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The water lapped at the shore, a cool breeze sweeping across the lake. You had driven there to think. Another day, another screaming match. You couldn’t help but wonder if it would always be like this, if love was destined to fizzle out like a fire left unattended. You had taken the ring off in the midst of it all before storming out the door.
It wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time, two men out of time had charmed their way into your life. You were the newest Avenger then. Things had just settled after the Accords fiasco. You had fallen for them both in equal measure. You didn’t realize falling for them would lead to this kind of feeling.
It had started simple enough. You were pulled off your first mission back from injury six months prior. You had understood. You could have died on the mission that had been the reason for your injury. But you had completed your therapy, your injury was healed, and you were clear and back in fighting form. And then you got pulled from the next mission. You were only being put on lower level missions, with field agents rather than the Avengers. People took note, rumors swirled that maybe you weren’t the same person you were before the injury. Anyone who was in the field with you could tell that wasn’t true.
The first big fight you had with Steve and Bucky ended with you spending the night away from the compound, at Tony and Pepper’s cabin. Tony had come to be like a father figure to you. You had spent that night watching Morgan and avoiding talking about what had happened until Pepper coaxed it out of you later in the night. That had been four months ago. It had taken you two months to catch on to what was going on. You could remember that fight with striking clarity.
“So, would either of you care to explain why the hell I’ve been stuck with babysitting duty?” you asked as you stormed into Steve’s office. He and Bucky were in the midst of a discussion about an upcoming mission, one you had finally been scheduled to be part of, only to be pulled off.
“You’re not ready,” Steve said, his tone stern and commanding. You glared at him.
“Bull fucking shit Rogers. You know as well as I do I’ve been ready for the past two months. But apparently, my commanding officer can’t take his head out of his ass long enough to see that I’m not a fragile doll,” you snapped.
“Calm--,” Bucky wasn’t able to even get the phrase out of his mouth before your attention turned to him.
“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. I don’t know what you two are playing at trying to keep me sidelined,” you snapped. Steve ran a hand through his hair.
“You scared the hell out of us. We could have lost you, doll,” he said.
“And you don’t think I have the same worries about you two?” you asked him.
“You’re not...you’re normal,” Bucky said.
“So is Natasha. Sharon, Sam? Yet you don’t sideline them, even when they get injured. So, do you want to try that again Sergeant Barnes?” you asked. Both of them looked at you with wide eyes. They had never seen you this furious, at least not when the fury was aimed squarely at them.
“Perhaps we’ve been unreasonable,” Steve conceded.
“No, you don’t say. Fix it, Captain Rogers,” you said before turning and leaving the room, slamming the door behind you.
While you were back on missions with the Avengers, you were only on missions with Steve or Bucky. Before the injury it was common for you to be partnered with Natasha on missions, or with Natasha and Clint if a situation called for it. They had both had heated discussions with Steve and Bucky over it. The missions you did go on, you felt more like you were being treated like a child rather than a teammate. You were always paired with one of your boys, which under normal circumstances you wouldn’t have disagreed with. Another fight and they had eased up on that too, but it was taking it’s toll on your relationship.
It had all led to today. While legally your marriage wouldn’t be binding, the three of you were still planning a ceremony. You had been discussing plans when Steve mentioned it.
“ And once the kids come, we’ll talk about nannies to help you when Buck and I are on missions,” Steve said. You furrowed your brow.
“What about when I’m on missions?” you asked. The two shared a look.
“We just...we figured you might retire?” Bucky asked, suddenly unsure.
“And let you two have all the fun? I’m not ready to retire. There’s still a lot of fight left in me. Besides, we talked about this before, remember?” you said.
“And what about when you’re pregnant?” Steve asked.
“Obviously I wouldn’t be in the field but there’s nothing stopping me from going back once the baby is born. I know you two are from a different time, but god, I figured you were more progressive than this,” you said standing up.
“It’s different. If you were anything other than this, than an Avenger,” Steve started to say.
“Do you even hear yourself right now? You two do the same damn thing I do. You may be super soldiers but you’re not immortal! You’re just as human as I am. You don’t think I’m scared of losing either of you too? That when I think about us, about having children, that I’m not terrified about our kids losing a father? Of potentially losing me? But that’s the risk we take. Maybe my feelings will change once we have kids but it’s a decision you can’t make for me. It’s my life too,” you said, your voice cracking.
“Sweetheart,” Bucky said.
“No. I can’t do this, I can’t,” you said. You pulled the ring off your left hand and set it on the table before walking toward the door and grabbing your car keys.
“Where are you going? Baby, please,” Steve said. You forced yourself to keep looking forward. His voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears and you knew you’d break if you looked at him. You slammed the door behind you, and couldn’t shake the feeling of finality as you headed for the elevator, avoiding everyone else.
You loved them. You did. But sometimes, sometimes you felt like they were overbearing, too overprotective. On the surface, it seemed like the conversation around kids stemmed from the era they grew up in, but what Steve had said, about if you were anything but an Avenger, stuck with you. It would be easy to just say it was a sexist notion, but under the surface, you knew that there was more to it, you just had to put the pieces together.
Before you’d gotten injured, things had been different. Even when you’d talked about kids then, there was no assumption that any of you would retire. Cut back on missions maybe, make sure at least one of you was there unless it could be avoided, but you had always been included. You were pulled from your thoughts as someone sat beside you.
“They’re worried about you,” Peter said. You and Peter Parker had become fast friends. You may have been older than him, but he’d become like a little brother to you.
“I don’t know what to do anymore,” you said.
“Do you love them?” he asked. You looked at him, brow furrowed.
“Of course I do,” you said.
“What was so bad that you walked out like that? That you took your ring off?” he asked gesturing to your left hand.
“Peter,” you said. He glared at you.
“If you’re about to say I’m too young to understand, we’re sparring, right here, right now,” he said. You laughed.
“We got on the topic of having kids. When we talked about it when we decided we were getting married, even if it won’t be legally binding, we agreed we’d all cut back on missions, try to make sure one of us stayed back. But then I got hurt. And they almost lost me,” you said, the pieces starting to come together.
“You scared all of us that day. We...we thought you weren’t coming back from that,” he said. You picked at the grass beside you, taking the longer blades and tying them together, an old childhood habit.
“I know. I survived though,” you said.
“They’re probably thinking about what happens if the next time you don’t. You know they’re idiots right? Don’t...don’t tell them I said that. But they want to keep you safe. You should’ve heard Natasha after you stormed out this time. She really let into them after they told her what happened...maybe FRIDAY will be able to show you,” Peter said. You laughed.
“It’d be easy to walk away and say it’s because they’re unreasonable jerks...well, maybe not easy, but. I just wish they’d talk to me about it instead of making decisions for me or about me,” you said.
“Maybe we don’t know how because even talking about our fears is a terrifying thought,” a new voice said breaking into the conversation. You and Peter both turned to see Steve and Bucky standing there.
“What are you doing here?” you asked. Peter was one of the few that knew where you went when you needed space.
“Followed Peter,” Steve said.
“I’m just gonna...go,” Peter said standing up. He still got nervous around Steve and Bucky and you thought it was kinda adorable. As he left, Steve and Bucky sat on either side of you. The three of you sat in silence for a few minutes.
“You know what sucks, about all of this? When you put me on babysitting duty, I felt like you didn’t trust me in the field. When you finally put me back on regular missions, you didn’t put me with my usual partners, and I felt like I was being punished because you know I love you two, but we rarely complement each other’s skills on missions. I felt like you still didn’t trust me. And now this. It feels like you wanted me to quit, be Susie Homemaker instead of the woman I am,” you said. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at either of them.
“No, no, sweetheart. That’s not what we wanted, what we want. We want you to be safe. But with our jobs, that’s not an option. We should have talked to you,” Steve said.
“Yes, you should have,” you said.
“We’re sorry. We overstepped. We let our fear take control,” Bucky said. You fell back into silence, the air around the three of you still uneasy with the undercurrent of unresolved conflict.
“At first, I thought you two were being sexist, which, you were by the way, assuming I’d be the one to retire and raise the kids we don’t even have yet while you two are off doing god only knows what. But, then I started thinking about why you were reacting that way, what had changed your minds. It scares me too. Thinking I won’t come back or one of you won’t come back. But that’s our reality. Even without this hero thing, there’s always a chance that something goes wrong in our day to day lives. Retirement wouldn’t change that,” you said.
The conversation flowed, along with some tears. But for the first time in six months, it was a discussion, not an argument where neither side listened to what the other was saying. You still weren’t sure where the three of you stood but the conversation left you feeling better.
“What do you say, ready to go home?” Steve asked. He had the ring he and Bucky had given you in his hand. You shook your head and both men looked at you, confused.
“We still have a lot we need to work out...I’m not taking the ring back until we do. I’m going to stay with Tony and Pepper for a bit,” you said. It killed you to see the expressions on their faces, but you knew if this relationship was going to work, if it was going to survive, you needed time to work on what had led to this point. A single conversation wasn’t going to fix the months of damage done.
The seasons changed as summer faded into autumn and autumn into winter. You and your boys had been making progress. Therapy had helped. It had started small, with going on dates with them, with both of them and individually. Dates had fallen by the wayside since your return to work. You were the one setting the pace. While there were kisses here and there, you hadn’t been intimate with either of them since the last fight. During your last session, you had brought up feeling ready to be back at where you were before everything happened. You knew what was coming, you just didn’t know when.
Steve and Bucky had taken you to the city for the night to see the tree and walk around Manhattan. When you got back upstate, you had one more stop according to them.
“Do you trust us?” Bucky asked as Steve continued driving. You weren’t sure where he was going, considering he had missed the turn for the compound.
“Yes,” you said without hesitation.
“Put this on,” he said, handing you a blindfold. You raised your eyebrows suggestively.
“Kinky,” you said as you slipped it on. It was just a short while later that Steve parked the car and one of them opened your door as you felt around to unclip your seat belt. Judging by the hand that took yours, it was Bucky helping you out. He looped his arm through yours as Steve came up to your other side doing the same. You were sure you looked about as graceful as a newborn calf as you walked, snow crunching under your boots. It was a short walk before they stopped. You heard them shuffling before Steve told you to take off the blindfold.
You gasped when you saw the sight in front of you. You were at your favorite spot, the same spot where just a few months prior, the conversation that began the fresh start of your relationship had happened. But that wasn’t what was important to you in the moment. Both men were on one knee, fairylights strung around the tree you liked to sit under, flower petals scattered in a heart around the three of you.
You cried as they spoke, each taking a turn to tell you what they loved about you, why they wanted to spend forever with you. And for a second time, you accepted their proposal. The first time they had proposed had been after a mission, without the ring and without the speeches about love and wanting forever. Both had been perfect in their own way. Truth was, you didn’t care about the how, just that it happened, that you and your boys were back on track.
“Sweetheart?” Bucky asked. You had yet to answer. You laughed lightly.
“Yes, yes I’m going to marry you two,” you said. It felt right as the ring was slid back on your finger. Steve kissed you first, then Bucky.
“How about we head home?” you asked.
“Yeah?” Bucky asked.
“Yeah,” you said. You reminded yourself that it won’t always be like this, a calm perfect moment. Arguments were bound to happen, feelings might get inadvertently hurt, but next time it happened, you wouldn’t let it reach the breaking point. Not if you could help it.