand gesture. “It's really nothing. It's the least I can do.”
Once he's gone, Jonghyun sits down on the floor next to the box that has all of their photo albums and portraits. The floor is dusty, and the hardcovers of the albums have a thin layer of dust as well, but Jonghyun wipes it all away with his long sleeve. He starts laughing to himself at the one picture where they'd visited his family during Christmas and they'd been forced into ridiculous seasonal sweaters.
He sits and flips through the pages of the albums he'd made over the years, and something in him sinks when he sees the familiar brown cover of Italy’s album.
“Your hair was a disaster,” He mutters to no one, and his smile grows for a reason. “I don't really know what I saw in you, but it was the best thing I’ve ever done.”
The pages are a little worn out from the years, but every picture is intact and clear. Aaron’s smile looks genuine and beautiful even when they were little more than strangers at the time. But he laughs and recalls the events as if Aaron sat next to him, and he points at their clothes and cries a little at the memory of their first night together.
“Italy for sure.” He murmurs when he reaches the last page of the photo album.
And for some reason, he knows that Aaron would look at him through his long lashes right now and nod easily like he loved to do, and he swears he hears it in his voice when he closes his eyes for a second.
“Don't worry Jonghyun,” He would laugh. “I know.”