Chapter Text
Naruto didn’t see it coming. Nine years together and he didn’t notice anything had changed. The moment she said she didn’t love him anymore; he felt his heart shatter. He couldn’t breathe. He felt his lungs constrict and every negative thought he had ever considered overwhelmed him. Nine years and suddenly it was over. She might not love him anymore, but his feelings hadn’t changed and that made it all the worse.
Naruto wasn’t lucky enough to have a day off after having his heart ripped out of his chest. He was a teacher at the academy and there were no subs available so after a night of no sleep, numerous tears and terribly dark thoughts, he dragged himself to work, stuck his best smile on his face and tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. He honestly couldn’t decide if it was better that she broke his heart the night before a war games tournament where each class had to compete in a series of challenges and teachers were merely supervising or if having to teach all day would’ve eased his pain. Either way he knew the day would drag on and his mind would wander to darker places, places so dark even Kurama couldn’t reach him.
As he greeted his class, putting all his effort into keeping his voice strong and his emotions concealed, he realised that he was going to have to pretend not just for his students but for the staff. He didn’t want to show any weakness and heartbreak is a huge vulnerability. Calling his roll before taking his kids to training ground 1 for the first obstacle, his most troublesome student Daisuke called out rather abruptly “Sensei you look like crap today”. Naruto tried to hide his cringe but Daisuke clearly saw it however the student had his own heart-breaking back story just like Naruto and knew when he shouldn’t draw attention to situations and decided to distract his classmates by turning it into a joke “just kidding Sensei, I bet you’re just worried about the war games. Don’t stress Sensei, we got this.” Naruto let out the breath he had been holding “Right you are Daisuke, I have nothing to worry about. You guys will do great, believe it.” He quickly finished the roll and gave his students a rundown of the first challenge; an obstacle course.
As he watched his students work through the first challenge, her words were on a constant loop in his mind “I just don’t love you anymore... It’s not you, it’s me... I just need some space... I don’t know what’s changed but I don’t when I wake up next to you, I don’t wanna hold you anymore... I don’t want you...” Naruto clenched his fists, nails digging into his palms. He knew he had broken the skin, but it did little to ground him. He felt his heart racing, his eyes watering, his breathing shallow and his body shaking. He couldn’t help the reaction he was having; it came in the same way it had last night. He felt himself breaking. She was his centre, the sun that he orbited. She had found him when he was at his lowest, seen him when no one had. He thought he had gotten better, worked on himself so he could survive on his own, but he was wrong. He couldn’t do this without her and with every beat of his heart, he heard his old pattern of thinking echoed in one word: worthless.
He felt an ich he hadn’t felt this strong in years. He wanted to rip his skin open and watch the life leave him and leak into the ground. He had felt despair over the years, their relationship wasn’t perfect, but he hadn’t felt it in earnest like this since he was 16. Two years before they got together after he lost his innocence.
**Flashback**
Naruto was naïve and took any scrap of kindness shown towards him and tried to savour it. He was easily misled by kind words and subtle affections, that how he found himself completed ruined.
He hadn’t been dating the other boy for long. He felt warmth in the boys embrace and believed every word he was told. Empty promises and whispered affections. He was having a rough time with people he thought were his friends began telling him to go die. That made it so easy for the other boy to fool him. He needed a light in the darkness, but he wasn’t a light at all, he was an explosion.
Naruto has tried to overdose on illegal herbs just hours before the other boy came knocking on his door. He answered groggily. “Hey Satoshi, I’m not feeling very well, mind coming back later?” Naruto felt a wave of guilt wash over him, asking his only person to leave but he was barely managing to stay conscious and didn’t want the other boy to know about his activities. “I’m afraid this cant wait Naruto. I need you now.” Satoshi forced his way through the door, closing it gently behind him. He felt strong hands grab him and move him until he was laying on his bed, the other atop him. He kissed Naruto forcefully before he started removing his clothes. Naruto struggled and let out a whimper. Satoshi whipped his head in anger, stopping his advance momentarily as he angrily asked Naruto “Don’t you love me Naruto? You owe this to me. I have given you my time and my affection.”
Naruto felt his head spin, his body was trying to fight off the poisons in his system and he felt afraid of being alone in that moment so he stopped fighting his advances and let the other boy use his body, Satoshi was older (19) and more experienced but he was not gentle. Naruto could feel himself crying but he wasn’t really in control anymore, it was like he had become a passenger in his own life, seeing but not feeling.
Once Satoshi was done, he dressed himself and began to leave. As he stood on the threshold of Naruto apartment, he called back to the still lying figure who had not moved from his position. “I’m done with you now. You will not see me again.”
Naruto was instantly snapped back to his body with those parting words, feeling the extent of his physical pain and now adding the extra betrayal. He reached out for Kurama and took warmth in the foxes embrace, knowing he couldn’t count on anyone to see beyond the surface or to cherish him for who he was. “Hey Kurama, am I going to die?” Naruto asked, knowing the answer already as he felt him fingertips beginning to regain movement. ‘One day Naruto but not today. I’m sorry that happened.’
Naruto felt himself flush in embarrassment, why had he believed anyone could love him heck people couldn’t even tolerate him. He cursed himself as he felt his body recovering and realised how sore he was. ‘There’s nothing that can be done now. My mistake for trusting him. I’ll know better now. I can’t trust anyone.’
** End Flashback**
Naruto felt his own words echoing in his mind now, alongside Hinata’s “I can’t trust anyone...” He knew being alone with his thoughts was a dangerous way to pass the time, so he decided to get a little distance. He quickly asked Iruka if he wouldn’t mind watching his kids for a moment while he ran a quick errand. Iruka had been promoted to deputy principal and was around during the wargames to supervise and monitor. Iruka nodded, noticing something wrong with Naruto but not wanting to push right now. He made a mental note to catch up with him at the end of the day.
Naruto wasted no time quickly walking away. He kept walking in a daze until he found himself wandering the dimly lit escape tunnels which were only used during an attack. He stopped moving, taking a moment to just breath before slumping down against the wall. He looked at his hands, noticing the angry red crescent shapes he had created and feeling a familiar itch draw his attention further up his wrist.
He rolled up the sleeve of his Jounin uniform and grabbed a kunai. He took a moment to really think about what he was doing, think about how hard it was to break this habit in the first place and consider whether this was a road he was willing to walk down again. He thought of the shame he had to endure when he first told Hinata about the cuts. She was understanding at first but the more times he slipped, the less understanding she had become. In a way, he harshness and disappointment helped him break the habit. He learnt other ways to cope instead but right now he didn’t care. She didn’t love him anymore, cutting himself wouldn’t affect her at all. She wouldn’t care. She didn’t want to touch him or talk with him. She wanted her space. She wanted him gone. It didn’t matter what he wanted apparently because she was causing all the shots. He could feel his thoughts becoming more fatal and decided if he started now, at least he was still in control and would make horizontal cuts. He knew himself, if he kept thinking, he would turn the kunai the other way.
He made a cut for each sentence that broke his heart. “I don’t love you anymore” *Cut* “I don’t want to hold you anymore” *Cut* “I need space” *Cut* “I don’t want you” *Cut* “I don’t want you” *Cut*“I don’t want you” *Cut*“I don’t want you” *Cut* “I don’t want you” *Cut*“I don’t want you” *Cut* “I don’t want you” *Cut* “I don’t want you” *Cut* “I don’t want you” *Cut*.
He made so many cuts, his wrist was bleeding freely, and he hadn’t the foresight to bring something to clean up the mess he had made in the tunnel. He did however feel more grounded. The echoes had stopped, and he could once again feel Kurama’s strong presence. ‘Hey Kurama’ Naruto thought bleakly, finally able to communicate with his kin. ‘Het Kit, that’s the first time in a while I haven’t been able to reach you. You doing okay?’ His demon sounded genuinely concerned. Their relationship had become quite strong over the years, but Naruto’s mind had a way of forcing Kurama out when his thoughts became overwhelming. It wasn’t something conscious and Naruto couldn’t control it. It often happened when he needed his friend most.
‘Not really Kurama. I'm actually really bad. She doesn’t love me anymore...” Naruto felt numb thanks to the cutting, but it still hurt to think the words. ‘You will get through this Kit; this is not how your story ends’ ‘Maybe Kurama. Right now, it feels like the end, but we will see.’
Naruto decided he should get back to his class. He wrapped his bleeding wrist with one of the bandages he carried and used another to clean the blood he had spilt. He walked back to the first task only to find his class had completed two rotations since he had disappeared. He felt his checks redden. He was gone for much longer than he thought and knew he would have to explain himself to Iruka later. When he finally found his class, Iruka gave him a wary smile and spoke softly so no one could overhear “My office at 3.” Iruka walked away without another glance and Naruto felt his stomach drop. He had a couple of hours to think of an excuse, but he didn’t really want to lie to Iruka. He was the first person to look at him like he wasn’t a monster and he didn’t want to do anything to tarnish that bond.
Naruto tried to focus on his class during their last event. It was a game of capture the flag. He felt a small amount of pride well in his chest when he noticed that Daisuke had assumed command of his team and was laying out the tactics for their successful victory. He was a natural leader that kid, but he often misbehaved because of his insecurities. Naruto had a soft spot for him, and he knew Daisuke was much better for Naruto than any other teacher. He honestly believed it was because he didn’t see him as a problem, he saw him as a student who needed a little more guidance than the others.
His classes victory was quick, quiet and brilliant. He watched in awe as his little ninjas moved across the terrain as a unit. Every student has a purpose and a specific set of instructions. The other team didn’t see them coming. They captured the flag with no ‘causalities’ and accomplished it in a record time. Naruto was proud but also slightly deflated that he needed to put on that fake smile again and entertain his students for the last half hour of the day.
As they walked back to their classroom, Naruto floated to the back and Daisuke walked next to him. “Don’t worry Sensei. I know you aren’t feeling well today so I’ll keep command of this team until the bell goes. You just sit back and relax.” Daisuke ran to the front of the class and waited at the door until everyone had lined up. Naruto looked on stunned. He couldn’t believe what was happening, but he was grateful that all he had to do was smile. It became easier as he saw Daisuke keep the class in check.
Daisuke stood on the teacher’s desk at the front of the class and drew the kids’ attention. They were all silent, either waiting for Daisuke’s instructions or waiting for Naruto to yell at Daisuke for standing on his desk. Naruto simple waved at Daisuke to proceed and took a seat at the back of the class.
“Alright team,” Daisuke used a commanding tone, “Grab out your mini whiteboards and write the thing you think was most important about today that made us win. Once you finish, hold your whiteboard up so I can see it.” Everyone did exactly as he asked. Once the last child had shown Daisuke their board, he motioned for them to turn them so Naruto could read their answers. Every single student had written ‘teamwork’. Naruto felt pride and was sure Kakashi-Sensei would be proud as well.
Daisuke then began asking students to share one they had today, just one sentence to summarise. Naruto couldn’t focus with his eyes, so he leant back in his chair and looked at the sealing. His mind had started making noise again, so he had to really try to hear his kids’ answers. As the first one rang out Naruto started to think that maybe Daisuke was directing this lesson at him, but he shook his head and really focused on listening.
“Being a ninja means relying on others.”
“You can’t win on your own.”
“You are vulnerable when you are alone.”
“Climbing obstacles is hard without help.”
“I succeed when I ask for help.”
“Being alone isn’t fun.”
“I celebrate with my friends.”
“Other people help me improve.”
“If I don’t know what to do, there is always someone I can ask.”
“Without my team I would be alone.”
The answers all started to blur together in Naruto’s mess of a mind until Daisuke gave his statement; “It’s not a weakness to rely on others and ask for help.”
The bell rang seconds after Daisuke’s declaration and true to his word, he dismissed the class and waited at the front for Naruto to approach. “Thanks for all your help today Daisuke. I couldn’t have made it through today without you.” Naruto felt bashful as he thanked his student, but Daisuke did something completely out of character and wrapped Naruto in a small embrace. “I don’t know what is going on with you Sensei but make sure you remember that teamwork is important. Don’t try to do this alone.”
Naruto gave him a confused look. “I noticed you disappeared for a while today. You aren’t alone. I may only be a kid, but I’ve seen enough pain to know when someone is in it. I hope you are feeling better tomorrow, being a teacher is exhausting.” Daisuke gave Naruto a precious smile and a wink as he left the classroom. He felt a little better knowing that his students valued him, but he looked at his watch and noticed it was ticking closer to 3pm with every second. He couldn’t be late or Iruka would be even madder. He didn’t bother grabbing anything before he locked and left his classroom. Marking could wait.
Naruto arrived in Iruka’s office at exactly 3:01. He couldn’t bring himself to rush, but his slow pace had cost him. The usual two-minute walk had taken five as he felt himself wading through cement. He knocked lightly on the doorframe to get Iruka’s attention before entering the room and sitting across from his former teacher. He had always been in trouble as a kid but something about this meeting had him highly anxious.
“Naruto, good to see you.” Iruka started in a light tone, unsure how to proceed. Naruto was no longer a student; he had grown up and Iruka had to refrain from speaking to him like he used to. “How is everything?” Iruka wanted to facepalm himself as soon as the words left his mouth. Obviously, things weren’t good otherwise Naruto would not have disappeared for half the day and returned looking pale and dazed.
“Sensei...” Naruto could barely find anything to say as his mind swam with the words his students had said. One thought surfaced above the rest, loud and true and Naruto clung to it as he took a deep breath: “It’s not a weakness to rely on others and ask for help.” Naruto bit his lip trying to word this correctly. He had never been good at asking for help. When he was little, asking for help was asking for a beating. By the time he was six, he stopped asking and tried to figure things out for himself. But his students were right, he could ask for help and rely on others. At least he felt like he could rely on Iruka.
“I’m not okay...” Naruto manged to force the words from his lips as he felt his breathing become strained. Iruka was quick to rise from his seat and shut the office door. This was obviously a private family talk not a workplace conversation. Iruka took the seat next to Naruto and placed his hand on his shoulder in silent support.
Naruto tried to take another deep breath so he could continue. That first sentence should have been the hardest, but it wasn’t. “H-Hinata said she,” he paused as his eyes filled with tears. He began digging his nails into his palms once more, “didn’t love me anymore...” Naruto felt his head droop as the words escaped his lips. Iruka knew how much Naruto loved her, they had been engaged for years, waiting for the perfect time to marry but they were in no rush because Naruto was certain they would always be together. Iruka reached out and drew Naruto into a hug as he lost control of his tears and began sobbing.
“Naruto, I know it hurts right now and I don’t want to push you, but I need to know why you disappeared today. You aren’t in any trouble and it won’t affect your job, but I need to know how bad it has gotten up here.” Iruka gently pointed to Naruto’s forehead. Naruto couldn’t find the words he needed so instead he offered Iruka his bandaged wrist. It was nothing the man hadn’t seen before; he had helped Naruto through some of his darker moments during the academy and had cleaned many of his self-inflicted wounds. Back then he had been a child who didn’t know how to cut properly. Now he was a ninja who knew exactly how to cut. These were much deeper and more precise.
Naruto only managed to choke out two words as Iruka examined the damage “I’m sorry.” Iruka looked him in the eyes, tears mirroring his own. Iruka counted the cuts and took note of the depth. He looked concerned but true to his word, he didn’t yell like other had before. There was no judgement from Iruka, just a quiet sadness like he knew what it felt like to rip open your own skin and watch your life flow out.
Iruka cleaned and rebandaged the wound before asking if Naruto wanted to take the rest of the week off. He didn’t think idle time was what Naruto needed but he had to offer it. “I would rather be here with my students. They help keep me grounded. They are pretty wise for 10 years old.” Naruto felt a small smile pull at his lips and Iruka knew Naruto needed to be here. The true danger of his mind lies in the moments where he has nothing else to focus on. So work was a good distraction and missions would help. Iruka only had one question left before he was done, and Naruto would be free to leave. “What are you gonna do Naruto. You two took out a pretty big loan to buy that house and it’s not exactly a great market to sell right now.” Iruka asked genuinely concerned for his little brother.
“I don’t know. She said she wanted space so I’m gonna give it to her. The house is big enough that we can exist in the two separate spaces. I’ll move into the guest room and work on giving her room. Maybe I will try talking with her. She tried to be gentle when she told me she didn’t love me, but it still crushed me. I will just have to try to put myself back together in case she decides this is a permanent thing.” Naruto fought the tremors in his hands as he finished speaking, not looking forward to going home and feeling the pain all over again but he needed to sleep. He only just realised he hadn’t eaten at all today and was still not hungry. “Alright Naruto. I’m always here if you need me. Please remember that the next time you feel like cutting. I’m your family and I'm a pretty good listener. Take care Naruto. See you tomorrow.” Iruka reluctantly let him go, concern etched over his features.
Naruto walked home in a daze. He felt a little lighter after confiding in Iruka and could still faintly hear Kurama purring as he rested within his mind. However, he could also hear Hinata saying she didn’t love him anymore in a low steady echo. It wouldn’t be long until it became too loud and overwhelming again. He needed to get home and move himself to the guest room before she got home. He really could deal with another encounter today and he needed to work on getting some if the thought out of his head before he could attempt to sleep.
He made quick work of moving his things, taking mainly the essentials and leaving his other things behind in a hope it would only be temporary. Once he was finished, he grabbed out his journal and wrote out the events of the last 24 hours. The exhaustion had started to weigh on him as he finished his journal entry. The noise in his head had become a low buzz and he couldn’t make out any words. It was nice not to hear that sentence on repeat.
‘Kurama, can I sleep with you tonight? I’m scared of what I might dream about tonight...’ It had been so long since Naruto had asked to sleep in Kurama’s embrace that the demon was shocked. ‘Of course, Naruto. I will always be here for you. Let’s get some rest. It’s been a long day.’
Naruto wasted no time settling his body down into the guest bed while folding his mind into the embrace of Kurama, falling asleep to the rhythmic breathing if the demon fox.