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You know, today was supposed to be great. It’s only 12:00 PM, and already it’s ruined. I didn’t even do anything! I woke up at eleven, ate brunch with Red (he made it for me, such a sweetheart), I showered, and was gonna go to Viridian for some errands. I opened the front door to our house, took a deep breath, and was ready to have a productive day. Until this… abomination showed its face. It’s small, has grey fur, and it has these huge eyes THAT WON’T BLINK.
I stare at it, perplexed, “What the fuck is that? What the fuck is th- is that a fuckin’ Pokémon?!” It just keeps staring at me with those dead eyes.
“Hey… don’t fuckin’ look at me like that,” I say getting slightly closer to it. I have no idea what this thing is, but it creeps the hell outta me, “That’s a weird fuckin’ Pokémon.”
I turn towards the house and yell through the open door, “RED! HEY THERE’S A WILD POKÉMON OUTSIDE,” Knowing Red, he has Pikachu outside of his Pokéball, so I frantically start looking around for him, “I DON’T WANT IT STARTING A FIGHT WITH PIKACHU,” As I look up I see Pikachu sitting outside our bedroom window on the sill, he also looks confused, he’s curled up with his tail barely covering his face, “It’s okay Pika, it’s okay don’t worry about it, okay?” I say to him.
I look back towards the weird looking… thing and I call out to my idiot fiancé WHO IS DEAF APPARENTLY, “RED! THERE’S A WEIRD FUCKIN’ WILD POKÉMON OUTSIDE,” It’s not blinking just… why won’t it blink. Maybe insulting Red will get him out here, yeah that’ll work, “I-it looks like your grandma, the fuckin’ thing!”
Still nothing. I’m on my own apparently. I decide to yell at this amalgamation of my nightmares, “Hey hey get outta here! I don’t know if you’re a real Pokémon,” It just keeps staring at me, “Blink mother fucker!”
As I keep my eye on it, it starts walking towards me. Still staring, keeping eye contact, “HEY HEY WOAH WOAH NO. STAY BACK YOU FUCKIN’ THING.” You know, I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life. Gyarados killed my father, bullied throughout grammar school, helped take down a criminal organization, almost lost my only friend due to my own selfish reasons, helped beat and capture Mewtwo, lost said friend due to a government conspiracy for 5 years, and saved the world from an alien Pokémon. But nothing in my life could’ve prepared me for this. This is hell. This is torture. Giratina has come to reap my soul.
I hear rapid footsteps from inside the house, and Red bursts out then open front door with just a towel on… I try to avert my eyes, but I also take a quick mental screenshot of the picture I’m seeing.
Red’s panting hard, he looks frantic, he turns to me with a panicked look, “Leaf what’s wrong? Are you hurt?!”
I point at the absolute demon in front of us, “YEAH UH, WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT THING?”
Red gives me a confused look, and looks to where I’m pointing, he gasps and looks back at me, “Leaf, why is there an Espurr in our front yard?”
My jaw hits the floor, “It has a fuckin’ name?!”
Red decided to catch the… Pokémon I guess. Apparently it’s native to the Kalos region, so this thing crossed oceans just to fuck with me. What a prick. In the end, I decided that I wasn’t going out. After an encounter like that, I don’t want to leave the house. I am going to sit on the couch, and watch TV and I will not move the entire day.