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Sam had just sat down at the lunch table and taken a bite of his sandwich when he noticed eyes on him. Looking up, his eyes met those of half the glee club. “Is there something on my face?” he asked as he swallowed his bit of sandwich. Marley, Jake, and Ryder shook their heads nearly in unison.
“Where’s your better half?” Artie asked. Unique snorted.
“I’m not his keeper,” Sam said before taking another bite.
Unique nearly snorted again but instead she held up a finger to get everyone’s attention. “Okay, is no one else going to point out that he went with Blaine rather than his actual girlfriend?”
“Does it need to be pointed out?” Ryder commented.
Jake shrugged. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure we got that.”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Very funny. Me and Blaine are like a couple. Very original.”
“No, but I really want to know where Blaine is,” Artie insisted. “He’s not still in the library is he? He was there this morning and then again during his free period. He’s been tugging at his hair so hard it has actually escaped the gel.”
“He skipped lunch yesterday, too,” Marley piped up.
“Great,” Sam grumbled, standing and shoving most of his own sandwich in his mouth before leaving the table and heading for the library. Sam and Blaine hadn’t spoken much this week, Blaine focusing on his college applications. Of course, when Sam’s dad had heard that, he made Sam buckle down with those stupid things, too. Sam didn’t know how to tell his dad that he wasn’t even sure he wanted to go to college. You couldn’t just say that to your lawyer parents.
When Sam got to the library, sure enough Blaine was still there at the computers and his gel was, as Artie pointed out, starting to fade. Sighing, Sam marched over to him. “Okay, you’re going to save whatever it is you’re working on and come to lunch.”
Blaine didn’t acknowledge him as he was currently worrying his lip and staring at the computer screen. “Dude, come on!” Sam repeated, crossing his arms. “You have to stop skipping lunch.”
That got a reaction. Blaine absentmindedly gestured to a half-eaten apple next to him, before turning his attention back to the computer. A beat. “How do you explain to a scholarship committee why you gave up a full scholarship to a prestigious high school and why you wouldn’t do that again if they rewarded you a scholarship?”
Sam threw himself into the vacant seat next to Blaine. “Is this really about college applications? Dude, your neck in neck with Tina and Artie for valedictorian, you belong to like a million clubs, you’re class president…what else can you put on those? Stop worrying.”
“Some of us don’t have enough money to stop worrying. If I don’t get a scholarship I’m going to be stuck at state, or worse community college,” Blaine snapped.
Sam tried not to let that get to him. He knew Blaine was stressed about paying for college. It was bad enough that Blaine’s dream school, NYADA, only gave five scholarships a year, most of them partial; he didn’t need Sam losing patience with him. But still that struck a nerve. “Well, I’m sorry if you end up with those of us too stupid to get in anywhere else.”
Blaine finally tore his eyes away from the screen, his face falling as he saw the look on Sam’s face. “Hey, I didn’t mean it like that,” he insisted. “It’s just…I want to get out of Ohio. I want to go to a good school and not be stuck in Ohio for the rest of my life.” Blaine reached for Sam. “You get that right?”
And just like that Sam’s anger faded. “I’d switch with you if I could,” Sam insisted.
“You don’t want to be poor, Sam,” Blaine told him with a small smile. “My parents are lucky it’s just me these days. Kids are expensive.” His shoulders sagged. “Kids wanting to go to college are expensive. My father keeps telling me that if I want to be a performer like my brother, I don’t really need school. That I should either follow my brother to LA or make college useful and become a doctor or something. Mom would love a doctor in the family.”
“Who cares what they think,” Sam said, putting a hand on Blaine’s shoulder. “You’re going to get into a great school and they’re going to train you to be a big Broadway star—not some pretty face for commercials.”
Blaine smiled to himself before glancing over at Sam. “You think my face is pretty?” he teased.
“The prettiest,” Sam promised before shoving Blaine. “Now take that pretty face with you to the cafeteria and eat something.” Standing, he watched as Blaine saved what he had been working on. They headed out of the library and towards the cafeteria together.
“Sam, wait,” Blaine stopped him as they reached the cafeteria doors. Sam turned to face him expectantly, a little worried about how seriously Blaine was looking at him. “You’re not stupid, you know? You can do anything you want. I mean, you have a lot of talent.”
“Thanks, Blaine,” Sam said, not sure how to react. Blaine was looking at him the way he sometimes did. They way that made Blaine’s secret crush on him not so secret.
“It’s just…” Blaine took a breath. “I can help you with your college applications. You’re right. Mine are as good as they’re going to get and, well, I want colleges to see how amazing you are even if you don’t always see it.”
Sam stared at Blaine’s earnest expression for a moment, his stomach flipping in a way that it sometimes did when Blaine got like this with him. He ignored it, figuring it was the compliments. He wasn’t exactly getting a lot of them lately, especially after his horrible SAT scores. He could just imagine how terribly he would have done if his parents didn’t pay for extra SAT classes.
“I’m not sure if I want to go to college,” Sam admitted out loud. And it was such a relief to get off his chest.
Blaine looked surprised for a moment but quickly reined it in. “Then what do you want to do?” Blaine asked, standing straighter as if he himself would make it happen. Sam couldn’t help but smile a little.
“Model maybe? Join a band?” Sam shrugged. “I’m just not cut out for school. I don’t want another four years of it. And what would I do with a degree anyway?”
“You need a degree for most jobs, Sam,” Blaine pointed out tentatively. “But,” he went on before Sam could interrupt. “If you want to model, then go for it. Mr. Shue is always telling us to go for our dreams. If that is what your dream is, you should try.”
Sam could only tug Blaine in for a hug. As Blaine’s arms wrapped around him and his chin found its place over Sam’s shoulder, Sam could only think about how he was going to break it to his parents, because like this he really did feel like he could do anything.
A Year Later
Not for the first time, Sam returned to the loft to find an argument in progress.
“—being ridiculous!” came Blaine’s voice as Sam quietly slid the door shut behind him. “Forget the fact that you want him to leave and I don’t, you’re forgetting the fact that I can’t afford paying this rent without the fourth roommate.”
Sam froze, not wanting Kurt and Blaine to know he was back. Blaine wasn’t telling him much about what he and his fiancé were arguing about these days and honestly Sam wanted to know.
“It’s only another $200 a month. Rachel and I were paying much more when it was just the two of us,” Kurt insisted.
“Another $200 a month is $2,400 a year,” Blaine snapped. “That’s money I could be saving so that I can pay for the part of tuition NYADA won’t be covering for me next year.”
“Okay, then I could pay that part of your share,” Kurt tried. “Or Rachel and I can split it. Four in this loft is just too much.”
Sam’s stomach sunk as he realized they were arguing about kicking him out. Was the only reason Blaine didn’t want him gone money? Sam knew that Blaine was obsessing about money lately, working too many jobs so that he could afford NYADA next year as was the plan with his deferment. And Blaine was exhausted all the time because of it, causing more tension with Kurt. But Sam thought Blaine wanted him around. Sam needed Blaine to want him around because Blaine was too important to him to lose.
“I won’t let people pay my way, Kurt,” Blaine’s voice grew dark. “And you’re missing the point that you want me to kick out my best friend. Though I don’t know why I’m surprised. You won’t even let me bring a couch into this apartment, why would you let my friend stay?”
“Don’t give me that,” Kurt snapped back. “Sam is my friend, too. There are just too many people here. And that couch had bed bugs!”
“That’s not the point,” Blaine growled. “You weren’t happy with the couch even before we found out about the bed bugs.”
“Don’t make this argument about couches. This loft is too crowded. You’re always working as it is and with Sam around we don’t even get any alone time. I just want to be alone with you sometimes. Maybe things will be better then.”
“Somehow I doubt that’s the issue,” Blaine said so quietly that Sam barely heard him. He couldn’t help but lean forward.
“What do you mean by that?” Kurt responded.
“You didn’t look to happy to see me when I brought you lunch at NYADA the other day. Or when I visited you at the diner on my break. Somehow I don’t think you really want to be alone with me at all,” Blaine spoke a little louder this time and Sam hated how he sounded. Like he was trying not to cry.
“I’m not the one that doesn’t even want to have sex. You rather lounge on the couch with Sam.”
And just as Sam was getting really uncomfortable (and annoyingly interested) with his eaves-dropping, he was saved from his own curiosity by Rachel’s loud arrival. “Hi, Sam!” she announced herself, pausing in the doorway. Sam’s eyes grew wide like a deer caught in headlights as the sound of curtains being thrown open reached his ears. He braced himself for an awkward situation, not wanting to turn around even as Rachel glanced worriedly over his shoulder.
“Excuse me, I have to go to work,” came Blaine’s upset voice as he pushed past them. Rachel turned to watch him leave before whirling back around expectantly.
“What happened here?” Rachel asked, looking from Sam to Kurt. Sure enough Kurt was just a few feet from him avoiding his eyes.
“I have no idea,” Sam insisted unconvincingly. “I’m going to…go someplace. Yeah.” And he hurried past Rachel and out of the loft of awkward.
*********************
Unsurprisingly, by the time Sam returned to the loft, Rachel had taken Kurt out to unwind as had become the ritual for dealing with Blaine and Kurt’s fights. What was surprising was that Blaine was home from work already, sitting on the couch with his hands in his hair. Sam quietly shut the door behind him and made his way to the couch. He carefully sat himself beside his best friend.
“We could get our own apartment,” Sam offered. “It doesn’t even have to be in Manhattan or Brooklyn. I’m sure we can find something that would fit your budget.” Or else they could find something that Sam claims fits the budget and ask his parents for the money. They didn’t seem to mind paying most of his rent as long as he was booking modeling gigs somewhat regularly.
Blaine made a weird sound in the back of his throat that sounded like a strangled sob. “I can’t do this anymore,” Blaine said to the floor. “They sent me home from work because I was so off today. They thought I was sick.” He turned to look at Sam and if Sam didn’t know any better, perhaps he would think Blaine was sick too. Blaine looked terrible. Upset and exhausted. And Sam just wanted to pull him in and not let him go. It was a feeling he was fighting more and more lately. It wasn’t appropriate for Sam to do that with another man’s fiancé. Even if Sam was straight which these days he wasn’t so sure about.
“You’re pushing yourself too hard,” Sam told him. “You’re working too hard.”
“I can handle the work,” Blaine said. “I mean I was always going in high school too.” He turned his gaze to the floor again. “I can’t handle the fighting on top of it,” he admitted. “I don’t feel comfortable in what should be my own home and everything turns into a fight. I mean you heard.”
Sam shifted so that he was closer to Blaine, hoping it would comfort him, but also push him to talk more. “You should’ve told me.”
“Told you what?” Blaine scoffed. “That I don’t even feel comfortable leaving a coffee cup out at home? That Kurt wants me to kick you out? That I keep telling him that I don’t want to sleep with him?”
“Anything!” Sam insisted. “Everything! Like we used to.”
“Aren’t those the kind of things I should be sharing with my fiancé?” Blaine asked, tears welling up in his eyes. “If I can’t even talk about it with Kurt, how would it be right for me to talk about it with you?”
“Because we’re best friends,” Sam told him very slowly, upset with himself for not confronting Blaine earlier. Of course he had noticed the fights and sure the lack of sex was a bad sign, one that Sam had of course noticed because there were no walls in the loft. But he had been a little too relieved that the sex stopped to be worried. No more sex meant no more hearing the two of them. Which meant no more sex dreams of Blaine. Or at least fewer.
“I don’t want you to leave,” Blaine told him. “You being here is one of the only reasons I feel like I belong in New York. I’m not in school yet. I’m not performing. Kurt doesn’t even seem so sure he wants me in his space. Why am I here?”
“You’re here because you are going to be at NYADA next year. And then you’re going to kick ass there,” Sam informed him. “Even forgetting the whole fiancé thing, you wanted to be here—not Ohio. New York City and NYADA is your dream.”
“NYADA just seems so far off,” Blaine admitted. “Like I’m never going to get there.”
“Just a few months,” Sam reminded him. “And with the partial scholarship, your savings, and a job, you’re going to do it. I know you will.”
“Five months,” Blaine agreed. “Just five months and then I’ll be performing again. I can do that.” He didn’t seem convinced.
“You don’t have to wait for NYADA to perform,” Sam said suddenly. “We can do karaoke. Oh, no! We can start a band. Me, you, and Artie. I mean Kurt and Rachel can join if they want to but we need a drummer more than anything. We can hold auditions!” Sam couldn’t help but grow excited. Luckily, the feeling was contagious as Blaine smiled over at him. Sam’s stomach flipped as he recognized the smile. He hadn’t seen that one for about a year. Not since Kurt and Blaine had gotten back together. Sam’s mood dropped as he remembered Kurt. “Do we have to talk about the sex?”
“You don’t want to hear about my sex life,” Blaine flushed a little bit, looking away.
“Technically, it’s your lack of a sex life,” Sam attempted to lighten the mood but it only made Blaine more embarrassed. Sam elbowed him lightly. “Come on, you can tell me anything.”
Blaine glanced at him, biting his lip. Then it all came out at once: “It’s hard…I mean I just don’t feel like it. I’m tired and feel disgusting. I’m pretty sure I gained weight from all the quick meals I have to grab on the go. I just feel like nothing. And I’m scared that Kurt will feel like that about me too if he just looked close enough.”
“You are not nothing,” Sam said very forcefully. “Kurt would never think that. You should never think that.”
“He’s not very happy with me right now,” Blaine said with a shrug. “I should be making him happy, not miserable.”
“And maybe he should be making you happy, too,” Sam leaned forward, making Blaine face him. He met Blaine’s eye. “You deserve to be happy. You are not nothing. I haven’t noticed any weight gain. Even if you have, so what? You’re still gorgeous. You’re still talented and smart and charming. You’re still Blaine.”
“You think I’m gorgeous?” Blaine asked softly. Sam nodded, bringing his hand up to cup Blaine’s jaw.
“Don’t ask surprised. It’s not like I never called you a pretty face,” Sam pointed out with a smile. Blaine returned the smile. It struck Sam that all he had to do was lean in and press his lips against Blaine’s. And he almost did. But he couldn’t be that person. Blaine was miserable. Vulnerable. Not to mention engaged. Sam pulled away. “Now, off to bed,” Sam stood over Blaine, mimicking the way he spoke to his brother and sister. “You’re not feeling well. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
Blaine watched him for a moment before nodding. “Thanks, Sam,” he said earnestly. He stood. “And maybe we should start looking for those apartments you mentioned in the morning.”
“Sure thing,” Sam promised, watching as Blaine headed off to his side of the loft. If Sam were Kurt, he could follow Blaine there. Lay down with him. Make sure he got to sleep. But Sam wasn’t the fiancé. He was the best friend. And he was screwed.
Grabbing his phone, he quickly made his way out of the loft. Once the door was shut behind him, he leaned back and let himself sink to the hallway floor. He quickly dialed.
“Sam?”
“Hey, Tina,” Sam responded miserably.
“Is everything okay?”
“No,” Sam admitted. He searched for a moment for the right words. “I’m sorry about last year. You know, for making fun of your crush on Blaine.”
“In your defense, I think you made fun of the whole incident with the vapo rub more than my actual crush. What’s this about?”
“I think I get what it’s like to be crazy about Blaine Anderson and not standing a chance,” Sam said.
“I’m coming to New York this weekend. Don’t argue. We’ll talk about everything Saturday.” Tina took a breath. “It’s okay, Sam. You know that right? It’s okay to feel this way.”
“He’s engaged,” Sam pointed out miserably. “To one of our friends.”
**************************
The next morning, things were incredibly awkward all around. Blaine and Kurt didn’t seem to be speaking to each other. Sam was trying not to look at either of them and Rachel kept looking like she wanted to say something. She would look from Kurt to Blaine then back again.
Sam was just finishing his cereal and about ready to get out of the kitchen and away from the situation when she finally spoke up. “Blaine, I was wondering if you could help me rehearse one of my songs. You know how much I love to sing with you,” Rachel said very pointedly. Sam furrowed his eyebrows wondering what exactly she was trying to point out.
Blaine, however, seemed to have gotten it if the small but honest smile was anything to go by. “Thanks, Rachel, but I can’t today. Sam and I are going to start looking for apartments.”
That got a reaction out of Kurt. “You’re moving in with him?” Kurt burst out before looking horrified with himself. “Never mind. It’s not any of my business. You do what you want.” He quickly placed his bowl in the sink and headed straight to their side of the loft. Blaine tensed for a moment as Rachel got up to follow him, patting Blaine’s shoulder as she went.
“Let’s go,” Blaine said, watching her disappear. “I don’t think I should be here right now.” Sam could only follow as Blaine grabbed his stuff and left the loft.
Sam followed Blaine’s quick bee-line out of the loft, glancing over his shoulder in confusion. “Okay, what is going on?” he asked as they got out into the street. “That was weird. Are you two still fighting? What was up with Rachel?”
“We broke up,” Blaine burst out.
“You and Rachel?” Sam asked in confusion.
“What? No!” Blaine sent him a look. “Kurt and I. We broke up.”
“When?” Sam asked, feeling completely lost. Blaine and Sam were both asleep before Rachel and Kurt came home the night before.
“Last night,” Blaine told him. “You were sleeping. It was a mutual decision. Sort of.”
“Okay, slow down,” Sam ordered, pulling them to the side and to the edge of the sidewalk so they weren’t in the way of passers-by. “What happened?”
“We weren’t making each other happy anymore,” Blaine told him. “You know that. Everyone knows that. But we were both holding on because we love each other. Except not the way we should be.” At Sam’s confused look he took a breath. “We were both in love with people we aren’t anymore. With a time in our life that is long over. There’s exactly one person in this world that I trust to love me for all of me, even ten pounds heavier and feeling worthless. And it wasn’t my fiancé.”
“So you broke up,” Sam summarized, just trying to process. It just felt like it was happening way too fast. Then again, apparently he had just been asleep for most of it. “Wait, who are you talking about?”
“I heard you last night,” Blaine admitted. “Talking to Tina. But I didn’t need to. Not really. I saw the way you looked at me last night. I was going to talk to you about it but you were on the phone.” He looked away from Sam for a moment and began speaking very quickly. “I know we are best friends and we love each other because of that but last night I felt what I felt last year. That I wanted more from you. And for the first time it felt like I could have that.” He bit his lip, for a moment hesitant before looking back up at him. “That it was something that I really really wanted.”
“Okay, Blaine,” Sam said, letting out a shaky breath, because he had to be jumping to conclusions here. “You’re going to have to dumb it down for me. What are you saying?”
“Do you have feelings for me?” Blaine asked, repeating his question from the year before. This time though he sounded more confident in the answer. Sam looked into Blaine’s hopeful eyes.
“Yes,” Sam breathed out. “I didn’t realize before but I do. You’re…Blaine you’re my best friend and I just want to kiss you.”
“You can,” Blaine said, smiling at him. Grinning, Sam pulled him in and finally did exactly that. Perhaps kissing Blaine should have been awkward, the feeling of the stubble, the firm planes of his body against Sam’s. But it just felt right. He pulled away, even with Blaine’s lips chasing his.
“Maybe I should tell Tina she doesn’t have to come down this weekend?” Sam suggested, taking in the look on Blaine’s face. As if all he wanted to do was just pull Sam back into a kiss.
That seemed to bring Blaine back to himself, however. “No, she should come. Keep me behaving and gathering my thoughts and not doing anything too quickly after breaking off an engagement and…” Blaine stopped himself. “Let’s just go look at apartments. I got a list together last night.” He hesitated as he pulled out the paper. “Wait, should we be living together so soon?”
“Don’t worry about it, Blaine,” Sam told him. “We’ll figure it out.” He threw an arm around Blaine and pointed him in the direction of the subway.
Blaine grinned over at him. “Yeah, we will.”
“Does that mean you’ll let me pick out the apartment and pay the majority of the rent?” Sam asked, taking the paper from Blaine and glancing it over. “You know my parents won’t mind. They offered to pay for an apartment for the two of us just last month.”
“I don’t want anyone to pay my way,” Blaine insisted.
“You’re impossible,” Sam told him. “I have no idea why I like you.”
Blaine shoved him a little a way, grin firmly back on his face. “Don’t start.”
Sam watched as Blaine jogged down the subway steps in front of him. There were things to figure out but this…well this could be amazing. And Sam would convince Blaine to let his parents pay the rent even if it killed him.