Work Text:
i. under the mistletoe
watching the fire glow
and telling me, "i love you"
This year they decided that Christmas would be different. Instead of uncomfortable dinners and brunches with their families as they had in the last two years, they would escape from the windy and snowy Chicago. In August, they bought tickets to Los Angeles. They would stay for three days in the City of Angels, and then a one-and-a-half-hour drive to Santa Barbara. The sunny and warm Santa Barbara. Except sunny, warm Santa Barbara is cold and rainy at the moment.
Housed in the living room of the apartment they rented through Airbnb, Connor and Ava drink hot chocolate with mini marshmallows (at her request), silently cursing how Southern California tricked them into promising hot days in December, away from snow and cold temperatures.
"Next time, we should go somewhere in South America, then we'll make sure we'll have hot days," Connor says over the cup of hot chocolate and watches Ava scowl. He knows she wants hot days today. Now.
“What I wouldn't do for a day at the beach. Just the two of us. No parents, no siblings,” Ava mutters, putting her feet up on the couch and hugging her knees.
"At least we're together," Connor replies, placing a hand on the back of his wife, stroking softly. “When did you imagine that one day we would just be both away from Chicago enjoying time with each other?”
ii. there i was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles
same old tired, lonely place
walls of insincerity
shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when i saw your face
all i can say is it was enchanting to meet you
On the plane, on the way to Chicago, Ava asked herself if she was doing the right thing. After a brief conversation with Isidore Latham, she thought she had taken a huge risk by deciding to move to another country. And there, at that little party—whose main motive was to attract generous donations to the hospital—Ava was sure she had made a wrong decision. Her father was right when he said she was biting more than she could chew.
He appeared out of nowhere beside Dr. Latham. The blue eyes, which were dull and tired, were the first thing that appeared. Not his face or messy hair, but his eyes. They shook hands and she felt firmness and assertiveness in the way he clenched his fingers while being gentle. Dr. Jaffrey always told her that you know what kind of surgeon one is by the way they shake their hand. From this, Ava could tell that Dr. Rhodes was a surgeon who was always sure of his decisions, didn’t go back in his decisions, but was attentive and polite to his patients.
At the moment, she wasn't aware of how they would lash out at each other most of the time, and agreeing on anything would be harder than saving people after a mass shooting. Nothing prepared her for what lay ahead.
If she could say anything about that night, Ava would say she ignored the crystal clear signs. The hands that trembled upon meeting him (did he judge her by that handshake as a flustered, hesitant surgeon?), how her eyes roamed his face, searching for any clue that indicated what was leaving his eyes lifeless (did he notice the intensity of her gaze?), and the way she swallowed hard when he said 'Dr. Bekker '.
"Nice to meet you, Dr. Bekker."
"Nice to meet you too, Dr. Rhodes."
iii. big reputation, big reputation
oh, you and me would be a big conversation
and i heard about you
you like the bad ones too
Of course things were not easy with her. She was stubborn, determined, so firm in her convictions that she made sure they were chosen. She hated losing, he could see it in the small details.
Annoyingly, it was like looking in the mirror and seeing his feminine version, but with more acidic comments and prettier hair. Daily life with Ava was challenging, intense, and as much as he hated to admit it, fun. The work was never boring, and Connor didn't know if she made efforts for it or was inherent in her, as if it were in her DNA.
"I didn't know my approval meant so much to you," she said once, in the sharpest tone her voice could utter.
He also hated to admit it, but something inside him was growing. Connor couldn't define a shape or quantify what that was. All he saw were colors. Sometimes an urgent, violent, and biting red. Other times, orange, still intense and urgent, but with a tone of happiness. When he saw her teary-eyed after hearing his mentor say he was disappointed in her, Connor saw her in baby blue and lilac tones: soft, calm, sad.
The night he finally kissed her, Connor couldn't tell in which colors he saw her. At first, she was red, and then gold. Minutes later, she was orange. He saw her in different colors that night, and they all exploded inside him.
iv. i blew things out of proportion, now you're blue
put you in jail for something you didn't do
i pinned your hands behind your back, oh
thought i had reason to attack, but no
Their first night was all she had never imagined, because she never imagined that things would come to this. From time to time she would find herself wondering what it would be like to kiss him, or see his tattoos more closely, but Ava never planned a scenario where she was in his bed.
She never imagined Connor's hands running over her body or his urgent kisses, as if he was trying to make up for the lost months. She never imagined she would see a discreet, lewd smile in the dim lights of his room. Ava never saw him smiling like that. Not for her.
The other day, when he subtly turned her down (in fact, not so subtly, she realized that Connor wanted nothing more and considered that night a mistake), Ava was not heartbroken at all. A small piece broke, but it was something she could recover from. She put her fingers in love, managed to touch it, but the truth was, she couldn't have it. She didn't even know if she was ready to own something so majestic and strong.
But it was hard. It was hard to ignore that voice in the back of her head begging her to give him a second chance, to open herself to new experiences. That voice was talking to her in loud whispers, and Ava tried to shut it up at all costs. Giving her heart was so risky, she tried once and it was all over, leaving her in pieces.
Seeing him every day didn't help. Sometimes their hands were touching in the middle of surgery, and it was almost metaphorical how right after he held someone's heart in his hands. It was overwhelming to see how he could do whatever he wanted. She tried to look at this situation from a distance, trying to be a bystander to be able to analyze all those moments with logic and reason, yet failed every time.
Ava didn't know if it was fate or just the circumstances of life, but everything seemed to bring them even closer. He saw her crying, let her nest in his chest and release all the pressure he had been feeling for the past few months. Connor took the blame for her mistake so impulsively that she could hardly believe he would do it for anyone but her. The farther she wanted to get away, the closer she got, like an involuntary magnet.
She tried so hard to get away from Connor, but when she realized she was crying in the doorway of her workplace, wondering what it would be like to work in Chicago without him. The mere possibility of not seeing him anymore broke her heart--which she wanted so much to avoid. Was she meant for that? To have her heart broken again and again until she gave up looking for love everywhere? Was love impossible for her?
“You got an offer, didn't you?”
“Would you take it?”
And then, on a rainy night, with lightning and thunders, he appeared at her door.
v. find myself at your door
just like all those times before
i'm not sure how i got there
all the roads, they lead me here
“I’m not going.” Short and precise, he said everything she wanted to hear. He wouldn't leave her in Chicago alone, thinking of all the possibilities of what they could be. He would stay. And what did that mean?
"Why?"
He didn't answer, and kissed her then. They spent the night together, just as urgently as the first time, but more gently and kindly. Connor didn't want it to be over overnight. He wanted to absorb all the details of that night. Her hair wet, leaving damp traces on her pillow (later, Ava would make a joke of how he could have expected her to dry her hair), the invisible traces he drew on her arm while she slept, how Ava woke up in the middle of the night because she had a nightmare, and accidentally Connor found that after a bad dream, she watched Steven Universe on the tablet, huddled in the corner of the couch.
The other day, when the lights came on, the room was no longer dark and they could see without the layer of impulsiveness on them, Ava was afraid. Involuntarily, she dodged his touch and his embrace as a way of protecting herself. She was still picking up the pieces of her broken heart that lay on the floor.
“I don't want to let you go. I don't want to leave,” Connor said, as he tried to touch her arm and Ava dodged like a mistrustful cat.
She frowned in surprise at that moment. He didn't want to leave her. Connor was steadying his feet on her apartment floor as a statement. He touched Ava's shoulders, and felt everything relax under the palms of his hand.
"That’s nice. I didn't want you to leave.”
After that day, he never saw her again in a single color. She was a spectrum of colors, invading the yellow, the pink, the red, as if dancing on a dance floor and occupying every space.
She took up every space in his life. In his apartment she had a drawer and a shelf in the bathroom. At work, he didn't just buy one cup of coffee. On his cell phone, her name was always at the top of the list, either in messages or in calls. Ava didn't do it on purpose, her presence was so remarkable that she was everywhere even when she wasn't.
He never understood how anyone ever let her go.
vi. and you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
i think it's strange that you think i'm funny 'cause he never did
i've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does
is break and burn and end
but on a wednesday in a cafe i watched it begin again
It was her day off. She never knew what to do on her days off. Relaxing made her feel lazy and purposeless. Determined to make that day productive, Ava rearranged her cupboard, made almond cookies, and threw away old, unimportant papers. When she decided it was time to really relax, she sat on the couch and started watching Steven Universe reruns.
As soon as the doorbell rang, she frowned. She opened the door and saw Jack, her ex-boyfriend, standing there, offering his best smile. Everything about Ava went on alert, as if her body was warning her that she was in danger. Jack represented all her suffering in recent months.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, digging her nails into the doorknob. More than hurt, immense anger consumed her.
“I called your mom some time ago. I asked about you and she told me you came to live in Chicago. When I heard I had to travel here for work, I thought I'd pay you a visit.”
Ava wanted to dismiss him, tell Jack he could leave, because there was nothing they could talk about. There was no talk when he destroyed all her self-esteem, manipulated her, and made her think she was being paranoid when she saw him kissing another girl at the door of her favorite restaurant. There was no conversation when he decided to return to England without consulting her or asking if she would like to go with him.
However, she couldn't say no to him. It was as if he carried this hallucinogenic charisma that would not let negative answers be directed at him. When she least noticed, Jack was on his couch, making a mean joke about Ava watching cartoons.
He talked about England, how well things were and how happy he was to have returned to his homeland. Jack asked about Ava's work, tried to reach her hand, but she dodged it occasionally. In the end, he said he missed her, and how he missed Ava's laughter.
It reminded her of dark times. When every personality trait of hers was never enough for Jack. The laugh was very loud. The hair was very long. She was too career focused. Everything was excessive. Ava's presence demanded a lot of space and energy.
Before she could answer, Connor appeared at her door. He didn't notice Jack for a while, but when he did, his first instinct was to look at Ava and check on her. Despite her twisted, annoyed expression, she was holding up well.
"Jack, what are you doing here?" He questioned, trying to sound calm, not wanting to expose the festival of anger that was going on inside him.
“I came to pay Ava a visit.”
“How was your day?” Connor asked, giving Ava a kiss on the top of his head. For a few moments, he blocked Jack's presence, and let Ava know that he was at her side regardless of what Jack said or did.
"Good. Better now.”
They smiled at each other, and Ava noticed Jack's stiff expression. He was not comfortable with this situation because he had no control. Having no control made Jack angry and vindictive. On one hand, she was feeling afraid. On the other hand, she wanted him to see how she had risen without him.
As Jack left, a weight left Ava's heart. As soon as she closed the door, unwanted tears came. Seeing Jack aroused feelings and memories she'd put to sleep some time ago.
Connor noticed her quiet cry and wrapped her in a warm, comforting hug. He was everything Jack was not. Jack was hurry, impulsiveness, passion. Connor was calm, logic, love.
vii. when you started crying baby, i did too
but when the sun came up i was looking at you
remember when we couldn't take the heat
[...] but the monsters turned out to be just trees
when the sun came up you were looking at me
Fear was not a recurring feeling for Connor. Even in the worst of surgery or with the most critical patients, he never gave in to fear, never gave in to the scared part of his brain. But with a gun pointed at him, and his father upstairs in risky surgery, not being afraid would be madness on his part.
His hands shook in the middle of the surgery (as Ava's hands shook when he met him), and Connor tried to direct his mind to that moment, but all he could think about was that his father was having surgery, with his chest open, and Ava was responsible for it. And then a dark thought struck him. If all went wrong, he would never tell his father that he was about to propose to Ava. If Connor died in that emergency room with someone else's blood on him, he could never ask Ava if she would marry him.
Time dragged by, all movements were slow. Every second was like a minute. All Connor wanted was to get out of there alive, to hug Ava, to say that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
When the boy fell to the ground after a clear shot, everything passed like a blur in Connor's eyes. People talked to him, but to this day, he can't tell what conversations he had that night. He managed to escape from that place and go to the Cardiology floor. As soon as he got there, his first vision was Ava. As if all his prayers had been answered promptly.
"Thank God," he murmured against her neck as he hugged her. He smelled of blood and despair, but didn't care. Connor knew Ava wouldn't care either.
"It's okay," she replied back, stroking his hair.
That night, when they returned home, Connor couldn't say that he loved her or asked her to marry him. Instead, Ava let him put his head on her chest and cry. She stroked his back lovingly and calmly, trying to cease his crying with the calm and peaceful love she offered him.
"I was so scared," Connor sniffed, hugging Ava's waist tightly.
“I know, I was afraid too. It's normal.”
That night, he felt what true love was, and how it is not rushed, nor filled with strong emotions. Love was patience, supportive whispers, and silence. Love was stable, with no big surprises or the uncertainty of whether it would last until tomorrow.
Love was not red as people imagined. It was blue, calm and peaceful, like a sea without waves. It was green, full of freedom and hope. It was yellow, inspiring and cheerful. It was orange, encouraging and attractive. Love was all colors. A rainbow whose end was not a pot of gold, but Ava. Ava was all colors in one person. Even in the darkest night, he would never see a world without color again.
viii. my heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue
all's well that ends well to end up with you
swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover
and you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me
and every table, i'll save you a seat, lover
If Ava was asked how she imagined her proposal, she would choose the obvious: a romantic dinner, her favorite wine, a dessert she would share, and at the end of the night, the most famous and anticipated question. She would give that answer because she never thought about it or even the smallest details. If the request followed a pattern, she would be happy.
That day she had barely seen Connor. They met at lunch, and had fifteen minutes to talk until she was called by Dr. Latham for emergency surgery. After the message, she planted a kiss on Connor's cheek and said 'see you later'.
All that day all she imagined was coming home, drinking some hot chocolate and lying in bed, snuggled in Connor. People talked about relationships that had a routine and got boring, but Ava didn't see it that way. There was so much beauty in the routine. It was wonderful to see your day to day with a more optimistic and hopeful look.
When her shift was over, she received a message from Connor asking to meet him on the hospital terrace. Tired but curious, she went to the terrace. There he was, still in his scrubs, deep dark circles, and messy hair. He was exhausted, but seemed happy to see her. How nice. She was also happy to see him.
“What was so urgent?”
“I said it was urgent?”
“You made it sound like. In the text you told me to meet you right on the terrace.” She smiled. There wasn't exactly a reason for the smile, but she couldn't help it when she was near him.
"Yeah, it was kind of urgent." Connor took a small velvet box from his pants pocket and opened it, revealing a ring with a small diamond stone. Ava's heart stopped. “I thought about that many times, made a lot of plans, and none seemed good enough. I wanted to propose to you somewhere else, on another occasion, but I have surgery in twenty minutes and didn't want to spend another day without you knowing that I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, Ava Bekker…” he knelt down and butterflies were dancing inside her, “… will you marry me?”
She said a 'yes' in murmurs so Connor wouldn't hear her choked voice. He hugged her and the whole world stopped spinning so she could enjoy that moment, so that Ava could engrave every second of that moment in her mind. Life was good, love was not meant to break hearts and leave traces of suffering. Love was that.
"I love you," she whispered as Connor still hugged her.
ix. and i never saw you coming, and i'll never be the same
this is a state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight
love is a ruthless game
unless you play it good and right
the is the hands of fate, you're my achilles heel
this is the golden age of something good and right and real
They didn't tell anyone about the engagement, not even their parents. For them, their future wedding was a secret to good to share with others. That's why, in May, they had a week off and traveled to Montalcino, in the Tuscan region. They would marry without any guests. Just them and the celebrant.
Alone, everything seemed more real. They didn't need to worry about flowers, table seating or bridesmaid dresses. They just needed to be there to be officially married. It was like being in a dream where you don't have the courage to wake up.
In her hotel room, Ava looked once again at her wedding dress. It was silk, with long, slightly puffy sleeves and a deep neckline. Her hair was loose and wavy. Her makeup was light, an eyeliner, mascara, and a light pink, almost natural lipstick.
"Are you ready?" Connor asked, entering the room. His pants and jacket were navy blue, and his shirt underneath was white. He wore no tie, but a boutonniere indicated he was the groom.
"What are you doing here? It's bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony.”
“Ava Bekker, are you a superstitious person? ”He laughed, running a hand over his beard. He meant to shave, but every time he thought about it, he remembered Ava saying she liked him that way. “I don't think I know you at all.”
“It's a good thing you have the rest of your life for it.” Her laugh was short and loud, but enough to fill his heart with expectation. "Come on. Let's get married.”
As the sun was setting, they shared their vows. Connor talked about how Ava changed him as a person without his noticing, and that she was everywhere, and he liked to look sideways and see her around. Ava said Connor made her believe again. In love and in life.
They were filled with the certainty that they had found each other. In the midst of seven billion people, they did not have to search. Love came without any planning or algorithms.
After the ceremony, they opened a bottle of white wine and drank from their bedroom balcony, watching the star-studded dark sky. Then they slept together, a peaceful night of sleep, as if who knows that life has just begun.
x. long live the walls we crashed through
all the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
i was screaming "long live all the magic we made"
and bring on all the pretenders
i'm not afraid
And now, in the living room of an unknown’s apartment, they smile at each other, watching the rain fall, and the clock creep to midnight, welcoming Christmas day.
In a sad murmur Ava says, “I wish we were on the beach.”
In response, Connor mutters, “Come on, then.”
Her brown eyes widen, wondering what he's thinking. Minutes later, he holds her hand, and drags her to the nearest beach. The rain is freezing, but for some reason they can't feel cold. With her feet in the sand, Ava hugs her husband's body and lets out a loud laugh that echoes off the empty beach.
Soon afterwards, perhaps out of stubbornness or a little rebellion, they take off their clothes and only in their underwear, plunge into the cold but calm sea. They splash water on one another, pretending to be on a beach in South America, with the sun going down, and soon after that they will drink mojitos sitting on the sand.
Ava feels like a teenage girl who had ran away from home with her boyfriend and is swimming in underwear just to tease her parents. When, in fact, she is a renowned surgeon who has embraced an act of impulsiveness as she had not done for a long time.
It's winter, but when Connor looks at Ava, it's like summer. Hot, cheerful, full of life. Everything inside him warms up and there's no room to think that coming to the beach in the rain in the middle of a cold night was a bad idea. Nothing sounds like a bad idea when it comes to her.
The low temperature begins to hit them, and they rush out of the sea, dressing anyway and running back home. Ava takes towels and they dry off, leaving the wet clothes in a corner of the bathroom. When they put on warm clothes and go to bed, hugging each other, Ava plants a kiss on Connor's forehead, "Merry Christmas."
He returns a kiss on the cheek, "Merry Christmas."
And it’s merry, indeed.