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"Oiiiiiii, Kudo!" Heiji slurs. Conan winces at the volume, pulling the phone away from his ear.
"Hattori, it's 6 in the morning, shouldn't you be asleep?"
"Nah. Woke up an hour ago cuz I had a cold."
"That doesn't sound like just a cold."
"Weeeeell," Heiji coughs the further he drags the word out. "I mighta took a little somethin for it."
"You sound drunk."
"..."
Oi, oi.
"Maybe jus' a little."
Conan vaguely remembers that first encounter when Heiji'd given him a cup of paikaru- he'd presented it as a cure for a cold, hadn't he? Did he actually believe that crap?
"Oi, Hattori, how much of that stuff did you have?"
"Not a lot." He hiccups. "At first."
"At first?"
"Well," comes the drawl. "I was feelin mostly better after a cup."
Isn't that just because you were drunk?
"And then I got to thinkin."
Oh lord.
"If!" He starts, emphasizing the word like he's about to start a deduction show. "This stuff makes ya big again when yer small,"
Conan thinks he knows where this is going and feels himself preemptively pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Then drinkin it when yer already big'll make ya…"
"Make you…?" He prods, dreading the answer.
"Double big." Heiji finishes with the weight of a declaration that someone is the culprit.
"Double big." He finds himself repeating dryly.
"Yeah, double big." He pauses to cough. "But fer some reason it's not workin."
"Hattori. I'm going to be generous and assume to your good credit you'd never come up with this when you're sober."
"Hey! I'll have ya know-" He's interrupted by a loud slam of a sliding door opening.
"Heiji!" Kazuha's voice is distant in the phone speaker, but far from faint. "Yer mom told me ya had a- Oh hell, are ya drinkin that stuff again?"
"It works!" Conan hears him whine, starting to form the idea that this isn't just a one-time thing.
"No, it doesn't! I'm not gonna be the one responsible when you grow up to be an alcoholic!"
"Only when I'm sick." He lets out a delirious little giggle and leans closer to the phone, whispering now, "Oiii, Kudo. Now's the perfect time, dontcha think?"
"For what?"
"For, ya know." His lips must be pressing against the mic with how invasive his voice is. "My con-fess-ion."
"Hattori wha- No, just no. Don't do it.
"Whyy?" He's infuriatingly smug for someone who probably can't even walk in a straight line right now. "Don't tell me yer… jealous?"
"Wh- No! I'm trying to save you from doing something you'll regret."
"Pshh, yeah right. I'm gonna confess double big and yer weak-a*s London sh*t's gonna get run inta the ground."
"Okay, okay." Conan pulls back, realizing being stubborn with an out-of-it Hattori will get him nowhere. "Just make extra sure you're double big before you start or it won't work."
"Yeah, yeah, I know that!" Irritation clear in his rising, increasingly hoarse voice. "What, ya think I'm an idiot or somethin?"
Yes. Conan tries not to think about the other ways someone could interpret their conversation.
"Heiji, who're ya talkin to?"
"Just Kudo. He's bein jeeelly."
"Ah, Kudo-kun?" She says, the sound of the phone being snatched from Heiji's drunken grip echoing from the other end. "Sorry ya gotta deal with this idiot so early in the morning."
"U-un." Conan manages to stammer out, trying to imitate his older self's voice without the help of his bowtie on hand. Fortunately, Kazuha doesn't seem to notice, too busy fighting off Heiji's weak protests at the theft of his device.
"I'm gonna go get him a glass a' water. Does him a thousand times better than what he's taking right now.
"Y-yeah."
The phone gets left on the bedside table as she heads for the kitchen, giving Hattori the chance to pick it up and hold it to his ear again.
"Oi, Kudooo. It's not happening."
"What's not happening?"
"The baijiu. It ain't workin yet."
Oh. Yeah. That. It's working plenty .
"Give it some time, Hattori. You'll have a chance to think it over first."
"I can't wait forever, yaknow, Kudo?"
"Oi, don't do anything rash-" But it's too late, hearing the rustle of sheets as Heiji tries to get up.
"Hattori!" The sound of him stumbling against the wall comes through.
"Heiji!" Kazuha shouts from the entrance. "You shouldn't be out of bed yet!" Heiji just coughs in response. Kazuha sets down the glass on the nearest surface and rushes over to catch him before he can fall.
"Ahahaheheh, sorry bout that, Kazuha. You're…" He trails off. The phone clatters to the floor, forgotten.
"Oi, Hattori?" The sound coming from Heiji's phone reaches no one’s ears.
"Kazuha. I wanted to tell ya… fer- fer the longest time, I've been- mfh!"
The sound of mouths brushing. Hattori makes a little shocked noise, then leans into it. After a moment, they pull away.
"I-idiot." Kazuha's voice, uncharacteristically soft. "If yer gonna do it when yer drunk, don't ruin it with words first."
"K-kazuha…"
Conan listens to the subsequent noises for a solid red-faced minute before deciding he'd better hang up.
---
"Oi, Kudo. Did I… call ya yesterday, by any chance?"
"What's this about, Hattori?"
"Ah, nothin much. Kazuha's mad again and I don't remember why. I saw ya in my dial history so I thought ya might have a cl-"
"Nope! Doesn't ring any bells, sorry!"
"Hey, wait a min-"
Click.