Chapter Text
He didn’t know when or how it had happened, or even how he had suddenly become aware of it, but the fact of the matter was Seungjoon was in love with his best friend. It had been almost a year since Seungjoon had realised that the fond feelings he had for Hyojin were more than that of friendship, and these past months they’d spent together felt like he had been on a blissful high. What could be better than being in love with your best friend? To be able to hang out with him every day, confide in him everything and have him share everything in return.
Everything except for one thing; he hadn’t told Hyojin how he felt. And he didn’t intend to. When he had first realised his feelings, he had decided it would be better not to confess. He knew everything about Hyojin after all, and he knew his friend did not feel the same way. But that was okay, he had reasoned, it was okay as long as he was able to be by Hyojin’s side, and that was all that mattered, wasn’t it?
In the past few days, he had felt a subtle change in himself. Or had it started weeks ago? He had started to notice an uncomfortable, heavy feeling inside, most prominently when he was with Hyojin. What was it?
“Seungjoon! Hello? You didn’t laugh at my joke!” Changyoon, his friend and classmate, prodded him as he pouted, upset that whatever he had said hadn’t received the response he’d expected.
“Oh, sorry, what did you say?” asked Seungjoon, pulling himself away from his thoughts.
“I said can you be-LEAF how big that sprout was?” said Changyoon, with a huge, cheesy grin on his face. Seungjoon stared at him. “Be-LEAF,” repeated Changyoon, “Get it?” Seungjoon silently turned away from his desk mate, giving him one last judging stare.
“Hey that was my drop, Hyojin-hyung!” yelled Minkyun, who had come up from the classes below during the break to play games. He sat opposite Hyojin at his desk as there were plenty of empty seats while the students wandered around and visited their friends from other classes.
“You snooze, you lose!” responded Hyojin with a laugh, without removing his eyes from the game on his phone. Minkyun lightly hit him on the shoulder. When Hyojin didn’t react, Minkyun leant across the desk and tried to tickle him. “Quit it!” yelled Hyojin, trying to pull away still laughing. “I’m going to steal kill everything if you keep it up!”
“Hyung!” shouted Minkyun, still trying to both distract Hyojin while playing the game on his phone.
“Why don’t you two just get a room and get married!” blurted out Seungjoon. This successfully distracted Hyojin as both he and Minkyun looked up at him at his sudden outburst. Why had he said that?
“Uh, sorry, I just heard Changyoon’s stupid ‘be-leaf’ joke and I think it’s affected my brain,” said Seungjoon, trying to laugh it off. He turned back to Changyoon and lightly punched him on the arm.
“Look at what you’ve done; now I’m making crappy jokes like you.” At his explanation, both Hyojin and Minkyun had a look of understanding and laughed while Changyoon held his arm and gave him a suspiciously knowing grin.
“Hey, it was a good pun!” said Changyoon.
“It was the worst! I can’t be-leaf you tried that on us- OH MY GOD I DIED” yelled Minkyun suddenly, looking down at his phone. “Resurrect me, Hyojin-hyung, resurrect meee!” The others laughed and Seungjoon joined in weakly before standing up from his desk.
“Going to the bathroom,” he said briefly before leaving the room. He caught Hyojin’s eye who looked at him with a slightly concerned expression. Seungjoon tried to give him a reassuring smile.
What the heck was that? Seungjoon thought to himself as he walked down the corridor filled with students chatting and gossiping with each other. He felt that uncomfortable feeling inside him again, more intense than before. Maybe it was a stomach ache? He entered the boys’ bathroom and went straight to the sinks, turned on a tap and splashed his face with water. He looked up at his reflection, water dripping from his face. What is wrong with you, Lee Seungjoon? What’s happening? The image of Hyojin and Minkyun laughing together suddenly flashed across his mind and he felt a twinge. Surely not. He grabbed a paper towel and dried his face and hands before leaving the bathroom. They’re your friends, you idiot. You can’t… you can’t feel jealous. Was that what this feeling was? He paused in the corridor, trying to understand this new revelation.
He felt someone walk into him as he suddenly stopped. “Ah, sorry hyung!” said a young voice. Seungjoon turned to see Yuto and Minseok, two of the younger students who he regularly practiced dance with.
“No, it was my fault, Yuto,” replied Seungjoon smiling at both him and Minseok.
“Aren’t you going back to class, hyung? Break is almost over,” piped up Minseok.
“Of course, I just stopped to, uh, check my shoelaces” He looked down at his shoes. “Yep, still tied,” he said brightly, looking back up at the two. Yuto looked at him with a slightly confused smile while Minseok checked his own shoelaces. “Well, I’ll be going now. See you two later!”
“Bye, hyung!” chorused the two, waving as they left. Seungjoon waved back as he watched them leave before heading back to class too.
He was unable to concentrate for the rest of the day, trying to untangle the mess in his head. Thinking it through slowly, he realised it wasn’t just jealously. What was it? This… ache? Heartache? Could it be something so dramatic? He put his head in his hands, frustrated.
“Alright class, study your notes from today and answer the revision questions at the end of Chapter 24. They’ll be in next week’s quiz,” said their teacher. Uh oh. Seungjoon looked down at his almost empty notebook page and groaned quietly. As he always had, he turned to Hyojin for help.
“Hyo-,” he suddenly stopped himself. Without really knowing why, he didn’t want to ask Hyojin this time. He turned back to Changyoon who was putting away his things. “Hey Changyoon, can I borrow your notes?”
“Yeah, sure,” replied Changyoon, still packing up. Seungjoon took a quick look at the still open notebook and groaned internally. What was this, it was all illegible to him. He tried squinting at the writing to see if that would somehow make it better. ‘Something something round something’ what? He heard a small chuckle next to him.
“What are you looking at his notes for? Just borrow mine,” said Hyojin, placing his notebook on Seungjoon’s desk.
“Why, what’s wrong with my notes?” asked Changyoon, pouting again.
“Your handwriting is the worst,” replied Hyojin, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Hurry up, what are you doing? We’re going to miss the train,” he said to Seungjoon who was staring dumbly up at the two who were both now ready to leave.
“Uh, right!” Seungjoon quickly shoved everything into his bag and got up to leave with them. Why? Why had he not wanted to ask Hyojin for help just now?
Seungjoon and Hyojin lived in the same neighbourhood, which meant they walked much of the same way home together. They had stopped by a food stand and purchased a snack each, one corndog on a stick and one twisty potato, also conveniently on a stick, and now sat on a bench in the park as they ate.
“How is it?” asked Seungjoon, nodding towards the corndog that Hyojin was eating.
“Good,” replied Hyojin, munching happily. “Here,” he said, holding it out for Seungjoon to take a bite. He leant forward to try the corndog but burnt his lip.
“Ah! What the- how are you eating that, it’s still flipping hot!” exclaimed Seungjoon, putting a hand to his lip. Hyojin laughed.
“Because I’m a pro,” he said, taking another bite. Seungjoon glared at him. “You big baby, let’s see then,” said Hyojin, grabbing Seungjoon’s wrist to move his hand from his lip. Seungjoon felt his heart beat faster as Hyojin moved closer to inspect his lip. “It looks fine,” he said, letting go of his wrist. “Want to try again?” asked Hyojin, waving the corndog and grinning.
“No thanks,” replied Seungjoon, turning away in a huff to eat his twisty potato and to hide his smile.
Later that evening, after dinner, Seungjoon left his house to go for a walk to clear his head and try to understand what had happened earlier that day. First of all, it was true he had felt a moment of jealousy during their break period. That was unreasonable, he thought. For one, there was nothing to be jealous about; it had just been friends messing with each other. He felt a slight pang again at the image. Ah what the heck. He had reached the park by the river and breathed deeply, stretching his shoulders and turning his head side to side to stretch out his neck. Secondly, what right did he even have to be jealous? That’s right, even if there was something to be jealous about, we’re just friends. He breathed out slowly. Get a grip. He nodded slowly to himself. Everything has been fine up until now so don’t ruin it. He started walking slowly along the path again. It was good that he had realised it was jealousy, he thought. Now that he had logically dissected the situation and understood it, it would surely go away.
And what of that other feeling? Heartache? He crossed an arm across his chest and held his chin in thought with his free hand. No, that’s crazy. Why would I feel heartache? More like heartburn from too many fire noodles. He’d been eating a lot of them recently with Hyojin. That must be it. He decided he’d just have to cut back on the fiery noodles from hell. Seungjoon sighed. It was a shame, but a necessary sacrifice to get rid of that slow burning feeling in his chest, and everything could go back to normal.
The next morning, in an effort to not feel unwarranted, negative feelings, he tried monitoring himself throughout the day, trying to assess each situation before responding. This resulted in him giving delayed reactions and not being as talkative as usual.
“Ha-ha-ha,” laughed Seungjoon belatedly once again, as his friends stared at him.
“Are you okay? You seem off today,” said Hyojin, with a mouthful of chicken. They were seated at a table in the cafeteria for lunch.
“Do I?” He sat in thought for a moment. Changyoon pointed at him.
“He’s doing it again! Maybe he’s been replaced by aliens,” suggested Changyoon.
“Or he’s a clone!” said Minkyun excitedly. Hyojin ignored them and turned to Seungjoon again.
“…Anyway, are you okay?” he asked again. Seungjoon could hear Changyoon and Minkyun who had started bickering about whether he was an alien or a clone.
“Nah, I think I’m a bit out of it today,” he replied honestly, “But I’ll be fine.” He smiled at Hyojin who smiled back.
The next day at school, Seungjoon tried really hard to act like he usually would. He laughed extra loudly at all of Changyoon and Minkyun’s jokes, chattered even more about random things, ate with more enthusiasm during lunch and danced extra hard after school with his dance group. After a few days, his friends did not fail to notice the strange change that had overtaken him.
“Have you guys noticed anything weird about Seungjoon lately?” asked Hyojin during one lunch break after said friend had left after loudly declaring he needed the bathroom and made finger guns at them. They were sitting on some benches in the courtyard outside today.
“Yeah, he’s been laughing at all my jokes lately. I thought I liked it at first but now it feels kind of weird,” said Changyoon, leaning back against the non-existent back support and almost falling off.
“Me too. He’s always been loud but recently he seems louder?” added Minkyun.
“And at dance practice he’s dancing harder than usual too,” said Jaeyoung, Minkyun’s classmate and another friend that was in Seungjoon’s dance group.
“He isn’t being as strict as usual though? Minseok made some mistakes during dance practice but Seungjoon-hyung didn’t say anything,” said Yuto, glancing at his friend. Minseok’s eyes widened.
“I did?! Why didn’t Seungjoon-hyung say anything?” asked Minseok, surprised.
“Is he okay?” asked Changyoon, leaning forward on the bench.
“I don’t know,” replied Hyojin, “He’s been acting strangely with me too lately. The other day after we had a snack from the convenience store, he suddenly clapped me on the shoulder and said ’This was great, buddy!’ and then left. He didn’t even wait for our fire noodles.”
“What about fire noodles?” asked Seungjoon, who had returned from the bathroom. He smiled while looking around at them all.
“We were just saying that you seem kind of different lately. Kind of like…” started Hyojin.
“Kind of like you’ve been possessed by the ghost of yourself, like a Seungjoon squared,” said Changyoon.
“Ah, really?” asked Seungjoon. If he was to be honest with himself, he hadn’t felt normal either, but he had hoped that if he tried hard enough things would naturally fall back into place. He looked at his friends’ faces and knew denying it would be of no use. His eyes fell onto the lollipop Minseok was holding. “It must be the candy I’ve been eating lately. It’s new and probably making me a bit loopy.”
“What candy?” asked Hyojin and Minseok in unison, one with a tone of suspicion and the other of curiosity.
“Japanese candy? It’s called-” he accidentally made eye contact with Yuto, “YuYu candy. Like I said, it’s new, you probably wouldn’t have seen it yet.” Most of the others looked satisfied with his answer, although Yuto still looked at him curiously and Minseok looked glum. “Ah look, the others are heading back to class, we should too,” said Seungjoon, noticing students getting up and leaving the area. He waited for the others to go ahead before putting an arm around Minseok as they walked. “What’s wrong?”
“You got new candy and you didn’t share it with us?”
It was night and Seungjoon was taking a stroll at the park by the river again. Alright then, operation ‘Act Normal’ didn’t go quite as planned. Now what? Perhaps he could try again, but try to control his enthusiasm? I thought I was doing it right though. He stopped walking and looked out at the river, black but for the reflection of the lights of the park and those from the restaurant and street lamps on the other side. He sighed. Why am I doing this? Because he wanted things to go back to how they were before, before he felt like his feelings had become… painful. The low, burning sensation in his chest hadn’t gone anywhere even after cutting back on the fire noodles, which he had tried to convince himself were to blame. Am I sad? He leant his forearms on the railing that ran along the path next to the river. Isn’t what we have enough?
He noticed a couple walking along the path on the other side of the river and couldn’t help but feel envious. He could call Hyojin out to have a night stroll with him too. But it wouldn’t be the same. He closed his eyes and felt the cool, night wind against his face. He did feel sad. Perhaps this one sided love was finally taking a toll on him. He wanted to tell someone, to let everything out and have someone to ask for advice. But the best person to confide in couldn’t be told.
I guess I could tell Changyoon… or Jaeyoung… Although the older boy was usually a bit silly and seemed foolish, he was actually quite thoughtful and empathetic. And Jaeyoung who was always kind would probably have some sound advice. He raised an arm to cup his chin as he thought. Should he tell them? He sighed again. He could already imagine the advice they’d give. They would probably tell him to confess or gently advise him to give up. He could imagine their reasoning too. If he confessed, Hyojin would surely understand. At best, he would return his feelings, which Seungjoon knew was not a realistic outcome. At worst, Hyojin would not feel the same and gently let him down, things would go back to normal and Seungjoon would just have to learn to let go of these feelings. At least, that’s what Changyoon and Jaeyoung would say would be the worst outcome. He clasped his hands together while keeping his elbows on the railing. Seungjoon didn’t want to think of the third possible outcome, one which neither would say… that his confession and subsequent rejection could make their friendship awkward and ultimately… end it.
Which was why he hadn’t confessed all those months ago when he had first realised he was in love with him. He put his face in his hands, not liking where this line of thought was going. Either they tell me to give up or I confess and then give up. He looked up at the river again, not really seeing it. So the answer is… I should give up? But… I don’t want to give up. But he couldn’t go on like this either. These past weeks had been so uncomfortable. It was more than not wanting to feel unreasonably jealous or acting like a lunatic… this aching feeling of… longing? It was too much. He suddenly laughed at himself. What am I, in a drama? He quickly looked around to check if anyone had seen him laughing alone in the park.
A woman stood with her dog a short distance away, looking at him like he was some weirdo.
“I just… remembered this funny show I saw last night. There was this robot guy…” he trailed off as she turned around and walked her dog back the other way. He sighed and put a hand to his face. I have become the weird guy in the park. He shook his head and chuckled at himself but quickly stopped before another stranger came along to spot him.
But really, this, whatever this crappy feeling is, has got to go. He turned and stared into the river again, wanting to just remove his chest and throw it out into the water. It really seems like all paths lead to the same result. Stop it, stupid chest and brain, we’re supposed to be part of the same body, why are you hurting me? It felt like he was procrastinating. Delaying the inevitable. At least I had those months where I was blissfully ignorant and happy, without thinking of the end. He took a deep breath, looking out again at the water, the lights on the other side of the river and up at the stars in the sky.
Okay, Kim Hyojin. For the sake of our friendship, I’m letting you go.