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Claude paced through his bedroom, fully aware he wasn't getting any sleep that night. His usual collected self was on the verge of crumbling.
Seeing his old classmates on the battlefield wasn't easy, no matter how many times it happened. It only got worse, if anything. But he couldn't show his worries and restlessness in front of the others. They had high expectations of him that he had to fulfil. Now wasn't the time to give in. Or ever, given his responsibilities and his plans for his future. He had to be strong.
And yet, when night came and he found himself alone in his room, with no other company than the flickering light of a candle, his mind got the worst of him.
Thoughts of failure, of possible outcomes for this war, plagued him. But the worst of all was the images of his old classmates, laying on the ground, still and growing cold. And then their faces shifted, became those of his friends, his loved ones.
It terrified him. Every single time they were in the battlefield, his entire body was filled with fear. He put a great effort into his facade, but deep down he was only human.
It was like this every night. As darkness started to fall outside, his own darkness seemed to grow, and it threatened to swallow him whole. And it was at those moments when he let the walls he had built around his heart to crumble, if just for a second, while no one was watching. And every morning, he managed to have them rebuilt as if nothing had happened. He managed to be his usual confident self. He forced himself to smile.
He had a plan in his head, a full scheme planned out, and a part of him really believed he could make it in the end, but doubt still lingered, making him falter and worry when no one was around.
What would everyone think if they knew their charismatic leader, the one they called Master Tactician, had his doubts? The last thing he wanted was to ruin his allies’ motivation, that one he and Byleth had worked so hard on, always pushing their friends forward, making them trust themselves.
Byleth… what would she think? Of all the army, she was the one closest to him, the only one who saw a bit of his true self. And she seemed to understand him better than anyone. So, some nights, when darkness crept on him, he wondered if he should ask her for help. More times than one he had almost built up the courage to go to her room, in the middle of the night, and just tell her everything. She would listen to him, he was sure.
But baring his heart wasn’t an easy task for him. What if she was disappointed? What if he didn’t meet her expectations of him? He cared too much for her to stand her rejection.
No. She wasn’t like that. She would support him no matter what.
A rush of courage run through Claude, and he found himself walking towards Byleth’s room. It wasn’t until he was at her door, prepared to knock, when he hesitated again. He had never made it this far, and a voice inside of him told him to do it. But there was another voice telling him to run.
But he wouldn’t run. Not again.
So he knocked.
He knew immediately that Byleth was awake. He heard her footsteps as soon as he knocked on the door. As he waited for her to open it, his head was a mess. Claude tried to compose himself, rebuild his walls as fast as possible, as regret grew stronger in him.
But then Byleth opened the door and greeted him with a slightly tired face and a little smile as she motioned him to come in, and he wondered why he ever hesitated.
Claude entered the room and closed the door behind him, leaving the night chill outside together with his fears about her. Still, he tried to be his normal self, tried to fake confidence and ease.
“Good night, my friend. I couldn’t sleep for some reason and I thought of paying you a visit in case you wanted some company.” Claude said, wearing his usual smile.
Only, Byleth knew him better than he had originally thought, and saw right though him.
“Claude, is something the matter?” she said, taking a seat on her bed.
Claude felt his smile waver, and let out a defeated sigh as he sat next to her. Hiding behind a mask would be no use with her. So, for once, he tried to be honest.
“Byleth, I’m terrified.” He blurted out. He dared to look at her, and found she had a slightly surprised expression, but still encouraged him to go on.
“This isn’t something I’d share with anyone. But I had to talk to you.” He took a deep breath and forced himself to keep talking. “You know I try to appear confident and carefree, but at the end of the day, I’m just a man. You know I have my future perfectly planned out and I believe it can work, I really do. But then the night comes and I’m alone with my thoughts. I can’t stop imagining it’s one of my friends who’s lying on the battlefield. We’ve struck down some of our old classmates, it may only be a matter of time before one of us falls too.”
Claude looked down at his hands, unable to hold Byleth’s stare. Then she took one of his into hers, squeezing it lightly, trying to comfort him, and he finally met her gaze. There was no trace of disappointment on her expression. Instead, there was something else, something soft that made her eyes light up a little, something he couldn’t name. Or didn’t want to think about. Just a second later, her face turned serious.
“I know, Claude. It worries me too. It’s horrible enough what we’ve done when encountering familiar faces on the battlefield. I can’t forget any of them, and every time I close my eyes I see their faces.” Now it was Byleth’s turn to look away.
When she looked back at Claude again, he could swear he saw a hint of tears on her eyes, and forced himself not to raise his hands to cup her face.
“You wear this mask around others, this façade that took me forever to decipher, to make them believe you are strong and don’t fear anything.” She continued. “But let me tell you something. Even with this fear you have, this worry, you still push forward. It’s not the lack of fear that makes you strong and brave, it’s your ability to keep walking towards your goal in spite of them.”
“I just… I’m scared of what the others would think of me, too.”
"Hey, look at me." She said, releasing his hand and placing hers on his cheeks instead, holding him. "Is that what worries you? Being human in front of the others?" A shy smile appeared on her face, and he couldn't fight the blush that crept into his face.
It was the effect she had on him. No one else could make him feel like this. Reduce him to a blushing and jittery mess with just a few words and a light touch.
When did he start feeling this way about her? It had happened so subtly, and he had so much on his mind all the time...
But his mind always found a way back to her, eventually. Despite his worries, she was always there, a comforting presence.
Claude closed his eyes for a second and leaned into the touch.
“It does worry me when people know me too well. But that’s always been there, and up until now, I’ve been able to keep others at a distance. And then I met you.” Claude took Byleth’s hands in his, and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation that was making him act this way, or maybe he just didn’t want to spend another second away from her. Either way, he willed himself to stop hiding from his feelings.
Byleth blushed then, and that light in her eyes returned, and stayed there.
“You’ve torn down all my walls, you know?” He said, her hands still in his. “I’ve never felt so at ease with anyone, never wanted to share my secrets. But that also scares me. I know you’re tough and your skills are really impressive, and I pity whoever dares to face you in battle, but I still can’t help the fear of losing you. I don’t know if I could take it.”
“Claude…” She sighed and looked at their linked hands, searching for the right words. “Every time I fight, every time I’m on the battlefield… I do it because I want this war to end, yes. But most of all, I want it to end to make sure you’re safe, to finally be able to breathe and not look in your direction at every possible moment to make sure you’re still standing.”
She shifted closer to him, their legs touching.
“I want to be able to look at you at every possible moment, but for entirely different reasons.”
At that, Claude’s breath caught in his throat. When he had left his room moments earlier, he hadn’t expected this conversation to go this way. Not that he was complaining. A warm feeling spread through him, making him smile. A true, genuine smile.
“Byleth, I’m done dancing around. You’re the person I care most about. And there’s nothing I want more than to spend time with you, far from this war or any other conflict.” He said, moving one hand to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Just you and I, all the time in the world in our hands…” He added, tracing her cheek with his thumb.
The look on her face… He could stare at her forever.
“There’s nothing I want more in my life. Only the time to be with you.”
At some point, they had moved closer, little by little, until they were mere inches from each other.
Claude was aching to close the remaining space between them, but stayed still, searching for any sign of approval on her face, any indication that she felt the same, that he wasn’t imagining things.
But that light in Byleth’s eyes only seemed to glow brighter as she run her fingers through his hair, slowly, her eyes never once leaving his. There was nothing more than pure adoration on those eyes.
Those eyes he had grown to love so much.
He couldn’t hold back any longer. He circled her waist with his arms and pulled her closer before he kissed her.
He expected her to be surprised, at least, but she wasn’t. It felt like she had wanted this as much as him, and kissed him back as soon as their lips touched.
Claude forgot all his worries. The war seemed so far away, so insignificant. If winning meant he could have this for the rest of his life, or as long as Byleth would have him, then they would win. There was no room for doubt any more.
He wasn’t a believer, but right there and then, he found heaven.
Their lips started moving against each other, their hands roaming lazily. It was slow, unhurried. They didn't want to take it too far, not yet.
When they separated after what felt like forever, gasping for air, Claude already missed her touch.
Byleth's hands rested on his shoulders, and he moved one of his to trace her bottom lip with his thumb.
"I won't let anything happen to you. I'll be there for you."
She smirked mischievously before answering, crossing her arms on her chest. "That is, if I don't have to protect you first. Like that time during last battle where I saved you from getting your ass kicked."
Claude dropped his hands, feigning offense. "Hey! I had everything under control. I'm perfectly capable of protecting myself."
Byleth stuck out her tongue at him, and both started laughing softly, their eyes never leaving each other.
Byleth then lied down on her bed, leaving room for Claude by her side.
"We should try to rest a little."
Claude took the empty spot, his back on the mattress. Byleth curled up at his side, and he put his arm around her.
"I think the others have been making bets about us since the days of the academy."
Claude chuckled.
“Back in the school days, I really looked up to you. You were an inspiration to me. And you still are. But everything changed when I saw you again on that tower, five years later. I don’t think there’s a word to express the relief I felt when I saw you were alive.”
Claude remembered that moment as he drew circles in Byleth’s back with his fingers. Deep inside of him he knew his old professor would keep her promise and attend the class reunion. Even if she had been missing. Claude had faked not to be worried sick about her for five entire years.
“I used to think for myself first. Everything I did, I did for my own gain. Until now.” He said. “Little by little you’ve made me open up, to you and the others, and I feel a lot less alone.”
Byleth grinned up at him from where her head rested on his chest, a proud, loving smile.
There were words left unsaid between them, but both knew it was too soon, too sudden. They were happy to wait, to be patient and take things slow. Others may had rushed, being in the middle of a war, but they agreed to see it through, if only so nothing stood between them.
Claude let himself forget about the war for the time being, and relish in the feeling of holding the most important person to him.
“As long as you’re by my side, I feel there’s nothing I can’t achieve.”
“You’re strong, Claude. Stronger than you think. And we will do this. We will see this war to the end. And then nothing will stop us from seeing our dreams come true.”
And as exhaustion claimed him, he clung to her words as he clung to her, and believed them.