Work Text:
The only time Ciel Phantomhive is afraid is when he sleeps. The evil he fights for his queen cannot phase him, for when he holds a demon in the palm of his hand, what mortal threat can harm him?
The demon is not there to protect him in his dreams. No one clutches him in arms of safety or stands in front of him to absorb every blow. In his dreams, Ciel is alone.
He awakes suddenly, wrenched from his memories by his own screams. It takes him a moment to realize that he’s finally awake, and he’s dizzy even though he’s lying down, feeling his heart beat hard enough to be painful. He can’t seem to stop shaking as he huddles under his thick blanket, trying to rid himself of the urge to vomit.
His teeth are chattering so hard that he almost misses the sound of the bedroom door opening. He didn’t hear a knock; either he’s more distracted than he thought or his butler is simply looking to aggravate him. The thought fails to bring up his usual indignation, but it’s impossible to focus on anything other than his fear.
Ciel hears the sound of footsteps come to a halt near his bed, and when he lifts the edge of his blanket just slightly, he can see the soft glow of candlelight. His tremors don’t stop, but they do start to abate. He cannot hear or see much when he is cocooned in his blanket, but Ciel knows that Sebastian will stay to protect him until the end.
He never emerges from underneath his blanket, and the demon never speaks. He finally falls asleep with the rising of the sun.
Ciel does vomit the next night. He barely makes it into the bathroom before his stomach cramps and he’s on his hands and knees choking up hot, foul liquid.
His eyes stream and he can’t breathe as his throat constricts again and again. He feels both hot and cold, and the terror of his dreams makes him feel as if he’s going mad.
He fails to hear his butler enter, but smooth gloves are suddenly brushing his hair out of his face and a hand rests gently on his back.
When he’s finished, he can’t move. Sebastian’s words are indiscernible, but the familiar tone prompts Ciel into motion. He follows Sebastian’s guidance without hearing the instructions, and he finds himself in bed again, shivering in spite of his thick blanket.
Ciel closes his eyes as Sebastian gently tucks him in, but he doesn’t sleep. He pretends to, but he’s sure the demon knows he’s faking.
Sebastian doesn’t leave his side until the sun rises, leaving as quietly as he had entered to begin his preparations for the day.
Ciel is still awake when his butler returns, wheeling in the tea cart and throwing open the curtains as if he hadn't just spent half the night watching over his master.
Ciel follows Sebastian’s lead and rises, trying to look as if he’d had a full night’s sleep. When Sebastian’s gloved fingers just so happen to brush Ciel’s when he hands the boy his tea, Ciel pretends not to notice the touch or the fact that his hands are instantly steadier.
The day stretches on, slowed in a haze of half-noticed moments due to Ciel’s lack of sleep. He sits alone in his study, trying to focus on the papers in front of him when the panic comes out of nowhere – a single painful image flashing into his mind and causing him to freeze, heart pounding.
He feels himself start to sweat and his throat clenches, cutting off his oxygen. Ciel drops his head to his desk, hands clenched in his hair as he tries to regain some kind of control.
Today he’s fully alone. Earlier in the afternoon, he’d snapped at Sebastian, who had developed the habit of hovering when he was least wanted. Sending his butler on errands for the remainder of the day had seemed like a good idea at the time – now, not so much.
His breath escapes in tiny wheezes, and he would scream if he had the ability to. It takes some time before he can move without feeling as if he will pass out.
Ciel is barely functional for the rest of the day, lightheaded and tense even though his panic had faded. He goes to bed before dinner, and when Sebastian returns to the manor, he finds Ciel buried underneath his covers again.
This time, Sebastian’s arrival does nothing but remind Ciel of his own weakness, and he finds himself screaming needless abuse at his demon and commanding him to leave.
Ciel hears Sebastian sigh and exit the room, and unwelcome tears burn and blur his eyes. Tonight, he hurts too much to accept any form of comfort. If he did, the fragile wall he’d built might break and he would lose what little control he still had over his pain.
Sebastian doesn’t return that night, and Ciel wonders if he’s offended the demon to the point where he can no longer be bothered to look after Ciel unless given a direct order. The thought hurts more than he would have expected.
He manages to sleep a few hours out of sheer exhaustion, but those hours are restless and he wakes repeatedly.
Ciel refuses to leave his bed the next day, convincing himself that he doesn’t care if Sebastian chides him or hates him or has decided to give up on him completely (all lies, but he’s good at pretending).
Sebastian is courteous as always when he arrives, speaking only to announce Ciel’s breakfast selection. He places a cup of tea and a plate of food on the nightstand and leaves the curtains drawn when he exits the room.
Ciel wishes he’d stayed.
Sebastian returns twice that day, bringing Ciel lunch and dinner, clearing away the untouched food from the previous meal.
Ciel’s tremors return as the room darkens into night. He’s exhausted and weakened from not eating, but he knows that if he drank even a sip of tea, he’d throw it up again. The memories grow harder to put off, and he braces himself for the moment when he’ll slip into panic.
This time, he hears the knock on his door. Ciel’s need for his demon is as strong as his desire to push him away, so he remains silent.
The door opens anyway, and Sebastian enters, a candelabra in one hand and a thick book in the other.
Ciel buries his face in his pillow to avoid meeting Sebastian’s eyes. He has no strength for their usual games, no snarky comebacks or daggered words to defend himself with. He doesn’t want to see or hear Sebastian express his disappointment in Ciel’s weakness.
The demon says nothing, and Ciel risks a quick peek when all remains silent. Sebastian has placed a chair barely a few feet away from Ciel’s bedside, the candelabra resting on the nightstand. Sebastian appears fully engrossed in his book, ignoring Ciel’s stare.
Ciel continues to watch his demon, and slowly begins to relax. The flickering candlelight, the soft whisper of turning pages, and the mere presence of Ciel’s protector makes the boy feel that there is nothing to fear, in spite of the memories vying for his attention.
At some point, he emerges a bit more from underneath the blanket, the memories temporarily dulled to whispers instead of screams. Sebastian is halfway through his book when Ciel begins to drifts off.
Through half-closed eyes, he sees Sebastian finally look up at him, and the curve to his butler’s lips is unmistakably fond.
He shuts his eyes completely as Sebastian stands and pulls the blanket back up over Ciel’s shoulders where it had begun to slide down.
Ciel reaches out blindly and grabs Sebastian’s sleeve when the demon withdraws his hand, then lets go just as quickly.
Sebastian stills, then places the lightest touch on Ciel’s hair.
Ciel cracks open one eye as his demon sits back in his chair and reopens his book, showing no sign of leaving.
He closes his eyes again and snuggles into his bed. He’s still exhausted and worn down from his fear, but the demon by his bed soothes him enough that he can pretend that he’s ok, even if that illusion lasts only for the night.