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SOCRATES: Master Shake, do you ever think about life--about the truth of it, about the world? Do you ever come to question the nature of reality? Do you wonder what our purpose is? How can we learn to live up to our fullest potential?
MASTER SHAKE: Hell no.
SOCRATES: How can you say such a thing? How can one be content living in such a vast and wondrous world and not exploring it? How can one spend their life in such a way? Can a life not filled with learning even be called life at all?
MASTER SHAKE: Listen, there is way more to life than just sopping up information all day. Don’t you ever just wanna watch tv?
SOCRATES: ...No?
MASTER SHAKE: Where do you get all your information from anyway?
SOCRATES: You see, I learn from questioning, from experience. To me, there is no limit to what you can explore. To achieve a deep understanding of humanity means to learn as much as you can. How do you define beauty, Master Shake?
MASTER SHAKE: Beauty is like... when you see the hot girls on tv! You know, in the comfort of your own home and stuff--with all the curtains shut.
SOCRATES: Oh? Tell me, Master Shake, do you know why you find beauty in keeping yourself in such a tiny and dark corner of our world?
MASTER SHAKE: Listen, I’m a simple man. I like sitting at home and watching my tv, drinking my eighty five gallons of soda per day--did you know I need that to live?--and looking at all the babes all without having to go outside.
SOCRATES: I do not know what most of that is, however, I do know that your purpose in this world could not possibly be locking yourself up in your house, making lecherous gestures at the images of women, and eating for your own amusement.
MASTER SHAKE: Well, what else am I supposed to be doing all day? I’m unemployable!
SOCRATES: I will tell you what I think, Master Shake. It has long been a belief of mine that an unexamined life is not a life worth living. Living only for practical needs and carnal pleasures makes your life empty and fundamentally unfulfilling. Are you a happy man, Master Shake?
MASTER SHAKE: Well, maybe I would be if you didn’t keep asking me so many questions!
SOCRATES: Why do my questions bother you, Master Shake?
MASTER SHAKE: I just don’t like thinking about stuff too hard.
SOCRATES: Why do you think that is?
MASTER SHAKE: You sure do ask a lot of questions.
SOCRATES: Is there any other way to learn? You should want to be more active in your own life. This routine you follow day by day seems to me that you are practically living your life as if you were asleep--
MASTER SHAKE: God, that sounds great. Sleeping all day, I mean.
SOCRATES: Have you ever tried doing anything else with your life? Often one must explore different things in order to find one’s sense of purpose.
MASTER SHAKE: Yeah, I’ve tried lots of things. I was a detective, a crime fighter, I was gay with Dirtfoot--you name it. Now I just stay home all day watching tv or sneaking into my neighbor’s yard to use his pool when he’s not home. You wanna know what I think the meaning of life is?
SOCRATES: I am interested in hearing your perspective.
MASTER SHAKE: Okay. Hear me out. The meaning of life is… convenience and pleasure.
SOCRATES: Convenience?
MASTER SHAKE: Yeah! Convenience. You know, like, taking it easy and stuff? If you ask me, all there is to life is making it as easy as possible and get the most pleasure you can with the least effort.
SOCRATES: Interesting. But I must ask, what happens next?
MASTER SHAKE: What do you mean what happens next?
SOCRATES: After you have gone through your life indulging in carnal pleasures, will you seek to do anything else? Perhaps you may want to assist others in discovering the meaning of life you speak of.
MASTER SHAKE: Now why would I want to do that?
SOCRATES: If have you achieved what you call the meaning of life, would you not consider it virtuous and simply kind to help others achieve it as well?
MASTER SHAKE: Nope! I got mine! Everyone else is on their own.
SOCRATES: I see. Do you not feel that this is a very… unwise way to squander your own potential? Instead of striving for excellency, you merely shut yourself away from the rest of the world. Imagine if everyone else settled for that sort of mediocrity all their lives? What a shame to live only to satisfy one’s most basic urges. What would you say would separate you from animals if that all all you are living for?
MASTER SHAKE: Animals don’t watch tv. Animals also don’t drink eighty five gallons of soda a day. Now I don’t know about you but I sure do think that’s pretty impressive.
SOCRATES: I do not know what soda is, but if it is distracting you and keeping you from living your short and mortal life to its complete potential, then I must tell you that I feel that it is doing you absolutely no good.
MASTER SHAKE: No good? All that caffeine kept me up for 72 hours last week. I watched so much TV I thought my eyes were gonna melt!
SOCRATES: I see. Well, this tv of yours, do you learn anything from it? What value does it hold in your life?
MASTER SHAKE: TV? Of course you can learn all sorts of things from tv. You know they got those… like… infomercials and stuff on late at night? I watched so many of those I tell you, I memorized so many phone numbers.
SOCRATES: How is this newfound knowledge of yours going to help you? How is it going to help others? The world?
MASTER SHAKE: Look, I didn’t memorize it to save the world or anything. I memorized it so that I could call and order a new juicer at any given time.
SOCRATES: Well, I suppose I do not agree with how you choose to spend your mortal life--immediate gratification can only get your soul so far--but what will happen upon your death, Master Shake?
MASTER SHAKE: My death?
SOCRATES: Yes. Only wicked men face death with fear in their hearts. They know that they have not lived their lives in the best way that they could have. Instead of being virtuous and kind, seeking wisdom and sharing that wisdom, they chose to live lives that were completely and utterly forgettable. They left no mark of their own in this world, and as the centuries pass no one will know that they even existed. Proof of life lies with the wise, Master Shake, but one must not only seek out the glory and fame that comes with wisdom, for that is not the purpose of it or even the grandest gift that it gives us. Its greatest gift is the value and enrichment it gives our very psyche. That and that alone is true happiness.
MASTER SHAKE: So you’re telling me I should be a smart guy so people will know that I existed? And I won’t even get to enjoy it because I’m gonna be dead?
SOCRATES: Not exactly. The legacy of a wise and virtuous man ceases to be his own. His name may become lost to history, but what he gave the world will continue to live on throughout the centuries--an indelible mark on history that will continue to inspire others. Is that not the best way to live a human life, Master Shake? To use your limited time in this world to help other men in their ongoing quests for excellency?
MASTER SHAKE: Socrates that sounds great and all, but I’m just a talking milkshake.
SOCRATES: It is no matter, Master Shake, for all men are capable of great things. The truth lies within us all on this spinning earth, and all those capable of reason and rational thinking must help us all uncover the truth behind all the great mysteries of life, and we must lend a hand to those still living as if they had never stirred from their slumber. There is an endless stream of knowledge yet to be uncovered in our world, Master Shake. Go forth and seize it!
MASTER SHAKE: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Hey, look! Carl’s not home. Wanna go crash his pool?
SOCRATES: hell yeah borther