Archive of Our Own

And I've been a forest fire
I am a forest fire
And I am the fire and I am the forest
And I am a witness watching it

Taehyung is five years old when he first hears about soulmates.

He always noticed the little things. Like how two of his classmates have each other's names on their chests. He hadn't meant to look, and only saw it peeking out from the collars of their shirts, clumsily written in a way that almost makes him think that they had written on each other. He had noticed how they both spent time together more often than not, affectionate, practically attached at the hip, not being able to bear being apart from each other for longer than necessary. 

His teacher treated them a bit differently than the rest of the class. not exactly special, but different. they could share a mat and blanket during nap time, and would take extra time to calm one down if the other was gone for too long.

It wasn’t weird. It just made Taehyung curious. 

His mom explained to him, later, what it meant. How there was a special someone out there for everyone, someone you would be meant to be with for the rest of your life. She shows him her own soulmate mark. His father’s name.

He seeks out his father later to look at his mark. 

Taehyung grows up surrounded by love. His parents never shame him for his gentleness even when his peers make fun of him for it. Never let him see it as a weakness, nurtured their son as he grew, supported him and whatever he wanted to be. 

He also grew to become a hopeless romantic.

If his obsession for romance movies and Paris wasn’t enough, the way he would talk about love would probably make it obvious. He’d tell anyone willing to listen about how his father and mother were soulmates and how he'd find his, too. 

There were times he was told by other people to keep his feet on the ground and not dream too much about his soulmate. Things weren’t as simple as just “being made for each other”, because if they were, everyone in the world would be happy and loved. 

There were cases of one soulmate dying before getting to meet the other. Good people having psychopaths, murderers, just terrible people as their soulmates. Many didn’t even get to meet their soulmates at all, considering how big the world is, and how many people were in it. 

It seemed as if, for every good soulmate story, there were two bad ones. Nonetheless, even the mere idea of meeting his soulmate was enough. He found comfort in knowing that there was someone out there for everyone, and on his loneliest days, on the nights he felt misunderstood and alone, and the phases he had gone through as a teenager, trying to figure out who he truly was… his genuine belief in love was just enough to keep him going.

There was someone out there who could love him even if he found it hard to love himself.

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi is fifteen years old when he decides that soulmates are utter bullshit.

How could they not be, when his own parents were, and let their family fall apart, let their children raise themselves, let everything in their simple little lives go to utter shit. 

He doesn't bother to explain to his friends why he hated the idea of soulmates so much. They had simply balked it up to his already icy personality and joked that whoever his soulmate was would melt that ice and whatnot. 

He has enough self awareness to realize that his sobstory sounded too cliche and too much like something right out of a tv show. It was better to let them joke about being a grumpy old man, which, essentially, he pretty much was. But he had his reasons. He knew his reasons and he didn't need anyone else's validation for it. 

Yoongi does not need a soulmate.

He can't admit it to himself but he's afraid to meet them, whoever it may be. Because he might just change his mind about it. might start believing and end up a mess like his mother is. or was. even if she was better than his father. 

But that is neither here nor there.

Min Yoongi does not believe in soulmates and does not need one. He has always been, and always will be, fine on his own.

✦✦✦✦✦

Taehyung is twenty three when he meets Yoongi.

"He's not exactly the nicest person at first." Jimin had told him. "But when you get to know him he's really not that bad."

“I feel like that could be said about a lot of people," Taehyung was fiddling with his camera, adjusting the lenses to his liking. "As long as he isn't like, a major dickhead to me at the start, I don't think ill mind too much."

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi is a major dickhead to him from the start.

Well, not really. but it's hard not to develop some sense of dislike for someone who said, right in front of him as if he wasn’t there, "What's up with his cheetah print coat. Is it the fucking sixties? And it's in the middle of summer. How is he not overheating?" To which Jimin had to awkwardly explain that Taehyung was the photographer friend that he'd been raving about. The very same photographer friend that was supposed to be taking pictures for Yoongi to use as cover art for his new EP. And the same person who was now saying "I’m not working with someone with zero appreciation for haute couture." and standing up, promptly leaving the coffee shop they had all agreed to meet at.

Jimin sighs heavily and glares at Yoongi. "Just this one time, I asked you to not immediately rattle off whatever the fuck you were thinking, and yet you did."

Yoongi shrugs. "Cheetah print is ugly. and I’m pretty sure he used haute couture in the wrong way. Maybe he’s just several decades behind."

✦✦✦✦✦

They meet again next week after Jimin promised Taehyung that Yoongi would apologize and not be as much of a dickhead.

This time Taehyung wears something a bit more... palatable, though he doesn't quite believe in conforming to someone else's standards ("Fuck what other people say, if I feel like wearing ugly neon green then I WILL," He had drunkenly rambled to his friend Hoseok one night) , he decides that a more neutral outfit might help improve whatever Yoongi's impression of him was initially so they could work together, get along just enough for him to take the photos and get his coin. Definitely not because he thought Yoongi was attractive and mayhaps wanted to impress him even just a little bit. not at all. 

✦✦✦✦✦

(Un)fortunately, nothing of significance happens when they meet again. Yoongi gives a brief apology that Taehyung accepts, then begins the conversation with what kind of image he was trying to portray with his music and how he wanted his cover art to complement it.

Taehyung nods along and decides it would be wiser to not totally freak out when Yoongi casually tells him about how he's an up and coming rapper that just so happens to also be Taehyung's favorite rapper.

They talk a little more and learn about each other. 

They're both from Daegu. Yoongi is three years older than Taehyung. Taehyung is in his last year of college as a photography major. Yoongi has a degree in audio engineering. Taehyung likes strawberries and Yoongi only eats them when coated in dark chocolate. They both like jpop. 

✦✦✦✦✦

They talk a lot more as the months pass. Yoongi refers him to other people and Taehyung gets to listen to some of Yoongi's song drafts, still unaware of how big of a fanboy Taehyung was for him. it'd be a secret Taehyung would most likely take to the grave. 

✦✦✦✦✦

Somehow their friend groups become intertwined with one another's, or maybe they always had been and didn’t realize until then. either way, Taehyung and Yoongi see each other a lot more from then on, even after the photos are taken and Yoongi had already settled on what to use as his cover art.

One afternoon had ended with a near death experience when Taehyung asked over lunch one day how Yoongi met Hoseok. Yoongi simply tells him that they used to fuck, and five seconds later had to rush to help as Taehyung began choking on his food. 

A day later Yoongi apologizes for dropping that on him.

He forgets sometimes that not everyone is so accepting, even with the frequency of same sex soulmates.

"If that changes how you see me, I totally get it." Yoongi tells him, as Taehyung gulps down a glass of water. 

They’re sitting in Yoongi's living room and Taehyung nearly spits the water out, but he'd noticed how the couch was made of egyptian cotton upholstery fabric and he would really rather not get his nasty mouth water all over it. Instead he swallows the water with a painful gulp and opens his mouth to say something.

Yoongi beats him to it.

"I’m gonna have to stop being friends with you if it does change how you see me, though. you get why."

"I–" Taehyung gives him this wide eyed stare and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he nearly choked on his water, he would’ve realized he was staring far too brazenly at the other male.

Yoongi gives him the universal 'why the hell are you looking at me like that' stare in return, and Taehyung averts his gaze.

"Hyung," He murmurs. "I'm not sure how to say this. But. I’m–" His voice is so soft, and he looks so nervous, it makes an unpleasant feeling rise in Yoongi's stomach. Taehyung is all bright and loud and animated and the personification of sunlight. Seeing him subdued and shy is new. Yoongi isn't sure if he likes it or not.

"–It does change the way i see you–" Yoongi's gut twists.

"–But not because of what you're thinking. Because I am too. I’m– I’m that. You know. Or. Well. I’m bi."

Oh.

"Good christ." Yoongi exhales. "You could've started with that, you know." 

Taehyung cracks a grin, the tense atmosphere wilting away with its appearance. "I just wanted to make things dramatic for a second. To see how you'd react. You look funny when you're nervous."

"Brat." Yoongi playfully gives him a swat to the back of the head. 

✦✦✦✦✦

A brief realization, later on in the day, has Yoongi's blood running cold.

When had Taehyung become close enough for Yoongi to be concerned about losing him? 

✦✦✦✦✦

[The fact that Taehyung was attracted to men didnt matter to Yoongi at all. Not a single bit. Taehyung was a good friend and that was that.

Taehyung didnt see the point in lying to himself. It did, in fact, matter that Yoongi liked men. But he'd never admit it out loud.]

✦✦✦✦✦

Fall turns to winter and everything is cold. Yoongi hates it and wears about a thousand layers when he goes out. Taehyung loves it and also wears many layers but takes time to take pictures of snow, because what kind of photographer would he be if he didn’t have a few winter shots in his portfolio?

Christmas rolls around and they spend it with their little mixed group of friends.

Jungkook who has the singing voice of an angel, Jimin who basically brought everyone together in the first place, Namjoon who nearly set his kitchen on fire while attempting to cook something for their little gathering, Hoseok who had just about died laughing after Yoongi recounted what had happened after he told Taehyung about their history, Seokjin who saved the day and took up the responsibility of cooking and effectively banning his soulmate from his own kitchen for the time being.

It made Taehyung feel less homesick.

It made Yoongi feel like he was actually part of a family for once. 

He might have gotten a slight bit emotional at the end of the night thanks to the four glasses of wine he drank. With a gummy smile and rosy cheeks, he quietly thanks everyone for giving him his first real Christmas, while nuzzling carefully against Jimin's shoulder like a cat, and it takes everything in Taehyung's poor heart to not start crying at the rare sight of Yoongi being so openly affectionate like this. His heart aches at the fact that Yoongi had said "first real Christmas" and hopes that Yoongi spends the rest of the holidays in his life happy and warm and surrounded by love. Because no one in the world deserved it more than Yoongi did. 

✦✦✦✦✦

Taehyung turns twenty four when everything comes crashing down for Yoongi.

"What's this, hyung?" Taehyung eyes the carefully wrapped gift box that Yoongi had pushed into his hands, and raises it to shake it and guess what was inside before Yoongi immediately stops him. 

"You might break it if you shake it too hard, brat. Just open it."

And open it, Taehyung did.

A camera. A new, shiny, expensive camera, the one he'd been crying to Jimin about for weeks. It cost half as much as his student loans and that was enough to prevent Taehyung from selling one of his kidneys to get it, though he was indeed way more tempted than he should have been. He figured he could live with his current camera anyway.

But here it was, sitting in his hands.

"Happy birthday, Taehyung." 

Taehyung doesn't notice the tears pooling in his eyes until Yoongi shifts apprehensively in front of him.

"If you don't like it I can get you someth–"

Yoongi is cut off by Taehyung wrestling him into a bear hug, wet cheek pressing against his neck as the younger babbles his thanks, and how he owed Yoongi his entire life and would probably do anything his hyung ever asked him to. Yoongi brushes it off and tells him he's being an oversized baby, though there's an undeniable tone of fondness, and he isn’t pulling away from the hug at all.

After Taehyung finally calms down, sets the gift onto Yoongi's coffee table and they both talk for hours.

Over the course of their friendship, Yoongi found it easy to talk to Taehyung, and he enjoyed listening to Taehyung ramble on and on enthusiastically about things that came to mind.

He liked spending time with the Taehyung. With his very good and close friend Taehyung that somehow could pull off a blond mullet and look extremely attractive with, that he has no romantic feelings for whatsoever. 

They later come to the topic of romance, much to Yoongi's dismay.

“Dunno if it's been obvious but I’m really into romantic stuff."

"It's pretty obvious, Tae. You force Jungkook and I into watching Titanic every other movie night. And you both still cry every time." 

"It's a good movie, okay?" Taehyung defends. Yoongi rolls his eyes but stays quiet, waiting for the other to continue. "But anyway. I’ve been kinda obsessed with the idea of love. Been single for a while but I’ve always hoped to find that special someone. It's kinda silly." 

It is silly, but Yoongi doesn't say that out loud.

"How about you, hyung?"

Yoongi thinks of what to say for a moment.

"I don't really believe in it. Platonic love, yeah. But I’m not cut out for romance. I’m fine being single. always have been." He keeps his answer short and simple on purpose. Taehyung doesn’t need to hear his sob story. At least not now.

Taehyung purses his lips. "I think everyone is capable of being loved. But it's good that you're okay with being alone. Some people aren’t." 

It's quiet for a few moments.

"My parents really love each other, so I think that's why ive been pretty fixated on love. They listened to and understood each other like no one else would. You could see it in their eyes how much they meant to each other. And my dad once got sick when my mom's flight was delayed when she left for a business trip. Couldn't live without each other for longer than necessary. It was nice. And they told me I’d find someone for me, too." 

Something about how Taehyung speaks about it makes Yoongi irrationally annoyed, though he doesn’t know why.

"It's bullshit. Your parents got lucky but they're just an exception. Realistically stuff like that doesn’t work out. People are too selfish and too different and it's not something you should be hoping for your entire life. It'll hurt you more than help you."

Taehyung sighs. "I’ve heard it all before, and quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck. It's okay that you don’t believe in it. But I do. I’m fine being alone, but I’d like to fall in love one day. And find someone to be with for the rest of my life. It's a good dream to have and it keeps me going sometimes."

"Well it's fucking bullshit." Yoongi hasn't been this icy with him since the last time Taehyung had accidentally pried at him too much. But this time the anger was pretty misplaced, at least in Taehyung's opinion. why was Yoongi so mad about this?

"Okay, hyung. I get it."

Yoongi almost regrets getting so worked up.

Another minute of silence passes and Yoongi watches as Taehyung's gaze turns a bit distant, and wistful. 

"I just have a know there's someone for me out there. Just like my parents, since they were soulmates." 

Soulmates.

Soulmates.

Soulmates.

Yoongi feels his entire body tense up, throat tightening when he feels a sensation on his chest. it was burning, burning, burning. he could feel each letter being carved into his skin, but it didn't hurt, no. 

Of course it didn’t hurt. It felt like Yoongi was being wrapped in his favorite baby blue blanket that smelled like his mother, he could taste cinnamon and sugar on his tongue, and his heart thrummed with warmth.

Taehyung was his soulmate. 

All the while, Taehyung didn’t notice how Yoongi was right on the verge of falling apart in front of him, continuing to go on and on about the story of his parents. Yoongi doesn't have the capacity to feel bad when he suddenly tells Taehyung he has to leave, and bolts right out of Taehyung's apartment, leaving the younger boy confused and concerned.

All Yoongi can feel as he drives home is sheer panic. He's probably breaking far too many traffic laws but he doesn’t care. The pleasant sensations from earlier were still lingering but his distress overshadowed them completely.

The first thing he does when he gets home is crouch into the shower fully clothed and let the icy water run all over him, seeping into his skin, trying his hardest to keep the panic at bay, even as it threatens to consume him.

It can't be Taehyung. God, not Taehyung. He can't have a soulmate. He can't.

The urge to claw at his soulmate mark consumes him and that's exactly what he does. He tugs his wet shirt off and scratches viciously at his chest, a scream bubbling in his throat as he leaves red streaks all over the name on his skin. 

It can't be Taehyung because Taehyung deserves better than him. Taehyung deserves better than broken little Yoongi who can’t deal with his problems properly. Taehyung deserves better than someone who just can’t love him the way he needs to be loved, someone who isn’t so fucking adamant about proving that love is bullshit out of his own fears and utter refusal to open up because he never got the chance to learn how. Taehyung doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone like Yoongi.

Yet his name was on Yoongi's chest. And it wasn't going to go away. 

✦✦✦✦✦

"There's no way you're missing this party."

If Yoongi had known that Hoseok would march into his apartment fifteen minutes after sending him a text about not being able to go to the New Years party they had been planning for weeks, he wouldn’t have bothered to send a text and simply opted to not show up.

Now here he was getting chewed out by the second personification of sunlight in his life.

[Taehyung was the first.]

"It's not like you can't celebrate without me."

"Christ, Yoongi." Hoseok looked legitimately upset, and Yoongi hated it. Hated making anyone upset if it wasn't necessary. Hoseok could probably tell how much of a little bitch Yoongi was being, because being fuckbuddies in the past apparently gave them some sort of soul connection that allowed them to read each other's emotions. 

"Do you realize how much of a little bitch you're being right now?"

Bingo .

Yoongi wants to respond but Hoseok obviously isn’t done. "We've been planning this for so long. It's not a matter of whether or not we can celebrate without you, it's the fact that we want to celebrate with you! We've been friends for years and I still don’t understand why you shut all of us out so often, but one day you're gonna have to accept that we, as in, all six of us, legitimately love you and want to spend time with you. so you're going to go to this party, hell, you don’t even have to stay the entire time if you really don’t want to. Just show up and stay for an hour or so, whether it be for me or at least so Taehyung doesn’t sulk the entire night. "

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi eventually agrees to go, but not before clarifying that he isn’t going just because of Taehyung. Hoseok gives him a look that tells Yoongi that he can tell something is up, but he says nothing.

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi spends a good portion of the day of the party trying to calm down. He tells himself that it'll be fine. It doesn't matter that Taehyung is his soulmate and has his name on Yoongi's skin because soulmates were bullshit and it would change absolutely nothing. He and Taehyung were friends and that's all it would be.

But the universe hates Yoongi and deep down he knows that no amount of self delusion is going to change how he feels. 

[Or how he's always felt, but refused to acknowledge.]

…

The first half hour of the party is fine until Taehyung walks into Hoseok's living room wearing the same cheetah print coat he had been wearing when they first met.

Yoongi could have cried on the spot. 

"Hyung!" Taehyung approaches him with a smile that looks a bit off. "You left really suddenly yesterday... and you weren’t answering your phone. Are you okay? I’m sorry if I went too far with the whole romance thing."

Everyone else was either playing video games or in the kitchen preparing food, so there was no way Yoongi could avoid this conversation even if he wanted to. Even if he managed to send Hoseok a 'please save me' look, he doubted he'd get any help anyway.

"It's fine, really. Something just came up." 

"I was just worried that i went too far." Taehyung says, and— christ, don't bite your lip like that — "I’m sorry if I did. I know it makes you uncomfortable. I won’t talk about it as often anymore."

Yoongi hates how guilty Taehyung looks. "You don’t have to stop talking about it. Just stop forcing me and Jungkook to watch Titanic." Taehyung opens his mouth to reply but Yoongi continues on. "Or The Notebook, or La La Land, or A Walk to Remember, or literally any other romance movie you have in mind." 

[When Taehyung's lips form into a pout, Yoongi has to fight the urge to lean forward and smooth it over with a kiss.]

"All jokes aside, it's fine. Don't worry too much about it, alright? We're fine." Taehyung doesn’t look entirely convinced but his tentative smile melts into something more relaxed. Yoongi's soulmark thrums with happiness and warmth and he could feel Taehyung's own happiness flowing into him like oxygen in his lungs. He hates it and loves it at the same time. 

"Do you remember this coat, hyung?" Teahyung lifts his arm as if to show off the pattern.

"How could I not?" Yoongi can’t help but smile a bit at the memory. "If I had known that it was one of your... tamer outfits... I would’ve reconsidered being friends with you at all." 

"I was making a statement! You just have no appreciation for fashion whatsoever!"

He really didn’t. But Taehyung had a knack for making even the ugliest outfits look good, somehow. Maybe it was the way that he wore it with confidence, not giving a single damn about what anyone had to say about his bold fashion choices. Maybe it was how it fit his personality so well, or maybe Yoongi was just biased as hell.

It didn't matter.

It didn’t matter how nicely that same coat slipped off of Taehyung's broad shoulders.

Not at all.

✦✦✦✦✦

Their little party winds down some time after one in the morning. they had missed the New Years countdown, since most of them got a bit too drunk to function sometime before ten. In between Jungkook, Hoseok and Jimin grinding on the dance floor (which was just the open space in the living room), Namjoon and Jin having a disgusting make out session right on the couch, and Taehyung staying glued to Yoongi's side the entire night, no one had noticed until half past twelve when Jimin began whining about missing it.

Yoongi, being the only one sober, took it upon himself to blow up Hoseok's air mattress and haul out enough pillows and blankets for everyone. He had tucked them in individually, surprisingly being strong enough to lift Jungkook off the floor even if he was smaller.

Jungkook had asked him for a bedtime story and passed out before Yoongi could even reply. Jimin pressed a sloppy kiss on his cheek and said goodnight. Hoseok had been knocked out cold fifteen minutes prior. Yoongi lays a thick blanket over Namjoon and Jin, who were both sleeping wrapped in each other's arms. 

And, finally, after what seemed like an eternity of tending to a bunch of drunken children, Yoongi makes his way back to Taehyung.

It seemed as if Taehyung had been waiting for Yoongi the entire time, just sitting patiently on the couch. The sleepy smile the younger boy gives him makes him feel warm inside, and he's glad that he dimmed the lights, because otherwise Taehyung would’ve been able to see how his skin flushed red.

Yoongi hands him a pillow and blanket and makes himself comfortable in the space next to him.

They sit in silence for a bit until Taehyung breaks it. "You're really amazing, hyung." He leans onto Yoongi's shoulder and nuzzles it with his cheek. Yoongi has to physically hold himself back from shuddering under the contact. "Always acting like you're some hardass but do things like this, like taking care of all of us."

"Anyone would do the same," Yoongi tries not to let his voice tremble. His soulmark had been acting up the entire night and now it was sending shots of dopamine through his system, with Taehyung talking to him like this while being so close that Yoongi could practically smell his perfume, he isn't too sure if he'd survive for another minute.

"Yeah, maybe anyone would do the same. but it's special because it's you."

That was another thing that Yoongi lo— liked about Taehyung. He wasn’t afraid to express his love and admiration for anyone. Wore his heart on his sleeve like he was being paid to do it. Saw everything with a childlike curiosity. Yoongi vaguely thinks that he would’ve fallen in love with Taehyung whether or not they were soulmates. 

He promptly pushes that terrifying thought to the back of his head.

"How much have you had to drink, brat?" Yoongi asks, one arm instinctively wrapping around him.

"Just a few glasses of wine. Not as drunk as Kookie and Jiminie were."

"You're gonna feel that in the morning, you know."

"I know."

Yoongi feels Taehyung smile against his shoulder.

"I’ll have hyung to take care of me, won’t I?"

Yeah , Yoongi wants to say. You'll always have me.

But as always, he doesn't say anything at all.

Because it doesn’t matter. 

✦✦✦✦✦

It's not uncommon for Taehyung to go for a while without seeing Yoongi. Or any of the other people in their friend group, for that matter. They were all busy adults after all. But, him being observant as always, he can’t help but notice some things.

Like how Yoongi seems to be dodging every single text Taehyung sends. Like how Yoongi went from letting Taehyung know when he'd be in the studio and not so subtly hinting about wanting coffee, to never even leaving his house.

Yoongi communicated just fine with Jimin and Hoseok, apparently, because Taehyung read Yoongi's replies over Jimin's shoulder and overheard Hoseok making plans to go out biking. 

It was clear as day that Yoongi was avoiding him, and he didn’t know why. But he doesn’t want to pry too much. Maybe Yoongi was going through something and only wanted the company of those closest to him, which is completely understandable. But Taehyung doesn’t understand the tiny prick of jealousy he feels when he realizes that though him and Yoongi have grown extremely close, he isn’t quite at the level Jimin and Hoseok are at. He pays no heed to it and decides that it's better to give Yoongi time and space, even if all Taehyung wants to do is spend time with him. They'll have all the time in the world to make up for it anyway.

And it's an easy feat, really. Not as easy as he'd like it to be, but life has a habit of grabbing Taehyung by the hand and twirling him round and round until he forgets anything other than the more pressing matters in his life. Like finishing his portfolio that's taken him four years of his life to put together for his final grade, paying rent, keeping himself fed, and simply just being as happy as he can possibly be. The thought of Yoongi presses at him occasionally but he really, really tries not to think too much of it. If Yoongi needs him, or when Yoongi feels better, he'll definitely come to Taehyung, or at least respond to one of his texts.

And he was definitely right.

✦✦✦✦✦

One cold night at the end of January, Taehyung wakes up to the sound of his front door unlocking and opening. He blinks blearily at his bedside clock, barely making out the red neon numbers that tell him that it's three in the morning. 

He thinks it's a very inconvenient time to be robbed, but there’s nothing much he can do except try to defend himself. So, he grabs the nearest object and tiptoes out of his room, ready to start swinging his lion plushie as self defense, only to see the one and only Min Yoongi standing in the middle of his living room, back faced towards him.

Taehyung lets out a short laugh. "Hyung? What are you doing here?"

When Yoongi doesn’t answer, Taehyung furrows his eyebrows and makes his way towards the older male. 

"It's like, three in the morning. Is everything okay—"

When Taehyung gets close enough, Yoongi turns around and practically collapses against him. his hands grasp at Taehyung’s thin white t shirt like its a lifeline, presses his face against Taehyung's chest and taking in shuddering breaths and trembling violently. Panic siezes Taehyung and he immediately wraps his arms around Yoongi to hold him up. "What happened? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Do we need to go to the hospital?"

Taehyung tries to pull away briefly to inspect Yoongi for injuries, but Yoongi refuses to let go. “N-no," He says, nearly choking on that single word. "M'okay, m'okay, just— please," His voice is pleading  now, desperate, and he lets out a sound bordering a sob when Taehyung tightens his arms around his body. 

"Okay," Taehyung exhales softly, trying to calm his racing heart and think as clearly as he can. "I’m gonna bring you to my room, okay, hyung? Then when you calm down enough you can tell me what else you need." He waits until he feels Yoongi's head nod against him. 

It takes a bit but Taehyung manages to guide them both into his bedroom. It's a bit messy, clothes strewn all over the floor and his carton of photographs laid out for sorting. His bedsheets are a mess too, but Yoongi doesn’t seem to care, too busy clinging to Taehyung. 

Yoongi's shuddering breaths settle into a calmer rhythm as time goes on. Taehyung doesn’t keep track of how long it takes, focusing on being an anchor for his friend, letting his hand rub comfortingly up and down Yoongi's spine.

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi genuinely thought it was an exaggeration when people said soulmates couldn’t live without each other.

First two weeks of Operation Avoid Taehyung went alright. Yoongi lived as he normally did, though Taehyung's texts were nothing short of tempting. The goal was to put as much space between them as he possibly could. Needed to squash the feelings and make them fuck off.

And it worked for a few days. He was determined enough to not let the guilt from essentially ghosting a friend affect him too much. Spent time with Hoseok and Jimin and worked on songs as he always did.

By the middle of the second week, things began to change.

Yoongi could feel a very prominent void in his life. Sure, everything was essentially the same, and it's not like Taehyung was completely out of his life. But his heart didn’t seem to get the memo.

As time flew by, his mental health declined. All he wanted was to be near Taehyung, and he was completely convinced it was because of his soulmark. There was no other explanation as to why Yoongi was moodier, antsier, why he felt like he wouldn't last another day without seeing Taehyung.

He manages to hold off on his desperation until tonight.

If one were to ask, Yoongi wouldn’t be able to even explain how and why he went over to Taehyung's apartment. All he could remember was this wave of numbness, and the sensation of his heart being squeezed, after seeing something that had reminded him of his soulmate. Then here he was half an hour later, shaking in Taehyung's arms.

Yoongi realized then, that the thread he'd been hanging by was quite thin. 

As always, his soulmate is wonderful and patient and holds Yoongi through the wee hours of the morning. Asks if he needs water or if he's just content with being held. Yoongi chooses the latter. they both fall asleep just before the sun began to shyly peek out from the horizon. 

✦✦✦✦✦

Taehyung thinks Yoongi looks wonderful when he wakes up.

He watches as Yoongi sits up while his eyes flutter open, mouth automatically forming into a pout that Taehyung finds adorable. ;ikes how Yoongi's sharp edges look softer in the late morning light. 

He almost wishes he could take a photo for himself, keep it stashed somewhere forever.

[His heart wishes that he can wake up to this every day. And be the only one to see Yoongi like this.]

✦✦✦✦✦

Because Taehyung gets Yoongi in a way that not even Hoseok does, he doesn't press the older male for answers. Doesn't question why Yoongi had broken down in his apartment.

How would Yoongi even begin to explain that? Hey, I lost my fuckin shit after ignoring you for three weeks when I shouldnt have and my entire life is basically fucked now and you're the indirect cause but I can’t stay away from you, I can’t. I could probably die without you. Oh yeah by the way we're soulmates!

God. Absolutely fucking not.

Taehyung make chocolate chip pancakes and a cup of coffee (with cream, no sugar) for Yoongi, tells him how much he missed his hyung, and proceeds to rattle off about how he'd accidentally fucked up some of his photos in his photography class's dark room.

Yoongi's soulmate mark throbs with content. 

[Later, much later in the day, Yoongi looks up what to do about this apparent soulmate dependency.

Hundreds of articles tell him that soulmates are only codependent to an extent when the bond is completed.

He closes his laptop and doesn't touch it for four days.] 

✦✦✦✦✦

Valentine’s day inches closer much sooner than Yoongi had anticipated.

Breaking the stereotype of him being a grumpy old man who hates everything related to romance, he doesn't actually mind the holiday. Sure, he had to endure more pda, but the local grocery store always has sales on wine and chocolate and roses around this time, So it's really not so bad.

He uses the roses to make rosewater. It's good for his skin.

Little pleasures like that soothe his soul and make life worth living. But it isn't enough to help him ignore the twinge in his chest he feels when Taehyung tells him that he has a date.

It's someone from his photography class. Taehyung is convinced that he was asked out of pity but wouldn’t mind the company for the night. Yoongi knows better, though, because he knows if he was a braver man, he would’ve asked Taehyung himself. But he isn't. And perhaps he was never going to be.

So he was stuck in this shitty predicament, helping his soulmate pick out what to wear for a date with someone that isn’t him.

"Christ, Tae," Yoongi sighs when Taehyung throws on the fifth outfit he'd picked out so far. A plain grey crewneck sweater, skinny jeans, and a flannel wrapped around his waist. It was good—but it wasn't Taehyung's style. "You look fine in anything, seriously."

"I’m not trying to look fine , hyung!" Taehyung is in the process of digging through his closet again. "I want to look good ! like, jawdroppingly sexy good, like, wow can we do this again sometime good!"

You already do , Yoongi wants to say. but instead he says—"Are you really trying to impress this guy? the real Taehyung would wear Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent or anything in the brightest and most obnoxious colors. Because that's what you usually like. but now you're dressing like... an e boy. Over some guy you don't even know that well."

Taehyung's hand freezes in the air, and Yoongi fears that he might have said the wrong thing. "Excuse me for wanting to make a good impression." He sounds a bit annoyed, but continues rummaging through his wardrobe.

"Will the impression even matter if he ends up not liking your actual style?" 

It was so odd to see Taehyung like this, fussing over something so... inconsequential. Maybe Yoongi was just seeing it differently, but Taehyung never gave a shit what anyone thought unless they were in his inner circle of friends. He did things because they made him happy and wore what he wanted because he felt good. He wasn’t apathetic to other people's emotions and preferences but he didn’t warp his identity to accommodate people's comfort zones if he wasn’t hurting anyone. Where did that carefree Taehyung go? Did this stupid date really matter so much to him that he felt the need to tamper down his natural flair to impress the other guy?

"I actually want things to go good with him, and if he likes me and I like him, I’m sure it'll be fine." Taehyung pulls out a black turtleneck and faces his mirror, comparing it to what he was currently wearing. "Plus," He falters a bit. "My actual style is a little too much, isn't it? Too much for comfort sometimes. maybe it's time for a change."

That bothers Yoongi even more.

"It isn't too much." Yoongi says this so firmly that it startles the both of them, Taehyung turning around to give Yoongi an unreadable stare. "You really are fine just the way you are. No point in shrinking yourself down for some college kid you don't know at all."

Taehyung looks uncertain, still, so Yoongi presses on. 

"You shouldn’t have to worry about being 'too much' for anyone, alright? Don't cut yourself down into managable, easy-to-swallow pieces. Let that motherfucker choke."

✦✦✦✦✦

Taehyung ends up going wearing something he would usually wear, but more tame, of course. After that little speech from Yoongi, how could he not? It was rare that his hyung would give him advice like that. He had to follow it.

The date itself starts out alright, but Taehyung very quickly realizes that this person sitting in front of him is... not his type. Well, he wasn’t sure if he even had a type, but it definitely wasn’t this.

"--and then she screamed and said 'I don't even like mayonnaise!"

Taehyung gives him the best fake laugh that he could muster, cheeks already hurting from all the faux smiling and the forced polite interest.

He wonders why he was so adamant about impressing this guy in the first place.

“Hey."

"Huh?" He blinks a bit, realizing that he'd zoned out. "Oh, I'm sorry, I-" 

"Is there someone in your life already?" The blunt question throws Taehyung off guard, and he has to sputter dumbly for an answer. He settles on saying, no, because he wouldn't have agreed on going on a date if there was someone already.

"Sorry," His date laughs a bit. "It's just that it's obvious you're uninterested. I can be kinda boring, but... I dunno. I get the feeling im like, a rebound, or something."

"No," Taehyung rushes out, cheeks tinting red in embarrassment. "God, I’m such a shitty date. im so sorry. You aren’t a rebound, and there’s no one else, I’m just..." He swallows thickly. "Figuring some things out."

His date gives him a smile that seems to be sympathetic, but it makes Taehyung feel like shit. Well, it was nice to have the company anyway. I hope you figure out whatever it is soon." 

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi turns twenty seven when Taehyung figures it out.

Spring is beginning to creep into the air, Taehyung can feel it in his bones, feel it in how the earth seems to wake up from its slumber. He likes the in betweens the most, when he can just feel everything changing around him. It's almost like cleansing.

Taehyung hovers over a sleeping Yoongi, matcha cake in one hand and a gift bag in the other. he eyes the bedside clock patiently, and when the red numbers shift from 11:59 to 12:00... 

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HYUNG!"

Yoongi startles awake, letting out a sound that's a mix of a gasp and a wheeze. He sits up, disoriented, before his gaze settles on Taehyung.

"What the fuck."

"Make a wish!" Taehyung grins and shoves the cake in his face, and Yoongi concedes, blowing out the candle.

"You could've just waited till the next day like a normal person instead of taking a decade off my life by scaring me like that. Fuck."

"We both know I’m not normal, c’mon now." Taehyung sets the cake onto the bedside table and shoves the gift bag into Yoongi's hands.

"Open it. come on!"

Inside of it was a couple of things. All the little things that Yoongi liked. A bag of his favorite coffee brand, a tin candle called honey & the moon , bars of dark chocolate, a kumamon plushie and keychain, and three bandanas. 

"Not really the most expensive gifts ever, it was all I could afford." Taehyung smiles sheepishly. "I still hope you like them anyway."

Of course Yoongi liked them. Hell, these were all probably more meaningful than any expensive gadget Taehyung could give. 

Because these proved that Taehyung knew him well. these proved that Taehyung cared about all the little things about him. Iit was uncharacteristically sappy to think about, but that meant the world to Yoongi. More than he could ever describe.

"These are great, tae." 

Yoongi gives him a sleepy smile that makes Taehyung's heart nearly jump out of its chest.

He takes a very, very good look at his hyung now. with his sleepy eyes and gentle smile and rustled hair and how he still seemed to exude a special kind of gentleness even in the dim light that the lamp was providing them.

Yoongi was very special in a way that Taehyung couldn’t describe. Sure, he could be rough and come off as too harsh a lot. Sure, he wore the dullest colors and used to tease Taehyung about his style (he had stopped a very long time ago). Sure, he was quiet and had the energy and charisma of a jar of peanut butter. But his hyung is kind and interesting and passionate and takes care of people that he loves. He listens when people need it and gives everyone the reality check they need so their lives don't get thrown out of whack. When he makes music and performs he pours his everything into it.

Yoongi effortlessly filled up the empty spaces in Taehyung and balanced everything out. Like the yolk to egg whites. The salt to pepper. The yin to yang. 

Maybe it had been a long time coming. Maybe Taehyung was just too stupid to realize it.

Loving Yoongi came as naturally as breathing.

It didnt make him feel dizzy or sick. He didn’t feel like he was strapped onto a roller coaster with no idea where he was even going, half terrified for the drops and turns that would come. Didn’t make him cower away in fear.

He just knows that there's nowhere he'd rather be than here, with Yoongi, at 1am, shoveling bits of matcha cake into their mouths and laughing so hard that tears form in his eyes. 

It's only when he gets hit with the truth, later on, that they both realize just how stupid they've been.

✦✦✦✦✦

Spring comes and goes and the heat draws in. Summer wraps its claws around Yoongi and he's absolutely miserable. He hates summer much more than winter, it seemed. At least in the cold he had the option to just wear more layers. What was he supposed to do in the summer? Not wear any clothes? Peel his skin off? There was no escape from it.

Jungkook and Jimin suggest a little trip to Dadaepo beach in Busan. They were both probably homesick and looking for a good excuse to go back home and simultaneously spend the summer together. Namjoon agreed quickly, most likely so he could look for little crabs in the sand, and he and Seokjin were a package deal. Hoseok arranges to close up his dance studio for a bit so he can take a well earned vacation. Taehyung had been a bit reluctant, wanting to get a job right after finally graduating, but was soon tempted by jin offering to make japchae if he came along too. It was a lesser known fact, but he and Yoongi were a package deal too.

✦✦✦✦✦

"Jung Hoseok, i swear if you don't get your fucking feet off of me ill shove it so far up your ass that you'll be gagging on it."

Piling into a minivan with six sweaty dudes was not Yoongi's idea of fun whatsoever. He just might have preferred to stay home and burn in the heat, since his air conditioner was broken. It would’ve been alright if he got to sit near someone who didn’t make it their life mission to make him as irritated as possible, but that wasn’t the case here.

Hoseok gives him a grin one seat away, legs propped over Jimin who sat between them. "I just needed to stretch out my legs a bit. They were falling asleep." He wiggles his toes on Yoongi's thigh. "The heat probably has you all fussy, huh?"

"What has me fussy is that you have your disgusting feet on me."

"I'll have you know that my feet are very clean. I even got a pedicure!"

Yoongi thinks it would’ve been better to sit next to Namjoon and jin, even if they tended to be an overwhelmingly affectionate couple. They at least had the decency to not put their feet anywhere he didn’t want them to be.

He idly thinks that it would’ve been better to sit where Jungkook was, in the passenger’s seat up front, next to Taehyung. 

"Are we almost there?" Jimin asks. "Yoongi-hyung is getting all fussy back here."

"I’m not being fussy."

"He's definitely being fussy, all because I put my feet on him."

"Your feet are disgusting."

"Hyung," Jungkook pipes in. "if I were you I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to suck-"

"Say another word and ill make sure to poison your food, Jungkook."

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi's unspoken prayer is answered when they stop for a bit. Jin takes the wheel and Namjoon moves to the front. Yoongi jumps at the opportunity to escape and squeezes in next to Jungkook and Taehyung, with Jungkook acting as a barrier.

He can already feel his soulmark reacting to Taehyung being so close, but not close enough.

Jungkook leans in subtly and says, "Sorry for being a cockblock, I swear it was unintentional."

Yoongi almost wants to hit him. 

✦✦✦✦✦

An hour more of driving and they finally arrive.

The beach wasn’t too crowded, and there was enough space for all of them to set up and have space to fuck around without disturbing anyone else. The smell of saltwater hung heavy in the air, making Yoongi's nose crinkle up a bit, but the promise of water to cool him down was far too tempting.

Jimin, Hoseok, and Jungkook scramble out of the minivan, with Jungkook nearly injuring Yoongi in the process as he climbs over the elder's lap. The three of them sprint towards the water while screaming. 

✦✦✦✦✦

The heat nips at Yoongi's skin more and more as time goes on, but he had volunteered to stay onshore to watch their things while the other five swam.

Of course, Taehyung had offered to keep him company. And of course, Yoongi said sure. 

"You look like a tomato, hyung," Taehyung pokes at Yoongi's cheek. "Are you really that affected by the weather? I thought you would’ve been happier considering how much you hated winter."

"Summer is worse than winter and nothing can change my mind about that." 

Taehyung lets out a soft chuckle, and it makes Yoongi's soulmark tingle. He's getting more used to being around Taehyung. not that he was tired of it, or that he didn’t care for Taehyung the same way. It’s just that, before, that small chuckle would have had Yoongi riding on a dopamine high for hours. but now it didn’t go beyond a warm feeling in his stomach. It was just calm. Nice.

It was like, exposure therapy. For this complicated soulmate thing. For his own emotional incompetence.

Taehyung barely even gets a chance to reply when suddenly Yoongi is getting lifted up and away, courtesy of Jungkook, Namjoon, Seokjin, and Hoseok.

"What the actual fuck, put me down!"

"We're not letting you miss out on the fun by sitting out of the water all day, Yoongi!" As much as Yoongi wanted to wrestle free from their grip, he was no match for four strong pairs of hands.

Before he could realize what was happening, he feels his body being tossed into the water. He goes in with a splash, soaked from head to toe in a split second. Jimin is dying from laughter a few feet away, and the rest of them smile at Yoongi. 

"You look like a cat that fell into a bathtub," Namjoon points to Yoongi's hair, now flattened by the weight of the water.

"You're all a bunch of dickheads." Yoongi hisses, though he doesn't quite mean it. At least he had changed into the clothes he was planning to wear to swim in already.

The water feels great and Yoongi enjoys how it cools his skin down. He can't remember the last time he had gone to the beach. It was probably a long time ago; far too long ago and far too deep into his past for him to possibly associate it with any good memories. 

He only spends about fifteen minutes wading around before he decides to go back to where they had set up.

As soon as he gets to shore, Jimin meets him halfway with a towel in hand. "That was qui- wait, what the fuck ?" 

Yoongi gives him a questioning look and takes the towel from him, lifting it up to dry his hair and wipe his face. It covers his eyes for a few seconds, and when he looks up again, he's startled by how the rest of the group had immediately surrounded him, each giving him looks of varying levels of shock.

"What? why are you all looking at me like that?" He can't help the fear that rises in his throat despite not being entirely sure why they were all staring at him. He's extremely confused, until Taehyung nudges Jimin out of the way. 

Taehyung doesn't look any less shocked than the rest of them, but there's something else hidden in his gaze that Yoongi can't seem to figure out. There were also tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, which do absolutely nothing to help Yoongi figure out what the hell was going on. Yoongi's confusion worses when Taehyung opens his mouth and lets out a whimper, as if the words were stuck in his throat.

He notices that Taehyung isn't making eye contact with him. Taehyung's eyes were fixated on another part of him, so he tries to follow his line of sight, down down down, till--

Then it hits him.

Yoongi was wearing a white t-shirt. The material clung to his skin, showing off some of the muscle hidden underneath. but that wasn’t what they were all looking at. 

It also showed his soulmark, the distinct black lettering in Taehyung’s handwriting standing out completely.

No wonder they were all so shocked.

Yoongi froze in place, and he could feel his heart beginning to beat furiously, could hear his blood rushing in his ears.

Taehyung finally makes eye contact with Yoongi.

"H-hyung," He chokes out.

And that's all Yoongi lets him say.

Before anyone could stop him, Yoongi turns and bolts away from them, leaving five of his friends and his soulmate behind. 

✦✦✦✦✦

[Yoongi does not go home after that.

He finds himself on a train to daegu.]

✦✦✦✦✦

He takes a good look at his mother, and she looks tired. But not as tired as she had been nine years ago.

His father has been dead for three years.

Time had taken much away from him.

✦✦✦✦✦

["Your father and I were never soulmates."]

✦✦✦✦✦

A fake tattoo. A marriage to escape both of their own lives. to escape and to create more lives and have children that grow and have to recover from their own childhoods.

It's unfair. That goes without being said.

✦✦✦✦✦

[On the train ride back to seoul, Yoongi distantly thinks about how everything he has ever known wasnt as black and white as he thought it to be.

And he knows what he has to do now.] 

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi, with how brash and bold he tends to be, is a coward. A coward who sets things ablaze and runs and runs and never looks back because he cant bear to see how those fires burn. he can't bear to stand there and quietly watch the wind blow the ashes away. It's all he's ever known to do. It's all he can remember even when he tucks the first eighteen years of his life into a box that he never opened until almost a decade later.

There are spaces that remain. There’s a burning hill that feels like a mountain. 

His parents did not love each other even with their ‘soulmarks’ that dictated that they should have. Because they had been selfish. Selfish enough to warp his perception of things. Selfish enough to instill so much fear into their youngest child with no good reason whatsoever. What he has always known of love is hurt. What he was convinced he was, before he came to Seoul, was that he was a mistake. Of a family built on lies. Of two people who had made him like this even if he tried to straighten himself out. 

But he realizes now that he was a product of dishonest love and desperation. 

He was burned, burning, always burning, everything his father touched and everything his mother loved were cursed and bound to destroy. If he thought a bit harder about it, He would've realizef that, his refusal to 'let soulmates dictate how his life would turn out' juxtaposed with how he so desperately chained himself to his past, shows that he is a fool.

He is a fool and he is in love and he is afraid.

He is a fool and he is in love with Kim Taehyung and he will stop being afraid. 

✦✦✦✦✦

It's six in the morning.

When Yoongi opens his bedroom door, he finds Taehyung curled up in his sheets.

Later , he amends. They can sleep for now , he tells himself as he slots himself next to Taehyung and carefully wraps his arms around the sleeping figure. 

✦✦✦✦✦

"Where did you go?"

It's not what Yoongi was expecting. He expected to get punched in the face, or to be bombarded with questions. To have that box clawed into and opened and have his guts spill out as reparation for everything he's done and everything he didn’t do. 

When Yoongi doesn't respond, Taehyung reaches out and gingerly touches the spot on his chest where his soulmark is. If Taehyung pressed in a little more, He could trace the letters, where the skin was thick and raised like braille against fingertips. Taehyung doesn't need an answer to where Yoongi went. all that matters is that he came back. and wasn’t running away now.

✦✦✦✦✦

Taehyung is a meadow and Yoongi is the valley he grows within.

["I can’t be your soulmate."

A pause.

“Not until I learn how to stop being afraid.] 

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi is the vast darkness in between that holds up the moon and stars that guide Taehyung.

[He can feel each letter gently inking itself onto his chest.

"I would’ve loved you even without this, I think."]

✦✦✦✦✦

["I still think that cheetah print looks tacky."

"And I still think you have no appreciation for haute couture.]

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi wakes up crying sometimes. and he finds it hard to get used to how Taehyung is there to hold him through it.

There are spaces that remain and leave him aching. 

The hill still burns.

There is a Taehyung shaped gap in his heart and his soulmate makes sure it does not go unfilled for too long.

✦✦✦✦✦

On a cold autumn morning, Taehyung admits something to Yoongi.

["Some time after your birthday I went to visit my parents in Daegu."]

✦✦✦✦✦

Taehyung had never needed the soulmark to prove that he loved Yoongi because his own parents weren't soulmates either.

["It's never the soulmark that makes it, Tae." His mother smiles in a way that takes him back, back, back, to when he'd first seen his schoolmates with their marks. It reminds him of how the both of them had grown apart years later and married other people. They were still happy.

"Soulmark or not, your heart makes its decision in the end, And you can choose to agree or disagree. I know you'll make the right choice.]

✦✦✦✦✦

"I think I wanted to kiss you that morning," Yoongi whispers one night, lips moving over Taehyung's collarbone in a way that makes the younger shudder softly. "When I woke up next to you. That’s when I knew I was practically fucked."

Taehyung doesn't know what morning he's talking about. They’ve had more mornings than he can count on his fingers, but he doesn't ask. He has a feeling Yoongi meant every single morning.

✦✦✦✦✦

Yoongi cannot pinpoint when he stops being afraid. In between all of the sleepless nights and days they had screamed each others lungs out at each other until their voices went hoarse and ran out of poison to fling, in between Taehyung leaving throbbing marks on his neck and thighs while whispering his praises and how beautiful his hyung sounded, in between cold winters and hot summers and birthdays and finding each other in crowds and folding into each other and flowers and sunsets.

All he knows is that he is no longer afraid.

All he knows is that Taehyung soothes the burning.

All he knows is that they can both be whole without each other.

All he knows is that together, they could destroy cities and build them up again and again.

All he knows is that there is nowhere else he would rather be.