Archive of Our Own

“Remember to make yourself lunch, sweetie,” his mother called out from where she was slumped over on the couch, still writing her novel. She sounded so tired. So burnt out. Jisung smiled bitterly.

“Sure.” He walked over to the fridge, opening it like he’d been expecting something other than the empty shelves and the one rotting tomato in the corner to greet him. It had been days since she had restocked the fridge. Ever since his dad had left them for good last Friday, she was barely remembering to sleep and drink water and bathe. Grocery shopping was the last thing on her mind. Jisung had started to bring home takeaway from the Chinese restaurant down the road and she’d eat that as her only meal before retiring to her room for the night where she thinks Jisung can’t hear her cry. He hears her. And he cries with her from behind the wall. 

He hated the world. He hated that his dad made his mom hate the world. He hated how they’d spent years building a life and a home together, stealing kisses and holding hands and exchanging ‘I love you’s at the altar only for it to end like this. What had been the point of it all? Did they ever even mean it? Jisung decides then that if this is what love looked like, he wanted no part in it.

- 

“Mic check 1,2,1,2. Can you hear me?” 

Jisung winced as feedback echoed from the speakers and bounced off the cream coloured walls of their school corridor. The chatter in the corridor quietened down as the students paused, clearly as confused as he was by the sudden voice blaring through the speakers.

“What’s up fellow students? The sun is shining, it’s a beautiful day-“

Jisung looked through the nearest window to where it was pouring rain against the tarmac outside.

“So the reason why I’ve turned on this mic today is to talk about the coolest club on our campus. DNYL – Don’t Need Your Love.”

He rolled his eyes, ready to stop listening. He’d admittedly been intrigued by the strange voice at first but obviously, this was just some propaganda for another lame school club whose emails he’d definitely send to the trash without even reading.

“Now for those that have been dumped, had a breakup, or dealing with a broken heart – this is the perfect club for you. Have you been cheated on? Do you feel down from all this unrequited love? Are you tired of waiting for that call from your ex? I am.”

Some people in the corridor were murmuring in agreement and nodding quietly. Jisung doesn’t get it. He’s seventeen and he’s well aware that most people his age have dated and kissed and maybe even done a bit more than that - but to him, the whole concept has just always been foreign. Unfamiliar. Unknown things are scary and it’s only really worth trying to map new seas if you think it’s worth it. Most people in his year who had dated just ended up crying about it weeks later when they inevitably broke up. He’d always thought that high school love doesn’t last but after seeing his parents… he thinks maybe that’s just love in general. Not high school love. All love just one day comes to an end.

“Well, there’s no more of that. You don’t need any more worries. Let’s just have a great time. DNYL, come join our club. Let’s have some fun!”

He considered it briefly. In all his years of high school, he’d successfully evaded joining any club but at that moment, he thought back to how the doctor had prescribed his mom anti-depressants, and he considered it.

“Also there’s free food.” The speakers sputtered feedback again before they turned off.

He really, really considered it.

Would it hurt? To try something new? There was free food.

-

The turnout was smaller than he’d expected it to be. He’s sure most people in school had been through some sort of breakup but only around fifteen people turned up the mentioned room and time. He liked it. Smaller was more comfortable.

“Okay! So we should do introductions or something, right?” A tan boy with floppy caramel hair walked to the front and Jisung recognized his voice to be the same as the one that had come through their speakers that morning. “Okay! So I’m Donghyuck, hi.”

A few people waved back. Most just stared blankly.

“Okay! Great!” Donghyuck clasped his hands together. “So not to make this too therapy-like or anything but since this is the first time we’re meeting each other maybe we should go around and give names and say why we hate Love?” 

A boy sitting in the front row spoke up and Donghyuck sighed in relief. “Sure, I’ll go first. I’m Jaemin and… my ex cheated on me.” 

“Well fuck them,” Donghyuck replied without missing a beat.

“Yeah. Fuck him.” Jaemin agreed.

“Hi, my name is Renjun. The girl I used to date would sometimes hit me.” The small boy who had spoken up looked ready to cry. Jisung wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Love hurt in many different forms apparently.

“I’m Mark and… I’m trying to learn to love myself first.” 

“I’m Jeno and I honestly just came here for the food.”

“Oh… well thank you for your honesty, Jeno,” Donghyuck replied, sounding slightly confused. He held out a bag of Doritos to the boy who immediately perked up and took a handful.

“Hi, I’m Chenle.” A blonde boy waved. Jisung hadn’t noticed him before, the chair he was sitting in tucked away in a corner. “And I know how much it hurts to look at someone who’d never look at me the same way. Unrequited love sucks.”

Eyes naturally turned to Jisung after a while. He was one of the few that were yet to speak up and he knew he’d have to eventually. He wasn’t sure what to say. He couldn’t bring himself to talk about his parents getting a divorce - that wound was too fresh and too deep. Renjun might have shared about his abusive past relationship and Mark might have been honest about his self-hatred but he wasn’t quite as brave as them just yet. 

“I just… don’t believe in love,” he settled on saying. Apparently, he’d hit on something there as he got a series of nods for that.

“Amen,” Donghyuck replied and a few people laughed.

And somehow it was comfortable. They were a group of random people, sitting and laughing over the only thing they had in common – the agreement that love was a bitch. That hurt and that pain let an easy sort of unspoken bond form. Jisung liked it. 

 -

Jisung sat, mindlessly staring out of the window, waiting for everyone to pour into the classroom so the lesson could start. He heard a thud from the space next to him on the desk and snapped his eyes away from the clouds to check who had broken his daydream.

A familiar boy with pale blonde hair and a lilac jumper smiled down at him. “Hey! Is this seat taken?” 

Jisung stared back. He was used to sitting alone near the back. He preferred it that way.

“Wait do I know you from somewhere-?” The boy peered down at him, leaning in to squint from closer. Jisung leaned away, frowning.

“Yeah uh,” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “I think you went to that club thing.”

“Oh, right!” The boy beamed in recognition. “You’re the boy who said you don’t believe in love! Jisung, right?”

Jisung was surprised he remembered his name. He hadn't been aware anyone was actually paying attention to him.

“I’m Chenle,” the boy continued and Jisung was glad he was so talkative because Jisung hadn’t remembered his name and it would have been awkward to ask. The blonde boy flopped down into the chair next to him and Jisung just sighed, accepting that he would have to now adjust to having a seatmate in class. 

“Anyway you’re going to love this,” Chenle grinned with mischief, purposely dragging out that word. “Guess what our set text this term is?”

“What?” 

Chenle leaned closer and pointed towards the front of the classroom where a pile of books was precariously placed upon their teacher’s table. Jisung squinted to make out the title.

“Is that Shakespeare?” he asked uncertainly.

“Yup,” Chenle replied with a popping sound. “Now guess which Shakespeare.”

Jisung wasn’t used to talking this much with people he’d just met. It somehow felt like they’d just skipped all the small talk and gone straight to acting like they’d been friends for years. Chenle was resting his face into his palm, his smile relaxed, and Jisung figured this was just how he was with everyone.

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, that’s no fun. Guess.”

“Macbeth?”

“What! I said you were going to love this and no one loves Macbeth.” 

Jisung opened his mouth to protest because excuse him, but he loved Macbeth.

Chenle cut in, grinning. “It’s Romeo and Juliet, Mr I Don’t Believe In Love.” 

“You were at the club too. Don’t you also not believe in love?”

Chenle hummed. “No, I definitely do. I’ve felt it too deeply so I know it’s real. I just also think it’s a bitch,” he grinned. His eyes looked so sad but he spoke his heart so easily and laughed at his own tragedies. Jisung hadn’t missed the way he stared longingly at a girl near the front of their class as he spoke. “Now, don’t look at me like that Jisung,” Chenle whined.

“I’m not looking at you like anything.”

“Yes, you are. You look like you pity me. Don’t. I’m heartbroken but I’m okay with that.”

Jisung didn’t understand but it gave him hope. It gave him hope that maybe his mother would be okay with that too one day. Jisung didn’t know how to comfort or if that was even the right thing to try to do so instead he distracted. He turned his eyes back to the copies of the play at the front of the classroom.

“Macbeth is better.”

Chenle laughed. “Romeo and Juliet is my favourite Shakespeare play.”

Jisung threw a judgmental glare to the boy next to him. “They die within four days of meeting each other.”

“Exactly! It’s relatable!” 

The teacher walked in before Jisung could argue further because just how was that relatable?

Chenle’s smile never faded and as the teacher walked around to hand each of them their plays, he leaned over to draw little pencil hearts around the title on Jisung’s copy.

Jisung pretended to throw up at that and Chenle laughed a little too loudly, making the teacher throw a stern glare in their direction.

-

“So are you coming to the club meeting today?” Jisung asked as they packed up their belongings. Jisung wasn’t sure if he should go but he’d decided on a whim that day that he would.

“DNYL?” Chenle asked, sliding his pens into his pencil case. “Sure!”

Chenle was the kind of person to reply to every club email he got and try to attend them all so Jisung wasn’t too surprised by his answer.

“So what food did you bring?”

“Food?” Chenle asked, fingers hovering over his rubber as he turned to look at Jisung with one eyebrow raised in question.

“Donghyuck asked us to bring food for a movie…”

“Oh, that food!” Chenle shrieked. “Oh my god, I completely forgot, I can’t believe I did that.”

“It’s okay,” Jisung spoke quickly, trying to calm him down. “We can just go get something now.”

“We?”

Jisung shrugged. “Well yeah, I wouldn’t let you go alone.”

Chenle’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second but as soon as the surprise had come it was gone again, a teasing smile on his face instead. “I see someone’s been taking lessons from Romeo-” Chenle sing-songed. He brought up the damn play at every opportunity because he enjoyed the massive reaction it got from Jisung.

Jisung scrunched up his face in disgust. “Romeo has never gone grocery shopping because his seatmate has the memory of a goldfish so quite frankly and as usual - I don’t know what you’re on about.”

Chenle ignored him in favour of running out of the classroom and yelling, “I’ll race you! Loser pays for the food!”

Jisung’s not sure how he ended up paying for the food that Chenle had forgotten to buy. They strolled through the tiny aisles of the express supermarket at the end of the road near their school. Chenle had changed his mind at least ten times on what he wanted to get and in the end, he settled on the most impractical choice – ice cream. After he’d made up his mind (“I’m sure this time, Jisung”), Jisung walked around to pick up some groceries for home.

Chenle eyed the peppers and yoghurt in their shopping basket with an inquisitive gaze. Jisung could tell it was taking everything in him to not ask anything so he just sighed and answered the unspoken question before the boy next to him burst from curiosity.

“My mom’s not in the greatest state right now and my dad… he’s not around. Someone’s got to get the food.”

Chenle nodded in understanding. Jisung thinks he understands why the blonde boy didn’t want pity earlier. This was just the way things were. Pity wouldn’t change that.

“Is that why?” Chenle asked quietly.

“Why what?”

“You don’t believe in love?”

Jisung sighed. Usually, if someone asked that, he'd have felt like they were prying and he'd have closed up. But Chenle just sounded so genuinely sincere and curious. He asked with no judgment or assumptions. Jisung trusted him.

A silence stretched out and Jisung watched the linked hands of a couple that passed by them. They looked so much like his parents had before everything had gone to shit.

“I just don’t get it.”

“Love?”

“Yeah. I don’t get why anyone would choose that.”

“No one ever chooses to love, Jisung. One day your life is yours and then suddenly you’re falling and tripping over your feet to make someone else your whole world.”

“I saw my mum do everything for my dad. She always cooked what he wanted to eat, went wherever he wanted to go, said whatever he wanted to hear. She did everything right and he left her anyway. She never lived her life for herself. It made her weak.”

Chenle hummed, considering his words for a long moment. “I think you’re wrong. It’s because she loved him that she was able to do everything without complaint or tiredness. That made her strong. Love is okay when it's mutual. But when you give your heart and they don’t give theirs back… that hurts like a bitch.”

Jisung watched the boy before him speak with so much emotion he had yet to experience for himself. “Well, love is stupid then.”

“Yeah. It is.”

By the time they made it back to school, the club members were half an hour into the movie. Donghyuck had suggested on the group chat he’d made for DNYL that they should watch an awful chick flick to boo the bad romance plots but Chenle had insisted that he would cry and so they’d gone for Iron man as a non-romantic choice.

Chenle handed out the half-melted ice cream and Jisung swears he had never seen Jeno look happier. Jisung took out the bag of Haribos he’d brought to share, passing it to Chenle who had insisted on getting the first pick. Jisung watched him pick out the heart ones before aggressively ripping them in half between his teeth. Chenle spat out the half hearts into his palms.

“Okay, that is gross.” Jisung scrunched up his nose.

Chenle ignored him. “Look, this is your mom,” he gestured to two halves of gummy hearts on his palm. “She had her heart broken and I’m truly sorry she did. But this can happen-“ he joined the two halves together again. “Or this-“ he brought another two halves of a different broken heart and moved them so each of their halves completed each half of his ‘mom’s heart.’ “She’ll be okay, Jisung-ah.”

Love was difficult. He knew that. Chenle knew that. For God's sake, everyone sitting in the room right then as they watched Tony Stark struggle his way out of a cave knew that. But in the small palm of Chenle’s hand, between broken Haribo hearts, Jisung found a little understanding.

-

Jisung walked through the library, tiptoeing past crowds of students glaring at books with their earphones plugged in as if they harder they stared, the more information would magically go into their brain.

Term tests were coming up soon and Jisung, like the rest of the student body, found refuge in the library. Another DNYL club member he’d grown close to, Jaemin, was supposedly some sort of Biology prodigy and he’d recommended a particular textbook. Desperate to save his falling biology grades, Jisung was now walking through the seemingly endless aisles of shelves hunting for that one title. After about fifteen minutes of futile search, he finally stumbled across the textbook. Relieved, he reached to pluck it out of the shelf. As the book slid out, a gap in the bookshelf opened up through which you could see the view on the other side of yet another study table.

Jisung watched in surprise at the scene of the densely packed table with a familiar blonde-haired boy in the corner who lay sprawled asleep across his textbook. Despite himself, Jisung found himself chuckling.

He walked over to the corner Chenle lay asleep in, making sure not to disturb other students. He had intended to wake him up but Chenle looked far too peaceful to rouse. Jisung looked down to what he’d been studying, being taken in surprise for the second time then as he watched the scene of Chenle drooling across a library borrowed copy of 'Macbeth'. From how Chenle lay passed out on top of it on just page 7, he really hadn’t been exaggerating when he said he found the play boring. Jisung bit back a smile.

Underneath the play, lay an open book. A quick glance told Jisung that it was the maths homework they had due soon. With the way Chenle was snoring quietly, he wouldn’t finish it before the lesson and Jisung found himself in an internal battle.

Before he could second-guess himself, he gently slid the book out from under Chenle and filled in the answers that were missing. It barely took him ten minutes. He’d done his homework recently and the answers were still fresh in his mind. He looked up to check the clock, noticing that there were only a few minutes of lunch-break left. Most students were leaving the library and he really should have woken Chenle but he’d feel too guilty about waking up someone who slept like they hadn’t slept for years. He gingerly placed the maths book next to his sleeping head, before walking to his next lesson.

-

Jisung paused mid-brushing his teeth to look at his phone with curiosity as it buzzed with a text notification.

Chenle:

thanks

He’d already added Chenle as a contact from the DNYL group chat, and although the blonde-haired boy was very active on there, this was the first time he was messaging him privately.

Jisung:

?

Chenle:

dont play dumb

Jisung: 

idk what ur on about

Chenle:

maths hwk???

Jisung:

we had hwk???

Chenle:

cmon jisung i sit next to u in class i know what ur chicken scratch handwriting looks like

Jisung spat out the foam in his mouth, rinsing with water to stop smiling.

Jisung: 

so ungrateful

Chenle:

i literally started with thanks!!!

but also

fuck u

why didn’t u wake me up

i was 20mins late to class and i had to lie that my grandma lost her cat and i was phoning her for emotional support

Jisung:

im sure kim believed that. 11/10 excuse. nice one

Chenle: 

i got detention TT

Jisung moved from the bathroom to his bed, replying to Chenle before switching off the lights and snuggling under his covers. Minutes turned into hours and before either of them knew it, Jisung’s bedside clock glared the numbers 03:00 at him in neon blue light. He had no idea what they’d been talking about for the past five hours. All he knew was that for once he’d been able to spend his night focusing on something other than the way his parents shouted at each other downstairs after his dad visited to ask his mom to sign the divorce papers. 

They’d talked about everything and nothing. He learned that Chenle would lay down his life for ramen and Stephen Curry, and that once when he was a kid he kept pointing to an empty corner and saying “who’s she?” and it made his brother cry, and that he really wanted to impulse dye his hair green.

They’d also talked about heavier things. Chenle told him about the ins and outs of how he fell in love with a girl, Alice, from school and how they’d grown super close and how he watched her slowly fall in love with someone else before one day she’d just cut him off and stopped talking to him with no explanation. He talked about his feelings in a tragic sort of poetic way that made you feel like you were reading his diary. He wore his vulnerability and his tragedy like a badge of honour and Jisung admired how he’d grown strong enough to be able to do that.

In return, Jisung told him about how he’d actually really been into writing poetry when he was younger but so much of poetry generally revolved around love and he’d never really understood the emotion to be able to make it ring through his words. So instead he wrote about the way autumn leaves crunched under his feet, and about the burn of thawing hands that both hurts and feels like relief, and about the way the birds chirped outside his window without fail at four every morning. Chenle begged him to send him some of his poems and Jisung had agreed to do it if Chenle dyed his hair green.

Jisung:

we should really sleep TT

Chenle:

im no weak bitch i dont need sleep

Jisung: 

yh i noticed that when i saw u passed out like a log in the library 

Chenle:

shut up or fear for ur life

-

“100?!” Jisung hissed out in a loud whisper as he peered over Chenle’s grade for their latest assignment.

Chenle shrugged casually like he did this every day but the smug grin on his face was telling of how proud he was.

Jisung looked down to his 65 scrawled in angry red ink. “What did you even write about?”

Chenle pushed the essay in his direction and Jisung read the title. 

'An analysis into Romeo’s unrequited love for Rosaline and the impact it had on his behaviour towards Juliet'

Chenle laughed as he caught Jisung rolling his eyes.

The blonde boy scribbled on a small scrap of paper before pushing it towards Jisung. 

bitches catch feelings and then b sprouting damn soliloquies about how it hurts

and in smudged ink under:

(its romeo. romeo is bitches. also me. im also bitches)

Jisung bit the inside of his cheek to stop from smiling stupidly in the middle of class. He pulled the paper slowly towards himself, making sure his gaze never strayed from the board before subtly scribbling back a reply.

you > romeo

He slid it back to Chenle and watched with curiosity as Chenle sat staring at it for a long time, his cheeks turning light pink. His hand hovered, writing and erasing replies and Jisung didn't understand why it was taking him so long. Eventually, he answered and moved his arm so Jisung could read what he’d written.

well duh that bitch died in 4 days

This time, Jisung didn’t even bother holding back his smile and Chenle looked at him with an equally giddy expression.

The teacher looked around. “Would anyone like to read out their essay?” His eyes very pointedly rested on Chenle but Jisung knew he wasn’t the type of person who’d want to bear his heart to the whole class so it was no surprise to him that Chenle just sat there silently.

A girl from the front row spoke up instead. “I’ll do it!” 

Anger rose in him as Jisung noticed who it was. He watched Alice spring up to the front of the class. How dare she be so happy when someone else suffered so much because of her? Jisung turned to check if Chenle was okay and watched with worry as he saw the boy stare down at his book with a blank expression, his knuckles turning white as he gripped tightly onto his pencil.

“I was actually talking to my boyfriend and he really helped me with this essay and like helped me like understand the theme of love-“

Jisung startled as the pencil snapped in half and lay splintered in Chenle’s palm. The blonde-haired boy’s expression was still carefully neutral as he stared holes into the blank pages of his book.

Jisung reached out to gently brush the broken pencil from Chenle’s skin before he hurt himself. What he didn’t expect was for to Chenle to grab onto to his hand to keep it there. Under any other circumstance, Jisung would have flinched and pulled away if someone had initiated contact he hadn’t anticipated, but right now Chenle looked shaken and broken and Jisung didn’t want to push him over the edge.

Instead, he threaded his fingers through Chenle’s and spoke in a soft voice, “Do you wanna skip the next class?”

A silence stretched out for so long that Jisung became convinced that Chenle didn’t hear him. However, after what felt like forever, the boy looked up, an obviously fake smile plastered across his face and his eyes glistening with a sheen of unspilled tears. “Sure.”

Jisung wasn't the one with a broken pencil and a broken heart but it hurt just as bad to watch the small blonde boy look like this.

As soon as they’d left the classroom and gotten some distance from Alice, Chenle’s mood had picked up again. At first, he managed soft smiles, but with time he was back to shrieking in his normal manner.

And that’s how they found themselves half an hour later, giggling as they hid in a store cupboard, waiting for the teacher in the corridor outside to pass by.

“When you said we should skip class, Jisung – I thought you had a plan!” Chenle whisper shouted.

“I did!”

“Roaming the school corridors and hiding from teachers every five minutes is not a plan!”

“Yes, it is!” Jisung threw his arms out to emphasise his point and watched with horror as his hand went flying smack into a mop next to them with fell to the ground with a loud clatter.

The footsteps in the corridor paused before growing louder as the teacher walked in the direction of their store cupboard. 

Chenle shot Jisung an exasperated look. “Poop hands, Jisung! Literal poop hands!”

Before Jisung could breathe, Chenle pulled him to a corner of the cupboard, pushing down on his shoulders to indicate for them to squat behind an impossibly tiny chest of drawers. It was a space not designed for one person let alone two people but Chenle somehow made it work, hiding them out of sight just as the door opened.

Light poured in and Jisung panicked partly because they could be found out at any moment and partly because he hadn’t noticed in the dark just how close Chenle’s face was to his own. He stared into the boy’s eyes, holding his breath as to make no sound and Chenle stared back with his pupils blown just as wide. From this distance he could feel the warmth that radiated from Chenle's skin and feel his shallow breath ghost over his lips. They sat like that for seconds, which felt like hours before the door swung shut again and the room was plunged into darkness. Jisung gasped for air. Chenle immediately leapt back, hitting Jisung’s shoulder in the process.

“Ow!”

“That’s for almost getting us caught!”

“But we didn’t get caught-“

Chenle hit him again.

“Ow.”

-

Ever since that night Chenle had first texted him, they’d fallen into a habit. The same way the birds in the trees outside Jisung’s house would without fail chirp at four every morning, Chenle would message him around ten every night with an excuse to start a conversation. Today, it was that his grandma’s cat had actually gone missing and he was insisting he must be clairvoyant.

Jisung:

ur not a fortune teller chenle

Chenle:

u dont know that

Jisung: 

i-

okay fine

predict my future then

Chenle:

im gonna call u and ur gonna pick up

Jisung:

what?

Chenle:

[Call Incoming]

Jisung stared down at the vibrating phone in his hands. He’d just about gotten used to texts. Calling was foreign territory. He picked up anyway.

“Hello?”

“See I can predict the future.”

Jisung rolled his eyes. He should have ignored his call just to spite him.

“Sure.”

“I was watching a video today.”

Jisung hummed, indicating for him to go on.

“So there were these two strangers and they had to ask each other 36 questions and apparently it’s scientifically proven they’d fall in love at the end.”

Jisung scoffed immediately. “That’s bullshit.”

“I know right! That’s what I thought.”

“It makes no sense.”

“Yeah… so do you wanna prove it wrong with me?”

“…what?”

“Do you want to ask each other the questions? And then we’ll have the satisfaction of knowing it’s a lie, right?”

“I guess…” Jisung tapered off quietly, not quite sure why he was agreeing. He let the confidence in Chenle's tone assure him that this was a good idea. 

“Okay so question one – if you could invite anyone in the world to dinner who would it be?“

“Pfft. Easy. Taemin.”

Chenle gasped from the other end of the phone line. “Imagine eating a meal with The Lee Taemin.”

“He is the meal.”

Chenle shrieked out laughter at that before saying his answer would be Stephen Curry. Predictable.

“Seven. Do you have a weird hunch about how you’ll die?”

“I once had a dream that this rabbit was barking at me in a park and I followed it through this hole to this alternate reality and met all these weird people and then I slipped on a tree branch and died.”

“… Isn’t that the plot of Alice in Wonderland?”

“No, it’s not.”

“It literally is – minus the death part.”

“Nah, you’re wrong. But what about you?"

"...I actually can't imagine myself dying."

"So you're saying you're immortal."

"I'm saying I'm a bad bitch you can't kill me."

"Wow."

“Twelve. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?”

“Flying probably.”

“Hmm… I’d say the power to make anyone love me.”

A silence followed that answer. “Chenle…” Jisung spoke softly, unsure of what to say.

“No, hear me out – imagine how powerful you would be if you could make people love you. They’d do anything for you. Imagine having that sort of influence.”

“You’re starting to sound a little bit mad but keep going.”

Chenle laughed, a sad hollow laugh. “And maybe. Maybe just once. I want to know what it feels like to be loved.” His voice dropped to barely above a whisper. “Is that so wrong?”

Jisung stared up at the glow in the dark star stickers he’d stuck onto his ceiling when he was seven. He’d never taken them down because they reminded him of a time when everything had been so much easier. “No. It isn’t.”

“Twenty-two. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.“

Jisung scrunched up his nose at that. “What kind of cheesy question-“

“Spit it out Jisungie. I know it’s hard to filter all the amazing things about me down to just five but I want you to try your best.”

Jisung laughed. “You’re funny. That’s one by the way.”

“That was such a minimal effort answer, wow. Okay, you’re nice I guess.” Chenle replied, mocking Jisung’s casual tone as he gave just as bland an answer.

Jisung rolled his eyes. “Fine. Uhhhhhh- you have nice hair.”

“I do have nice hair.” Chenle agreed. “Your sense of fashion isn’t too bad.”

Jisung blinked. He never thought anyone paid any attention to what he wore. “You have good handwriting.”

“And you have awful handwriting. But I like the notes you sometimes pass me in class.”

Jisung held his breath, unsure of how to reply to that.

“That was three by the way. Two more.” Chenle spoke quietly to break the silence.

Jisung thought back to the last time they’d passed notes in class and how Chenle had snapped his pencil in his palm afterwards. “You have pretty hands.”

“Uh- thanks. I…" Chenle cleared his throat awkwardly. “ I like that you’re tall.”

“Even when I tease you for being shorter?” Jisung laughed softly, trying to crack a joke to clear the sudden tension.

“No, uh,” Chenle spoke, the same sincerity thick in his voice. “I meant more just when you like… stand next to me.”

It felt like Jisung’s heart was beating through his ears. What did that even mean?

“I like how you can so easily speak how you feel.” Jisung finished.

“I like how flustered you get when you can’t.”

Jisung willed his heart to slow down. “Are you making fun of me, Zhong Chenle?”

Chenle laughed lightly. “No, I uh. I genuinely think it’s... I don’t know. Cute.”

Jisung’s stomach felt like it was a washing machine, spinning round and round and round. His heart drummed like it was going to leap out his chest and his cheeks tingled as blood rushed to warm his face. He didn’t understand any of it. He didn’t understand it at all. 

Chenle quickly moved on to the next question.

“Okay so I think that’s the end of the questions but there’s a final step.”

Jisung stifled a yawn as he flipped over his pillow so the cooler side would once again be on the top. Thirty-six questions were meant to take an hour but it had somehow taken them four hours after they became ridiculously sidetracked with every answer. “And what’s that?”

“Okay, so it’s kind of weird? You’re supposed to stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes.”

Jisung couldn’t help but laugh. “What?”

“I know. And we’re literally on a phone call so I don’t know how this is going to work-“

“Photos,” Jisung spoke, fighting his sleep. His brain-mouth filter had long been turned off as he succumbed to tiredness.

“…photos?”

“Yeah, like. Send each other a selfie. And then just time looking at it for four minutes.”

“That’s… not a bad idea, Jisung. I can’t believe you suggested something vaguely decent.”

Jisung ignored him, choosing instead to pull the phone away from his ear to open the camera app. He looked awful with his bed hair and sleepy eyes and his only saving grace was the poor lighting that made his skin look flawless. 

He quickly snapped a photo (well actually, he snapped about thirty and then chose the one that least made him want to set himself on fire) and sent it to Chenle. Chenle also sent him one with the boy resting his head on top of a teddy bear as he pouted.

Jisung felt his heart flutter a little.

“I’m starting the timer, okay?”

He hummed in approval.

It was weird and sort of awkward. Sitting in silence staring at the same photo for four minutes was strange enough but it was even more uncomfortable to know someone else was doing that to a photo of him. Jisung squirmed, thinking of all the flaws that Chenle would probably be able to pick out in that time. The face of pouting Chenle next to his teddy bear, on the other hand, stared at Jisung like he had nothing to worry about. Like Chenle wasn’t going to judge him and decide he was the ugliest person he had ever seen. Like Chenle would maybe even think he was vaguely okay-looking.

Jisung forced his anxieties away, focusing instead on noticing how in the photo Chenle was wearing lavender pyjamas and how his teddy bear had the name 'Chu' embroidered on its chest. Photo Chenle stared up at him with wide eyes, porcelain skin, and cherry red lips. Jisung gulped not quite sure of what to do with any of that information. He just kept staring, eyes tracing over the way his cheeks were dusted in the faintest shade of pink and how his lips had been bitten into just a little in the middle, and how stray strands of damaged hair were flying in random directions. He noticed too much and yet at the same time it felt like Jisung had just started to notice anything at all. He looked up to check the clock. It had been five minutes.

“Chenle…?” he spoke into the silence.

“Yeah?” the boy’s voice came back, just as softly, through his phone’s speakers. 

“Just checking you’re still there.”

A long silence stretched out again and Jisung almost fell asleep. Almost.

“So?” Chenle’s voice spoke so quietly he would have missed it if it hadn’t been in the dead-silence of the night. “Did you fall in love with me?”

Jisung stared down at the photo of pouting Chenle and his heart raced. “Don’t be stupid.”

Chenle chuckled quietly. “I’m really tired so I’m gonna sleep. Goodnight, Sungie.”

Jisung wished him goodnight and let the phone call end. His phone showed him that it had lasted for 04:33:58. As his eyes fluttered shut and his mind finally gave in to exhaustion, he remembers vaguely thinking that Chenle had never answered that last question he’d asked Jisung. 

-

“Any updates on your love lives?” Donghyuck asked from where he was perched on the seat at the front of the clubroom. “Oh wait – there won’t be any.” He proceeded to laugh at his own joke before clearing his throat when he realised no one was laughing with him. He’d made a habit of asking that same question and replying to himself in the same way at the start of every club meeting. At first, it had made Jisung laugh but now he wasn’t sure how much of his heart believed in that anymore.

“Anyway. Valentine's day is coming up. You know what that means-“

Jisung could think of at least ten things that meant. It meant feeling extra single as you walked down the road and saw everyone’s linked hands, and being angry when all the seats in restaurants were already taken, and for most people in the club it meant seeing their exes parade around with someone else.

“It means discount chocolate!”

Well, he hadn’t seen that one coming.

They spent the rest of the club meeting watching vine compilations on the projector screen at the front to which Jaemin would pipe up and recite nearly every other one. Renjun drew as they watched and Chenle spent the entire time napping. 

That’s what DNYL was. A safe-space. They never really did anything in particular except hang out and sometimes shout anti-love propaganda. It just gave a room for people who’d been hurt too many times by a stupid four-letter word to be able to breathe peacefully knowing other people felt just like them. And together they were going to be okay.

-

Chenle pulled him by his wrist to a secluded spot on the grass in front of the school, covered behind trees so it wouldn’t be visible from the windows inside the building. They’d decided to skip class again and this time Chenle had point-blank refused to roam the corridors again with their nerves ablaze with anxiety as they ran from teachers.

“Pretty neat, right?” the blonde boy asked grinning as he flopped down onto the grass and promptly lay against it, splaying his arms out.

“I had no idea this place existed,” Jisung replied, following the other boy and also lying down next to him. 

“I am a man of many talents.”

“And finding secret places is a talent?”

“It’s more talented than hiding from a teacher in a broom cupboard,” Chenle replied with no real bite.

Jisung laughed. “Touché.”

The weather was warm that day. The kind of warm that meant you could wear short-sleeved tops and not feel too cold or too hot. The way the breeze danced around his skin and the grass tickled against his neck - it felt pleasant. It felt calming.

“Before I forget-“ Chenle reached out his arm to pull his bag near his body. He sat himself up and briefly rummaged about before pulling out a small box, which he held out towards Jisung.

Jisung looked up at the figure of the boy whose blonde hair flopped away from his forehead as he looked down at Jisung, and the way a halo of light seemed to be cast around him as his head blocked out the sun. His eyes dropped down to his pale fingers which were gripping on to a box wrapped in red ribbon.

Jisung’s heart felt like it was going to leap out from his throat. “Is that valentines day chocolate…?” 

Chenle rolled his eyes. “No, it’s discount chocolate.” He fumbled to open the box and threw a heart-shaped one into his mouth where he bit it to tiny little pieces with his teeth.

Jisung watched him, his breath caught in his throat.

“So are you going to eat any or should I just save it for the club?”

He immediately scrambled to take a piece from the tray. “No I- I want it. Thanks.”

Chenle smiled at him before flopping back down on the grass.

They lay in comfortable silence like that for a while, eating teddy-bear shaped chocolate and letting the sun kiss their skin as they watched the clouds pass by above.

“That’s a wizard.” 

At first, Jisung had been confused as to what Chenle was saying but he quickly realised the boy was referring to a wispy white cloud lying bright against the cobalt sky.

“What? No, that’s a shark.”

“That’s clearly his hat, look.” Chenle pointed up into the sky.

Jisung titled his head as he squinted up. “I saw that as the shark’s nose…”

The cloud disintegrated as it passed by.

They kept like that. Arguing over cloud shapes and chewing down on chocolate until Jisung had no idea of just how much time had even passed. 

“Bunny,” Chenle said with finality.

“Oh yeah, I kind of see that actually-“

“Finally.”

“-and it kind of looks like the bunny is being chased by a bee so it’s got a sword in its right hand.”

“Okay, what?” Chenle asked as he burst out into laughter. He tore his gaze away from the sky so he could look at Jisung with creased eyes and laughter spilling from his lips. “You’re absolutely mad.”

“No, trust me. I used to ace art class. I saw what I saw.”

“Don’t try to lie to me, I know you too well for it to work,” Chenle said, still smiling. “I’ve seen your doodles in the margins of your book in class. Remember that potato you tried to tell me was a lion?”

Jisung joined Chenle in laughing as that memory came back to him. In his defence, he’d thought it had been a pretty good drawing until Chenle had looked at him and asked which vegetable he was trying to draw.

“There’s no way you aced art class.”

“Okay, maybe I didn’t. But I definitely saw the sword!”

Chenle smiled fondly before looking back at the sky. “Uh-huh, sure”

“That’s a heart come on, Jisung, there’s no way you could see anything other than a heart.”

Jisung looked up to the white heart in the sky. His eyes stung from staring into the sun for too long.

“Yeah, that’s a heart.”

They both reached to the tray of chocolates placed on the grass between them, jolting as they found each other’s fingers instead. Jisung immediately pulled away, trying to think about anything other than how cold Chenle’s fingers had been and how he wanted to warm them up in his hands.

“Chenle… how do you know if you like someone?” Jisung kept his eyes trained firmly on the clouds above. He watched the white heart float away cloud by cloud until, in the place of something that had once been so clear, all that was left was a jumbled mess.

 The blonde boy looked at him with curiosity. “Why? Do you like someone?”

“Just curious.”

Chenle hummed, genuinely considering his question. That was one of the things Jisung appreciated about the boy - for all his teasing remarks, he understood when to take Jisung seriously. 

“Well, it’s a bit like wanting to be their friend but a little more.”

Jisung hummed, signalling for him to continue.

“They’re the person who can make you the happiest but also hurt you the most. You look for them first in a crowd. And you want them to be the first person you tell good news to. When you tell a joke you look at them first to see if they laughed…” Chenle paused to take a shaky breath. “Sometimes you’re just walking through the street and suddenly everything reminds you of them. You remember that shirt is their favourite shade of orange, and that they once sent you a picture of those kinds of flowers, and that they used to have a toy just like that.”

Jisung let Chenle’s words wash over him. Love. It should be scary. It was scary. It was messy and complicated and painful, but in the little moments that Chenle spoke about it… it made sense. He’d had his heart crushed to pieces before and he still talked like it was the greatest honour to have even been able to love.

“And suddenly, every love song just makes sense,” Chenle continued. “When you like someone, you look at the world and you see so much more. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Huh.

For all that Chenle was saying about not knowing how to describe it, Jisung thought he was doing a pretty good job. Most people had just told him it was a feeling and you’d just know when you know. Chenle was the first to actually try to answer the question.

“And you want to touch them. Not always, but usually. You just want to hold their hand and squeeze their cheeks and kiss them until neither of you can breathe anymore.”

The grass tickled his cheek as Jisung turned to face Chenle. “That’s really what it feels like to like someone?”

“I think so, yeah. At least that’s what it feels like to me.”

Jisung watched Chenle bite down on his pink lips and briefly wondered what it would feel like to trace his fingers over them. He wondered why his first thought when he’d eaten that teddy-bear shaped chocolate was that it reminded him of Chenle’s toy 'Chu', and why when Chenle had led them to this secluded area he hadn’t just seen grass and trees but instead he saw a place he could spend time with Chenle without being worried about getting caught. He wondered why he’d spent time coming up with increasingly ridiculous interpretations for clouds and then glancing over to see if it made Chenle smile brightly and roll his eyes like he always did. 

Jisung thought then that maybe he was a little bit fucked.

-

“Any updates on love lives? Wait – there are none!” Donghyuck recited as per usual.

Jisung squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.

They spent the hour discussing the worst celebrity couples as they passed around discount chocolate.

“They clearly didn’t even like each other. What was the point of dating if they were just going to break up?”

“No I think she liked him, he just didn’t like her back.”

“Actually I think she was pretending to like him to make her ex jealous.”

“Well regardless, fuck them and fuck love.”

Jisung felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“What do you think Jisung? You don’t believe in love right?” Donghyuck asked.

Jisung’s not sure. Jisung’s not sure at all. He’s not sure about this celebrity couple or about any couple or about his parents or about love. He’d spent so long being so angry at the idea of love after seeing how much it hurt those around him but now… when the butterflies flapped around his own stomach and his cheeks hurt from smiling at 3AM texts… he’s not sure anymore. He doesn’t know how to be angry at something that feels so gentle.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah what?” Donghyuck raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah to whatever uh-“ Jisung cleared his throat awkwardly, hating how all eyes were suddenly on him. How Chenle’s eyes were on him. “-whatever Jaemin-hyung said.”

He hoped it didn’t sound too obvious that he hadn’t been listening and to his relief, Donghyuck dropped it and moved on.

He saw Jaemin throw him a curious glance and as soon as the meeting finished, the boy climbed over the seats to make his way towards Jisung.

“Something’s wrong. I know it is. Spill.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Jisung said, speed walking out of the room so Chenle wouldn’t hear them.

Jaemin easily matched his strides. “You said you agreed with my answer.” 

“Uh, yeah. It was a good answer.”

“Oh yeah? Then what did I say?”

“Uh. You know- the thing. About the love. And the thing.”

Jaemin held on to his shoulder to stop him from walking. “You have no idea what I said do you?”

Jisung sighed with exasperation, looking down to avoid Jaemin’s stare.

“I said I thought they were cute, Jisung.”

His eyes snapped up to meet Jaemin’s. "Oh." He spoke in a small voice, “Is that allowed?”

Usually, Jaemin would have laughed but anyone could read the mood right then and so instead he pursed his lips together before looking at Jisung and speaking with utmost sincerity. “Of course it is Jisung… none of us really hate love. We’ve just seen how horrible it can be. But when there’s a love that treats someone kindly… they shouldn’t ever push it away.”

“Hyung, I- I think I like someone.”

Jaemin smiled softly and with no judgment. “Well, are they nice to you?”

“The nicest.”

“Do they make you happy?”

“He does.”

“Does he like you back?”

Jisung paused. “I- I don’t know.”

Jaemin laughed bitterly. “I would say welcome to the club but you’re already in it.”

-

“Here you go,” Jisung pushed over the bowl of ramen he’d made to his mother. His culinary skills weren’t the most advanced but he was really trying.

As per usual, she thanked him with a feeble voice and sunken eyes.

“Why…” Jisung forced the forbidden words up his throat and past his lips. “Why did you and dad break up?”

She let her chopsticks clatter against the edge of the bowl as she set it down onto the table and sighed. She didn’t look surprised or angry, just…defeated. 

“Because he wasn’t willing to try.”

“Because you fell out of love?”

His mother laughed. It was a hollow sound. “That’s not how love works, Jisung-ah.”

And Jisung was confused all over again.

His mother gestured for him to sit down next to her and brought her hands up to stroke through his hair.

“Liking someone is just chemicals. It feels nice, sure. But it doesn’t last.”

His stomach dropped. This is what he’d been saying to himself but hearing it confirmed from his mother made him feel helpless.

“But that doesn’t mean couples don’t last,” she continued.

“I don’t understand.”

“Love isn’t just a feeling Jisungie, it’s also a choice. One day you might not look at your partner and feel your heart race from the way they play the piano or call your name or all the other things that made you swoon initially – but you can still choose to look for the things to appreciate.”

Jisung considered that. The way Chenle spoke about it, he made love sound so easy and so natural. Like something that couldn't be helped. His mother made it sound hard and like a conscious effort. Maybe they were both a little bit right and a little bit wrong.

“But why would you choose to love when it can hurt you like this?”

“Oh you’ve got it all wrong baby,” she smiled sadly at him. “It’s liking someone that hurts. Liking someone is selfish. It’s having expectations and being hurt when they’re not met. But loving someone? That’s pure. That’s selfless. Love doesn’t hurt. People do.”

Jisung felt like he understood a little more and yet a lot less at the same time.

-

Jisung was halfway into maths class when his phone beeped with a notification.

Chenle:

she found the cat!!!

Jisung:

im in maths

Chenle:

my grandma found her cat this is important shut up

Jisung:

where was it?

Chenle:

…

see that’s a good question

Jisung:

…

Chenle:

he was in the kitchen all along

he found a way to open a pack of cat food and just made a den on top of a shelf and stayed there eating for days

Jisung:

i literally have no words

Chenle:

she has bad eyesight okay TT

Chenle picked him up outside his classroom as his lesson finished, pulling out his phone to show Jisung the video his grandma had sent of her cat. Her voice rang out loudly in the background as she called to him sweetly and in return, the cat gave her a half impressed look before walking away to snuggle into a corner of the couch.

“Yeah, he’s cute.” Jisung settled on saying.

Chenle laughed. “Liar. He’s fat and kind of mean, it's okay to be honest.”

“Fat and mean can still be cute!”

Chenle threw him a teasing look. “Kind of like you, huh?”

Chenle had just called him fat and mean but all Jisung could focus on was the 'cute'. He told his stupid heart to shut up before fixing his best glare at the blonde boy.

Chenle laughed. “Oh yeah, that look is not helping your case. You really look like the cat now.”

“I’m not fat and I’m very nice,” Jisung pouted.

“Okay fine.” Chenle grinned, before he tacked on as an afterthought, “But you’re still cute.”

Jisung panicked. His heart was too weak for words like that so he panicked and deflected.

“Is that Macbeth?” he gestured to play wrapped in Chenle’s arms.

“Oh yeah!” the boy beamed and Jisung was thankful for how he was so easily distracted. “I started reading it because you said you said you liked it a lot and it’s actually not too bad!”

Jisung felt like he was going to combust on the spot. He wondered if Chenle had always been this cute and if he’d just started noticing it now that he’d sort of acknowledged his feelings for the shorter boy.

“I told you it’s good.”

“Romeo and Juliet is still better. I mostly just read this for you.”

-

Jisung stared long and hard at the basketball keychain in front of him. He’d come to grocery shop and he’d never intended to buy anything other than groceries but as soon as he’d set his eyes on the small piece of plastic, it had just screamed Chenle. Two different store assistants had come over asking if he needed help because he’d spent that long standing and staring at it.

Would it be weird? Do friends give each spontaneous gifts because they randomly saw it in a shop and it reminded them of the other?

Jisung panicked as he saw a third store assistant watch him warily from some distance away and he grabbed the keychain from the shelf and threw it into his basket.

“For me?” Chenle squealed, twirling around the keychain.

Jisung brought a hand up to awkwardly scratch at his nape. “Yeah?” He didn’t know what excuse he could even give. Everything he came up with in his head made his feelings too obvious. “I don’t know, I just saw it lying around my house-“

“Jisung, the price tag is literally still attached.”

Jisung flushed when he noticed that. “Right.”

“Thank you-“ Chenle leaned forward and suddenly threw his arms around Jisung’s neck. Jisung yelped, arms coming out to catch the small boy who'd flung himself onto him.

Chenle's weight against his body was comforting. His hair tickled against his ear and from this proximity he could smell the fabric softener on his shirt. It was too much and not enough and Jisung felt like he was going to faint.

Thankfully, Chenle saved him from dying and pulled away quickly.

“I’ll never take it off!” He promised as he clipped the keychain onto his bag.

Jisung looked everywhere but at where the blonde boy was beaming up at him with that goddamn beautiful smile of his.

“Sure. Whatever.”

-

Jisung lay awake at 2AM that night, hands tightly gripping onto a pen that hovered over a blank piece of paper he’d been staring at for the past hour. Chenle had a piano lesson early next morning and so he’d gone to sleep and they’d both said their goodnights around midnight.

Now he was left alone with nothing but his own messy thoughts and jumbled heart.

He brought the pen down. And he did something he’d never done before.

He wrote love poetry. 

He’d never written any before because he’d never experienced the emotion in the romantic sense and he had no idea how to put into words what he couldn’t comprehend. He never really understood the way movies and books portrayed romance with all of its drama and excitement and shy smiles and bold touches. He still doesn’t really understand it. But if he’d learned anything recently, from Chenle, from his mother, and from all the members of DNYL – it was that love was different for everyone.

And he wasn’t sure if he hated it or loved it but he realised that the mind had little say in matters of the heart.

So he wrote. He wrote about love or like or whatever it was that made his heart want to burst every time Chenle smiled at him. To him it was scary. It was innocent. It was new. 

-

They were watching a movie again at the club (it was ‘Frozen’ this time) and Jisung and Chenle had turned up late as usual and so they’d been left with no choice in seats. They both packed into a small couch pushed against a wall, barely big enough for the two of them.

Chenle threw his legs over Jisung’s and leaned back as he stuffed his mouth with popcorn.

When Chenle had said earlier that you saw the world differently when you liked someone, Jisung hadn’t understood him, but he certainly got it now. Suddenly he couldn’t focus on the movie at all. He was hyperaware of the way Chenle’s shoulder brushed against his own and the way the reflections of light from the screen danced in his irises, and the way Chenle would gasp softly each time Hans came on screen.

“Why do you keep staring?” Chenle asked without breaking his eyes away from the movie.

Jisung immediately jolted and looked away, cheeks flushing pink at being caught. “I wasn’t.”

“Liar.”

Jisung snuck a glance sideways to find Chenle watching him, his cheeks just as pink as Jisung’s.

“Well…Elsa has power over ice and it just got me thinking about how you said that night that you’d want your power to be able to make people fall in love with you.”

Chenle’s eyes widened just a fraction, as if he hadn’t expected Jisung to remember his answer to that question.

“Well if you did have that ability… who?”

“Who what?”

It was just them in their little bubble, legs tangled and breaths mingling as they whispered.

“Who would you want to fall in love with you?”

Chenle stuttered, his lashes fluttering. “I- uh. I don’t… know.”

Jisung’s heart ached. He didn’t know why he was asking when all it would do was hurt him. “Would it still be her?”

Chenle stared at him. Reflected light flickered in his eyes and Jisung couldn’t read him at all at that moment. “No.” he finally spoke, turning back to face the screen, his blonde hair barely covering the tips of his ears which had flared red. “No, it wouldn’t.”

And that small, stupid spark of hope in Jisung’s heart grew into a small fire.

-

Jisung needed to confess. He'd gone from not understanding romance at all to going through a daily rollercoaster of emotions as he pictured himself with Chenle in every possible scenario his mind could invent. What if they'd met in a foreign country when they'd both been on holiday abroad? What if Jisung had been the confident one and asked to sit next to Chenle instead of the other way around, how would that have gone? What if they existed in a completely different universe where Chenle was some sort of prince and Jisung was but a lowly baker's boy? What if they were both idols in the same company and group, would he still like him then?

He needed to confess and get it out of his system or he felt like he would explode. However, there were two major problems with this: 1) he was nowhere near brave enough 2) all of his closest friends and family members had an awful track record with successful relationships. He had no one to ask for good advice.

“That’s not true!” Donghyuck spoke through a mouthful of kimchi. “I’ll have you know those who’ve had their heart broken are actually more in tune with how feelings work so one could argue we’re actually better with advice.”

Jisung nodded, still unconvinced. “Right. And this is really okay? I mean I’m part of the club and yet here I am saying I like someone?”

Donghyuck swallowed his bite. “Look, Jisung. Myself and all the club members – we understand more than anyone that feelings aren’t a choice.”

Jisung breathed out a sigh of relief. He’d been anxious about losing his newly made friends and this support from Donghyuck meant a lot to him.

“Besides, Jeno comes to DNYL just for the food! He literally has a boyfriend-“

“Wait- Jeno has a boyfriend?!”

“Long story. Don’t even ask.”

Jisung filed that information away to process later. 

“So who is it?”

Jisung winced. “See that’s the other problem…it may or may not be another club member.”

Donghyuck stared at him. "Oh yeah, just go ahead and fall for one of the few people in school with an explicitly anti-love agenda, that makes sense."

“Yeah...Chenle.” He tapered off quietly. 

“Seriously? Fuck.”

Jisung panicked. “Why? Is that a problem?”

“No, no, no… just. He’s so cautious with his heart now. I think that girl or whoever really hurt him. I’ve never even seen him touch anybody since then.”

Jisung frowned. “But he holds my hand all the time.”

Donghyuck stared at him for a long moment before hitting him lightly over the head. “Well, what the fuck are you so nervous about then?”

“I-“

“Friends don’t hold hands all the time Jisung!”

“They don’t?”

“I mean. They might but they usually don’t.”

That wasn’t helpful at all. That “might” left too big of a space for Jisung to have his heart broken.

“You should just kiss him and see what happens.”

“What?!” Jisung hissed. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Come on. If it goes wrong you can just insist you were being a teenager and it was a mistake."

"Being a teenager? What does that even mean-"

"This is a foolproof plan.”

“This is in no way a foolproof plan!”

“Talking about feelings is hard! But just smashing your lips together and hoping for the best? That’s a lot easier!”

Jisung has no idea why he even came to Donghyuck, the guy who launched a whole club on not understanding love, for help.

Donghyuck sighed. “Some people are worth taking leaps of faith for, Jisung.”

-

Ever since Donghyuck had put the idea of kissing Chenle in his head, it had spread like poison. He lay awake at night wondering how Chenle would taste; if he kissed hard or sweet; if he would whine. He couldn’t stop thinking about it.

He watched Chenle's mouth as he chewed down on the end of a pencil in class. Whenever Chenle nibbled on his lip, which he had a habit of doing painfully often, Jisung would always start coughing and spluttering as his thoughts led him too far astray. He'd had to stop eating lunch with the boy because he couldn't stop staring at the way his lips wrapped around his spoon. He'd never felt more pathetic.

And now, as he walked around their school's annual spring fair, he forced the thought out of his head. There were tens of stalls littered on the grass with students selling all sorts of knick-knacks to raise money for charity. Usually, Jisung volunteered to help but with exams and feelings suddenly taking up all of his time, he’d completely forgotten to sign up this year.

“Jisung!” A familiar voice called and Jisung looked through the crowd to find the object of his recent insanity waving him over eagerly from where he stood behind a table. 

He pushed through the crowd and towards the boy who stood as a volunteer at a stall. Jisung's mouth dropped open.

“You’re… green.” He spoke, eyes unable to look away from the mop of mint that now lay on Chenle’s head. 

“Nice observation,” Chenle cackled. “Do you remember your promise?”

“What?”

Chenle smirked, planting his palms flat against the table and leaning over it till his face was painfully close to Jisung’s own. 

“I went green. Now you have to show me your poems.”

Jisung’s eyes widened and he stammered. He’d made that bet that with full confidence that Chenle would never dye his hair green. Besides, the stakes then had been lower. All he would have lost back then were the few remaining scraps of his dignity. But now he had all these hidden feelings and pages and pages of love poetry.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Come on, Jisung!” Chenle pouted and Jisung’s heart went wild in his chest. “Please?”

“I think someone's calling me.”

“No one is calling you.”

“I should go-“

Chenle rolled his eyes. “Alright, you coward. At least participate in our stall before you leave.”

Jisung breathed out a sigh of relief as Chenle dropped the topic. “Sure. What’s your stall?”

Chenle pointed to a sign near the front of the table and Jisung pulled back to read it.

♡Love Booth♡

Compliment: ₩1500

Hug: ₩3000

Kiss: ₩8000

He felt his face grow warm and he snapped his eyes up to look at Chenle.

“Whatever possessed you to run a love booth of all things?”

Chenle laughed, shrugging easily. Why was he always so unaffected? “I was forced into it.”

Jisung nodded curtly.

“So…? Which one will it be?”

“Oh. I- uh.” Jisung felt his ears grow hot. “I’m actually kind of broke right now so…”

“Come on, Jisung,” Chenle spoke and maybe it was just wishful thinking but Jisung swore he looked almost disappointed. “It’s for charity.”

“Right.” 

“When you like someone… you want to touch them… kiss them until neither of you can breathe anymore.” That had been good advice.

“You should just kiss him and see what happens.” And that had been less good advice.

But they both implied the same thing. Would it be so wrong to just do it?

With a racing mind and even faster racing heart, Jisung fumbled through his pocket and pulled out a ₩10,000 note, almost dropping it in the process of handing it to Chenle who just laughed at him with his cheeks pink.

“This is too much,” Chenle spoke but it was clear what he was really trying to ask. Which one was Jisung trying to pay for?

“Just- just keep the change. It’s for charity.” Jisung parroted his earlier words, skirting around the unspoken question.

Chenle pushed the note into a small money box on the table before walking round to stand closer to Jisung.

With shaky eyes, he brought his hands up until he had a palm planted on each side of Jisung’s face. His fingers were cold but Jisung's skin burned under his touch. “This is for ₩8000,” he whispered and Jisung could feel his breath ghost against his skin from their proximity. Chenle closed his eyes and leaned in to press his lips against Jisung’s cheek. His skin tingled where Chenle's lips touched, the hair on his skin standing up from the way Chenle's warm breath fanned over his cheek. Jisung died right then and there.

“And this is for the little extra,” Chenle spoke even quieter, before leaning in and up on his tiptoes to press a quick peck on Jisung’s lips. His lips were soft against Jisung's own and he desperately wanted to push against the boy's mouth harder, to kiss deeper, to taste more.

Instead Jisung blinked, his face blank and his mind barely functioning.

Chenle pulled back, his face bright red. He walked back, stumbling over a chair leg in the process. 

“Uh, yeah. You get a complementary love heart. You can choose from the tray or I can choose for you.” He kept his eyes firmly on the table as he spoke quickly and in a rehearsed fashion.

Jisung stood there frozen. His mind just kept replaying that scene of Chenle's lips against his and his lips against Chenle's and-

“I guess I’ll choose for you then.”

Chenle pushed a small piece of candy into his palm, his fingers grazing over Jisung's skin.

 Jisung left as he noticed the queue that had formed behind him and it was only after he’d walked away that he looked at the words printed on the small lilac coloured candy.

‘I LIKE YOU’

The love heart tasted sour and sweet and like fleeting kisses against his lips.

-

"Have you seen Ms Lee's baby?" Jaemin asked.

Jisung shook his head. He hadn't had the chance to yet because their teacher had been swamped by other students all morning with everyone eager to see the newborn.

"I think it's kind of cool how she doesn't want a partner."

"What do you mean?"

"She's had IVF done with a sperm donor."

"Oh." Jisung hadn't known that. A few months ago Jisung would probably have said he was the type of person who couldn't imagine growing old or starting a family or getting married. That if he was to ever have a kid he'd probably adopt alone. But now... he's not so sure. He doesn't understand how somebody could not want the familiarity and exhilaration that came from standing side by side with someone you cared about.

"We should go see her now, the younger years have lessons so she'll be crowded with fewer people."

When Jisung and Jaemin finally found her, Jisung caught sight of a familiar mop of green hair and heard a piercing laugh that he'd grown so used to of late.

"She's strong because her mother is," Chenle was saying to their teacher who smiled down at him and lowered her arms so Chenle could coo at the baby from closer.

Jisung gulped as Chenle's eyes looked up to meet his. This would be the first time they talked since the kiss. Jisung wondered just how many people Chenle had kissed that day.

"Jisung! Jaemin!" Ms Lee beamed as she saw them approaching. "Meet little Heejin."

Jaemin instantly rushed forward to fawn over the baby.

Jisung hung back, coming to a stop near Chenle.

"She's cute, isn't she?" Chenle asked.

Jisung hummed. 

"You don't think she's cute?" he asked looking scandalised.

"I think she's... okay. I'm not the biggest fan of babies."

"That's fair enough."

They fell into silence. 

"How did your stall go after I left?"

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. Good." Chenle looked away. "We made a lot of money."

"I bet you did." Jisung forced a laugh, "A lot of people in our year would pay for kisses." He winced at how bitter the words sounded even to his own ears. 

Chenle's fidgeted with his fingers. "You... were the only one that I kissed." He stared harder at the baby. "On the lips I mean."

Jisung's heart drummed in his ears and his palms grew sweaty. The baby was yawning in Ms Lee's arms and Jaemin was proclaiming that he was in love with her.

"Because I paid a little more than others?" 

Chenle glanced at him, face red.

"Because I like you a little more than others."

Jisung startled. He looked at Chenle, desperately searching for sincerity in his face. For some reassurance that he wasn't misunderstanding. Chenle looked everywhere but at Jisung.

"I think..." Jisung began, "I like you a little more than others too."

The words rang honest and loud into the air between them.

Chenle looked up to meet his eyes then, his pupils blown wide with hope, and a pink blush dusting his cheeks. "Really?"

Jisung swallowed. "Maybe even a little more than a little."

Ms Lee approached Jisung before Chenle could reply and he focused on getting his congratulatory messages out of the way so he could return to where Chenle was standing and watching them from the side. Even though he was talking to his teacher, his mind and his heart were still back with the green-haired boy who was smiling too widely at nothing as he swayed on his heels.

Some people didn't need romantic love. Jisung had never seen anyone look as in love with life as Ms Lee did as she talked about the child she was going to raise alone. And some didn't want it. Renjun still flinched every time anyone came near him. 

Jisung used to not see the point in love at all but with Chenle smiling at him with stars in his eyes, he couldn't imagine a world where they didn't exist side by side like this.

-

“So you’re dating now?” Mark asked, unconvinced. 

“That is usually what being boyfriends means. So... yes.” Chenle replied.

Jisung felt dizzy and giddy at hearing Chenle calling him his boyfriend in front of everyone like that. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around that yet. That he was Chenle’s. That Chenle was his. What country had he saved in his past life to deserve this?

Donghyuck was the first to jump up squealing. “Congratulations!”

Jaemin was the second. And then most people followed suit. For an anti-love club, they were being generally quite supportive of them. At some point, their little group had just become more of a safe space and more of a second home than anything else. You could just be who you are. With or without love.

-

Jisung:

lovepoem#9.jpg

a deal is a deal

im a man of honour

He watched with anxiety as the typing bubble appeared and disappeared for several minutes. Just when Jisung had been about to put his phone away, Chenle called him, the notification lighting up his lock screen, which he’d changed to the picture of Chenle with Chu. To a picture of his boyfriend with Chu.

Before he could even get out a “hi”, Chenle spoke up.

“That is a lot to unpack Jisung - from the number nine implying you’ve written at least eight more, to the poem itself.”

"Twelve more actually," Jisung smiled sheepishly even though he knew Chenle wouldn’t be able to see him. “Yeah… I kind of went through a moment.”

There was a silence before Chenle spoke up again. “Could you read the third line for me? Your handwriting is the worst.”

Jisung skimmed over the poem, blushing as he read line three. “Fuck off. I know you can read it.”

“Please, Jisungie?”

Jisung was weak for Chenle. So he swallowed the burning embarrassment and the mortification as he read.

“It feels like I’m dreaming with my eyes open - people say this is what love is like.”

Chenle hummed in satisfaction. Jisung could tell he was smiling even though he couldn't see him. “I thought you said you didn’t write love poetry.”

“I didn’t… and then I did.”

“Right. That's very clear. Thank you for that explanation.” Chenle spoke with sarcasm dripping from his words.

“I don’t know. I started to maybe understand the appeal of Romeo’s soliloquies.” Jisung rolled his eyes at his own comment but he knew it’d make Chenle smile. He was immediately rewarded with the sound of Chenle laugh through the phone. Somewhere along the way it had become one of his favourite sounds.

“I knew Romeo would win you around!”

“You really like him huh…should I be competing with him for your affection?”

Chenle giggled. “Don’t be stupid, that’s not a fair competition.”

Jisung felt giddy. 

“Romeo would obviously win.”

And of course, that’s what Chenle had replied with. Jisung smiled, knowing he didn't mean it. 

“But no, it’s a really pretty poem. I really like it… I really like you.” Even through the phone, he could hear Chenle's smile from the way he spoke.

Jisung felt his heart flutter at that. He’d never shared his poems with anyone before. He knew even now he could have sent one of his older and less personal ones to Chenle instead of wearing his heart on his sleeve, but he wanted to Chenle to read this. He wanted Chenle to know what it felt like to be loved.

“It's about you, you know.”

Silence, and then, “I know.”

It should have been scary and it was. Vulnerability is always scary. And love is scary.

And sometimes love is also painful or difficult or confusing. Jisung still doesn’t really understand it. He doesn’t understand how the same thing that can make someone feel like they’re on top of the world can also shatter them that much.

But he knows this – some people are worth loving. And they’re worth trying for when love gets hard. You can’t choose who you fall for but you can choose to keep their Haribo heart safe in your hands.  

Inbetween long naps in the library, hiding from teachers in storage cupboards, and 3AM text conversations where Chenle complained extensively about his grandmother's cat – Chenle had given him a little piece of his heart and Jisung had given part of his away too. 

Jisung might not understand love. But maybe he doesn't have to. And Chenle didn't have any superpowers; he couldn't magically make everyone fall in love with him. But Jisung thinks he does a pretty good job at it with just his smile alone. 

-