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It was nearing Christmas time, and Remus was curled up comfortably in an armchair in the corner of the common room, wrapped in a fluffy blanket and lazily re-reading his favorite book.
Well.
Remus was curled up comfortably in an armchair in the corner of the common room, glaring venomously at Sirius’ latest fling, who was curled up under his arm and simpering disgustingly at him, using his often re-read and well-loved book as a cover so that he could glare without anyone asking him what exactly he was doing.
Sirius laughed at something the girl said and she batted her eyelashes, pressing closer to his side. Remus had to drop his eyes back to the words of the book so that no one saw his eyes flash golden. This was fine. It’s not like he had any right to be upset anyway. Sirius didn’t belong to him, didn’t belong to anyone, and he deserved happiness wherever he could get it. Remus couldn’t tell him who to date and who not to date.
...Even though he very dearly wanted to.
Remus wasn’t even sure if he was a poof in general or just a poof for Sirius. He’d tried fantasizing about other, safer boys, ones who were questioningly rumored to be interested in their own sex, ones who weren’t literally the textbook definition of a playboy. He’d even tried fantasizing about James, once, just in case it was a ‘close friend’ thing, but no luck.
Remus glared hard at the (average at best ) girl’s hand as it drifted up Sirius’ chest to rest over his heart. He had to hold back the deep, rumbling growl that wanted to tear out of his chest.
“You have boy troubles too, huh?”
Remus was snapped out of his murderous trance at Lily’s words, and quailed a bit at the knowledge that another person had become close enough to him to be thought of by his wolf as pack enough to ignore that person as a threat completely, until her words sunk in.
“W-what?”
“Boy troubles. Sirius. You know, the boy you’re scowling at who’s flirting with Amanda Walkers?” Lily’s voice was light and her eyes were sympathetic, and even while filing the name away in his head for possible later retribution, Remus felt deep and immediate panic.
“I d-don’t know what you’re talking about,” Remus claimed, his voice trembling, “I don’t like Sirius, he’s a male.” Boys don’t like males. Boys aren’t allowed to like males. Remus felt anxiety prick his skin, felt panic start to wash over him.
Lily rolled her eyes playfully. “Come on , Remus, I know you better than that. You’re giving Amanda the same look James gives any boy who talks to me for more than a millisecond.”
“I have to go,” Remus said and stood up abruptly. He snapped his book shut and fled the common room. He ignored Lily calling out to him (and also the metaphor that sprang into his head about dogs with tails between their legs- definitely Sirius’ influence) and just barely managed not to run until the portrait closed behind him and he’d rounded a corner.
Remus slipped into the library as quietly as he could. He snuck to the back corner and tucked himself into the small square space between the corner of the wall and the end table there, trying not to listen to his mother’s damning voice echoing around in his head.
……………
Remus noticed Lily approaching this time, hyper-aware of every footstep in the room as he was. He had all of the walking patterns of the Gryffindors and Slytherins of his year ingrained into his memory from the many years spent in quiet classrooms together.
“Remus?” Lily hesitantly called, “May I join you?”
Remus wanted to turn her away but he couldn’t, she was pack, and Moony was riding closer to the surface in his panic.
“Sure,” he acquiesced, and tried his hardest not to flinch when she sat down on the floor next to him.
“I’m sorry for bringing your sexuality up in a public space, that was thoughtless of me,” Lily started quietly, “But I really didn’t think you would react like that- The wizarding world is a lot more accepting of those kinds of things than the muggle one.”
“My mother was muggle-born, and she was raised Christian,” Remus mumbled, “I- didn’t have the best coming-out experience at home, given I’m also...”
“I’m sorry,” Lily said, “I didn’t know.”
They sat in silence for a while, and Remus slowly relaxed, luxuriating in the fact that she knew , and also wasn’t screaming, or yelling, or talking down on him.
“I’m sorry for running,” Remus mumbled, “I don’t think of you as a prejudiced person, it’s just-”
“It’s fine,” Lily said, smiling at him, “I caught you off guard and you’ve had a bad experience before. I shouldn’t have brought it up the way I had, but-” She flushed, and Remus had a terrible rush of nausea.
“You’re not- James- Are you? Bent?” Remus managed to stutter.
Lily laughed, “No, no! I’m perfectly straight, I think. Personally, James is very handsome, but he’s too much of a prick for me to feel comfortable pursuing anything with him. He’s just mildly annoying.” Lily flushed deeper. “No, I’d just never personally encountered someone ‘bent’ before, so I was probably a little too over-enthusiastic about it. Sorry.”
“Well that’s fine then,” The rush of relief Remus experienced left him dizzy, and it washed over his anxiety and buried it like water does the sand at high tide.
“Are you?” When he gave Lily an inquiring look, she smiled wryly. “Bent.”
Remus smiled back. “I don’t know.” If he was, his bent-ness had only manifested towards one specific, problematic person.
Lily absorbed this quietly for a moment.
“Do you like Sirius?”
“Yes. But I think it might just be him?” When Lily gave him an encouraging nod, he continued, “I haven’t felt like that for anyone else.”
“Ever?”
“No.” Remus’s smile turned dry, “That’d probably make all of this easier.”
“Me neither,” When Remus looked at her questioningly, she elaborated, “James is the only boy I’ve ever had romantic feelings for, but I don’t feel comfortable with it. I wouldn’t be able to stand dating him if he keeps on like he is, especially with how he treats Severus.” She let out a noise of frustration. “It’s so aggravating. Every time I think he’s made some progress, he turns around and mucks up some more.”
“I know,” Remus said. He’d often thought that if James really wanted to date Lily as much as he claimed, he’d straighten up and start acting more mature.
“If anyone bothers you if they find out, I’ll hex them for you,” Lily declares suddenly, “No one deserves to be bullied for loving someone.”
“Thank you,” Remus felt his eyes sting. Maybe he’d found a friend in this, as painful as it’d been...
……………
Sirius glanced over at the corner for the umpteenth, momentarily ignoring the pretty bird practically on his lap. Remus was talking with Lily again . This was the third time this week and it was only Tuesday.
Sirius didn’t know what they could possibly be talking about, seeing that Lily and Remus weren’t all that close. But then Lily said something with her eyes sparkling and Remus laughed, and it wasn’t a small chuckle either. His head was thrown back and his face was filled with joy in a way Sirius hadn’t seen since their third year when he’d suggested to James that they become animagus. His cheeks were flushed and he looked-
“Siriuuus,” Amanda whined, “Won’t you pay attention to me?”
Sirius started and complimented her, smiling back at her when she batted her eyes for him.
If he was only half-focused on her, no one would know but him.
…………...
Later that night at dinner, Lily’s eyes caught the way that Sirius always kept part of his body turned towards Remus, how his eyes flickered away from the girl at his side whenever Remus shifted on his seat, and she watched, amused, as all of it seemed to pass right over everyone’s head.
Sirius’s eyes darkened when she called out to Remus and he smiled at her in response.
Lily was scheming.
……………
Remus walked into their dorm room smiling and humming lightly. Sirius felt a cold blanket of fury settle over him.
“Had a good time with Evans, then?”
Remus set his bag by his bed and started rifling around his trunk for his pajamas. “Yes. We had the most interesting conversation about the theory behind the spell we learned yesterday in Charms.”
“And what kind of ‘conversation’ has you smiling like that, hm?”
Remus stopped and looked over at Sirius, bewildered.
“What?” the genuine confusion in his voice only enraged Sirius more.
“Having ‘conversations’ about how to ‘handle your wand’ in Charms?”
“Sirius,” James warned, frowning.
“I was just talking to a friend. Why are you being like this?” Remus was facing him now, and Sirius scoffed at the hurt expression on his face.
“What, she’s your ‘friend’ now? Like I am? Should James and I expect ‘conversations’ too? Are you having alcove liaisons with everyone who you call your ‘friend’ or are you only betraying us?”
“Sirius!” James snapped, “That’s enough. Remus-”
“I don’t think I even want to see your face,” Sirius snarled, “If I’d known you were this much of a bastard-”
“It’s okay,” Remus said, and Sirius started at his wobbly voice, “I can tell when I’m not wanted.”
Sirius’s rage caused him to huff and flop over on his bed, but a rising feeling of dread suffused his body as Remus gathered up his things and left. James smacked Sirius’ leg on his way out after Remus, and Sirius ignored him.
When Peter came in a few minutes later asking where everyone else was, Sirius ignored him, too.
……………
When Remus didn’t come back that night, Sirius hadn’t worried. When Remus hadn’t shown up at breakfast, Sirius had huffed and rolled his eyes. But now they were standing in front of the Transfiguration classroom, one minute to the start of class, and Remus wasn’t there.
“Siriuuus, come sit with me,” Amanda simpered.
“Not right now, Amy,” Sirius said, “I’m waiting for someone.”
“Someone more important than me?” Amanda replied, her eyes narrowed.
“Remus,” Sirius answered, peering down the hallway.
“Remus is already inside,” Amanda replied, “He got here first. Will you please -”
But Sirius wasn’t listening to her anymore. He strode inside the classroom and arrowed himself directly to where he saw Remus sitting at the front of the class. He stood in front of Remus’ desk-
He didn’t know what to say.
Remus didn’t look at him, he just hunched further over the transfiguration textbook.
“Mr. Black,” Professor McGonagall said stiffly, “To your seat, please.”
Sirius sat in the far back next to James. He hunched over his own desk and dully stared at the blackboard in front of him. He started when James nudged him at the end of class.
“You’re moping. Have you apologized yet?”
“No,” Sirius grumbled, “He’s been avoiding me.”
James sighed noisily. “I don’t blame him, mate. You were pretty awful to him.”
“I just got so angry ,” Sirius said, “I didn’t really mean what I was saying, but I didn’t know how to stop .”
“Well I’m not the one you have to be explaining to,” James said, “It’s just going to get worse the longer you put it off.”
Sirius groaned and heaved himself out of his seat. He glanced around the classroom, but Remus was already gone.
When Sirius reached the Herbology classroom, He made sure to check inside the greenhouse and the large storage shed where all their supplies were stowed, but Remus wasn't there. Sirius reluctantly skulked inside the classroom right at class time, but Remus still hadn't shown up.
Five minutes into extracting bubotuber pus, and Remus ran in the door of the greenhouse, a harried look on his face.
"Professor, apologies-"
"Not to worry, not to worry," their professor said genially, "Minerva told me you'd be late. Go on and suit up, Mr. Lupin, we're extracting bubotuber pus today."
"Thank you, professor," and then before Sirius could get in a word, Remus was gone. Sirius growled under his breath and then snarled as the pus pod he was clenching burst in his face.
"Mr. Black, hospital wing for you! Did it get in your eyes?"
"I don't think so, sir," Sirius replied, trying to reign in his temper, "but my eyelids are swelling and I can't see ."
"Naturally," the professor replied dryly, "Mr. Potter, could you escort Mr. Black to the hospital wing?"
"Of course, Professor," James replied.
Sirius felt familiar hands tug the dragon hide gloves off of his hands and steer him towards the exit of the greenhouse. He could feel the boils on his face swelling further and further in the way his skin kept tightening. He waited until they were a good ways away from the greenhouse to groan, loudly and explosively.
"Sirius, mate, you've got to work things out with Remus soon," James said, "We're not going to be able to pull any pranks if you're this distracted."
"I'ahm naht thaht dishtrahctyed," Sirius replied. His words were distorted by the now large and distinct boils on his face, and he let out another loud groan.
"Mate," James said, exasperated, "You've told me many times that your mother started teaching you how to make healing potions when you were six, so she didn't have to make them herself. The whole base of that potion is bubotuber pus, and you were the one who collected the most last class besides Snivellus," James paused and Sirius could imagine him shaking his head slowly, "You've got to make up with Remus, you hear me? You're obviously feeling guilty, bloody hell mate, you were encouraging him skipping not three days ago, and suddenly after you yelled at him, you're obsessed over him not being on time!"
"Iaht wahs ahn ahrgumehnt," Sirius denied weakly, "Iah didn' jus yehll."
"I don't know where you were yesterday," James muttered angrily, "But from where I was standing, Moony never refuted a single thing you said and then he left when you asked." The underlying guilt rolled over Sirius like a carriage wheel crushing a beetle. James tugged Sirius forward and he stumbled, but James just kept pulling him forwards.
"Zjahmesh!"
"The sooner we get those boils cleared up the sooner you can apologize," James muttered darkly.
Sirius didn't try to talk the rest of the way there, and James didn't either, besides warning him of steps and doorways. Sirius was too busy trying not to drown in his own misery and James was trying hard to bite his tongue.
……………
It took through lunch and all of his afternoon classes of spells and rest for the Mediwitch to heal all of his boils, but Sirius was fine by dinner. He settled down glumly next to James, and James nudged him in the side.
"Feeling better?"
"I don't deserve to feel better," Sirius said morosely, "But the Madam only let me go when I promised to eat a full dinner, and she's a scary lady when she's crossed, so I can't go traipsing around Hogwarts looking for Remus until after I eat."
"Figuring that out, huh?" James mused, "How often have you felt guilt over something you've done?"
"Twice?" Sirius wondered, "Counting this time. I haven't really felt bad about disappointing my parents since I was small, and the only other time was that first Christmas I didn't go home with Regie. He was devastated." Sirius viciously tore into his chicken to block out the mental image of his little brother's tear-stained letter, and how lifeless and autonomous he'd become afterwards, like his mother's conditioning had started to stick.
"And how bad is the guilt now?" James asked, "Out of curiosity. I haven't really felt guilty because of ruining a friendship before, so I don't know how bad it must be. If it's anything like it looks, though, I'm going to make a mental note to bring you three all my stupid ideas beforehand so you can talk me out of it."
"Mate," Sirius grunted through a mouth full of chicken, "I'm kind of in a hurry here."
James huffed lightly and went back to his food, and Sirius felt a small amount of relief. James wasn't mad at him anymore, not really, (probably because of how pathetic Sirius was being- and that's fair, he's forgiven James too for being pathetically distracted by Evans) and now all he had to do was finish this bloody chicken so he could run up to their dorm and use the map to find Remus.
"By the way," James said, "No need to reply as you are in a rush and all, but Remus did take the map with him, presumably to help him avoid you."
"Fuckin' hell," Sirius muttered into his chicken.
……………
Sirius had only managed to hastily climb one staircase when he heard a door slam open to his right. Before he could turn completely around, he was thrown none-too-gently into the room by an invisible force. He turned to snarl at whoever had decided that Leviosa-ing him into the stone floor had been a good idea, and was momentarily stunned to see none other than Lily Evans standing on the threshold of the room, her red hair lit from behind and her green eyes flashing with rage and a hint of magic.
“Hello, Sirius,” Lily said, her voice deceptively calm, “Let’s talk.”
The door swung shut ominously behind her, closing them into the room together, and Sirius couldn’t help but compare it to the apparent ominous finality of the ending of his happiness since he yelled at (he admitted it, okay? It was bad. He’d done a very bad thing.) Remus.
……………
Lily watched Sirius stumbled out of the room. Once she’d gotten past Sirius’s obstinate mulishness, it was easy and very satisfying to beat him over the head with his own mistakes and failings in the way he treated Remus. It was even easier to explain to him what his feelings were once she’d his jealousy over Remus to James’ jealousy over her . There was a moment when she had to make sure he was going to try and fix his mistakes instead of running away, but it had been child’s play to get that spark of brilliance and determination back in his eyes.
If Sirius didn’t get his head out of his ass after this, Lily would hex him, no matter what Remus said.
…………...
Padfoot sniffed around the corners of hallways, his nose leading him with Remus’ unique scent of oak wood and ink.
He found Remus curled up in a corner near the astronomy tower. Padfoot crept closer, his ears folded and his tail tucked.
Remus sighed, and reached out a tentative hand. Sirius nosed his fingers and butted his head up underneath it, whining piteously.
“Sirius,” Remus sighed with a small smile, gently ruffling Sirius’ ears. Sirius crept forwards, pressing his face into Remus’ chest.
Remus chuckled softly. "You just can't help getting yourself into trouble, huh?"
Sirius whuffed and licked Remus' cheek. Remus sighed again and pushed Sirius' head back so he could look him in the eyes.
"Are we going to talk?" Remus asked mildly.
Sirius sheepishly sat back and slid into his human form. "I'm sorry," he said, and then stopped. Sirius gently grasped Remus' hand which still rested on his face, and brought it to his chest. "I...didn't mean anything I said. I was jealous."
Remus' eyes widened. "J-jealous?" He took a shaky breath and tried to smile. "I don't think James will be happy with that."
"Wh-" Sirius blinked in confusion. "Why- oh. Oh. No. Um. I meant. You." He fidgeted, and picked at an invisible piece of lint on his clothes.
"Me?" Remus asked, bewildered.
"I was jealous because of you. Because I like you." Sirius rushed out.
Sirius watched in fascination as Remus' face bloomed red. It started at his nose and bled across to his ears and down to his neck.
"Me?" He whispered, staring at Sirius with wide eyes, "Are you sure?"
" Yes, " Sirius asserted, "I have for, a while."
"I, don't forgive you, yet," Remus stuttered out, "but, I, um, like you, too." The last few words were whispered, but Sirius was close enough that it didn't matter. Sirius' heart was beating so fast he thought it might fall out of his chest.
"So does that mean-"
"Can I kiss you?" Sirius blurted out. All of his previous escapades did nothing to slow his heart or lower his anxiety- this was worse than his first encounter with a girl. It was personal, it was meaningful, and he thought he might be dying.
"Y-yes," Remus murmured. Sirius swallowed and leant forward slowly. Remus made an irritated sound and twisted his hands into the collar of Sirius' shirt. He gave Sirius one determined, nervous look, and then tugged him forward.
Remus' lips were firm under his, his body hard planes and lean lines instead of soft curves. Sirius felt a part of him relax- he'd been worried that this might feel the same- it emphatically did not. He never forgot that this was Remus- kind, bookish Remus, playful Remus, reserved except with his closest friends Remus. The boy he'd spent years with. The boy he loved.
When Remus pulled away, Sirius leant forward so he could rest his head on Remus' chest, over his heart. He could feel Remus' heart pounding. It soothed him to know that Remus was affected as he was.
"Alright?" Remus asked, resting a hand on the back of Sirius' head.
"Perfect," Sirius replied. God. So perfect.
"No more girls, right?" Remus asked hesitantly.
"No," Sirius affirmed vehemently, "Never so long as I have you."
Remus gave a satisfied hum. "Good."
Sirius couldn't help but agree.
……………
When they (hesitantly on Remus' part) told James they were dating, now, James just rolled his eyes and jovially told them it was about time they'd gotten their heads out of their asses and together. He winked at Remus when he said it.
Lily had laughed and asked Remus to invite her to their wedding. Remus'd scowled at her, blushing furiously (she'd ended up being his maid of honor, and she'd been so smug).
Peter had given them nervous smiles and said he was fine with it. He always unsettled Remus in the way he scrutinized their relationship afterward, and when he was revealed as the traitor, a part of Remus that had always been clamoring for validation from him was put to rest.
Sirius hadn't stayed in Azkaban for long- why wouldn't Sirius tell his lover and his husband that he wasn't the secret-keeper? Remus wasn't able to do much to get the Ministry's positive (or even neutral) attention as a werewolf, but he was able to bring Lily and James' wills to the attention of Madame Bones, and its explicit and definite condemnation of Peter gave Sirius a trial and then a boatload of compensation for being falsely imprisoned without a trial.
Remus stared down at the sleeping toddler in its crib. Once Sirius was freed, he demanded a psyche evaluation and the custody of his godchild. He passed, and Dumbledore had been forced to turn over the location of Harry Potter or be arrested for kidnapping. Sirius had decided to share the responsibility of raising Harry with his husband, as he shared everything else. Remus wouldn't want it any other way, but…
Remus started when he felt arms slide around him, and couldn't help but smile at the familiar scent and weight of his husband.
"What's eating you, Moony?" Sirius asked gently. He'd gotten a lot better at being delicate with his words over the years. Not too much better, but enough.
It was fine; his bluntness was one of the things Remus loved him for.
"Just- do you think I'll make a good parent?" Remus blurted out. He clenched his hands around the rail of the crib.
"I think you'll make a wonderful parent," Sirius replied easily, "You've had me to practice on all these years, y' know. I'm going in blind."
Remus relaxed in fractions as Sirius spoke, and chuckled softly when he finished. "You're not that bad."
"You're just saying that because you love me," Sirius teased, attempting to shuffle closer. Remus didn't know where he thought he was going; there wasn't any space left for him to fill. "You just don't want me to curse around the kid."
"Oh no, you've found me out, whatever am I to do?" Remus exclaimed, grinning. He reached back and slid his hand through Sirius' hair. "Want to know a secret?"
"Yes!"
Remus twisted around so that he was facing his ridiculous husband and leaned in close, pressing their cheeks together.
" I love you, "
Sirius' face went red and he tackled Remus to the ground, one hand behind Remus' head to stop it from cracking on the stone. He pressed his mouth to Remus' furiously, and Remus grinned. Sirius pulled away and stared at Remus, his face flushed and pouting.
"Re mus ," Sirius whined, " I was trying to seduce you ! You ruined it!"
"Mh, consider me thoroughly seduced," Remus replied. He cupped Sirius' face and watched in satisfaction as it reddened further. "My lovely husband came to me because he loves me and wants to know if I'm okay. It's the ultimate seduction."
Sirius let out a frustrated growl and attacked Remus with kisses once more. Remus' arms tightened around him, and Harry cooed happily in his crib.
There would be further bumps in the road, Remus knew that. But he had everything he needed to be happy here in this room with him.
Life was good.