Chapter Text
Erwin slid a key into a lock he’d soon familiarize himself with. Another failed relationship, another new apartment for him to adjust to. It was always so lonely the first few weeks. He hated how quiet it was, how still the air felt, how the bland walls seemed to mock his emptiness with their own. He thought maybe he should get a dog. Was that pathetic.. to seek companionship he knew would never fail? It felt like cheating.
Erwin truly felt he was always to blame. “Not today, please.” He begged himself as he tossed the keys onto his new kitchen counter. One day, that’s all he asked for. One day where he didn’t rip himself apart wondering what the fuck was wrong with him.
He sat a bag of ‘groceries’ on the counter. He used the term very lightly. Erwin was a bachelor in every sense of the word. He didn’t intend to burn his new apartment down with what he considered cooking. He just popped a meal in the microwave and let it go.
Erwin stopped and looked around, taking a minute to soak in what he called his new home. He had no motivation to decorate despite how much he loved home goods stores. Part of him felt like there was no point if he couldn’t share it with someone. Who would he bring over anyway? Mike? Nile? They’d probably just tease his decor choices anyway. Erwin blew a frustrated sigh from his nose and crossed his arms. He leaned back against the counter and pouted childishly. It wasn’t fair.
Erwin zoned out momentarily while throwing his own mini mental tantrum when the beep of the microwave startled him. “Son of bi-“ his whole body shook from the scare. Erwin grumbled something inappropriate under his breath and pulled the microwave door open. He tried to pull the meal out with his bare hands, cursing each second of steamed pain until he dropped it onto a plate. “Jesus-“ Erwin rolled his eyes. He picked the plate up and walked it to the living room. Erwin turned on his tv and sat on his couch.
It all felt so familiar, like clockwork. He couldn’t help but trap himself in his own thoughts the way he begged himself not to do earlier. Why did he have to be this way? Each previous partner always said the same thing. ‘I just feel like you’re not invested in me as much as I’m invested in you.’ They’d say like a mantra. The wording was almost exactly the same every time. Erwin sometimes wondered if his exes all communicated with each other to match stories.
The truth was, Erwin couldn’t deny it. He wasn’t as invested and he couldn’t fully comprehend why. Well, he knew why, but it didn’t make any sense. All he had really ever wanted was the type of companionship he saw on tv or the way his parents loved each other.
He tried so hard to let go of the dreams because that’s all they were.. right? He had tried to get help once, but it had turned sour fast. Erwin knew no sensible person would believe him. They shouldn’t have, but in his defense, it always felt so real. Dreaming was strange. Usually he woke not remembering much other than a general idea. However, these dreams were different. Erwin remembered everything. That’s why it felt so real. Even with his closest friends, but they didn’t seem to experience the same
He had met Mike and Nile at such a young age that he couldn’t decide if his brain superimposed them into his dreams or if they were truly a part of the memory. Erwin felt like it was infuriating not having black and white answers.
He remembered once, seeing someone on the street, someone Erwin swore he knew. The undeniable familiarity of the stranger was the whole reason Erwin couldn’t stop himself from believing maybe /he/ was out there somewhere. “Levi-“ Erwin was used to saying the name out loud. He found himself doing it sometimes just to soothe his heavy heart. It ended a relationship once. Erwin must’ve been dreaming. His girlfriend at the time had told him he’d /sighed/ Levi’s name.
Erwin had been extremely embarrassed because he knew what the dream had been about specifically and it had definitely not been appropriate in any sense. In fact, it had been down right filthy. His girlfriend had told him to pack his shit after that. Erwin couldn’t blame her. He probably would’ve done the same. A huge part of him never wanted to give up on the idea of levi being real. But even if he was, there were eight billion people in the world. What were the odds Erwin would even find him?
What if Levi was already married? What if Levi didn’t know who Erwin was? There were just.. so many scenarios that could shatter Erwin’s heart. Was it worth even trying? It didn’t seem to matter because Erwin had become obsessed any time he left his home anyway. He looked at every passing face, no stone unturned. Sometimes if he couldn’t see someone’s face, he’d ‘accidentally’ run into them. Pathetic, really. But Erwin had grown to not care. He felt like he searched the world for Levi. Whenever he traveled for work, he took full advantage of the opportunities. Everyone could call him crazy all they wanted but In Erwin’s heart, he knew Levi was out there. Maybe Levi was even waiting for him.
Erwin bit his lip and enjoyed the little flutter of his heart when he thought of the most romantic meeting possible. They’d lock eyes and recognize each other immediately. Levi wasn’t the best with words in the dreams but this was a different world, a calmer world. Maybe Levi learned to relax and maybe even smile more. Erwin hoped so. Levi had a beautifully awkward smile. He closed his eyes and let himself really picture the moment. Maybe all of Erwin’s waiting would pay off someday.
The one nice thing about his new home was that it was walking distance from work. Erwin didn’t like to drive if he didn’t have to. He wanted to walk as often as possible and maybe that was driven by his obsession to creepily eyeball passing faces.
After the first week, the faces became repetitive. Erwin then decided to take a different way to work. Another week passed and those faces became repetitive too. So, again, Erwin changed his route. He looked through shop windows and all. Erwin knew it was silly to feel as frustrated as he was, but he’d kinda hoped maybe fate would have put them in the same city. He’d always been a hopeless romantic. He didn’t feel stupid for searching. Erwin had exhausted all embarrassment ages ago.
Once, he’d set up an online dating profile describing his perfect match as everything Levi was and ridiculously hoped the man would find it and reply. After that, Erwin knew he couldn’t be more pathetic so he simply embraced it.
After a particularly hard morning, Erwin decided to stop in a shop he passed on his newest route to work every day. He hated coffee. Bitter was a taste Erwin absolutely couldn’t stand. Maybe because he had enough pent up bitterness in his life without the coffee. Okay, he knew he was being dramatic but he couldn’t help it. Erwin lightly tapped his own cheeks to wake him up a little more. He ordered a drink that had the most cream and sugar in it as possible. The poor girl behind the counter had to walk him through the entire menu.
“I’m so sorry, I’m new at this.” Erwin laughed sheepishly. He waited at the end of the counter for his name to be called. Erwin thanked the barista kindly after picking up his cup. He lifted it to smell the flavor. It actually smelled quite good, but Erwin was distracted when he turned around. He thought it smelled very comforting and sort of.. lost himself in a moment of peace without noticing another body behind him. With a forced ‘oof’ he knocked into a smaller man behind him.
Erwin felt like he was having an out of body experience. Time seemed to stop as he watched the brand new hot cup of sugar with a splash of coffee slip right from his hand. His eyes widened as he watched it collide with the top right shoulder of the man now in front of him.
‘If I could just die now, it would solve more than one of my problems.’ Erwin thought to himself immediately. “I am so sor-“ he didn’t get a chance to finish before the other man reacted, and Erwin was most definitely not prepared. “What. The. FUCK.”
Erwin’s heart pounded as the man punctuated each word but it wasn’t the anger that seized every cell in Erwin’s body. No.. the voice- /that/ voice. Erwin almost vomited on the spot. Thank god he didn’t. He wasn’t sure this man could handle another mess. No- because Levi hated dirt and mess. Erwin’s eyes lit up and he couldn’t stop the smile on his face. “Oh for fuck’s sake, what planet are you on to look as happy as you do for just ruining my fucking suit?! You shitty fucking Barbadian-“
The voice just kept going. Erwin didn’t even notice when the now empty coffee cup was thrown at his own suit. He didn’t care about the residual splashes on his white button down. He didn’t care about anything actually. Not until he realized Levi was walking away. Erwin’s eyes widened for a different reason and he went after the smaller man. “Wait!” He called for him, hoping Levi turned around. “Why? So you can shove a danish up my ass next?! I think you’ve done enough damage today, fucking asshole.” ‘That’s not exactly what I wanted to shove up your ass but-‘ Erwin slapped himself to get a grip. He didn’t have time to have a private moment with himself when Levi was right there.. right in front of him.
Levi was still leaving and hurling insults at him, but Erwin didn’t care. “No wait-“ he reached for Levi but the smaller kept going, clearly trying to rid himself of the blond as quickly as possible. Erwin ran after him anyway but lost Levi in the crowd.
It was weird, standing there with a stupid look on his face. Maybe it wasn’t the romantic meeting he’d always hoped for or let himself day dream about, but Erwin watched in the direction the smaller man had gone with the most disgusting love sick smile on his face. He felt like the clouds parted and angels were singing. His whole body felt so light and his heart soared with a newfound hope he’d lost so many years ago. Every effort he’d made wasn’t a waste. Erwin wasn’t crazy.
Levi was real, and Erwin had just ruined his three thousand dollar Armani suit. Through the cloud of absolute bliss and validation, reality seemed to set in slowly. The smile on his face faltered a little. Levi was real and Erwin had just ruined his suit. “Oh, fuck me.”