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The Umbrella Academy Christmas Special
It was a dark and stormy night. The house was quiet and Grace had powered down for the night. Naturally, this meant that Diego, Klaus, and Five, the resident night owls were still awake.
Pogo had long finished his final rounds of making sure the children were still asleep. Tonight, not even Sir Reginald was monitoring them. He was away on business. It was quiet, dark, and perfect conditions for two assassins to do their jobs. Sort of.
“Are you sure that this is what the mission instructions said? This seems a little… weird, even for, you know,” Cha-Cha looked over to Hazel. She was slipping on her mask.
“I’m sure. What are we delivery boys now? This is bogus,” Hazel had The Briefcase in one hand and his mask already on.
“Not this again! Can we focus on the mission?” Cha-Cha said. She thought the instructions were ‘bogus’ too.
DELIVER THESE ITEMS TO AGENT #5’s CHILDHOOD HOME. 13% PAY REDUCTION IF SEEN. 24 DECEMBER 2000.
“I hope Number Five doesn’t see that we’re here. He might kill us if he found out that we were here. You think we’ll see the old bastard here?” Hazel started the ignition of the car.
“What as some snot-nosed eleven year old? I hope not, there’s a thirteen percent pay reduction if we’re seen. If anyone could spot us, it would be that kid. I once looked at that dumb mannequin of his and he almost shot me,” Cha-Cha retorted.
“Right, but he’d be a kid. ‘Snot-nosed eleven year old?’ I don’t think he would have those types of instincts yet,” Hazel argued. He turned on the blinker and made a left onto a side street.
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Diego was scared of the storm. It was loud and there was a tree knocking against his window. The shadows created by the street lights and the trees were making ominous shapes in his window. At eleven years old, Dad said they were too old to seek comfort from Mom, but surely he would make an exception just this once! Besides, he heard one of the tutors say that today was a holiday! Not to mention, Mom might be scared. She would need a strong member of the Umbrella Academy to protect her from danger.
Diego crept out of bed and put on his socks and slippers. He grabbed his sleepy-time knives from his bedside table and went out into the hallway. He needed to protect Mom.
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The ghosts were loud tonight. Klaus wanted to sleep so badly, but he couldn’t because the ghosts were too loud . There was an obnoxious amount of wailing and crying. At the ripe age of eleven, Klaus had grown used to the sounds of ghosts. They could be annoying, especially after training, but tonight they were unbearable.
Klaus rolled over in an attempt to find that one position that would finally make him tired enough to sleep. He missed that one nice ghost that talked a lot about Vietnam and had a pretty smile. His rambling was comforting.
Klaus decided to visit Five. On nights like this, Klaus needed a friend.
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Five wasn’t even trying to sleep when Klaus knocked on his door. Five knew it was Klaus because of the specific rhythm. “.... . -.-- ..... .. - ·----· ... ....-” tapped softly and quickly. Five walked across the room to open the door.
“Hey, Klaus,” Five said a little louder than he should be. If ghosts were being loud, then Klaus might not be able to hear him at a whisper volume.
“Is it alright if I stay the night, Five?” Klaus said at around the same volume. Klaus crossed the room to sit on Five’s bed.
They sat up on Five’s bed for almost an hour, talking about nothing and everything the way eleven year olds can. Somehow, the conversation turned to the consequences of a spirit dimension on theoretical physics when the power went out.
“That’s weird. The City never loses power. Maybe it’s a problem with our system?” Klaus clutched Five’s hand. He was staring at Five with an intensity Five had only seen when Klaus got back from private training.
“Yeah… or maybe it’s an intruder. Should we check?” Five asked.
“I mean… I guess?”
“Can any of the ghosts around tell us anything?”
“Nah. They’re more in the screaming and wailing mood,” Klaus stole Five’s spare slippers from the closet. Five put on his normal ones.
“Okay. I bet I could jump us there!”
“I’d rather not take the risk.”
“Fine. We can walk,” Five dramatically opened the door and led Klaus out of the room.
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Agent Five was bored out of his skull. He was given the night off so he was in his Commission dormitory with Dolores, Vanya’s book, and the Eye for company. The difference between now and the apocalypse was that in the apocalypse he could roam and think aloud freely. Here, he had to worry about the Commission catching on to his plans to ditch in less than a year. He was so close, he could taste the peanut butter and marshmallows.
Hazel and Cha-Cha were out on an assignment. It was absolutely top secret, which was strange. Normally, assignments were posted on the training room blackboard. Agent Five decided that instead of sitting on his ass, he was going to find out where they were. He couldn’t work on his equations right in the middle of the Commission and he had nothing else better to do.
Agent Five jumped to the Science and Inventions Division better known as The SID. They usually left evidence lying around in a haphazard mess. He wasn’t disappointed. Right on the first table there was a prototype of a memory eraser with notes about experiment results and how the subject was affected. He pocketed the prototype and the notes before moving on to the others.
Then Agent Five found something peculiar. A trip down memory lane. He saw a copy of the first time travel theory book he had ever read. As far as he was aware, there was only one copy of that book. Then he looked around. All of his siblings had received presents the year they were eleven on Christmas day. Pictures and prototypes were out on the tables. Agent Five was beginning to piece together a theory. He pursued the tables and the notes while growing more and more sure that Hazel and Cha-Cha’s top secret mission had something to do with those mysterious presents.
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When Five and Klaus walked into the kitchen, he saw Diego sipping hot chocolate that Mom had (presumably) made. The emergency lights that only turned on on the ground floor and in Dad’s office were on.
“Nice mustache, Diego,” Klaus pointed out. Diego’s upper lip had developed a milk mustache. Diego scowled and furiously wiped it off with his sleeve.
“Be nice to your brother, Klaus,” Mom admonished. She was up and around which was good. Five didn’t want to know what would happen if she was plugged in when the power went out.
“Did you guys notice the power go out?” Five asked while Mom handed him his own mug of hot chocolate. His mug was a bright electric blue with little white stars on it. It has been his mug since he was old enough to hold one. Klaus was handed a pale pink mug with large blue and yellow stars on it.
“The power went out?” Mom had that creepy blank smile on her face that meant she was computing something.
“Yeah! It was super weird ‘cause that never happens,” Klaus took another sip of his chocolate.
“Children. Ring the mission alarm. The house is under attack,” Mom’s voice had turned robotic. Five had never teleported faster.
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“Shit!” Hazel exclaimed as the house began blaring a loud alarm. Cha-Cha had blown out the lock and they snuck into the mansion with no issues. They were almost done when a loud alarm permeated the house. Somehow, they had alerted The Umbrella Academy of their presence.
“Just drop the stuff and go!” Cha-Cha ordered. She picked up the baseball bat she brought as a weapon.
“Why do I have to carry the presents and the briefcase?” Hazel complained. He dropped the present and picked up his shovel. Covert meant no guns.
Just as they were about to book it out of the house, they were met by two knives and a flash of blue that they had only seen in training.
“Get out of my house!” screamed the teleporting kid while attempting to attack them with a poker. Young Agent Five was about as hospitable as Old Bastard Agent Five.
“Now, is that any way to greet new people, sprout?” Hazel teased. He and Cha-Cha were going to get a kick out of calling the old bastard “sprout” behind his back.
“S-shovel and a b-b-bat, really?” The stabby one questioned.
Just as Cha-Cha was about to retort, there was another, more familiar, flash of blue. Someone had traveled to them in a briefcase.
“Get the fuck away from them,” Agent Five had joined the party. He wasn’t too happy about being there.
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“Woah who’s that old dude,” Klaus was looking frantically between Five, the old guy that just taught them a new word, and the weird guys in masks. A night of hot chocolate just got a whole lot more interesting.
“What’s going on?” Luther demanded. The whole room was at a standstill. Allison and Ben were right behind Luther on the stairs. Mom was frozen with her cast-iron skillet. And the old dude had taught them a new word. What does ‘fuck’ mean? Klaus thought. Maybe I should be more worried about the three intruders .
“Agent Five you know the rules, top secret mission. We could report you to The Handler for this,” The pink one pointed her bat at him threateningly.
“Agent Five?” Five looked at the old dude with an unreadable expression.
“Don’t worry about it,” Agent Five looked pained. He was looking at Klaus’ siblings with a look of mourning. Klaus would know.
“Are we all dead in the future? Is that why you work with creepy people who sneak into people’s houses to leave gifts for children?” Klaus was known for asking direct questions.
“Something like that,” Agent Five said. It was a bit of a non-answer on the whole dead thing, but Klaus would take it.
“What is wrong with this kid?” Blue mask asked.
“I heard a rumor you dropped your weapons and shut up,” Allison used one of her favorites from training.
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Hazel and Cha-Cha had never looked more defeated. They had been beaten by seven 11 year olds. Admittedly, Agent Five had also been involved, so it wasn’t a total loss of reputation for them. It was probably a big loss of pay for every agent involved though. Agents weren’t supposed to meet their younger or older selves. Agent Five could be executed for this.
Then Agent Five remembered. The memory-eraser. He could use it without repercussions, which he knew to be true because he must have used it on himself, hence why he didn’t remember anything but the presents.
“I grow up to be a cranky old bastard?” His younger self was clearly not impressed.
“Yeah. I can’t believe I was such a whiny kid. Word of advice, research for a round trip. I have to erase their memories and get them back to HQ. Merry Christmas. Go to bed,” Agent Five ordered with a pained grin. He pointed the device at Hazel first and then fired to erase 24 hours. He then did the same for Cha-Cha. Conveniently, the device knocked out the subject. Agent Five set their briefcase to Cha-Cha’s dorm at HQ and sent them on their merry way.
“You think we’re gonna be able to fall asleep after that!” Ben. He would be dead in six years and Agent Five couldn’t do shit about it without getting killed or worse.
“You can and you will. If you know about me for too long, then the fabric of the universe could break. Essentially I am an older version of your brother complete with an older conscience. I got here using a more complicated version of quantum teleportation that my younger self uses to ‘jump’” Agent Five was fiddling with the device to make it erase four hours, just to be safe.
“Th-tha-that made no s-sense” Diego was fiddling with his knife.
“Well it would if you were smarter,” Agent Five was almost sure he had the correct setting.
“What happened to you?” Luther asked pointedly. Agent Five supposed the question wasn’t unmerited. He used to be a lot more fun.
“I went to the future. It’s shit by the way,” Agent Five said absentmindedly. He had it, but was now just looking around and trying to prolong this conversation. He was drinking in the first sight of his siblings in 44 years. He had forgotten the way Luther’s voice sounded, Diego’s stutter, the exact tone of Allison’s rumors, the way Klaus looked before the drugs, how innocent he himself was, the way Ben constantly fought against bedtime, and how Vanya’s hands bent at an angle when she wasn’t paying attention because of her constant practice.
I missed you guys. So fucking much. But if I don’t get back soon and erase my record, then I’ll be executed . Agent Five felt like breaking down and crying. Like jumping up to his room and sleeping well for the first time since he was thirteen. Like hugging his siblings and never letting go. Like staying here and being weird Uncle Cinq or something. Anything but what he had to do.
“I’m sorry,” Agent Five managed to croak out. He felt small and tired. He jumped to shut off the mission alarm and then pointed his memory-eraser at the group. With the settings he had on it, all seven of them would have their memories of the last four hours wiped. He pressed the button and watched his siblings fall unconscious.
“Mom,” He wanted to rush into her arms and feel safe and protected like a little kid, “Can you keep a secret? I don’t think this will work on yo-” He was pulled into that hug. Agent Five felt a few tears run down his face. He didn’t want to leave, consequences be damned. He missed his Mom and his Siblings and Pogo and his bed and his world.
“There, there, Five. It’s okay. I can keep a secret for you,” Mom pulled away and gave him a smile. He had forgotten what the smile she used for him looked at. It was bright and inviting.
“I brought everyone presents. They’re harmless. Can you help me put them in their beds? I can leave these out on the breakfast table,” Five regained his composure.
“Of course, Five. I love you,” Mom moved to pick up Diego. Five had always suspected that if Mom could pick favorites, she would have picked Diego. Five picked up Klaus and started the trek upstairs. Klaus’s room was near enough to his own. If he had any less self control, he would go into his room and hide under the covers like the scared little boy he felt like at the moment.
Dolores. I have to go back for Dolores, was the mantra keeping Five going. Without her, he would stay here, but he couldn’t leave her behind.
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Diego woke up feeling strangely tired. He remembered going to bed pretty early and then falling asleep super quickly. He went through is morning routine and then reported downstairs for breakfast.
“Hey Diego, look,” Vanya tossed him a wrapped package, “Mom says that they’re presents for us!”
Diego had never seen her with so much emotion on her face. Usually Vanya was as mild as flour. Today she was a chocolate chip. He tore into the present. It was a set of butterfly knives in a fancy black case. They were beautiful.
Luther was holding a model plane set. Allison had a makeup kit. Makeup was contraband. Klaus was holding a set of nail polish. Five had a large book with tiny print in his hands. Ben was given a set of classic literature. Vanya was holding a tuning fork. Out of all their presents, hers was the worst. Vanya owned many electric tuners and far nicer tuning forks.
“Good morning, Mom,” Diego greeted. He was ecstatic. He said that without stuttering!
“Good morning, dear,” Mom kissed him on the cheek. Diego preened. She only called him ‘dear’! It was a very good morning for him. Vanya waved at Pogo.
“Good morning, Miss Vanya,” Pogo walked into the kitchen to grab his breakfast.
“What would you want with such a boring book?” Klaus poked Five in the face.
“What would you want with such boring paint?” Five poked back harder.
“More importantly, what would Diego want with more knives?” Klaus and Five laughed together at his expense. They were leaning against each other like they did after missions. Because Diego was actually happy with his knives, he let them laugh. Besides-
“Boys, be nice to your brother,” Mom would take care of that for him.
“Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Diego,” Klaus and Five said together in perfect, monotone unison.
Diego decided to just toast his orange juice at them.
In a time and place far, far away, Agent Five was erasing records and evidence the best he could. He would go home to his wife and he would cry on her shoulder like he had many, many times when he missed his siblings.
Not that Diego would know this. Not unless Agent Five told them in a couple years. Five was close to figuring out how to get home to his siblings. Only this time, he wanted it to be for real.