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How it must feel to be a bird,
Roaming lonely over sea air?
How it must feel to be a bird?
London, Paris underneath; and I'll wait on my own
Warm summer breeze came over Loki and particles of sand danced all around him, getting on the blanket he was lying on. Two birds were flying over his head in lazy circles, minding their own business and paying no attention to the world beneath them. Dark-haired prince watched their dance, studying their movements and each shift of the wing when a bird changed the direction of its flight.
He breathed in salty air, tasting it on his tongue and savoring the pureness of the breeze. It was calm here, peacefully, unlike the heart of the city - bursting with noises and rumors and screams of angry men, too occupied with themselves to see how lost and sad they were.
Loki chuckled at that thought, and a figure lying next to him shifted slightly. He glanced at her, with her hair spread around her head like a halo, ensuring that she was, indeed, his angel. He reached his hand to move a strand out of her face and she smiled at his touch, moving closer to him. With her sweet aroma in his lungs, memories filled his mind.
Wasn't it love as soon as we knew each other properly?
Living about half right till a certain person got to me
Nothing is secret, everything’s sacred, how it ought to be
Under the moonlight on a clear night, on the rooftops is where I want to be.
This wasn’t right, Loki thought while marching angrily through Asgard’s golden corridors. This wasn’t right. That weird feeling in his chest, those peculiar images rushing through his mind, the pictures. Pictures of her.
A few weeks have passed since Thor had brought a mortal girl from Earth. When Loki saw her the day of her arrival she seemed scared, uneasy in the presence of strangers surrounding her, spending most of her time in her chambers. When she would leave, she’d walk with her head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone she would meet along the way, with her hands shaking and her breathing unsteady.
Loki saw her from time to time, moving like a shadow, with her hair flowing behind her as she disappeared quickly, unseen and as anonymous as she could be. He followed her once, out of pure curiosity – or so he thought at that time – and caught a glimpse of her behind the doors to the grand library. A smirk crawled on his face and he shook his head and entered the room full of silence and ancient volumes. He breathed in the familiar scent of paper and pages being turned by hundreds of hands, the books welcoming him like an old friend. He stood there for a while, listening carefully, before disappearing between the tall bookshelves, turning into one of the shadows and walking without making a single sound. This was his kingdom and he knew every inch of it.
He found her almost instantly, hurled up on a small sofa by one of the windows. She had a big tome on her knees, and she turned each page carefully, studying the language she did not know. But this didn’t seem to preoccupy her, as her fingers traced the letters, her mind absent. He wondered where it went.
He’d continue following her to the library, and he soon realized it was the place she favored the most. He never showed his presence, afraid to scare her away and destroy her safe place. She was a completely different person when she thought no one was watching. Her shoulders were relaxed, with no sign of tension, her movements confident and elegant as she reached for another tome, almost dancing around the library. He caught her humming songs while going through yet another row of books, and he couldn’t help but smile fondly at her happiness. He regained his composure quickly, straightening his back and cursing at himself for having sympathy for a mere mortal. That day he stormed out of the library, not caring about the sound of his angry steps on the carpeted floor. And someone heard them.
Days later he found himself marching back to the library, although he swore to himself that he had better things to do instead of spying on a human. He stood in his usual place, still deep in thought, and he only noticed that the spot on the sofa was empty when he felt someone tap lightly on his shoulder. He turned swiftly and faced her. It was an odd feeling, being so close to her after observing from afar for so long, and for a brief moment he got lost in her eyes.
“Hello.” They both smiled in surprise after greeting each other at the same time.
“Would you like… To join me, perhaps? It must be uncomfortable to just stand here.” She tilted her head, glancing up at him with a smirk in the corner of her lips, and Loki somehow knew what it meant – that he wasn’t so good at hiding after all. Or maybe he didn’t want to hide from her specifically. He nodded and followed her to the sofa, where they spend the rest of the day talking and laughing. Then the day turned to night, weeks to months, and they never stopped smiling.
Until she had to leave.
Sometimes I'm like a child, that's something I can't release
Dreams of her coming home, sweet home, and I'm telling you home's so sweet
Said you reminded me of the summertime and I still mean that
In the full room I'm the only one she's smiling at
He stood in the corner, watching people eating, chatting and dancing, wine being poured in a constant stream into various cups. Asgard’s parties were famous for lasting for days, when one would forget about all troubles and let go of all problems. But no amount of wine, pretty women or his brother’s loud and honest laughs could make Loki feel even slightly better. He soon removed himself from the center of the crowd, escaping Thor’s encouragements and another wine glass and hid in the shadows, almost morphing with the wall.
Just like he used to do in the library.
Loki sighed, shaking his head and trying to free himself from the painful memories. They weren’t necessarily bad, since he couldn’t recall the last time he has been this happy. The day that tore him to pieces was the day Thor showed up, all nervous and in a rush, informing them both that she had to come back to Earth immediately. He explained everything quickly, and she nodded, knowing that the moment would come. She wasn’t supposed to stay on Asgard forever, and she knew that from the day she arrived. He knew that as well, but he had rejected that thought for as long as he could.
Loki started making his way through the crowd to get away from all the noise, when suddenly he felt something new in the air. There was now a familiar presence in the room, and he stopped abruptly, scanning the people surrounding him. And there she was.
The difference between her behavior when she first arrived on Asgard and her entering now struck him immediately. She walked confidently, with her head up and her back straightened, and she was focused, searching for something, or someone. Her gaze passed Odin, Frigga, saw Thor surrounded by friends. And then she saw him. And she smiled. Loki never would have thought that a smile could end him. He turned away and disappeared amongst the crowd.
So wouldn't you let me know if you were thinking less of me?
That's what she asked me, what was promised, what we both agreed,
But truthfully, if you ever go you'll drop me straight to Hell's 7th circle
And I was talking with you earlier, we were open and vulnerable, it was wonderful.
“Loki?” He felt her behind him before she even spoke. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to face her.
“Hi.” There it was, that cursed smile again, the one that melted him from the inside and made his heart burs with anger and chaos and sadness and euphoria, all at once, until there was nothing left of him, only her and her warm hands and gentle words. His head started spinning. A smile died on her lips.
“Are you alright? Hey?” Her arm outstretched and her hand rested on his shoulder, her eyes searching for his.
Loki’s body shivered at the touch he was craving for so long and he stepped back, freeing himself from it.
“You are back,” was all he could say at that moment, and then his lips were sealed. She was baffled as her hand fell back to her side.
“I thought you’d be glad I was.” His heart broke all over again when he heard the sadness in her voice, but his own failed him and he remained silent. They stood there for a moment, both desperate for a different kind of a reunion. He was angry at himself, angry at his own words betraying him and stopping him from telling her all his feelings and thoughts, just like they used to in the comfort of the library. She was confused, hurt, thinking that what they had was something more than Loki showed now. Was it something she’s done? Or did he simply get bored and moved on?
It must have been it, she thought.
“I’ll go then.” She spoke quietly, her voice weak, resigned. Broken.
I used to dream that you would talk to me
I used to dream that you would talk to me
“Wait.”
She stopped, her head down and tears forming in her eyes, her back turned to him. If she turned to face him in that moment she’d see all the emotions rushing through his face, his hands and jaw clenched, his whole body tensed. If she turned she’d see the moment he gave in and let it all out, dropping his mask and breaking all the walls he’s build over the weeks of her being gone. She’d see him rushing to her, not caring about anything in the world but her. When he embraced her, relief filled his heart, her scent surrounded him, and her familiar warmth finally stopped the cold creeping into his troubled mind. She choked on her tears, only now realizing how empty her world was without him, and turned in his arms to kiss him. They could both taste salty tears that spilled from their tired souls.
“I have missed you terribly. Oh, I am so sorry, love. Please, forgive me.” He buried his face in her hair, breathing her in, finally feeling that peace he has been craving.
“I thought you’ve forgotten me.” She was relieved, her heart slowing down, her fear slowly leaving her body as he took her face in his hands and rested his forehead against hers.
“You are the one thing in this world I would never let myself forget.”
Their second kiss was sweet, tender, gentle, their embrace long and warm, their words quiet. They then disappeared for a few months, letting Thor know that they were fine from time to time. The happiness and freedom was finally theirs to enjoy.
They returned to Asgard just in time to see Odin fall and to experience Hela’s fury.
And then came Thanos.
You know that feeling when you think your heart is gonna come right out of your shirt?
I get it a couple times a year, but I've been getting it more often with her.
When cold fingers grabbed his throat and the titan lifted him up, Loki wasn't scared. But Thor was, and so was she. He could see it in their eyes, pure terror, worry, and fear, and it was his fault. Tears streaming down her face were a proof that there was nothing she could do but stand there, held down, and stare at the horrors unraveling in front of her. The pain on his brother’s beaten face meant he could do nothing but watch as Thanos squeezed the last bit of air left in Loki’s tired lungs.
But Loki wasn’t scared.
Now that I'm face to face with death I'll grab his throat and ask him
"How does it hurt?"
Up in those golden moments, growing old too quickly
Was he thinking of her?
I am dying as a happy man, he thought. He wasn’t scared, he wasn’t grieving that his own life was ending, and deep down, even though he knew the chances were slim, he hoped her life would continue. He hoped Thor would make it out alive and take care of her, that he would gather all the broken pieces and help her put them back in order. He hoped she’d be broken for a while, but that she would eventually find love again.
If fate decided he was worth of it, she most definitely was.
He looked at her one last time. Damn, she was beautiful.
Goodbye, my love, he thought. We’ll see each other again.
Goodbye.
And I couldn't tell you enough that I'm sorry.
And oh, you couldn't tell me enough that you love me.
But she's bringing the moon and stars to me, damn permanent reverie;
And even though this life, this love is weak, I've got some people who carry me.