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the city is, for the most part, asleep but yet byounggon finds himself wide awake. the young man was never really one to struggle with falling asleep. he was always one of those people who could fall asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow. tonight seems to be a different case however. the white haired teen was restless and couldn't sleep even if he wanted.
he supposes that it's what he deserved in light of the very recent news about kim yonghee's suicide attempt. deep down he knew he deserved worse than a restless night though. the teen sighs softly as he falls back against his bed. focusing on the chipped paint of his ceiling, byounggon allows his mind to wander. it doesn't take long for his thoughts to drift to whenever he witnessed yonghee get beaten.
the past sound of the boy's pained wheezes, cries, and yelps ring in his ears. the mumbled curses, shuffling of feet, and violent kicks meeting soft flesh bounce around in his head. the images of unimportant asshole kicking the shit out of someone who didn't deserve it dances before his eyes. the sad look that cried for help is forever etched in his mind and keeps popping up in his head. the fact that he just stood there and watched will possibly haunt him for the rest of his life.
why had he just stood there and watched an innocent boy get bullied? why hadn't he helped him? why didn't he step in and stop them? why had he decided to just be a bystander? doesn't being a bystander make him just as terrible as those who tormented yonghee?
he could have helped but he isn't sure it would have done any good. for all he knew, it could have made things worse for yonghee. or he could have become a target as well. maybe helping yonghee wouldn't have been worth it. maybe yonghee still would have tried to himself anyways even if he had helped.
guilt washes over him at that thought. the heavy, nasty emotion laps at his mind and squeezes at his heart. who was he to even think something like that? he could have helped and he didn't. he had nothing to lose but yet he had decided that even nothing wasn't worth losing. he had decided that nothingness was better to hold onto than to lend a helping hand to someone who so desperately needed it.
he definitely deserves worse than restless nights.
he knows that he will deserve whatever karma throws at him for the rest of his life.
he deserves it because had he helped then maybe yonghee would n’t have tried to take his own life.
no longer wanting to deal with the unfamiliar feeling that was weighing down his mind and burning at his chest, the white haired teen pushes himself up and out of his bed. without giving it much thought byounggon starts snatching things off of the desk he had in his room. he slams textbooks and notebooks together in a little pile before grabbing up his school uniform from where it was draped over his chair. the teen isn't too sure what the outcome of his little idea will be but he hopes that it will ease his conscience. he is completely uncaring about anyone else as he stomps out onto his balcony with his things and a box of matches in hand.
he slings down the books and uniform, unbothered by how one of the paperbacks rip and how his uniform wrinkles. striking a match with practiced ease, byounggon grabs one of the books and sets it alight. whenever it falls atop of everything, it all starts to catch fire pretty quickly. the teen watches as it all smokes and smolders. the flames wash over everything much like how his guilt and regret washes over him.
turning his gaze up to the night sky byounggon can't help but stare and let his mind wander once again. he wonders that if even after everything if yonghee would forgive him. he knows he wouldn't forgive himself if he was yonghee but...yonghee wasn't him. yonghee was, and still is, someone soft and gentle. someone who couldn't be mad at others even if they took their problems out on him. a fragile teen who just wanted to make everyone proud.
even though he wishes for yonghee's forgiveness, byounggon knows he doesn't deserve it.