Archive of Our Own

Seungkwan isn’t nervous. Really, he isn’t.

His phone is sat in his hand with unimaginable weight and it seemed to be the only thing keeping him grounded.

He was dressed and ready to leave the apartment on a Sunday, which is already weird enough.

Seungkwan’s normal Sundays included the following: pajamas (duh), cereal for all three meals, and the tv playing Gilmore Girls while he did his homework.

Sunday’s were meant to be easy, to be quiet and simple and, Seungkwan cannot emphasize this enough, quiet.

Today though? It might as well be any other day of the week because Seungkwan was in the tightest pair of light wash jeans he owns and a flattering pink sweater, more importantly his favorite one that he owns.

He is sitting on his fully made bed, on the side that looks out the window. The blinds were open enough to see the road that looked over his apartment parking lot.

From: you know who

12:36: Alright I’m ready

To: you know who

12:37: same, me too.

Five minutes ago, he said that five minutes ago.

Seungkwan closes his eyes and breathes through his nose. The atmosphere around him feels thick and time is slowly starting to stand still.

He opens his eyes. It is windy and cloudy, the world seems to be just as unsure as he is right now. The gray sky casts a desaturated hue across Seungkwan’s face and he thinks that his soul may actually be leaving his body in this moment.

And he definitely knows it did when he hears the front door slam closed.

“Jesus fuck!” Seungkwan squeaks to himself and rushes off his bed to find the culprit of his mini heart attack.

Should he be shocked it was Jeonghan?

“Oh, good afternoon Kwannie. I wasn’t expecting you to be up. Or dressed.” Jeonghan looks up as he places groceries on the kitchen counter.

Fuck, he forgot he was dressed.

“Uh, yeah. I’m just, you know, meeting a friend.” Seungkwan rambles and wishes he just nodded in response instead.

Jeonghan’s eyes flash with excitement and Seungkwan groans inwardly, not this. Not this right now when five minutes ago was five fucking minutes ago.

“A friend? Are you going on a date? Are they coming in to meet your parents?” Jeonghan’s voice twinkles in the air.

“My parents?”

“Me! I’m your mother Seungkwan, do not treat me with such disrespect.” Jeonghan points a carrot at Seungkwan’s face and he doesn’t have time for this.

“He isn’t coming in and it’s not a date okay?” Seungkwan says with no room to argue.

Which of course means: oh please Jeonghan, tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I’m so fucking wrong.

Jeonghan opens his mouth when Seungkwan’s pocket buzzes. The sound echoes in the empty kitchen around the two men and Jeonghan smiles.

“You better check that loverboy.” He smirks and puts the carrot, finally, into the fridge that has been open for way too long. Rest in peace energy bill.

Seungkwan rolls his eyes, but that can’t cover how his hands are shaking slightly when he grabs his phone. His knuckles are pink with a rush of heat.

From: you know who

12:49: Alright I’m here

Okay. Seungkwan isn’t nervous. Really, he isn’t.

“He’s, uh, here, so, I gotta go.” Seungkwan stumbles over his words and Jeonghan nods his head in response, still goddamn smiling.

“Have fun Kwannie.”

He doesn’t respond. Seungkwan instead walks away and puts his shoes on (his favorite, fuck) and double checks that he has his wallet. Because he is going to need it.

Not a date, not a date, not a date.

Seungkwan knew it wasn’t a date, he didn’t even hope for it to be.

But as Seungkwan checks his phone one more time to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, he wonders if everyone knew that fact or if it was truly just him.

He doesn’t want to dwell on that for too long, it would only cause trouble if he did.

Seungkwan walks out of his front door and leaves it unlocked. Jeonghan deserves to deal with a possible robber for what he did scaring the shit out of him.

He walks quickly down the metal stairs of his apartment building. He holds the railing unconsciously due to the fact that he feels like he could throw up at any moment.

He is not nervous, at all. Not even a little bit.

Okay, maybe he is.

When Seungkwan reaches the bottom of the stairs and sees a vaguely familiar red car, he wonders if this is when he is supposed to make a run for it if he was living the life of a movie star.

Before he can even think about doing that, the parked car’s driver side door opens and Seungkwan forgets to breathe. The sun peeks out from the clouds for a second.

Wispy brown hair is what Seungkwan sees first, but then brown eyes meet his own and he feels like he is a kid again.

Seungkwan is walking towards the car without even realizing it, but suddenly the car is only an arms length away and Seungkwan watches him open the passenger doors for him.

“Hey.” Seungkwan says abruptly and the boy, no, man turns to look at him once more.

He is taller than him which isn’t new, but still startling. He smiles with his teeth and Seungkwan feels like he is spiraling into a vast void that he has never been a part of before.

“Hey.” Hansol’s voice is still as sweet as it was months ago, years ago.

Fuck, Seungkwan needs to pull himself together.

Hansol’s car is nice, he thinks, as he puts on his seatbelt while Hansol puts the car in ‘Drive’.

“Thanks, her name is Violet and I think I would do anything for her.” He responds when Seungkwan tells him that he likes the shade of red “she” is painted.

Seungkwan laughs in confusion. Violet? That is supposed to be the color purple, right?

“Violet? Are you sure that was the right name you were going for?” Seungkwan asks and Hansol pulls a puzzled face as they wait at a stop light. It starts to sprinkle and Seungkwan wishes he brought an umbrella.

Hansol turns his head and looks at Seungkwan. The windshield wipers are the the only sound Seungkwan can hear other than his own heartbeat.

“There is another name I was thinking about naming my car, but I can’t remember it. It was sort of like Violet, but not really.” He says and takes his foot off the break when the light turns green.

“Scarlet?” Seungkwan bluntly says and Hansol laughs.

His laugh is still the same.

“Scarlet! That’s it, that’s the one. But fucking Shua said that was a stupid name. Don’t know why Violet is any better, but it stuck, clearly.”

Shua? As in Joshua? Seungkwan hasn’t seen him in years, but now that he thinks about it, Seungkwan doesn’t really know or is even close to hanging out with any of Hansol’s friends.

Hansol doesn’t know any of Seungkwan's friends either, except Minghao.

Sort of.

At the next stop light, Hansol connects his phone to his bluetooth speakers. Light music fills the car and Seungkwan closes his eyes with a smile on his lips. He remembers the day he introduced this song to the younger man.

He wants to say something, anything, about how Hansol could even remember this song after all these years. But Seungkwan can’t seem to let the words come out.

Luckily, Hansol doesn’t see his struggle.

“I can’t believe you’ve never been to the restaurant before. It is at least one of my favorites for pizza.” Hansol starts.

“Sorry that it’s a little ways away, you don’t have anything going on after this right?” Seungkwan shakes his head to signal a hard no.

No, it’s Sunday, who does literally anything, on Sunday.

“Okay, uh, that’s good.” And they drive in silence.

Seungkwan feels relieved in a way. He used to love talking to Hansol about everything and anything; there is a part of him that still does.

But now, he doesn’t really trust what he will say if he opens his mouth.

Hey, I fucked up. I’m sorry. Do you remember? Did you care? Do you care?

So staying silent seems to be the best course of action. It isn’t uncomfortable however because Hansol is playing a song that Seungkwan actually knows and he is driving at the speed limit.

Like always, there really isn’t any reason for Seungkwan not to feel safe with him.

Hansol is probably the safest person he knows, really.

Seungkwan met Hansol when he was twelve years old.

Shockingly, Seungkwan knew of him a lot longer, but it wasn’t until then he actually met the younger boy.

Their mothers knew each other first. They were quite good friends due to being on the same tennis team and playing together as partners for a couple of years.

Seungkwan can still remember listening to his mother talk about ‘Hansol this’ and ‘Hansol that’ for minutes on end about how happy she was when she learned they were in the same grade and would be in the same class.

“You two are going to be the greatest of friends. I just know it!” His mother’s voice was soft and serene, like she knew a secret that Seungkwan would never have the chance of unlocking.

But he does remember how much his mother would use the word fate when talking about them. When he was young, he wasn’t so sure what exactly fate meant for the two of them, but in a way he craved for it.

Because fate meant to be understood, right? If there is one thing Seungkwan knew it was that every person on this planet wants to be known as who they truly were.

He was no different, even if he wished he was, so if this Hansol was supposed to be that for him then, he wanted to know him yesterday.

Seungkwan met him at his own house at the height of summer and it went something like this.

He was having a sleepover at his childhood best friend’s house, Minghao, the night before. They were tucked into bed after having a movie marathon and were filled to the brim with buttery popcorn and skittles.

The lights were off and the tv was playing quiet music in the background to lull the two boys to sleep when Seungkwan’s phone went off.

Seungkwan and Hansol had already seen each other at school (duh, they were in the same class) and were able to trade cell phone numbers at the demand of their mothers before the school year ended.

But they never really texted each other. Until that night when the younger boy’s name flashed upon Seungkwan’s flip phone.

From: Hansol Vernon Chwe

22:23: do u wanna hang out tmrw.

22:24: i can bring my longboard n teach u how 2 ride it if u want?

Seungkwan, like any normal twelve year boy, proceed to freak out.

One: why would Hansol Vernon Chwe want to hang out with him without talking, ever.

Two: was he put up to do this because of his mom?

Three: was he, even worse, put up to this by Seungkwan’s mother?

Four: what?

After having a minor mental breakdown with Minghao who has always thought Hansol liked him (what does that even mean???), Seungkwan finally responds with this masterpiece.

To: Hansol Vernon Chwe

22:37: Sure -Cheese <3

From: Hansol Vernon Chwe

22:39: cheese?

To: Hansol Vernon Chwe

22:40: It’s my txt singature lol -Cheese <3

22:40: Signature! Oops! -Cheese <3

From: Hansol Vernon Chwe

22:43: lol cool. im tired so im gonna go 2 bed. c u tmrw.

Keeping to his word, Hansol was at Seungkwan’s house the next day at noon. Hansol was waiting on his front door steps while Seungkwan raced back from his summer choir classes.

The sun was bright and heated the concrete to a blistering temperature. Seungkwan wished for clouds to grace the afternoon so he wouldn’t sweat too much, but was blessed with nothing.

Seungkwan wore too big denim shorts with his too big neon yellow shirt and beat up sneakers. He only threw on a hat the second he saw the younger boy, nervous that his hair didn’t look right, for some reason.

Seungkwan yelled into the house that he was finally leaving after freshening up in five minutes flat and his mother laughed and shook her head.

“Be safe! Come in and get water!” She said as the front door closed with Seungkwan halfway out of it.

Seungkwan was met with a boy with rosy cheeks. Hansol’s hair was swept to the side that could only be described as the ‘Justin Bieber’ cut.

He was wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of dark washed skinny jeans. Seungkwan gawked at him.

“How! How are you wearing those, it’s like, a jillion degrees outside!” Seungkwan voice got high and that was the first time Seungkwan ever heard him laugh.

And not to be dramatic or anything, but Seungkwan wished he could hear it everyday from that day onward.

Seungkwan didn’t fall off of Hansol’s longboard. The only reason why is because he refused to let go of Hansol’s hands that held him straight up and walked him down the big-ish hill that his house sat at.

But honestly, Seungkwan couldn’t get over how nice Hansol’s hands felt in his own. At the end of that day, Hansol left with a question on his lips.

“Hey, can I call you Boo?”

For most of Seungkwan’s life, he avoided his last name like the plague. It was always too soft, too girly, but when it came out of Hansol’s mouth, it sounded almost perfect.

“Yeah.” Seungkwan responded with the biggest smile across his face.

They played together all summer. Hansol would wait for him after his vocal classes and Seungkwan would wait for the other to actually wake up.

The sun tanned their skin golden as they sat in the worn out grass of the neighboring park. Seungkwan sat on that uncomfortable bench for days on end with the younger boy, smiling and laughing until their stomachs ached.

The world was still that summer and Seungkwan can’t imagine a time where his heart has ever been that full.

And even on the days where the sun didn’t shine and monsoon storms rolled in, they texted each other until the early hours of morning sharing secrets of favorite colors and childish dreams.

Anytime Seungkwan would mention Hansol to Minghao, the older boy would gag and mess around with the fact that: Seungkwan, you like him.

Of course Seungkwan liked him. Minghao was his best friend and always would be, but his mom said it first, Hansol and him were destined to be together.

Even at twelve, it was easy for Seungkwan to grasp that they were soulmates.

It was Seungkwan’s fate he guesses and Minghao wouldn’t be the first person to not get it.

Or the last.

They reach the restaurant ten minutes later in an area of town Seungkwan has never been to. The building is nice, but not too nice where it makes Seungkwan feel like he is going to be dried out of all of his money.

Seungkwan opens the passenger side door, not waiting for the possibility that Hansol will do it again. His wallet and house keys are heavy in hands, but he feels way more comfortable with them by his side.

They walk to the front side by side, but Hansol is the one to open the door. There is something in Seungkwan that wishes he ran ahead and opened it for himself.

But instead he blushes and wishes he could dropkick himself to hell and back.

They enter the line and Hansol tells Seungkwan how to order.

“So all you have to do is choose what kind of crust you want, cheese, tops, and that’s about it!” Seungkwan nods, but feels the anxiety of ordering at a new place catch in his throat.

“What do you usually get?” He asks, hoping it is something good so he can just double it.

“Usually their meat lovers pizza, I know you aren’t into meat so I recommend their margarita pizza, but with white sauce right?” Hansol decides and looks at Seungkwan for any comments of disagreement.

Hansol is right, Seungkwan isn’t a big meat eater and about the white sauce. He’s allergic to tomatoes.

How in the world could he remember that?

“Uh, yeah. The margarita sounds great actually.” And Seungkwan isn’t lying.

When it is finally their turn to order, Hansol speaks up first.

“Hi, uh, can I get a medium of the meat lovers pizza and uh, wait what size do you want?” Hansol turns to face him and Seungkwan freezes.

“Oh, a small?” Seungkwan speaks quickly.

“You sure that is enough?”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Okay, then can I also get a small of the margarita pizza as well, oh, but with white sauce!” Hansol finishes and Seungkwan feels like his face is probably the color of a goddamn tomato and maybe he despises himself more than usual for a moment.

Not a date, this isn’t a date.

Fuck Jeonghan, this is his fault.

Seungkwan can’t help feeling absolutely terrified when they get up to pay. If Hansol takes the check then that means they are actually on a date and Seungkwan does not want this to be a date.

But he doesn’t.

Hansol tells the cashier what his order was and pays with ease, leaving Seungkwan blinking like a madman.

He doesn’t give himself time to think about it too hard. Seungkwan pays for his food next and makes sure to get a drink while Hansol waits patiently for him.

They go and find seats together. The restaurant isn’t packed and it is easy to find a table next to a window to see the rain slowly makes its way into town.

Hansol grabs both of their orders and Seungkwan busies himself with his phone for a moment. Before Hansol can get back, he silences his phone and places it face down on the table.

Seungkwan was here on a mission at the end of the day.

This wasn’t a date, it was an intervention of sorts. Better phrased as closure perhaps.

They eat before talking. Seungkwan has a whole plan set-up in his mind on how this get together was going to go.

They would start of friendly, going out in public, then get to the harsher meaner stuff after they were full of food.

Once Seungkwan finishes half of his pizza and finds himself too stuffed to continue, Hansol is already looking at him from across the table.

“What?” Seungkwan asks and wipes his face with a napkin thinking there is something on his face.

“Nothing, I was just wondering how you were, honestly.”

Oh, that, that wasn’t planned.

Seungkwan knows this, he knows that Hansol isn’t a bad person, but some days. Some days it is hard to remember that after what he had done and what Seungkwan did.

Some days it is hard to even imagine that Hansol would still care.

“I’m doing okay.” Seungkwan answers as honestly as he could. He wasn’t lying, he is okay. But, he could be better.

“That’s good. That makes me really happy.” Hansol’s voice is warm and Seungkwan forgets it is even cold outside.

And Seungkwan wants everything. He wants to scream and yell and cry and breathe and be happy for once; he feels so suffocated by his own emotions that the room begins to spin.

But Hansol starts talking about home and school and his dog and his friends and Seungkwan forgets why he is even there.

Seungkwan forgets that this is the first time they have talked in a year because Hansol treats him like he knows every secret he has ever told and Seungkwan gets roped in.

Suddenly it has been two hours and Seungkwan is laughing at the story of Hansol’s experience on a cruise ship over the summer.

Hansol is telling him about how he almost got kicked out of the country because he smuggled in turtles when the younger man’s phone goes off.

“Sorry ‘bout this, I told my parents I would be late to a family gathering thing, but they are not getting the point that I’m doing something important right now.” Hansol laughs and Seungkwan gasps at him.

“You are ditching your parents? Family, for me?” Are you fucking crazy?

“Yeah, we do this thing once a month so it’s not that big of a deal.”

Oh hell no, Seungkwan is not giving his family any more reasons to hate him more than they already do. If there was one thing he had to avoid like the fucking plague, it was that.

“Hansol, we can always go out again. It’s fine.” Seungkwan tries, more like begs, at this point and Hansol shakes his head with a smirk on his lips, but it falls short. It falls sad.

“I knew you would say that so that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“Do they know it’s me?” Seungkwan can’t stop himself from asking and silence drifts over them.

“Oh, no, they don’t.” Hansol doesn’t whisper, but it close enough that Seungkwan already knows that he fucked up, again.

Right, right, of course they don’t.

“Right.” Seungkwan thinks out loud and Hansol nods with a twisted face.

“I will tell them if you want me to-”

“No, no. It’s better this way, you made the right decision.” Seungkwan forces a smile and Hansol looks like he wants to say something.

Say it, say that you didn’t tell them because you know they would never respect you if they knew you left them for me.

But Hansol gathers his things in silence instead and Seungkwan follows like a ghost. They put their trays back in an orderly manner and leave the restaurant without a word.

Seungkwan is behind him this time trying to quickly walk so the heavy rain doesn’t freeze him more than he already is.

Seungkwan opens his own door, but Hansol doesn’t try this time and relief doesn’t fill him like it did before.

Right, this is right. This is the right thing to do. This is the only way, for them. For us.

Hansol puts on music right away and Seungkwan doesn’t know a single song that plays on the way back, but he drives just as slow, if not slower.

Seungkwan looks out the window and internally beats himself up for saying anything. He knows better, well, he knew better at least to not talk about that shit.

Even though he planned this whole date thing whatever just to talk about shit like this.

Hansol parks the car in a space just in front of Seungkwan’s apartment complex and they sit there for a moment as the music dwindles away. The air is thick with tension, but it feels all too familiar.

It feels like them.

“I really do want to hang out again Seungkwan.” Hansol speaks first. Seungkwan lets out a deep breath and pretends to not see Hansol’s face flush with a flash of disappointment.

Why are we like this now?

“I know.” He looks up from his hands that rested on his thighs and sees Hansol eyes twinkled with something that looks like uncertainty.

Seungkwan grips his legs out of the fear that he may try and reach over to cup the younger’s face.

“I’ll text you later, I promise.”

Seungkwan nods and unbuckles his seatbelt; he opens his door and Hansol leans his head out to look at him one more time like he will never be able to again.

“It was nice seeing you.” Seungkwan smiles at Hansol’s always fucking kind words and god, he just wants to go back to bed.

“Have fun Hansol.” Seungkwan decides to respond with because: tell your family I say hi, is not the right thing to say for the situation he has put himself in.

“I won’t.” Not without you.

Seungkwan closes the door and walks away without looking back at the driver’s side window, but he knows that Hansol doesn’t leave until Seungkwan reaches the staircase.

Not a date, it wasn’t a date.

He enters his apartment and kicks off his shoes. Soonyoung and Seokmin are on the couch watching something obnoxious and Seungkwan can hear Jeonghan singing in the shower. He’s home and he’s safe, but it doesn’t really feel like it.

Seungkwan hears his name get called a couple times by his friends, his best friends that Hansol doesn’t even know, but holy fuck do they know about the him. Probably too much and that makes him sick to his stomach.

He ends up ignoring them because the alternative of telling them where he was would be too much of a headache, of a heartache.

Seungkwan goes to his room and sits on his bed like he did hours ago; he watches the clouds roll by for a minute and feels a weight start to make room in his chest, again.

Again and again and again-

“It wasn’t a date.” Seungkwan murmurs to himself as he lays down on his side.

Seungkwan knows this, and it’s Hansol.

Seungkwan will never be able to say what he actually wants to the younger man.

It’s just how they work.

Sometimes Seungkwan wished he lived alone because shit like this wouldn’t happen. He would have peace and quiet, only the birds would be his friends.

But oh no, that is way too easy when gossip between actual human beings really turns this fucking world around.

“Jeonghan-hyung told us you went out on a date.” Soonyoung and Seokmin lean across the table and Seungkwan sighs.

That fucking traitor. Maybe Seungkwan should mention the pair of lace fucking panties he found in the laundry basket of the elder, but shivers instead. Too much information to say the least.

Honestly, Seungkwan is surprised he didn’t get a talking at when he rummaged through the fridge like a hermit late on the actual day of it all. But the next day isn’t so bad either.

“I didn’t go on a date yesterday.” Seungkwan pounces back, but his rage was seen as too adorable than anything intimidating. Damn his baby cheeks and crescent eye shape.

“Well you’ve been talking to Mingyu as of recently so we thought that maybe you…” Seokmin starts strong, however, trails off when Seungkwan’s whole face turns red.

He can’t tell if it is out of embarrassment or shame. Maybe both because right, Mingyu. Everyone thinks he went out with Mingyu. Good. Great. Perfect.

“Oh, no, um, not yet. We are still just talking.” Seungkwan says and by talking he means texting because he’s a piece of shit.

He takes a sip of his strawberry-banana smoothie, trying to pretend he is anywhere but here. Getting questioned by two of his friends that can see right through him.

“Just talking? He walks you to all of your classes.” Soonyoung’s voice booms through the restaurant and Seungkwan wants to strangle him for his natural state of being loud.

“He talks about you to his friends.” Seokmin says while playing with his spoon that is resting in his empty acai bowl.

“He compliments you on the daily.” Soonyoung goes before Seungkwan can even think to jump in and shut down where they are most definitely about to go.

“You’re so cute, Kwannie.”

“I love your cute nose.”

“I love your full lips.”

“I love your fat ass-”

“Okay, I get it! Can you stop screaming now? You guys are literal rats on this earth.” Seungkwan tries to yell at them in his quietest voice and yet, he gets glared at probably the most out of the three from employees and customers alike.

“Yeah, but if you say you haven’t been out with him then who were you with?” Soonyoung counters with a smirk like he won his first game of chess against an unworthy opponent.

And Seungkwan doesn’t know what to say because well, it’s only going to get worse from here.

Seungkwan met Soonyoung and Seokmin when he was still actively talking to Hansol before the whole, uh, thing happened. He’s happy about that truly.

All three of them did choir together as well as drama at a community college when they were all still in high school. Both Soonyoung and Seokmin were upperclassmen when Seungkwan met them, but were lucky enough to perform together on stage.

They had a chemistry between them that no one could replicate. They became infamously known as BooSeokSoon, iconic comedy trio, and took over every single main role that they could get their hands on.

Seungkwan still remembers when they went off to college and he was stuck in high school for a couple more years.

Those days felt empty, but were covered up by one boy and at that time, he was more than enough.

However, Seungkwan can’t ever imagine not having either of them in his life now.

They never met Hansol. Even when Seungkwan and him were around each other more often than not, they would only get a glimpse of him in passing by. Usually when Seungkwan was moving from one group to the other.

They have seen him and heard his voice, they know how he dresses and how he carries himself when he walks, but they don’t know him. That’s where things get tricky.

“Don’t get mad.” Seungkwan mumbles and he can already tell Seokmin has caught on five steps ahead of Soonyoung, per usual. He has always been better at reading Seungkwan than his own family.

“You’re kidding me.” Seokmin says with heat and Soonyoung blinks for a second.

And blinks again.

“Oh shit!” Soonyoung bursts out and Seungkwan hides his face in his jacket wanting to be six feet underground. They really couldn’t have done this anywhere else? Of course they had to do this in public.

“You can’t be serious? Satan?” Seokmin sneers around that dirty word like he was made for it.

“Not Satan anymore, that was literally years ago.” Seungkwan grips his phone, regretting ever putting that petty name down for his childhood whatever’s contact because of his friends swaying him so easily.

It was stupid and silly and now look where it has got him.

Seungkwan wouldn’t put it past either of them to truly believe Hansol was the devil.

“Give me your phone.” Seungkwan hands it over well knowing his lockscreen will tell the two of them enough.

He is sort of happy that Hansol and him were on talking terms just for this.

One New Message

From: hansol

11:03: Class absolutely killed me today. How’s your day going

They sit in silence, staring at the phone with a clear message from someone they considered to be a ghost. There is a part of Seungkwan that wants to blame himself for it.

He can’t remember the last time he ever spoke positively about the younger to them. What scares him more is that he doesn’t ever recall saying anything remotely kind.

He can see Seokmin trying to figure out what to say while Soonyoung stays incredibly quiet which freaks out Seungkwan more than anything else. He has let both of them down, again.

Again and again and again-

He takes back his phone quickly and pockets it after Seokmin puts the device back on the table and slides it across to him.

“Are you going to tell Mingyu?” Seokmin finally asks, and that was not what Seungkwan was expecting. However, these two are always full of surprises.

“Um, no? There isn’t anything to tell.” He responds curtly and Soonyoung laughs to himself.

“But you weren’t going to tell us?” Soonyoung looks hurt when Seungkwan shakes his head.

I knew how you would react, I knew how hurt you would be and I know you want what’s best for me, but how can you know when you don’t know anything at all?

“If there’s nothing to tell then why don’t you say it? What are you hiding?”

Guilt, regret, shame, fear, joy, so much joy that I could explode and I’m hiding how much I still-

“Nothing, I’m not hiding anything. You know how we work, we just keep to ourselves. No one knows.” Seungkwan can’t help, but get upset.

They know how this goes and they still argue anytime Seungkwan reaches out to him like he is a plague that Seungkwan always catches.

It’s Hansol, Seungkwan’s everything from day one and they hate it, they despise it.

They don’t understand it.

“Of course we know, that’s why we are scared because you have this amazing guy waiting for you and yet you’re back here with him, again.” Seokmin sounds defeated like he has already given up the battle to win the war.

You’re back here with him, again. Why can’t you say his name?

“You don't know him, you don’t. No matter how much you think you do.” Seungkwan tries to argue, but it falls on deaf ears. Every single fucking time.

Soonyoung and Seokmin made their decision on Hansol years ago and he’ll never be able to change it. Even when he is the reason they think so poorly of the younger.

It really is Seungkwan’s fault at the end of the day.

“You’re gonna get hurt, Seungkwan. Nothing’s changed, he hasn’t changed.” Soonyoung tries to reason, but this argument is going nowhere because no one ever listens.

Year after year, heartbreak after stupid heartbreak.

“You can’t stop me.” Seungkwan whispers and grabs his things, happy that he already paid for his food. His backpack falls heavy on his shoulder and no one makes a move to stop him.

“Tell Mingyu.” Seokmin says before Seungkwan can get out of hearing reach and he wants to turn back and just tell him to mind his own business.

But he doesn’t because he knows that the elder is right. He nods and yells back at the two of them that he will see them at the apartment later.

Seungkwan walks out of the restaurant back onto campus and pulls out his phone. He skims through his messages and hovers over a number he hasn’t responded to since the day before.

He scrolls back up.

To: hansol

11:46: my day has been fine! tell me about class?

Seungkwan dyed his hair for the first time when entering middle school.

Naturally, his hair was a dark brown that had natural tones of deep gold hidden throughout. However, as he got older, the paler his hair color grew and gave little to no life to Seungkwan’s persona, brightness.

He wanted a change so Seungkwan bleached his hair.

He received many reactions from the sudden change. Most of his peers complimented him and even gave him praise for the risky endeavor.

Some of his teachers found the change to be startling and almost worrisome where it got to the point that one called him over to talk after class to ask if everything was alright at home.

Minghao adored it. For the first couple months, the boy couldn’t keep his hands out of Seungkwan’s hair; he just wanted to play with it and even started to think about dying his own hair.

Hansol was, well, he was supportive.

Seungkwan was so excited to show the younger boy the change that after he got home from the salon, he immediately texted him asking for Hansol to come over as soon as he could.

Hansol replied quickly and rode over on his busted longboard to his house within thirty minutes. Seungkwan was already outside standing, too excited to wait inside.

The moment Hansol turned the corner, Seungkwan thought he was going to crash into the lamp post.

His eyes grew wide and as he stumbles off of his board, Seungkwan couldn’t help and could only laugh. They met halfway and stood in front of each other in the middle of the road.

“You, dyed your hair.” Hansol whispered as he brought up his hand to the side of Seungkwan’s face.

His cheeks flushed at the little amount of contact.

“Yeah! Do you like it?” Seungkwan asked with a strong voice trying to pretend that he wouldn’t care either way if the younger did or didn’t.

“Uh yeah, it looks great! But-” Hansol started then pulled away his hand. Seungkwan blinked in confusion.

“But?”

“I just really liked your natural hair.” Hansol brought his hand that once rested on Seungkwan’s face to the back of head, scratching the nap of his neck.

“Oh.” No one has ever told me that before.

Seungkwan smiled and took Hansol’s hand before walking to their infamous park.

“Thanks Hansollie.”

Middle school was interesting to say the least.

Going from a small elementary school where you knew everyone and they knew you whether you liked it or not to a school that is ten times larger was intimidating.

Seungkwan and Hansol didn’t have any classes together; however, they made time during lunch periods to hang out in the choir room.

Seungkwan was excited to continue his small singing career in school. He was nervous that he wouldn’t be accepted into the program, but was shocked to learn that he was put into the highest class his school offered.

He was over the moon about it and Hansol was as supportive as ever. While the younger wouldn’t go to concerts or events, Seungkwan always got a text from him before he went on stage.

By hanging out in the choir room during lunch, Hansol and Minghao were finally able to interact with one another.

Seungkwan enjoyed having his two closest friends side by side when adjusting to the bigger school. It was relieving honestly.

Not like he thought they would hate each other? Or if it really mattered in the first place if they did.

Minghao liked Hansol, they talked about things here and there, but Minghao mostly watched. That was just his character in general.

Hansol didn’t say much about Minghao, but Seungkwan could tell he enjoyed his presence enough. It’s odd to think Hansol never wanted to hang out with him during summer in the first place.

Seungkwan didn’t think about that often, but sometimes it was hard to forget when the two of them were laughing over a meme on Seungkwan’s phone.

They became close, the three of them. It was fun, a riot. School field trips became their favorite adventures and Seungkwan felt like he was on top of the world.

Minghao and him went over to Hansol’s one Halloween. They got dressed to impress, as much as they could at their age, and walked over to his house in the falling temperatures.

This was the first time Seungkwan was ever going over to his house; normally, it was Hansol and his stupid longboard at his, not that Seungkwan was complaining.

But it was exciting, in a weird way, going over to the younger’s house. Seungkwan’s stomach tightened in a way he had never felt before.

He pulled at his baseball uniform to make sure it fit just right when they reached Hansol’s doorstep and Minghao scoffed at him before knocking on the door not bothering to see if his vampire make-up was still intact.

They waited for a moment before the door unlocked.

“Happy Halloween!” An older man opens the door and Seungkwan has to imagine that it is Hansol’s father.

“Uh hi! I’m Seungkwan and this is my friend Minghao, we’re here to see Hansol?” Seungkwan tried to sound as not nervous as possible, but the six foot tall man wasn’t doing him any favors.

“Oh Seungkwan! Come in, they are just in the living room.” They?

Seungkwan and Minghao walk into the house. It’s nice, basically the same as Seungkwan’s, but it has a second floor while Seungkwan’s house does not.

Hansol’s father leads them into the living room. There is a large couch and a flat screen tv on the wall, an Xbox plugged in with infinite amounts of games spewed across the room. Hansol was sat on the couch.

And someone else.

“Hey Boo, uh Minghao. This is my friend Joshua, I thought he could hang out with us.” Hansol smiles up at Seungkwan while throwing a wave Minghao’s way.

“Oh yeah, that sounds cool.” Seungkwan sits down with Minghao on a different section of the couch.

Seungkwan has never met one of Hansol’s friends before and it was nice, don’t get him wrong, but it was different. It was strange.

They played some games on the Xbox for a bit and Seungkwan did what he does best, he talked.

Seungkwan asked Joshua how old he was, what’s his favorite color, favorite animal, how he knew Hansol, and basically everything his parents usually ask his own friends.

Joshua was sweet and had a soft face. He seemed to know Seungkwan like the back of his hand which was a little weird, but Seungkwan didn’t mind.

And like always, Minghao watched.

Hansol didn’t really pay attention to Seungkwan which again was fine, a bit different and very strange, but Seungkwan did really enjoy talking to Joshua.

After a couple hours, Minghao yawned and Seungkwan took that as a cue to get back home, especially because they had school the next day.

Hansol brought the two of them to the door after Seungkwan waved goodbye to Hansol’s mom. The younger boy smiled his same smile and Seungkwan thought: ah, finally, something familiar.

Overall, it was a goodnight, until Seungkwan was close to falling asleep.

“Kwannie, Kwannie, wait.” Minghao nudged him awake and Seungkwan groaned.

“What?” He grumbled, mushing his head into his pillow.

“I just, I overheard something when we were leaving Hansol’s house.” Minghao whispered and Seungkwan was wide awake. He turned to his side to face the other boy.

“Yeah? What did you hear?”

“It was stupid, I think it was supposed to be at least. Uh, it was Joshua and Hansol’s mom talking um, about you.” Minghao then laid on his back to look up at the ceiling, to look away from Seungkwan.

“They said how it was so disgusting for you to be flirting with Joshua when, uh, when Hansol was right there.”

“Well that’s stupid, I don’t like Joshua, I. Oh.”

Seungkwan went silent, he was incredibly startled all of a sudden. Flirting? With Joshua? He just met Joshua, he was just asking him questions.

Seungkwan was being Seungkwan, why would he? Why would Seungkwan, out of all people, flirt with Joshua when Hansol was right there.

“Oh my God.” Seungkwan says into the dark room.

“Yeah.” Minghao’s voice is barely a whisper at that point, like he can hear Seungkwan revolution before the younger boy could.

“I have a crush on Hansol.”

Seungkwan has to talk to Jeonghan before Soonyoung and Seokmin get a hold of him.

There are many reasons for this.

One: Soonyoung and Seokmin would blow it out of proportion as if Seungkwan was seeing a drug dealer or becoming friends with a prostitute (nothing wrong with that in the first place, and).

Two: Jeonghan would go all mother hen on Seungkwan like he has done many times before over something he can’t even grasp because, well.

Three: Jeonghan doesn’t know anything, at all, about Hansol.

Those two idiots Seungkwan somehow calls best friends would not do any justice to the story and would leave Seungkwan in a field full of hurt and Hansol possibly in the hospital.

Mother hen Jeonghan is a force to be reckoned with. Jeonghan isn’t afraid to egg someone’s house and Seungkwan is. He really is.

After class, Seungkwan races home to find Jeonghan sitting at the dining table with someone else. He drops his bag onto the couch before making his way over to the table to find that the other person is none other than Chan.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

“Hi Kwannie, how was class?” Jeonghan asks while looking over a piece of paper that has to be Chan’s math homework.

Fuck, it is Chan’s math tutoring day, that’s why Jeonghan has his glasses on. Fuck college calculus and everything God has in-store for me.

“Oh, uh, it was fine. Just peachy.” Seungkwan stumbles over his words causing the younger boy to look up at him.

“Cat got your tongue dipshit?”

“Why you little-”

“Kids, don’t make this event more painful than it needs to be,” Jeonghan puts down the paper. “We were meaning to take a break anyway, sit down Seungkwannie.”

Seungkwan sits and glares at Chan with a loving, yet piercing glare.

They met in high school. Chan was a freshman when Seungkwan was a sophomore. When Hansol was a sophomore.

God, this is going to be a nightmare.

Seungkwan tries to gather his bearings; he decides to weigh the pros and cons of his current situation because if Soonyoung and Seokmin ‘hate’ Hansol, then Chan fucking despises him.

Pro: Jeonghan learns about everything from him, not anyone else.

Con: Jeonghan hates him for not telling him sooner.

Pro: Soonyoung and Seokmin can’t make shit up.

Con: it’s already bad enough as it is.

Pro: uh, it’s done?

Con: Chan.

Evidence points to one conclusion: Seungkwan is fucked! Absolutely, truly fucked.

Most days when Jeonghan was giving Chan some extra help for school, he wouldn’t leave until late that night. Chan would stay for dinner then play video games with Soonyoung and Seokmin until someone passed out.

Seungkwan doesn’t have time for this. He already knows that his friends are going to walk in and say something right as the door opens. It’s how they deal with things, by telling others.

This is why Seungkwan doesn’t tell anyone anything, except Hansol.

Jesus Christ, even if it wasn’t for his two friends, how would he even go about telling Jeonghan everything?

He already messed up the last time with Soonyoung and Seokmin, he can’t afford to do that again because who does that leave Seungkwan to talk with? Minghao? His own mother?

Seungkwan doesn’t want Jeonghan to hate Hansol, he wants him to understand. That’s all he has ever wanted, but Soonyoung and Seokmin are lost causes and Chan, well.

Chan has the right to hate Hansol, the only one who does if you ask Seungkwan.

And here he is, in Seungkwan’s shared apartment with two people who are already on team Anti-Hansol and someone completely oblivious of Seungkwan’s situation.

He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know the right thing to do because it feels like no matter what course of action Seungkwan takes, it is going to end badly.

That’s what happens anytime Hansol is involved.

Seungkwan looks at the clock on the oven. There is only 20 minutes for him to decide what to do before Soonyoung and Seokmin break their way in and ruin possibly Seungkwan’s last chance of having someone on his side.

Before Seungkwan has time to start panicking, Chan’s phone buzzes on table.

“Shit, it’s mom, I told her I would call today. Uh, I’m gonna step out for a second.” Chan mumbles, grabbing his phone and answering the call.

God is good! Love is love! Bless me and everything good I have done in my other lives!

Seungkwan breathes as Chan exits the room. He has a chance, this time he won’t ruin it.

He can’t afford to.

“Hey, hyung, can I talk to you about something. Uh, it’s about the date thing.” Seungkwan starts quickly, trying to get as much conversation in before Chan gets back.

“Oh yes! How was Mingyu, was he nice. I know some of his friends and if he treated you poorly then I can talk to them.” Jeonghan claps in joy before taking a serious turn in his tone to make sure Seungkwan knows he is for real.

“I didn’t go out with Mingyu yesterday.” Seungkwan says and Jeonghan looks taken back.

The elder leans back in his chair with a puzzled look on his face.

“Wait really?” He asks and Seungkwan nods his head.

“But you were so nervous,” Not nervous Jesus fuck “it felt like a first date, you looked like someone going out on a first date.” Jeonghan murmurs and Seungkwan swallows before speaking, afraid that he will choke on his own words.

“What did I look like?” Seungkwan asks with a quiet voice.

“Happy, excited, worried, yet relieved at the same time. It reminded me of the look you get on your face whenever you go back home.”

Fuck, close enough he guesses.

“I went out with an old friend, uh, one of my childhood best friends.” Seungkwan responds and Jeonghan looks even more confused than before.

“Minghao?”

“Uh, no, but Minghao knows him.” Seungkwan can’t say his name for the life of him and he feels like he is just as bad as both Soonyoung and Seokmin.

“I haven’t talked to him in a while, things are a little weird right now, but uh, we are just trying to reconnect.” Seungkwan tries to explain more and Jeonghan pretends to follow.

“Well, what’s his name? I bet I know him through someone else.” Jeonghan inquires.

And well, Jeonghan is probably right. After getting his bachelor's degree, Jeonghan went back to school for his master’s. Jeonghan is known by anyone and everyone meaning Jeonghan knows just as many people.

Which, again, is scary for Seungkwan’s situation because the last thing Seungkwan wants to do is say his name then have Jeonghan already know him from someone else.

Like every other person in Seungkwan’s life that knows Hansol.

What choice does he have though because Soonyoung and Seokmin will definitely say his name or keep referring him as ‘Satan’ and if this is really going to happen then Jeonghan has to know.

“His name is Hansol, Chwe Hansol.” Seungkwan speaks when a door slams open.

“What?” A voice echoes and Seungkwan closes his eyes. Of course.

Of course Chan would walk in right when Hansol’s name is still floating in the air.

“Seungkwan is telling about his friend he saw yesterday.” Jeonghan says before Seungkwan can even think to stop him.

The air is thick and Seungkwan can feel Chan’s eyes burning into the back of his head.

“Hansol, you’re talking to him again?” Chan’s voice doesn’t raise that high, but Seungkwan wishes he could just yell at him.

What he did to you was horrible, don’t take it out on him only. Take it out on me, blame me too.

“Chan, please.” Seungkwan turns around to see Chan’s eyes wavering and his hands shaking.

“Don’t, not this. Not again. What the hell is wrong with you?” Chan interrupts Seungkwan and Jeonghan stays silent out of pure confusion, his eyes wide like a deer.

“I’m sorry, but you know what he is to-” Seungkwan tries to reason with the younger boy, but he just shakes his head while laughing.

“Yeah I know what he is to you, but what am I, huh? It’s always going to be him first. I’m so done with this bullshit Seungkwan.” Chan grabs his things and heads for the door.

“Chan-” Jeonghan starts, but Seungkwan just shakes his head at him to stop the elder in his tracks.

Seungkwan gets up from the table while Jeonghan keeps still. He rushes to Chan in hopes of calming him down.

“Chan, don’t do this.” Seungkwan grabs his wrist and Chan shakes him off.

“Fuck you, really.” Chan replies and puts his shoes on in front of the door.

Seungkwan watches him wide-eyed. He’s never said that to Seungkwan before, not even in a joking way.

Before Chan can rip open the door, Soonyoung and Seokmin are storming in. Seungkwan doesn’t move when Chan runs his shoulder against Seokmin and leaves without a goodbye.

The three of them stand in the hallway. Seungkwan keeps his eyes on the now closed door and everything seems to be bending on its axis.

“So you told them?” Soonyoung says leaning against the door and Seungkwan stays still in hopes that he will just disappear if he doesn’t move.

So much for a good first impression.

For the last couple of weeks, it feels like Seungkwan’s life has shifted uncontrollably towards Hansol.

After the major falling out with Chan, everyone seems to be uneasy with what is truly happening in Seungkwan’s life.

When Chan left, Jeonghan was more confused than he has ever been before and Seungkwan just felt bad. He should have told the elder long ago about this mess with Hansol, but he didn’t want another Seokmin and Soonyoung situation to arise.

In the end, it didn’t matter because it happened anyway.

When Seungkwan explained the events over the last many years along with Seokmin and Soonyoung by his side, he could see Jeonghan’s face twist in disgust at some points.

And Seungkwan tried this time, he really did, to show Hansol’s best sides of him to his friends, but again, it fell short.

Again and again and again-

Jeonghan was simply sad by the end, giving Seungkwan a long, warm hug before opening his mind to the younger.

“You have to apologize to Chan.” Jeonghan had said and Seungkwan knew that, of course he knew that, but by apologizing, it would mean that-

“I can’t stop talking to him now.” Seungkwan said looking Jeonghan directly in the eyes hoping that his fear of losing Hansol again wasn’t coming across.

“Yes you can.” You deserve better.

Just like that, Seungkwan lost another person to the Anti-Hansol squad. Fucking fantastic.

So Seungkwan shouldn’t have been surprised when everyone was going ‘back home’ for the weekend a couple weeks later.

He knew that to not be true because Jeonghan had a screening for his thesis with his professor late that Friday and Seokmin and Soonyoung were helping an elementary school drama program for their winter musical over the next month or two.

They just weren’t going to be at the apartment. Probably housing at someone else’s place to get away from all this mess. To get away from Seungkwan.

He didn’t want to be angry with them, but what else could he do? His friends dipped on him, leaving him in a mess that he made for himself, but couldn’t even support him?

All he ever wanted was support, all he needed was support and his friends couldn’t even offer that?

That is what lead to the certain situation: Seungkwan sitting on the couch, bowl of chips on his chest while watching a marathon of South Park on a Saturday night.

Not like he was a huge partier in the first place, but this is sad. This is a whole new version of rock bottom, proud creator Boo Seungkwan.

The time was a little before midnight and Seungkwan felt something scratching at his bones. There was familiarity in the air of Seungkwan being alone that reminded him of when he was in high school, alone when his parents went on vacation and left him behind to go to school.

Usually Minghao would come over and spend the weekend at Seungkwan’s house so he wouldn’t be alone, sometimes Seokmin or Soonyoung would do the same and bring greasy fast food over.

But now Seungkwan is an adult, he could with stand being alone, right?

Absolutely wrong.

Seungkwan pats his sides with his hands in search of his phone. He knew this was a bad idea, but who could stop him? No one because no one was home away.

They wouldn’t even know he was here.

Seungkwan found his phone in between the couch cushions. He dusts the chip dust off his fingers then opens the phone to the home page.

To: hansol

23:53: hey, i'm home alone and i was wondering if you wanted to come over?

Seungkwan puts his phone to his side, Hansol has the tendency to not text back the quickest which has never really bothered him.

But the phone vibrates against Seungkwan’s thigh in which scaring the shit out of him. Was it going to be Jeonghan or someone saying they are coming home ‘early’? Because then he was royally fucked.

From: hansol

23:55: Sure, I’ll be there soon. Everything alright?

To: hansol

23:55: yeah! everything is fine. just want to hang out with you lmao.

Smooth Seungkwan, real smooth.

From: hansol

22:56: Sounds good. I’ll text you when I get there

Okay cool, Hansol is coming over.

Seungkwan looks down at his shirt, stained orange from the chips he was eating then looks at the living room that has basically Seungkwan’s whole wardrobe on the carpeted floor.

That’s when he panics.

Hansol is going to be over within the next ten minutes and Seungkwan looks like shit and the apartment is a goddamn mess. How was he even able to do this in less than 48 hours of everyone being out of the place?

Seungkwan jumps up from his position on the couch and spills the chips to the ground, great, just amazing.

He picks them up quickly and tosses them into the garbage can. Then he goes back into the living room to start grabbing his clothes. Seungkwan runs back and forth a couple times from the living room to his bedroom to deposit the clothes on his unmade bed.

God, he lives like a fucking troll when he’s sad.

After the clothes fiasco, Seungkwan strips down and changes into a clean (semi-clean, they smell fine) pair of sweatpants and an actually clean sweatshirt. Then Seungkwan makes his way to the bathroom.

His hair looks like ass, but there is truly not enough time in the world to fix what he has on top of his head right now. You’d think after getting it freshly dyed, it wouldn’t be this much of a disaster.

Seungkwan splashes his face with some cool water in the sink then dries his face with a crusty towel. Gross, he needs to do laundry tomorrow.

By the time Seungkwan has cleaned up the apartment (sort of), gotten dressed (does this even count?), and fixed his face to not look like, well, that, it has been fifteen minutes and he rushes to find his phone.

From: hansol

00:07: I’m here. Can you buzz me in?

“Okay Seungkwan, you got this. This is a normal interaction between friends, just hanging out.” Past midnight, on a Saturday, where everyone and their mothers’ are getting laid just about now.

Jesus Christ, Seungkwan really hopes no one finds out Hansol was here.

Throwing a pair of flip-flops on, Seungkwan leaves the apartment with his keys in hand. He locks the door and makes his way down the stairs.

When he reaches the apartment lobby, he can see Hansol clad in a beanie and a down jacket. His back is to Seungkwan and well, it’s too late to run now.

Seungkwan reaches the door and knocks on the window with a small smile on his face. Hansol turns around and shows his gummy smile to him, making Seungkwan’s insides to twist.

“Hey, thanks for coming by.” Seungkwan says when he opens the door and Hansol just keeps smiling.

“No problem.” Hansol responds and takes the door from Seungkwan’s hand to close it.

Seungkwan swallows then nods, he turns around and starts to walk up the stairs and Hansol follows.

Seungkwan pretends to not think about the cameras in the building, there is no way that Jeonghan and Co. would be able to hack them anyway? Right? Okay, now he’s just paranoid.

Seungkwan gets to his door and Hansol leans against the wall watching him unlock the handle.

“This is sort of weird, being here and not your house.” Hansol says when he walks into the apartment.

Seungkwan nods then thinks that he should probably respond if he wants this night to not be an awkward mess.

“It is a little weird, but I mean, there have been stranger things,” Seungkwan drops his keys into the bowl that stands close to the door. “Can you lock the door for me?”

The door softly clicks and Seungkwan breathes out, what now? He cleaned the apartment and changed his clothes, but for what?

What the fuck is he doing?

Seungkwan goes to sit on the couch and Hansol, again, follows him. Seungkwan curls up in a blanket that he was using before and Hansol sits with his back against the armrest.

Seungkwan wants Hansol to make the first move on whatever they are going to do, but also knows that it should be him because it is his place and he is the host.

However, when Seungkwan opens his mouth Hansol does the same.

“Why-”

“Do you want a beer?” Seungkwan squeaks out ahead of Hansol leaving the younger to look at him with big eyes.

“Uh, sure, yeah.” Hansol responds and both of them pretend he never opened his mouth in the first place.

High school was spotty for Seungkwan at best.

No doubt about it, he had a good time. Being in the school’s choir really allowed Seungkwan to make a lot of friends and enjoy experiences that he would have never be able to do without it.

But Hansol was absent, for some (read: most) of it.

Moral of the story: Seungkwan told Hansol he had a crush on him, through a text message.

It sounded like a good idea when Minghao first brought it up. After the whole Halloween thing, Seungkwan had sat on his new found feelings until the school year ended.

It was hard, being friends (best, best, best friends) with someone you like was a lot harder than Seungkwan would ever imagine it being.

There was always something pulling at Seungkwan’s heart whenever Hansol was around him. The world seemed to be the younger boy and Seungkwan the moon.

It fucking sucked honestly. He spent so much time trying to hide his feelings that he really just had to hide himself from Hansol which started to effect their friendship in a poor way.

They couldn’t talk about video games because Seungkwan only thought about Hansol’s favorite ones and trying to learn as much information about them as possible to impress him.

They couldn’t talk about food because Seungkwan always got the urge to go home and make Hansol’s favorites so he could bring them the next day.

They couldn’t even talk about the damn weather because Seungkwan could only think: wow, Hansol would look good dripping wet from a stormy day-

They couldn’t talk about girls (or boys) because Seungkwan liked Hansol.

Seungkwan liked him, a lot. A lot, a lot.

So after months of pining and complaining to Minghao, the boy got fed up and forced Seungkwan to confront his feelings and give Hansol a piece of him.

“He won’t say no, it’s Hansol. He likes you as much as you do.” Minghao said when putting Seungkwan’s phone into his hands.

To: hansol <3

00:04: I think I have a crush on you.

And well, he was right. Hansol didn’t say no.

He didn’t say anything, at all.

Seungkwan sent him a text during the middle of the night in June just as Hansol did the night before they first ever hung out together.

Seungkwan didn’t get a response, not that night or the next day or even the day after.

He went through the whole summer not talking to Hansol for the first time since they have started and it sucked.

It hurt, really. Seungkwan knew that it was a shot in the dark, but was it really? They have been told since being friends that they were destined to be together, was that what went wrong?

Were they all lies? Seungkwan didn’t want to believe it to be true, but when Hansol stopped contacting him, it was hard to believe that it was all for nothing.

But to be honest, Seungkwan was just sad that he didn’t have his best friend, his other half, anymore because that’s what Hansol was to him first, a friend.

He was always going to be a friend.

So high school started slow, Seungkwan stopped dying his hair and quit all the hobbies him and Hansol had.

Seungkwan avoided Hansol at all cost which felt all sorts of wrong at first, but when he saw Hansol’s face for the first time in months, it wasn’t too hard to get out of dodge.

After a couple months of running off, Hansol finally confronted the situation. More like he confronted Minghao.

They had a class together and one day Hansol came up to Minghao and asked him what was wrong and why Seungkwan was avoiding him. Minghao being the best best friend ever, told him to talk to Seungkwan if he wanted an answer.

Hansol did eventually and Seungkwan did something that he regrets slightly even now.

He pretended nothing ever happened.

Seungkwan pretended that Hansol rejected him and pretended that everything was okay. That he wasn’t in love, that he didn’t like his best friend. And Hansol bought it.

Everything went back to normal. If Seungkwan knew this would happen, he would’ve done this months ago.

Once that was swept under the rug, school became easier. After everything came back together, that’s when Seungkwan met Chan in choir when the younger was a freshman.

Seungkwan took him under his wing, loving the kids baby cheeks and cheerful smile. They became close real quick and even Minghao enjoyed the ‘baby’s’ presence.

Even with all the love and affection Seungkwan gave to the boy, Chan attached himself to Hansol. There wasn’t a day that went by without having the younger blabber about how cool he was or how much he wanted to be like him someday.

Seungkwan found it adorable and sweet, Hansol didn’t find it like that.

Hansol took great pride in his sound mixing abilities and when Hansol liked something, it was his. It was one of his best qualities, but also one of his major downfalls.

“Hansol, he looks up to you, you’re like his role model. He loves the stuff you do with music, just let him want to be like you.” Seungkwan remembers saying at the lunch table one day after Chan particularly annoyed Hansol.

“What’s there to like?” Hansol mumbled then got up from his chair and left without a goodbye, leaving Seungkwan shocked and dazed in confusion.

If there was one thing that Seungkwan always liked about Hansol, it was his ability to be calm in the worst possible situations. But as he got older, these qualities changed and became more depressing; cynical.

So Hansol starting pushing away the younger and it was scary to see how easily he could do it.

It started with little comments here and there where Seungkwan would step in to defuse the tension between his two friends. But Hansol got more zealous as the months went on, picking on the younger until he was close to tears.

“What’s wrong with you?” Seungkwan asked Hansol after he called Chan a goodie-two-shoes making the younger run off with his tears littered on his red cheeks.

Hansol only shrugged and Seungkwan couldn’t believe him. This wasn’t the Hansol he knew, this wasn’t the Hansol he loved-

They continued to hang out at school, still had lunch together in the choir room with Minghao and some days Chan. However, seeing Minghao and Hansol interact became slim to none and Minghao started hanging around some other people.

Which was fine because unlike Hansol, they would still be at each other’s house every other day.

Because as the years went by, the less Hansol would show his face at Seungkwan’s front door. Text messages would go unread or just blatantly ignored to the point where Seungkwan wasn’t even surprised anymore.

However, school time was Hansol time and the younger would pretend that everything was fine and nothing was weird; Seungkwan let him.

He just let him. Maybe in a way, Seungkwan was too scared to confront him because he already knows Hansol has cold feet.

Seungkwan didn’t want him to run, not again. Not ever again, so he did what he had to do to be able to have Hansol in his life as much as possible.

Things got better once Seungkwan started going to the community college drama program and made quick friends with Soonyoung and Seokmin. But Seungkwan missed Hansol, he yearned for him.

It was sad, it was disappointing. After everything they went through for it to just fizzle out into oblivion and what for? Seungkwan has no clue other than that stupid confession he had years ago.

Seungkwan didn’t talk about Hansol as much as he used to. It got to the point where Minghao or his mother would have to bring him up for Seungkwan to say anything. Usually the conversations would end with one to two words and worried looks from the both of them.

Seungkwan couldn’t get his emotions straight when it came to Hansol anymore. He was sad, he missed him more than anything on this planet, but he was angry.

God, he was furious.

Seungkwan soon found himself despising the younger’s lack of communication and lack of trying to keep their friendship functioning. How could he? How fucking dare he?

With all these emotions pent up, Seungkwan didn’t know what to do or who to turn to until one day after rehearsal of the fall monologue play at the community college. After all this build up and stress, Seungkwan had to let go before he exploded on someone important.

Before he exploded on Hansol himself.

Seungkwan drank some of his water during break and looked over at his new friends.

“Hey, can I tell you guys something?”

That’s when everything went downhill, Seungkwan swears on it to this day.

Seungkwan and Hansol sip on their beers while South Park continues to play in the background due to Seungkwan being a major idiot and forgetting to turn it off before he arrived.

This wasn’t the plan, drinking with Hansol, but it was the only thing that popped in Seungkwan’s mind at the moment. At this point, should Seungkwan ever try to make a plan when it comes to Hansol?

He ruins it every time there is one anyways.

But even worse, it wasn’t his beer, it was Seokmin’s. Seungkwan doesn’t even like beer so what the fuck is he going to tell Seokmin when he gets back?

“Oh, I just wanted to try it again, you know, had to have two to make sure.”

Dumbass, dumb, dumb, dumbass.

Seungkwan took a drink and tried to hide his distaste as much as possible. This shit is nasty. Of course Hansol would be able to see right through him.

“Not a fan, Boo?” Hansol laughs into his glass bottle while Seungkwan chokes on the remnants of the amber liquid in his mouth.

“Boo?” Seungkwan sputters out, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand to remove the bit of beer that came out on accident.

It’s been so long since someone has called him that.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry,” Hansol starts and Seungkwan waves a hand at him to try and stop him in his tracks, yet he continues. “It just came out, I know how much you didn’t like being called that and-”

“No, really, it’s fine Noni.” Seungkwan brings out his own childhood nickname for Hansol as a jab, but instead it makes the younger smile lightly, as if it was never supposed to be there.

“You’re dying your hair again.” Hansol says, not asking because Seungkwan’s blond hair already shows the spoken fact well enough.

Seungkwan runs a hand through his hair as a nervous reaction to the attention to detail. Again, not like it is hard to tell.

“Yeah, it was time for a change. School has been hell and you know how I just love to take my stress out on my hair.” Seungkwan laughs out, remembering all the times he got a haircut after failing an exam in high school. Shoutout to chemistry.

“I like it a lot, it suits you.” Hansol replies and Seungkwan tilts his head to the side with his eyebrows furrowed together.

“You’ve always liked my hair natural though?” Seungkwan questions without thinking, per usual, and Hansol nods in agreement.

“Yeah, but I’ve always liked you too, it never mattered what your hair color was.” Hansol takes a swig of his beer before placing it on the finger-smudged, glass coffee table with a click.

Seungkwan does the same, trying to mask his stupid fucking face after what Hansol said.

I’ve always liked you too. Who the fuck says that casually?

Hansol does, he fucking does.

“So how’s school going for you?” Seungkwan asks. He plays with the blanket on his lap and wishes he put socks on earlier as his feet are absolutely freezing.

“Oh, you know, not ever knowing if I’m doing the right thing being a music major and really thinking about how useful a business degree would be right now.” Hansol’s voice is low and filled with sarcasm, but Seungkwan can hear the small tones of disappointment.

“You’re a great song mixer, you were in high school and I bet you are even better now.” Seungkwan brings up to counter the younger’s point, but also to just make him feel better.

He hated how Hansol thought of himself these days.

“Honestly, I have gotten better, but only because of Seungcheol-hyung and Jihoon-hyung. They have really helped me out.” Hansol nods his head to himself and Seungkwan grins.

“Tell me about your friends.” Seungkwan speaks with excitement poorly hidden in his voice. He just wants to know what he has been missing.

Seungkwan wants to know what they had when he didn’t.

“Well, I’m still friends with Joshua,” Great “he goes to school here doing some religious studies degree, which is good for him! Really.”

“Uh, I met Seungcheol and Jihoon at the end of last year after I got an A in a class a lot of freshmen struggle in. They were really impressed with my final project and wanted to work over the summer which was super cool.”

“Seungcheol invited me into this rap group of his so I’ve been working with him and this guy named Wonwoo-hyung. He is cool too, but like actually cool. Like cold, he’s so fucking quiet.” Hansol snorts and Seungkwan nods his head to show he is paying attention.

“Then fucking Junhei-hyung. That dumbass really kills me. One night, he drove me out to the middle of nowhere when I had no shoes on and just kicked me out of his car so he could go screw this chick. I had to walk two miles back to the apartment.” Seungkwan gapes at the younger before laughing into his hands.

“You are kidding me!” Seungkwan giggles (fucking giggles, Jesus) and Hansol shakes his head, laughing along with him.

“I wish I was, I thought I was gonna freeze to death, but hey, Junhei is Chinese. Minghao is too right?” Hansol asks.

“Yeah, he is. God, I miss him,” Seungkwan responds. “He went back to China for school. I need to FaceTime him this week.” And tell him about this catastrophe, I can’t believe I forgot to.

“I forget Minghao even exists sometimes. He was always so quiet.” Hansol picks up his beer and nurses it on his palm.

“We’re still best friends, he’s thinking about transferring here so we can live together next year.” Seungkwan smiles to himself thinking about his friend.

“That’s nice, to be so close to him still.”

“Aren’t you close with Joshua?”

“Well, yeah, but it isn’t the same. I’ve always been so shit at keeping a line of communication open so we talk, but not often.” The confession leaves the younger’s lips and Seungkwan can’t help, but agree.

“You know you can change that right?” Seungkwan pushes and Hansol agrees silently.

“I know.”

“You’re a just person, Noni. You’ll figure it out.”

And I know how hard it is for you to think you are anything, but bad. It is hard for me too because it is so easy to hate you. With all the things every single person I know tells me on a daily basis, it is hard to remember that you are human. It’s easy to make you out to be this monster in a man’s body, but you aren’t that.

You did nothing wrong, you just don’t know what you are doing. You don’t know where you are going, but you aren’t alone.

You’ll never be alone.

I’ll stay by your side until you cast me away again, and even then. Even then.

“Thanks Boo.” Hansol whispers and Seungkwan looks up to see him staring. He decides not to comment on it. Even when he feels a gaze resting on his lips.

“Always.”

Hansol stays until he finishes his beer. Seungkwan leads him down the stairs around 2AM and watches him go to his parked car. He waits there until he can’t see his headlights in the distance remembering what it felt like to be hugged by the younger once more.

Unmovable.

Seungkwan had to use every fiber of his body to not ask him to spend the night. It wouldn’t have gone over well. He thinks at least.

When Seungkwan makes it back into the apartment, he turns off the tv and all the lights he has on. He walks into his bedroom and sees his clothes still piled up on his gross bed. He pushes them on the ground, deeming it a chore for tomorrow to straighten his life up.

Seungkwan lays in bed for a bit trying to go to sleep, but can’t even get close to closing his eyes. He feels bad.

God, he feels awful because the last thought he had while watching Hansol walk away was: I’d do anything, leave anyone, to have you walk back towards me. To be with me.

But it is the truth. Seungkwan still loves Hansol as much as he did when he was twelve.

Taking his phone from the charger, Seungkwan turns to lay on his side. The blue light blinds his eyes, but it really didn’t matter. He can take the little pain in his head rather than the large one he will have if he doesn’t do this now.

To: mingyu-hyungie <3

02:23: hey hyung, i was wondering if you wanted to get coffee tomorrow? i think we should talk.

“I think we should end uh, whatever this is. Between us.” Seungkwan speaks quietly to not disturb the people around him and Mingyu, but his voice is clear and calm.

Cars whistle past the small coffeeshop as the day has just begun. The air is crisp and cold, the wind howling loud enough to be heard inside the warmly lit store. Seungkwan still feels cold from the unforgiving weather, even inside with his fluffy winter coat on.

Customers line up tightly next to Seungkwan and Mingyu’s small table. Seungkwan moves his old wooden chair to be closer to the wall, trying to get some space in between him and the outside world.

Seungkwan does not want to be here, at all, and well.

He should have done this the moment him and Hansol started talking again. Damn you to hell Seokmin.

Mingyu is sat in front of the younger man. He is dressed comfortable and smart; he looks good, but when doesn’t he? Mingyu always looks good. He always looks put together.

And truly, they would have looked good together, really. But-

“Oh, okay.” Mingyu says back, sounding surprised, but the look on his face is anything but.

Seungkwan nods his head and looks down at his hot cup of tea that his hands are wrapped around so they don’t shake. He feels lighter, well, sort of. He’s getting there.

“I’m sorry, really.” Seungkwan wants to reach out to Mingyu, but finds that it may be too out of place. Seungkwan never really got touchy with the other man in the first place.

Months ago, he was complaining about it. Seungkwan can remember the distant memory of sitting on Seokmin’s bed, wailing about wanting the older man to hold him, touch him.

It feels like an out-of-body experience now. It feels sickly inappropriate because why would he think that, want that, when Hansol-

God, it’s always Hansol. The amount of times Seungkwan has to think that is really starting to piss him off.

“No, no, it’s okay. I mean, it sucks, but thanks for being forward about it.” Mingyu takes a sip of his drink, of what Seungkwan could not tell you, and Seungkwan can feel a smile fall on to his lips.

He can at least feel a smile try and reach his eyes, he falls short.

“You’re welcome. You deserve to be told in person, you are really great.” Seungkwan says and has a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Mingyu is really fucking great. He walked Seungkwan to class, helped his study for exams, held his books sometimes. They held hands often and Mingyu’s always felt like it belonged in Seungkwan’s.

Seungkwan really thought Mingyu could be good for him. Mingyu would have been safe.

And I’m leaving you, all of this safety and knowing, comfort and warmth, for what? For this?

For him?

“Like I said, I appreciate it. Not a lot of people would do this sort of thing especially when-” Mingyu starts then shuts his mouth quickly. His eyes widen a bit and he already has the face of: oh shit, I fucked up.

However, Seungkwan stays quiet, but has one raised eyebrow, clearly waiting for Mingyu to continue with whatever he was saying.

Mingyu’s face flushes and he brings a finger to his lips to tap on them lightly. It has always been his nervous tick. Seungkwan tries to remember when he picked up on that fact.

“Well, I know you are seeing someone else.” Mingyu whispers and looks away after the words leave his mouth.

Seungkwan tenses, wishing he was the one looking out the windows of the cafe to see the morning sun dust softly on the tile floors rather than the minimalist cement wall behind Mingyu.

Rather than looking at Mingyu.

“I’m not,” Seungkwan finds his voice, just barely. Mingyu grimaces. “I’m not, I swear. We aren’t, we never, I-”

What can I say? We aren’t together. We will probably never be together, but I definitely cannot be with you because maybe, someday, someday soon we will be?

I’m afraid that if the time comes and Hansol is the one waiting for me instead of the other way around, that he won’t stay like I have. That he will leave and our chance will be buried in the dirt like it has many times before.

“You don’t have to explain yourself Kwannie.” Mingyu takes in a deep breath and sighs. Seungkwan sinks into his seat a little, feeling more defeated than he first thought he would.

“I never meant to lead you on.” Seungkwan murmurs and folds into himself. That’s what he has done, isn’t it?

He lead on this good, fun, caring, beautiful, good man in front of him for someone who has never bothered to turn and look back at him. No matter how long Seungkwan has been waiting for him to do so.

Mingyu is a good man, what about Hansol?

Mingyu could be the best man in the world and he still wouldn’t be enough because he could never been Hansol.

Right.

Mingyu is the one to reach a hand over the table and touch Seungkwan’s arm. Seungkwan looks up and sees a sad smile on Mingyu’s face, but it is nostalgic of something Seungkwan will never be able to learn and know.

Maybe in a different life he would and maybe he would be happy in that life too.

“I know Seungkwan, it’s okay.”

No, it’s not.

“Okay.” Seungkwan says instead, pretending that Mingyu is right. That everything is okay. That everything will be okay.

Mingyu let’s go of Seungkwan’s arm and leans back in his chair. The sun is hitting his skin and he looks paler than what Seungkwan always thought of his skin tone looked like.

“You wanna talk about it?” About him.

Seungkwan swallows. Does he want to talk to Mingyu about Hansol? No. Does he really have a choice when everyone else he knows hates Hansol? No.

“Do you know Chwe Hansol?” Seungkwan asks timidly, hoping that he doesn’t and if he does, then he doesn’t know him well.

“We had a class together, a lecture or something, last semester, he was fine I guess. Didn’t like him a whole ton, but you know, he was fine.” Mingyu responds and Seungkwan nods.

Good enough.

“We were, not were, are childhood friends. There has been a lot of ups and downs between us, but we are trying to figure it out now, I think.” Seungkwan mutters and decides it is a good time to take a sip of his tea before he really starts rambling.

“You think?” Mingyu asks, but it doesn’t sound like an attack. He sounds more concerned than anything else.

“Yeah, it’s been weird. It’s always been weird between us and I just want to know if, you know.” If something, anything is there. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on unless I know.

I don’t even know if I want something to be there after what happened the last time.

“I get it,” No, you don’t, no one does “and if that will make you happy, then I think you should go and get answers. For closure.” Mingyu finishes his coffee and Seungkwan stares at him.

For closure. Nice.

Why would Mingyu think any different than anyone else Seungkwan knows.

Seungkwan bites the inside of his cheek and almost too brightly smiles. Mingyu doesn’t seem to catch on that Seungkwan is doing everything in his power not to scream out in frustration.

“I need to get going.” Mingyu begins while grabbing at his backpack that is hanging off his chair.

Fuck, right, classes and being a good student exists. Wild concept.

“I’d say we should do this again, but,” Mingyu laughs and Seungkwan joins for a second. “If you need anything, just text me Kwannie.”

Seungkwan nods one last time and Mingyu does the same. Seungkwan stays sitting and Mingyu gets up.

He does not have the energy to keep a fake face on for the older.

When Mingyu realizes that Seungkwan isn’t going to leave with him, his face falls for a moment, but picks back up.

“Goodbye Seungkwan, stay healthy.” Mingyu speaks softly and Seungkwan responses with an even softer goodbye.

Seungkwan stares at the blank wall for a couple minutes hoping that he just didn’t make the biggest mistake of his life.

Then laughs a bit too loud when he remembers what he did a year ago.

If Seungkwan could live through that nightmare then he can live through this too.

The only reason why Seungkwan and Hansol got back on talking terms was because they were forced to.

Well, Seungkwan felt like that was the reason at least.

The first semester of Seungkwan’s college career was quiet. Too quiet.

Sure, he enjoyed his time with Seokmin and Soonyoung. After all these years, he was finally able to hang out whenever he wanted to, go out to dinner and eat whatever, and do stupid shit with whoever.

Seungkwan could tell college was going to be different. Which was exciting and terrifying.

He had his friends, old and new (he met Jeonghan quite early in the semester through his other two friends), and everything was going to be about moving away from the past and into the future.

Seungkwan spent so many years yearning for a different direction, so he had to take this opportunity before it slipped through his fingers like everything else did.

Like how Hansol did.

And well, the first semester went okay, he moved on enough where he didn’t think of the younger boy on a daily basis.

More like monthly which was an improvement that Seungkwan was stupidly proud of.

Second semester? No, absolutely not. Jesus said: nah.

Seungkwan forgot him and Hansol even went to the same school from time to time. Due to having different majors, they never saw each other which the older was thankful for.

However, Seungkwan forgot liberal art credits existed and how everyone had to take them.

Even Hansol fucking Vernon Chwe.

It was in Psychology 101, a lecture filled with hundreds of freshman where Seungkwan found himself tucked in the back corner.

His hair was unwashed due to being fucking hungover and too tired to fling himself into the shower that morning. He had on an oversized hoodie with the hood resting on his head and his wired glasses falling off his nose.

Class started and Seungkwan leaned his head against the wall with closed eyes. He was thankful that no one had sat next to him because he wasn’t sure if he could be his talkative self when all he could feel was his pulse banging against his temples.

After five minutes and Seungkwan dozing off, he split open his eyes due to the commotion happening to his right.

A man was making his way to the seat open next to Seungkwan making him groan to himself. When he finally sat down, Seungkwan looked over with hazy eyes that widen way too quickly.

“Hansol.” Seungkwan said causing a couple of people to turn to shush him, but Seungkwan could only focus on the familiar face beside him.

What the fuck? What the actual fuck?

He turned to face the older, his face almost as busted as Seungkwan’s and soft smile on his face.

“Oh, hey Kwan.”

So of course, they became psych partners which was truthfully all their professor’s idea.

Seungkwan laughed his whole way back to his dorm while on the phone with Minghao, pissed to all hell.

“No fucking way.” Minghao gasped and Seungkwan could barely breathe.

“Of course, of fucking course, right? This had to happen.” After all that time getting away, wasted.

No, not this time. He isn’t a part of my life anymore and he never wanted to be in the first place.

Instead of being normal people, they started contacting each other through Twitter. DM’s and all that to keep distance between them.

Well, again, that’s what Seungkwan thought.

However, when they were assigned an actual project together Seungkwan finally said that they should probably start texting to make it easier to plan out what to do and when to do it.

Seungkwan asked if Hansol still had his number, well knowing he probably didn’t. Seungkwan could barely remember that he had the younger’s after months of going back and forth on whether he should delete it or not.

From: satan

19:55: Let’s find out

It was Seokmin’s idea to put his name in as Satan, okay?

To: satan

19:55: guess i do then.

(He hadn’t deleted it, but well, Hansol didn’t need to know that. And no else either.)

So they talked about school mostly.

When is this due? How many points is this project? Can I skip tomorrow? Do we have an exam next Thursday?

And Seungkwan was okay with it, really. He didn’t mention it to anyone for a bit (read: at all), just letting the whole whatever this was take its course. It wasn’t going to last long anyway, just for the semester.

Right? Wrong.

From: satan

21:46: Do you watch black mirror by chance?

Okay, that was different. Usually on Sunday’s Hansol was asking to copy Seungkwan’s online class work while the older pretended that he wouldn’t this time around.

Not asking questions about tv shows, especially ones like black mirror.

To: satan

21:46: i haven’t.

From: satan

21:47: Okay

21:47: Here’s what you need to do

21:48: It might weird you out a little but I think if you get through the episode I tell you to watch we can talk about it a little

And just like that, Seungkwan was sucked back in like he never let go.

To: hansol

21:49: tell me.

Suddenly, it was like Seungkwan and Hansol never stopped talking.

After watching the episode, Seungkwan was left empty and wondered if that is how Hansol felt all the time.

They texted about the theory of optimism in this day and age. Hansol wrote like a poet, in metaphors and alliteration that gave Seungkwan whiplash, but by the time he went to bed, he was hanging off of every word.

They continued to do this, in secret. Was it a secret? Was it supposed to be a secret?

Seungkwan still doesn’t know, but he hid his phone whenever he messaged the younger in public, always blowing it off as his mom or literally anyone else.

He kept it a secret and wondered if Hansol did too.

Their conversations in Psych got them yelled at more often than not and even once threatened to be separated, but neither seemed to mind.

They laughed about how much they hated their professor’s hair cut.

Made comments about other class members, especially the ones who slept in front of them with their mouths open.

Seungkwan always rooted for a fly to land on their tongues which caused Hansol to snort on too many occasions.

But sometimes, they would talk about the past too. Sort of.

Mention the past at least.

One day, Hansol leaned over and brushed his shoulder against Seungkwan’s who was trying to take notes and pay attention for once.

“Hey, you remember when your text signature was cheese? Or like, I love cheese?”

Seungkwan whipped his head around.

“What the fuck, that was years ago, we were twelve.” He whispered back, a little bit too flustered.

“Yeah, I know.”

Their texts were anything, but friendly. They were friendly, but they were sad.

If Seungkwan was texting first, which was 95% of the time, it was because he was so achingly lonely and he didn’t know who else to talk to because well, no one else understood.

Because Hansol understood him, even after all these years and separation. It was like Seungkwan was an open book that Hansol never closed.

But if it was Hansol, which was rare to say the least, it was because he was even sadder or drunk.

From: hansol

21:39: Alright

21:39: I think you’re one of the few people I can text right now who will understand this

21:39: Or one of the few I’m willing to text

And, no, Seungkwan did not (he did, Goddamnit) get butterflies in his stupid stomach when reading the last text.

To: hansol

21:41: what is it.

From: hansol

21:42: Well

21:42: I’ll make a long story short

21:42: Alcohol. Hansol. Now has to write an occasional paper that is due tomorrow

21:43: I thought the alcohol would help me get out my feelings. It did

21:43: But not in the way I wanted it to

Seungkwan’s heart does ache at that. Hansol was a happy child, he was always happy when Seungkwan was around.

But what about all the times when Seungkwan wasn’t?

To: hansol

21:44: do you want me to read it?

From: hansol

21:47: Nah, I just wanted someone to talk to

Seungkwan wonders where Hansol’s friends are. The ones he should be texting instead of him. The friends he left Seungkwan for.

He wonders if they know Hansol the way Seungkwan does. He wonders if they want to or if they think they do.

He wonders if Hansol wish they did.

But Seungkwan doesn’t ask. He just lets Hansol write everything out and console the drunk man until he falls asleep and it seems like he has to do it more nights than not.

They continue to text each other after the semester ends. Seungkwan sends silly photos and Hansol will make a comment here and there.

Their communication isn’t perfect, but it is better than nothing. Seungkwan would know, he’s had nothing a lot more than he likes to remember.

Because now Hansol talks about their childhood constantly saying how he misses it. How those were the best days of his life and Seungkwan can’t help, but wish for those days to come back too.

Seungkwan realizes that he just wants Hansol to be happy and that he wants to be happy, with him.

But it isn’t until they start trading music that Seungkwan figures it out. When everything comes together just like it did years ago on that Halloween night with Minghao by his side.

It was late and his phone flashed quietly, lighting the whole room with a bluish glow as he tried to go to sleep.

He turned in his bed to pick up his phone with squinted eyes knowing that it could only be one person.

From: hansol

02:13: This song reminded me of you

Just like that, the switch that Hansol will be in charge of in Seungkwan’s brain pressed back on. The light flickered for a bit, but it was just as bright as it was before.

Seungkwan liked him, again, but it was different this time.

Because the thing about liking someone after years and years of trying to avoid it, Seungkwan realizes that he never searched for it.

One day, he woke up and love was just there, sitting on his chest.

Of course, it was only a matter of time. After all this time trying to get away, wasted.

Seungkwan was so fucking tired of wasting time.

So tired of Hansol starting up a fire in his chest with embers that were never really doused out.

So tired of yearning.

He decided that night that he wasn’t going to waste time anymore.

He was finally going to tell Hansol.

Seungkwan feels bad for leaving Minghao out of this mess.

However, can anyone really expect him to keep telling the same story and be okay with getting the same answers over and over again?

Especially when none of them are helpful and just make him feel like shit. Even worse, make him feel like a shitty friend which he is basically trying to prove the opposite.

No, but Seungkwan is unsettlingly getting desperate and Minghao has always been on his side no matter how fucking stupid Seungkwan was being which was always encouraging and still is.

Minghao is the only one who knew what happened last year anyway. It’s not like Seungkwan tells everyone everything.

Especially when it is simply something he wishes that he could forget every single day of his life.

The phone rings as Seungkwan tries to FaceTime Minghao.

It was a week after breaking things off with Mingyu and Seungkwan is now ready to talk to his best friend about the mental breakdown he has been having over the last month.

The same mental breakdown Minghao has seen for the last forever and a day after that.

Minghao picks up after a couple moments. Seungkwan is resting on his bed with his legs crossed and has a book keeping his phone tilted up so he doesn’t have to hold it.

Minghao answers with his dark hair standing tall like the bird nest it has always been and Seungkwan can see in the background shelves of books that go for a mile long.

“Oh, if you are in the library studying we can talk later.” Seungkwan whispers, but Minghao snorts loudly making even Seungkwan cringe hundreds of miles away.

“Nah, I’ll just leave, been here for hours anyway. Art history can actually suck my dick.” Minghao laughs and Seungkwan can see the older man close his laptop and put it in his stupid fucking designer backpack.

Seungkwan looks out of his window and sees the sky tinted with beautiful oranges, pinks, purples, and blues. It isn’t too late, but January always seems to be more night than day.

Seungkwan stays quiet until Minghao gets out of the library. He can hear Minghao’s heeled boots click on the cement pavement and he can’t help, but laugh into his fist. Minghao has always had a way with fashion.

He walks out within a few minutes and Seungkwan can see the sun starting to set there as well, but it isn’t as nice as the sunset that is outside of his own window.

Seungkwan is hit with a sense of longing. God, he wishes Minghao was here.

“So what’s up, we haven’t talked in ages.” Minghao finally says. He is sitting on a grassy area of his campus, one of his favorite places to hang out when talking to Seungkwan.

The trees are a gray hue and bare of leaves; Seungkwan can see small patches of dirty snow in the upper corner of Minghao’s phone.

Seungkwan swallows and tries to find the courage to speak, but it is Minghao. If Hansol was always going to be Hansol, then Minghao is just the same, if not more.

You don’t want him to be disappointed in you, just like everyone else.

“I broke things off with Mingyu.” Seungkwan spits out first, feeling like it will just be easier leading into the other messier part of the conversation.

Also, it is just easier to say his name out loud than Hansol at this point in time.

“Wait, what the hell? What did he do?” Minghao speaks quickly as his shoulders tense and Seungkwan waves a hand to calm him down.

“Nothing, it just, it wasn’t working out?” Seungkwan mumbles and ends it like a question because he is a dumb fucking bitch, which then leads Minghao to give him ‘The Look’.

“Kwan, you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about this guy for months. I had to hear you go on for hours about how much you wanted him to- okay okay, I’ll stop if you stop making that dumbass face- what the hell happened.” Minghao asks again, but it comes out more like a demand and Seungkwan doesn’t want to say it.

Minghao can tell he doesn’t, but no time like the present, right? Seungkwan really has nothing to lose anymore

“I’m talking to Hansol again.”

Minghao’s face drops significantly and he leans back from the phone against the tree he is sitting under. Silence settles over and Seungkwan wish he could stop being the person people react like that to.

But instead of talking and trying to explain the unexplainable, he waits. Seungkwan knows Minghao is trying to get his thoughts together before speaking and knows better than interrupt that.

“Hmm.” Minghao responds and Seungkwan feels stupid as if he can feel any more stupid than he has for the last couple of years.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Minghao nods and still has his signature neutral face on. Seungkwan knows this look like the back of his hand.

“Just tell me, everyone else has.” Seungkwan can feel his face getting hot with shame and he is happy he decided to do this in the comfort of his room with the door closed instead of at the park like he first planned to.

He can already tell that he is not going to get out of this conversation without crying.

Minghao tilts his head to the side and has the audacity to smirk at him. He has an eyebrow raised and Seungkwan wants to strangle his friend through the phone screen.

“Tell me what they have told you.” Minghao answers and Seungkwan groans into his hands.

“Oh you know, Seokmin and Soonyoung are pissed like they always are when Hansol is involved. Chan stormed out of the apartment when he over heard about it. Jeonghan is disappointed because I never even mentioned- don’t give me that look, we made a deal- what was I gonna tell him?” Seungkwan barks back making Minghao laugh as he raises his hand in submission.

“That you have been in love with the same person for a decade.”

Seungkwan’s breath catches. A decade? Wait, pause, back-up, rewind.

“It’s been a decade.” Seungkwan whispers with astoundment in his voice and Minghao nods in agreement.

“Yeah, it has.”

It couldn’t have been. It doesn’t feel like it has been a decade, but the math adds up to it. Seungkwan falls onto his back and feels his pillows catch him. He stares at the ceiling until Minghao calls him back.

“You really didn’t realize that, did you?” Minghao asks and Seungkwan shakes his head then remembers that Minghao currently cannot see him.

Seungkwan gets up and pats his hair down; he uncrosses his legs and pulls them to his chest.

“No, I didn’t.” Seungkwan sighs and shakes his head at himself because how could he be so blind.

A decade, yikes.

“What do you think now, knowing that.” Minghao pushes him with a new softness in his tone and Seungkwan doesn’t know.

What does he think about that? Being on and off with the same person for a whole decade without really ever being on.

“Sad, I guess.” Seungkwan turns around and grabs a pillow to hug. He pushes his cheeks into it and stares back at his friend.

God, now he really wishes Minghao was here, he always gave the best hugs in times of major crisis.

“It makes me sad too.” Minghao says while smiling, but it isn’t a happy one. It’s a comforting one.

A Goddamn pitiful one.

“I don’t know what to tell you Seungkwan.”

Seungkwan visibly deflates and Minghao just shrugs his shoulders. They sit in silence again, staring at each other. It is darker outside and Seungkwan feels like he has never paid attention to time as much as he should.

“Tell me what you really think, I can take it.” No I can’t, I definitely cannot take it, and well, I have to.

Minghao knows this as well, but someone has to and Seungkwan really only wants to hear it from him.

“I think you are wasting your time, again. Like come on Kwan, I know how much you love him, but it’s been years and you keep trying with someone who just. Who doesn’t love you the way you do.”

Seungkwan doesn’t realize he is crying until his pillow starts to get a little damp. He wipes a stray tear that is slowly rolling down his reddening cheeks and nods.

“I think you really try to see the best in everyone, but I mean. Chan? That kid didn’t deserve it and you know that. I knew Hansol and now I definitely know that I don’t know him as well as you do or did, whatever, but. I don’t know Seungkwan, I don’t trust him even though you do. And I especially don’t trust him enough with you.”

“It makes me sad seeing you hung up on this guy who just leaves, even after all this time, after all these fucking years of- let me guess, you were the one who contacted him first again?”

Seungkwan nods, he doesn’t trust his voice, but it was different this time. It was and Minghao needs to know because it matters, right?

“We went out to lunch, this time.” Seungkwan tries, but Minghao just scoffs.

“Yeah? And you were the one to plan it, weren’t you? You were the one to ask and I’m guessing it took more than one time of asking to get him to agree.”

Minghao’s right, per usual. “Yeah.”

“See? If Hansol really cared about you, God, you wouldn’t be here sitting in front of the phone crying about him to me, again. You deserve better than this, better than him.” Minghao shrugs again and Seungkwan take in a deep breath.

“I messed up again, didn’t I? Leaving Mingyu for him.” Seungkwan’s voice cracks and Minghao looks like he is about to jump onto the next plane from China back to Korea just so he can hold his friend for a moment.

“You have a big heart, don’t change that, but maybe it’s time to move on.” Minghao lightly tries and Seungkwan is just simply thankful that he isn’t angry at him like everyone is.

“What if I don’t know how to?” Seungkwan cracks knowing that it will get a rise out of his friend.

“Don’t be dramatic Seungkwan.” Both of them laugh at his sharpness and Seungkwan wipes his face again.

“I just wish things were different.” Seungkwan confesses with a different type of laughter and Minghao silently agrees.

“I know you do and if it gives you any comfort, I wish it was different too.”

They stay on the phone for a little bit longer, talking about school and how the beginning of the semester is going for the both of them. Minghao complains about art history some more and Seungkwan bitches about his professor for piano.

Seungkwan and Minghao don’t bring up Hansol for the rest of the conversation until the end when they start saying their forever long goodbye’s.

“Hey Kwan.” Minghao’s voice drops and it matches the dark blue of the sky behind him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I told you to tell him, last year.” Minghao says with a strong voice, but Seungkwan can see through it. Minghao feels bad, but even worse, he feels guilty.

Incredibly guilty and Seungkwan knows this, he has known it for the last year. The older man never needed to say it when it was visible on his face any time they spoke over FaceTime.

Seungkwan smiles though and blows air out of his nose quickly as if he read a funny meme off of Instagram.

“I am too.” Seungkwan responds.

Minghao tells him to call more often and to focus on eating more because his face is looking a little thin. Seungkwan nods again and again at the nagging, but it makes him miss his friend even more.

Seungkwan pulls himself together until the phone call ends, but once Minghao’s face leaves his phone screen and everything turns black, Seungkwan can only see his reflection.

Then he lets it out. Seungkwan can feel his bottom lip tremble when the first sob comes out of his throat. He cries into the pillow that he is still holding onto and wishes that everything could just be still.

Seungkwan cries because he misses his best friend who just gets him and supports him even when he shouldn’t.

He cries because he misses his fucking mom and his dogs back home; he cries because he should go back home more often to tell his mom that he loves her more than anything on ths planet.

He cries over the math exam he got a 76.5% on two weeks ago because why the fuck not?

He cries over Hansol because he has loved him for a fucking decade and it feels like this whole time he has been under this amazing magic trick that everyone could see except him.

Seungkwan doesn’t even realize that he cried himself to sleep until he wakes up a couple hours later with his lights on and still in the jeans that he wore during the day.

He pulls himself together and wipes the semi-dry tears from his cheek. Seungkwan gets dressed into his favorite pair of sweatpants and lays back down refusing to leave his room to clean his face.

Doesn’t feel like getting asked by everyone why it looks like he just finished watching a sad dog movie.

But while Seungkwan is laying down he thinks there is something special about crying yourself to sleep.

It isn’t any sadder than crying in general at the end of the day.

It’s probably the safest place for you to cry, in the comfort of a familiar bed while being wrapped up in a sea of blankets that will always be reluctant to let go.

That doesn’t mean anything though when all Seungkwan wishes for is Hansol to be by his side and to not be alone for a night.

He turns off his lights instead and pretends that this will be enough.

Sometimes Seungkwan likes to think too hard.

It is easier that way, to let his mind rope off to multiple possibilities rather than focus on key points to get to that one probable solution.

He has always been a fan of universes and the idea of infinite amounts of them; maybe that helped him with his compulsion to explore vast thoughts that were overall unhelpful when reaching the end of the day.

However, sometimes it is easier to not think at all.

Seungkwan has also practiced this theory quite thoroughly, specifically with Hansol.

It is easier to pretend that everything is fine and nothing is wrong when it comes to Hansol because that means Seungkwan doesn’t have to pay attention to the truth.

And if there is one thing in common with universes and Hansol is that truth is objective.

Whatever Seungkwan believes to be true will always be different to what everyone thinks; the world is comparatively like that as well.

If you asked Seungkwan a month and a half ago if he thought Hansol was a good person, he would have jumped up and down begging this into existence.

Now? It is hard to say.

The winter air is dry and rough on Seungkwan’s nose. He sits on a steel bench on the edge of campus to people watch. Students stroll past him without a word of greeting and he is thankful.

He doesn’t get a lot of time to be on his own and be one with his thoughts. Seungkwan takes these moments in like someone who is seeing snow for the first time.

Speaking of snow, Seungkwan looks up through the bare trees that stand close to him and sees the sky turn an ugly gray. There is snow in the forecast, but Seungkwan pays no mind to it.

Again, he rarely gets these moments of alone time, nothing is going to stop him from leaving this moment right here that is placed just so in his lap.

Seungkwan pulls his phone out of his jacket and places it on his thighs. He stares down at it and wishes it could read his mind.

But no one can read someone’s mind, not a human or A.I.

Seungkwan wishes Hansol could read his mind. It would be easier that way, but it wouldn’t be right either.

Thinking about it, Seungkwan’s mind has always been foggy whenever it crosses over the Hansol section of his brain.

Never in his life has Seungkwan been certain of the younger man and that seems to be where all of their issues arise.

Because now if you asked Seungkwan if he thinks that Hansol is a good person he would say no.

Hansol isn’t a good person, but that doesn’t mean he is bad either. He’s just a person.

Over the last decade, there are only a couple things that Seungkwan can positively say about Hansol that:

One: He loves his family even when he hates them.

Two: He got a higher score on the ACT than Seungkwan (bastard).

Three: He is the most flighty person Seungkwan has ever met.

It is hard for Seungkwan to admit these things, even to himself.

After all these years of trying to prove a point to everyone he knew, even Hansol himself, that he would not get tired of the younger’s games has made Seungkwan grow weary.

Because he has grown tired. Seungkwan isn’t old, but now, as he faces the music of the decade long journey, he has realized that it has made him feel years older than he actually is.

They were all growing up, and Seungkwan would like to say that they were too fast, but that isn’t true. They all grew and reshaped themselves just on time, but maybe a little too cynical.

Seungkwan simply thinks Hansol makes him too sad these days.

When they were younger, the dreadfulness of life hadn’t set into their bones yet and youthful joy still surrounded them like a safety blanket.

However as the days grew on them and years were tied onto their backs, Hansol let life win over him while Seungkwan tried his hardest to fight back.

Talking to Hansol became hard, Seungkwan became afraid to speak of joy to the younger due to being called an optimist one too many times.

So their conversations became that, sad. It hurts Seungkwan to look back on their conversations some days because they remind him of poor times in his life.

But there were some good conversations in there too. Ones where Hansol reminded the older to eat and told him a funny joke or story. There were conversations hidden deep in Seungkwan’s phone that still made him smile.

Maybe that was the problem. The past and all the memories attached to it.

Seungkwan would like to argue that he didn’t live in the past, but that would be a lie.

It has always been hard for Seungkwan to forget what has happened and to live only in the present because the past had to mean something too right?

That is true, but it also meant that it only mattered then, in the past.

Seungkwan clenches his phone and pretends the cold isn’t bothering his red tinted hands. He should have worn gloves if he was going to be out this long.

Hansol was good at some point because a bad person doesn’t drive over a hand-made caramel apple during the middle of the night when he asked him to.

A bad person doesn’t hold his hand just as tightly as he did because they were both scared of falling, off a skateboard.

A bad person doesn’t drive to his house and abandon his friends because Seungkwan was feeling lonely and Hansol knows what that really means.

A bad person didn’t treat Seungkwan the way Hansol treated him. Key word: treated.

Because a good person doesn’t go months on end ghosting him for no apparent reason.

A good person shouldn’t make Seungkwan question every move he makes because he is afraid to say something that will make Hansol leave, again.

A good person doesn’t say: I don’t know what to tell you.

But Hansol did and Seungkwan likes to believe he did without remorse because it makes it easier.

Seungkwan really tries to make it easy with Hansol, by texting him first. By inviting him out, by inviting him in to Seungkwan’s life time and time again, and alas.

Hansol either doesn’t care or pretends he doesn’t.

Seungkwan feels the air cool around him as snow starts to drift down from the sky. His eyes are rimmed red from unfallen tears because he refuses to cry over this man again.

Hansol and him aren’t easy and they never will be. They have complicated their friendship too much to be anything but a knotted ball of string and Seungkwan just needs to cut himself away.

If he doesn’t, then he may be stuck here forever with nothing to show except a couple messages of flakey love and a broken heart of a twelve year old.

Seungkwan wishes that loving Hansol was enough, that it was going to be enough, but it never was and never will be. Hansol is too uncertain for that.

Truthfully if Seungkwan thought he was tired a year ago, then he really had no clue what life was about to leave him at his front door with a bow wrapped on top.

Because now Seungkwan is too tired to continue to play this game. He is too tired to keep lying to himself that it is going to be different this time around because it isn’t and it never will be.

Nothing is going to change, not until Seungkwan forces it to. Because maybe, just maybe, Hansol is too scared to end this as well.

But they are adults now and it is time to move on. Not because Seokmin or Soonyoung said so, not because Minghao or Chan said so. Not because Jeonghan said so.

“It’s time to move on.” Seungkwan says to himself, his phone unsteady in his shaky hands when he sends his message to the younger.

Because it is. It just is.

Seungkwan gets up from the bench and wipes some snow off his shoulder. He walks back home, alone.

To: hansol

19:04: hey, uh i was wondering if we could meet up to talk about some stuff. It’s really important to me that we do this so just tell me when you are available to meet in person.

Next Day

From: hansol

14:22: I am down. I’ll let you know in the next couple days when I’m available

Hansol is true to his word which shocks Seungkwan more than it honestly should. Nonetheless, it does.

The younger messages him a day later with a couple dates for them to meet up for Seungkwan to choose from which the older found different from their last meetings.

Usually there is only one day offered and if it doesn’t fit into Seungkwan’s schedule, then it is on him to change something around to make it work.

However, this time it is Seungkwan’s choice on when it works for him, not the other way around.

So Seungkwan goes for the soonest opportunity, that being the following weekend.

It gives him the time he needs to prepare himself for his final confession, the one to end all the wondering that has been pent up in him after all these years.

When Seungkwan asks where they should meet, Hansol offers his own apartment that is on the other side of town which astounds the older even more.

At first, Seungkwan wanted to move the location to somewhere more neutral like a park or even an alleyway, but the longer he thought about, the more Seungkwan thought how powerful it would be for him to enter Hansol’s home and make their friendship clear.

So he agrees, but now, looking back on it as Seungkwan stands in front of the younger’s apartment door, the more he wishes they were at a dumbass coffeeshop just as Seungkwan and Mingyu were.

Seungkwan swallows instead, building as much courage he can fit in his 5’8” (and a half) body and knocks on the door.

No time like the present, Seungkwan thinks humorlessly to himself.

Hansol opens the door in a matter of seconds which causes Seungkwan to flush with a new rush of anxiety. Luckily the world doesn’t seem like it is spinning like it did when Seungkwan first entered the elevator to get to Hansol’s floor.

“Hey Boo, come in.” Hansol moves to the side to let Seungkwan in and he bows out of habit of the consistent politeful thanks that his mother forced into his tiny adolescent brain.

Seungkwan kicks off his beat up checkered vans that he hasn’t worn in months; he places them on the plastic shoe rack and lets his feet touch the tile floor.

God bless socks because the apartment is fucking freezing. Seungkwan does take off his winter coat because it is bulky, but wishes he had worn a turtleneck under his sweatshirt to keep some body heat.

“You look good.” Hansol says with a smirk on his lips and Seungkwan looks up with confusion in his eyes.

Seungkwan is wearing one of Seokmin’s university sweatshirts that most definitely has a cum stain on it and a pair of jeans that barely fit him anymore, but are just too comfortable to part ways with.

He takes Hansol’s compliment like dust in the air, transparent as ever, so Seungkwan just nods his head in response before walking his way into the apartment.

Hansol leads him through it. The apartment is clean, but worn in. There aren’t a lot of decorations because college men, but there are nick-nacks here and there that scream: home.

Seungkwan knows Hansol has roommates, but they clearly aren’t here which Seungkwan is eternally grateful for.

Hansol points him in the direction of the bathroom if he needs to use it during his visit. Seungkwan wishes he told the younger it was only going to be a quick stop, but there isn’t any time to say that now without questioning.

And well, Seungkwan wants to take some time at least.

They end up in the kitchen first. It is quite late already, easily past any normal dinner time, but Hansol still offers Seungkwan something to eat or at least something to snack on. However, the best thing Hansol has to offer is some expired string cheese.

Each moment makes it harder for Seungkwan to remember why he is there in the first place, just like the lunch they had recently.

But this time was going to be different, it had to be.

However, Seungkwan could do some small talk first.

“How is school going?” Seungkwan voice has little confidence in it, but enough courage to pass the younger by without question. He is safe for now.

“It is going better now since the last time I saw you, thanks for asking. How about you?” Hansol questions back while searching through the fridge.

He pulls out a cold piece of pizza and takes a bite out of it while closing the door with his foot.

“It’s going okay. Got a good grade on an exam I was worried about so I’m grateful to whatever god was on my side. Still hate my statistics class though. That has not changed.” Seungkwan smiles when Hansol laughs.

The kitchen lighting makes Hansol look too good in his stupid hippie sweatshirt and gray sweatpants; Seungkwan couldn’t help it when his heart clenched in absolute fury.

Over the past couple days, it had been an emotional rollercoaster for Seungkwan to get where he is now. He can still feel his mind clawing at him in retaliation, but he pushes it down as far as he can.

Seungkwan’s fight or flight senses have been on edge and he keeps trying to calm them down with repeating: this is good for you, this needs to be done, but it only works some of the time.

He hopes his nerves will be numbed by the end of the night.

Hansol motions Seungkwan to move with him to the couch. It is an old beat up leather thing, but Seungkwan sinks into it quite nicely. Hansol turns on the tv, but silences it the second the screen comes to life.

Hansol turns to Seungkwan and smiles lightly. Seungkwan doesn’t mirror it and he can see the moment Hansol realizes this is more serious than he thought it was going to be.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Hansol asks calmly, but Seungkwan can see anxiety slowly creeping into his facial features. Seungkwan can bet he mirrors that and sighs.

He brings up a hand to his hair that is flat on his forehead. Seungkwan wants to pull at it and pretend this isn’t happening, but he refuses to leave without doing what he came here to do.

It would have been easier to do this years ago, and yet, here they are.

Nothing easy in sight.

“I’m about to say a lot and I just want you to hear me out before saying anything. I’m probably gonna repeat myself and it’s gonna get a little dumb at points, but I just hope you understand what I’m saying at the end of this. Feel free to ask questions after, okay?” Seungkwans says steadily, just as he practiced in the privacy of his bathroom mirror hours ago.

Hansol sits in silence before swallowing then he nods his head slowly. Seungkwan nods back.

It is now or never.

“I think we should stop being friends.”

Seungkwan drops his eye contact with Hansol the second his face falls, but continues his speech with a low voice.

“I know this is a weird thing to have a conversation over, but I felt like it was important. However, it is even hard to say that outloud just out of the possibility of you saying: we weren't friends in the first place?"

“I imagined this conversation going so many different ways and in so many tones, but right now I think that it really is going to be subdued and just sad because I don’t think we know how to act around each other if it isn’t.” Seungkwan pulls his knees up to his chest and tries to make himself as small as possible.

He looks at a framed photo of Hansol and Joshua when they were younger that had to have been taken during autumn.

“After all these years, I think our friendship has become this challenge for me to see how long I can last. I have had so many people tell me how unworthy you were of my attention that it became a game for me to prove how they were wrong."

“Now that I’m here though, I can see how much time that I have wasted waiting for you because that is what I have been doing, waiting for something different when this wasn’t going to change.” Seungkwan’s voice catches his throat as if he has finally realized what he was doing.

“I don’t know if I can believe you if you say that we were friends because where is your proof? Friends talk and text and hang out, trying to do that with you is like pulling teeth and it shouldn’t feel like that.”

“You should want to hang out with me, I shouldn’t have to be the one always trying to make plans that you decide to dismiss. I shouldn’t feel like a burden when all I want is your friendship.”

Seungkwan’s eyes slowly find their way back to Hansol’s face and are greeted with his side profile. He sees that Hansol is looking out of a window that faces another building’s red brick wall.

“I shouldn’t have to be afraid to say something I think because I think it will cause you to run away again. I shouldn’t have to pretend that we don’t have this unspoken history that we should have talked about years ago.”

“I shouldn’t have to worry about that phone call, but I do because we never talked about it. So we are gonna talk about it now, whether you like it or not.”

Hansol’s jaw clenches and Seungkwan takes a deep breath, but continues until he can’t.

Seungkwan wishes he could say he was drunk out of his Goddamn mind, but he was completely sober when calling Hansol on that cold January night.

It was a Sunday and it was like any normal one. Seungkwan had sat on the couch most of the day with Seokmin and Soonyoung by his side with Jeonghan being in and out of the apartment per usual.

They played too much MarioKart and Seungkwan got absolutely no homework done which was going to be a problem the next morning, and.

Everything was business as usual.

Their small electric fireplace kept their apartment a cozy temperature, but everyone was clad in their favorite sweatpants and wrapped in blankets while sipping on hot chocolate spiked with Fireball.

It felt like Seungkwan was back home for the holidays all over again, it made it easier to come back to this, his real life, he guesses.

But like constant in this world, Seungkwan was waiting. He was always waiting.

After the sun had set long ago, Seungkwan finally pulled himself from the couch and walked into the kitchen.

Seokmin screamed for Seungkwan to get him the alcohol left on the counter and he just laughed in response.

Sunday’s were truly one of Seungkwan’s favorite days, just because of this. The joy.

The fridge light was bright in Seungkwan’s eyes when he opened it to look for some snacks and he had to stop himself from bringing up a hand to cover them.

He hadn’t realized Jeonghan sitting in the dark until-

“Kwannie, I think I just saw your phone light up.” The older spoke and Seungkwan jumped out of fear.

“Fuck, Hannie you need to stop doing that.” Seungkwan squeaked, but struggled to find his phone that sat on the dim lit countertop.

He found it as fast as he could and brought it to his face to see: No New Messages.

Seungkwan turned to face the older, but he was already walking out of the kitchen area to the couches where Seokmin and Soonyoung still refused to do homework that they most definitely had.

Wonder what that was about, Seungkwan thought to himself puzzled, but put his phone in his hoodie pocket.

It was sad to say (but when was it never not), but Seungkwan was waiting for his normal text message from Hansol to come around.

At that point of their newly rekindled friendship, it was usually about the homework they were supposed to do before Tuesday, but the message still hadn’t come and Seungkwan was starting to get, well, worried.

Texts were starting to thin out again. Every other day became maybe once a week on Sunday’s and Seungkwan could even see those slipping out of his fingers.

It scared him, along as make him so incredibly pissed.

Night came faster during the winter and Seungkwan hated it more than he should. He could make a whole metaphor on how the sun always abandoned him when he needed the light to guide him, but that would be too much.

It didn’t matter, Hansol stopping their line of communication again didn’t matter. Hansol leaving just as he came didn’t matter. Hansol being a complete jackass did not matter.

Seungkwan believed this to be true, but when the sun did rest and the moon became the only beacon of light through Seungkwan’s mind, it became harder to believe.

So instead of waiting on a possible text message in the kitchen, Seungkwan decided that maybe a shower would do him some good.

Seungkwan stepped into the bathroom and locked the door, not wanting a disturbance on who won the last game of Rainbow Road that night.

Seungkwan played some music, nothing out of the ordinary. He sang along quietly and took his time in the shower washing his hair and body.

He didn’t want to admit that he was stalling himself from looking at his phone, but of course that was what he was doing.

Seungkwan managed to take a 30 minute shower just to piss Jeonghan off for taking all the hot water when he knows the older is incapable of showering in lukewarm water.

He stepped out of the shower as refreshed as he could be with this dreadful anxiety looming over him.

He wrapped his body with a towel after patting his hair dry. He picked up his phone to stop playing music that echoed off the white tile walls and of course: No New Messages.

Seungkwan huffed, throwing his phone back on the sink counter before sitting on the toilet seat.

His first thought was to pull at his hair like he did when he was frustrated as a child. To pull all those thoughts of how much Hansol didn’t want him out of his head and throw them down the drain.

Seungkwan brought a hand to his hair instead to brush his bangs from his forehead. He turned around and grabbed his moisturizer to put some on his face.

His second thought was to leave the bathroom and start his homework, to pretend just as well as Hansol could that nothing was happening and everything was fine.

Seungkwan couldn’t move his body though. He took his hands from his face and rubbed the rest of the lotion into his hands that tended to dry out during the wintertime.

He stared at the phone like it was about to catch fire. Seungkwan couldn’t take his eyes off of it as his body became full of something akin to rage.

He could feel the bubbles of boiling anger warm his stomach and almost making him sick.

Seungkwan felt it in his neck as air became harder to enter his lungs. His hands shook slightly.

Only Hansol could make Seungkwan feel this way, only feel this much.

He sneered at himself and ripped his phone off of the towel again, unlocking his phone in a fast process that his mind couldn’t catch up to.

Seungkwan hated talking on the phone. The only times he would do so was when the world was falling apart and well.

He clicked on Hansol’s number and let the phone ring, but Seungkwan could only hear the blood in his ears.

And it rang and rang and rang because the only person who hates talking on the phone more than Seungkwan, is Hansol.

So like Seungkwan knew it would, it went to voicemail and everything happened at once.

Please leave your message after the beep.

“Hansol, tell me how to stop loving you. I’ll do it, I swear to you, but you have to tell me how.” Seungkwan whispered into the speaker of his phone.

His anger dissipated as quick as it came leaving Seungkwan cold from the water that still stood on his skin from the shower and desperate for something new. Something good.

“I don’t know what to do so you need to tell me. Tell me please for the love of God Hansol, I’m drowning.” Seungkwan could barely hear his own voice.

“Tell me how to stop loving you.”

He ended the call with a press of his finger. Then he put his phone back on the counter softly.

Seungkwan couldn’t feel his body, but he was able to stand swaying on his own two feet.

He moved from the toilet he was sitting on and stood in front of the mirror. Seungkwan saw his reflection, but it was like he wasn’t see himself, but something darker, more sinister.

Seungkwan put on his clothes from before mechanically and unlocked the bathroom door with a quiet click; he walked out with wet hair that he never allowed and went back into the living room.

“Oh Kwannie, we thought you went to bed like usual- oh shit Seungkwan.” Jeonghan looked up from his book then paused when Seungkwan stopped in the middle of the room.

Seokmin and Soonyoung whipped their heads around in confusion.

Seungkwan was standing then he wasn’t. Suddenly the ground became his new home where his friends rushed to his side. He couldn’t hear them though, only the blood in his ears, and.

Tell me how to stop loving you, tell me how to stop loving you, tell me how to stop loving you-

“What have you done, Seungkwan? What have you done?” Seungkwan could hear being whispered into his hair as he was consoled and he could only shake his head in response.

He hadn’t even realized he was shaking.

They got him into bed once he was calmed down enough and Jeonghan lingered sitting on the foot of Seungkwan’s bed. The younger boy’s phone was heavy in the older’s hands.

It flashed bright suddenly then vibrated, Jeonghan gripped it tighter.

One New Message

From: hansol

23:25: I don’t know what to tell you Seungkwan. I’m sorry

Jeonghan left his phone on the bedside table and closed the door when he left, hoping nothing would wake Seungkwan up until the morning.

Seungkwan feels like he is having an out-of-body experience when thinking back to that Sunday night. It doesn’t feel real to think that they were actually talking about it.

But like he said, it had to be done if anything were to change, or at least brought to life.

“I called you asking for you to tell me how to stop loving you because I knew you didn’t love me as much as I did in neither a romantic way nor in a friendship way. I knew you never cared about me as deeply so I wanted to stop wasting time before it got too hard to pretend any longer.” Seungkwan’s confession feels lighter than he thought he would and his body is warmer than it once was.

“It has never been a question on if I love you because I do, I always will, but I loved you as a friend more than anything and looking back on it, I wish that is what I told you instead. I’m not angry with the way you responded now because I understand why you would now, but it still hurts.”

“I wish this could be different, but Hansol you are absent. You are so incredibly absent from our friendship that I can’t turn a blind eye on it anymore. I can’t sit here and wait for you to become emotionally available when life is still moving; even if we are sitting here pretending it isn’t.” Seungkwan can hear cars drive past the apartment and he feels like that point was better than he originally thought.

“I wish I could have been more transparent with you and there are things I definitely did wrong that fucked this up for us too, but at least I can say I tried to fix it when we both know you can’t say the same.”

“But really, I wish you were better than what you are because I know you can be and I think you know that as well, but I’m not waiting for that day anymore. You can’t expect me to.”

Seungkwan takes in a deep breath and lets out a shaky sigh. He can feel the tears on his cheeks and he brings up his borrowed sweatshirt to wipe them away.

Hansol looks at him like he has grown two heads and Seungkwan hasn’t been so scared to hear the younger’s voice in his life.

But Seungkwan nods his head a couple times to show he is done speaking for the moment and he feels bad for word vomiting to the younger even though that was the whole point.

It is Hansol’s turn to swipe his hand through his hair before speaking and Seungkwan awaits nervously.

“Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting to hear tonight.” Hansol states and leaves it at that for a moment.

Before Seungkwan can release all hell on him, Hansol raises a hand to stop the older man.

“Just give me a moment to put my thoughts together, please.” Hansol isn’t one to beg, but there is a slight twinge of it in his voice.

Seungkwan snaps his mouth shut and waits.

“You said I could ask questions?” Hansol’s voice is timid and Seungkwan nods in agreement.

“Okay, well. How long have you been sitting on this?” Hansol asks first.

“Not too long, but definitely since we started talking again.” Seungkwan responds.

Hansol takes in the information and calculates it, Seungkwan thinks this is the slowest he has seen Hansol take his time with something.

“What do you want me to say? Like, is there anything you are hoping to hear me respond with?” Hansol moves slightly closer and Seungkwan has to stop himself from moving away.

That wasn’t a question Seungkwan was prepared for.

“Uh, well, no. Not really. I just wanted to say what I wanted to say, I didn’t really think about what I wanted to hear from you because that wasn’t the point. I just wanted to say what needed to be said to make myself feel better, freer.” Seungkwan talks himself through his own thoughts and presents them in front of Hansol messily.

He should’ve thought about it a little harder.

“Okay, that makes sense,” Hansol agrees with then continues. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind? About us ending, this.”

Seungkwan swallows and reels back into his own thoughts.

Is there anything Hansol can do? An apology isn’t enough to change years worth of damage that has built over itself time and time again.

He shouldn’t accept anything but time to reflect and hope Hansol is to do the same. Then maybe after some time, maybe they could figure something out.

“Right now, I don’t think you can,” Hansol grimances and Seungkwan powers through before he can change his mind just because of the reaction. “But, maybe after some time, then maybe we can try again.”

Hansol stays quiet and looks away from Seungkwan, but his gaze lands on the older’s hands that are still holding onto his legs. Seungkwan peers down to try to catch the younger’s eyes.

“I’m sorry Seungkwan. I am, and I know that isn’t enough, but it is all I have to offer right now. You’re right, I haven’t treated you right for years now and that is my fault. I’m sorry that you think all your efforts went unnoticed because they didn’t.”

Hansol moves one of his hands out towards Seungkwan’s slowly. He brushes the back of Seungkwan’s hand lightly and the older turns his palm out to reach for the younger.

Hansol’s hand is warm.

“I saw how hard you tried and I could only think about how much I didn’t deserve you. I hoped one day you would see that, but now that day is today, and I wish you hadn’t.” Hansol’s thumb brushes against Seungkwan’s knuckles.

“When you left that voicemail last year I thought it was you giving up on me so that’s why I just let you go instead of fighting for it because I never thought I deserved to fight for something as good as you.”

“I think you’re right, I don’t think we are good for each other right now because we just haven’t been for the last while. But I want you to know that even in all my stupidity, you never left my mind.” Seungkwan looks up from their hands to see Hansol smiling at him with his teeth.

Hansol unwraps his hand from Seungkwan’s and gets up. He walks away into what Seungkwan has to imagine is his bedroom, leaving him on his own.

After a couple minutes of silence and isolation, Hansol comes back out with something square in his hands. Seungkwan can’t tell what it is until Hansol hands it over to him before sitting down right next to him.

It’s a vinyl, specifically the one Seungkwan bought him as a gift for Christmas while they were in middle school.

Seungkwan’s legs fall from his chest as he gasps to himself. It’s one of Hansol’s favorite bands and Seungkwan thought vinyl just made you look cooler back then.

He can’t believe it’s in front of him, in his hands as if he was wrapping it up in tissue paper like he did all though years prior.

“You remember when you asked if I still had this vinyl so you could have it back and not have to buy your own copy? And I said it was in a box in storage back home? Well, I lied, uh, clearly.” Hansol laughs, but mostly to himself.

Seungkwan stares in awe, it is still in perfect condition. Even the plastic is intact around it showing that it hasn’t even been played before.

“I lied because it is still one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received in my life and I didn’t want to give it back like it didn’t matter to me. Because it did, it does.” Hansol leans into Seungkwan’s side and points at some of his favorite songs.

“This album will always remind me of you. When any of these songs play, I can only think of you because even after all these years, you do matter to me Seungkwan. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you because I couldn’t pull myself together fast enough.”

Seungkwan looks up at Hansol still starstruck before putting the album down on the table in front of them. It clicks lightly against the wood and he turns to the younger.

Then Seungkwan throws himself on to Hansol without a thought in his head.

He let’s Hansol hold him for the first time in years and he cries. Seungkwan doesn’t stop his tears this time because it has been so long since Hansol was this close and this open with him.

Hansol holds him tightly, his face buried into the older’s neck and Seungkwan can feel tears touch his skin from the younger’s eyelashes.

Seungkwan shuts his eyes tightly and wishes for better days.

“I got you Boo, I’m so sorry, but I got you.” Hansol whispers into his hair and Seungkwan breathes.

“Okay,” Seungkwan breathes out and tucks his face closer into the younger’s warmth.

“Okay, okay.”

Seungkwan can finally admit that that statement was enough.

For that night, it was finally enough.

Seungkwan flings his car keys into the bowl on the counter closest to the front door. His presence holds more noise in the apartment than anything else.

It seems that everyone is already in bed.

The apartment is quite dark other than the candle light that lit a warm glow across the living room. The orange hue leads Seungkwan’s eyes to land on a small figure.

Jeonghan sits on the couch, feet tucked under his legs and a book loosely held in his hand. His glasses sit low on his nose and fall even more when he tilts his head up to meet Seungkwan’s gaze.

The younger boy’s footsteps echo in the apartment as he walks toward his friend, then thump when he reaches the carpeted area. Jeonghan puts his book down in his lap and picks his hand up to take his glasses off.

Lavender wafts through the space and both men feel comfortable in the silence of the late night. Jeonghan looks at the clock and sees it is much past midnight at that point.

He wonders how long it’s been sense either of them slept through the night.

Seungkwan sits next to Jeonghan and leans his head on the older’s shoulder like usual. Jeonghan smiles as Seungkwan relaxes in his presence. He’s glad that he is able to give ease to his friends when they need it most, even if he doesn’t know it.

They keep quiet for a couple minutes, letting their body language speak a story of a hard night. Even relaxed, Seungkwan is rigid and Jeonghan knows a night sleep is in order to take that away.

Jeonghan waits because he knows Seungkwan will talk eventually.

“Why are you up?” The younger murmurs taking Jeonghan out of his thoughts; he laughs lightly as his first response.

Leave it to the baby to be worried even after all he has been through with caring maybe a little to much. He will learn.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Jeonghan speaks easily and true. He can feel Seungkwan’s cheeks tighten with a smile against the skin of his collarbone.

“Of course hyung.” Seungkwan takes his head off of Jeonghan’s shoulder then leans back into the couch. He sinks in and Jeonghan feels the panic to want to pull him back-up to breathe.

Instead Jeonghan looks at him and feels like he is seeing someone different. It is still the same Seungkwan that left hours earlier with the same blond hair and bright eyes.

But his body seems a little lighter as if he is floating on air.

“You wanna talk about it?” Jeonghan whispers, taking his friend’s hand into his own and giving a supportive smile.

Even though Jeonghan is starting to get tired, he is willing to stay up until the sun starts to kiss the horizon if need be.

Seungkwan opens his mouth, but a vibration cuts him before any words can leave. He shuts down for a moment before perking up again.

Jeonghan watches as Seungkwan takes his phone out of his jean pocket.

He was raised to never peek and assume by his mother and father; however, Jeonghan can’t help, but lean over to see who the sender could possibly be at this time of hour, but finds it to be an unknown number.

From: Unknown Sender

01:53: Thanks for coming over tonight and talking it out. I’ll talk to you later

He looks up to ask the younger who it was in the fiery of excitement and fear. Of course Jeonghan knows who it is, but what can it possibly mean.

Before he can get the whirlwind of words out, he sees Seungkwan with a soft and secret smile on his lips that he has never seen previously.

Seungkwan locks the phone with courage and contentment. He places it on the coffee table with a soft click on the glass and looks over at Jeonghan with that smile still on his lips.

“No, I think I’m good hyung.” Seungkwan says. New strength to his words that makes Jeonghan’s heart grow with pride so Jeonghan nods his head in agreement.

The world is calm at that moment and not a second longer.