Work Text:
"If Franklin had made that choice, which one of us would he have killed?"
Trevor had picked Michael up a few hours ago, and instead of the usual routine (go to a bar, drink, fight, repeat) Trevor had taken him to a mountain road in the middle of nowhere. Michael probably should have been scared shitless but then again, Trevor had brought them a bottle of The Mount and apparently he had also showered. At least his last moments would be happy, sitting on the hood of Trevor's Bodhi, getting drunk while not suffering from his stench, and watching the absolutely gorgeous sunset. Just like the old times.
Trevor's question surprised Michael for two reasons. First of all, he had never thought about it before, because he didn't think Franklin actually considered killing either one of them. And, more importantly, the question was very sudden. They had been quiet for a while, just emptying the bottle while listening to Los Santos Rock Radio, which Trevor had agreed to listen because the music apparently reminded him of "simpler times". Michael hadn't asked what he meant by that.
He hadn't thought about Franklin's choice before but now that he did, the answer seemed pretty obvious. "Why would have Franklin killed me?" Michael snorted. "I've known him longer than you have, I got him into the game. He's like a son to me."
"So what, you think I don't care about him? Huh? You think he could have killed me?"
"Not really, no, but if he had picked…"
"After the way you betrayed me, you think he could do the same to me?" Trevor sounded pissed off.
Michael wanted to yell "YOU EAT PEOPLE, YOU FUCKING MANIAC, WHY WOULDN'T HE KILL YOU", but he decided not to. Instead he rolled his eyes, looked away, took a long gulp from the bottle and hoped Trevor would drop the subject. He really fucking didn't want to have this conversation once again. They were having such a fun night, too: Trevor had only once reminded Michael that Amanda used to be a stripper. Trevor hadn't exactly seemed happy all evening, but all things considered the night had gone well.
But when had Trevor ever missed the chance to fight with him?
"Franklin's not like you, anyway. He's not a fucking Judas selling out his friends."
Michael kept drinking and had counted all the way up to four when Trevor grabbed him by the lapels of his leather jacket, demanding his attention. "Hey!" Michael snapped and tried to get Trevor's hands off of him with the hand that wasn't holding the bottle.
"Stop ignoring me, you asshole!" Trevor snarled at him.
Michael angrily slammed the bottle on the hood of the Bodhi, almost breaking it, and got on his feet. His patience, the little patience he had, had run out. Trevor followed him, not letting go of his jacket, facing him and swaying a bit. He was standing so close it almost made Michael want to squirm away from him, but he had no intention of showing that to Trevor. "Fine, let's talk! But really, T, this same shit again? How many fucking times? I already told you I'm sorry, and I am, but if you keep bringing this up every fucking time I see you…" Michael grinded his teeth together.
"How many times? Enough times! Because you know what, Sugartits?" Trevor swallowed loudly and Michael knew that this conversation was going to be different. His eyes revealed that. "I never gave up on you like you gave up on me. I really thought we would make something beautiful together, that we would run this country to the fucking ground together!"
Michael watched Trevor's face distort with emotion.
"I thought you'd eventually come to your senses and realize the life with Amanda wasn't for you. I really believed that, you know, back when I was young and naive and full of hope and dreams! Back then, when you weren't such a treacherous fucking snake!" Trevor was poking his chest with his other hand, while still holding on to his jacket, and inching even closer.
Michael pushed Trevor with a bit more force than earlier, but Trevor still clung to him. Michael knew what this was about, even if Trevor didn't say it out loud. But apparently it was time to finally open this Pandora's box. "Yeah, well, tough luck, buddy. It was doomed from the start, whatever it was between us. It was impossible and nothing should have ever happened. Not before Amanda and definitely not after..."
"... After you decided to have the fairy-tale life and abandon your friends—"
"Would you shut up for just one fucking minute! I did what I did for my family! If you hadn't been so impulsive I might not have needed to do it. The FIB might not have found me at all if you had just contained your craziness. So don't blame me, blame yourself." Michael was being harsh, but only because Trevor was a goddamn idiot who couldn’t let go of the past.
Miraculously, Trevor let go of him and actually stayed quiet for the short while it took Michael to search his pockets for a packet of Redwoods and light one up, but he didn't back off. Michael glanced at Trevor but quickly turned his head away when their eyes met. He looked tired and something else, something Michael couldn't describe, but the look in his eyes made Michael feel something he had forgotten. Suddenly he felt sick and almost regretted his words. He tossed away the cigarette before even breathing in the smoke and waited for Trevor to talk.
"This might just be the first time you have ever acknowledged that there was something between us, Mikey."
Michael stopped to think for a moment. Trevor was probably right. He never liked to talk about their... thing. It was just there when they were lonely and high after jobs. And sometimes between jobs.
"Yeah? Is that what you've been waiting to hear? That's why you keep bringing up the same shit over and over again?"
"Yes, Mikey, because I was fucking hurt! And I still am!"
Michael looked him in the eyes now. "Fine! There was something! You happy now? There was something but it was a mistake. A bad one. Always was." Michael’s voice sounded shaky even though he tried to sound stern.
Trevor leaned closer. "Oh, but I don't think so. Be honest with yourself and admit you never felt alive in your so-called marriage. You left me because you thought of it as your duty." Trevor's eyes were wide and heated. His hand returned to his chest, first poking and then just staying there.
The reason Trevor was so hostile against him? He still had feelings. Michael wanted to throw himself down the cliff. How in the hell hadn't he realized that before? After Trevor found him again, he had just assumed that nine years was enough time to get over him, so he never interpreted Trevor's hostility as anything else but anger.
Everything made more sense now.
Was Amanda a duty? Of course he had considered himself to be responsible for the baby, when Amanda had told him she was pregnant. He had wanted only the best for Tracey and Jimmy and had tried his best to be a good dad and a good husband. But Amanda? Yeah, they wouldn't have lasted longer than five years without the kids.
"... I did love Amanda." Michael said after a while. It was true. He had loved her. Now their marriage was a mainly dysfunctional partnership.
Trevor considered the statement. "Maybe you did. But was it ever nearly as good as what we had?"
Michael didn't answer.
"Don't you think you need more than a stale marriage with someone who hates you, huh?"
Michael laughed joylessly, "There aren't many people who don't hate me, if you haven't noticed." He reached for the bottle while maintaining the eye contact, took three hefty gulps and gave it to Trevor.
While Trevor drank, Michael watched him and remembered all the good times, the heat and the danger and the great adrenaline rush he only ever experienced with Trevor. He was feeling the rush now, after all this time. He remembered the nights in shitty motels, the nights that felt like they should never end. But he also remembered all the bad times, the times when Trevor put all of their lives at risk with his crazy shit. The times when he threatened Amanda and scared the children, the times he and Trevor fought, the times he was scared that Trevor would get himself killed... But somehow the bad times didn't seem as important anymore. They had both survived to this point, after all: Trevor against all odds and Michael despite the countless number of times he wanted to drown himself in his own pool out of sheer boredom. What did all of that shit in the past matter now? They were still alive!
Trevor finished the bottle and frowned at it. Michael took it from him and threw it away, taking Trevor's hand in his own. Trevor raised his eyebrows. "You okay there, Sugartits? If you're finally having the stroke we've been waiting for, let me know so I can leave you here to d—"
Michael had plunged forward and was kissing Trevor for the first time in, oh, maybe 10 years? His hands found the back of Trevor's neck. The kiss felt familiar, bringing back memories of them together, doing this and so much more, yet it felt strange at the same time. Something was off: his tongue was looking for Trevor's, but he didn't find it, and then he heard the sound of glass hitting the ground and Trevor grabbed his face — and pushed him away, against the Bodhi. Michael blinked confusedly and waited for Trevor to say something. Trevor licked his lips, his eyes on the ground and his hand now resting on Michael's jaw and cheek.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" He sounded angry, dangerous.
"I thought you... I thought that's what you..."
"Yeah, I do, Mikey, but what do you want?" Trevor asked exasperatedly.
That question seemed to haunt him. If he knew the answer, his life wouldn't be such a goddamn mess, would it?
"I mourned you for years, Michael," Trevor said when he realized Michael wasn't going to answer so easily.
"I know."
"No, you don't know! You don't know the first fucking thing!" Trevor let go of Michael’s face. He shrugged off his denim jacket, threw it on the ground and started to undo the buttons of his shirt. Michael's eyes widened a bit, but Trevor stopped undressing himself after he got rid of the shirt. He still had his t-shirt on, and Michael was very confused for a moment, until Trevor turned a bit so that Michael could see his left arm. He was watching Michael's face closely.
Oh.
Michael swallowed, his gaze shifting between the tattoo and Trevor's face. He had no idea. His chest felt tight.
"You can't understand because you had already abandoned me. You didn't care about you and me."
"Hey, the decision wasn't easy to make! It's not like I went to the FIB myself. They found me and offered me the deal. I couldn't go to prison, T," Michael sighed.
Trevor took a few steps back and turned around, putting his hands behind his neck and gazing into the sky. It was getting dark now. "The last time I asked you to leave them and come with me..." Trevor started.
Michael almost winced because he remembered the night. Trevor had sobbed against his stomach and practically begged him to run away with him. "Asked" was putting it mildly.
"... You knew what you were going to do." Trevor stated.
Michael wanted to lie but Trevor had already figured it out, so what would be the point of that? If he had wanted to save Trevor's feelings, he wouldn't have slept with him that night. It was far too late for that now. "Yeah." Michael wondered if he sounded as ashamed as he felt. He sat back down on the Bodhi, feeling defeated. "I'm sorry, T. I shouldn't have let it get that far. It was fucked up, but I guess I wanted to say my goodbyes to you, even if I actually couldn't."
"Why? What did it matter to you?" Trevor turned around. His face was unreadable.
"Because I wasn't completely heartless. I cared for you... even if you don't see it", Michael added when he saw Trevor starting to argue with him.
"Sure you cared. Just not enough to figure out a way out of the deal, huh?"
"We have both done mistakes, okay? It wasn't exactly delightful to meet your Chinese business partners."
"You deserved that!"
"Maybe, but would you really have been happy if they had killed me? Or if Franklin had?" Trevor's face said it all: he had always worn his heart on his sleeve, not ashamed of his feelings. Michael was the total opposite. "Look at us, T. Trying to have each other killed, fighting all the fucking time, killing people, doing awful shit. Jesus. We are so fucked up", Michael declared, thinking about their past and the present. Yes, Trevor was absolutely insane, but he really couldn't say he was any better. He enjoyed the robbing and killing just as much as Trevor.
Trevor's eyes light up and he seemed like himself again. "Yes! Yes we are! Don't you see we need that? We aren't normal! We thrive in the chaos and destruction!"
Michael thought about it for a moment. He really stopped to honestly think about it, not caring about the ideal image of himself he had created. Michael laughed. He felt so good he almost felt himself tearing up. Because of course Trevor was right. He felt ecstatic, like his insides were bubbling with excitement.
Suddenly Trevor was closer to him again, yet not close enough to touch. "You know I am right."
Michael didn't laugh anymore. "Yeah. You are."
Trevor's features softened and he moved closer to Michael. Any closer, and Michael would have had to open his legs to let him near. He didn't mind the idea. "So what do you want, Mikey, huh?"
Michael still didn't have an answer and the question was starting to seriously annoy him. He furrowed his brow and sighed. "I don't fucking know." How could he have any sort of dreams or plans for the future? Especially with Trevor? He was a mess, Trevor was a mess, they had been impossible together. Amanda and the kids had made him more stable once Trevor was out of their lives, but then again, it turned out that to him being stable just meant being unhappy.
"Don't lie to me. What are you so fucking afraid of?"
"... That there has been too much shit between us for us to make this, whatever this is… work." Michael answered honestly.
"What are you expecting, Sugartits? Massages, rose petals on the bed, wine? That's not us and it never will be. It doesn’t have to be. By the way, I'm not buying you fake tits either."
Michael snorted but said nothing.
"You have always tried to put yourself in a fucking box, Mikey, but you're never gonna fit into any of them. Go back to her if you can't be honest with yourself but we both know you'd be a miserable piece of shit there. I say stop trying to find the easy way out and admit who you are."
"So I should just accept the fact that I'm a thief, a cheater, a liar, a murderer…?"
"Yes!"
"This is why we were impossible back then, T. I have always wanted to be better, one of the good guys." Michael slid down from the car.
Trevor gave him some space. "Fine. Have it your way." Trevor's eyes betrayed his hurt.
This was probably Michael’s last chance of escaping this… well, them. If he left now, he probably wouldn’t get another chance with Trevor. He considered it for just a moment: was he ready to turn his life completely over yet again?
A moment was enough.
Michael smirked and grabbed Trevor's hips, flipping them around so that now Trevor was against the car. "I said ‘were’."
"What?" Trevor’s eyes frantically searched for something in his eyes. Michael smiled.
"Were impossible. Back then. Might still be, I’m not sure yet."
Trevor glared at him. "I swear to you, Michael, if you're just fucking me around, I'll gut you."
"And eat me?"
Trevor's grin could have potentially been pretty terrifying, but Michael didn't think so. Not anymore, at least. God, he really was crazy. "You should know, Sugartits, that I don't actually eat people."
"Well that's a fucking relief."
"But I will make an exception if you…"
"T. Shut up." Michael licked his lips.
"I'm serious, Mikey." Michael hadn't seen Trevor look and sound like this in a long time. His voice was raw.
"So am I. Look, I can't tell you what I want. I'm too fucking scared to hope for anything because we already have an enormous amount of shit to work out between us. I've been making the wrong decisions all my life but maybe together we can…" He couldn't finish the sentence and just tightened his grip on Trevor's hips. Michael was certain that Trevor wasn't expecting him to confess his undying love and devotion, but Michael was still scared. What if Trevor needed more than what he was able to give him right now?
But then Trevor pressed up against him, ran his fingers through his hair and kissed him fervently, and Michael stopped thinking about all the things that could go wrong.