Chapter Text
Bucky feels the pain surge through his body – electric jolts piercing through every inch of him. He can feel hands at his throat, a knife at his jugular. His body is shaking with pain, but there’s nothing he can do about it. He has to take it, just like every time before. The asset can’t rebel, can’t protest. He is their property, their machine, their weapon; they can do with him what they please. Bucky’s mind strains to wrap around what’s happening. No. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. I got out. HYDRA is gone.
A whimper slipping passed Bucky’s lips pulls Kate from her light slumber. She watches him under a furrowed brow, watches the minute changes in his face as he sleeps. Kate knows better than to just reach out and shake him awake. Instead she reaches the other way, turning on the little lamp on her nightstand. It doesn’t put off a lot of light, but it’s enough to illuminate the hard lines marring Bucky’s face.
“Bucky,” she whispers. “Bucky.” When he doesn’t wake up, she reaches out a gentle hand and lays it on his chest, rubbing her thumb against his hot skin. “Bucky.”
He jolts awake, jumping up and scrambling around. Kate backs up when she sees the look in his eyes – it’s not Bucky; it’s the Winter Soldier. She does her best to keep her body in a passive stance, even though every instinct in her body tells her to fight, to reach for the bow. Even when Bucky is lunging across the bed, pinning her down, his hips a heavy weight on hers, and wrapping his hands around her throat, she tries to stay calm.
His hands are tight, squeezing the life out of her with each second. His memory is faltering, forgetting who Kate is and where he is. Right now, she’s a threat. Kate knows that Bucky has been having nightmares, but they have never been this bad before.
Stay calm, Kate. Don’t scare him. Don’t pressure him. Let him know you’re not a threat. “Buck,” she barely manages to get out. Slowly she brings her hands up to his, gently wrapping around his wrists. She rubs one of her thumbs against the cold metal of his left arm. “Buck…it’s me…Kate.” Her brain is screaming at her to fight, to defend herself, but when his grip loosens – just enough for her to get a few breaths in – she calms down. “It was only…a dream.”
“Kate?” He growls, still unsure who this woman is.
“Yes. You know me.” Tears start to fill her eyes.
“Kate.” This time her name is a statement. Bucky is in there, pushing away the Winter Soldier.
“You know me. It was just…a dream. You’re…safe…” She tries to get out as much as she can, her mind getting fuzzy.
“Oh…oh god.” He says as he loosens his grip and lets go. “Kate.” Tears fill his eyes and come flooding out. He practically throws himself away from her. He shakes his head, disbelieving that he could lose himself so much he could forget who Kate is. “Oh god. Oh god. Oh, Kate…I…” He looks around in a panic, trying to familiarize himself with his surroundings – purple sheets, the lamps he bought from a thrift store, the godforsaken nightstands from IKEA that he had to ask Tony and Bruce for help to put them together, the picture of him and Kate on the beach. He’s in Kate’s room, the place he sleeps more often than not. When he looks over at Kate, she’s still gasping for air, still has tears in her eyes.
Eventually Kate tries to move towards him, but every time she does, he moves away. He’s off the bed, stepping back and then hitting the wall. She stops at the edge of the bed, sitting down on his side. She opens her mouth a few times, intending to speak but remaining quiet. Her bottom lip quivers and she looks away, determined not to cry. This is Bucky. You love him. You can handle this.
He steps back towards her, stopping when he’s about a foot away, but doesn’t reach out or try to touch her. Sinking down to his knees, he looks up at her; he begs for forgiveness. “I…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kate. I didn’t…I thought…”
“I know,” she says softly, her voice cracking. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” She slides off the bed, kneeling on the floor in front of him. She whispers, “Are you okay?” One of her hands slowly comes up to rest on his chest, right over his heart.
He shakes his head, leaning forward and laying his head on her shoulder, and finally breaks. His tears dampen her shirt and the sobbing makes his entire body shake. She sits back, extending her legs in front of her, and pulls him closer, holding him against her chest. As they sit there, Kate does her best to keep it together – clenches her jaw, slams her eyes shut. She refuses to break down. Before long, Kate is hunched over, her head resting atop Bucky’s, and both of them are asleep.
The sun starts peeking through the blinds around six in the morning, shining right into Kate’s eyes. When her eyes flutter open, Bucky is still leaning against her chest, still asleep. She smiles, small and sad, and presses a kiss to the top of his head. His body twitches at the contact and his eyes are popping open. Bucky looks up at her and frowns when he sees the bruises starting to darken on her pale skin. Tears fill his eyes again and he reaches out to her, his hands hovering over the bruises.
“I did this.”
Kate nods.
“I’m so sorry, Kate.” He reclaims his hand to wipe away his tears. “I should probably go back to sleeping in my own room. I…I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I want you here, okay? This is just another hurdle we have to jump. I knew what I was getting into. I can handle this and we’ll get through it. I promise.”