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Jimin's suggestion only came when they were a few glasses of wine and two courses into the evening. It would be fun. They hadn't heard of one another in so long, who knew if any of them had any new secrets none of the others knew.
When Jimin spoke those words and his gaze flickered to Taehyung for a split second, he felt sick to his stomach. There was no way Jimin said it just like that. There was no way he just wanted to catch up on what they had missed out on throughout the chaos of the past few months and Taehyung despised him for it. He despised him for playing so dirty. He despised him, he despised him. He ground his teeth once again - he wasn't even sure if he had once loosened his jaw - and choked out a light chuckle.
"I don't know if I've had enough food for a drinking game", he tried to find an excuse while biting his bottom lip in between his forced snickering.
Then eat while we're at it, Seokjin shoved the basket with the bread into his direction with those words. He seemed so excited and happy about being all together again that he wouldn't let anyone ruin this. He wouldn't let anyone not participate because that would mean someone was excluded and exclusion was the last thing their friend wanted.
Taehyung knew that he was helpless. That he had no way of getting out of this now. So he smiled at Seokjin and grabbed a piece of bread, gnawing at it nervously as Namjoon and Hoseok expertly prepared the shots. It was holidays anyway and none of them had to work or go to any lectures tomorrow, they babbled and Jimin hummed in agreement. So did Taehyung although he wanted to yell. He wanted to grab Jimin by his collar and shove him off his chair and then yell at him that he hated him for doing this to him and then leave. Just leave. Never return to this circle full of people he had lied to and who couldn't ever know about the lies he had told them. It would be the end of him. He wouldn't ever be able to return, he would be left with nothing.
He thought about asking Jimin for a private talk. He thought about threatening him but he didn't know how. He had no idea what was important to Jimin by now and he had no idea how he could possibly blackmail him into keeping his mouth shut. Even if he did have one, there was no guarantee that Jimin would actually care. He probably wouldn't. He probably would laugh at Taehyung. Jimin didn't seem to have anything more to lose. What more was there to lose when he didn't have the man he loved and the man who used to be his best friend anymore? Taehyung had taken all that after all.
Taehyung was trapped within the walls of his friends' apartment and there was no way he could get through this without losing just as much. However, he didn't try to keep them from playing that game again. That one failed attempt had been the only one. If he did try again, Jimin might pan the spotlight to Taehyung by asking why he insisted, if he had a secret he was scared to share. If he just played that stupid, dirty game of Jimin's then maybe... Maybe there was no reason to be suspicious of him.
Oh, how foolish Taehyung was. How stupid and how deeply in denial to actually think Jimin was that good to him.
Namjoon was the first one to voice a Never Have I Ever question. It was harmless. If they had ever used handcuffs in bed. Seokjin nudged his side with his elbow while downing his first shot and huffed.
Taehyung tried his best to laugh softly while eyeing his boyfriend. Obviously, they had. They both drank. So did Yoongi and Hoseok. Only Jimin survived this round. So he asked next.
Before he even parted his lips, Taehyung felt his heart drop. He could feel it down in his stomach, pulsing and pumping, making his entire body invisibly tense up and cramp. Not even the light intoxication of the alcohol helped although he had already started to feel a little warm, a little more like floating and less like a rock, bound to stay buried within the ground and unable to move.
But his fear had been without reason. Jimin asked another just as harmless question. A few drank, Hoseok didn't and so it went on. In his slowly but surely hazy state of mind, Taehyung began to think that maybe, just maybe, Jimin didn't care about revealing his affair.
It was a stupid thought that left his body just like the guttural choke Taehyung pressed out when Jimin spoke up next. Suddenly and soberingly.
"Never have I ever cheated on my partner."
Taehyung's body froze. His blood went cold, the temperature of the room seemed to drop down within an instant. He didn't hear a thing. Or at least so Taehyung thought. He didn't hear anyone's breath, anyone's heartbeat, anyone's giggling or babbling. There was silence, at least for a split second that it took everyone to process the next question in their quite tipsy states. But to Taehyung, it seemed like an eternity. His hand holding the full shot was shaking. He was sure no one else could see it and that he was just exaggerating. He must have misheard. He must be going crazy and hearing things. That had to be it.
"Come on, Jiminie", Namjoon laughed as he spoke informally and proudly placed the full shot on the table, "You know us all too well!"
Something about how they were all basically married anyway and that he would totally marry his Seokjin right away followed but Taehyung didn't listen and neither did Jimin.
Taehyung's eyes were glued to him. To his distinctive, boney features. He stared at him, watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and watched his gaze wander from Namjoon directly to Taehyung. There was a strange glistening within his eyes but maybe Taehyung was just really tipsy. When he was being honest, he hardly saw it coming when Jimin opened his mouth again.
At one moment, the others agreed to move on and the other, Jimin raised an eyebrow: "But Taehyung still needs to drink."
Taehyung wasn't able to point what kind of tone he was using. He wasn't able to recognize his voice nor his choice of words. He wasn't able to recognize Jimin or anything for that matter. He felt blinded. Utterly and irreversibly blinded. Maybe he had blacked out. His heart that had been convulsing his body earlier now seemed to have stopped. It had just retired, disappeared, just like everything that had been important to Taehyung. Within those few seconds that it took Jimin to speak those words, things had taken a turn that Taehyung had been trying to avoid so desperately for so long.
But now those words were spoken and the only thing he was able to feel was those gazes upon him. Nagging gazes, all over him. Eating him up, swallowing him whole and alive.
"What?"
Taehyung didn't remember who said it. Maybe he did it himself. Maybe it was Jeongguk. He didn't remember. His mind was just blank. He didn't know what he was looking at, maybe nothing. Maybe he was floating.
"What do you mean, hyung?", there was Jeongguk's voice and Taehyung hunched.
No one spoke so he could distinguish the sound of Jimin raising both his brows, widening his eyes: "Oh, so you didn't know?"
It sounded so truthfully shocked. As if he had sincerely expected Jeongguk to know about Taehyung's infidelity.
"Maybe Tae had a reason not to tell him about past relationships", Hoseok attempted to heat the cold within the room with his just as attempted cheerful voice.
While he was continuing with something about how they should just move on, Jeongguk spoke.
This time, Taehyung was sure that it was Jeongguk. He recognized his voice in an instant which was strange because he didn't seem to be able to take in anything else. There was only Jeongguk now. Only the love of his life. His very very first. His first kiss, his first time, his first boyfriend. Taehyung felt his eyes sting with tears and because he was no longer in control of his body, they rolled down his reddened cheeks.
"I am Taehyung's first."
And Hoseok silenced. Everyone did. Once again. Once again, Jimin had made them all quiet down.
"Is that true, Taehyung?", was the only thing breaking through the silence of pressed lips and widened eyes.
Taehyung didn't dare to look at Jeongguk. He knew he wouldn't be able to bear what would lie within his eyes. He had never been able to bear seeing his boyfriend sad or disappointed or even just a tad annoyed. He despised seeing him in pain. But he realized that he caused the pain that was to see if he just lifted his gaze a bit. He couldn't. He repeated those words like a mantra inside his mind. That he couldn't. He didn't know what exactly. All of this, probably.
If he had been a little soberer, just a bit, then maybe he would have been able to look at Jeongguk in shock, to huff at Jimin's outrageous assumption and reassure everyone that he would never. But he felt so helpless and gone that he couldn't even move his head. Neither to nod nor to shake it. His body felt numb, unable to react.
Jeongguk's apparently didn't. Because there was a scoff that sounded more hurt than angry and the sound of a chair being pushed back. There was mumbling and Taehyung didn't remember any of it.
He only remembered that Jeongguk left and so did he. He couldn't recall when or if he yelled at Jimin before he did or tried to lock gazes with Yoong. It was as if he had kept his head lowered and his eyes closed all along, his ears stuffed with cotton. As if he had been unconscious all along. Later on, however, he would distinguish one sensation. A hollow, numb emptiness within that made his body ache with how everything had fallen apart.
Irreversibly and undeniably his fault.