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It was 9:53pm and Robbe’s bedroom was a mess. Papers were scattered across his bed and a handful of notebooks and textbooks littered the floor. Empty glasses sat on the table beside him and numerous pairs of shoes were strewn about the room.
Robbe hated messes, but he’d gotten carried away in his studies and his room ended up looking like a war zone. The worst part was it was only adding to his stress.
It was Saturday night and his exams were beginning on Monday. In his heart he knew he’d studied as much as he could but the anxious tick in his brain was pounding on the inside of his skull and he couldn’t ignore it. He still had to revise a whole unit of study for Dutch before going to sleep.
“Fuck!” he cried, throwing the papers he was holding to the side and gripping his head. He had a headache and was exhausted but couldn’t rest until he’d finished this. “Fuck.”
A soft knock on the door and then Milan was poking his head in. A light frown formed on his face as he looked at Robbe and asked, “Are you okay?”
“I still have to finish writing notes on the last chapter of Economics.” Robbe said, more to himself than Milan as he began to rock back and forth on the bed. He put his head between his knees and breathed deeply. “And I spilled water on my last set of notes so I have to re-write the last two pages.”
Milan entered the room and sat down beside Robbe on the bed. He picked up a notebook and hummed. “Hm, I remember this. Never was my thing.”
His attempt to keep the mood lighthearted failed. Robbe frowned at the stack of papers around him. Milan was smiling but as soon as he looked across to Robbe, it dropped off his face. “Robbe?” he asked with worry. “Robbe, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay!” Robbe cried, catapulting to his feet as the stress finally came crashing down on him. “I’ve still got so much to go over, my mum’s texting me everyday to ask why I’m not visiting her, and my dad keeps trying to call me because he wants to get dinner but I can’t because I’ve got all this and I-I,”
“Okay. Robbe, breathe.” Milan jumped up, placing his hands on the teenagers shoulders. “Everything is going to be fine.”
Robbe tried listening to his friend, he really did, but everything was compounding in his head and sending his heart rate skyrocketing. His breathing turned into gasps and his body started shaking and he felt like he was burning up. Had it always been this hot in here? Why hadn’t he opened a window? God, he was burning up.
Zoe appeared in the doorway. “What’s going on-oh my god. Robbe! Are you alright? Milan-“
She’d started to enter the room but Milan shook his head fiercely at her. ‘Phone’ he mouthed at her. ‘Get the phone.’
Understanding, Zoe ran out of the room and Milan could hear her speaking on the phone in the other room as he held a shaking Robbe in his arms.
“W-what’s happening?” Robbe asked between gulps of air. “I can’t stop. Milan, I can’t stop!”
Milan shushed him gently, stroking his hair with one hand and holding him up with the other. “I think,” he said softly. “You might be having a panic attack, Robbe.”
Robbe was hyperventilating. He struggled to listen to Milan but he was clinging to his words like there was nothing else to hold on to. His body was trembling and he felt like his thoughts were going to run right out of his head and explode around him. He really hated messes.
There was nothing to do but wait. Milan didn’t move, afraid to rock Robbe and send him spiralling again so he just held him tightly and stroked his head as he waited for Robbe to calm down. There was nothing Robbe could do but keep clinging to the thought of Milan’s soft hands in his hair but every time he saw the mess around him, it set him off again.
He didn’t know when it happened but at some point he’d sunk to the floor. Gasping for air like a fish, Robbe was on his knees and hugging his stomach like he would be sick. His eyes were squeezed closed as he tried to focus on his breathing.
“Milan.” someone said, but Robbe barely heard them.
“Oh my god,” a new voice said. “How long has he been like this?”
Robbe breathed in a strangled gasp. He knew that voice. But he couldn’t-
“About ten minutes. Every time he seems to calm down, something sets him off again.”
Robbe barely felt Milan’s hands leave him but he knew when there was a new pair there. On his neck, across his shoulders, it was a comfortable weight that Robbe found himself anchoring to.
“I’m here,” his boyfriend said. “I’m here. You’re going to be alright.”
“S-Sander,” Robbe tried to say but it came out like a hoarse cry before crashing into another round of gasps. Why weren’t they going away? Robbe wanted them to go away!
“Shh,” Sander hushed gently. “Listen to me, okay?”
Sander was in front of him, hands on his shoulders and staring directly into his eyes as he said, “Hold each breath for longer. Count to five and let it out again.”
Robbe tried but the change in rhythm caused his breathing to stutter and he whimpered.
“The next one, then.” Sander said and began to hold his breath. “I’ll do it with you. See? Just like me.”
Robbe managed to secure his focus long enough to fall into the same rhythm as Sander. They breathed together, one in, one out. Sander rested his forehead against Robbe’s and mumbled reassurances.
Robbe hadn’t even noticed his heart rate had stopped stuttering until he collapsed against Sander’s chest with a shaky sigh. His boyfriend caught him immediately and kissed the top of his head, still whispering soft words in Robbe’s ear.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat there but soon Robbe opened his eyes. His vision was no longer hazy and his thoughts were starting to even out. He dared to take a shaky breath and felt relieved when it came out slow and steady.
“Oh my god.” he whispered to no one.
Arms came around him as Sander hugged him from behind. “Are you okay, love?”
“What was that?”
“A panic attack. They’re scary, but don’t last too long usually.”
“That’s never happened before.” Robbe said before his eyes widened. “Am I getting sick? I knew I should have-“
“Robbe,” Sander said, and Robbe fixated on the way his name sounded coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth. A soft and comfortable weight rolled through his gentle baritone.
“You’re not sick, I promise.” Sander said, hugging him tightly. “You’re stressed. All this studying is catching up to you. You need to take a break.”
“I can’t afford to take a bre-“ and before he was set off again, Sander grabbed his wrist and placed Robbe’s hand over his heart.
“Remember this,” Sander said, referring to the soft thud beneath Robbe’s fingertips. “Calm, steady rhythm.”
Robbe focused on each beat of Sander’s heart. His boyfriend kept his hand over Robbe’s as they breathed together and Robbe soon felt the tension leaving his body.
“Woah,” he breathed.
Sander said nothing. Reaching out, he scooped Robbe into his arms and carried him to the bed. Placing the smaller boy down on the covers, he crawled in after him.
Robbe watched as a handful of papers fell off the bed but he couldn’t find it in him to care after what just happened. Everything just felt numb.
It was well and truly dark outside. The only light in the room came from Robbe’s bedside lamp, and it illuminated Sander in its golden glow. Robbe buried his head in the pillow to avoid looking at him.
“How did you know?” he asked.
“Zoe called me.” Sander replied. “She and Milan were worried.”
Robbe felt humiliation rising in the heat of his cheeks. How embarrassing that Sander had seen him like this, whatever it was.
“That’s never happened before,” he said, repeating his words for earlier.
“A lot of things can trigger panic attacks.” Sander said. “I’d say yours was caused by stress, most likely.”
Robbe sighed, looking down at the notebooks scattered across his floor. “I’ve done this before. Why is this time any different?”
“Stress compounds but doesn’t always result in a panic attack. Maybe this time was your breaking point.”
Robbe had no reply to that. He was normally much better at handling his school work. He was so embarrassed about his outburst.
“I’m sorry.” he said.
“For what?” Sander asked.
“Zoe didn’t need to call you,” he replied, now understanding what Zoe had done. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“No one means for these things to happen. They just do sometimes. You have nothing to apologise for.”
“I feel like such a burden. I don’t want to be the type of boyfriend who cries every time he gets a papercut.”
“You are not, and never could be, a burden to me, love.” Sander took his hand and kissed his knuckles softly. “I want to know every time you get a paper cut so I can kiss it better.”
Robbe’s face was still buried in the pillow. He was too ashamed to look up as he said, “How did you get here so fast? You live twenty minutes away.”
“I was at the pub with some friends from school.”
“I’m sorr-“
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
Robbe finally looked up to meet Sander’s gaze. The older boy reached out and used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away the tears Robbe hadn’t even noticed were falling.
“Don’t you dare apologise,” his boyfriend repeated. “This is not your fault.”
Robbe sighed, looking around at the mess hopelessly. “What am I supposed to do now?”
“You’re supposed to sleep.”
“But Sander-“
Sander responded by pulling Robbe up so he could unzip his hoodie. Once shed of his outer garments, Sander simply stripped off his signature leather jacket and climbed into Robbe’s bed, pulling the latter with him.
“You need to rest,” Sander told his younger boyfriend. “Any more time you spend studying tonight won’t be productive. Trust me.”
Robbe trusted him, wholeheartedly and with everything he had, but it didn’t change the anxious feeling threatening to creep into his bloodstream again and take over his body.
Sander reached out and pulled Robbe into his arms. They formed a spoon-dynamic where Sander was hugging Robbe from behind, arms wrapped around his waist.
Robbe sighed at the familiar feeling and let his head fall back against Sander’s chest. He was still stressed, but he felt it fading in a numb haze as his boyfriend pulled him closer.
“I’m here,” Sander promised, kissing the back of Robbe’s neck. “I’m always going to be here.”
Robbe snuggled deeper into his chest. Exhausted, he was on the verge of falling asleep when his eyes opened again. “How did you know how to pull me out of a panic attack?”
Sander shifted slightly but remained tucked against Robbe. Robbe couldn’t see his face but he felt Sander bury his face in between his shoulder blades.
“I had a friend who used to have them a lot,” he replied. “I learnt how to deal with them a while ago.”
“Thankyou.” Robbe said.
“Now we just need to make sure you take more breaks so you don’t get so stressed in the future.” Sander smiled against his skin. “I like seeing you smile.”
As if on cue, Robbe managed a small smile at his words. “Whatever you say, Dr Driesen.”
Robbe was rewarded with a chuckle that was as warm and full as the golden hue coming from his lamp in the darkness of the room.
“I love you.” Sander said, placing a tender kiss on Robbe’s back.
Robbe, smiling, simply leaned back further and let his eyes fall shut. Tomorrow he would worry about exams. Tonight, he was content to lay in his boyfriend’s arms and dream the worry away until he couldn’t remember anything else but the way Sander was around to so easily put him back together, and always would be.