Chapter Text
free kick forum > football > bundesliga > player stats
b_blau: no way they were allowed to eat sweets, nutella, cake or any of that stuff in brazil
b_blau: source: www.bild.de/sport/fussball/nationalmannschaft/die-wm-diaet-334478942.bild.html
kick3r: did you just use BILD as a source
defensefordortmund: what comes nxt? u going 2 read tea leaves & use it as a legit predction for the no. of goals schalke is going 2 score
defensefordortmund: lol
b_blau: who uses ‘lol’ anymore? does the source matter when it’s true?
defensefordortmund: everyone who is not a grumpy grandpa who hates fun. counter q: is it true if it’s BILD?
defensefordortmund: they tots ate nutella in brazil doesn’t matter what the diet plan said
defensefordortmund: u can’t tell me manu and mats went without it for a month
luv_soccer: aw, you’re using nicknames
b_blau: @luv_soccer anyone who says ‘soccer’ instead of ‘football’ doesn’t get a say in this
defensefordortmund: @luv_soccer it’s foOTBALL not socCER
b_blau: i’m still waiting for your source though
defensefordortmund: is me driving 2 ur house and punching u in the face source enough
admin_m: b_blau, stop spreading false information. dfd, stop threatening to drive to user’s houses when they post wrong information/different opinions. I can and will ban both of you. Again.
admin_m: Either way, this is extremely off-topic for this section. I would delete this but it’s also hilarious to watch you argue (about Nutella of all things) so I’m moving it to ‘world cup > 2014 > german nt’
--
Mats might be rich and famous and good-looking but really, he’s just a down-to-earth guy.
When he gets home after practice, after a press conference or after a match, he doesn’t open a bottle of champagne and get a massage on a golden chaise lounge, no, he takes a beer out of his fridge and sits down in front of his computer just like the next guy.
The next guy, though, probably doesn’t log into a forum to anonymously argue about football facts but it’s not like Mats ever really checked with his team-mates.
“Hey, man, you ever googled your name and ended up signing up for a discussion board just to set some smartass right who claimed Marco has only played in 19 international matches?” is not really the way to start a conversation in the locker room.
Anyway, that’s the way it happened. Googling his own name led to a site rating football players out of ten (Mats is proud of his solid nine) which led to looking at the rest of the forum – including user whitelion who kept messing around in the ‘player stats’ section.
Mats simply had to sign up.
It was supposed to be a one time thing, smack-down whitelion with some facts and forget about it but somehow – he doesn’t even know how it happened – Mats started spending an incredible amount of time customizing his profile and editing his icon.
He was worried for a moment whether defensefordortmund as a username was too obvious but then again, who expects a professional football player on sites like this?
He received messages and replies by other users who seemed to like his (admittedly outstanding) insight on match strategies and after a week, checking the forum became an actual part of his daily routine.
Free Kick Forum was a pretty chill place unlike some other sites Mats had found on the Internet before.
It wasn’t super popular, more home to the laid-back fans, and admins kept any serious hate between clubs to a minimum by banning troublemakers.
Mats himself had been banned temporarily before because apparently opening a new thread called ‘what hair products do players use’ is considered too irrelevant or something. Like they would know.
Sometimes, Mats posts pictures of himself or the team training and claims that he got them from instagram or twitter and so far no one got too suspicious about it.
He doesn't notice just how far gone he is, until he downloads the Free Kick forum app, chats with different users and talking about himself in third person (as in ‘ive got the feelng hummels will be in the line-up tmrrw’) starts feeling - normal.
--
b_blau: i’m telling you, there’s no way mats’ height is 1.92m
defensefordortmund: u know u could just google it
defensefordortmund: it says it rght thr
b_blau: i know what it says there but that’s like his official profile or something. i met him and i swear it can’t be true. i’m two cm smaller than him /at most/ and i’m 1.87
b_blau: it’s the fluffy hair i think
b_blau: it adds /at least/ three cm
--
Okay, so there’s another reason Mats keeps returning to the website again and again and it’s user b_blau. That’s not even a cool username, but whatever.
They clash first during the liveblog of a match between Bayern and Arsenal, when Mats is sitting on his couch, juggling his computer to access Free Kick and his phone to text Marco about the game at the same time.
It’s something ordinary, whether that was really offside or not, discussions that Mats has led twenty thousand times before with twenty thousand different users and it really wouldn’t be memorable but it happens again during some Real Madrid match and Mats recognizes the username.
b_blau: did you see the replay? it wasn’t offside. just like in bayern vs arsenal
defensefordortmund: i want sami to score 2 so i’m hppy that referee didnt whistle but it kinda was. just like in b vs a
kickupp: take a look at the player cam at ca. 36:20, it doesn’t look like offside
b_blau: you’re always rooting for the german players, huh?
defensefordortmund: so what
kickupp: hey, just take a look at the player cam
b_blau: nothing ‘so what’, i’m just saying
defensefordortmund: well u can stop ‘just saying’ things
kickupp: hey, hey, are you listening to me? just look at the player cam
defensefordortmund: aren’t u german urself?
ronaldothereindeer: can y’all pLEASE shut up and let us enjoy the game
ronaldothereindeer: it was a goal, it’s done now, don’t make me call an admin, fellows
Mats waits until the end of the game but b_blau never answers his question about their presumable German-ness.
Their user profile doesn’t provide any information either, it’s as blank as you can possibly make it, without the typical gifs and colour banners.
It simply says b_blau at the top and in smaller, grey letters underneath last activity: today. Every other field is set to this user doesn’t share this information publicly.
Mats stares at the grey default icon of a smiley face for a moment before closing the tab.
--
At this point, Mats would probably have forgotten about b_blau but when he comes home after training three days after the offside-discussion, there are six new messages in his inbox on Free Kick.
The first three are replies to previous conversations, the fourth is fishx asking him whether he believes in some new transfer rumor surrounding Sami.
The two most recent messages were sent by b_blau and Mats feels weirdly excited to open them.
i read your little ‘essay’ on team dynamics in >players one by one>retired>david beckham. hilariously misplaced in that section but it was a neat read. probably only you can make a discussion go from beckham’s abs to schindler’s group theory applied to football
oh and also admin_a said this would get you another temporary ban. not the theory, the misplacement.
Mats clicks ‘reply’ and is able to send ‘is that a compliment from you?’ before a new window pops up.
‘You’ve been temporarily banned by admin_a. Reason: use of psychological theory to convince other users of inferiority of David Beckham’s bodily assets.’, Mats reads and sighs.
Just a little bit annoyed, he closes the window and looks at his watch.
Mats decides that since he can't access the forum any longer, it’s at least not too late to call Marco to hang out and play video games.
“Hey, bro, are you up for some games tonight?” Mats asks before Marco can even say his name on the phone.
“Uh, why now?” Marco answers over the low voices in the background. It sounds like he’s watching tv, probably a recording of his beloved court shows.
“What do you mean ‘why now’? Is this a bad time?”
“Nah, I just mean, it seemed like you were always busy this week whenever we were doing something. I figured you- never mind.”
Looking back, Mats can indeed think of a couple of times when he rejected an offer to go to a bar together to –
well, to check the forum essentially but it sounds a bit pathetic when you say it like that. Call it research.
“What did you figure?” Mats asks, returning his attention to the call.
“I thought you... had a new girl or something, I don’t know. Whatever, I’m up for video games!”
Mats smiles because you can always count on Marco.
During the time it takes for him to arrive, Mats checks the forum website again, like his ban would suddenly be lifted earlier than after 24 hours. Spitefully, the ban window pops up again.
Mats is still sitting on his computer (alternately playing 2048, checking facebook and opening Free Kick by reflex) when the doorbell rings and he has to get up to let Marco in.
Hanging out with him is fun and relaxing and Mats almost regrets having forgotten about it the past week.
“So, what did you do this week if there was no girl?” Marco asks when they’re both sitting on the couch, concentrating on the screen in front of them, killing zombies.
“You’re going to laugh about me if I tell you.”
“Good, I want to laugh about you.” Mats sticks out his tongue.
“Remember when I told you about that discussion board where they got the facts all wrong? Yeah, well... I kinda... signed up for it.”
Marco starts laughing like it’s the best joke he’s ever heard. “Holy shit, did they believe you that you’re Mats Hummels?”
“It’s not like I told them. I’m, like, incognito - By the way, out of ten for looks, you’re a seven for most of them, Benni’s depends a lot on whether he has a beard or not. Kevin - I'm not talking our Kevin, Kevin-Prince - scores lower than Jerome, which I would not be sure about. Talking about Kevin, Großkreutz is a four on a good day. And that's already stretching it, in my opinion. I’m definitely a nine, of course.” Mats says and throws back his curls.
“Oh, apropos Benni," because of course that is what Marco takes from the profound analysis, "he’s planning a party next week, just some friends, it’s for a match or something but I don’t even care what it's for. It’s a party. He called me yesterday and said to tell you.”
Mats kind of hopes that Marco doesn’t see his face light up because that’s just embarrassing. But Benni specifically asking for him is really cute and heart-warming.
One of Marco’s characters shoots Mats’ in the face on the screen and he yells in celebration so they drop the talking and clench the controllers.
--
kick3r: i don’t think dortmund will win the next one tho
reus21: where’s defensefordortmund to promise to drive to your house and punch you in the face when you need him <3
b_blau: he’s banned for his rant over at >players one by one
hope_han_solo: that rant was so fab tho
hope_han_solo: and correct on the psychology
admin_a: Still out of line.
reus21: look who suddenly comes out of the woodwork, what do you want?
admin_a: Well. I’m an admin here. So.
b_blau: are you going to sulk now? we still love you
b_blau: we also miss dfd
admin_a: It’s just 24 hours, for god’s sake. Do you miss arguing with him that much, blau?
--
It’s just some stupid discussion on the Internet with people who weren’t even there but Benni doesn’t like being wrong so he goes to investigate and draws Julian aside before training.
“Did you secretly eat forbidden food in Brazil?”
Julian is visibly confused by the question and eyes Benni like he thinks he’s crazy.
“Benni... you were literally in Brazil with all of us, too. Did Kramer get hit or you?”
Benni waves the question aside. “Did you or didn’t you? Cake? Nutella? Against the diet plan?”
Julian looks scared now and he probably thinks he’s going to be in trouble. “Uhm, yeah, I did... I mean, Manuel started it!”
So while he was eating his assigned food, everyone else was having the fun stuff, Benni thinks.
“What? Why didn’t you share? And I had to hear about it from some smart-ass guy on the Internet?” he says to Julian who slowly backs away to the pitch with a expression on his face that has to mean worry about Benni’s mental health.
--
reply to private message
it’s a compliment if you want it to be.
(b_blau)