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In Gary Chapman’s 1992 book ‘The Five Love Languages’ he outlines five ways to express and experience love between romantic partners. Those five ways are: acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Acts of Service (December 2377)
It doesn’t feel quite like reality yet. As Chakotay takes a storage container to his bedroom he contemplates what he is even supposed to do with all this space. What does he need two bathrooms and a guest bedroom for?
After leaving home, there were the Academy dorms, then assigned crewman quarters, later his small apartment he only ever used for the short breaks between missions. Then came the Maquis. He has always made sure everything he needed fit inside a few storage containers just for simplicity’s sake. Then of course he had nothing but what he kept close to his body when he got to Voyager: his clothes and his medicine bundle tucked away inside his vest.
Almost everything that has been transported down from Voyager was acquired during their journey through the Delta Quadrant. It still isn’t much, and a good amount of it was replicated, but they’re his only personal belonging. They’ll have to be enough to make this sterile environment feel more like his home.
Home. Here in San Francisco. On Earth.
That is going to take some time to wrap his head around.
He opens the container with his clothes and starts to fold and hang them up. They still have the typical starship smell to them; that hint of overly purified air, the traces of metal and plasma you don’t even notice while you’re aboard. Chakotay wonders if he should get them cleaned but then decides against it. There is already enough change happening around him.
When he is done and has shut the closet door he looks around the room. Standard plain walls, standard window, standard bed, standard sheet. Only the book on the bedside table and his throw blanket on top of the comforter show that someone is trying to live here.
Grabbing the empty container, he walks back out into the living room to find that Kathryn has moved from her spot on his couch and is now on her knees besides his book shelf. Despite their deeply rooted friendship, the scene bears a level of domesticity that makes his skin tingle. She is completely focused on her task of putting away his books and only looks up when he says, “You really don’t have to do this.”
“I know.” She pauses, then grins at him. “But it certainly beats having to face unpacking my own things.”
She ends up staying until he is completely moved in and way past dinner.
Words of Affirmation (February 2378)
Chakotay has become used to the late-night comm calls; used to Kathryn showing up at his doorstep just for a cup of coffee. Her insomnia is based on the same premise as his: they still don’t know how to fit in. Finally, far away from imminent threats and from the constant weight of caring for their crew, there is no direction for their energy. Maybe they just aren’t cut out for being on leave.
It’s become so simple to get together, sometimes to exercise or to play strategy games, and sometimes just for dinner. They never make plans for when to meet or for what they want to do; it just happens. She will message him and he will answer because that’s how things are between them.
Now it’s three in the morning, and he looks at Kathryn across the chess board. He’s already lost a game tonight and considering the state of this match, he’s not far away from losing his second. He has the suspicion that Kathryn may have brushed up on strategy recently.
Fifteen minutes later she calls check-mate and then leans back in her chair, stretching out her back. Chakotay ponders this relaxed sight of her, the one he is so familiar with, more so now than back in the Delta Quadrant. The difference is only that the professional distance that has fallen away, in the ease with which she fits into his home, just like his life is somewhere between what they were and what they are turning into.
It means that the question as to whether she is spending the night no longer speeds up his pulse. Instead, he sets out a fresh towel while she pulls her sleepwear from the drawer he has set aside for her in the guest bedroom.
Their ‘good nights’ are simple as usual, spoken in the semi-darkness of the hallway, but then she stops him.
“Chakotay?”
He turns and finds her smiling at him.
“Thank you,” she says warmly, and he wants to tell her that she has nothing to thank him for, but she continues. “I keep showing up at your door and you keep inviting me in without question, no matter what time of day.” She pauses. “I just hope you know how much that means to me. Because I have no idea what I’d do without you.”
He allows the words to bloom in his chest.
“You’ll always be welcome here, Kathryn,” he finally replies, pushing aside what he’d actually like to say.
For another moment they stand in the hallway, lingering in the space that’s between.
Receiving Gifts (June 2378)
He knows his captaincy of Voyager wasn’t solely Kathryn’s doing. But the knowledge doesn’t make it any less meaningful that she is with him today, officially in her role as Admiral overseeing the handover, but truly more as his friend and emotional support.
The ship is still in the middle of being upgraded - a process that is scheduled to take another full month. As he and Kathryn make their way through the corridors, they walk past the engineers who are hard at work updating the ship’s systems. Most of them only nod at the superior officers, but neither Chakotay nor Kathryn feel like anything more is necessary. It’s strange to walk through the corridors that feel more like home than any other place, and yet seem so different. It’s a tingling sensation in his fingers and a tightness around his stomach.
When they enter the bridge, they both end up staring at the captain’s chair. Chakotay has spent a fair amount of time in it, but then it was always hers. He looks up to find a melancholic smile on Kathryn’s lips.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever stop thinking of that chair as yours,” he offers in an attempt to cheer her up.
It surprises him when her brow creases. “It hasn’t been mine since December.”
The words hang between them in the silence of the room while they each take a moment to walk around. Chakotay wonders if Kathryn’s feelings are as conflicted as his own, the memories torn between the joy and horror they have witnessed within these walls.
When they both end up at the turbo lift doors, he is happy to see that Kathryn seems much more content.
“Ready for one last stop, Captain?” she asks and her teasing intonation of his rank makes him grin.
He gestures towards the lift. “Take the lead, Admiral.”
When they get to her - no, he corrects himself - his quarters, he has to take a deep breath before he follows her inside.
As the doors close behind them he looks around the plain room that has been stripped bare just as the rest of the ship.
“A little different than I remember,” she says, drawing Chakotay’s attention back to her. She doesn’t seem sad about it but instead smiles at him. “But maybe different is what the ship needs.” Chakotay suddenly notices a small box in her hand. “I have something for you,” she offers and he steps closer.
A quiet snap makes him look down to her hands where she has opened the small box. Inside it are four polished pips.
“I know you were given your own,” she explains, then wets her lips. “But I can’t help feeling that these go with the ship. And they’re both yours now.”
Quality Time (August 2378)
When Kathryn has finished her call and returned to the main room at Sandrine’s, she looks concerned, and as she tells them about Kerovi withdrawing from the Federation, Chakotay is afraid that the evening is going to move into even bleaker territory than so far. But then Kathryn smiles at and with a hand on his back announces that at least for the night she is done with the world outside the bar. It isn’t just her rank that has everyone agreeing to her suggestion.
Although once she’s won another three games of pool, Tom teasingly complains that losing constantly isn’t doing much to lighten his mood. But it’s not like he, Chakotay or Kaz have ever stood a chance at beating Kathryn.
Since they agreed to let the topic of their dealing with the Changeling rest, the evening has been light and fun. Chakotay thinks they definitely made the right call, especially as he watches Kathryn tease Tom about his sub-par pool skills. They laugh and Kaz chimes in that there must be some trickery to her ongoing winning streak, which sparks a new round of mock outrage followed by more laughter.
Chakotay nurses his drink, blissfully ignorant of how many he has had tonight. After days of debriefings, of having to disclose every detail about him and Sekaya being captured, the distraction of spending time with his friends feels almost like a vacation.
Kathryn looks over at him, eyes bright, cheeks flushed and her smile shifts, turning into the one he’s only ever seen on her lips when they’re alone. It’s the smile that never fails to offer him a sense of peace.
He raises his glass at her and across the room she does the same. Maybe it doesn’t matter what the future holds for them if he is so content in the here and now. With his mind made up, he takes a cue and announces that he is combining his efforts with those of Tom and Kaz, since apparently it will take all three of them to stand a chance. They end up losing spectacularly, but neither of them can seem to actually care.
Sometime around eleven Kaz takes his leave after yawning numerous times, mentioning a morning appointment at Starfleet medical.
They send him off outside, where Chakotay, Kathryn and Tom end up enjoying the fresh Mediterranean air that is coming in from the water. It’s so pleasant to feel the breeze, to taste the hint of salt, they stand here until just before midnight when Tom departs, saying something about wanting to see his mother in the morning.
Chakotay and Kathryn go back inside, where she orders a new bottle of wine for them to share, as well as some water, joking that neither of them is in their twenties anymore. They continue talking and teasing each other and he even lets her talk him into another game of pool. They don’t actually play against each other, instead she shows off her skills and then helps him to improve his grip.
And sometime around one-thirty in the morning Chakotay begins to realize that maybe Kathryn isn’t just here because she likes the bar.
Physical Touch (October 2378)
As good as it is to be able to resume their dinners in San Francisco, the somber mood of the past few weeks is still hard to shake. For Chakotay it’s the stiffness of his back and the restlessness in his legs that reminds him of almost losing Miral. Watching Kathryn across the table he can see the same exhaustion in her eyes and in the fine lines across her forehead that don’t quite smooth out.
Chakotay wonders how much she can’t tell him; what it is that Starfleet is cooking up that has her so concerned. As much as he is determined to live in the present and take whatever happens in stride, he can’t shake the sensation that there is something looming ahead. He won’t ask Kathryn - he respects her too much to put her in that position - but he can definitely be annoyed with Command for putting a dampener on the evening.
Having her on Voyager during Miral’s rescue felt almost like things were back to normal; an odd thought considering their normal was being stranded in the far reaches of the galaxy. And then it strikes him that this, right here, being together as something-more-than-friends has just as much become his life. In the ten months they’ve been home he has accepted this as what they are now, something that is growing slowly and steadily.
As Chakotay devours a second portion of the stew Gretchen Janeway so graciously provided, he can finally feel the tension draining out of him. Dinner with Kathryn has turned into such an integral part of his life he isn’t quite sure how he’s supposed to get by without seeing her so frequently once he will be sent out for longer time periods. Sooner or later that is bound to happen, and he wonders what that distance will do to the progression of what is happening between them, if the separation will be as hard on them as it has been on his past relationships.
For now, they chat and eventually move on to after-dinner coffee back on the couch. They are talking about their families, about trying to maintain their connection with their sisters even if the obstacles are so very different in their nature. They joke and tease and a few times Chakotay catches a more meaningful expression on Kathryn’s features, but he just allows it to be part of the evening. There is no rush.
He stays much later than he had planned and as it has become routine, they drag out their goodbyes.
What is different is the way they embrace when he has put on his jacket. Hugging isn’t all that new anymore, it became part of their repertoire months ago, but this is more than a hug.
One of her slender hands moves to his nape, holding him close, and when he tightens his arms, she molds herself against his body. There is no surprise at how well they fit together, how perfectly her head finds its place against his chest, how easy it is for his hands to span her back, to let his thumbs copy the same patterns she is drawing on his skin.
They both take several long breaths before letting go, and even then one of her hands stays on his arm.
He can still feel her touch hours later, in the darkness of his bedroom as he tries to fall asleep.
+ 1 // June 2379
With her cheek against Chakotay’s chest Kathryn listens to the steady beat of his heart, engulfed in his warmth and scent. Everything is even better than she has allowed herself to imagine and the happiness fills her, makes her feel almost light-headed and giddy like she hasn’t felt in years.
The words are still on her tongue, have been precariously close to being spoken since they kissed, and for a moment Kathryn imagines what it would be like to take that next step, to just say how she feels for Chakotay. It would be so easy, whispering as they lie wrapped in each other, sated and content. The words would be soft and earnest, only meant for him.
How right could this moment be to just tell him? To ensure him that there isn’t a shred of doubt left in her, that she knows exactly how she sees him, what she wants for both of them. It doesn’t matter whether she has to leave in a few hours or that he will be stuck in the Yaris Nebula for the next ten months. Because when they meet again there will only be one shared path.
Before these thoughts can get even further away, the scientist in her considers the hormonal cocktail in her blood, brought on by the emotions of their physical touch and intimacy. Not to mention the adrenaline and lack of sleep.
This isn’t how she is going to tell him. Not when her thighs are still slick and neither of them is fully in control of their higher brain functions.
They do talk, about everything and nothing until their fingers begin to wander again and they don’t need any more words.
Eventually they can’t postpone their separation any further. It will be the longest time they have spent apart since they met. They have promised to make the time to talk, to write if Chakotay is outside of comm range. But mostly they have tried their hardest to get their fill of each other. Once they touched, they have done their best to continue their skin on skin contact. Neither of them was willing to sleep and Kathryn knows she’s not going to regret one second.
Now she is fully dressed, has even managed to tame her hair and fix her make-up, while Chakotay has only bothered with his uniform pants and his undershirt. Seeing him like this, bare feet on the carpet of the quarters that used to be hers, the whole night seems almost surreal, like it can’t possibly have happened.
They hug tightly and their heights feel off now that she’s the only one wearing shoes.
“I’ll miss you”, he says quietly and her throat feels raw. They have done such a great job remaining in the present and keeping their focus on all the happiness of this night. But now when he says what has been looming over them, it becomes almost impossible to bear.
Kathryn swallows, feels the words she has been pushing aside all night surfacing again, so close to spilling her heart.
Instead she kisses his neck and forces herself to only say, “It’ll be over before we know it.”
And she vows in that moment that she will tell him in Venice. When they have conquered one more challenge, when the words that she wants to say so badly can be spoken from a place of pure joy and aren’t tainted by sadness. When there is sun on their faces and their cheeks hurt from smiling.