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- on the subject of liminal spaces -
The girl with Kairi’s face and eyes, who looked so much like her, but paler, like she hadn’t seen the sun much, and with that blonde hair… besides that they could be twins - Kairi didn't know why, but she knew she could trust her, and taking her hand felt right. It felt like her heart rejoiced, like, for a brief moment, she was more connected to her precious ones than ever before.
Sora… Riku, I’m on my way.
~
They were running, hand in hand, and there was no time for questions, but then it was almost like the other girl flickered, or faded… like she blurred for a moment.
She slowed, and Kairi was about to ask her what was wrong, but then Saïx appeared.
“Naminé... there you are,” he said in his same perpetually unsurprised voice.
“Naminé?” That was what the boy - Roxas, that was his name, that was what Roxas had called Kairi, and then she’d heard Sora’s voice, for the first time in months. Well, she could understand how he’d mistaken her for Naminé now. But Kairi barely got a chance to think about that-
“Kairi. I’m afraid leaving is not an option.” He held his hand out to her and she instinctively backed up. “I’ll take you to see Sora.”
She so badly wanted to see Sora, but she could sense Naminé’s distrust, an echo of her own. Saïx was nothing but a liar.
“You don’t want that?”
“I do, more than anything,” she said, because she did, she wasn’t going to try to deny it, but... she also wasn’t going to let herself be used as bait. “But not with you around.”
She was ready to fight if she had to, and Naminé had shifted into the perfect mirror of her own stance.
“If I had a heart, this would be where I die of laughter.”
~
Riku was here, he was actually really truly here! Kairi could see straight through the form he was wearing (or maybe it would be more accurate to say the form he was trapped in.) Even though it didn’t matter at all to her what he looked like, she could tell it mattered to him. It was like an open, festering wound in his heart, slowly wearing at him, and Kairi didn’t know how to fix it. It was more than that he didn’t want her to see him like this, that he didn’t want Sora to see him like this, he couldn’t stand looking this way. He’d kept the hood off once she’d revealed his face, but he avoided looking at his own reflection, except for in her eyes. It seemed to help, a little, that the reflection of him in her eyes was of Riku, and not of that monster that called itself Ansem.
Kairi saw him as Riku, she heard him as Riku, even though she knew that wasn’t what others heard and saw. That wasn’t even what Riku himself heard and saw until she did. She had a horrible feeling he’d avoided speaking as much as possible until now.
“I hear you, I see you, Riku,” she’d assured him, and he’d let her hold his hand reluctantly. He was so closed off now, but he couldn’t completely hide the glimmer of hope that had briefly lit up his face.
I’m so glad he stayed for you, Kairi, Naminé had whispered in her mind, and Kairi could almost hear the unspoken (un-thought?) ‘he wouldn’t stay for me.’ For someone who supposedly had no heart of their own, (that was what Naminé had said right? That she was a Nobody? So that meant she didn’t have a heart?) Naminé seemed oddly sad. Kairi wanted to wrap her up in a hug and surround her with warmth and light and love until some of that sadness could be eased away. She wished she could do that to Riku, too, but he was so stiff, so uncomfortable in this form that she didn’t dare try it yet; she’d have to make do with what touches he was allowing. Holding his hand for right now seemed okay.
“I’ll be here until you need me,” Naminé said out loud, tapping a finger over Kairi’s heart. She smiled, almost wistfully, and started to shimmer around the edges.
“Naminé, wait-!”
Kairi was left grasping at empty air.
“It’ll be okay,” Riku said gently, “she’s not gone. Has anyone explained to you what Nobodies are yet?”
~
She was having that dream again. The same one she’d been having for months on and off now… Except… This time it was different. This time she was chasing after Naminé, who was always just ahead of her, flitting up and down the illuminated stairs leading her to new platforms, new stained glass floors, ones Kairi had never seen in any of her other dreams before.
But Kairi was determined to catch her. She’d catch Naminé and she’d make her stay, and surely there had to be some way to fix this. Not that Kairi would mind always sharing her heart and body with Naminé, it felt so right to be with her, but that didn’t seem fair to Naminé.
Kairi kept running, and finally the other girl reached the center of yet another new floor and paused. She turned, framed perfectly in a beam of light, her golden hair all lit up and her white dress nearly glowing. Naminé smiled and Kairi felt herself fall just a little bit in love, even though that seemed awfully narcissistic given what she knew now about who Naminé actually was.
“You said you were done waiting, right, Kairi?” Naminé asked, and she looked so lovely Kairi’s breath caught in her throat.
Kairi wanted to reach out to her, but something told her to wait. “Yes,” she said, a little breathless from more than just the running. “Yes, I want to help from now on, I don’t want to be left behind again.”
“Perfect,” Naminé said with an even more brilliant smile. She leaned forward, like she was going to kiss Kairi, but just as their lips touched she burst into light.
Kairi woke up with her lips tingling. Riku shot her a questioning look, but then, as if he’d answered his own question before he could ask it, he smiled knowingly.
“Did you have a nice nap?” he asked, smirking a little. “It’s good to know some things never change. I can still trust you to fall asleep whenever there’s important work to be done.”
“Well at least I’m not as lazy as Sora,” she replied with a grin, “and I had a long day, I deserved a nap.”
“That’s true, there’s no competition there.”
~
When Riku handed Kairi her Keyblade (her own Keyblade!!! It was beautiful and perfect and she loved it already) she could suddenly feel Naminé’s kiss on her lips. Later, she thought to herself. I’ll make the two of them explain this to me later, once we’re done rescuing Sora.
It somehow slipped her mind, between fighting for the first time, as herself with her own Keyblade, (it was even better than what she remembered from being inside Sora’s heart,) and finally seeing Sora again, finally holding him in her arms, even if it was just for a moment, and then having to stop Riku from running off, and having to stop Sora from saying things that would definitely make Riku run off, making them hold hands and getting Sora to see that it was Riku… she just ended up too distracted.
And then the distractions never stopped coming, there was always another fight, another little moment that either made her heart sing or ache terribly for her boys, and then in any spare time all she could focus on was catching her breath and making sure everyone was okay.
~
It was such a relief when Riku was restored to himself. Not for Kairi directly, because she had continued to see Riku as Riku the entire time, but Riku’s relief was so strong it was like a physical presence, impossible to ignore. Or at least it was for her; she couldn’t tell how much Sora was picking up on, even though she didn’t know how anyone could not see it. But she honestly wasn’t sure if Sora realized how deeply affected Riku had been in the first place.
Kairi knew she had an advantage, what with being able to pick up on the feelings in other people’s hearts, but it still seemed pretty obvious to her that Riku was far from okay. Sora wasn’t really okay either, but he was better, especially now that the three of them were finally all together. There was a little more Darkness in his heart than the last time Kairi had seen him, right before their world had been restored, but only a little. He was going to be fine, they just needed to get through this first.
The more she paid attention the more she noticed: how Sora seemed to absently reach for Riku, but would catch himself just in time - how he’d hesitate, but then draw back, and instead would put on a sunny smile and practically bounce along and launch into a story about one thing or another, as if he needed to distract himself - how Riku absolutely was aware every time Sora almost touched him, Kairi didn’t even know how she could tell that, Riku didn’t visibly flinch or tense or seem to react, but she knew he noticed it.
She could feel the threads of things unsettled between the two of them, or maybe that was what Naminé could feel. Maybe it was Naminé’s abilities that let her “see” the way Riku’s heart had been hollowed out, all the damage that had been done to it in the process. There was a lot of hurt filling it up, but also love, he still loved them just as fiercely as before, and at least now the only Darkness left belonged just to Riku. In fact, it must have been because of Naminé that Kairi could sense the way Sora’s memories had been taken apart and realigned piece by careful piece, that there was still some fragileness in his heart because of it. But Sora was strong, and his heart was healing more and more every day.
It had to be because of Naminé, that was the only thing that made sense. Kairi had always been able to get a good sense of Riku and Sora’s feelings, but these abilities were different and a lot stronger than what she was used to. And after all, Naminé was the one who had taken Sora’s memories apart and put them back together again. I don’t blame you though, Kairi thought, hopefully in a way that Naminé could hear. Riku explained it to me, I know it wasn’t your fault.
Naminé didn’t reply, though Kairi wasn’t exactly expecting that she would.
It was Kairi’s knowledge of her boys though, Kairi’s memories of them, Kairi’s own heart and its ties to theirs, that made her instantly aware of how Riku was wary to let Sora too close, because he hadn’t at all forgiven himself yet, and that Sora very desperately wanted things to go back to how they used to be. He was glad that Riku had answers and knew what was going on, that Riku could give him direction. It was a relief for Sora to have Riku back in that familiar role, of knowing more than Sora did, and taking charge of the situation.
Kairi didn’t want to ruin the illusion for him, but she was afraid Riku would shatter it first if she didn’t. She was going to have to try to catch Sora alone at some point, some point soon, and talk to him about Riku.
Because that was the other main thing she could see right away, that Riku was waiting to get left behind. That he might intentionally try to get left behind. Maybe not in some physical way, like not actually going back home with them when this all was over with, but more that he didn’t deem himself worthy of their love anymore… not that the three of them had ever really gotten anywhere with that.
One good moment that had gotten ruined, and then it was like Riku had decided there was no way for things to work out, or at least no way for them to work out while they were still on their island. Kairi sometimes didn’t think she wanted to actually know what had been going through his mind back then.
She definitely wanted things to work out now. She wasn’t entirely certain what Sora wanted though, and Riku was going to need… convincing.
He doesn’t trust himself anymore, Naminé murmured in Kairi’s mind. He doesn’t trust his heart.
What do you mean? Kairi asked, letting the others get ahead of her. She didn’t think she’d be able to hide her frown if anyone happened to glance at her face.
I… I’m not sure if I should tell you this, actually, Naminé said, uncertain.
If it’s something Riku told you in confidence, or that you know he wouldn’t want you to tell me, then that’s okay, Naminé. Don’t break any promises just because I’m curious.
It’s not… it’s not really a secret, or something that he told me, Naminé explained, but my powers are based on hearts and the memories carried within them. Especially Sora’s heart, and by extension, the hearts connected to his.
Right. Kairi nodded, forgetting for a moment that this conversation was only happening in her head. She looked around furtively, glad no one seemed to have noticed her nodding to herself for no apparent reason.
Everything in Castle Oblivion was based on memories, real ones and false ones that I helped create. I used Sora and Riku’s real memories to make the fake ones, so there are things I noticed, even if I wasn’t trying to, Naminé hesitated again, so that’s part of it. I can ‘remember’ what Riku was like before, even though I didn’t exist and they're not my memories, and compare that to what he’s like now.
Kairi had a feeling that wasn’t all of it, but it seemed like Naminé felt guilty about something. That was enough information for now, Kairi could read between the lines and figure out the rest.
He said he can't trust what he wants, what his heart wants, that he's not like Sora, he can't just follow his heart. Naminé's mental voice was very quiet, as if she was afraid of being overheard. I told him that wasn't true, but he said listening to your heart only works out when what you want isn't selfish, and that he's always been a very selfish person.
Kairi sighed out loud. Of course he thinks that, I should've realized that's part of the problem.
“Kai?” Sora looked puzzled. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“Whoops, sorry,” she said hurriedly, dashing to catch up to her boys. “I guess I was just thinking too hard.”
“It looked like quite the challenge,” Riku said dryly.
“Just challenging subject matter,” she replied, as she stepped between them and linked her arms with theirs. “Nothing I can't handle.”
To his credit Riku didn't actually stiffen, but he did tense a little. Sora, on the other hand, instantly blushed. (It was adorable.)
“Shall we?” She looked at them expectantly. “Don't we have some worlds to save again?”
Riku rolled his eyes, and Sora laughed. “Yeah, but we gotta get to Xemnas first.”
“And who knows,” Riku said slyly, “maybe you can talk him out of his plans with an impassioned, inspirational speech, Sora, and no one will have to fight anybody at all.”
Sora scowled. “Hey! What's that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, sorry, no one will have to fight any No- bodies, I mean.”
“Ha, ha, very funny. Also not what I meant.” Sora pulled away to cross his arms and pout at Riku. Though, Kairi supposed he probably didn't realize he was pouting. In fact, it was a totally stern and serious face, and not the least bit cute. Not even a teensy tiny little bit.
“Weeeelllllll?” He tapped one foot impatiently exactly like Donald always did, and that was when Kairi lost it.
She couldn't help it, she burst into giggles at the same time that Riku started laughing as well. But she wasn't so caught up in her laughter that she didn't notice the victorious looking smile that Sora quickly hid behind a deeper frown.
Riku didn't pull his arm back once they started walking again, but as soon as Sora was distracted, he did lean over to whisper in her ear. “So, did you have an interesting talk with Naminé just now?”
Kairi was too startled to reply, and before she could collect herself Sora was somehow way ahead and calling for them to catch up.
“Shiiiiit,” Riku cursed under his breath when they reached Sora, “that is a fuck ton of Heartless.”
“You guys ready?” Sora asked, all confidence and excitement.
“Of course we are,” Riku said with a smirk.
“Yeah,” Kairi added, “we always have to be prepared to pick up the slack for you, Sora.”
“Awwwww, not you too, Kairi!” Sora clutched his chest dramatically.
“I'm just kidding,” Kairi said a little deviously, “I'm almost as lazy as you, Sora, so I was gunna let Riku do all the work.”
“Typical,” Riku said shaking his head, “I don't know what I'm going to do with you two.”
“Fight Heartless with us!” Sora said before sprinting towards the mass of shadows.
“I can think of a few things more interesting than fighting Heartless,” Kairi murmured once Sora was out of earshot. Judging from Riku's face she’d hit the mark and sounded suggestive and not just stupid. (She was a little out of practice at flirting.) She winked and, feeling especially daring, blew a kiss over her shoulder at him before running to catch up to Sora.
Naminé giggled in her mind.
~
Every time Kairi tried to talk to Riku about The Sora Situation, it somehow backfired. She hadn't had very many chances up until now. But Xemnas had disappeared after another dramatic speech, so they had a chance to rest and recover and prepare before they took him on again.
Sora had friends on other worlds he wanted to visit while he still had the chance, which was fine with Kairi, (well, mostly fine, even though she'd really rather have him nearby) because it gave her a chance to talk to Riku alone.
Except somehow, instead of it going the way she planned out in her head, Riku always managed to sidetrack her with something else, or conveniently had some reason to “temporarily” postpone their conversation for the time being.
Sometimes it seemed like she was making progress and then suddenly Riku would be talking about her and Sora. Which was not the point, Kairi was very aware and confident of her own feelings. She wasn’t the one in denial, she just knew things between her and Sora could wait 'til they got back home. Riku was the one who needed to understand and accept that he was loved and wanted by both of them.
Kairi hadn’t liked when Riku somehow changed the subject to apologizing for why it had taken so long to wake Sora up. And she really hadn't liked Riku's explanation that Sora's most precious memories had gotten a little lost, that they’d been all Sora’s memories of her, and without them Naminé couldn’t wake him up. Riku might have thought he was being helpful by telling her that, but she could feel the slight bitterness in his words - the little flare of jealousy he was trying so hard to smother.
I’ve always loved you both, I’ve always wanted you both, she wanted to say to him , why are you trying so hard to push me and Sora together? Why are you so determined to step out of the way? But she knew the answer.
She knew now that shortly after leaving Castle Oblivion, Riku had perfected the ability to make and use portals of darkness to travel between worlds. She knew that since then Riku could have gotten to her on Destiny Islands almost that entire time, he could have come back home at any time, but that he’d stayed away.
She'd been upset and hurt at first, but only briefly. She knew he felt like he didn’t deserve to come home, didn’t deserve to see her, and had made it his duty to guard Sora until he woke up instead. She understood that he wouldn't ever have been able to leave Sora so vulnerable and unprotected. But she wasn’t sure if Riku would have stayed with Sora after he woke up even if his appearance hadn’t been changed. Maybe, if the Organization hadn't been so active, he might have led Sora home, but Kairi didn't think he would've stayed there with them, either.
There were going to be a lot of things to talk about when they got home, and Kairi was determined that this time all three of them would go together.