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You had been staring at your phone screen for a while now. Your gaze switching back and forth, your hands shaky. Were you sure you wanted to block his number ? Surely, it was the right thing to do, but it was still something you felt bad doing. You should be focusing on your own well-being, on how it would be so much better to cut him from your life. And yet… It hurt. Like a band aid being ripped.
You hated to admit to anyone else how emotionally dependent you were of him, and being away from him made you feel empty inside. There was no other way to describe this other than the feeling of loneliness. It felt as though you were all alone – which was far from the truth, you had many close friends. It felt as if you had no one to support you, no one to help you in your time of need. No one you could run to when you needed to talk.
You hated feeling this way. But there was no helping it.
When you finally did block his number, you did this as a favor to your friend, not for yourself. You couldn't help feeling anxious, wondering if he would be mad at you, if you should check his social media and see what he was doing… He wouldn't be mad at you, would he?
No, Kei wouldn't.
And that was it. Your friends were finally relieved to see you cutting ties with your ex, so you could finally move on and focus on getting your life together. You had a long journey ahead of you.
You and Kei had been together for years, until he decided a break-up would be best for the both of you. While at first you tried to see his point of view – that he wanted to focus on himself and get his life together before he could pursue a relationship – it was after a couple of months that it finally hit you.
You would often text him, talking about trivialities and events of your daily life. But it was not the same as before. You had some hope in you that things would go back to normal, that you two would get back together soon enough… But he had no way of reassuring you of that. You wanted to believe in a silent promise of reunion… But perhaps that thought was one-sided.
You hated yourself for insisting in a forced friendship, insisting in an empty conversation. Every day. It was all you knew. You two had been extremely close to one another for years; you couldn't help it.
From the way he spoke, you couldn't help wondering if you were bothering him by continuing to force a daily conversation. Kei mentioned it was nothing, but it was still something you kept thinking about. At times, you would stop yourself and let him come to you. And before you even noticed, months had already passed.
You were finally getting your life together, doing your best to focus on university and your future professional life. Life was good. It took you some time, but you were finally working on improving yourself, on your self-worth and individuality. You were finally taking care of yourself, and no more living for the sake of pleasing others.
That is, until you ran into Kei.
You hadn't seen him in months and you could've sworn he looked even better than before. He was dressed nicely, his figure looming over you. The thought of being close to him after so long… Made you feel uneasy. You shook your feet anxiously, while occasionally sneakily glancing at him. He would smile sheepishly and ask you about something, any event or situation that came to mind.
You wondered if he could notice how uncomfortable you were at that moment, until your friend showed up. Yachi sat by your side, glancing ever so often at you and Tsukishima. Her presence really did calm you for a bit, and you found yourself talking normally to Kei.
"It's nice to see you after so long." You spoke truthfully, staring into his golden orbs, a smile never quite leaving your lips.
"I feel the same way." He replied with a shy, subtle smile of his. It seemed genuine.
And so you spent the rest of the evening talking to him and Yachi. You had to admit how happy it made you to finally see him after months. You couldn't control your racing heart when you looked at him straight in the eye, his features relaxed and gaze focused solely on you. His cologne was a smell you came to find reassuring, something that would comfort you when you cried in his arms.
The mere sight of him unearthed the feelings you tried to bury so deep beneath your heart. There was no helping it. It took you some time to occupy your mind, so that every single thing in your daily life wouldn't remind you of him… But seeing him with your own eyes was something different. You had no control over how you would feel. You couldn't bury your feelings anymore.
That day, you left with a warm heart. But it wouldn't take long before your feelings were crushed once more.
It was pretty clear to you: Kei had shown up that day to see you. Which eventually lead you to believe that perhaps there was still hope for the two of you..? You couldn't help thinking otherwise.
But what came to shatter your heart to pieces, was the news he would be moving to another prefecture, far away from you. It broke your heart. His visit genuinely gave you hope that everything was okay, that he still loved and cared for you… Were you thinking too much? Or was he too ignorant to see it?
Nevertheless, everything hurt. It hurt and you could do nothing about it. The situation was out of your control and there was nothing you could do but hope for the best. Hope that everything would turn out well for the two of you. Even if that meant walking in separate paths.
And so you finally blocked him.
It was a small step, but for you it meant a lot. It meant you were finally putting him behind you – or attempting to do so. It was your way of trying to become independent of him, so that you would focus on living for yourself from now on. Even if that meant putting the love of your life to the side.
You ripped the band aid, but underneath there was still an open, fresh-cut wound. It would take a long time to heal; there was no way but to move forward. Every day would hurt like hell and you still had a long way ahead of you. Whether the future held anything for you and Tsukishima, be it romantically or not, there was no way of telling.
You had to brush your hope to the side and focus on yourself. Life still goes on, whether you like it or not. The world doesn't wait for you; the world doesn't wait for you to get better. Life is a landslide and it doesn't wait; you had to stop worrying about everything and get out there.
"Take care, Kei. I love you."