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“You are late.”
“But I’m here, right?”
Rin welcomed himself in Haru’s place, since his friend was still busy pouting for his being more than half an hour out of schedule. There was the swimming championship on TV and they had planned to watch it together, but Makoto had woken up with a bad cold and Rin had had issues with trains and a phone out of battery. By the time he’d arrived, Haru had almost been ready to change plans and go for some lazy me time.
“Use this,” the house owner said, tossing a charging cable at Rin and moving then a couple of pillows in front of the TV.
“Weren’t you even watching?” Rin complained, noticing Haru was turning on the TV only then. “I wanted to know what happened so far.”
“You are not that late,” Haru sighed, sitting down. “And I wasn’t going to watch the races, if I was all by myself, anyway.”
“You must watch them.” This time, Rin was the one glaring at his friend. “You’ll be the one there, one day.”
“If so, I’d rather go swimming instead,” Haru shrugged, making his friend snort.
“Phew, they began with backstroke,” Rin said, relieved, after Haru had found the right channel. “I hope Makoto is watching too.”
“He said he would.”
“Perfect.”
“Do you want some tea?”
Seeing Haru ready to head to the kitchen, Rin grabbed his shirt after sitting down. “Oi, stay here now! We already missed the beginning! You could have made tea earlier.”
“You were the one late and I thought you ditched me,” Haru replied, jokingly.
Rin frowned, a bit embarrassed, crossing then his arms and turning towards the TV. “Tea is fine, thanks.”
Haru came back shortly after with two cups of tea and they could finally enjoy the show. Though they weren’t the ones swimming, betting on who was going to win served the purpose just fine and felt challenging enough to make them bicker and compete to their heart’s content even if sitting on the floor.
“Gaaaaah!! I didn’t expect him to lose!” Rin exclaimed, hands through his hair. “This guy is so good!”
“They both are. Water must like them.”
“Yeah, sure,” Rin grumbled at his friend’s weird way of thinking.
“Was this the last race?”
“Ah, yes, looks like it, for today.”
The reporter was in fact confirming that right now.
“Well, that’s it, then.” That said, Haru turned the TV off.
Rin startled and looked at him, disappointed. “Oi! I wanted to watch till the end!”
“It’s a waste of time.”
“Who are you to say so?”
“And boring.” This time it was clear Haru had just decided to piss his friend off.
Rin grinned, jumping over him. “Give me that!”
“Oi!” Haru fell backwards, extending his arm as much as he could to prevent Rin from reaching the remote. “Forget it!”
“They are also going to broadcast a movie in English and I was planning on making you watch it during dinner!” Rin added amused, trying to climb over his friend’s body, despite him keeping him away with one knee.
“Oh no, I really don’t want that,” Haru replied, looking at his own hand, which Rin was closer and closer to.
“Oh, come on!”
The moment Rin managed to grab the remote, they both sprawled on the floor, one over another, laughing. Panting a little bit for that short fight, they just laid there, enjoying the calm in the room.
“How long do you think it will take for us to take part to that championship?” Rin asked, his chin on the tatami, above Haru’s shoulder.
Haru quietly smiled, staring at the ceiling, Rin’s hair tickling his left cheek. “It depends on how many times you try to quit.”
Rin chuckled, amused, pushing up to watch his friend’s accomplished grin. “You are talking about yourself, I guess.”
“Not really.”
Haru propped himself on his elbows to make Rin get up.
Rin, however, remained there, sat on his lap, his hands on the floor. “What about winning Nationals next year?”
“Sounds good to me,” Haru shrugged. “Can you keep up?”
“I was about to ask you the same.”
“As long as I swim ahead of you…”
“Oh, shut up!” Rin giggled, unwilling to let Haru remind him his own words.
“Does that mean you’re gonna let me win all the times?”
“I said shut up! Jeez!”
They both smiled at each other. They had so much to look forward to and knowing they could go towards all that together was always a nice thought.
Haru observed Rin smiling fondly at him. He loved the relationship they had. A chaotic symbiosis, as he had ended up defining it. They couldn’t stay away from each other without finding it stressful, but all that stress was always worth the next reunion. He was really grateful for that.
As he was watching Rin’s serene face in front of him, he wondered if he was also thinking about something like that. Rin wasn’t moving from his spot and, even if Haru was almost starting to find it strange, maybe he was just lost in his thoughts and needed some time, whether he was about to say something else or not. That was their lazy afternoon, after all.
Haru kept smiling at him and staring into his eyes, as to show him he didn’t have to rush, but Rin was definitely taking longer than expected and was giving him such a tender look he nearly felt uncomfortable.
For a moment, he had almost had the feeling he had gotten closer.
…
Wait.
Was that even just a feeling?
He saw him moving even his hand forward on the floor, this time. No, it definitely wasn’t.
His very first reaction was praying that Rin hadn’t noticed he had noticed. He would have gotten terribly embarrassed, otherwise.
And why was that his priority in such a scenario?!
He really didn’t know.
Was he… misunderstanding?
He found somehow funny that the very first thing that had come to his mind when seeing Rin coming closer was that he was about to kiss him. That’s… not exactly something you can take for granted, when you are with your best friend. But all the clues pointed in that direction at the speed of light. And he felt… paralyzed to say the least.
Not a “bad” type of paralyzed. Just a “what am I supposed to do?!” type of paralyzed.
He could feel his own brain answer with a relaxed “so what?” when he tried to make it realize what was probably going to happen more than shortly. They were close enough already as it was. Rin coming even closer, plus with such a gentle expression, left little space for questions. Either that was a very bad joke…
But that wasn’t something Rin could have joked about.
He interrogatively watched him, but Rin didn’t seem to pay much attention to it.
It was a matter of seconds and Haru thought about stopping him by calling his name or asking what he wanted to eat for dinner, for a moment, but… As much as he was wondering why Rin would have wanted to do something like that with him, he somehow… didn’t care? He didn’t know how to explain. He had never kissed anyone before, he didn’t know if Rin had ever done it and he couldn’t see why he should have avoided kissing Rin or what harm a kiss would have done, especially if Rin actually wanted to do that.
At this point, it would have been really hilarious – and strangely disappointing – if that wasn’t what Rin was about to do.
Not that Haru wanted to kiss him, but since they were at it, not going with the flow just felt unfair.
They were almost nose to nose, now. Maybe his heart was beating faster than before, but he couldn’t say he was nervous. Probably because Rin seemed quite sure and confident with his decision.
What was it going to feel like, kissing him? And why did he want to know so bad, right now? That was the weirdest sensation he had ever felt. How had his afternoon gone from a TV program to… this in just a couple of minutes?
When they were finally just a few centimeters apart, Haru sensed Rin hesitating, almost backing off, so he glanced at his mouth for a quick second, hoping that was enough to tell him he didn’t have to stop there, if he was about to stop.
Whether that was necessary or not, Rin at last closed the gap between them. His mouth being slightly open when he approached him, Haru indulged his friend by doing just the same, their lips coming into contact as he closed his eyes, parting after a tiny, almost silent smack. He quietly wondered if even Rin had kept his eyes closed, but he repeated the gesture so carefully that he probably hadn’t. It felt like he was taking his time to kiss him exactly the way he had planned his kiss to be. Could you even plan a kiss? Rin probably could.
In any case, Haru preferred keeping his eyes closed. Aside from something telling him Rin might not want to be stared at in this moment – in his place, he was sure he wouldn’t have liked that very much – he believed he could focus more on his touch, like this.
It was an interesting sensation, so far. Even if his heart was drumming in his ears and he could feel something like a knot in his stomach, he could only describe the overall experience as extremely pleasant.
The third time, he felt Rin tilting his head more to the side and, by the way he was now more surely coming at his lips, he thought he had probably closed his eyes too, now. He kind of wanted to check, but since knowing wouldn’t have changed a thing, not knowing was better.
Parting his lips every time Rin was about to touch them again, Haru followed his movements, just as leisurely, somehow finding breathing out with his nose while their lips were sealed together kind of pleasing, relaxing. Even the slightly wet noise was.
It felt… soft. Rin had a nice scent, his breath felt fresh like the tea they had just had and he tasted… strange, but weirdly good.
Haru’s arms were starting to hurt a bit, since he was still leaning on his elbows, but he didn’t want that moment to end yet. Rin was kissing him slowly and very gently, as if he was trying to explore his mouth, to find out which sensation corresponded to each and every millimeter of his lips. It was clear he was focused on how all that felt just as much as he was.
After the fifth or maybe sixth kiss – he had lost count a while ago, to be honest – Haru sensed Rin backing off for good and as soon as he did he finally opened his eyes. Rin was still pretty close, the shadow of the smile from before on his face, but he looked away very soon, just getting up.
“Shall we have dinner?” he asked, stretching his arms.
Haru stared at him a bit confused, wondering why he was acting as if he had done absolutely nothing, those last… probably not more than thirty, sixty seconds at most, thought they had felt like eternity. A shockingly welcome eternity.
However, he ignored the thought as much as Rin seemed to be doing and stood up as well.
“Sounds good to me. What do you want to eat?”
“You are going to cook mackerel anyway, so what’s the point in asking me?”
“I might surprise you.”
“Idiot,” Rin replied, nudging his friend and following him to the kitchen.
The evening ended as quietly as it had begun, with no mentions of what had happened.
Even the day after, Haru acknowledged, surprised, that nothing in Rin’s attitude had changed at all. No matter how long he stared at him when he wasn’t looking or while they were talking, he couldn’t spot anything that could lead to what he had done. He was starting to wonder if that had happened only in his head, because… something like that just doesn’t happen every day!
Despite it, if Rin wasn’t going to talk, he wasn’t going to ask.
He didn’t even know what to expect. Even something as silly as Rin willing to practice kissing people with him had crossed his mind. That could have qualified as a practice kiss without a doubt, considering how much methodical attention Rin had paid to it.
Haru would have paid money not to think so much about it. He wished he could be ok with a simple Rin wanted to kiss me and he did and that’s it, but time passed, none of them brought up that event again, Rin was acting extremely normal and Haru felt like an idiot for seemingly being the only one so obsessed with it.
As much as he wanted to put that fact in a folder and never open the file again, doing so felt wrong. He was almost mad at himself for wanting to know so bad why the hell Rin had kissed him.
*
An opportunity to shed some light on it came one day, when Makoto visited him. He decided that was the day he was going to ask for his opinion. He didn’t really know how to do it, but he had to try at least.
It was a very uncomfortable subject. Even if Makoto was his best friend, thinking about telling him that strange story was almost giving him goosebumps.
“Aaah, it feels so good, being here under the sun!”
Haru observed his friend dangling his feet sitting on his porch, while putting by his side a glass of cold tea. He couldn’t blame him. Sunset felt pretty nice and warm, that time of the year.
He sat down next to him, drinking his tea. Makoto had asked him to help with the training regime and they had just finished checking it. Another countercheck was due the day after, together with Gou, Rei and Nagisa.
“I can’t look at numbers anymore. I hope Gou likes it or I might cry. What do you think, Haru?”
“Whatever,” was the lazy reply.
“Oi, humour me a little,” Makoto sighed. “Anyway, I think we are improving a lot. Your times are very good, Rei and Nagisa are getting better and better too and I am satisfied enough with mine so far. We might really have good chances, next summer.”
Haru could hear his friend talking, but wasn’t paying enough attention. His eyes pointed at his garden, he was distractedly drinking his tea. How could he start? He didn’t want to make it seem like he needed dating advice. At least, that might not be the case necessarily, as far as he knew. Was it?
He barely avoided shaking his head to chase away such a thought. For now, the kiss matter was more than enough.
What to tell him? And what was he going to say? He had surely never talked about things like that with Makoto. Plus, Makoto had zero experience just like him, so he wasn’t sure he was the best choice, but he had always been able to help, so… it was worth a try.
He stared at the now empty glass in his hands. Next to him, Makoto was still blabbering about times, tournaments and joint practices, but he hadn’t listened to a word of it.
“… so I was thinking we might call the Samezuka team that week and--”
“Makoto.”
“Mh?” his friend replied, sipping his tea.
Haru looked at him, determined. “Kiss me.”
Makoto instantly choked on his drink, coughing quite some times before turning as he wiped his mouth, his face super red. “EEEEH?!!”
Haru brought a hand to the chin, looking down, pensive. “So you wouldn’t do that.”
“O-of course not!!!!” Makoto screamed, exasperated, wondering what was going on in his best friend’s head this time. Haru did look extremely concentrated on whatever he was ruminating on. Was his request more serious than it had sounded, in a – still unknown – way? “W-what happened?” he asked, curious and a little worried.
Haru thought in silence for a bit more, without raising his head. Makoto waited as long as Haru needed to sort his thoughts out.
“You don’t… kiss friends, right?” Haru asked, in the end, still looking at his garden, frowning.
Makoto brought a hand to his neck, slightly embarrassed again. “Well… no… I think?” Then, seeing Haru frown even more at those words, he rushed to add “N-not usually. A-at least in my experience. Maybe someone would, who knows…?” He observed Haru, still intent on thinking. “Can I… ask what’s going on?”
At his careful words, Haru glanced at him. He didn’t know if that was the right thing to do. Was Rin going to get mad, if he told him? He had to risk it. He trusted Makoto and he was sure it was safe to tell him the truth. He really needed to get that off his chest.
“S-someone… kissed me.”
“Huh?!”
Quickly looking at Makoto’s funnily shocked face, Haru turned to the grass again. “Remember… that time you stayed at home with a cold?”
He could almost hear his friend’s neurons rewinding to that day and he could also spot the exact moment he put two and two together.
“WHAT?!! Rin did…?!”
His eyes wide open, Makoto blinked a couple times, while Haru looked away from him, cursing his own cheeks for having become so red.
“I keep thinking about it,” he said, lowering his head. “… and I don’t know what to think of it.”
Makoto observed his honestly worried face. It was clear he had thought about that really long and hard. How to blame him? That was not something that happens every day and he had also noticed absolutely nothing different as far as Rin’s behaviour was concerned.
“I… can’t say I could expect something like this, for sure,” he started. “But at the same time… I can’t say I am surprised about it either,” he added then, taken aback by that very thought.
Haru blinked confused. “Meaning?”
“Well…” Makoto shrugged. “I think you know as much as we all do that Rin really likes you a lot.”
At those words, Haru frowned again. Part of him hadn’t wanted Makoto to confirm what he himself was thinking. “So… you are saying--”
Makoto turned away, a bit embarrassed as well. “He might… like you way more than we thought?”
After that statement, the two friends stayed in silence, observing the garden and clearly trying to process that now particularly real possibility. Something like that happening in their closest circle of friends was indeed a very big deal.
“How… do you feel about it?” Makoto cautiously asked. No matter how well he knew Haru, in this situation he definitely didn’t feel the right to take his feelings for granted.
Probably Haru couldn’t either, because he responded by turning towards him, eyebrows twitching, a very clear and somewhat offended Are you asking me if I’m in love with him? on his face.
Makoto scratched his cheek, looking away. “Well… you… like him a lot as well… right?”
They were evidently very uncomfortable, speaking about such a foreign and unpredicted topic together. That they were both close friends with Rin made everything worse.
Haru, who was by now holding his breath, just let it go, defeated. “I have no clue,” he said, clearly frustrated by his sincere answer. Even any word Makoto had said sounded like an Otherwise you wouldn’t have let him do so. That was indeed true, but…
The thought of Rin as his lover was neither making him cringe, as some guys apparently expect you to do if another guy likes you, nor getting him all excited and happy, as theoretically you should feel if you like someone back, right? He appreciated the no-cringe part, since a thing like that would have made dealing with Rin very unpleasant, probably, but on the other side, even if he was trying to consider Rin’s possible feelings for him and he himself actually reciprocating them… the way he was feeling right now navigated between neutral and kind of curious.
And low-key very anxious. Maybe that was why his heart was fluttering like that, now and then.
Makoto pointing out he liked Rin too, in fact, made him wonder how much, actually. Ok, he was incredibly happy whenever they had a chance to be together and he couldn’t wait to spend time with him, but was that it?
He preferred kicking any answer in the back of his brain for the moment. Rin was already too much to think about.
In the end, anyway, all they had were suspicions, so, having concluded absolutely nothing, they ended up agreeing that the only way to know was to ask Rin.
*
Haru took the chance a few days later and he was very grateful towards Makoto for having invited Rin over in his stead. He was too nervous to do so without acting painfully weird. He didn’t want Rin to find out what he was about to step into. He wasn’t even sure he was really going to ask him. The more he thought about it the more Rin being in love with him sounded absolutely crazy.
Was he just panicking?
The three of them spent most of the afternoon together, but when Makoto went home, a couple hours later, Haru found himself kind of wanting him to stay, for moral support. He also knew he had to speak to Rin alone, so… The moment had come.
Despite that, he felt free to decide when to make the moment happen, so, seeing that Rin had taken a magazine starting to read it at his table, he decided to do the same. Waiting a little more couldn’t hurt, right?
They read in silence for a while. At least, Haru pretended to do so, since he was more than often stealing glances to check what Rin was doing, hiding behind the pages. Once in a while, he did so even if he put the journal down, because he was so distracted by how the heck he was going start the conversation that he was spacing out big time.
And since he ended up being the one acting weird, it was Rin who, at some point, had to look up, dubious.
“Are you ok?”
Haru flinched, raising his head as well, just to blink and go back to his magazine, troubled. “I… might ask you the same,” he mumbled, seeing Rin raise an eyebrow confused, with the corner of his eye.
Putting down the journal again, he turned away, feeling his face getting hot from the tension and his heart racing even more than it had already been doing. “I’m… talking about what you did. That time.”
It took Rin a couple of seconds to get what he meant, but when he did, “Oh…” was everything he could say, while seeing his feeble hopes about Haru having forgotten it all fade into nothing. As if it could have happened otherwise.
They stayed silent for some moments, grabbing their papers as though they could even consider just going on reading and dropping that all.
Haru was the first to give up, putting down the magazine for good with a sigh.
He looked at Rin for a moment. Now or never.
“Do you… like men?” he forced himself to ask, before changing his mind again.
That cold blooded question seemed to upset Rin more than the fact he had kissed him itself.
Even if Haru’s tone was a bit hesitant, meaning he knew he had just asked… quite the thing, Rin could however only remind himself how straightforward and naïve his friend could be and he did his best to act the same. He owed him as much truth as he could give him. And he also felt safe, if it was him, after all.
“I… I…maybe?” He couldn’t avoid nervously scratching his neck, looking away.
In front of that stuttering answer, Haru frowned. “You kissed me. There is no point in being vague, if that’s the case.”
Rin stared at his scolding face for a few seconds, but then he gave out a deep sigh, relaxing. “Point taken.” Haru was being extremely direct, but since he was… well… Haru, it was strangely not irritating. He was never one to mince words and, honestly, Rin appreciated that. The last thing Haru would have done was judging him, moreover for a thing like that. “I’m just… not super sure, to be honest.”
“You go to an all-boys school.”
Another merciless assertion.
Rin glared at him, blushing a bit this time. “S-so?”
“I thought it could be easier to figure things out… in there,” Haru replied, realizing he was maybe being too direct and looking away, a bit sorry.
“It’s not that I fancy anyone in there!!” Rin turned as well, visibly embarrassed. “At most, I happened to think someone was kinda cool!”
Haru was evidently more confused. “So you fancy me?”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!” Rin shouted, overwhelmed by Haru’s innocent expression, slamming his hands on the table while his face caught fire. “God, give me a break!!” he grumbled, crossing his arms and turning towards the wall again. That was surely not how he had expected that evening – or a completely unforeseen coming out – to go.
Silence fell onto them for some moments. One was feeling a bit guilty for all those prying questions, the other for only being able to reply so aggressively. They were both clearly in defence mode. Acknowledging there was nothing they had to take shelter from, between them, was the only way to keep such an after all important conversation going.
Rin sighed again, rubbing his neck uneasy, but doing his best to look at Haru. “Then what about you?”
Haru raised his head, surprised. Yeah, what about him? He had kissed Rin without questions too, at the end of the day.
“I’ve… never thought about it,” he answered, in all honesty. “But… I liked kissing you…” He turned towards the table, blushing a bit. “… if that’s what you mean.”
Suddenly relieved by them sharing the same doubts and confusion – and also grateful for Haru’s frankness – Rin couldn’t help but chuckle. “Does that mean I have hope?”
Haru frowned immediately. “What?”
“O-oi, I’m joking!” Was he, really?
Rin raised his hands in front of Haru’s serious face, but his friend pouted even more, suspicious.
“Are you planning to date me?”
“I’VE NEVER SAID THAT!!!” Rin screamed, his face bright crimson once more.
They stared at each other like that for a bit.
“Why did you kiss me, then?” Haru asked, going back to square one.
Rin flinched. “I-I did it… b-because!!!” And, while sincere, he felt the need to add more, though turning and hiding his face behind his hand. “I… wanted to know how kissing you felt.”
No answer from Haru.
“Or… just to kiss you.” If he had to be honest…
“And the mood was nice,” he added, since he was at it, blushing even more. It had sounded better in his head.
He was ready for Haru to get angry or something, but nothing was happening.
After a few seconds, still no reaction.
Unwillingly, he glanced at Haru without changing position.
That made Haru startle. He was half waiting for Rin to say something else, half thinking very hard about his role in all that. Rin was probably waiting for some kind of answer, though.
“D-did it… live up to your expectations?” he timidly asked. What was with such a stupid question?!
Rin frowned. Though he got redder, he decided it wasn’t fair he was the only incredibly flustered one. “I should ask you the same thing,” he grumbled, crouching even more. “I wouldn’t have done that, had you tried to stop me.”
Those words made Haru indeed blush just as much and he had no choice but realize that by kissing him back he had dug his own grave. He had been curious too! There was nothing else he could have done!
Feeling his cheeks burn, he looked down. “I-it… was good,” he reluctantly replied. What was the point in lying in front of an experience he would have gladly…
No, no! He absolutely didn’t want to do that again!!
They stayed there like that, looking anywhere but at each other, embarrassed beyond repair. After a while, Haru decided the best way out of that was to make Rin even more embarrassed than he was.
“So do you like me?” He did his best to stay serious even if his cheeks were scorching hot and his voice was shaking.
Hearing that, Rin quickly turned towards him, his eyes wide open in desperation and his teeth gritted tight, and it looked like he was about to scream again, but he just opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, uselessly, before surrendering with a panicked “T-there’s a chance, ok?!!”
“Take your time,” Haru replied, still frowning but hiding his face behind his hand as he looked away.
“Y-you too!!” Rin talked back, crossing his arms anew, to remind him they were definitely on the same boat.
“Should we have dinner?”
“Yes, please!!” was Rin’s incredibly relieved and grateful answer in front of that long-awaited escape route from such an nerve-wracking topic.
Still red-faced but set to put what had just happened behind at least for the next two or three hours, they stood up and headed to the kitchen, ready to praise or complain about mackerel as always.
Knowing they weren’t into all that alone was already an enormous relief. No matter the result, figuring things out together would be a nice addition to their top of the swimming world goal. All they needed was trust in each other, which was not lacking for sure. They could make it!
*
Within the first time they met again after that day, however, they weren’t sharing that opinion anymore. As soon as their eyes met when the Iwatobi team arrived at the Samezuka pool, Rin flinched and then a funny glare appeared on his red face, forcing Haru to do exactly the same before quickly looking away with a seemingly offended snort. The only good outcome was that all their friends just thought they had had another fight.
Rin rushed to talk to Makoto about the plans for that day immediately. Haru thanked his decision and also found it hilarious because Makoto was the only one who knew something about them and was observing them carefully.
If only Rin had acted normal, he would have done that too. Maybe.
During training, they managed to behave as usual. Competition was inevitable and thrilling as always, but they could perceive tension even in the water between them nonetheless. The freestyle races they took part to together ended up being less than usual. Maybe the fight excuse was valid even for that.
Haru could feel Makoto’s glance on him, during butterfly practice. The only thing his best friend had asked him about that evening was if it had gone well. Haru’d said yes. It had gone well, right?
Despite that, neither him nor Rin knew what to do with that new knowledge about their feelings and relationship. They were embarrassed and awkward. After having been just friends for so long, finding out they could choose to be… something else, something more was… hard to accept.
“Are you ok, Haru?”
“Yeah, why?”
Haru became aware of how much his eyebrows were scrunched together, as he was staring at Rin swimming, only when Makoto talked to him.
“You look angry.”
“I’m not angry.”
“Did you and Rin have another fight?”
Haru felt his brows furrowing even more. He knew Makoto wasn’t seriously thinking they had had a fight.
He opened his mouth to reply, but in that moment Rin came out of the water and it just so happened that he looked at him while he was talking to his teammate. As soon as Haru saw Rin’s suddenly very uneasy face before he quickly looked away, he felt his own becoming really red and he instinctively stepped back.
“W-we didn’t fight,” he just grumbled, turning, feeling Makoto simply smiling, understanding, while he walked away.
Luckily, things seemed to get better, after that first post-traumatic meeting. The worst moments were unexpectedly the ones when they were not alone. The fear the others could guess and take for granted something they weren’t even completely sure of themselves was nerve-wracking. Haru even told Rin that Makoto knew what he had done, in an attempt to lift that mood, but that just made things even worse whenever Makoto was around, in the nonsensical fear he might ask something. On the other side, teasing Rin for he had to tell the same to Sousuke or his sister ended up being entertaining enough.
Everything considered, their lives seemed to go back to tranquillity within a few weeks.
Something, however, just didn’t feel right.
*
On a Sunday afternoon, Haru opened the door after hearing the bell, finding Rin in front of him. That was no news. After their chat, he had started coming over a little more often than usual, so that they could spend more time together. It was all part of the plan to get to know each other’s feelings better, after all.
They hadn’t done anything in particular to get there, anyway. All they were doing was… spending time together while being conscious of that new thing between them. Not exactly the most relaxing time-killer. And probably not very useful too.
“Do you have many tests next week?” Haru asked, raising his head towards Rin, that was scrolling through a couple of books. They were doing some homework together, that day. Rin’s excellent grades were of great help.
“So do you,” was the seemingly bored reply Rin gave, not even looking away from the text.
“W-whatever.”
“Whatever my ass!” This time Rin glared at Haru. “You should care a little more about your grades. If you end up repeating, I won’t forgive you.”
Haru frowned, feeling guilty. His situation was not that bad, but Rin wasn’t so wrong either. He couldn’t get how he enjoyed studying so much. He was worth admiring, though. Hard worker as usual, always.
Seeing he was being stared at, Rin pouted, blushing a bit and closing his book. “Don’t stare at me.”
“Huh? I’m not staring.” Haru blushed too, acting offended. Ok, maybe he had gotten a bit lost in his thoughts while looking at him. So what?
In any case, Rin looked strangely grumpy, that day. They hadn’t interacted much, Rin had been walking around his house more than he needed to, almost as if he was unsure about where to stop or sit, and it felt as if he was angry at him, but Haru knew he wasn’t. He was just… restless. What was with him?
Not that he could pretend he didn’t know.
Well… not that he really knew, but he was confident enough to guess his attitude had to do with his feelings. Whether he wanted to talk about that more or was just a bit stressed… if that was the case, Haru could relate. Even if he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk.
Since the tension was starting to be a bit too much, he decided to go for some tea. He could clear his mind a bit in the kitchen and tea was always good to lift spirits a little.
“I’m making some tea,” he sighed, then, standing up.
Rin nodded lazily, watching him enter the other room. That whole thing was so stupid. He wanted to talk to Haru again, since they were getting nowhere, by just… being together, but he didn’t even know where he wanted to get exactly.
Some days he was even wondering if he was really in love with Haru, after all. His own feelings felt so crazy he could hardly believe them. Even the day he had kissed him he had just chickened out acting as if nothing had happened, almost successfully convincing himself that that kiss had had no important meaning to him whatsoever.
Now he didn’t know what to do. How do you even date a friend? What is supposed to change?
Well, the answer was obvious enough, but…
How could you expect things to go from friendly to romantic just like that? It was embarrassing, dammit!!
If only Haru showed some support… He wasn’t even sure he was actually feeling something for him. Maybe he had read him wrong. That was a possibility. Maybe Haru was just being kind to him. He didn’t want him to feel out of place, so he had taken his own feelings into consideration too. Something like that…
He found himself on the kitchen doorstep almost without noticing. Was he walking around like an idiot again? Ok, either he was becoming obsessed or he was seriously in love, at this point.
He had to talk to him. He had come here for that. He had to speak or… to do something. Anything.
But what?
He stared at Haru’s back. What he had kicked away just now was not the sudden and overwhelming desire to hug him, right?
Haru could feel Rin’s presence behind him. The fact he was not speaking only made him even surer that he was awfully torn about what to do. You didn’t have to read minds to understand that much.
Why was his attitude making his heart warmer? He couldn’t help but think that such a confused and frustrated Rin looked extremely cute. He didn’t want to define him “cute”, but that was the only way to describe their hopeless behaviour. The fact Rin didn’t make him feel alone in that enormous confusion was cute.
Watching the water starting to move into the pot on the stove, he tenderly smiled.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
Hearing him talk made Rin flinch. “Y-yeah…” he stuttered, realizing he had been found out.
Haru turned, this time. “Are you sure?”
Rin could just look away, blushing, his teeth clenched.
Facing him, Haru became more serious, despite his cheeks getting a bit more coloured. “If you want to do something, just do it.”
Rin balled his fists. Easy to say. What did he have to do? He couldn't even admit to himself what he wanted!
“W-what about you, then?” he mumbled, still looking at the floor. If he was the only one supposed to want something, then…
He forced himself to look at Haru. He was wearing a surprised expression, now, and he seemed a bit lost, taken aback by his question.
“You don't want… anything?”
The sole thought his feelings could be a one-way thing was enough to let him understand he really was far deeper into that than he liked to believe. If Haru happened to say that nope, he wasn’t feeling that way, after all, there was no telling how hard his heart was going to crush.
Haru could easily read those worries onto his face and in his words. What did he have to tell him?
“I…”
Wanting anything?
Like…
He instinctively checked him out from head to toe, as if he could find some kind of answer on him. He knew what Rin meant. It wasn’t hard to guess and he knew Rin really wanted to be closer to him in a special way.
But what about him?
Why was Rin always pointing out things for him?
Because he had deliberately shut out those thoughts from his head, that was why. He was scared of what “being closer” could mean. How not to? The simple thought of something like a hug, of touching Rin in any way, even just a pat on his shoulder, could make his body tingle. Just thinking about it now, in front of him, he could feel that desire rising, yet he was fighting it with all his might.
So yes, he could definitely get what he meant.
Plus, there were suddenly so many options he felt confused.
“I…” he repeated, turning to a side as his face became redder.
Even kisses. What about those? Rin had already kissed him once. Absurdly enough, that was how all this had begun. But just thinking they could choose to kiss more, out of their own will, because they wanted to was short-circuiting his brain.
“W-whatever,” he ended up saying, facing the stove again. His heart was about to destroy his ribcage, he was sweating, he was feeling so hot. How could you even voluntarily do something that was going to make all that even worse? So much effort! Too much effort!
The water was boiling, by now. Staring at those bubbles was just making his will to run to a pool as fast as he could even stronger. He did his best to just take some tea leaves and pour a bit in his teapot.
That wasn’t right.
Rin was struggling all by himself and he was “supporting” him while pretending Rin’s feelings were stronger than his own. That lie was so big that finally calling it a lie made him feel a thousand times lighter in a second.
He liked Rin. So much he didn’t know what to make of it.
He was feeling his presence, still next to the door. He couldn’t leave him there without an answer, now.
Even if his face was still scorching hot – and it had nothing to do with the boiling water he was still staring at – he timidly held his right hand behind him, without a word.
Rin widened his eyes when he saw it. Haru was reaching for him. He’d been there, steadying himself with all his might to get ready for the chance Haru could reject him and instead…
He was so moved by that simple gesture that he was about to cry. Or shout. Or… anything, really.
He barely touched Haru’s skin, before lightly grabbing his fingers. He could hardly believe he had really been given the right and chance to do so.
Haru felt his hesitation. If that was a “too good to be true” moment, they were definitely sharing the feeling. While pouring some water into the pot, without turning, he just tangled their fingers together, pulling Rin a little closer.
That felt so perfect.
They remained like that, enjoying such little but comforting contact for a few moments, till Rin couldn’t resist anymore and just bumped his forehead on Haru’s shoulder, keeping him closer with his free arm as they both tightened the clasp around their hands.
Why had they even waited for so long? They really were idiots.
Such statement was confirmed by how red their faces were when they let go, minutes later, minutes during which they were also wondering what they had to do now, and all the different possibilities just left them both with almost glowing cheeks. The tea excuse had never been so relieving before. No matter how much they craved for more couple-like things, just admitting it had been exhausting.
Rin stayed for dinner and making food together diluted their tense mood even more. Even such a simple activity was already feeling different.
That day was another first. Now they were sure they wanted to be together. They had to get a grip of that whole situation, but from now on it was certainly going to be easier. One step at a time, the biggest one most probably already marked as done. They could make it. They were going to.
“Goodnight, then.” Rin was standing on the doorstep, his eyes pointed at the wood frame, his hands in his tracksuit jacket pockets and his hood on his head, more to hide from Haru, rather than because of the chilly air outside.
He was sulking and his face was red again. Now that all the – truth to be told – pretentiously nonchalant chit-chat from dinner time was gone, all that was left was the same awkwardness they had so hardly left behind while cooking.
“Goodnight,” Haru timidly replied, noticing his companion’s state of mind and sharing it completely.
They both felt like they had to say something else to break the ice, but what could they say? What were they supposed to say? Or do? Saying or doing anything after such a day – or even just staying there in silence, honestly – was going to lead to more unwanted blushing in any case.
Haru tried to stare at Rin and wait for him to say something anyway. His friend was continuously checking if he was still being stared at. He was kind of funny.
They both waited a bit longer, god only knew what for, till all that staring finally made Rin angry. He grabbed Haru by the collar of his shirt and pulled him into the kiss he had been longing for for the past… well… Speaking of something as short as hours or days here would have been an understatement and while Rin had to admit as much to himself, an at first surprised Haru could read it onto his face when he let him go, which brought him to ball a fist in front of his mouth to choke a laughter.
“Shut up!!!” Rin screamed, as angrily as he could, face on fire as he turned tail and stomped towards the station.
Yes, that was going to be awesome.