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The first Christmas Eve they spend together is one Amanda is sure she will remember forever. Spending a morning waking up to slow kisses and a river of chocolate tresses cascading through her hair, creating a marathon of holiday movies for their kids, brewing hot chocolate and baking cookies. It’s the type of domesticity Amanda always imagined. And the fact that she gets to make those dreams a reality feels so surreal. But every time she looks at Olivia Benson, every time she admires the red dress she puts on for the holiday and the green scarf that sits on her chest, every time she looks at her girlfriend and smiles, Amanda’s knees get a little weaker.
It’s corny to say, and she fully expects Sonny to say something this ridiculous, but it still feels like the first day she realized how far her crush for this woman extended. The first day she saw Olivia outside of work and spent twenty extra minutes deciding how to style her hair or what to wear. She didn’t linger on those feelings, especially when Olivia was put in charge of SVU and eventually promoted to Lieutenant and then Captain. But she always kept her in the back of her mind, and when she finally voiced it and prepared herself for heartbreak, Olivia revealed how alike they were and kissed her until she couldn’t stand straight.
They didn’t have to adjust to the other’s kids, which Amanda is thankful for, considering any partners she had were either unable or unwilling to adapt to them. But Olivia doesn’t mind, even without Noah, and she never will.
Amanda and Olivia take the kids on a walk through Washington Square Park; Noah and Jessie hop in the footsteps left behind, and Billie sits in her stroller, bundled up and eyes drooping. It’s been a while since they’ve had one of their traditional walks, where they watch their kids play or share a warm drink and chat. It’s painfully domestic.
“So I was thinking for tomorrow, we can go see Fin and his grandson for a little bit,” Olivia offers.
“That sounds fun,” Amanda says with a smile. For all the time she’s known her partner, Fin will guard his emotions to the death, but that baby softens him in two seconds and brings out the brightest smiles. “Fin loves that baby. I can’t remember the last time someone made him smile so big.”
Olivia chuckles. “How long do you think it’ll take Rafael and Sonny to adopt?”
“I don’t know. I think they like being uncles for everyone.”
“You mean you want them to stay our go-to babysitters for date night.”
Amanda mock-gasps and clutches her chest. “Me? Never.” Olivia throws her head back when she laughs. Amanda leans over and pecks her cheek in response, unable to stop herself. In response, Olivia cups her cheek and returns the gesture sweetly. Butterflies burst in Amanda’s stomach, stretching her lips from a pleased smile to a giddy beam.
“Mommy and Manda, sittin’ in a tree,” Noah singsongs, having turned around to look up at them. Jessie breaks into giggles and covers her mouth to try and suppress the sound. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
“Mommy, if you and Olivia are gonna kiss like that, does that mean me and Noah are siblings now?” Jessie asks. She and Noah make gross faces that are nearly identical. Both Amanda and Olivia laugh.
“I don’t think it’s gotten to that point yet,” Olivia smiles.
“‘Yet’ being the keyword,” Amanda teases, nudging her hip playfully. “After those cookies you made this morning, though, I might have to make a move soon.”
Olivia stops in the middle of the pathway to look at her with a confused tilt of her head, absolutely adorable in her wonder and genuity. “What cookies?”
“The stars and the trees with the little sprinkle ornaments. I almost ate the entire plate.” She continues walking ahead but when Olivia doesn’t join her, glancing over her shoulder to locate her, she turns and stops, Noah and Jessie next to her. “What?”
Olivia’s face is awestruck but not in a pleasant way. Her eyes are wide and her jaw is clenched in a frown. She takes a small step forward before turning and dragging a hand through her hair. “Amanda,” she sighs, “those weren’t for the house.”
Amanda’s gut drops. The second the words leave her mouth, she knows what she’s done wrong. Right before they had gone out that morning, when Olivia went to change Billie’s diaper and Amanda was distracting the kids with the rest of their breakfast, she noticed the plate of cookies decorated and sealed with plastic wrap. Her plan had been to have one and be done, but it turned out to be one and another and another and then the entire plate except for a tree with a gold star iced on top. She should have asked before she ate any of it, but she had barely had time to eat that morning, and they were already trying to get out of the apartment.
“Those were for Santa,” Amanda grumbles. She hopes Jessie and Noah don’t hear her, but they only look between the two women with blank stares. “I’m sorry, Liv, I wasn’t thinking. I should have asked.”
“It’s fine,” Olivia says, even though it’s not. Amanda saw her making them for two days—she should have known, she reminds herself. “I was gonna label them.” She probably did—and Amanda would have been too hungry to notice.
“I can try and make some for tonight—”
Olivia holds out a hand to stop her with a scoff. “No offense, but after the last time I let you make anything in the kitchen that wasn’t coffee or ice, I don’t trust you to not destroy it.”
Amanda smiles grimly; that’s fair, at least. “I really am sorry.” And she is—both of them had tough childhoods, and tougher adulthoods as a result, so they did what they could to make up for it. For Olivia, that included baking treats and snacks she never got the chance to make with a mother working hard constantly to keep them housed or a job she had made her entire life. “Maybe we can buy some at the store?”
“That might help.” Olivia looks at the kids, who have already lost interest and go back to playing with the snow that has been shoveled off of the pathway. “And our only choice.”
“Santa can’t be that picky, right?” Amanda tries to joke. It earns her a soft snort of a laugh, at least; she’ll take the minor win for now. She needs to think of a way to make up for her mistake.
Her answer comes when they’re getting in the car. Amanda is getting Billie’s stroller in the trunk while Olivia seats the kids. She has to move aside the duffle she had used to bring Sonny a clean set of clothes when he was on a stakeout earlier in the week, and that’s when the idea hits her. That man had so many—almost too many—relatives to bake for. He had to have extra batches available.
It takes three rings for Sonny’s phone to pick up, but it’s not him who answers. “ Hi, Sonny’s hopping in the shower, ” Rafael says. “ He’s about to head out for his Christmas Eve shift. ”
“No problem,” Amanda assures him, shoving the stroller away from the edge so that the trunk doesn’t snag it down. “You can probably answer this question for me. Do you have any extra cookies I can borrow? I may have accidentally eaten the ones Liv made and now the kids don’t have any to leave out for Santa.”
Rafael snorts—of course he would, the bastard—and it sounds like he’s trying not to laugh. “ Well. Good to know we have something in common. Who knew? ”
Amanda bites back her own smile as a courtesy. “You too?”
“ Let’s just say that one Carisi sibling is a handful, but all four of them scolding you for eating the cookies saved for Santa is a category five hurricane. ”
“I mean, you married into it.”
“ It wasn’t surprising. I just wouldn’t wish that on anyone. How many do you need? ”
Amanda hops in the car, ignoring the confusion on Liv’s face. “How many do you have?”
“Guys, really, you don’t have to do this—” Liv tries to assure them. Rafael had invited them over and welcomed them in without any reference to their reason for being here. Amanda is amazed at how many plates are covered with plastic wrap and how many lids of Tupperware are sealed tightly with cookies of different shapes and designs and colors. Sonny tries to butt in at one point to add his input—which ones to take, which bag or Tupperware to use—but Rafael shoos him away to finish getting ready.
Rafael, Noah in his arms, shoots her a look that dares her to keep talking. Olivia rolls her eyes in response. “You two can pick from these two plates,” he says, pointing to the green ceramic plates in front of them. Most of the cookies are misshapen or a bit different from the rest of the baked snacks. Thankfully, the kids had chosen which ones they wanted. It’s almost too obvious to think that they wouldn’t care if a cookie looked odd or had a funny shape. The gesture was more important.
“I want the cracked snowman!” Jessie exclaims, trying to reach for it from Amanda’s arms. The crack goes down the center of the cookie, only on the white icing and nothing more. Its nose is also chipped, and its red scarf has a streak of blue icing going across it.
“I like his scarf,” Noah adds. He looks up at Rafael. “But he needs a friend.”
Rafael points to a dove with a lopsided eye and two legs but no feet. “Maybe this guy can be his friend.”
“They need presents too,” Jessie adds. Noah nods vigorously and claps his hands when she picks up one of the cookies shaped like a present and puts it in their container.
“Again, this is unnecessary,” Liv says. She helps Billie stay upright on the edge of the counter and nibble on one of her teething toys. “We can buy cookies. You two should be keeping these for your families.”
“Cap, really, it’s not a problem,” Sonny calls out from the bedroom. He strides out of the bedroom and grabs his coat from one of the chairs scooted under the island counter. “You’re just as much our family as my sisters.” He pecks Rafael on the cheek as he passes. “I gotta go, I’m sorry, I’d stay if I could—”
“I got it under control,” Rafael reassures him. He smiles at his husband and pats his cheek. “You go watch the streets. I love you. Be careful. Come home safe.”
“I always will. I love you.” Sonny nuzzles his cheek with a goofy grin, says his goodbyes to his coworkers, and walks out the door.
“Who iced this?” Amanda asks, picking up a green bauble that is clearly decorated with runny icing, making the cookie look sloppy and the color dull. Rafael snatches it away with a huff.
“I did, thank you,” he scowls, “and if you’re that offended by it, you can keep it with me.”
“I think it’s pretty,” Noah says. He reaches for it and smiles when Rafael places it in his palm. “It matches your eyes, Uncle Rafa!”
Rafael laughs and jostles him, making him giggle and yell enthusiastically. “If it makes you that happy, then you can have it.”
“I bet Uncle Sonny thinks the same thing too,” Jessie whispers to Amanda, and she bites back an amused snort.
“I think he does,” she hums. Rafael glances between them but thankfully says nothing, putting the cookie in the Tupperware.
They go through a few more options, even getting Billie interested in one so she can contribute and put it in the container. She grins when the adults cheer for her, and she looks giddy when Rafael holds out a hand for her to high-five. When “Uncle Rafa” was around, Noah and Jessie were ecstatic and loved to keep and bask in his attention. Sonny might say his husband could be as soft as a koala that preferred if only he saw it, but there was something about these three kids that softened Rafael. Amanda knew it from moments like these, recognizing it from her own experiences. To have children of her own is something she never thought she could do, but she’s glad she proved herself wrong.
They leave after a few more minutes, much to the kids’ dismay and Amanda and Liv’s thorough thanks. Amanda sends a thankful text to Sonny, who sends her several Christmas-related emojis. She starts to send some back when Olivia speaks up from the driver seat.
“You really didn’t have to do this,” she states.
“I feel bad,” Amanda shrugs. “You didn’t make those for me. I feel like I took advantage of you.”
“Manda—” Liv lets out a long sigh, fingers drumming against the steering wheel. “The only thing that matters is if you’re having a good Christmas. That’s all I could ever ask for.” They pull up at a traffic light, and Olivia looks at her, bright-eyed and loving. “That’s all that matters.”
Amanda’s throat dries. She is in deep with this woman and she hopes she never leaves. Before they dated, she knew the world didn’t deserve Olivia Benson, including herself. And this statement is only proving her point. “I am because of you. I know that much.”
Olivia smiles and reaches out for her hand. Amanda intertwines their fingers and pecks her knuckles, one by one. “I’m so thankful that you’ve let me into your life like this. Just the mere thought that you’re enjoying yourself makes everything worth it.”
Amanda leans over to kiss her. It has to be short, and their hands have to separate so Olivia can drive, but the second they get home and the kids are settled, they can have as much time as they want to hold each other and kiss each other breathless. “I love you. And your cookies.”
Olivia laughs and rolls her eyes good-naturedly; if she can make her sound like that and look happy every day, Amanda would eat every cookie in her path.